overs found the cure and helped the world. and so to honor these boys, here is... jimmy buffett! - what?! oh, no! - ♪ cure burger in paradise ♪ ♪ cure burger ♪ ♪ there i said it twice ♪ - agh, goddamn it! well, i tell you this, kyle, i'm never getting my tonsils out again! [laughs weakly] - i'm still breaking your xbox. - what? no, no! kyle, no! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> from new york city, the only city in america! it's the show that invented news! this is "the daily show" with your host al franken! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> al: welcome! welcome! welcome! welcome! welcome to the dash welcome to "the daily show," i'm al franken and tonight is my last night hosting "the daily show." and i just want to say it's been an honor... for everyone here to get to work with me. [laughter] but we've got a great show for you tonight, so let's get into the headlines. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ okay, let's kick things off with a big story on capitol hill today. there was a major hearing that could determine the future of tiktok. of viggo a rare display of bipartisanship today for the growing of tiktok ceo on capitol hill.

the executive of the controversial and incredibly popular app facing some tough questions about child safety, data collection, and its chinese ownership. the chair of the committee today says that tiktok should be banned. >> we do not trust tiktok will ever embrace american values. values for freedom, human rights, and innovation. tiktok has repeatedly chosen the path for more control, more surveillance, and more manipulation. your platform should be banned. >> al: that's right, we don't need a chinese company stealing our data and spying on us. that's a job for american companies. usa! usa! usa! [crowd chanting] [laughter] of course a ban will affect me personally because as many of you know i have a huge following on tiktok thanks to my on boxing

videos. [laughter] my makeup tutorials. and of course my dance moves. i invented this one. [cheers and applause] [laughter] now, aside from the hearing in the house today, is another hearing in the senate next week which i think might go a bit like this. [laughter] when is tiktok going to release an app my flip phone? that's what i want to know! are fear is that your spine on americans -- you are spying on americans in my question is

whether you've been spying on donald trump. and if so, could you please share that data with the prosecutors? [laughter] i want... [applause] i want your assurances that if tiktok is banned, china won't retaliate by closing hunan balcony, re the restaurant neary house because that's where the schumer's eat on christmas. they make a wonderful mushu pork. i know it's not kosher... but it's -- you know, it's christmas. [laughter] [applause] i'm worried about the use of artificial intelligence because i have seen a deepfake video out

there saying that i trust brett kavanaugh to uphold roe v. wade. can you change that to me saying i don't trust him? because that's what i said. okay. [cheers and applause] let's move to florida, which i know is something -- i know that is something a lot of old jews say, but that's not what i'm talking about. we all know that last year governor desantis passed the so-called be 15 bill "don't say gay"bill. [boos] it banned teachers from discussing sexual orientation or gender identity with students in kindergarten through third grade. guess what? desantis is now announcing

that he plans to expand the law to cover students all the way through high school. so this "don't say gay" law is terrible. buckley though it doesn't say you can't saying about being g gay. ♪ being gay ♪ ♪ being gay ♪ ♪ is an equally valid way ♪ ♪ to be a person today ♪ [cheers and applause] anyway, good luck in english class, florida teens. i think you'll really enjoy reading classes like "moby large whale with no subtext whatsoever was quote. and finally come here is some fascinating news from the worlds of science and music. >> and the associated press is

scientist analyzed dna from beethoven's hair nearly 200 years after his death. they are looking for clues about the celebrated composer's many health problems and his hearing loss. they found information about the liver disease that is widely leaved to have killed him, according to a study. it includes a genetic risk for liver disease plus a liver-damaging hepatitis b infection in the last months of his life. >> al: i am so impressed by the signs, but did we really need to know how beethoven died? i feel like most people living in the 19th century died from living in the 19th century. [laughter] now, if you're wondering how someone was able to get beethoven's hair, remember, he was deaf. it's not too hard to sneak up on a deaf person playing piano and snip off a souvenir. [laughter] i'll admit i did the exact same thing multiple times, mainly to

ray charles. [laughter] hey, look, we have the guy's dna can be the only one thinking it. of let's make a beethoven jurassic park. i for one would love to see the brilliance composer of the fifth symphony eat jeff goldblum. [applause] for more on this scientific breakthrough, we turn to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, this is a -- this is a pretty amazing discovery, isn't it? >> i guess so. but when scientists dig someone up to study their dna, it's an amazing discovery, but when i do

it it's a felony mag [laughter] >> al: but it is amazing that we can learn how beethoven died just by analyzing his hair. >> and if not just beethoven, al. thanks to cutting-edge discoveries, scientists can finally learn how all sorts of historical figures died. i mean, for example, after analyzing a dna sample from julius caesar, we now know that he died from being stabbed to death. [laughter] >> al: right, of course. shakespeare. >> who you met >> al: william shakespeare, the legendary playwright. >> are not a literature guy, i'm a scientist. and how about this little tidbit, president abraham lincoln, shot in the head. >> al: by john wilkes booth. >> i'm not a historian, i'm a scientist, al! you think they just give this lab coat to anyone?

no! and that's why through empirical evidence i now know how jfk died also. >> al: we know he was shot in the head. because what the [bleep]! did someone week this report to you? >> al: no, it's just that your science only seems to be confirming well-known historical facts. ago okay. i bet you didn't know how queen elizabeth died. >> al: she was 96, so i'm guessing natural causes. >> no! meth overdose! turns out the old girl couldn't handle a little kensington crank at her age. and that's a lesson for all you kids out there. don't wait too long to try meth. [laughter] >> al: that is a terrible lesson, michael! michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] all right. when we come back, i will tell you why taxes are good, so don't

go away. [cheers and applause]

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you have no idea how good you've got it. huh? what a time to be alive. introducing the next generation 10g network. only from xfinity. the future starts now. [cheers and applause] >> al: welcome back! welcome back to "the daily show." well, it's tax season, or as donald trump calls it, "would you get off my back already!" and biden administration administration has been making a big effort to make tax season a bit less painful. the inflation reduction act, which the president signed last august, includes $80 billion in new funding for the irs to hire new employees and upgrade its technology, and it's working. the irs is doing much better at processing our returns and answering her questions about

how to file correctly, and that's great. better enforcement of tax laws needs more money for all the many, many things the government does. social security, medicare, infrastructure, not to mention scraping off the feces smeared on the capital while by the proud boys. clearly the new funding is long overdue. in addition to paying for immensely popular programs, it will help reduce the deficit, so everybody has got to be happy about this. everybody, right? am i right? [cheers and applause] >> democrats want to spend $80 billion to hire 87,000 more armed irs agents to terrorize americans. >> they want to at 87,000 irs agents that can use deadly force to go after american families buried >> they want to turn the irs into the gestapo. >> they are arming up the irs like they are preparing to take fallujah. >> a little like james bond but instead of hunting down evil maniacs, these agents hunt down and killed middle-class taxpayers that don't pay enough.

[laughter] >> al: what on earth are these people talking about? if you forget to carry the one while you're calculating your return, will the irs actually come to your house, break down the door, and gone down your entire family? [laughter] in a word, no. in six words, of course not, you republican idiots! [cheers and applause] so let's talk about what the irs money is really going for. in another installment of "long story short." [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ the administration is trying to fix a whole host of problems that began back in 2011 after republicans in congress started cutting the irs's budget.

since then, the irs's audit rate has dropped almost 60% in the number of irs agents, the same number we had in 1954, when the country's population was half the size it is today. of and pediatricians treated sick children by prescribing them menthol cigarettes. and the combination of understaffing and stone age technology has resulted in a very weird situation. >> you're more likely to be audited in united states if you make $20,000 a year than if you make $500,000 a year. >> the less money you have, the easier it is for the irs to come after you. this is because the irs doesn't have enough money to hire the highly trained investigators needed to go head-to-head with the wealthy. ultimately, it's easier for them to audit lower income people because it's cheap, can be done by mail, and doesn't take a lot of time.

[boos] >> al: can you believe that? the irs is so understaffed that they audit poor people more than the wealthy because they just don't have the experts to handle the most complex returns. they are going after poor people because it's easier. it's like a comic only does "your mama" jokes. sure, it's easy, but at what cost to my mama? [laughter] [applause] her life is difficult enough. do you know how hard it is to find a belt size of the equator? [laughter] so how much money in lost taxes are we talking about here? according to the former head of the irs, it could be as much as

$1 trillion a year. to put that in perspective, stacked trillion $1 bills on top of each other, it would blow away. it would be ridiculous to even try that. the solution is pretty simple -- [laughter] comparatively speaking, just adequately fund the irs so it can improve its enforcement capabilities and collect that extra trillion dollars. [cheers and applause] you would think republicans would love an extra trillion dollars in revenue. they are the ones were always complaining that america is spending money that we don't have worried >> politicians in washington cannot stop ending money that we don't have. >> let's live in reality.

we have a spending problem. we have a dramatic spending problem. >> if you had a child and you give them a credit card and they kept getting the limit, you wouldn't just keep increasing it. you would first see what you spending your money on. so we are going to look at every single dollar spent, we are going to audit it. >> if you're going to have a party, you have to pay the band. [laughter] >> al: come on, senator, you don't have to have a band at a party. just hire your nephew's roommate to be a d.j. [laughter] just think what we could do with an extra trillion dollars a year. we could begin to retire our national debt and balance our budget. or we could do some new things that would be worthy of a great nation. we could have universal pre-k. [cheers and applause] or subsidized child care they do everywhere else.

[cheers and applause] we could eliminate federal income taxes completely for the bottom 90% of american households. [cheers and applause] in this -- this isn't just lefty liberal pie-in-the-sky stuff with a trillion dollars rate of we could do -- we could fund an entirely new iraq war. [laughter] and why are we the only [bleep] country that doesn't have -- developed country that doesn't have universal health care? [cheers and applause] and it doesn't have to be single-payer. we can have a public option, which we should have [bleep] done in the first place, lieberman! [applause] the point is, polling shows that 93% of americans believe it's every american's civic duty to pay their taxes and i think you can guess who the other 7% are.

[applause] so let's give the irs the resources to make sure that everybody does what we all should do for the right of living in this great country, a nation that we can make even better if we do the [bleep] rational thing and collect the taxes that people actually owe. [cheers and applause] all right, all right. all right, stay tuned, because when we come back, bendelacreme will be joining us, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> al: welcome back to -- welcome back to "the daily show"! by guest tonight as a writer, producer, and director you know from "rupaul's drag race." [cheers and applause] he's here to talk about the drag defense fund, which benefits the aclu's lgbtq+ rights work. please welcome bendelacreme! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ welcome! welcome! >> i had no idea! this is so lovely, i didn't of the audience was going to go so

crazy. [cheers and applause] i didn't know what would happen after lindsey graham. [laughter] >> al: ... i think there are a lot of people objecting to drag without even having any idea what it is. let's talk about tennessee. it's the first state, i think, to explicitly ban -- >> the first place that it passed, yeah. >> al: drag shows. now it's happening all over the place, right? this is some new thing they've invented, i'm sure that most of the republicans who are -- they find stuff every once in a while to go after, and i bet you most of them don't know what this is about at all. have any idea. what is there thing about?

>> yeah, i mean, what is this about is kind of the biggest question because it's all so vague. these bills are terrifying because the language is so open-ended, and they are -- a lot of -- a lot of these people don't understand what these drag shows are and they don't have to because this is all kind of coded language for an attack on the lgbtqia+ community. in the wording of this will talks about drag as adult entertainment, which is insidious within itself to say that someone dressing this way is only appropriate for adults when they are not doing anything that is adult oriented. in the idea that children are somehow going to be made more queer by access to queer culture. i mean, i was very queer without any access. [laughter] and when i finally found drag, which is where -- you know, it

was not like "that's a cool job, i want to do that when i grow up it's "there's a container for who i am. there is something out there for me," and not save my life. suicide rates among queer kids and suicidal ideation is more than half of trans and nonbinary kids, suicidal ideation, which when i heard that statistic i would like that seems low because every queer person i know has thought about suicide in their youth and i barely made it out of my childhood but i did because i had a little bit of access to this glimpse of the world outside that would accept me for who i am and not just in spite of who i am, but because of who i am. [cheers and applause] >> al: thank you! thank you! you can support the aclu's work by donating at the link below.

we are going to take a quick break, but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [bacon sizzles] [bacon sizzles] ♪ [electronic music plays] ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> al: that's our show for tonight, and that's time as your host, but stay tuned next week, when your host will be john leg was normal! [cheers and applause] john leguizamo! check out the al franken podcast. let me out, they don't want me to do this, we're short on time. i can't tell you how great it's been working with these folks all week. they've just been great!

[applause] i'm just sorry trump wasn't indicted. [laughter] now here it is coming your moment of zen. >> the oreo is such a delicious cookie. >> i like mine with coffee. musical physical >> it taste like an it tastes like an oreo! - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪