they're a multi-service community center that offers diverse programming for people in chelsea and along manhattan's west side. they help to the wayans family. i would have no immunization or teeth if it weren't for them. so if you can support them, i would really appreciate it. please donate at the link below. love y'all. now here is your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> tucker carlson got the security footage from speaker mccarthy, and really downplayed january 6, it was mostly peaceful chaos in his view, and said it was not an insurrection, said that brian sicknick's death was not related ♪ norfolk southern railway, the flume guys. >> tonight on "tooning out the news," the elegalists at inside the hill honor our heroic ruling

class for. then the conservative "hot take" as abbott elementary star sheryl lee ralph. but first, donald trump's cpac speech lays out a campaign vision as grim and hopeless as the chance of a speechwriter's invoice being paid. this is the big news. ♪ ♪ good evening, everyone. i'm james smartwood. i'm the king of announcing to my wife that i thought about picking her up some flowers on the way home. the top story tonight, president trump took a break from regaling a document with anecdotes about ed kotch. >> in 2016 i declared i am your voice.

today i add, i am your warrior, i am your justice. and for those who have been wronged and betrayed, i am your retribution. i am your retribution. [ applause ] >> after the speech, the news media fought back with a proven tactic for stopping his power. >> the big lie. >> disinformation. >> fabrication. >> absolute fiction. half-truths, lies, and some absolute whoppers. >> the media looking out upon the lawless plains of american politics and boldly pointing out. joining me now is a democratic strategist lydia parker. chief washington bureau chief too polite to confront the drycleaner clearly paying his missing clothes. chainsmoker but for twizzlers. plus host of pbs' firing line and only member of the pbs staff

who doesn't come to work in something she crocheted, margaret hoover. margaret, trump continues to hold republicans' support despite countless lies. should the news media consider other ways to stop trump besides swapping out the word "half truth" for tall tale. >> many republicans don't believe that his half-truths and the hyperbole he deploys in his speech is actually problematic. and they take it with a grain of salt and as part of a grain of truth in a larger battle, i would say, that he is fighting on their behalf. >> well, look, at jim acosta's defense. >> republicans don't want the guy they elect to snuff out

their scape goats to be some kind of liar. >> and good for democrats for not campaigning on lies and instead promising sweeping policy reform that they will only half-attempt to barely fulfill. >> we need to call out trump's lies, which is why i've been keeping a tally since 2016. i'm up to over 40,000. >> your family and i have actually been meaning to talk to you about this. we love you very much. but we think you have a fact-checking problem. i'm sure it feels good in the short term. but in the long term you're making a fool of yourself. >> okay, whatever. you all fact-checked too. just like trump said he'd stop the deficit from rising, but he added more than president obama. >> you're doing it again. >> you're going to die, keene. >> i'm so sorry. i need help. >> meanwhile over at fox news, tucker carlson finally got his turn to gnaw at the spineless carcass of kevin mccarthy and came away with a juicy january 6th security footage he was

promised. >> they were peaceful, orderly and meek. these are not insurrectionists, they are sight-seers. footage from inside the capitol overturns the story you've heard about january 6th. they give each other tours outside the speaker's office. they're not destroying the capitol, they obviously revere the capitol. >> they just wanted to pose for a nice photo of their waist inside nancy pelosi's credenza. january 6th was also downplayed in the rupert murdoch-owned "new york post." is this murdoch's way of winning it back when the dominion lawsuit showed he did not believe trump won all the states. >> we saw a motion for a summary judgment. that was the fact that fox news knew they were not telling the tuth to their viewers but continue to do it because they wanted to win them back. they saw precipitous decline after they called arizona for

joe biden and recognized that in order to, quote, respect their viewers, end quote, they needed to lie to them in order to get them back. so -- >> is everything okay? >> yeah, there was a background noise here that was pretty loud. >> probably not trump lie, if i had to guess. >> the lie made the noise? >> i don't know. i have to check. >> keene, you're sick. >> meanwhile, republican governor and charm sink hole ron desantis is touring the country to promote his new book "the courage to be free," which "the new york times" panned, saying it's courageously free of anything that shows charisma. but let's not forget the real victims of ron desantis' "courage to be free." we reckon with that tragedy. let's call our first witness, chairman of the south carolina forestry commission. are you there? >> yes, sir.

>> thank you so much for joining us and lending your expertise. now let's say a publisher printed 250,000 copies of a 288-page book. how many trees would it take, in your estimation, to make those books? >> what we've got, if you take, for example, an 8 to 10-inch diameter pine tree, which is basically the size of a power pole, that will make about 25 to 30 books. >> wow. and we're talking about 250,000 here. can you take us through the process of turning trees into a book? >> it's 100% what? >> just what is the process of turning a tree into a book? >> certainly. the trees are cut down when they're about 15 to 20 years old. >> jesus. >> they grind them up, and it goes through a digestive process. [ laughter ] >> oh, god. >> and it's going through a

paper machine. this paper machine is about 250 feet long, and out comes big rolls of paper. >> oh, the brutality. >> to the publishers. >> wow, okay. now has a tree ever cut itself down preemptively just to get ahead of it? >> a tree does not feel pain. and a tree is not going to cut itself down. that is not a very good question. >> they're not even -- >> well, it's all devastating. but we need to confront this darkness so we don't have a sequel entitled "the freedom of courage," or some crap. but let's take a moment of silent reflection. rick michaelson. sarah jacobs. frank hallworthy. patty luu. daniel mason. thomas "big tom." and like 10,000 others. you are all pulped but not forgotten. >> amen. >> well, it's been three hours since i watched the video of a

whale exploding. sorry we didn't have time for the air force one's biden stumbles. which wealthy tycoon's tax breaks are you defending tonight? >> thanks, james. we're honoring our heroic ruling class who help teach children basic anatomy by hiring them to de chickens. on the next episode of "tv dad"... kids are so expensive, dad.

maybe try switching your car insurance to progressive. you could save hundreds. that's a great idea, tv dad. listen to your tv dad. drivers who switch and save with progressive save nearly $700 on average. the champions are coming. [ whistle blows ] drivers who switch and save with progressive what am i looking at here? that's it baby! -buckle up. get ready... -yeah, let's go. to let loose. [ flatulating ] [ chuckling ] that's very funny.

♪ clear. tonight, we honor our heroic ruling class who keep migrate children safe from trafficking by making them work overnights in a slaughterhouse. >> let's go inside the hill.

♪ i'm rich ballard and i won't leave this planet. >> i'm sarah sabo and i always thought downtown was a place they made up for movies. >> and joining us is "wall street journal" columnist eleanor palimer. >> all right. time for a splashless swan dive into the news. when you're living it up for this long-term eugenics project we call america, it's easy to overlook the plight of a motivating purpose and end goal of our entire reality, rich people. >> and at this very moment, they face ongoing, unspeakable threats from the dog breed known as working-class scum. >> we cover it all in our new segment "honoring our heroic ruling class." stop complaining you inhuman

freaks. >> the nosey gossip hounds at "the new york times" recently tried to upend the economy at its foundation by exposing these innocent child labor practices, writing, in los angeles, children stitch made-in-america tags into j. crew shirts. they bake dinner rolls baked in walmart and target. and help debone chicken sold at whole foods. gees, i'm getting hungry. as recently as the fall, middle schoolers made fruit of the loom socks in alabama. in michigan, children make auto parts used by ford and general motors. i know this looks bad. out you come up with a way for a mega corporation to break even without enslaving children. >> we talk a lot about sexual harassment in the workplace, but nobody wants to hear the obvious solution, a 7-year-old manager. >> my concern is the griffin college admissions essays these kids will churn out. it might be enough to take spots from some legacy kids. >> ultimately, we are the victims.

up next, amc theaters. the movie giant knows that when people go to the cinema, they want to escape everything about real life, except for where they stack up in our inescapable economic hierarchy. similar to sporting events or broirks moviegoers will have the option to pay more or less for admission depending on where they choose to sit in the venue. i love being able to pay a little bit more to feel superior to the people around me. the lesson of every movie i go see. >> look, every experience should be fiscally stratified. why can poor people see the same sky as me? can't we make the sunset pay-per-view? >> even airplanes. i want passengers in exact order from richest to poorest with the last 30 rows. >> here's my question. can i pay to make poor people's moviegoing experience worse, thus making mine better? >> oh! >> i would pay top dollar for

everyone but me to sit behind a large beam wondering what i'm laughing at. >> next up, companies that save $4 billion a year by smartly inflating job titles to avoid paying overtime. according to a new report, generally companies are required to pay workers 1.5 times their hourly rate any time they work more than 40 hours in a week. but there's an exemption for salaried managers who receive the same amount of pay each week as long as they earn above a certain minimum amount, $455 a week. look, having manager in your job title is a real boost. you can buy groceries by swiping your business card. >> this is a great move. employees were starting to catch on to feel-good pseudo compensation like pizza fridays. this company is a family, and you can take a day off if your dad gets run over. if anything, these employees should be grateful the company's not charging them rent for basically living at the office. >> inflating titles in lieu of material compensation is a

wonderful program. just ask our executive vice president floor buffer. or our east coast director of coffee machine. >> or chief financial toilet declogger. >> or high empress of rat trap replacement. >> or the everlasting immortal sun king. >> and that's honoring our heroic ruling class. stop complaining, you inhuman freaks. well, i've got a consultation for a cosmetic bone smoothing so let's wrap it there. >> when "tooning out the news" returns, "hot take" tyler templeton interviews abbott elementary chsheryl lee ralph wh the same energy that gets him carried out from school board meetings. that's ahead. >> you know, i found us a new supply of olzempic from overseas. >> "tooning out the news" the podcast is available thursdays wherever you get your podcasts. idiot. only one comedy this year has a raging... oh!

and a big set of... that's very funny. oh! [ laughter ] [sniff] ew. gotta get rid of this. ♪tell me why!♪ because it stinks. ♪have you tried♪ ♪new downy rinse and refresh?♪ it helps remove odors 3x better than detergent alone it worked guys! ♪yeahhhh!♪ new downy rinse and refresh [ upbeat music ] ♪ do your thing ♪ ♪ i said, do your thing ♪ ♪ just do your thing ♪ adulting made easy. that's totally target.

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panda express. snarf chuck chicken club. >> we'll keep taking a 23 and me test until it confirms a blood relation to tyler sheridan. tyler templeton gets into a fist fight with. no loitering policy, austin sparks. netflix should've preempted chris rocks' comedy special.

this is "hot take." hello to all you heroes using a chopstick to scratch the itch under your court-ordered ankle bracelet. top story, florida governor rarnold de schwarzenegger who can't handle the hard truth that america is and always has been perfect. here he is live from jay leno's garage. >> there's unfortunately an effort in our country to try to jam some of this stuff into the elementary and the middle schools. that's just inappropriate so we're going to make sure that parents in florida feel safe sending their kids to school. >> yes, education is about one thing and one thing only, making sure parents feel safe, and that means making sure their kids are dumb as hell. let's bring in tomy nominated and emmy award-winning actress from pro-teacher propaganda disguised as hit entertainment

the whole family can enjoy "abbott elementary" sheryl lee ralph. [ laughter ] hello, tyler templeton. >> your father was an educator. why must teachers spew partisan propaganda like slavery happened, when kids should just be learning about the history of america? >> i mean to think that somebody who had any sort of education at all would think that slavery did not happen at all? that enslaved people did not help build america from the ground up? that enslaved people did not add so much to the history that is america and that they wouldn't want to learn what is an obvious truth? it just seems, well, unintelligent. it just seems sort of ignorant. it just seems sort of in need of

a good education. >> i don't like that educators who violate state law could go to jail where they might have the luxury of only one cellmate instead of the four roommates they need on a teacher salary. >> absolutely. so, moving on. your steering rendition of "lift every voice and sing," known as the black national anthem before the super bowl, earned a lot of praise. but also negative reviews such as, i don't want to look up what that song means or think about it. now, congresswoman and magician lauren boebert tweeted america only has one national anthem. why is the nfl trying to divide us? but she was not alone. america's foremost santa claus jenologist megyn kelly said this on her radio show. >> there is no reason to have a black national anthem sung before the super bowl. but there's one national anthem, it unites us all.

>> oh, that woman is amazing. i mean, i wish that she was as smart as beautiful as she is. can you imagine that song "lift every voice and sing" is 123 years old. it was written to commemorate the birth date of our 16th president abraham lincoln. i mean, the fact that people want to feel divided by such sentiment and such lyrics, it tells you that there are some people in the country, in the world that i guess there's nothing that will ever truly make them happy until america is no longer the home of the free and the brave. >> wow, that is -- i mean, i'm about to give an equally amazing speech. i mean, if i could agree with

megyn kelly here and push back a little bit, i think megyn kelly is right. in the melting pot we call america, any celebration of one group is an all-out assault on everyone else. >> exactly. we need to keep politics out of sports and where it belongs, in every other facet of american life including sports. >> yeah. and, look, songs celebrating certain groups of people should be banned. hey, by the way, who's coming to my st. patrick's day screaming folk sing-a-long? all right. my twin brother needs me to do some prison time for him so let's wrap it there. thank you to my co-host and sheryl lee ralph. >> and you're welcome. >> she is the author of diva 2.0, 12 life lessons from me for you. when "tooning out the news" returns, we've got a fresh "hot take" helping of "i'm not done.

"stick around. >> facebook, twitter, instagram and twitter for exclusive content. the champions are coming. [ whistle blows ] what am i looking at here? that's it baby! -buckle up. get ready... -yeah, let's go. to let loose. [ flatulating ] [ chuckling ] that's very funny. ♪♪ experience the exhilaration of the performance line at the invitation to lexus sales event. having triplets is... -amazing. -expensive. okay, well that too. so, we switched to bargain detergent, but we ended up using three times as much and the clothes still weren't as clean as with tide.

so we're back to tide. they're cuter in clean clothes. mhm. they are. thanks honey. you suck at folding. oh, i know. do 3x the laundry and get a tide clean. it's got to be tide. mara, are you sure you don't want -to go bowling with us tonight? -yeah. no. there's my little marzipan! [ laughs ] oh, my daughter gives the best hugs! we're just passing through on our way to the jazz jamboree.

[ imitates trumpet playing ] and we wanted to thank america's number-one motorcycle insurer -for saving us money. -thank you. [ laughs ] mara, your parents are -- exactly like me? i know, right? well, cherish your friends and loved ones. let's roll, daddio! let's boogie-woogie!

♪ welcome back. let's wrap it up with "i'm not done." ♪ >> i am obsessed with dana white's new power slap show on tbs. but does it go far enough? i'm calling on dana white to introduce a show called power slam where two contestants drop boulders on each other's skulls. susan? >> i am deeply disappointed that larry hogan is not running for president. a healthy, vibrant republican party needs a sensible conservative with reasonable solutions for us to accuse of being a war lock than chase into a bug. >> i'm the host of "tooning out the news" hit toga party late night show sparks. and tonight's episode is 100% cure colombian epic sauce. first up, senator j.d. vance and

i binge california rolls, then spin around in office chairs till one of us chunks. check, please. then we find out how long kurt cameron can hold his breath in the 4 loco tank. finally, i see how much dirt i can shove in my car cd changer. we're going to play that tonight on "sparks." sick! >> and congrats on the hollywood walk of fame star right next to oreson wells. >> whoever that is. >> whoever that is. good night, everyone. ♪♪ ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ ♪ heading on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ♪ mrph rmhmhm rm! mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪