dg' scores and find out which act they hated the least. - hold everything! mrs. garrison, if you don't mind, i'll be taking that microphone. - okay, let's put our hands together for jimmy valmer. [light applause] - wow, what a terrific audience. so apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of baghdad. have you seen this? have you heard about this? just as b-bush predicted, baghdad fell, iraq fell, saddam fell... the only thing that didn't fall: the price of gas. [laughter] i just read in the paper that china's protesting japan. have you seen this? have you heard about this? yeah, i guess in china you don't get-- [tinkling bell] you gotta be kidding me. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com

♪♪ -tonight on our special coverage of the state of the union, president biden touts economic recovery as republicans heckle him for accusing them of trying to slash entitlement programs they only planned to eviscerate. -and donald trump delivers a rebuttal, claiming the only way to handle dictatorships like china is to let them use your country club for their golf franchise. -we'll ask democratic congressman adam schiff of california whether democrats can cross the aisle to work with republicans stuck outside the chambers surrendering their crossbows to security. -plus, founding editor at large of semafor

and foreign-policy expert steve clemons will explain why we should prioritize trade with china over war if we want to afford to launch wars with everyone else. -but first, state of the union analysis from democratic strategist and obvious corporate plant at the union meeting -- lydia parker... -chief field correspondent and 2018's "most distracting state of the union cougher" -- james smartwood jr... -conservative host who can go to the park unleashed because he has a chip in his paw -- tyler templeton. -and new york times columnist who brings a bottle of wine to your housewarming that's nicer than anything you've ever owned in your life -- charles blow. -reporting with the confidence of george santos saying george santos sr. is on schindler's list, our "tooning out" special coverage begins right now! -from comedy central, this is "tooning out the news: special coverage: state of the union 2023." "the nation's third most powerful person is named kevin." -good for romney there for telling santos to do something noble with his life, like spending his entire career firing factory workers. -i can't believe matt gaetz shook the president's hand while texting an uber driver to look for a girl at arrivals with a spongebob backpack.

-absolutely. i'm co-anchor james smartwood, and i read every billboard out loud on the way to work. -i'm co-anchor kylie weaver, and, yeah, i'm kind of a crossword guru. -let's jump in. the 2023 state of the union address featured president biden touting his record on the economy as republican heckling shattered the solemnity of the chamber that was only recently cleansed of their supporters' urine. -it began when biden suggested republicans might cut the entitlement programs they've spent their entire careers trying to cut. -instead of making the wealthy pay their fair share, some republicans want medicare and social security to sunset. i'm not saying it's a majority. [ jeering ] anybody who doubts it, contact my office. i'll give you a copy. i'll give you a copy of the proposal. -i get it. biden's botox is so shiny that republicans just thought he was a tv they could scream at. -i just cannot believe the freedom caucus would behave like this inside the hallowed chamber their followers almost killed mike pence in. -charles, biden shouldn't be worried about this outburst

because recent experience would tell us that it's not like the rowdy freedom caucus has any actual pull in congress, right? -well, it actually helps biden when people are unruly when he's trying to be sober and direct. in fact, his advisors and people inside the white house were saying that they were openly hoping that republicans would do exactly what they did today, which was to heckle him. -well, i can't believe biden kept interrupting marjorie taylor greene like that! i thought you were a feminist, joe! -hey, if we believe in the first amendment, we must defend marjorie taylor greene's right to scream the word "china" for 90 minutes. -good points all around. now, in his state of the union address, president biden made a spirited case for reelection in 2024, touting his positive stewardship of an american economy that no president has ever controlled. -i stand here tonight after we've created, with the help of many people in this room, 12 million new jobs -- more jobs created in two years than any president's created in four years. because of you all.

-it is truly inspiring to see biden bring more americans than ever into the thrill ride of the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle. -charles, president biden made the risky move of ignoring republican kitchen-table issues like sam smith and woke disney and instead focused on frivolous flashpoints like whether people can eat food. do you think it will work? -well, it's very interesting what he's doing, which is to go through, uh, and kind of list off his policy achievements. it's not unlike what other presidents have done, uh, but he's being told that he needs to talk about his achievements more because polls are showing that american people don't believe that he's gotten much done. i don't believe that that's what's happening. i think that people are just exhausted. there's hangover from covid. people feel like they felt, right? so they feel bad because they felt bad, and they have not released that yet. and, also, we're in a environment where people are far more interested in yelling and screaming and theater than they are interested in actual policy.

and i don't think people keep track of things unless they come to them as an actual paycheck in their, uh, you know, post offices or mailboxes. they don't pay attention to things that are gonna help them 5, 10, 15 years down the road. -you know, the good news for biden is he's made the average american wealthy enough to afford the hours-long drive to their nearest polling station. -biden has led innovation and job creation, from manufacturing to scab rail workers to classified-document search agents. -now, if i could derail the conversation, joe "hunter" biden completely ignored everyday americans struggling to put a 40-egg omelet on the table because of skyrocketing prices. and now i will do what joe biden doesn't have the guts to do and negotiate the prices of eggs myself! roll the bumper! [ dramatic music plays ] well, well, well! [ chickens clucking ] look at these fat cats inside their luxurious 4-square-foot mansion feasting on gourmet corn pellets. i just have one question, you greedy bastards!

when is enough, enough?! how much money do you need?! -tyler, you cannot possibly think the chickens set the prices of eggs, right? -[ laughs ] you are so naive, james. who else would set the prices? the farmers that the chickens employ? the supermarkets the chickens truck their eggs to? -now, charles, are there any other explanations for the rise in egg prices besides the one that tyler just put forth? -well, you know, they're experiencing a massive kind of bird flu right now, and that is contributing to this in a major way. and also on top of that, there's the overall -- since the inflation has gone up. so a lot of supermarket goods have gone up. so eggs have this two-fold issue happening all at once. -now, charles, in the spirit of full transparency, when was the last time an egg yolk entered your body? -oh, i eat eggs every day. [ laughs ] -every day?! my god! okay, so, well -- it's clear the chickens got to charles. don't go anywhere, charles.

i'll come save you after i finish the special coverage. -okay, well, things are a little heated between one of our news anchors and some chickens, so let's wrap it there. -sorry we didn't have time for pete buttigieg cloning himself so he can appear on every sunday show simultaneously. -thank you to "tooning out the news" contributor charles blow. thank you, charles. -thank you. -when we return, democratic congressman adam schiff explains why he still has hope for bipartisanship even though he checks his backseat for proud boys before pulling out of his driveway. that's ahead. -tyler, are you going to save charles? -what? who's charles? -charles blow. you were -- you were gonna save him from the chickens? -oh, really? [ laughs ] that sounds ridiculous. lydia, what is he talking about? -this is not my fight.

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♪♪ -welcome back to our special coverage. during the break, the freedom caucus distributed lapel pins in the shape of sexy green m&m's. trump is the first candidate for president in history who has been impeached twice, eroding his support among all five of the country's remaining moderate republicans. -one of those impeachment hearings was led by our next guest, democratic congressman from california adam schiff. thank you for joining us, congressman. -great to be with you. -absolutely. congressman, do you think president biden has a stronger message than president trump's message of "i sent tina brown flowers when she launched talk magazine but i never got a thank you note"? -[ laughs ] i thought, uh,

president biden did a great job tonight, uh, talking about making the economy work for all americans, the progress that we've made under his administration, and the work that's still ahead, so i thought he knocked it out of the park tonight. -sure, president biden has a durable coalition, but trump does have bipartisan cooperation between republicans and white nationalists. -well -- well -- biden has nothing on trump. during his state of the union, he did not once auction iowa to the highest bidding dictator. -it is true. now, congressman, during his speech, president biden challenged republicans to support ultra left-wing socialist priorities like fighting cancer and opioids with this call to unity. -and to my republican friends, if we could work together in the last congress, there's no reason we can't work together and find consensus on important things in this congress, as well. [ applause ] -now, congressman, can you work with the republicans who shouted over the president when they weren't busy texting oath keepers photos of your license plate? -[ laughs ] i think, uh, president biden

has signaled his willingness -- and i share that willingness -- to work together to get things done for the american people. we passed the bipartisan infrastructure bill. we passed legislation to help us bring manufacturing back home. we even passed some gun-safety legislation -- not nearly enough, but we made some progress. there's a lot more that we can do in this session of congress to move the country forward. i'm willing to do whatever's necessary to make that happen, and i think the president signaled that his, uh -- that he is open to that kind of bipartisan cooperation, as well. -look. biden is partisan. sure, he delivered strom thurmond's eulogy, but he refused to get in the coffin with him. -moving on. congressman, you are running to be the next united states senator from california, even though the seat is currently held by democratic senator dianne feinstein, who has yet to announce her plans, even though she is, according to our fact checkers, one million years old. -now, since you are appearing here in your capacity as a member of congress, you cannot comment on your senate campaign

or dianne feinstein's decision on whether or not to retire. is that correct? -uh, that's correct. this is an official interview, so i'm gonna keep my remarks focused on the policy of the united states. -okay, and we respect that, so let's not talk about dianne feinstein's retirement decision. let's move on to a completely unrelated topic -- beautiful boca raton, florida. whether it's tennis, golf, or taking in the ocean breeze, boca, as the locals call it, is the perfect spot to enjoy your golden years. -explore the world-class boca raton museum of art. -or open-air concerts at the mizner park amphitheater with a july 26th performance from the goo goo dolls. -plus, it has some of the best dining in south florida. -but don't take it from us. congressman schiff, tell us some things you would do if you retired to boca raton, florida. -well, i would, uh -- i would enjoy the great weather and i would enjoy all the wonderful people and the fact that every week in boca

is basically like a "seinfeld" episode. -how so? -i'm too young for that reference. but it sounds like a wonderful place for a random woman... -how so? -...to retire without some know-it-all intern leaking their every mental hiccup to politico. -boca raton. never have to make conversation with chuck grassley again. -oh, i'm feeling called to go to commercial, and i have to respect that impulse, so let's wrap it there. -sorry we didn't have time for speaker mccarthy apologizing to lauren boebert for delivering her weekly dry cleaning 10 minutes late. -thank you to our esteemed guest, democratic congressman adam schiff. thank you, congressman. -thank you. -when we return, our new segment -- "america at war: country tbd." that's ahead. -"tooning out the news: the podcast" is available thursdays wherever you get your podcasts.

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♪♪ -welcome back to our special coverage. ever since the united states emerged defeat-orious from afghanistan after a brief 239-month battle, we've been a nation desperately in search of our next quagmire. but recently, the gods of war answered raytheon's prayers by delivering literally from the heavens an intelligence-gathering balloon launched by the people's republic of china. -we cover it all in our new segment -- "america at war: country tbd."

-here to discuss live from apparently a cheesecake factory is foreign-policy expert and founding editor at large of semafor -- steve clemons. thank you so much for joining us, steve. -james, good to be with you. -now, balloon/11 hit as military leaders and their congressional allies have been appearing on cable news using rhetoric with the cautious precision of an errant drone missile taking out a wedding party. -china is a major threat to the united states. -they foisted covid-19 on the world. they're trying to effect the largest land grab, so to speak, in history. -if we understand how determined china is... -are these all the same guy? -...we have time to maintain our military edge. -the odds are very high we could see a conflict with china and taiwan and the indo-pacific. -congressman mccaul of texas doesn't have a dog in this hunt, unless you include the dogs living on one of his state's 15 military bases. -steve, are you concerned that by upping their defense spending to a full 36% of what america spends, china is proving they're too aggressive to reason with?

-look. china has a strategy. -lame. -china wants to be influential in parts of the world. it does not want to have an empire of bases like the united states currently does, where it can deploy force. we can deploy our intelligence capacity all around the world. no nation at all can rival that and can't rival that for the next many decades. but i should add to that -- that china, with all this tension, is america's largest trading partner. we do $750 billion of trade. -that's a lot of suicide nets. -so it's kind of odd to be talking about and hyperventilating about a war with a nation that we do so much trade with. -you know, america spends more in defense than china, india, russia, united kingdom, saudi arabia, germany, france, japan, and south korea combined. since those countries will all go to war with us if we invade china, it'd be irresponsible not to double our spending. -right. well -- -well -- -the -- the -- if i may. if i may. i'm so sorry, steve, but i have to jump in. the problem is we don't have enough pro-military entertainment, besides all the movies, tv, news, and sports.

and i am calling on the nfl to play the super bowl in the middle of the pentagon! -now, because a war with a nation with the largest army in the world is not guaranteed, even after we saw the big balloon, the united states is eyeing a backup war with russia. -now, luckily, the military generals are advocating soft diplomacy by simply naming the heavy artillery we must send to ukraine yesterday. -the tanks are absolutely central. -give 'em the m270 mlrs systems, which doubles the capacity of a himars. -dedication to the tanks. -combined arms operations. -getting those tanks there right now. more artillery and ammunition. some armored fighting vehicles. even 20 tanks. artillery against artillery. more aircraft. more aircraft munitions. 600 drones. get a hundred of those in. the atacms missile. -good for cnn for getting perspective from general wesley clark, a pure unbiased source if you don't count his various roles with over 90 private and publicly traded companies. now, steve, are you concerned a war with russia

could lead to a nuclear conflict leaving no one alive to go to war with china? -well, the answer is "absolutely." because russia is a nation that is, next to the united states, the most armed nuclear-weapon state in the world. the borders that this ukraine conflict is touching are right along the lines of poland and other nato nations. and if any of those nations are attacked, then it brings together what they call article 5, or the "all for one, one for all" maxim of nato. and we all have to defend each other. we will be at war with russia at that point. and given our armaments, given the military, and given some of the success of volodymyr zelenskyy and the ukrainians in fighting russia, this could be something that, out of frustration, putin goes nuclear, and then we have a very big problem. -well, listen, if i know vladimir putin, he wants to project strength. and if he feels humiliated, he could lash out, which would be great for our ratings, sure, but terrible for humanity.

that's why we should not say that vladimir putin is chicken. -or that he's a skilled impressionist, like when he did that impression of the value of his country's currency. -yeah. exactly. -mm, that's right. -or that he joined the kgb because he thought it stood for keep getting botox. [ laughter ] -that's a good one. -or his troops retreated faster than -- this is putin. -oh. -or his troops retreated faster than his hairline in his early twenties. -nice! -get 'im, james! -yes! hear more of this nuanced, delicate conversation during the "tooning out the news roast and provocation to war of vladimir putin." -now, we shouldn't move on without saying that military generals appearing on cable news without disclosing how they profit from military escalation is a serious violation of whatever's left of the trust between the media and electorate. -now let's bring in foreign-policy expert kablooey the missile of kablooey & associates defense solutions live from his office in arlington, virginia. thank you for joining us, kablooey. -thank you for having me. -now, kablooey, obviously a very serious situation with china and russia. -yes, two fronts.

-if you were in the pentagon right now, as opposed to your office across the street, what are you advising the defense department? -first of all, my heart goes out to all the ukrainian women and children... and the chinese women and children scared for their lives. second, it's incumbent upon the united states to show strength. -and what is strength to you, kablooey? -it's standing up for freedom and unanimously passing a $2-trillion defense package consisting of tanks, ammunition, and fighter jets. ooh, also helicopters. -yeah, absolutely. -that's really interesting. -so, steve, is kablooey right here? do we need to increase spending for ammunition, fighter jets, and helicopters? -james, you forgot the tanks. general dynamics will be super bummed if we don't push the tanks thing hard this quarter. -look, i mean, this is a show that you are punching the buttons... -hosts: what?! -...basically looking at what's going on in the world and seeing a war around every corner. -hosts: no! -you know, and i think with kablooey, who obviously has a conflict of interest between the kinds of, you know, investments he wants to make with our tax dollars, there are better ways to do it.

-wow. kablooey, your response? -look. i know what you're thinking. kablooey escalating deadly conflict using reckless rhetoric just to make a buck is the definition of evil. i get it, but then i remember that somewhere in ukraine or taiwan or any inch of planet earth... [ sad music plays ] ...there's a little boy named tommy and his single mother, tammy, who needs the united states to send them 10 to 20 f-16 fighting falcons, even if it means kablooey earning enough to buy a downright sick, nasty bmw. like, i barely tap the accelerator, and in four seconds i'm going a hundred. that engine is roaring like a beast from planet awesome. and if you think that's wrong, then you hate little tommy and his little mama and the brave democracy-loving people of whatever countries i said earlier. -that was so beautiful. -amazing. -steve, please apologize to kablooey. -me apologize? -yeah. yeah, you! -please. -me apologize? there's gonna be no apology coming from my side. -that's bullshit, steve, and you know it. -now, some guy just challenged me to exchange full-force haymakers on the fire escape, so let's pause it there.

thank you to our guest, semafor's steve clemens. thank you so much, steve. -thank you, folks. -when we return, austin sparks previews what's in store for the state of the union coverage on "sparks!" stick around. -follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, instagram, and tiktok for exclusive content. this week is your chance to try any - subway footlong for free. like the subway series menu. just buy any footlong in the app, and get one free. free monsters, free bosses, any footlong for free! this guy loves a great offer. let's see some hustle! alice loves the scent of gain so much, she wished there was a way to make it last longer. say hello to your fairy godmother, alice. and, long lasting gain scent beads. try gain odor defense.

be gone, smelly everything! ♪♪ -welcome back. let's go to austin sparks for preview of what's ahead on a special state of the union edition of "sparks!" take it away, austin. -thanks, kylie. unless you've been drinking nyquil, you know i'm the host of "tooning out the news'" hit "what's this guy smoking" late-night show "sparks!" and tonight it's our very special "sparks! of the union re-butt-al" episode. emphasis on the "butt." the fun begins with former congressman lee zeldin and i slurping spaghetti over biden's state of the union entrance. then mark "big mac" mcgwire and i hit the streets of new york to see if anyone will massage his feet. spoiler alert -- no one goes for it. and finally, i do my state of the union re-butt-al talking out my butt like ace ventura in that movie. [as ace ventura] "like a glove!" we're gettin' sparksy with it! ♪ na, na, na, na, na-na ♪ tonight on "sparks!"