- let's get you two up to the clinic, and i'll change you back for a nominal fee. - but what about mr. garrison? he can't go back. - you know what, i'm okay. even though i'm not truly a woman, i think i still like the new me. i'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. hey, guys! this girl is staying a woman. who wants to pound my vag? girl power. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with

your host, hasan minhaj! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> hasan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, hasan minhaj! nice to see you! yes! by the way, listen, it is night three for me behind the desk, and i got to say, it's been so great this week catching up with old friends and also, ronny chieng. but we've got a great show for you tonight, so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's start off with mcdonald's. the only thing that's invaded more countries than america. >> some mcdonald's franchisees are pushing back against an ad campaign called famous orders,

which lets famous people like cardi b create new menu items. some restaurant owners worry the cardi b promotion is not compatible with their decades long history as a family friendly restaurant. one franchisee in san jose he was participating said, the fact that we can't talk about the song we are objecting to, because we can't use the title -- >> says something. >> says something. >> hasan: hold on. do these guys have a problem with "wap"? cause you know every burger comes with wet ass pickles. this is a normal thing! so don't take the moral high ground. not to mention, mickey d's, one of your mascots is a burglar, and the other one is a purple butt plug. and you're worried about cardi b? all right. let's m move on to our big story tonight. the train derailment in east

palestine. yeah, sad, very sad. but today, a bipartisan group of senators introduced safety legislation to, you know, actually try to solve the problem. which is so refreshing, because for the past three weeks, all we've heard is pundits and politicians playing the blame game. >> but where's president biden? instead of going to ohio, president biden is heading home to delaware to relax after his big ukraine trip. >> we're here because of all the deregulation of the train industry during the trump administration. >> joe biden will probably never visit. you know, he doesn't seem to care what's happening in ohio. >> pete buttigieg is a disgrace. >> it was him! it was donald trump and his administration. >> i think the people in east palestine, ohio, should put ukraine flags in their yard and maybe biden would pay attention. >> hasan: okay, all of you shut up! wait! this feels like watching my parents fight in the kitchen and they're both being idiots for different reasons.

listen, republicans, listen to me, you guys love the regulation but suddenly you now care about rail safety? ironic. also, you really think joe biden taking a tragedy self he would make the situation any better? democrats, listen to me, as of now, march 1st, there's zero indication that trump's policies caused this whole derailment. so you cannot touch down dance but also, what the [bleep] are you guys doing? how do you fumble the optics game every time? why didn't you send joe biden to take a tragedy self he? even a moron like donald trump managed to do it. trump pulled up to mcdonald's and started handing out hats and happy meals. democrats, you waited two weeks -- three weeks and then sent pete buttigieg dressed like bob the builder? he's the 12th man on your depth chart, send kamala! what the [bleep] is she doing? we want to see her, for proof of

existence! kamala, take an instagram reel of you feeding an appalachian kid. easy! now here's the real issue! nobody should be trying to win a train derailment. okay? we had about five seconds of empathy before this whole thing turned into another partisan prize fight. it's almost like everyone in politics and the media said: "hey... how will people have empathy if we don't tell them who to blame?" you know, you don't always have to find a villain, because the truth is much like me. it's not always black-and-white. [applause] for more on the partisan fallout from train derailment, let's turn to dulce sloan. dulce! [cheers and applause] >> hi!

>> hasan: dulce, they love you. [laughter] >> hi, friend! >> hasan: but don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible? >> actually, i don't think it's gone far enough. there's a lot more blame to go around. people are blaming democrats and republicans, but we're not blaming the real villain. >> hasan: you're so right. it's our own inability to empathize. >> no, dumb dumb! we got to blame the trains. >> hasan: what? >> thomas and the rest of the [bleep]. >> hasan: thomas? >> we don't need them! listen, a train is just a bus that can go less places. they don't even look good. it's just watching a bunch of little cars sniffing each other's butts. >> hasan: that is a horrifying image. >> it absolutely is.

>> hasan: you can't just blame trains as a whole. >> yes, we can. i also blame the inventor. british engineer george stephenson. you think you can get away with this? inventing the locomotive in 1804? no, sir! we're digging up your ass and kicking it all over the cemetery. all right? revenge! revenge! [cheers and applause] >> hasan: what is going on? dulce you are reaching here to find anyone to blame. >> oh. you are getting awful defensive, hasan. >> hasan: no, i am not. >> maybe you had something to do it this. where were you with the derailment happened? >> hasan: i was doing comedy. >> "doing comedy." you were somewhere making people laugh at the joke jokes? can you believe this man? he was making jokes at a time of

national tragedy! how dare you! is that why you came here? hasan, don't be shy. listen, i want everyone to acknowledge this brown man! >> hasan: oh, my god! >> this muslim man, this brown muslim man is responsible for that train jumping up their tracks. >> hasan: no! no! >> everyone, boo hasan! [boos] >> hasan: stop! stop, stop! you are doing this right now. you are getting everyone worked up. this is how the whole thing's work. the media machine, you are smelling blood and you are getting them to [bleep] pounce on me. why are you doing this? >> because! blaming feels great. [laughs] it's the best way to solve any problem. see, when you blame someone, you don't have take any action. there's no need to reflect. you simply ask the question, who's responsible?

whose fault is this? and it doesn't matter who it is, because the important thing is, it ain't me! [cheers and applause] so, hasan, apologize. do you want hasan to apologize? [cheers and applause] apologized to them good people, the american people! about derailing a train in ohio. >> hasan: okay, america, i'm sorry for being responsible for the train derailment in east palestine. >> i don't know. it felt forced. >> hasan: it was forced! >> and that's the problem.

because you -- you need to take responsibility. >> hasan: you know what? thank you so much, dulce. i take responsibility. all right, when we come back, i'm going to finally solve my twitter addiction. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] (music) up top by the hogan ♪♪ woah (sfx) car racing -final boarding flight to wait... is that a phone?

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[cheers and applause] >> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." tonight, i want to share something that it's been on my mind. -- that has been on my mind. let me ask you guys a question: who here is on twitter? [cheers and applause] that is too many people. the guy who said no, that is a normal person right there. i trust you. by now, you probably know

elon musk recently bought twitter for $44 billion. yeah. and since his takeover, all i see on twitter is, "twitter sucks." "we should leave twitter." "elon ruin twitter." but here's the thing, guys. elon didn't make twitter terrible. twitter has been terrible for years. [cheers and applause] because of us! you can't dunk on elon. it is us! twitter is the shittiest platform on planet earth. it's worse than tinder, and tinder gives you genital herpes. but as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves! "oh, but hasan, i can't leave twitter, it's the digital town square." no, it's not. twitter is not a town square. it's times square. have you been to times square?

it's [bleep] terrifying. you got the m&m store, mexican elmo, a guy masturbating, ads for draftkings.com. i'm like, "can someone please out of this hell?" stab me in the eye and take me out of this hell?" "but hasan, we have to stay to be part of the discourse." fine, let's talk about discourse. has twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? is someone like, "you know, i used to think canceling student debt was a bad idea. but it makes a lot more sense with hand-clap emojis." oh, you think we're gonna convince florida's government to stop banning books with a thread? "here's a thread." they've already made it pretty clear: they're not big on reading. "but hasan, hasan, no, no, i

can't leave twitter! everybody is on twitter!" no, they're not! only a small minority of dorks even use twitter! yeah, by the way, by the way, only 10% of those dorks create 80% of the content. it's a minority of a minority. there are more country music star is named luke then people who tweet! it just feels like everyone is on it because the news media is on it. putts so journalists see the three people tweet about it and they say, everyone is tweeting about. who is everybody? ball sack 79 is everyone? but they go, quote-tweet, quote-tweet, quote-tweet, quote-tweet, "this! this! this!" but "this" was nothing! this was not discourse! this was three people!

now to the people that gave it up, people who are like "i used twitter," i will give you this, twitter has been helpful for boosting the me-too movement and spotlighting police brutality. but it has to be used in dire circumstances. that should be the captcha for twitter. when you log in, it shouldn't ask you to pick three stop lights. it should then ask you: "are you reporting a natural disaster? an authoritarian government? whistle-blowing? harassment by the police? or are you defending beyonce?" then, and only then, should you get to tweet. [cheers and applause] outside of that, what the [bleep] is upside? why should you tweet? why should i tweet? think about the process. you share your opinion, you argue with people, then potentially lose your job. that is if you are civilian or a

celebrity. it is a platform with no dialogue. no grace. no forgiveness. it's all isis beheadings and clout. and the only thing worse than twitter's features are its users. not the lurkers, lurkers, we're normal. i'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline, the amount of these psychos tweet is on another level. george takei has tweeted 103,000 times since he joined! that comes out to 23 tweets a day. george, you can have opinions, but i shouldn't be able to set my watch to them. dude, mike cernovich has tweeted 200,000 times! that's 48 tweets a day. how the [bleep] do you have that many opinions?

i am a guy and i only have two opinions! i love the sacramento kings and real talk, aaa has kind of fallen off. that's it! wajahta ali is a friend of mine and a writer for "the new york times." brag. wajahat has tweeted 185,200 times. wajahat, i have a message from your family. "we miss you, dad. look up." i don't care what side of the aisle you're on. put the crack pipe down. and leave twitter like you said you would! what happened to the mass exodus when elon took over? i thought you were all going to twitter canada: mastadon. "find me on mastodon. you can catch me on mastodon." you [bleep] cowards. and for the people who think it still has value, you're wrong. you know this, deep down.

you [bleep] feel it here! you bitch about elon all the time, but you won't quit! you don't even have the willpower to live up to your own values. you don't give a [bleep] about your values! you don't give a [bleep]! you care more about your brand then progress! you don't want to write on twitter. you want to write on "succession," but you are not talented to write enough for "succession" and neither am i! i want out of the media grip! i want my mind back! i [bleep] hate this place! i hate twitter! i want out! i want out! give me my mind back! free my mind! please! help! what am i doing? what am i doing? my daughter is here! what am i doing? oh, my god. i am the living embodiment of

twitter. i am judging other people without changing anything about myself. let me channel the gandhi quote i saw on twitter. maybe i need to be the change i wish to see in the world. [bleep] this. i am leaving twitter. i am leaving twitter! i'm leaving this hellscape right now. let's do this right now. you think i am doing this, this is real! this is real! just like everyone on twitter, i am making a long, annoying announcement right there. you got that? let's do it! [bleep] yeah! let's get the [bleep] out of here! deactivate, yes, deactivate! goodbye! [cheers and applause] i am gone! i am gone! i am free! i am free! [cheers and applause] i am free! i am free!

[cheers and applause] [laughs] so what do i do now? i guess i can actually go to the "town square" and meet people. in real life. hang out with my wife, kiss my children, y'know, touch grass. it's a big world out there and i want to live in it. we had a fun ride, trolls and bad fake actress. and by the way, if you hate this on twitter, i could give a [bleep]. because i'm not there. joined me in the real world. and hey, in case i don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

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[cheers and applause] >> hasan: thank you! welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight had to cancel at the last minute, but that's okay, because it allows me to bring out one of my favorite human beings in the entire world. it's her birthday. so please give it up for my

daughter! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [laughs] [cheers and applause] how old are you? >> five! >> hasan: really? oh, man. how does it feel to be five? >> good! >> hasan: yeah? let me ask you a question. how old is your brother? >> three! >> hasan: do you like him? >> yes! >> hasan: what is he like? >> he likes me. >> hasan: really? he likes you? >> yes. >> hasan: are you a good big sister? >> yes. >> hasan: what is your favorite color? >> pink and purple. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: okay.

what is your favorite book? >> >> hasan: i have never ask you this but... what does daddy do? >> work. >> hasan: but what does to is my work? >> [indistinct." "] >> hasan: everyone, i rarely get to do this. i am only here for a week, but i think we should all sing baby girl a happy birthday. can we do this? can we do this? here we go. three, two, one. ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday, dear baby g girl ♪ ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ [cheers and applause] happy birthday! [cheers and applause] we are going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ yo, i'll tell you what i want, ♪ ♪ what i really, really want ♪ ♪ so tell me what you want, ♪ ♪ what you really, really want ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> hasan: well, that's it for our show tonight. do you have something to say? >> your "moment of zen"! >> fifth-graders math proficiency dropped by seven-point. reading levels dropped by 22 points. here is what is shocking to me. there are 1,000,524 -- 524 and 481 -- over 1 million. 1.5 million. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪