[cheers and applause] >> sarah: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, please

consider supporting the block chicago, a nonprofit that cultivates the love of boxing and young people while connecting them with mentors and academic services. it is an amazing program. if you can't support them in their work, please donate at the link below. happy birthday. and now, here it is, your "moment of zen." >> all right, kansas city jeeves superstar patrick mahomes. congratulation. >> it's okay, i will let paul represent me. it's okay. i appreciated. thank you so much. enjoy disneyland. the brooklyn nets -- no refunds. tonight on "tooning out the news," the liberal "virtue signal" praises celebrity spokespersons bravely fighting the unjust stigma around bilking fans out of their savings. then the conservative "hot take" asks comedian tig notaro whether watching a woke super bowl ad is doubly harmful to

concussed nfl players suffering double vision. but, first, with more balloons shot down every day, will war be inevitable if u.n. inspectors are denied entry to a chinese 5-year-old's birthday party? it's time for some big news. ♪ ♪ all right. good evening, everyone. i'm james smartwood and i'm delivering the news despite a high ankle sprain. top story tonight -- a nation afflicted with unprecedented gun violence and systemic calamity is focussed squarely on balloons. we cover it all in our new segment, balloon 11: the day the mylar fell. since shooting down the original chinese spy balloon, the greatest military in history continues to unleash its might against an invading armada of inflatable doohickiesrecently sending three additional balloons straight to hell. the nation is thrilled to finally face an opponent it can defeat, though modern balloon warfare is not easy. the u.s. military jet that

downed an unknown object in the michigan sky on sunday missed on its first attempt. it wasn't clear where the missile that missed ultimately landed. the second missile took down the target. each of the missiles cost more than $400,000. that sounds expensive until you consider the millions in health care costs if that balloon deflated, fell to earth and some guy ate it on a dare. here is national security council coordinator john kirby calming a nation gripped by manufactured crisis. >> they did not appear to have any self-propulsion. the likely hypothesis is that they were being moved by the prevailing winds. >> kirby there using every lesson learned over his 28 years of decorated military service to explain how wind works. kirby then appeared on cnn to warn our enemies that our trillion dollar defense apparatus has the tactical capability to seamlessly pivot to balloon-o-vision. >> the norad staff adjusted the parameters for the radar systems, the sensitivities to look for things that were low -- i'm sorry -- slow, high --

and small. when you adjust your sensitives on the radar, you're likely to see more of those kinds of contacts. >> for those not familiar with military jargon, he said we set the settings to balloon and now we see balloons. joining me now to escape the clutches of the evil lord headlines by putting our analysis ship into hyperscoops is democratic strategist who falls on the floor and rolls around laughing when a rich person tells her a joke, lydia parker. >> good evening. >> chief washington bureau chief who's been sleeping in his car after the gas meter guy just kind of moved in, jonathan keene. >> hello. >> chief field correspondent who thinks french is just really fast english, james smartwood jr. >> hey, dad. >> and cbs news chief washington correspondent and "tooning out" contributor, whose voice should only be allowed on tv after 10:00 p.m., major garrett. thanks for joining us, major. >> always a pleasure. >> whoa. >> great to have you back. now, major, let's start with you. what do these balloons want and do they only understand force? >> it's a really good day in washington when senators and members of the pentagon staff say, with all due seriousness, these were not aliens.

so we can cross that off the list, at least for now. and it's important to note that for the biden administration the first balloon, now followed by three others, creates the opportunity. we would call that a balloon crisis, and all administrations like crises to resolve. >> look, we must modernize our military to fight the battles of the future. our defense department needs a surface to air custodian. >> now, i just hope don't rush to war like we did after secretary colin powell showed the united nations that vial of balloon. >> i don't think we can limit our response to shooting trash out of the sky, which is why i've been going nuts on my recycling with a baseball bat. >> oh, thank you so much for your service there, junior. >> oh, no problem. >> now, speaking of purposeless aggression against nonthreatening objects, the republican party and its media allies have been focusing on core conservative issues like candy commercials, gas stoves and disney rides. it paints the picture of a

republican party that is lost and needs to do the inner work required to form a mature, healthy relationship with the american people. here with advice is dr. orna guralnik, a psychologist featured on the showtime series "couples therapy." thank you so much for joining us, doctor. >> hello. >> now, doctor, we have, let's say, a friend looking for advice. they've been striking out a lot, most recently in november. they're paranoid. they think everyone's attacking them, trying to replace them, rant on and on about "moana." how do you pull someone like that out of a tailspin? >> it's not easy to get through to a person when they're in a paranoid state. a person in a paranoid state is obviously protecting something very fragile inside. so, you know, you -- when you try to come at them directly, for example, with facts or trying to convince them logically or rationally about how irrational they may sound or how their fears might be irrational or how defensive they seem, that's not going to work. they're just going to get

tighter and tighter and more defensive. as a psychoanalyst, one way that we think about it is that there's all sorts of vulnerabilities or injuries or bad feelings about the self, or aggression that is not owned, that a paranoid person needs to project onto their environment, onto the person near them or onto a group. so they're constantly in a state of projecting to avoid their own vulnerability. >> and i should also mention, you know, they're very hung up on their ex. he's this toxic, wealthy, unfaithful con man living in palm beach. i mean, sure the sex was incredible, but how do they move on from that? >> so their ex might have become an object of projection that they become obsessed with, yes? >> ah. it's their daddy. it's like a daddy figure. >> yeah, like a daddy figure or mommy projection, but it's a projection of all sorts of stuff. >> you were all casting judgment

on republicans for hysteria over president biden. >> what are you talking about keene? >> sure, president biden is nice enough, but what about his other unholy form? >> what was that? >> stop it, keene. you're scaring junior. >> what's up now? >> you know what i want, reasonable bipartisan solutions that solve inequities in our economy and provide relief to those who are struggling. >> oh, man. >> you know, i have to say the biden monster there seems pretty reasonable. >> he's just saying the trite pablum democrats have been repeating for decades. >> major, do you think voters buy the story republicans are telling them about the threat of joe biden? >> the voters who showed up in the midterm elections -- wow, the dog is really animated. keene, you have really scared this animal to a level of kind of unalarming frenzy. >> sorry to jump in here, but dr. guralnik, after so many years, how do you keep your marriage interesting?

>> well, by the fact that we're different from each other, it is fresh and exciting. if you try to squish it all down and make it all the same so everyone looks the same and does the same thing, it's going to get pretty dead. >> ah, i'll just dress like a fireman. >> well, it's time to fling my tie over one shoulder as i lower my grateful face into a delicious helping of homemade macaroni and cheese. so let's wrap it there. sorry we didn't have time to cover the frenzied excitement following nikki haley's presidential campaign announcement. thank you to showtime's dr. orna guralnik and cbs news' major garrett. thank you to you both. >> thank you. >> thank you. kylie, what cause are you taking up tonight that you'll drop once it requires even the slightest action? >> thanks, james. tonight we honor stars who helped mega corporations launder their reputations and never ask for anything in return but a boat load of money. that's ahead. >> so i'm thinking about creating an app where you can sell your used flowers. >> no one -- no one wants used flowers. they're already dead. >> well, they're significantly cheaper than fresh flowers.

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tonight -- we honor celebrities who come into your home through commercials for mega corporations trying to foreclose on it. this is "virtue signal." ♪ ♪ >> hi, i'm kylie weaver, and, yeah, i called the super bowl a rihanna concert. joining me in the echo chamber is former dnc chair under the impression everything behind business class is prisoner transport, charlotte fitzgerald. >> hello. >> and the lincoln project senior adviser who has to eat a burrito laying down or he ruins his pants, troy lawson. >> good evening. top story, y'all. the collapse of crypto, despite reassurances from its numerous celebrity endorsers, has made the cynical public suddenly scrutinize the intentions of well-meaning celebrities who lend their faces to faceless mega corporations. some say this is greedy celebrities who already have everything wanting more of everything, but we say it's

celebrities getting paid for the win af. >> whoo! yeah, baby! >> first up, the celebrities endorsing citibank despite how adorkablely klutzy the nation's third largest bank is when it tricks investors, manipulates markets, illegally markets credit cards and engages in outright theft. we so stand a messy bank that drags consumers out of their homes. okay, panel, these celebrity endorsers, this is exactly what we talk about when we talk about people working two, even three jobs. >> absolutely, kylie. if citibank's victims want my sympathy, they should give katy perry a few million bucks for a dead-eyed read of their slogan. >> yes. >> where is aoc on this? >> next up, celebrities endorsing spacs or special purpose acquisition companies. these are shell companies listed on the stock exchange with low regulations and no operating

assets, except for the endorsement of celebrities like alex rodriguez, peyton manning, ciara, and real-life cocaine bear, larry kudlow. look, when you start a company, the first priority is picking the celebrity spokesperson. little details like what the company actually is or does can be hammered out later. >> a-rod has a cayman islands based spac called slam corp. with $579 million in assets. it's simple. he's the all-time major league leader in grand slams and, no matter the context, he will succeed in all slam-related activities. >> moving on to kourtney kardashian. the self-made from inherited wealth business queen is promoting her new lemme purr gummy supplements, which claim in an instagram post to her 212 million followers, which isn't that many -- we combined real pineapple, vine minute c and the power of clinically studied snz 1969 probiotics to target vaginal health and ph

levels that support freshness and taste. ugh. that feeling when you can't share the stunning results of your clinical studies, which definitely refute what experts have slammed as straight-up pseudo science. fam, i like how this product fits in with the general kardashian message, that women are gross and need to be body stockinged and gummy dosed into acceptability. >> truth be told, my vagina's got a bit of a sweet tooth, so i'm definitely going to check these gummies out. >> i know. my vagina's like nom, nom, nom. >> oh, please don't ask me anything. >> and i like that this product is focussed on the core component of vaginal health. >> oh, no. >> one's paranoia over its freshness and taste. >> what? >> and i could see this product being a massive bummer if it arrived in some fantasy world where this country already treated women like second class citizens. >> yes. troy? >> yes? >> you're awfully quiet. what do you think? >> i think that the super bowl was fun to watch.

>> that's not the topic, silly. what do you think of vaginal health? >> i don't think i should pipe up on this one. >> hmmm. so you don't think it's everyone's responsibility to prioritize women's health? >> patrick mahomes played through a high vagina sprain -- i mean ankle. i mean i'm sorry, kylie. i worked for bob dole for god's sake. just give me a pass on this one, please. you have to! you have to do this! >> now, sure, kourtney kardashian's vaginal gummies are clinically studied, but they don't pack the punch of my new meow gummy supplements. i combined real guava with the power of ear drops to promote healthy flora in your vagina's gut biome. and get this, it's been tested in a room clearly labeled a laboratory. meow gummy supplements, empower yourself. empower kylie's bank account. also, it's a citibank account. >> whoo! my gosh, so proud of you. >> stop, stop, stop. i'm embarrassed. stop.

leave me alone. stop. whoo. i have to go wow everyone at an authentic italian restaurant with my pronunciation of linguine. so let's wrap it there. when "tooning out the news" returns, "hot take" asks tig notaro whether super bowl ads for electric vehicles give viewers false hope for a future after gambling theirs away. stick around. "tooning out the news" the "tooning out the news" the podcast is available thursdays don't waste your tax refund on something silly.

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chips ahoy -- we think the cookies are pirates. hey, it's host whose marriage dynamic is his wife hitting him with a car a lot, tyler templeton. alongside co-host who has a recurring nightmare where she can't catch a fleeing winona ryder, bonnie davis. co-host who fills the interior of her car with razor wire every time she parks, susan shepherd. and co-host who invented a parachute specifically for frat house floor collapses, austin sparks. ron desantis only drank with those teens to make sure no one got drunk enough to accidentally read toni morrison. this is "hot take." what's up, bare ass on the furniture battalion?

top story -- our nation's perfect spectacle of racism and violence, the super bowl, was tainted on sunday when woke commercials many for godless electric vehicles somehow pirated the broadcast. they completely violated the sanctity of the super bowl ads, which should teach viewers that patriotism and alcoholism go hand in hand. now, let's bring in our guest who got heckled so much as a stand-up comedian that she retreated to a successful tv and movie career, tig notaro. what's up tig? >> oh, just, you know, hanging out. tiggin' it up. >> that is tiggin' awesome. so tig, you're a mississippi born, texas raised coastal elitist. i assume you loved the woke super bowl ads, is that correct? >> oh, gosh, well, you know, i personally am looking at electric vehicles and i'm

curious what the problem is. you really feel strongly that this is not the right decision, for people to be saving our planet? >> look what electricity did to frankenstein. >> those woke ads were an abomination. give me humanoid beer cans smashing into each other, subconsciously signaling to fans that players are garbage to be disposed of. >> you know, at least there were 50 ads for jesus. it's about time he got more attention than all of it. >> moving on, tig, i cannot believe children watched rihanna's performance that conveyed the dangerous idea that women are powerful. shouldn't they have aired a republican rebuttal performance by senator ron johnson? >> i wish i could speak more to this, but i was having a huge super bowl party which i have every year in order to not have to watch the super bowl.

i'm all about women empowerment. i mean, look at me in my flannel shirt and my short hair cut. i don't know if i'm the right person to talk to about this. >> it promoted the idea that pregnant women should put on a big budget super bowl halftime shows outside the home. >> yeah, and i can personally confirm it is just as offensive on full speed, half speed and god forbid .25 speed. >> god forbid. now, moving on to a new thing. tig, you host a podcast called "true story," a documentary podcast featuring you and gregory hines discussing documentaries. we noticed -- >> it's not gregory, no. it's cheryl hines. >> oh, my bad. >> it is cheryl hines. >> that's unfortunate. >> cheryl hines. my bad. well, but we noticed you've overlooked some of the riveting documentaries produced by the "hot take" documentary unit and i'm gonna pitch you some of our work and you tell me if we're gonna make the podcast. okay. are you ready? >> uh-huh. >> first documentary is called

"uncanceling mussolini." >> i don't see -- i don't see that one getting covered. >> okay. what about "dan bonino dreams of sushi"? >> we'll consider that one. >> okay. getting better. well, okay, next up is "geraldo, sort of shuffles around his house." >> we will for sure cover that one. the documentary would have to be footage of geraldo wandering around and then a lot of talking heads discussing him wandering around. >> okay. we can work on that. so far we just snuck into his house and got his shoes kind of scooting. but, well, here's another one. what about this one called "just straight up islam phobia." >> yeah, we're gonna have to cover that. okay. do you know who's in it? >> oh, about a billion people. okay. what about "what if jesus played for the yankees"? >> yes. i think we actually covered that one.

>> and finally, "sperm wars, part nine: the microwave popcorn dilemma." >> hmmm, i've heard this come up a lot. so it seems like the people want to hear that. so yeah, we would do that. >> all right. that's great. you know what, i'm just gonna email you the rest. we make 92 documentaries a week. i got to go shake my head around until that buzzing noise i like comes back. so let's wrap it there. thank you to our guest, tig notaro. thank you, tig. >> thank you for having me. >> thank you so much. she also hosts the podcast "don't ask tig" in which she answers pressing questions like why isn't tyler templeton your sound board happy co-host? now when "tooning out the news" returns, a special valentine's day edition of "i'm not done." stick around. follow "tooning out the follow "tooning out the news" on facebook,

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