we knocked butters' eye out with weapons? - just run with it, dude. - uh, yeah, i agree. uh, my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what i was seeing. cartman should be punished. - yeah! - that's right! - hey, [bleep] you, kyle. - dude, i can't believe it. - yeah, i guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about. - so i guess this means we get to keep our weapons. - yeah. come on, ninjas. we've got some more work to do. all: hi-ya! - ♪ hey, hey, let's go kenka suru ♪ ♪ taisetsu no mono protect my balls ♪ ♪ boku ga warui so let's fighting ♪ ♪ let's fighting love ♪ ♪ let's fighting love ♪ ♪ kono uta chotto baka ♪

♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, hasan minhaj! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> hasan: hey, everybody! i'm hasan minhaj! and i'm on day two of hosting "the daily show!" i am back, baby! [cheers and applause] settled in, in. listen, it's days like today that i remember what my old boss jon stewart used to say to me: "hasan, please stop name-dropping me when you tell stories." miss you, j-stew. we've got a lot to talk about tonight, so let's get into headlines!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with tiktok, it's the app that's taught me how to make spaghetti in a washing machine, but it also gave me adult adhd. look at my pen. isn't this cool? focus, focus. but if you work for the government, your tiktok days are numbered. because the white house just announced that federal agencies have 30 days to the to delete tiktok from all government phones. [boos] that's right. president joseph r boehner keller thinks that china could spy on us but that is stupid because they use balloons now, joseph. and you know what? trying also thinks this man is stupid. >> a chinese official is responding to this move this morning saying, quote, "as the world's most powerful country, the u.s. needs to be more self-confident instead of being so afraid of an app loved by young people." >> hasan: okay, china.

are you trying to press me? oh, you think america isn't self-confident? we call our national champions world champions! [cheers and applause] listen, we called dibs on the moon. that is our moon. we invaded the wrong country and stayed there for 20 years. you think we don't have the self-confidence to just mindlessly stare at my phone? i will do it right now, china. i will give my soul to this thing. [bleep] adhd. [bleep] adhd. but seriously. do you want to know how i know that china is really playing us? china doesn't use the same tiktok. chinese tiktok has a time limit for kids, it is capped at 40 minutes, because china is smart enough to follow the fourth rule of the 10 crack commandments. never get high on your own supply. [applause] but listen up, because biden

isn't just moving against tiktok. he is also trying to kill student at. today, the supreme court heard arguments about whether canceling student debt was legal. now you know this issue. there's basically two camps, right? there is one group that says, let's go a clear history on everybody's student debt. right. but do think about that? [cheers and applause] don't do that. just to be clear, i'm not paying your student loan debt. i am hasan minhaj, i am not opera. per than there is another group of kirkland signature guys going, hey, i had to work 30 hours a day to pay off my student death. i got [bleep] by life and so should you, kids. and dads, i hear you. no one should be happy. but i promise you, even if student debt gets canceled, life is going to curb stomp your kids anyway. they are already [bleep], they don't have health insurance, they're not going to be able to buy at house and at some point, they will run out of clean

water. don't worry, boomers. you will get what you always wanted. vengeance on your own children. [applause] now the real story that i want to talk about is all the drama in news media. apparently everyone at "gma" is [bleep] the same guy, but these days, the most scandalous place in tv news is fox news. you're probably thinking, fox news? oh, shit, they are still out here a smashing the streets. calling women hags. nope! those days are over. they are dealing with this. cumbersome, ugly hardware. these are voting machines made by dominion, who no one had ever heard of until fox put them at the center of a mass conspiracy. fox said dominion stole the election with these r2-d2 looking janitor carts. and now, dominion is suing fox

for $1.6 billion, and the lawsuit is airing out rupert murdoch's dirty laundry. >> there is breaking news tonight, acknowledging under oath that fox news hosts endorsed false election fraud claims. >> it's a candid admission from fox news boss rupert murdoch about how his network handled donald trump's lie about the 2020 election. murdoch acknowledging "some of our commentators were endorsing false claims that the election was somehow stolen from former president trump." >> explosive newly revealed testimony in the dominion voting systems law should. >> shocking new revelations. new bombshell admissions. >> hasan: is it a bombshell? is it shocking? is it? is it explosive? fox or the election wasn't stolen but they said it anyways? that is not shocking. if brian kilmeade ever completed a wordle, that would be shocking. [applause] now i'm not shocked but i will

say, i am very entertained. because of this lawsuit come a bunch of fox news hosts had to release their text messages, and y'all know this -- yeah, no, you know this, there is linkedin you, and then there is imessage you. that is a deep, dark underbelly of who you are, and boy, oh, boy, were these imessage were good. >> new court filings show that in private, fox hosts tucker carlson, laura ingraham, and sean hannity were brutally ridiculing the claims of election fraud and the people who were making them. >> top fox hosts privately trashed the trump legal team for lying. as tucker carlson texted laura ingraham, "sidney powell is lying, it's insane." ingraham responded, "sidney is a complete nut." >> tucker carlson referred to donald trump as "a demonic force." >> the private mockery also targeted trump lawyer rudy giuliani. sean hannity wrote giuliani is "acting like an insane person," while ingraham remarked "such an

idiot." >> hasan: oh, my god! do you realize what this means? these people are secretly sane. they also don't respect anyone they have on their show. these guys are texting each other all day about how bullshit fox news is. their group chat is basically msnbc. but of everything we learned out of fox news, there was one text that came out a discovery that truly freaked me out. it is when tucker carlson said fox news had to be more supportive of donald trump selection claims. >> tucker carlson wrote his producer alex pfeiffer: "do the executives understand how much credibility and trust we have lost with our audience? we're playing with fire for real. an alternative like newsmax could be devastating to us." >> hasan: do you understand what he's saying here?

he's saying, "if i don't say this bullshit, my viewers will leave me." this whole time, we thought fox news was manipulating its viewers. but it turns out, the viewers manipulating fox news. so just think of it like this. tucker carlson is a moral vacuum. a hole, if you will. who glorifies election deniers. so, a glory hole. and his viewers expect him to please them with his mouth. and he's constantly terrified that they'll find a new more satisfying glory hole, and that's why tucker carlson will never gonna stop sucking. for more on these revealing texts, we turn to a man i have known for years, my good friend michael kosta. [cheers and applause]

michael! so good to see you, michael kosta. let's talk about this. these text messages, they are devastating for fox, right? >> absolutely, they're so embarrassing. i mean, being caught texting with your coworkers, how humiliating! you know, what kind of losers have friends at work? >> hasan: i thought we were friends. >> and that's what's especially embarrassing for these hosts is that they could have avoided all of this, just by not giving their phones to the court. the court won't know about your embarrassing texts if you don't give them your texts. duh! >> hasan: no, they didn't give them their texts. they were forced to turn them over with a subpoena. >> what? >> hasan: yeah, yeah, michael, a court can force you to hand over your text messages. >> no. no, no, no, no, no. texts are private. >> hasan: no, they're not. you can get them through a legal

process called -- oh, my god, let's focus. listen. let me ask you this. do you think this lawsuit will finally end the election fraud claims once and for all? >> i guess, it depends -- so, wait, so you're saying if somebody, hypothetically, was running a slip-and-fall insurance scam with my grandma and her roommate at the nursing home -- >> hasan: what? >> a court could get those text messages? >> hasan: yeah, easily. and that would be really incriminating. >> okay, well... maybe the blue bubbles, but not the green, right? because beatrice is on android and is just too set in her ways to switch. >> hasan: they can get every color bubble, michael. are you my [bleep] dad? >> jesus christ. >> hasan: back to fox news. a financial loss is one thing, but a loss of integrity in journalism will damage the entire -- what are you doing? >> just clearing some space on my phone. deleting texts. >> hasan: deleting texts won't

work. a court can just get them from the cloud. >> it is password-protected, password-protected. >> hasan: is your password 1111? >> oh, my god. they are going to know everything. they're gonna flip beatrice for sure. "nana, you have to smother beatrice. do it with the pillow that says "bless this mess." >> hasan: kosta, are you texting a murder plan? >> no, hasan, i'm not stupid! i'm emailing her, it's a totally different app. >> hasan: they can still do it! >> boom, boom. good luck nabbing me now, federales. talk to my lawyer, poland spring! hey, would you mind calling me an uber? >> hasan: what's your address? >> panama. >> hasan: michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, i'm going full hater on tech. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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and tax season feels just as good as all those other seasons. like wedding season. i w-2 you. taxes. ♪♪ file from anywhere with the expertise of an h&r block tax pro. i screwed up. file from anywhere with the expertise mhm. i got us t-mobile home internet. now cell phone users have priority over us. and your marriage survived that? you can almost feel the drag when people walk by with their phones. oh i can't hear you... you're froze-- ladies, please! you put it on airplane mode when you pass our house. i was trying to work. we're workin' it too. yeah! work it girl! woo! i want to hear you say it out loud. well, i could switch us to xfinity. those smiles. that's why i do what i do. that and the paycheck.

[group laughing]

admit it. you use my old spice body wash. i'm not letting hotel soap. near my skin. it's the lavender and mint for me. let me get that, savannah, if you don't get your moisturized hands off my body wash. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." if you're like me, your life is both owned and ruined by technology. so i went to talk to someone about how to break free from it.

>> hasan: even though i've made a career of standing in front of screens and flailing my arms, i have a secret to tell all of you: i hate technology. every new gizmo and gadget claims to be highly useful and easy to use, but if that were true, then why are we so frustrated by technology all the god damn time? i decided to sit down with marques brownlee, a.k.a. fkbhd, who has been heralded, begging us videos of the new high tech of shit. could he convince me to join is called? you are like the kim kardashian of technology. you do have a lot of junk in your trunk to review. >> has that been said? or are you just -- >> hasan: i am proposing that. >> i like that. when you have dedicated your life to reviewing techn technology. why? >> there is a quote, you probably heard, "any sufficiently advanced technology is interesting washable from

magic." if you have a certain expectation and the tech actually gives you that output you expect, that working, i love that. >> hasan: and what does or doesn't work, what is a file like questioning >> incredibly frustrating. >> hasan: to me, arms again above a nation to society. my brain is melting because i have to juggle 100 apps just to communicate with eight people. when i was in college, there were three ways to get a hold of people. call me if you are confident. text me if you are shy. email me if you are smart. now, it is 100 apps. imessage, france, android, annoying friends, signal, pretentious college friends, what's up, annoying family members, instagram tms, randles, psychos, paperless post, liberal psychos, that is just messaging, marques. >> you do have the option to not try any of the things you don't want to. >> hasan: until i go to a restaurant? you go, hey, can i get a menu? they go, scan the qr code.

no, i went to this restaurant to avoid being on my phone and they are like, oh, you have to also pay through your phone. in order to do that, you have to create a username and password. >> okay, so -- >> hasan: you hear what i'm saying? you just made this come i will have the tuna melt, six steps harder. >> there is a goldilocks of going a little bit into tech and seeing a real benefit before going too far, but we got to try a whole bunch of bad ideas before we find one or two cool things hasan might like. >> hasan: marques wanted to prove to me that tech could be useful and user-friendly, like doing what he is known for, a product demo. secretly, i suspected it was turned into an episode of "this shit doesn't work." these new tech and hence products were a smart toothbrush, smart cover she was, and a smart printer. and of course, all of these were supposed to be as easy as one, two, three. let's see. >> slightly forward to go backwards, and set off to get off. >> okay.

>> smart toothbrush come a ton of centers, might be able to shed some light on something you can do better. >> hasan: let's see how easy it is. it is writing you how easy it is. plug it in right here? >> yes. >> hasan: this is it? >> you. >> hasan: back to the future. twisting in. open up. >> somewhere -- there we go, a tab. >> hasan: the stickers as effortless. >> how was it going? >> hasan: why is it possessed? >> connect this to the app. >> hasan: the problem is, i don't want my dentist to have more info about me because i haven't been brushing the full happy birthday. it says, do not turn the power off until initialization is complete, this takes about 6 minutes. what are we supposed to do for ? where do i apply? if i apply here -- >> that should make an account. you do have to type a wi-fi

password. there is your keyboard. [laughs] by the way, capitals -- >> hasan: marques! i have to switch between uppercase and lowercase. up or down. you are going to use your full government name? >> i would do exactly what it asks. password. >> hasan: then you straighten your feet? >> how do you feel? >> hasan: i feel like a baby giraffe. >> a password again. >> hasan: can you sign in? >> unable to register user. >> hasan: this is what i'm saying! try again. doesn't work. you not come on man? [bleep]. it is not your thing, it is my thing. try one more time, their time? login fail! ladies and gentlemen, let's have our final product, shall we? >> i mean -- >> hasan: this shit doesn't work! it doesn't work! >> it didn't work. >> hasan: i feel like i just proved to marques at his entire

life was a lie. but he had a slightly different perspective. >> the goal of tech is really to just work every time and be as easy as possible. so i would just say, to have patience with the things that don't work yet, because maybe they will soon. >> hasan: so maybe the rate of this shitty modern technology is to become more patient and understanding users. [screaming] why can't you work? [screaming] open cam. close, you can! close! this shit doesn't work! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> hasan: thank you, marques. all right, stay tuned because when we come back, rebel wilson will be joining me on the show. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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look at these mighty quaker oats... heart-healthy, a good source of fiber, and for only cents per day... there's no denying quaker oats are the grain of all time. quaker oats. a super-trusted superfood. >> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor you may know from "bridesmaids" and "pitch perfect." she's here to talk about the new dating app she recently launched called fluid. please welcome rebel wilson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ good to see you. [cheers and applause] [laughs]

whoa. >> yes, i am spreading fluid in america. >> hasan: they love you, rebel. >> hi, guys! [cheers and applause] >> hasan: congratulations. you got engaged at disneyland. >> yes, i got engaged at disneyland. the happiest proposal place on earth. yeah, so basically, like, it's not like i'm obsessed with disneyland, it's just, i go there every weekend. >> hasan: oh, my god. >> like, every important holiday and every important life event. so i did actually get to sleep inside disneyland for my 40th birthday. i got to sleep overnight and i got those little disability scooters, went around, just by myself. [laughter] >> hasan: wow. >> cruising around. >> hasan: why sleep in an empty theme park? that is a horror movie. >> it was really fun. it was really fun.

i tried to break into the churros thing but i couldn't get that many, it was fun. >> hasan: i want to talk to you about this amazing dating app you have called fluid. >> thank you. it's new. none of the dating apps have thought of it and i was like, i thought of it, trademark that shit. yeah, it is called fluid. basically, i wasn't so lucky in love, i was kind of a late bloomer, and when you join a dating app, which i did, this one called raya and you had to label yourself and label what you are interested in. and to me, i was kind of like, it felt really weird to take a box and say yes, i am that, and so i wanted to create a dating app where you don't have to label yourself. love without labels. and to me, it is really important because i think sexuality is so much more nuanced and complex than just labeling yourself, like you are a can of food or something. >> hasan: i was pre dating apps. >> you've never been on one? >> hasan: no.

old-school chivalry. my move was, in college with my wife, i basically just went to the registrar's office, and took all of the classes she was taking. until she broke up with her boyfriend. the question i have for you is, what is an instant red flag for a dating profile? >> okay. there are some things. a man holding a fish. >> hasan: [laughs] what? [applause] why? what if he loves nature? >> no. there is something weird about it. and also, girl on a horse. no. horse girls -- >> hasan: what about machu picchu guy? i have a lot of guy friends who are like, sunglasses, machu picchu. >> what is machu picchu? >> hasan: it is in peru. >> near the pyramids or something? >> hasan: kind of like -- it is in egypt. but it is, it is like a civilization built into a

mountain but they will be at the top of it and they are like, "i am mike." sunglasses. >> they are saying they have climbed this and they might climb you? >> hasan: i think they are -- well, okay. >> that could be hot. >> hasan: i think it is more like, i am all traveled. >> oh, yeah, okay, yeah. >> hasan: obviously, you founded this amazing app, and -- >> not many females in tech. i was like, let get in there. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: how do you think this app would have changed your life five years ago? >> i think it would have -- i was someone who, like, i was kind of dating guys but i didn't think i was 100% straight, but i just grew up in a very conservative christian background, so i never quite explored that area. yeah, so i kind of wish it was around earlier and that is why i wanted to make it and put it out there and have it be a free app that people could download and hopefully it will help lots of people find love. and you could be totally straight on it, you could be

gay, in any of the intersectional queerness that is out there. and find love on this. it widens the dating pool. and it might be someone who you are interested in and the algorithm will learn to not send you too many of those. they might show you a wild card. it is like when you're shopping for a cheesecake and you might not know what flavor you want until you see it in front of you. >> hasan: right. >> and then, yeah. [cheers and applause] and then you would like, oh, yeah, that is tasty. >> hasan: that is amazing. everyone, please be sure to check out the fluid dating app. rebel wilson, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> hasan: this was really great. okay! we are going to take a quick break but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] rebel wilson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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so is this stuff really fresh? yes. i mean yeah, we don't have, freezers... this is definitely real food and we always have fresh stuff coming in. i mean this is the best guac that you can get. fresh is what you stand for. definitely. i would totally (bleep) me. but i'd also make myself take prep first. listen up. i prep for my community. i prep for my partner. i prep because it's easy. i prep because i'm easy. who you calling easy? prep is for anyone sexually active. anyone. and i prep with q care plus. q care plus has my back. with virtual provider visits. convenient labs. and medication delivered discreetly. shouldn't getting prep to your door be as easy as getting anything? q care plus is prep made easy. get your prep at qcareplus.com have an h&r block tax pro do your taxes online, and tax season feels just as good

as all those other seasons. like wedding season. i w-2 you. taxes. ♪♪ file from anywhere with the expertise of an h&r block tax pro. ♪♪ i'm not looking for another job. i'm looking for the right culture. somewhere that has that certain something, that isn't listed in the job description. even though it should be. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> hasan: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: please consider supporting vituity cares. they're a organization that fights health inequality by caring for our most vulnerable communities. if you want to support them in their work, please donate at the link below. now here it is. your "moment of zen."

>> every once in a while, a revolutionary product comes along that changes everything. >> the greatest advance from television since color television itself. >> microwave cooking units are indeed revolutionary. >> sony walkman is a tiny stereo cassette player with truly incredible sound. >> everything you ever thought possible and impossible in a home computer. >> why is everyone so excited about motorola cellular phone? >> i can't even see the battery. >> what other phone can you wear like this? captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪