- these bees suck. they made crappy shampoo nobody wants to buy. - since we got this free shampoo, i'm gonna go, like, wash my hair. [chuckles] just open this up here... what? - damn it, now those dumb bugs made fruit or something. - aah, damn it. - now, you just relax. while you were selling your honey, i bought everything i need to make my special summer squash vegan bisque. - aw, david, that sounds so-- [wasps buzzing] [screams] - oh, my! oh, no! [both screaming] aaaah! - ow! [glass shattering] aah! oh, my god! get off! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, sarah silverman! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> sarah: welcome, everybody, to night three of silverman hanukkah! this is "the daily show!" i'm sarah silverman. let's get right into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with elon musk, twitter ceo and man who has definitely scissored a robot. if you thought your twitter feed was especially flooded with elon's tweets this week, you weren't alone. apparently, elon's tweets weren't going viral enough, so he pressured his engineers to design a special algorithm just for his tweets so that everyone would see them first. because it behooves all of us to be privy to their fresh and original insights of the richest man in the world. really, though, this is just the most pathetic thing i've ever

heard. i don't understand how someone can have 15 kids and still be an incel. [cheers and applause] i feel bad for him, i really do. this man paid $44 billion to get the same insecurities that i have for free! let's move on to turkey. it's been 10 days since the country was struck by a devastating earthquake. but in a small bit of good news, rescue workers are still miraculously finding people alive in the rubble. [cheers and applause] just yesterday, they saved two brothers who survived more than 200 hours by eating protein powder and drinking their own urine. yech! protein powder. but how amazing is that? protein powder and urine! that definitely sounds like something you could buy from

say, a joe rogan. thank god they had that protein powder down there. that's why experts are now saying, in case of an earthquake, try to stand in the doorway of a gnc. let's move on. are you familiar with the tv network newsmax? [boos] oh, you are. it's basically an even more far-right fox news. like, if your crazy uncle had a crazy uncle. anyway, a reporter from newsmax was at the white house yesterday and he asked a very newsmax-y question. >> one of the most prominent themes that we hear from both elected republicans and candidates has to do with what is called "wokeism." and so, we hear so much talk about "woke capitalism," a "woke military," and so on. and by way of trying to clarify

this for the american people, i wonder if we couldn't begin with a threshold question. to wit: is president biden woke? >> sarah: first of all, "to wit"? okay, frasier. i love how these guys are always like, "the left are coastal elites! now prithee tell, doth thou be woketh?" a person who says "to wit" is usually a "to-wat." [cheers and applause] this guy really thinks, "is joe biden woke a hard-hitting question. the really hard-hitting question is, "is joe biden awake?" i think they are just communicating wrong. because what i know "woke" to mean is, like, learning new things about people or the world, and then acting accordingly. like, basic kindness.

maybe a gesture of care to people who are more vulnerable than you. you know what, you wouldn't like it, it's jesus stuff. they're like, but i don't like when they push it on me. nobody's pushing shit on you. you're acting like a beta cuck. like, woke for the right is an umbrella term so they don't have to say specifically that they're pieces of shit. it feels cooler to say, "i'm not woke," than the truth, which is, "i'm terrified of what i don't understand and i only know how to process that as anger because i can't look inward. to wit..." [cheers and applause] someone whose wokeness nobody is wondering about: kanye west. his decision to go full nazi hasn't just destroyed his own

career, but it also burned adidas, and now the company is looking for a, well, let's say, a final solution. >> well, after cutting ties with ye, better known as kanye west, back in october over anti-semitic comments, adidas is now looking into options to salvage its merchandise and avoid major losses. so the company says it does expect to lose more than $1 billion by ending that yeezy merchandise line. adidas could possibly repurpose the products now in order to keep their losses at a minimum. some of the options that are looking at include removing the yeezy label on all of the merchandise or selling, possibly to smaller markets outside of the united states. >> sarah: this is why we have to stop giving deals to celebrities who are cool and start giving them to celebrities who are just fine. but i can't adidas start a randy newman line? [applause]

for more on what adidas can do with thesedulce sloan, live at s headquarters. [cheers and applause] dulce, what do you say, adidas is screwed, right? any way to salvage this? >> maybe. i mean, maybe not. that's not my problem. that's adidas's problem! it's called "losing money." you rolled the dice and it came up "mein kampf." that's on you. welcome to capitalism, bitches! [cheers and applause] >> sarah: yeah, but will adidas have to throw out all of the issues? it is so wasteful. maybe they just take the labels off? >> they are still going to know it as though she was. you can't take the label off. you ain't tricking nobody. the saint clark kent as superman situation. you need to find a different use for these shoes. like, look at these.

you don't have to throw them away. you can just drain pasta in t them. [applause] and then you got those boots. okay? they look like weird blankets. you cut them up, use them as blankets for small hostages, right? just say, shh, they can't hurt you now, you are safe, squeeze the yeezys around you. look at that. easy, come on! put your nivea body wash on it like god intended. >> sarah: this one could be a good menorah. [cheers and applause] >> just like god intended. here is another idea.

just keep selling the ugly ass shoes! the only people buying them anymore are nazis, so now we'll know who the nazis are. [cheers and applause] you identify those beliefs with footwear. you can spot them anywhere, even in a bathroom stall. because you know i'm in the men's room. >> sarah: why are you an immense room? >> because that is where the men are. it literally says it on the door. men's room. that is where the men are it! [cheers and applause] >> sarah: i mean, i like your plan, but wouldn't it be wrong for adidas to take nazi money? >> no, that's the best part! the more money they spend on shoes, the have less money they have to buy nazi shit.

right? >> sarah: okay. >> then, when it's time to fight but they buy weapons because they spent all of their money on size 9 pasta strainers! [applause] welcome to capitalism, ya nazi bitches! [cheers and applause] >> sarah: you did it, dulce, you solved it! dulce sloan, everyone! [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, we'll take a look at why you should cancel your flight. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[playstation mnemonic] this is live from ps5. let's go now to our first story. the good people of manhattan woke up to a gift from their favorite hero. there's two of them! [reporting in foreign language] [reporting in foreign language] experts are linking all of these events to an increase in activity on ps5. this was live from ps5, bringing you the extraordinary. rated rp to m. playstation.

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[cheers and applause] >> sarah: welcome back to "the daily show." sometimes there are stories that need more than one take, and for that, we go to roy wood, jr., and desi lydic for "double take." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> hey, i am or i am

roy wood jr., and she is desi lydic. [cheers and applause] >> how are you doing? >> that's enough small talk. let's get into it, desi. today, we are talking about air travel in america. i do know about you, desi, but i love lying because honestly, there's nothing better than being trapped in the metal tube with 300 strangers during the pandemic and all of us praying that the pilot ain't too drunk to land this is to be 25, i love that. >> i will be honest, i don't actually love that, i got to tell you. i had the worst flight last weekend. this kid next to me cried to the entire time, screaming in my ear. i would like, i don't care you are my son. mommy is trying to watch a movie. >> that's right. got to watch "zoo lander." it is a classic. >> tour de force. >> "blue steel." [cheers and applause] >> i have to do very little for that. have resting blue steel face. it is not just me, roy.

air travel has gotten so bad recently that congress has been forced to get involved. >> senators ed markey and richard blumenthal introducing airline passengers bill of rights aimed at requiring airlines to fairly compensate fliers during airline caused delays and cancellations. the senators also wanted to limit fees for bags, seating, as well as for changes or cancellations. >> if passengers could receive 1350 bucks whenever their flight is delayed by four hours, i am guaranteeing you, there would be a lot fewer delays. [cheers and applause] >> yeah, yeah. we could soon be getting an airline passengers bill of rights. and if it is anything like the original bill of rights, we just have to wait another 100 years for it to apply to women and black people. [applause] >> you know, but that's great to hear. i got to say, $1300 is a lot of money. that's a lot of money, especially if you can buy $200

flight for a chance to end a grand. you could be gambling at the airport. you can buy a cheap ticket and wait for the delay in the sky lounge, like, come on, delta, give me that we can mechanical failure! >> i, for one, and whether they are finally doing something about the fees. they have a nickel and diming us for years, for as baggage, fees to print a boarding pass, fees for picking ach. like, what are you going to do if i don't pick a seat? how about i just stand the entire flight. i will treat your damn flight like it is as a boy i will stand there break dancing and. i will. >> speaking of jerking jerking sticks matt off on a airplane, there's been a lot of them on the runway for hours, as the laws of physics estate come over there is too much time to kill, white people bust out the acoustic guitars. ♪ ♪

>♪ country ♪ ♪ 's ♪ ♪ take me home ♪ [cheers and applause] >> no. no, no, no. look. no one has ever been like, you know what would make this delayed flight better? let's break out into a sing-along. also come i didn't the dude who wrote that song, didn't he die in a plane crash? how is plane crash dude in charge of the anthem for air travel? how is he in charge of that? i'm asking you because you are right. how was that possible? >> oh, i don't know, but i will bring it up at the next white people meeting. >> okay. >> singing john denver on the flight is like tempting fate. i wouldn't watch "titanic" on a cruise. yeah, i will check out this be titty painting scene but that is it. and one of the big reasons air travel in this travel is

struggling is the faa, or more commonly known as "faah." >> that's right, the faa is in a lot of trouble because we are finding out how outdated some of these airports are. they are tracking flights with paper strips. they are not using computers. they are writing your flight on a paper strip and putting it up on the board. arts and crafts! >> oh, my god. how are these planes not crashing all the time? >> well, they are getting close. >> the faa is forming a team of experts to examine flight safety after several recent close calls involving commercial planes. >> i fedex boeing 767 was about to land in austen's international airport as a southwest airlines 737 was told to take off from the same runway. the two planes came within 100 feet of colliding in thick fog. it comes three weeks after another near collision at jfk, where a delta airlines flight

abruptly stopped its takeoff as an american airlines flight taxied across the runway in front of it. >> [bleep]. cancel take off. >> emitters care in december just recently came to light. united airlines flight departing mall we took a nosedive come upon venting and about 20 seconds coming on thin 775 feet of the pacific ocean. >> flames shooting out from under the wing of a delta plane traveling from scotland to new york. forced to make an emergency landing. delta blames a mechanical issue. >> yeah. no shit. i am not an engineer. i am not an engineer. but if the wing is on fire, that looks like a mechanical issue. >> yeah. and also, oh, my god, can you imagine dying in a plane crash on the runway? like, if i am dying in a plane, i better be in the air. otherwise i am just going all the way through tsa just to die

in a car crash. [applause] >> to add insult to injury, now you are dead and you don't have your full size shampoo. >> you know what, roy, these incidents make me think that we need a new passenger bill of rights. article one. airlines should not kill you. >> article two. if they do kill you, you get $1300. [applause] >> article three. get rid of the paper strips. or at least laminate them. it is the 20th century. >> it's the 21st century. >> it's the 21st century. >> article four. if someone on the flight has to die, it should be the person with the acoustic guitar. [cheers and applause] >> and also, let me just slip in article five. no more children on flights. [cheers and applause]

>> what about your kid? >> especially my kid. no more children on flights. get them off! >> works for me. thanks for chatting, desi. back to you, sarah. >> sarah: >> sarah: thanks, guys. all right, stay tuned because when we come back, the legend himself, kareem abdul-jabbar, will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> sarah: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an nba legend who will be honored by adidas with a limited edition sneaker collection called "evolution of excellence" that celebrates his career across sports and social justice. please welcome, oh, my gosh, kareem abdul-jabbar! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

well. well, well, well. >> well. >> sarah: you know, when they said i could guest host this show, then they said, who is your dream guest? don't say -- it doesn't have to be realistic, just say one dream guest and then make a realistic list, and i said, kareem abdul-jabbar. [cheers and applause] let's pretend this is a therapy session. i am your therapist. >> all right. >> sarah: of course, as everyone knows, lebron james just broke one of your records, and you were so gracious and there and everything. but how did it make you feel? >> [laughs] i like to say, i am pretty glad that my role in it was finished. [laughs]

you know, but lebron worked real hard for it. he deserves it. he has spent his adult life as a premier athlete and done an exceptional job at it. and his heart is in the right place. i don't know, you may or may not know how he sent a whole school district to college. [cheers and applause] yeah. >> sarah: nice. >> a whole lot he can be doing with that tuition money, you know? he could be on his own island. but that is where his heart is. so i got a lot of respect for him. i wish him well. >> sarah: i was always a fan of your basketball. but i became moved to super fandom when just reading your writing and your pieces and your substack and -- i mean, i think of myself as someone who does

odd jobs. you, i feel a kindred spirit with you. you write for "time" magazine and you've got your substack and >> you know, my manager and friend, deborah morales, enabled me to figure out a way to express all of this, and make it work as a living, you know? getting paid for doing something that you love is, like, almost as good as playing basketball. [applause] >> sarah: you know what i really want to ask you about is your friendship with bruce lee. you know, he reminds me of you with him is just the idea of "be like water." >> the name of his -- >> sarah: to adjust to any circumstance, to sprout where you are planted.

>> bruce was all about brotherhood. yeah. [applause] he was all about brotherhood. and for a long time, chinese people didn't like him teaching people who weren't chinese. but bruce said, hey, i have learned things from people who weren't chinese that maybe they might have wanted to keep quiet but they shared it. and that was his attitude about it. and it made it possible for the exchange to happen. i know that is how it was with me and him. our friendship was based on that. it meant something. >> sarah: those are mitzvahs, they are generous, a wonderful way to live. >> yes, absolutely. >> sarah: that's how i think of you. it is mister rogers and you. you are my top two. it's true! [cheers and applause] the evolution of excellence collection. all right, we are going to take a break. [cheers and applause]