to that. what is it called when two men intertwine their penises, like the snakes on the medic alert bracelet? is it called red vining? is it called red vining? we heard it was called red vining. angela: people red vine. where are gay men's vaginas? they don't have vaginas. what? oh. they're just regular men. when two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? wow. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, hasan minhaj! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> hasan: thank you! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm hasan minhaj! and it's my last night as guest host! it's over! settle in! settle in! it's my last night as guest host! it's over! i stripped the bed and i left the sheets on the washer and dryer! now give me back my deposit, comedy central! but first, we got a show to do. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] now as i said, this is my last night here, but as an indian and an american, i can't leave without shitting on the united kingdom. so let's talk about the latest drama in the royal family. because apparently, prince andrew is pissed that his brother, king charles, is trying to move him out of his 30-room

mansion and into the tiny ten-room frogmore cottage. [audience reacts] first of all, i get why he's upset -- that's barely enough space for a teenage sex dungeon. but second, why are you complaining? your house has a name. any house with a name is next level. my house just has a number, like a peasant! moving on. according to a new survey, the average tooth fairy payout has now hit a record $6.23 per tooth. which is insane. poor nick cannon's gonna be broke by the end of this year! [laughs] as a parent, i want to know what other dads think of this, so that is why i turn to fellow dad, roy wood jr.! [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> hasan: roy, i know your son is getting to tooth losing age. >> they are getting jiggly. >> hasan: is he getting the sweet six blocks from the tooth fairy? >> hell no! i did the responsible thing, and told my son the tooth fairy's dead. >> hasan: what? you told him the tooth fairy is dead? she's gone? >> she is gone, she tripped over my son's toys that he left laying all over the house. she broke her neck and choked to death on her own tongue. >> hasan: why would you say that to your own kid? >> well, he's gonna put those damn toys up. i bet you he will now. i'm tired of him not cleaning up. i'm tired of buying into the system. listen to this, we are paying our kids just for losing teeth. what are they learning from that? all kids learned that they can sell their body parts for money!

no wonder i spent my whole 20s selling plasma, selling blood, selling sperm, bone marrow, dropped off a kidney. all the tooth fairy did was to teach me to treat my body like a garage sale. >> hasan: but losing a tooth is a big moment. he should get something. >> he is getting something! he's getting a new truth. that are surprised! you get to keep chewing. let's be real, hasan, where does it end? who is tooth number $6, oh, you got your first zit, here's $10, your body keeps changing, i'm going to have to keep tipping this [bleep] for growing back hair? no! he gets one present on his birthday, and that's it. >> hasan: christmas? >> santa's dead, too. i taught my son that santa claus died from too much screen time on the ipad. >> hasan: listen, man, for your son's sake, just here, give this to henry, tell him it is

from uncle hasan, okay? >> he lost two teeth. >> hasan: all right, roy wood jr., everybody. [cheers and applause] when we get back, we are going to find out why we are in the golden age of drifting, so don't go away. [cheers and applause] remember marcus marakovich? you gotta make that. marcus, get off the court. well he got fired. i will offer you community service. coaching adults with intellectual disabilities. i'm new to all this. yeah, i can tell. [ laughter ] i don't know if your brave or crazy.

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turns out, some wishes do come true. and it turns out the general is a quality insurance company that's been saving people money for nearly 60 years. mom! for a great low rate, and nearly 60 years of quality coverage make the right call and go with the general. [playstation mnemonic] this is live from ps5. let's go now to our first story. the good people of manhattan woke up to a gift from their favorite hero. there's two of them! [reporting in foreign language] [reporting in foreign language] experts are linking all of these events to an increase in activity on ps5. this was live from ps5, bringing you the extraordinary. rated rp to m. playstation. [cheers and applause]

>> hasan: welcome back to "the daily show." you know, over the past couple of years, i've been noticing something. do you guys feel like scam artists are everywhere? right? you you obviously heard about ftx? the cryptocurrency exchange that lost $8 billion of investor deposits based on the reputation of this electrocuted 9-year-old? yeah. it was insane. but you know what was crazier? the people who helped him do it. >> i'm excited to be partnering with ftx to help make crypto accessible for everyone. i'm all in. are you? >> with ftx, i have everything i need to buy, sell, and trade crypto safely. >> i'm trading crypto. ftx is the safest and easiest way to buy and sell crypto. it's the best way to get in the game. >> if there's ever a place i can be and i'm not going to be in trouble, it's gonna be at ftx. >> hasan: wow, kevin, that prediction aged so poorly, leonardo dicaprio just broke up

with it. obviously, ftx is old news. but when the new ceo, john ray, took took over the company, he looked at the books, and he said one thing that i cannot forget. he said that he has never seen such a group of "inexperienced, unsophisticated, and potentially compromised group of individuals. this dude said that the situation was "unprecedented," and he oversaw the bankruptcy of enron! [laughs] okay? that's like if your doctor told you you had the weirdest penis he'd ever seen. and then you found out his other patient was rudy giuliani. now, a lot of people have said we're living in the golden age of grifting. there's articles everywhere about it. but it's not the "golden age" of grifting. cause that makes it sound

smart and sophisticated. the truth is, the grifters of our age are [bleep] morons. just absolute dipshits. soft-brained neanderthals. and that is the part that bothers me so much. i have friends that i grew up with that got duped by these cloud chasing sociopaths. that is why we need to know why it has gotten so stupid, so we never get back here. let's talk about the golden age of dipshittery in our latest installment of "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] do you guys remember the '08 financial crisis? yes, it was so complicated. remember "the big short?" what the hell was a credit default swap? i have no idea! margot robbie explained it naked

in a bath tub and i still couldn't get it! but the scandals or they are truly idiotic. take coinbase. very legit app. i have it on my phone. but it was recently at the center of the first crypto insider trading scandal. now you are probably thinking, wow, hasan, crypto, that's got to be complicated right? wrong! according to the doj, here's how it worked: right before coinbase listed a new coin, this dork who worked at coinbase protects his little brother to tell him to buy that point and at this point, they just texted the dollar sign and eye emoji. you know, universal sign for universal trading, zero subtlety. it gets even dumber. when coinbase caught him and try to bring him in, ishan wahi emailed his coworkers that he would be "out indefinitely because he had to fly back to

india overnight." ishan, you [bleep] dumbass. you're fleeing the country. you don't ping h.r. on slack. "hey, carol, running from the law. just looping you in. just bumping this for visibility. thanks!" now, obviously, crypto is full of idiots. but this dipshit grifting industry is everywhere! so don't feel bad if you've been duped. even jpmorgan got swing gold. take the case of charlie javice. she founded a start-up called "frank." and she claimed to have a user base of almost 4 million customers. and in 2021, jp morgan bought her company for $175 million. she was in "forbes." she was the future! but now they're suing her because it turns out those 4 million customers she had --

oh, she made 'em up! almost all of them were fake! and do you know how jp morgan found out they were fake? after they bought the company, which is [bleep] stupid, they e-mailed the list, and then 70% of the emails bounced back. that's right! the person who blew the lid off this intricate plot was... mailer-daemon! what the [bleep] is going on? i think there are three factors. number one, millennials have three times less money than boomers did at the same age. so we have this feeling is millennials where we want to catch up, pay for that marriage, that mortgage. we feel behind the game and we have to come up fast, and gen x, but who cares about them. number two: 0% interest rates plus two covid stimulus bills pumped a huge amount of money into the system.

and the third reason there is more grifting than ever might be the most important detail: social media. from the moment you wake up and pull out your phone, these grifters have root access to your brain. and it's never been easier for total idiots to pass themselves off as stock market gurus to millions of people. and there is no idiot more total than this guy. >> my name is tommy, i'm from tel aviv, israel. now i live in beverly hills, california. last year, i turned $3,000 in $4 million dollars. >> we used to be broke! >> i am a stock trader. >> [bleep] m-e-i-p, holy shit. >> and i am also the number 61 dj on the planet. >> hasan: this is tommy cooperman, aka the number 61 dj on the planet. but he's hoping to drop down to

69, so he can go by dj noice. tommy and a bunch of his friends promoted themselves on twitter as financial gurus. follow them, and you could be a baller. and they amassed huge followings. because they look really cool, right? especially the guy doing this. [bleep] yeah, dude. [bleep] yeah, dude. but i want to talk about this guy zack morris. with a photoshopped head of zack morris. that's edward constantin. in reality, edward loves to go on twitter and show off his cars, his shoes, and his scooters. that's right, ladies. scooters. edward loves scooters. he rides them all the time while being really cool. >> lotta people are looking at me and they're like, "damn, that dude is so cool."

and do i blame 'em? no, cause i am pretty [bleep] cool. i'm making $100,000, i don't know what the [bleep] you're doing with your life. evaluate it. change some things around. maybe get rid of your wife, your kids, or whatever's holding you back. so, yeah, guys, just you can do it, too. just get a bike and start making $100,000 a day. >> hasan: i can honestly say i have never prayed harder for a car door to open. [applause] okay. [cheers and applause] the question was, how were these guys getting so rich from trading stocks? and the suspicion was, they were running a pump-and-dump scam. that's where you buy a stock, you hype it up to your followers so they buy it, which pushes the price up, then you secretly sell your stock, and innocent people get left holding the bag. and you'd think they would hide

the evidence, right? nope! eddie would regularly post pictures like this. or he would regularly tweet he loved pumping and dumping. and then posted a photo of him and his friend flipping off the sec. [bleep] yeah, bro. it went on until the sec said, um, no, [bleep] you. >> involving several came dock market influencers. the sec and doj are charging eight social media influencers in the so-called pump and dump. >> prosecutors have mistakenly recorded voice chat where the influencers even brag about the alleged scheme, saying, " "we are robbing [bleep] idiots out of their money." >> hasan: oh, my god. these mouth breathing morons

snitched on themselves. "oh, [bleep] you know, bro." now i got to give props to the sec. they are clearly starting to send a signal to all grifters that it is 2023 and the party is over. last year, the sec collected a record $6.4 billion in penalties with no sign of slowing down. who knows if these guys are going to go to jail but the sec is making an example out of them and it is working. after the sec charged them, all of them stopped tweeting or deleted their accounts. all those scooter douche left us as one epic final tweet. "i love my homies on here, the rest of you can keep swinging on my nuts." [laughs] okay. i have to admit, that is kind of funny. it's funny! it's funny, it's funny. but one of the top responses to that tweet is not funny.

and it reminds me of the people i know that also got duped. one of the top responses, this dude writes, "shame on me. i used to defend these guys, thinking they were going to help me pay off my wife's medical bills after her fighting breast cancer. i know i'm the one that clicked the buy button, but damn, i lost a ton of money following their trades." this is the true damage of the grift. this is why there needs to be consequences. and the good news is: there can be. if you think someone is running a scam on twitter or tiktok, be a snitch. yes! hasan minhaj is saying, snitch! i am pro snitching. the sec has a website to submit tips anonymously. you can go to this website and snitch on dip shit grifters.

grifters. start calling these [bleep]s out, start drop kicking them with consequences because if you are not, in the words of the great scooter philosopher: "i don't know what the [bleep] you're doing with your life." when we come back, i will talk to one of those people who were involved in ftx. we'll be right back.

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my guest tonight is a "shark tank" investor and a venture capitalist. please welcome kevin o'leary! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] kevin o'leary, ladies and gentleman! [cheers and applause] they know you! nice to see you. >> you too. >> hasan: what's happening? >> well, i am just grifting through town. [laughter] >> hasan: oh, man, thank you for coming on the show. i want to say this first and foremost. i always give people their flowers. so i want to say, me and my dad love you on "shark tank." >> appreciate that. [cheers and applause] >> hasan: yes, "shark tank" is one of those shows a family can sit down, we can watch it together, it's amazing. now you have been making the rounds, we were speaking backstage, just to give everyone context, obviously, we are

talking about crypto, ftx, you have been making the rounds, testifying before congress, going on "squawk box" 78 times, and everybody is asking you about your endorsement of ftx, the $15 million bag, but nobody is asking you, how are you doing? how are you feeling? >> well, let's just get the numbers right. it was $18 million. >> hasan: 18! >> it is all gone and i get it. you got to understand something about venture investing. ftx was nothing but a start up, okay? basically, 18 months old, that was it. >> so at the end of the day, it is very unfortunate. >> hasan: because you do do your due diligence. i have seen you, you are a savage. >> i do. >> hasan: have you seen him when he is on "shark tank"? if someone doesn't come correct with the due diligence, you suplex them through the [bleep] table. play it!

it's crazy, check it out. >> i look at the valuation and i say, are you guys out of your freaking mind? >> what stops somebody who knows how to make sure how to deliver them to this and make a lot of money and crush you like the cockroach that you are? >> this is a very bad idea. take it out behind the barn and shoot it. >> i get the compassion piece but you know what i would be crying about? the fact you are not making a profit. >> if you are in one of my business groups, i would spray you down with water and every time you said i don't know, i would hit you with an electric cattle prod. >> hasan: [laughs] don't boo. don't boo. don't boo. i am serious, kevin o'leary came on the show, and he was man enough to come on the show and we are having the conversation, we spoke backstage and we were polite to one another and we are going to be polite so we are not going to do that booing stuff. i mean that sincerely. >> believe me, i can take it! >> hasan: i know. [laughter]

listen -- [cheers and applause] this is about -- this is about doing the due diligence, that is what spraying that person down and buzzing them with a cattle prod. so obviously, obviously, sbf and ftx, your boy, has lost $8 billion of investor funds and clearly, from the reports, no one did their due diligence, so i'm asking you on behalf of "the daily show," will you fly to palo alto where he is on house arrest -- and spray this [bleep] down? [cheers and applause] and get out the cattle prod? enough of the 40 appearances, enough of the four minute segments on "squawk box," let's take a southwest flight tonight. layover in chicago, it is on me. we land, sfo, my dad will pick us up, and we will go to sbf. >> i think it is a little extreme. >> hasan: okay. >> just a little. at the end of the day, think about this -- >> hasan: at the end of the

day, a lot of people lost money, retail got fleeced, that's what happened at the end of the day. >> okay, did lehman brothers change anything? enron, no, bear sterns, no. long term capital, no. there is always going to be the bad actors. >> hasan: sure. >> this is capitalism, and all of us involved owe an apology to know it was an alleged fraud but this happens from time to time. but in my mind, i can go to sleep every night knowing that it was my money, i lost it, i ate it, shame on me. that doesn't change what i do in the morning. i am a very fortunate guy. i can take huge hits and i can move on and keep going. that is the essence of entrepreneurship. you will get kicked to the ground once in a while. this was a big kick in the -- where it hurts. >> hasan: you want to talk about small businesses, we will talk about that, and then we will do my pitch. >> what we should be worried about is payer attention credit.

the government has $250 billion sitting, waiting for them to pick it up, on the payroll, because they forgot to go get it! it is sitting there. if you have a small business between five and 500 people, you can make up to $26,000 as a gift from the government towards your business one time. i am pounding the drum everywhere i can to tell every company in america that qualifies -- because you only have 23 more months to get it -- go file. go file for it. >> hasan: thank you for sharing that information. [applause] >> that is a very important thing to do. >> hasan: okay. i think you are good, i think you are entertaining on "shark tank." when you leave that environment and give financial advice, people, regular people, potentially get hurt. >> so my whole point is, my actual daytime job is managing capital, that is what i do. and i have been doing it for my 30 years. you know, it is a career i am very proud of and i am proud of my reputation. i had some mistakes and losers and bad investments, just like everybody else does.

>> i wish i could only have winners, i never will. everyone that invests have learned, whether i'm involved in their lives or not, that there are losers are investing, that is what happens. but as you suggested, the market does give you on average a 9% return -- >> hasan: when it's in the s&p 500 so the addendum is that you are in another tax bracket, you are balling and you can take the losses! that is it, perfect! you can take the losses! mr. kevin o'leary, i want to say thank you so much for being on the show. i want to say thank you so much for the conversation, i appreciate you. thank you. mr. kevin o'leary! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> hasan: that's our show for tonight, that's my time in the chair. but stay tuned, because your guest host for next week is gonna be marlon wayans! now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> what else isn't the truth? the truth is that god is great, feabeer is good, and united stas of america is star-spangled of america is star-spangled - ♪ mtv ♪ [both chuckling] [bluesy rock music] ♪ ♪ - ow! ow! i'ma kick--ow. ah! - okay, this is our eighth session