this is "the daily show" with your host, marlon wayans! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> marlon: hey! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm marlon wayans. and this is my third night hosting the show! [cheers and applause] which means they haven't canceled us yet. but hey, we got one more night. let's get it! so let's go into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] this is "the daily show," so let's talk about fox news. they are dealing with a big

lawsuit right now and because of it come a bunch of fox news hosts had to give up all of their texts. so we've been finding out what they really think about donald trump. and it's hilarious. >> according to court documents, host tucker carlson texted a producer on january 4th, 2021: "we are very, very close to being able to ignore trump most nights." referring to trump, carlson said, "i hate him passionately. i can't handle much more of this." >> carlson added, "we're all pretending we've got a lot to show for it, because admitting what disaster it's been is too tough to digest. but come on. there really isn't a upside to trump." >> marlon: oh! ooh! that's fighting words! white on white crime, let's go! [laughter] i know this looks bad, but their makeup sex is gonna be so much hotter.

you know at fox news, if they want to keep their shit quiet, they should do what crack dealers to. use a play form. "yo, it's tucker. i just wanted to say: black lives matter. they really do! aight, hit me back on my burner." i am enjoying this, though! i have never seen someone whose private texts were so opposite from his public persona. this is like finding out nikki haley has a blackcent. "oh, hell, no. sorry, boo-boo." "if i'm being honest, i do feel for tucker a little, because it's brutal when your private shit-talk gets put out in the open like that. it actually happened to my brothers just this week. [text message notification sounds]

[cheers and applause] all right, let's let's move on. i just flew in from l.a. this week, and i'm glad i wasn't on this flight. >> united flight 2609 was just 45 minutes from landing in boston. >> i will kill every man on this plane! >> when prosecutors say 32-year-old francisco torres went on an incoherent rant after trying to open one of the plane's emergency exits. >> i'm taking over this plane. tell them to bring s.w.a.t. to shoot me down because they're going to have to shoot me down today. >> then rushing and stabbing a flight attendant with a spoon he'd broken in the lavatory. fellow passengers quickly tackled and subdued him. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: wow! that shit was crazy! my favorite part is how nobody did anything until the very end. [laughs]

the guy in the aisle seat, he just got up to let the dude by. "oh, you back? here." [laughs] "oh, you need a spoon? here you go, brother." [laughs] once they saw the guy had a spoon, everyone got real brave. everyone was like, oh, my god, ask my kids got a knife! oh, shit, that's a spoon? i will beat him up. [cheers and applause] always bet on a black [bleep]! and you can tell this guy was going to do something because he's got those crazy eyes. they should have like this guy before he got on the plane. tsa got to stop racial profiling

and start crazy profiling. [applause] "i'm sorry, sir, i can see your entire eyeball like a [bleep] muppet, you cannot get on this plane. i'm sorry." let's move on! some news out of social media. there is a new filter on tiktok and it is going to mess you up. >> a new beauty trend going viral on tiktok, the bold glam look that's causing a stir because of its drastic filter. >> i just woke up. this is not what i look like right now. this filter should be illegal. here's the real me! oh, gosh. >> and then there are those who believe filters like this are setting unrealistic standards of beauty for young girls or creating a sense of false advertising. >> marlon: goddamn! that's not a filter. that is witchcraft. come on, tiktok. you don't need a filter like this. we already have the technology to make people look hotter. it's called tequila. [cheers and applause]

if you ask me, it is a scariest thing i've seen on social media since any post by chet hanks. >> [indistinct jamaican accent] >> marlon: [laughs] i am sorry, tom, i only have one more day, i promise, that's all. real talk, though, these builders have got it all wrong. the truth is, everyone is beautiful. beautiful people, we know that shit ain't true. don't tell the uggos though, they will have a revolt. we are all gorgeous. [laughs] in fact, forget a beauty filter. i want an ugly filter. i want a filter that makes me look worse. gives me acne, [bleep] up my face. then, when people meet me in

real life, they're impressed. "damn, marlon, you really cleaned up! all your cold sores are gone!" look, we need to ask ourselves two questions. how can we make women less self-conscious about the way they look? and how can we make men more self-conscious about the way they look? [cheers and applause] because men will confidently send the ugliest pictures of their dicks. to anybody. it's poorly lit. bad angle. crooked and shit. skinny in the middle. looking like a rancid slim jim. can someone please teach us how to feel shame? and finally, today is international women's day. [cheers and applause] and here's how the world's top feminist organization is celebrating. >> mattel is celebrating

international women's day with seven new role models. the new barbie lineup was inspired by the likeness of female leaders in s.t.e.m. fields from around the world. the company hopes the role models, including former youtube ceo and a u.k. scientist, will inspire the next generation of girls to pursue their passions despite women being underrepresented in s.t.e.m. fields. >> marlon: this is so important. kids learn so much from the toys they play with. you want them to have scientist dolls that can scissor each other. for more on this story, we turn to desi lydic. desi! [cheers and applause] how did your international women's day go? >> well, thank you for asking. it started out so great! this morning, the random guy who usually yells "nice ass"

instead yelled, "i respect your nice ass." and this is why we march. so, yeah, i was feeling pretty good. i mean, at least i was until i saw this barbie story. >> marlon: you don't like these brand new barbies? but they're so accomplished. they've got scientists, they've got the youtube ceo. >> oh, yeah, equally great role models. you could be a scientist who helps humanity, or you could design a youtube algorithm that says, "hey, kids, if you like peppa pig, you'll love qanon. >> marlon: okay, that's fair. but some of them are doctors and engineers, and one of them is a professor. >> i know, they're all so successful! [bleep] those barbie's [bleep] them. it is bad enough barbie was always hotter and now she's smarter than me, too? i want a doll that makes me feel bad about my body, not my mind! >> marlon: so are you saying we should get rid of these barbies?

>> well, no, not necessarily. why can't we also have some mediocre barbies who don't make us feel pressured? right? [cheers and applause] mediocrity. not every barbie has to be a girlboss. let's have a barbie who's a paralegal at a midsize law firm. or one who works the lunch shift at a just salad. there is nothing wrong with barbies who are just trying to make it through the day. >> marlon: but aren't barbies supposed to be aspirational? >> no. no, marlon, they're not. give me a barbie who's okay with letting 5,000 emails pile up in her inbox. okay? the barbie who spilled coffee on her shirt but knows she can still get another day out of it if she puts a blazer on top. the barbie who spends her friday

nights in bed binge watching ""vanderpump rules,"" dunking carrot sticks into a jar of peanut butter, and letting her kids get to tae kwon do. for the love of god, stop judging become a marlon. >> marlon: those feel very specific. >> you were to specific. the point is, they don't all have to be rock stars. you think every ken is a nobel-prize winning aeronautical engineer? no! he's just a man with a car and a pubic mound and we all accept him. that's what i want! the dream of every woman. to be as successful as an average white man. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: that doesn't sound like women achieving their dreams. >> i'm sorry, are you mansplaining my dreams to me? on international women's day? [boos] what? really? >> marlon: oh, no, i wouldn't

dare. >> i feel like he wanted to. >> marlon: i swear i was not. desi lydic, please, everybody! [cheers and applause] i promise you i wasn't. >> i feel like you were. >> marlon: i wasn't. all right, when we come back, we'll ask you what you think about the oscars! don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ yo, i'll tell you what i want, ♪ ♪ what i really, really want ♪ ♪ so tell me what you want, ♪ ♪ what you really, really want ♪ ♪ i wanna, i wanna, i wanna, i wanna ♪ ♪ i wanna, really, really, really wanna zigazig ah ♪ applebee's! get a dozen shrimp for $1 with any steak! now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood.

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[cheers and applause] >> marlon: welcome back to "the daily show." the oscars are this weekend, so i thought i'd hit the street and ask the people in harlem which movies they think should win. take a look. first of all, are you a movie buff? >> yes. >> marlon: are you excited about the oscars? >> yeah. >> marlon: what movie do you think will win best picture? you think it will be "top gun?" "avatar" or one of the movies i don't give a shit about? >> one of the movies i don't give a shit about. >> describe "everything everywhere all at once." >> beautiful. god is blessed. >> marlon: did you see the movie? >> no. >> marlon: the movie "tar"? describe it.

>> sounds like a horror movie. >> marlon: what you think about "women talking?" >> "women talking? i mean, you have women talking on the time, don't you? >> what are they talking about? >> i am trying not to get as confused as to what women would be talking about but women can talk about anything. >> marlon: would you take your woman to go see "women talking"? >> i don't think she would even want to see "women talking." >> marlon: but would you be talking while the women are talking? >> she definitely would. women talk. >> marlon: some guy got nominated this year, can you show me your best impersonation? >> you know, i can do the dance moves. [laughter] >> marlon: if you had to do a elvis impression, what would it be? >> marlon: i would never do it. >> marlon: right. [bleep] elvis. >> my man. >> marlon: do you think there's enough black people nominated this year? >> absolutely, yes.

>> marlon: how many is nominated this year? >> i think i'm a lick, three, two. >> marlon: you know how many brothers have won oscars? >> 20? >> marlon: name ten. >> cants named ten. >> marlon: name seven. >> can't name seven. >> marlon: but you know 20 black people who won oscars. >> our oscars. give them the props that y'all deserve. >> marlon: talking about brothers. speak to us people, brothers and sisters. >> marlon: are the black actors in hollywood out there that are nominated, who else do you think should be nominated? for an oscar? all the black guys, handsome, you know, kind of tall. good-looking. funny, but not over-the-top. top. but can be over the top if you actually make him in that situation. >> kevin hart, yeah. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: really funny and everything, you right.

[laughter] >> marlon: -- >> some of that corny shit. >> marlon: a cantor member, but it was corny, man. >> "little man" was that shit. >> marlon: if you had to pick a movie to win the oscar, which one would you pick? >> what the name of the one you always and c, playing those gir? >> marlon: "righteous?" >> you think you i should've won an oscar for that? >> you should win an oscar for everything you do. we love you! yellow him some oscars. give them to him. represent him, give him what he deserves. look at the people out there! they so happy to have them! here we go! we got to give marlon some energy like he gives all of us! [cheers and applause] let's do it! hey! >> marlon: the oscar goes to... >> marlon wayans! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> marlon: all right. stay tuned because when we come back, d-nice will be joining me on the shell! don't go away! [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> marlon: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is a d.j. and a record producer whose wildly popular club quarantine saved all of our lives during the pandemic. please give it up for my brother, d.j. d-nice! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ d-nice! >> what's up, man? >> marlon: that is the perfect name. i never asked you, how did you come up with the name d-nice? >> you know, back in the '80s, everyone was ice, mix master ice, and when we recorded our first song, scott la rock accidentally called me d-nice and i just kept it. >> marlon: we've known each other for very long time. >> yes. >> marlon: we met on the set of "i'm gonna git you sucka." >> "i'm gonna git you sucka," yes. i think we were the youngest people on the set. >> marlon: we were babies. i had no hair. i look like a shaved weasel. and you didn't have no hair. look at you. look at him. i wanted to rob you of that jacket so bad. now look at me! look at me. >> yo, i love this. we were young. look at shawn. >> marlon: puberty was nowhere

on that set. >> no, not at all. [laughter] >> marlon: man, how did y'all wind up doing that? i know my brother called. my brother loved bdp. >> yes, your brother reached out, he reached out to us, we were on tour, i was young on that tour but i was like 17, 18 years old, and we were -- while we were on tour, keenen reached out and said he wanted us to do a song from the film so i worked on the beat on the tour bus and it ended up being the song used in the movie. >> marlon: "jack of spades." jack, jack, jack. [laughter] club quarantine, man, you really saved our lives with that. [cheers and applause] this is the third-year anniversary. it is funny, when you first started doing it, i would always show up, and i just wanted a shout out. you was shouting out oprah, obama was in there one time. i was like, let me in! and then one day, he was like,

marlon wayans! i was like, yes, street cred! what do you plan on doing with that now? >> cq, so the third anniversary of club quarantine, so crazy that we've been through this for three years together, is next friday. [cheers and applause] music man, so we are doing the cq3 anniversary next saturday, march 18th at the apollo theater, i wanted to bring it home. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: okay, dope. >> and so i'm pretty excited about that. but i am also excited that during the daytime we are doing something really cool, you know, what affected people during the quarantine was, how do you save for a pandemic? i'm doing something called the abc qs, which is a financial literacy seminar during the daytime with chase just to teach people about financial literacy and saving. >> marlon: dope. [cheers and applause] all of your positivity. >> come on now. >> marlon: i was like, how do you drink more wine?

[laughter] making it simple. >> marlon: hip-hop has been around 50 years. >> 50 years. like our age. 50 years. [cheers and applause] >> marlon: why do you think it had such an impact so soon? it is only 50 years, like, rock 'n' roll has been around way longer. hip-hop is pretty young. why do you think it had such an impact? >> just from my experience, being in hip-hop, a lot of what i learned growing up that they didn't teach in schools, i learned from the records. so i feel -- i didn't know much about -- i will be honest with you, i didn't know much about black history until i started listening to public enemy, chuck d, and krs. so i feel like hip-hop was definitely the cnn of the inner-city community. and we kind of needed that, i think it resonated with all of these kids. we started feeling rebellious back then, like, that's right, you know what? i feel proud about myself. >> marlon: it made you feel positive, no matter how much negativity we were going

through, it uplifted you. always aspirational. as are you, my brother. thank you for coming out. i appreciate you, i love you. >> love you too, bro. >> marlon: let me ask you one more question before you go. where do you think hip-hop is going to next? >> oh, man, i don't think i can even answer that question. >> marlon: in the next 50 years, what do you think? >> i don't know, man, i just hope it continues to grow. i got to be honest. >> marlon: you don't know, [bleep]. [laughter] [applause] d-nice! [cheers and applause] >> my man. i love you. >> marlon: love you too, man. [cheers and applause]

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community center that offers diverse programming for people in chelsea and along manhattan's west side. they help to the wayans family. i would have no immunization or teeth if it weren't for them. so if you can support them, i would really appreciate it. please donate at the link below. love y'all. now here is your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> tucker carlson got the security footage from speaker mccarthy, and really downplayed january 6, it was mostly peaceful chaos in his view, and said it was not an insurrection, said that brian sicknick's death was not related ♪ i'm goin' down to south park, gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ goin' down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night