(female voice) okay, jan will see you now. oh, thanks. (michael) and that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. but here's the thing about cage matches. sometimes you have to open the cage. and that is something that toby will never understand. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, marlon wayans! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> marlon: oh, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm marlon wayans. yes, i am back for night two. i had no idea they do this shit every single day. know nobody warned me that "the daily show" was actually a daily show. i thought it was just a fun name or something. okay, we've got a great show for you tonight. why? because i'm on it! let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] i was watching fox news last night, because -- because apparently i hate my life. but i learned something. you know how the whole world remembers january 6th as the day a bunch of violent trump fans stormed into the capitol? well, according to fox news, we just got the wrong footage!

>> fox news host tucker carlson aired the first clips of the unseen january 6th footage given to him by speaker kevin mccarthy. on his show last night, he said the insurrection was mostly peaceful chaos, adding that the people who forced themselves into the capitol weren't, quote, "insurrectionists." they were sightseers. >> we're going to begin tonight with footage that shows you what was actually happening inside the capitol. >> that video tells a very different story about what happened on january 6th. protesters queue up in neat little lines. they give each other tours outside the speaker's office. they take cheerful selfies and they smile. they're not destroying the capitol. they obviously revere the capitol. >> marlon: sightseeing, my black ass. if you have to punch a cop on your way in, you are not sightseeing. you fight seeing. [applause]

all tucker carlson proved is that you can make anything look better by not showing the bad part! "how come they never show the 9/11 planes taking off?" [laughs] in a way, some of this footage is even more disturbing. like, there was this guy at the riot who was just cleaning shit up! that's a straight-up psychopath! i bet this guy goes to an orgy and does wordle. "guys, i got it! i got it in four guesses! come on, guys. stop [bleep] each other. put your dick away. it's grape." but enough about january 6th. let's talk about an even worse crime. some wax museum in poland

decided to make statues of the british royal family, and boy, look how they [bleep] they are. >> and next, william and kate like we've never seen them before. wax figures are on display at a museum in poland, supposedly in the likeness of prince william and kate middleton. >> footage of the figures went viral this week after museum visitors began sharing it, saying the figures don't look much like the royal couple. >> marlon: i don't know, people. they are pretty good statues. i mean, pale skin, scary teeth, the dead eyes. they look just like british people! [laughs] no, seriously, these statues, look at their smiles. they look like they just called meghan markle a [bleep] under their breath. "[bleep]!"

they look like they are auditioning to the sequel to "smile." [laughs] and kate, she is a specially [bleep] up. she looked like me in "white chicks." now finally, let's talk about the greatest threat facing america today: our kids are eating too much candy. with weed in it. >> the fda has issued a warning about children accidentally ingesting products with thc, with many made in packaging that looks like brand name candies and cereals, something kids could easily confuse. the fda warning accidental ingestion of these products can lead to serious adverse events, especially in children. a recent study links the dramatic increase in cases of kids accidentally ingesting cannabis to the legalization of marijuana. researchers have seen a nearly 1400% increase, with about 200 cases reported in 2017, compared

to more than 3,000 cases in 2021. >> marlon: wait, how can you even tell if a little kid is high? those [bleep] always sound high. "daddy, if a cloud had legs, would it be a snowman?" "[bleep], you in my stash again?" and weed is injured is dangerous for little children. it is also dangerous for adult children, like chet hanks. >> [indistinct jamaican accent] >> marlon: i'm sorry, tom, i'm just saying the shit you want to say. so parents, please be responsible for the health and the well-being of your family. send me your drugs for safekeeping. [applause]

i might give some back to you. for real, though, here is what i want to know. why is weed the only drug they put in food? how come there's no crack in edibles? think about it. they already got that hershey krackel. you're already halfway there, just put the crack in it! for more on this story, let's go to dulce sloan. dulce! >> what up, friend? [cheers and applause] >> marlon: how can parents stop kids from getting into their edibles? >> i'll tell you how! how about these grown-ass adults stop taking edibles in the first place! you shouldn't be like a little kid who needs an imaginary plane to eat its vegetables! you are 35 years old. smoke a [bleep] blonde like you pay taxes. grow up. >> marlon: that's a little harsh. >> smoke the drug's. >> marlon: that's a little

harsh. some people like a little flavor in their high. >> weed has flavor. the flavor is weed. if you can't handle it, you can't have it. all these people are trying to eat while they smoke. no, you smoke to earn your way to the munchies. all right? listen! [applause] listen, you can't combine the two. that's just lazy. come on! >> marlon: okay, but if people are gonna take edibles, how can they stop their kids from getting into them? >> well, look, i want to help, because i'm a good christian woman. hallelujah. the problem is, right now the packaging is too attractive to kids. so how about this packaging? see, so heavy. i mean, listen. ooh! [cheers and applause]

i mean, this is the hardest part about being single. picking up heavy things, you know what i mean? see, if you put the edibles in the math book. [applause] who the hell can do advanced algebra? come on. we all know that math is a lie -- so the only thing you need is geometry, change your life. so listen, if you put the drugs in a math book, the only kids finding them are nerds. and frankly, them nerds need to loosen up anyway. or... look! look, look. instead of changing the packaging, change the edible! see?

green being edibles with vitamins t, h, and c! [applause] >> marlon: dulce, there is going to be no adult or kid that is going to be done with that product. >> but it's good, it is good for you. listen. i hear what you are saying come on mr. marlon, and i will just tell you, you sound a little stressed, you know? so maybe, just maybe, you need a little visit from the airplane? come on! here comes the plane! [cheers and applause] >> marlon: come on, stop, stop. i am a grown ass man. i'm not about to do that. >> you need to eat the weed. >> marlon: dulce sloan, everybody. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, we are going to have a weird interview with the mayor of new york city. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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guy, so i said [bleep] no. but my dear friend quon is very interested in politics, so he sat down with mayor adams for to ask him the tough questions. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> how are you doing, man? [laughter] >> good to see you. >> i beat you here, you know you are late when i beat you here. >> thank you. >> so what's up, this is quon, asking the mayor and real politicians real questions that the real [bleep]s want to know. all right. mayor, -- >> i meet people all the time, i read people and the homeless shelter, i meet people in the club, they say, i cannot believe i am sitting here kicking it with the mayor.

>> can't believe that you look like. [laughter] i was like, yo, you put the mask on, that is wild. it is wild, like, yo. i voted for you. my mom voted for you. i don't want them to come get me for jury duty. >> listen, moms, all the moms, they saw in me what they see in you. >> that is some lady man shipped right there. yo, men, you buff, son. >> you got to be. >> you are the most buff man actually. some arnold schwarzenegger. >> every day is an action movie. is being a mayor stress? >> it depends. stressful is growing up in a neighborhood not knowing when your meal will come from eating the hard ass cheese that we used to eat. that is stress. >> you plan on softening the

government cheese. we could put it in the oven and we would leave it in there for half an hour and it was still hard. >> yeah. >> i couldn't shit for months. yo. i had a question, just random. how come i can't buy hot food on my ebt card? >> that is a good question, i didn't even know that. >> just called shit. >> and they shouldn't. i didn't know you can. we are changing that bill. >> we are looking at it. and we will name the bill after you. >> quon, the quon bill. >> yes. >> do you know how many hos i will get that. i got a bill named after me! but real, we getting it serious. you work out. >> every morning, 5:00 a.m. >> sorry, do you or do you not be in clubs? i hear you be partying. >> i got to test the product. >> people say you up at 5:00 a.m. when you ain't even

sleep, son! >> listen, my dad says you hang out with the boys, got to get up with the men. >> oh, that is real. i [bleep] with you, i believe with you. let me ask you some real shit. weed. if you smoke? >> that's a tough question. >> it's legal. >> you know, no, i don't smoke. >> secondhand? all you have to do is walk down the block, secondhand is everywhere. we made it legal, we just don't want our children smoking on their way to school or getting the gummy bears and the other bullshit that they sell, you know. we need to be real clear. they need to smoke after school. >> let's be real. that will soften you up. we got some real shit to ask you. you said that prayers go out of the classroom, guns come in. i am a church boy. >> yes. >> i can tell. >> grandmother goes to church.

>> she prayed a lot. >> she prayed a lot. that is how you made it. >> prayer don't always work. my grandma prayed over my dead cousin her whole life. she still dead as hell. >> your grandmother prayed for your cousin, she will pray for her to be happy and at peace. and that peace may not be your piece. >> boss. boss. all right. all right! i [bleep] with you, man. yo, next time, if i vote, i am voting for you. with that said, when exactly did they take prayers out of the classroom in new york city? >> sometimes, they believe constitutionally, you're not supposed to have prayers in school. and i think if you are going to do it in school, around school, but our children need some spirituality. >> some inspiration. >> i think it is the right shit. should be able to pray. we got here. >> so you want to put it back in

school. >> it's not up to me. what i want to do is introduce our children to spirituality. >> i [bleep] with that. i do. because one time, i took this dude's chain, it was a jesus jane and i felt really bad. >> i'm sure you give it back to him. >> no, i just felt bad. >> there was a reason. >> i did it pawn during quarantine and got me some ebt money. let me ask you the real speed 29 the people want to know. what the [bleep] are you going to do about the knicks? >> listen -- >> you are the mayor, son. you can't have your new york team looking like -- spike lee don't even go to the games no more! you got to do something, son. you should go there with all of your crops, and if they don't play right, you should arrest them all! >> listen, all i know about new york fans is arnold schwarzenegger moment, they'll be back, we are going to

win. >> we've been saying that for 30 years. we don't even go to the game anymore. yo, listen, i will give you my man, let's link up again, pop some bottles. you know what i'm saying? my guy! all day! all day. >> thank you. >> thank you. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> marlon: all right! thank you, quon. all right, stay tuned because when we come back, bomani jones will be joining me on the show. and i bet you, so don't go away! [cheers and applause]

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feel it yourself with always flexfoam. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy-winning sports journalist who hosts the hbo series -- speaking of hbo, i have a stand-up special called "god loves me" streaming right now on hbo max. [cheers and applause] and if you want to see me live, i will be in medford, massachusetts, at the chevalier theatre this saturday, march 11th. [cheers and applause] my next guest, emmy-winning sports journalist who hosts the show on hbo, it is called the "game theory with bomani jones." >> the thing is, people don't fight anymore in the nba. they will damn near throw you in jail. somehow, we all love watching people fight all the time except when they do it in basketball jerseys, than all then all of a sudden, everyone wants to call the police and tries to shut the whole party down.

there is an entire generation of fans that have never seen their favorite players get into a fight. i once saw dr. dre and moses malone double team larry bird! [laughter] these kids are being deprived! >> marlon: please welcome the one and only bomani jones! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> marlon: looking clean, looking clean. >> trying, man. >> marlon: looking like you are a wayans. [laughter] you look like damon and keenan got squished together and then put in a suit. so let me ask you a question. what do think of the whole ja morant thing? >> well... [laughs] i had two thoughts when i saw the last video with him at the strip club. thought number one: they

supposed to be taking they shirts off. [laughter] and that is -- you don't flip your ow burgers at mcdonald's. if you go to the strip club, if you take your clothes off, you are doing it backwards. then there is the other part where he is in there with a gun. and honestly, i thought that gun was too small to even rightly pistol whip somebody. >> marlon: i thought it was a chain. [laughter] >> no, i think there is a level to this that is kind of encouraging, where people like me, who in the media see him -- with allen iverson, we would have slammed him. the world would have come down on him. i look at this with a lot more concern. like, i see a dude who is acting out. you and i both know, showing people guns, that makes other people show you guns. except not the side part. you know? the part that look at you. so it is not about judging him, for me as much as i hope he gets himself right because it is clear he is not. >> marlon: i think when you give these guys this much money, that young -- like them if i had

100 mil that young, i would be at a strip club with a gun, why not? why not? pop, pop, pop. pop, pop, pop. [laughter] >> the first part, i get that. if i got that much money, i ain't going nowhere. >> marlon: the strip club is in my house. >> anytime i see someone with a gun, i'm like, maybe you shouldn't go there. like, if i think i need to shoot someone where i am, i probably shouldn't go there. >> marlon: okay, so you saw the tweet that lebron did about his son bronny last night, he tweeted, and i want to quote this right, "definitely better" -- he said that his son bronny was "definitely better than some of these cats i have been watching on the league pass today." do you think bronny has what it takes? >> so i looked at what time lebron sent that tweet. it was roughly midnight eastern. there were two games on, and all of those teams had better records than the lakers.

so -- >> marlon: oh! shots fired! shots fired! >> my only point is, if bronny is better than them, then bring your son to work day, bring him right here, and you can find out. unfortunately for the young man, he would have learned some very hard lessons that day. and that's the thing, man. i feel like he is putting a bull's-eye on his son's back. getting to the nba is hard. really, really hard. if he gets there at all, that is a victory. but if he gets there and his name is lebron james, jr., man, everybody going to try to get famous off of him. if i was lebron, i would be like, you know, he's working very hard. i will be proud of him wherever he ends up. [laughter] that is the point you want to make. >> marlon: so your interview with jake paul went viral last month. you roasted him and then he lost his fight. did that make you happy? was that a hateful prayer you put out there? >> i will be honest, i didn't

want to watch the fight because i didn't want to watch him fight. he is not actually a fighter. but he told us -- i asked him, because he fancies himself as a boxing promoter, like a businessman. so i'm like, what happens if you lose? i'm thinking about the money of it. he's like, i don't have a loser mentality, that seems to be how you live life. like, dude, i am 42 years old. you ain't going to nanny nanny boo-boo me into this. >> marlon: you sure you're 42? >> i am 42. >> marlon: nanny nanny boo-boo, i thought you were 72. [laughter] i thought my grandfather was sitting here for a second. [laughter] >> i will tell you this, when i found out jake paul had a rematch clause, who are you losing out, dog? it seems like you had a plan just in case you got your ass whooped, which by the way, is a generally good idea. >> marlon: do you think he could whip your ass? >> i am 42 years old. i can't lose no fight to jake paul. why? because i can't! i can't -- i don't have kids so we don't have it with them where you can't beat me. but if jake paul beats me up in public, one of us at some point

is going to have to die. [laughter] there is no other option. >> marlon: you are going to be like, ja morant, can i use your little gun? [laughter] all right. new episodes of "game theory" with my man bomani jones airs friday night on hbo and hbo max. okay! we are going to take a quick break but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> marlon: that's our show for tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting black men heal. it's a non-profit dedicated to providing mental health treatment, education, and resources to men of color, who often can't get the help they need. if you can support them in their

work, please donate at the link below. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> good evening and welcome to "tucker carlson," happy monday. we are about to show you surveillance video from dallas, 1963. the mainstream media wants you to believe that this was an "political assassination." but look at this footage. do you see any political leaders getting assassinated? i don't. all i see are proud americans out for a lovely drive on a sunny day in dallas. also this isn't fake, this is really me, tucker carlson. if someone tells you this is fake, they are lying to you as part of a global conspiracy. ♪♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪