it was gonna be this hard. yeah. let's turn the cameras off. seriously, guys. enough. enough. pam: thank you. fire in the hole! whoo! i nailed that guy. and replay. fire in the hole! i nailed that guy. ah, i'm gonna miss the paper business. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, chelsea handler! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> chelsea: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm chelsea handler, and this is it! my last night behind the desk. i hope you enjoyed this week as much as i did, but if you didn't, feel free to tweet me my handle is @ellendegeneres. we've got another excellent show for you tonight, because if you didn't know this already, thursdays are the best. they're like fridays for people who work 4-day weeks. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] i wanted to kick things off with a heartwarming story tonight. as a woman, it's always nice to see a father spend real quality time with his daughter especially when he's a busy career man.

>> kim jong un, dictator and family man, brought his daughter and wife to the military parade which featured more intercontinental ballistic missiles than ever before. >> believed to be called ju-ae, maybe nine or ten years old, this is the fifth public event for kim's daughter since november. the only one of his children to be shown in public. fueling speculation he may be grooming her for succession. >> an elementary school age, she already outranks a room full of senior military officers. >> chelsea: i didn't know that kim jong un had a daughter. and judging from this photo, it looks like he's got another bun in the oven. yes, this girl is speculated to become kim's successor. who would've ever thought that north korea would have a female leader before america? [cheers and applause] and she's a minority!

i have to say, i am so sick of these nepo babies. first lily rose depp, then willow smith, now this girl. whatever happened to becoming a nuke-wielding tyrant on merit? you know how many girls are out there working hard, learning how to fire missiles, and starve an entire population, who will never have an opportunity to lead a regime? also, to all the men out there who think fedoras are cute, i want you to know that this is what you look like. [cheers and applause] it is not a good look. especially when you're shaped like a giant cabbage patch kid. let's move onto the man who invented cabbage patch kids: george santos! [cheers and applause] earlier this week, he was roasted at the state of the union by utah senator and silver fox mitt romney. and apparently, georgie didn't

appreciate it. >> meanwhile, santos is firing back at senator mitt romney after they clashed at the state of the union. romney said santos should be embarrassed and should have sat in the back and stayed quiet. >> it's not the first time in history that i've been told to shut up and go to the back of a room, especially by people who come from a privileged background. i mean, i think it is reprehensible that the senator would say such a thing to me in the demeaning way he said it. it wasn't very mormon of him. that's what i can tell you. >> chelsea: whoo. first of all, you can't dress like young sheldon and also complain about people coming from a privileged background. you are saying that wasn't very mormon? but romney is so mormon that whatever he does is the mormon thing to do. he is the king of the mormons! all mormons are mad at you right now and as a jewish person, i will take a leap of faith and speak on behalf of all jews and say we are mad at you too. even the dalai lama is like, this [bleep]?

i like how he says it's not the first time he's been told to go to the back of the room. it sounded like he was about to say, "african-americans like me were told to go to the back for years but we said no." at the same time, though, george santos is an absolute bitch, and i love it. i'm gonna miss him. when he's in prison in two months. let's move on to the latest way that dumb people are spending their lives. >> people will do just about anything for clicks on social media. but this is really stupid. jumping from the highest point possible and intentionally landing in the water with a belly flop. >> it is a stunt so terrifying, they are calling it death diving. it is extreme belly flopping. and ouch! does it hurt. the higher the jump, the more the clicks. this guy's jumping off a roof

into a pool. belly first. this video alone has nearly 44 million views. watch as she throws herself off a platform 81 feet in the air. experts say definitely don't do it. >> there's potential for a lot of injuries, they could crack a rib, their internal organs can separate. >> chelsea: this trend was brought to you by white claw: [applause] the preferred drink of white people who want to do stupid shit. and by the way, i don't want to nitpick the way people are trying to kill themselves, but it's not really a belly flop unless you spread your arms out like this. i see you guys tucking in at the last second. do you want to separate your internal organs or don't you? [applause] i love how "experts say definitely don't do it." yeah, no shit, sherlock!

by the way, you guys don't have to push things this far to go viral. you can just ski down a mountain topless, like i do. you get plenty of clicks. on the other hand, if all the young hot blonde women want to belly flop to their deaths, have fun! because it's less competition for me. and finally, let's move on to our big international story for the week. the impending cold war between joe biden and xi ji -- xi jin -- and china. >> the massive recovery effort now underway. unmanned underwater vehicles seeking out wreckage from the balloon's huge technology bay, the size of three buses. those vehicles also searching for possible explosives. a senior u.s. official tells me the balloon had a self-destruct capability. as the u.s. collects debris, and with it information, china today declaring the air ship does not belong to the united states, but to china. the biden administration making

it clear they're not getting it back. >> chelsea: [bleep] you, china. [cheers and applause] you sent the balloon over here to spy on us! we found it and now it is ours! you don't get to demand that we return it, just like the guy who attacked nancy pelosi's husband doesn't get his hammer back. and i don't know about you guys, but i'm not scared about the suppose it explosive self-destruct capability on a balloon. all balloons have a self-destruct capability. it's called deflating. also, "it doesn't belong to us"? sorry, china, it's confusing for us. usually, when you release things, it's for the entire world to enjoy. like covid. for more on the balloon cleanup, we go now to michael kosta at the scene of the wreckage.

[cheers and applause] michael, what's going on? >> chelsea, i'm here in the debris field, which is seven miles wide, and it just keeps expanding. one thing experts have learned during this cleanup is that water moves. >> chelsea: so how's the recovery going? >> not great. it's hard to distinguish the spy balloon debris from the debris that's just always in the ocean. like this. it's sad, but there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. >> chelsea: is there anyway we would ever have to give any of the balloon back to china? >> how dare you, chelsea? america has full rights to the balloon under the historic doctrine of "finders keepers," which, of course, was later amended to include "losers weepers." however, under u.n. law, if america fails to declare "no backsies," china can call "dibs," provided that before they launched the balloon, they

licked it. >> chelsea: okay, well, thank you for your legal expertise, michael. one last question, how much longer the recovery will take? >> it might be a while. the search is being hampered by all the tiktokers who are death-diving into the debris field. the navy is doing -- god damn it. come on, guys! i'm doing a report! you know what really pisses me off, chelsea, is that they're not even belly-flopping, they're tucking in at the last second. >> chelsea: that's what i was saying! >> i know, it's like they don't even want to separate their internal organs! goddamn it! oh, my god. look what i found! i think i found a piece of the balloon. hey, navy guys, is this something? >> chelsea: be careful, michael, that might be the self-destructing part of the balloon! >> the self-destructing part of the what?

>> chelsea: well, i'm sure he'll be okay. michael kosta, everyone! [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, i'll have some of my favorite comedians on to talk more about the news. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] (♪ ♪) you inspired the lexus es to be, well ... more you.

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[cheers and applause] >> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." there are more stories out there to talk about and to help me talk through them, i brought in some friends. please welcome atsuko okatsuka, rosebud baker, and bob the drag queen! [cheers and applause] [laughter] okay. >> hi, chelsea. >> chelsea: hi, atsuko, how

are you? >> i'm good. let's talk stories. [laughter] >> chelsea: we have some stories. one of the kardashians, kourtney, the most untouched one, she is coming out with a vaginal got me. i'm confused as to whether you put it in your mouth or straight into your pick if you. it is supposed to improve the smell and taste of your pikachu and then it taste like pineapple. i don't know if that is even possible to put a gummy -- i wouldn't even want that flavor. i would want to like arctic blast. you know? >> minty fresh. >> chelsea: a surprise for people. >> here is my issue. but if you like the original taste? instead of a gummy that makes your [bleep] taste like pineapple, i want to seasoning that makes my salad taste like [bleep]! [applause] >> chelsea: i hear you. >> i am sick of products like this. just come hold your nose and go down on me. just shut up. grow up.

>> chelsea: also, just a regular shower will do it most of the time. you know what i mean? you don't have to get fancy with it. [laughter] >> i think i am the only one that is like, i need this. [laughter] okay. so they know this, it makes it taste better -- can you imagine, there was a taste tester. the person out there being like, no, more vitamins c! you know what i mean? >> nice work if you can get it. the line outside for that job it, let me tell you. >> not that long. [laughter] >> you also have to check back in, like travis scott, how to check for travis -- what's his name? barker, have to check in and see if it works for 6 to eight weeks, see what he says about. >> chelsea: he seems like he so in love with her, he doesn't care what kind of smell or taste it coming out of any orifice. [laughter] those two are inside of each other every time you see them. >> they will come out with a dave's hot chicken version of

it. [laughter] >> i also already eat my yogurt with fruit, so this time, this whole time i could have been doing it on the other end. [laughter] you know what i mean? i have been doing it for free, kourtney. >> chelsea: whitney houston is releasing a new album. i am by this. this keeps happening. tupac did this, he started this trend. people releasing albums after they die. >> i think beethoven is relieving something next week too. [laughter] >> chelsea: i thought abba was releasing something because they were nominated for the grammy and i was like, abba? i thought they had crossed over as well. i didn't realize that they were still alive and well. >> are you a medium? [laughter] are you teresa cavuto? [laughter] hearing them from the other side. >> thought they had passed on. >> chelsea: it's a gospel album with six previously unreleased song so it will be new material. again, very surprising. >> it is called "go to the rocks" and i was like them

honestly, i was ready for her pe cubbyhole. [cheers and applause] one of the songs sound like a lesbian pride song, is called "hold on, help is on the way," which is a story about a lesbian helping a gay man kill a spider. >> it is about hunter biden's laptop. [laughter] >> chelsea: the japanese zoo, they figured out that a female monkey got pregnant despite being separated from all the male monkeys. so when he investigated the situation, they found a hole in the wall. and so this is the first ever monkey glory hole, i guess. yeah. and now the couple is living together and they will raise the baby when they have the baby. >> that is where they messed up, that is where they messed up because i feel like she should be so lucky. we should all be so lucky. most of us has to get pregnant watching a man [bleep].

[laughter] >> unless she got pregnant in the room by herself, i'm like him i promise you, nick cannon visited that zoo. [laughter] anything with anyone with a uterus within 100 square yards of nick cannon will get pregnant, i promise you. >> chelsea: every unwanted pregnancy should be blamed on nick cannon. >> i think these monkeys sound fun. so in confinement, they found a hole? i heard the other monkey was a different kind of monkey too. >> interracial monkey porn. >> interracial love, aren't we for it? [laughter] >> chelsea: thank you, guys, for being here. so much! thank you! [cheers and applause] stay tuned because when we come back, lea michele will be joining me, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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>> chelsea: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy and grammy nominated actor and singer in the broadway revival of "funny girl," which is breaking box office records and the cast album landed at number one on the billboard charts. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> chelsea: please welcome lea michele! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hi!

>> i am so happy for you. this is so cool. you are just nailing it. you are so good. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: oh, thank you! thank you. how many people have seen "funny girl"? [cheers and applause] okay, well, not enough. you all need to see this play. i went to your play last night and i have to say, it was one of those classic broadway experiences that i haven't had in a few years. you are incredible. >> thank you! >> chelsea: there are a lot of people who are famous, but you are really, really talented. >> i really appreciate that. it's hard work. >> chelsea: well, obviously, it's hard work but it takes a lot of talent to even execute that. there is dancing, they are singing, you are funny, it's a comedy. >> i was so nervous because i heard you might be there and i saw you and i was like, anyone who is so funny and so gifted in a way that you are, like, you and chris rock are the two people i was the most nervous having in the audience. >> chelsea: that is sweet i

guess. [laughter] i mean, i have to tell you, when i got up during intermission, i went to go get a diet coke and everyone was coming up to me. like, every gay person in a theater was coming up to me to tell me how amazing. they were like, can you believe it, how amazing is she? i'm like, i'm not her mother. >> everyone, send all of your comments and concerns and everything to chelsea. she speaks for me now. >> chelsea: yes, dm space back me. am ellen degeneres. so i know that you came into this play while it was already up and running so i have to know how long it took you to prepare for this. i mean, the schedule must be -- >> it is an unbelievable schedule, and anybody working -- anybody on broadway is working so incredibly hard. eight shows a week, i do seven shows a week. i had i think something like six weeks to learn everything. it's about 15 songs, 22 costume changes, something like seven to ten wig changes. it is a lot.

and made my rehearsal process, i was told that i had to start sooner than i thought. and so it was a really intense experience, but i did feel as prepared as a code for my first night. i just wanted to make all the quick changes happen and not walk on stage to be 35. >> chelsea: it is so much fun to watch. i was sitting there with my knees on one side and another friend on the other side and i was smiling so hard, like, my cheeks were like i was on ecstasy or something. >> oh, good! >> chelsea: oh, my god, it is so joyous, you got somebody standing ovations in the middle of your songs. that is so beautiful to see for a performer. >> it is by far the most incredible experience i have had as a performer on stage in a work environment. my mapping truly the time of my life. >> chelsea: that's nice. last time i saw you -- haven't seen you in a few years. the last time, since i have seen you last, you've gotten married and had a baby. >> yes, i know, i have a husband leaving my son, he was just two when i started the show, and it is hard for any parent going

to work, but i literally went from being home every single day to going to work and being at work all the time, and it is tough, but there is something also so amazing about coming home and having that family life that i never had while i was working. it is grounding and i'm so grateful for it. >> chelsea: that's great because i will never know what that feeling is. >> chelsea: come on! >> intentionally. >> we were talking about it, come to the city. >> chelsea: i've never lived in the city. >> the vibe here is good. trust me when good here, guys. [cheers and applause] >> chelsea: so tell me, how is a change. you have done so many broadway plays when you were younger, right? that is kind of how you got discovered? >> i did my first broadway show when i was eight years old, totally unplanned, just walked into it, continued working until i was 23. then i left to go to l.a. and i did "glee" and other tv shows and i never really planned on coming back to new york and that it was the pandemic that brought

us home because it is where our families are and yeah, i am back on broadway after 15 years and it is wild, having been gone for so long and jumping back into this schedule and when you are doing television, you are doing new material every day, it's a new script, a new story line. this is the same thing every day and there is something, as an artist, that is really exciting about that. how do you make that's new and how do you bring your own excitement to it every night? >> chelsea: how do you? >> [laughs] it really depends on how i am feeling. i will have a day where i am in a really upbeat mood and i lean into the humor and that really is what gives me the energy and then there are days when i need to kind of work some stuff out and that is when i lean into more of the emotion and the drama. >> chelsea: what are you saying to yourself? what is a person say before you walk out into a theater that for? how to perform? >> don't [bleep] up. [laughter] dear god, please, god, you should see me for the show, i am praying. i'm like, oh, my god. but if there is a show to [bleep] up -- can you say that?

>> chelsea: i don't see why not. >> if there is a show to mess up, this is the one, because it is like -- i feel so comfortable turning to the audience and just being like, well, here we go, that didn't work out, let's try it again from the top. but there is nothing like it, there is nothing like live theater, and i love it so much. it is an honest dream come true that so many people have known that i have really waited so long to play this part, and the fact that i am doing it, i still, every single night, i am like, i cannot believe i am doing this. and people are enjoying it and is the most incredible cast of incredible, hardworking actors and performers, and we really have fun in the midst of doing what is a very challenging job, and making an album in the midst of also doing all of our shows and having it do so well is just another great gift. >> chelsea: yeah. good for you. everyone needs to go see "funny girl," just playing out on broadway at the august wilson theatre. and we will be right back and take a quick break.

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