[groans] so cold. - thanks, kid. - and there was so much left to burn. farewell, my special one. - that fire sucked. [chuckles] whoa, cool. [chuckles] yeah, fire! [rock music] fire. fire, fire! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> chelsea: welcome to "the daily show." i am chelsea handler! and tonight is night three of me hosting "the daily show" and i wanted to try something different. so i'm sober. i am open-minded enough to try anything once. we have a lot of exciting developments tonight, so let's get right into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with news out of congress today where republicans held a hearing about how social media silences conservatives, at least that is what they were trying to prove. the problem is, once twitter executives started testifying in, we found out that lots of complaints came from the big fat baby who used to be president. >> earlier, you testified about a 2019 tweet that was about president trump.

i think it is from chrissy teigen. what was the tweet about? >> please excuse my language, this is a direct quote. chrissy teigen referred to donald trump as a pussy ass bitch. >> okay. >> my understanding, the white house reached out to ask that there is sweet to be removed, at that time, after three insults were allowed, so it was our job to determine how many insults were included within that phrase. [applause] >> chelsea: i love that twitter had to decide whether pussy ass bitch was one insult or three. it does beg the question, is donald trump a pussy and a ass and a bitch? or is he just a bitch with pussy ass qualities? [applause] i love when i have to get philosophical. interesting that trump doesn't like being called a pussy ass bitch when those are his three

favorite things. either way, asking twitter to take down a mean tweet about you is really a pussy ass bitch move! [cheers and applause] but that is enough about the old president. let's move onto the new president who also is very old. last night was the state of the union. washington, d.c.,'s biggest non-orgy event of the year. and i'm gonna be honest, i have never watched the state of the union before, because i have a life. so i wasn't looking forward to it. but i'm glad i tuned in, because it wasn't nearly as boring as i thought it would be. in fact, it's apparently got a bit of a ufc/junior-high cafeteria vibe now. even before the speech started, things started getting rowdy. >> there were some tense moments at last night's state of the union address. cameras captured a heated exchange between embattled congressman george santos and senator mitt romney. >> one lip reader posted this account of how the exchange went down. >> you ought to be embarrassed. >> yeah, sure. >> you ought to be embarrassed. >> i'm well, thank you. >> you ought to be embarrassed

>> how are you? >> you ought to be embarrassed, son. >> ass. you're an ass. [applause] >> chelsea: i would like to go on the record and say that i am sexually attracted to mitt romney. it's not the first time and it won't be the last time. i don't even care that he's a republican or a mormon. in fact, since he's a mormon, he'll be open to another wife, and if not, he's a republican, so he'll be open to an affair. [cheers and applause] problem solved. yeah, what romney said doesn't sound too harsh but remember, it is mitt romney. "you ought to be embarrassed, son" is the mormon equivalent of "suck my [bleep] dick, you pussy ass bitch." and then when biden actually started talking, his republican friends across the aisle were not having it. >> entering a house chamber now run by republicans, president biden extending his

hand to the new speaker kevin mccarthy, before confronting republican heckling head on. tangling over the fate of social security and medicare. the president taking aim at an idea floated by just a few republicans. >> instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share, some republicans, some republicans want medicare and social security to sunset. i'm not saying it's a majority. >> the comment drawing outrage and boos, including from gop firebrand marjorie taylor greene. >> chelsea: republicans were acting like wild animals. and i liked it! keep this up, guys. you finally made a state of the union watchable! marjorie taylor greene stood up during the screech and said lawyer! out, "liar!" and then george santos stood up like, "over here!" what are we gonna do about marjorie taylor greene? i mean, she's like one of those

dogs that needs a big backyard to run outside and expend all her energy, but instead, she's stuck inside a one-bedroom apartment slamming her head against the wall. when are they gonna put this woman on "real housewives of atlanta"? to be fair, mtg wasn't the only one who dressed like a lunatic last night. look at the outfit kyrsten sinema chose to wear. she looks like she's going to a quinceanera. as the pinata. [applause] for a more comprehensive look at the state of the union, we go to roy wood jr., who is in d.c. [cheers and applause] hi, roy. you were at the state of the union. what did you think of biden's speech? >> chelsea, it was amazing. i loved all the things the president said. biden talked, said some stuff.

back to you. >> chelsea: wait, roy, we just started. like, what specifically did you like about the state of the union? >> oh, well, you know, all of it. like the part where he talked about the union. and the state it's in. you know, russia, health care, he was talking, he said some stuff. >> chelsea: it sounds like you didn't actually watch the speech. >> all right, fine, i didn't watch it, okay! i went to a bar to watch lebron james break the all-time scoring record in the nba! it's where i was! i was at a bar. part of me for wanting to see history. how do you expect me to pay attention to a boring-ass speech. i don't care about biden. that [bleep] can't even dunk! >> chelsea: first off, you don't know that he can't dunk. and second, i'm sorry the game interfered with your job, roy, but they can't move the state of the union. >> but do you mean, they can't move the state of the union.

it ain't christmas! it's just an old dude talking to a bunch of other old dudes. that can happen at any time! biden should either have moved the speech back a week, or just done the speech at the game. he could have fit that whole thing during a timeout. "infrastructure good, gas prices low, police bad but also good build back better on three. one, two, three! build back better! all we have to do. [applause] >> chelsea: well, roy, i'm glad you want to see the lakers win. >> oh, no, no, no, the lakers lost. but in a way, isn't that a metaphor for america? >> chelsea: in what way? >> i don't know, i was hoping you had something. but aren't you excited about this? you live in l.a. you must be hyped that lebron broke the record. >> chelsea: yeah, definitely, because now he has more points than the guy who had it before.

>> and you know who that is, right? >> chelsea: yep, of course i do. he's the... tall black guy. >> okay, so you are a fan. >> chelsea: that's right. roy wood, jr. everybody! all right, when we come back, we'll find out why i'm ruining society. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] just between us,

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[cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." one thing i've made abundantly clear is that i do not want children. i say it on stage, i say it in interviews, it's the first thing i say to myself in the mirror when i wake up each morning. right before i tell myself, god, you're a dynamic woman. [cheers and applause] kids don't respect me, and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. and the fact is, there are millions of women just like me.

but the fact is, every single woman at some point in her life and shamed by society for not wanting a baby. and that's what i want to talk about in tonight's installment of "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] in america -- and honestly, everywhere -- motherhood is treated as a woman's central purpose in life. as if our destiny is to let a tiny stranger rip a hole through our pikachu from the inside out. as soon as we turn 18, we're supposed to just sit back and wait for nick cannon to impregnate us. look, i have infinite respect for moms but motherhood is hard. it is so hard, it even broke marie kondo. tidying up was her life's work. then she has kids and was like, [bleep] it, living in squalor is fine. so it really shouldn't be surprising that some women are not signing up. but many people aren't just

surprised. they are horrified. childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. even the pope has slammed us, saying that not having children is "selfish." first of all, i'm not gonna take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone. [cheers and applause] well, not that we know of. and what's crazy, is that for some reason, people feel entitled to tell you what a horrible person you are right to your face. >> when people ask me, do you have children, and i say, no, they always look at me then and say, "oh, i'm sorry." as if, like, there's something like, physically wrong with me. >> i've had people break down in tears to me about the fact that me not having children is robbing them of something. >> i've gotten everything from "you're selfish for not wanting children, your childhood must have been terrible if you don't want to have children." >> are you one of these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? and how could you deny your man

the chance to have children? i wouldn't want to be with you. >> chelsea: yes, because men are so upset every time they're denied a chance to have a child. watch an episode of maury povich to see how excited men get to find out that they are the father. [applause] and it's bad enough when people judge your life choices, but apparently, childless women aren't just harming themselves, we're actually destroying society. >> you look at kamala harris, aoc, the entire future of the democrats is controlled by people without children. and how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it? we're effectively run in this country via the democrats, be it via our corporate oligarchs by a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they've made and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. >> chelsea: maybe if you two weren't such boehner killers,

women would want to have more children. [cheers and applause] i don't want to make the country miserable. i love this country. it's where all of my things are. and i've got news for everyone. instead of shaming childless women for what we're doing to the country, you should be thanking us. we are saving society. we're more likely to give our money to charity. we have a lower carbon footprint. we're the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in movie theaters, and restaurants. [cheers and applause] and every baby we don't give birth to is one less baby that could grow up to be the next elon musk. [cheers and applause] and guess how many children he has? nine! you better bring them all to mars with you, okay, buddy? and when are you going to mars? go, already! [cheers and applause] but these fox news trolls are right about one thing: i am miserable.

in fact, i was just scrolling through my instagram feed the other day realizing how miserable i am. i'm miserable on the beach, here i am, miserable on a top of a mountain, here i am, miserable scuba diving, then i'm miserable smoking a joint in a hot tub. [cheers and applause] every day is truly a new circle of hell for me. the simple truth is that i'm not having a kid because i'm happier without them, and that really not of anyone's concern but my own. [cheers and applause] no, i don't hate kids, i just don't want them. that's what's so great about nieces and nephews. i love being an aunt. i'm crushing that role. guess who gave each one of them their first edible? this girl! [cheers and applause] but hey, what do i know? i'm just a unfulfilled, lonely, miserable waste of two ovaries.

so if you want to know the real issues with not having children, you need to talk to your ob-gyn. like i did. take a look. >> oh. i bet you have been around the world a couple of times. you are like a pussy go pro. >> chelsea. >> chelsea: hi. >> great to meet you. >> chelsea: you too. >> so i'm just going over your chart. it says you don't plan on having any children. >> chelsea: no. >> it actually says, "never, ever, not even if me and chris hemsworth for the last circle humans on earth." >> chelsea: yeah, if he and i hooked up, it would probably be a bunch of butt play. >> not having kids is a big decision and you should know it is going to affect your body and your life in a major way. >> chelsea: what kind of waste, doctor? >> well, for starters, your body will never go through the trauma of childbirth.

you will have for the medical community calls beautiful, boisterous breasts, and a very tight, tight, little vagina. >> chelsea: it's funny, i've been hearing a lot of things with people i'm having casual sex with, i thought it was compliments. >> no, that's a medical term. how much sleep do you get? >> chelsea: it varies, anywhere from eight to 16 hours a night, depending, if i go to one of leo's sex parties, i will be up late and i will be starving and i will have an entire pizza in my bed and i will finish myself off one more time and sleep like a baby. is that normal? stick a perfectly normal for someone with your condition. >> chelsea: great. >> hmm. you have great muscle tone. >> chelsea: thank you. it's probably because i have so much free time to work out. >> amen to that, sister.

>> chelsea: are we doing anything that is going to require me to be in a hospital gown today? >> no. now i know all of this information can be really overwhelming, which is why i am going to prescribe some recreational drugs. here is a sample for you to take home. >> chelsea: i love pills. thank you. oh, oh, there is one more thing we should talk about. ultrasound. >> chelsea: oh, i didn't think i was getting ultrasound today. >> ultrasound. the music festival. three days in the desert, lizzo headlining. i will bet you can get there because why? you don't have any kids at home to worry about. >> chelsea: oh, my god, thank you! this is the best doctor's appointment i've ever had. >> you are so welcome. you know what? literally, nothing is going to go wrong for you. >> chelsea: it was so nice to meet you. >> aggressive pleasure to meet you too. >> chelsea: thank you. >> by the way, you do have gonorrhea.

[cheers and applause] >> chelsea: thanks, doc! all right, stay tuned because when we come back, i'll be joined by the undisputed super featherweight champion alycia baumgardner. (vo) the fully electric audi e-tron family is here. with models that fit any lifestyle. and innovative ways to make your e-tron your own. through elegant design and progressive technology. all the exhilaration, none of the compromise. the audi e-tron family. progress that moves you.

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can help you save money for what you want. we automatically scan your spending, to find you savings. for everything we do, we're all better off with an ally. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a professional boxer who just became the undisputed super-featherweight champion. >> what did you think of your performance in this fight? >> it was great. you know, i dug deep. i started my period today. >> all right. >> it is a journey. it shows what we can do. yes, sir. >> chelsea: please welcome alycia baumgardner! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> thank you! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> chelsea: hi! >> hi. >> chelsea: oh, my god, i am so excited to meet you. you are such a bad ass. >> bad ass. >> chelsea: you are. i need you to break down a little bit because i'm not familiar with the term. what does featherweight mean? >> i am super featherweight so that is 130. that is my fighting division, and i became undisputed. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: okay. i am also 130, so i mean, we are in the same way to class at least. how do you ever fought at that weight before? >> yes, it's always been my weight class that i have dominated. so i became world champion. [cheers and applause] yep. >> chelsea: so talk to me a little bit about the gender disparity in boxing, because obviously, women, it is a new thing. you are hearing more and more about female boxers but i would obviously guess that you've been around for a long time, female boxers, and they are just now getting some of the attention that they deserve. >> yes, very long time. i think it's important that women are just stepping on the platform and making a name for

themselves. [cheers and applause] yes. and you know, we are, boxing is a male-dominated sport, but i don't look at it as a male-dominated sport them i look at it as a sport where i'm able to capitalize in and make a difference as a woman, and i am truly blessed to be able to do that. >> chelsea: yeah, you are! [cheers and applause] and so what is your training regimen like? what is your everyday situation? break it down for me. >> yeah, so with the camp, it is very, very hard. but it is all for boarding. we get up for a 5:30 run in the morning come a good 3 miles, and we go to the gym, depending on w many rounds we are sparring, we can to eight rounds. women fight 2 minutes, ten rounds for championship fights. and then for our third work out, we do recovery, so that could be a swim, stretching, yoga, but it is very hard. it is very rewarding. i was well prepared for that fight. >> chelsea: yeah, it must take a lot of mental great, right? >> yeah. >> chelsea: what are you

thinking when you are preaching this be 29 and if somebody? >> i hope they feel that. [applause] >> chelsea: i have a question because i know there's a lot of these people who aren't really boxers, influencers -- i hate that word so much, influencers. it is so stupid. that are having boxing fights. bed promotional boxing fights, like logan paul i know it's one of them. what are your thoughts on that? >> my thoughts are, boxing is an entertainment sport, right? when you are stepping into this sport, it is fine but it is also serious that you have to go in there with a mind that people, it is all fun and games but you have to be professional when you step in there. so i get it but at the same time, you have to respect the support and respect who you are when you are stepping in and who you are fighting as well. >> chelsea: yeah. [applause] and can i ask you what you did, how do you celebrate after you went back a boxing match like you did at madison square garden this past weekend? >> honestly, this time, my whole

family got to come. i thought in london the last three fights so my whole family was there. we got to celebrate. just mingle and catch up, so that was my celebration. >> chelsea: alcohol? give me some details. what are you into? how do you -- do you drink? >> yeah, i do actually. i have a drink, moscow mule is my go-to. >> chelsea: i like a moscow mule. we have to change that name with the war. we need to call it something else. you know? i like that drink too but i don't like ordering a moscow mule. i would like to share a moscow mule with you. >> all right. >> chelsea: yeah. congratulations on everything. thank you so much for coming and sitting down. i wish you the best of luck. >> thank you so much because they were not that you will need it. alyica baumgardner, everyone. [cheers and applause] we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

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>> chelsea: well, that's our show for tonight but before we go: here it is, your "moment of zen." >> here is the real state of the union. i'm the most corrupt president of the american history and is not even close. i my disaster but the good news is joe biden is running for president and i am going to jail. thank you. ♪ turbotax. free unless you want to do your taxes. tonight on our special coverage of the state of the union, president biden touts