as i was saying earlier in the meeting, i think it would... hey sharon, did you know triscuit is crunchy on the outside yet incredibly wholesome on the inside. just like me. you forgot salty. i'm not salty. triscuit. unapologetically wholesome. - and now back to must shit tv, here on hbc. [people screaming] - he is too strong! we cannot fight him without the rune stone!

- my-- my god, sir, what have you unleashed upon the world? - i didn't know. i didn't know! - i--i can't follow this shitty storyline at all. - wait! - oh, boy, that thing has really got sand in its vagina. - the rune stone! face it towards geldan. - [cartman-like voice] ah, dude, lame. lame, bummer, dude. - what a stupid voice. - it's okay. the curse has been lifted. - what? - huh? - yeah, we all gotta make sure it doesn't come back. - you see, we've learned something today. swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems. we're all saying the "s" word too much. - kyle. - look, gerald, kyle's on television. - uh-huh. - the knights of standards and practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. - curse words-- they're called that because they are cursed. we have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances. - and besides, so much use of a dirty word takes away from its impact. we believe in free speech and all that,

but leaving a few words taboo just adds to the fun of english. - so please, everyone, from now on, you've got to try and watch your language. - yeah. [scattered applause] - yeah. - it makes sense. - got that right. - is this still part of the show? - we're sorry, noble knights of standards and practices. from now on, we will obey your laws. - see that you do. - i'm very proud of you, children. let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to. - yeah, and kenny didn't die. - yeah, i didn't-- - holy sh-- poop. - ha, i love you guys. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪

>> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, hasan minhaj! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> hasan: thank you! welcome to "the daily show." i'm hasan minhaj! this is the american dream, baby! worked here five years to substitute teach for a week. we've got so much to talk about, so let's get right to the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] now look, there's so many pressing issues in the world: the war in ukraine. a train derailment in ohio. natural disasters in turkey. but we can't talk about any of that, because apparently, the biggest story in the newspaper

is on the comics page. >> newspapers across the country are dropping the "dilbert" comic strip after scott adams went on a tirade calling black americans a hate group and advising white people to stay away from them. >> referencing a poll from the that indicated 53% of black americans agree with the statement, it's okay to be white. >> if nearly half of all blacks are not okay with white people, that's a hate group. the best advice i would give to white people is to get the hell away from black people. you have to go just get away. you just have to escape. so that's what i did. i went to a neighborhood where, you know, have a very low black population. >> hasan: oh, my god! he just kept going! he is like, black people are hate group. white people should stay away from black people. i stay away from black people. and kanye heard this and was like, whoa, my brother, pace

yourself. by the way, why do you have a podcast? you have one of the most successful comic strips in the world! but he's podcasting at "youtube.com/realcoffeewith scottadams?" like, why? bro, you got rich off doodles, take the w! be happy. the guy who created the cool "s" thing from middle school wishes he could be you! i'm going to be honest with you guys. it has been a minute since we talked, and i have rub shoulders with the illuminati. and i've noticed one thing about a certain type of rich person. when they don't have problems of their own, they have to just make up problems just to make their lives interesting. right, they are just sitting at home in the jacuzzi like, "what if i tweet about trans high school swimmers?"

i can guarantee you, j.k. rowling had zero opinions about trans people when she was on welfare. by the way -- [applause] this is why, i think we need a wealth tax. we need a wealth tax, not for infrastructure, or schools, none of that bernie shit. rich people, this is for your own good. the wealth tax is actually a shot that [bleep] up tax. [cheers and applause] spend more time working, kissing your loved ones! getting groceries. you know, being a normal person. because normal people don't hate black people. we are all too busy hating that one squeaky wheel on the shopping cart. but let's move on to one of great debates of our time. no, i'm not talking about how much cocaine can a bear do. i'm talking about the covid origin debate that is heating up

this week. >> and this just in: an updated classified intel report saying that the u.s. department of energy has assessed that the source of the covid-19 pandemic likely came from a china lab leak. but there is one major caveat: sources at the department of energy tell cnn that the report has, quote, "low confidence." >> hasan: low confidence? how can you conclude something with low confidence? that is not a conclusion. i think the word you are looking for is... guess. by the way, conclusion with low confidence is such a [bleep] boi move. you're dating someone and they go, "babe, what are we?" and you are like, "sarah, i could tell you for sure... i don't know." [laughs] even though they had low confidence, the department of energy came out and said covid was a lab leak.

and now every [bleep] idiot i went to high school with is like "apologize to me right now, hasan, i told you i was right and if your hand is bigger than your face, you are gay!" now to everybody touchdown dancing about this, how long have you been rocking with the department of energy? oh, you've been [bleep] with them since day one? what's your second favorite report from the department of energy? personally, i love their report on "walk-in freezers compliance certification," but hey, that's just me. because i'm a real one. but here's the key detail everybody is forgetting while they got the twitter fingers. the energy department is 1 of 9 intelligence groups that have assessed covid's origin. two have said lab leak, five say it came out of natural causes, and two say they don't know. and you know what? i personally side with them. i don't know what the [bleep] is going on. the fbi says this, the nic says

that, i am holding out until the dmv chimes in. [cheers and applause] all right? now here's the thing i am wondering. why did this whole "lab versus versus red sox of covid of the culture war in the first place? and to me, i think it's because when some people started saying it came from a lab, other people were like, "hey, you can't say the chinese are trying to poison everybody on planet earth, that is racist! you should say that covid came from a wet market where chinese people eat weird animals." but that sounds way more racist! and i say this as a kid who had to eat weird ethnic food in the lunchroom. every day, i would pull out my roti, and everyone would be like "ewww! what is that?" all i wanted was lunchables, but my mom would never buy them.

she be like, "hasan, are you crazy? you want lunchables? those things are made in a lab! and they will kill you!" and she said it with high confidence. [cheers and applause] for more on the lab leak, we turn now to my friend, colleague, and mortal enemy, ronny chieng. ronny! [cheers and applause] thank you for joining us. let's get right into it. where did covid come from? tell us! >> what the [bleep]! how the [bleep] should i know? why are you asking me, by the way? i didn't do it. we could be talking about the debt ceiling, or racist dilbert, but of course, you want to pigeonhole the asian guy to do the covid story. >> hasan: yes, yes, yes, i'm going to pigeonhole you. you want to know why, ronny? because when i was a correspondent, i was pigeonholed! my hole was pigeoned constantly! >> that is disgusting.

>> hasan: yeah, it was. any time there was a subway bombing, they went to the muslim guy, as if i'm on group chat with isis. my most viral clip on this show was a photo of me wearing a hijab next to jon stewart! so yeah, the asian correspondent is gonna cover the asian story. and it has to be funny, and it has to be deemed comedically acceptable by vulture.com. go! >> okay, first of all, [bleep] vulture. all right? second of all, why don't you talk about it? you're the expert in lecturing us about the world despite never having left america! right? and aren't you "asian" too? you talk about it! >> hasan: no, no, you said it yourself, ronny. you said right here on the show that indians, we're not really asians. why don't you roll the tape? >> let's be clear, indians are not asians. okay? okay? i love how indians try to have it both ways. like, being indian and asian. pick a lane. i brought receipts, [bleep]!

>> you keep the receipts in your 50 loaded shoe boxes. yeah, i said it. you didn't have to roll the tape, i'll say it right now. indians are not asians. by the way, i am more than just asian. i also lived in australia. why don't you ask me about kangaroos. >> hasan: fine, tell me about kangaroos. >> there's, like, red ones. and then there's grey ones. and red ones can jump 10 feet high, and they have claws that can rip your dick off through your jeans. >> hasan: no one gives a shit about kangaroos. stop talking like an angry snapple cap! you don't get to decide what is on the show, ronny, i am the boss, i decide, ronny. >> what do you decide? you are a guest host. you are a guest in my house. i am not the token asian guy. i am in movies now. i was in "megan." [applause] >> hasan: oh oh, you were in the movie "macon" in theaters right now? what was your role? >> i played the token asian guy at the tech company!

>> but it was satire! that was satire! >> hasan: i could have sworn that i am your boss right now because it says my name on the desk. it says "the daily show" with hasan minhaj, by the way, that is my real name, ronnie chang. >> that is also my real name. it is on my birth certificate. a name that you refuse to spell phonetically and then when you everyone pronounces it, you cry to ellen? and they called me hasan! i am so oppressed! >> hasan: you, bye-bye, ronny, express emotion. i showed some vulnerability come on you. i showed some other emotion besides anger, something you might not be familiar with. >> i know you know about anger. you love a job where you can reach about evil corporations in america but as soon as the nba reaches out with a celebrity all-star game, you jump at the chance to score zero points! zero-point!

>> hasan: ronny, stop this. stop this! [bleep] stop it right now! we can't be fighting like this. there is white people here. how are we going to stop asian hate if we hate each other? >> you are right. i am sorry. i am lashing out because i actually love "the daily show" and i'm scared you are going to get it canceled like your netflix show, whatever it was called. >> hasan: it was called "patriot act." >> it doesn't matter because despite our differences, you are right, we do have a bigger responsibility to the asians and the asians. because when we fight, the white people win. and we can't have that. >> exactly. got to bring the segment home. so let's each say something nice about each other and show some emotional growth. >> are you serious? >> hasan: i am dead serious. >> [bleep].

all right. hasan, you are good at managing hair. >> thank you. >> your energy is not always annoying. and, you know, i have seen you at "the daily show" grow to become this force of nature, and i am actually really happy that you are hosting this week. like, it's really -- shut up, everybody! shut up! >> hasan: thank you, ronny. i just want to say... i want to take this moment to tell you -- we are out of time. ronny chieng, everybody! when we come back from everybody, i'm going back to school, so don't go away! [cheers and applause]

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>> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, we live in a polarized era where nobody wants to sit down and have a conversation. well, i did, with some very and i regretted it. take a look. >> as the culture wars with your america, one thing that always comes up is the children. >> we have one job come and let us protect our children. >> protecting children from indoctrination, critical race theory. >> banning books, especially these books, endangers our children. >> hasan: but as the father of a child about to start school, i wanted to know about how they felt about the culture wars, and more importantly, i loki wanted to know if they thought i was cool. instead of tweeting about the kids, i decided to talk to them. >> i don't know if you know this but i'm a little bit older, and -- [laughter] okay. there's a lot of stuff that i am not aware of. so i'm going to name something and you tell me what you think about it.

♪ ♪ >> hasan: adults are arguing a lot right now about what you should be learning, what subjects you should be taught, what books you should be reading. but we never ask you. how do you feel about school? what are your favorite books? what books are you reading right now? >> i love racial justice books because i feel like i can relate to that. "they hate you give," or "blended." >> hasan: how do you feel about people wanting to ban those books? >> not good. i feel like -- this is what is happening in the world right now. like, racial injustice is happening right now and these books are about racial injustice so i think we need to learn about it if they want to do something about it. >> hasan: do you feel like your teachers are trying to indoctrinate you? >> no. >> hasan: do you know what the word "indoctrinate" means? [laughter] >> no. ♪ ♪ >> hasan: let's talk about this. thoughts on the president and the current administration? >> i think it is good. yeah, i like it. >> i feel like he is a lot better than trump in my opinion. >> hasan: sure. >> i feel like he is not the

best president, there have been better presidents but he's a big step above the trump. >> hasan: what about this era feels different from other presidential? >> he is definitely older than other presidents. >> hasan: how old is too old to be president? >> too old to be president is an age where you are scared that you might not live to see the next day, because a country is depending on you to run them, as long as you don't have any, like, mental health problems, like, say, you have dementia and you are sort of losing your memory a little bit. and people with dementia, they are perfectly good people, but they are probably not the best kind of person to run a country, because they might not remember everything. >> hasan: yeah, you are describing what joseph r. biden is going through right now. but despite their scathing ages and, what surprised me as the kids i am talk to are not steeped in the culture war like the adults. they are too busy trying to

figure out how to be adults. ♪ ♪ >> hasan: this is something that a lot of men in their 30s don't talk about. feelings. how do you process things when you're sad or angry? i kind of keep feelings, like, they come in, and they always sink, so they are never going to apologize. >> you want to be right and sometimes you are not right. you just can't say sorry sometimes. >> hasan: but if parents are sorry, that means, parents and children are equal. but you can't have that. >> you can't? >> hasan: [axios] are the things that adults tell you that you are like, no way, i don't believe that? >> sometimes, when they said something when i was younger, i thought they were longing. >> hasan: like what? what did they say to you? >> if they cross my eyes, it will get stuck. >> hasan: i used to do it as a joke. and they said, your eyes will get stuck that way.

>> is that not true? i thought it would actually happen. >> has any of your parents ever told you that when you turn the car light on that it's illegal to leave it on? >> yeah! >> i found out it's not illegal. >> hasan: how did you found out? >> i found out on youtube. i was like, what the heck? >> hasan: this talk about social media. are we on social media, tiktok, instagram, facebook, twitter? >> if you like twitter is for old people. you know how facebook died, twitter is kind of like dying. >> my dad is obsessed with twitter. >> hasan: do you think twitter is good for him? >> maybe a little less would be good. but i don't think it is getting out of hand. >> hasan: got. do you want to join twitter based on the way your dad uses a question mark >> not really come i don't have months interest in social media. >> hasan: are your parents on the phone too much? >> my dad always says i'm on the phone too much whatever time i look at him, he is always on slack or something. i just want to tell them to get off your phone, dad. >> hasan: get off your chest.

this is your chance to tell us off. go to that camera and just tell them what's up. >> get off your phone, dad. you need to maintain a better work-life balance. >> hasan: you heard him, parents. stop watching this on your phone and go hang out with your kids. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: all right, stay tuned because when we come back, the one and only giannis antetokoumpo will be joining me on "the daily show." so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an nba champion, defensive player of the year, and two-time league mvp. but you may know him as the "greek freak." please give it up for giannis antetokounmpo! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

thank you for coming. [cheers and applause] oh, man! whoo! this is nice. look at that! >> is this coffee? >> hasan: little bit of coffee or water, something like that. how are you doing, man? >> i'm good. >> hasan: thanks for coming to new york. >> thank you, thank you for having me. >> hasan: now i should be calling you head coach. you coached me in the -- >> i am the coach, yeah. you had, like, zero points. >> hasan: yeah. >> but your defense, your energy was great. you were a great teammate. >> hasan: listen, man, how is the knee feeling? >> i feel no pain. i am good, man. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: you here are in new york because obviously, we're here to talk about an amazing foundation that you have. and one of the things you are so proud to share with the world is how much you love your family.

>> i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't be in this position today without my family. without the sacrifices that my parents made every single day to provide for us, to put us in a position to have the opportunity to go out there and accomplish our dreams and goals in life, you know, i wouldn't be here without them. and obviously, it has been six years now, 2017, six years that my dad has passed away. it has been in honor of him and as i have said in the past, i have said a lot of times, he had no money. he was poor. he came from nigeria to have a better life. and we were his legacy. you know, and i could feel growing up, he was the richest person in the neighborhood, because he always felt it was because he had us. so we decided as family to come together and build this foundation to basically just do

what people did for us. you know, just put our hand out there and give an opportunity to be great in whatever they decide to do, and kind of help them, be there for them to go out there and accomplish their dreams, do what i did. >> hasan: that is a beautiful thing, man. it is the charles antetokounmpo family foundation. one of the things i love about you, man, and the reason i wanted to bring you on the show to plug the foundation, is your humility. you know, you are obviously one of the biggest superstars in the world. now i know, talking trash is in your strength. it's my strength. >> so you do it for me? >> hasan: so i wrote you some trash talk right here to some of the top players in the league and i want you to go to camera 3 right now. talk that [bleep] talk! [cheers and applause] let's go! let's go headhunting, giannis!

>> okay. listen, luka... >> hasan: yeah. >> even though you are running with kyrie, and you have all of your team, i am coming for you guys! [cheers and applause] i can't say this. [laughter] >> hasan: no! >> i can't say it. >> hasan: give the people what they want, giannis! [cheers and applause] let's do this! >> hasan: i will do it. i will be your shit talk translator. let's do this. get it on me, let's go. yeah. bro! what's up, luka? even though you are running with kyrie, the scouting report is out on you. you you've got sausage arms and cankles. my man, for a dude from slovenia, you sure look like a dude from alabama. and you are going to get this work in the postseason. that is what you gotta say! okay, okay, fine, fine. he likes luka, he respects his

game. do that lebron one and we will get out of here. make this one count! >> lebron, i love your game, man. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: no, no. [laughs] what is this? >> i love your game. you are the king for a reason. goat, just broke the all-time scoring record. keep doing what you are doing, man. he is a blueprint. you are a blueprint, man. >> hasan: oh, my god! [laughter] all right, listen, man. everybody we talked about in the nba, please, don't come kill me. [laughter] giannis, this is what we love most about you, man, in all seriousness. thank you so much for the work you are doing in the league. you are setting such a good image for kids around the world. i am so honored that i've gotten a chance to get to know you, and i can't wait to see all the amazing work you are going to do for the charles antetokounmpo foundation.

[cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] giannis antetokounmpo, everybody! okay. we are going to take a quick break and we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪