wowie. look at that jersey. turn it around. turn it around. cool. oh. show it. great. from dwight. number one! thank you, dwight. that's great. thanks. michael, this is from all of us. oh, you didn't need to do that. night swept. this is really amazing. thank you. i love it. michael's birthday was actually pretty cool. it was a good day. i don't know. it was a good day. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, john leguizamo! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> john: yo, yo, what's up! welcome to "the daily show." i'm john leguizamo. and, yo, it's my last day here, oh, yeah. it's been amazing man. i've just been having fun, goofin', speaking out on topics i care about. there's no amount of money that could match this feeling. but if you're feeling generous... [shakes jar] and i also take venmo. all right, we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] all right, we've had such a heavy week of news, so i thought we would wrap up some things this week with some lighthearted news that is really going to put a smile on your face.

>> we are interrupting this package right now because we have some breaking news and it is historic news out of lower manhattan right now, a federal jury, a grand jury has voted to indict former president trump, the first time ever a former president has been criminally charged. [cheers and applause] >> john: yeah! whoo! that's right! [cheers and applause] yeah, yeah! that's right! that's right! that's right, lady justice grabbed trump by the pussy. [cheers and applause] and you know, i take a firm stance against mass incarceration, okay? but for this, i am willing to make an exception. i just hope they take it easy on him and put him at least in a

cell with his lawyer. but hey, let this be a lesson to all you kids out there, okay? if you commit fraud to cover up an affair with a porn star, the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years. and a full term as president. now i know we are all going to see him put in handcuffs but we don't know how it's all going to go down. the report is that they are going to try to negotiate his surrender. either that or they will leave a trail of big mans leading to the prison. and a lot of pundits, like lindsey graham, are saying this is going to be good for trump. [bleep], why don't you get arrested and see if it is good for you? [cheers and applause] shit. anyway, we don't know when this will actually arrest him or how it is going to pan out but hey, maybe going to prison might be good for trump, maybe what he needs because at least in prison, he will be able to

pursue his greatest passions: reading, working out, and converting to islam. all right. [laughs] there is still other stuff going on, so let's shift gears and talk about fox news. i know, i know, look, i know. but you know what? i think they've gotten a bad rap. seriously. everyone's saying that they're propaganda, they're not a real organization, but i think that's all a misunderstanding. in fact, if you can prove to me that fox news intentionally lies to its viewers, i'll shave my beard. >> another stunning new filing in the dominion lawsuit against fox. newly revealed emails showing fox news chief executive suzanne scott lashing out in an email after a correspondent fact-checked trump's election lies. >> she said, "this has to stop" and goes on to say "this is bad business, and there clearly is a lack of understanding what is happening in these shows. the audience is furious, and we are just feeding them material.

bad for business." [cheers and applause] >> john: well, that will teach me. i guess i lost. but yeah, fox news got mad at their fact-checker. i didn't even know they had a fact-checker. it's like hearing there's a head of diversity at the kkk. and secondly, what kind of news network gets mad when their journalists do journalism? one of their reporters could win a pulitzer prize and his boss would be like, "do you know how bad this looks for us? you better go on air and say hillary clinton is a vampire lesbian or you're fired." yo, i can't wait to see what other things fox admits to in these emails. we're a few weeks away from finding out sean hannity does a

drag story hour at his local kindergarten. [applause] yeah, yeah. and finally, let's move onto a big story about artificial intelligence. i know, i know. everyone's scared of it. but you know what? i think ai has gotten a bad rap. no, no, seriously. in fact, if you can show me that any actual experts in technology are worried that ai is going to take over the world, i'll shave my pubes. >> this morning, a warning from elon musk and other tech industry experts about the power of artificial intelligence. musk and hundreds of influential names, including apple co-founder steve wozniak, are calling for a pause in experiments, saying, ai poses a dramatic risk to society unless there's proper oversight. tech industry leaders posed these existential questions: should we develop nonhuman minds that might eventually outnumber, outsmart, obsolete, and replace us? should we risk loss of control

of our civilization? musk and others are asking developers to stop the training of ai systems more powerful than gpt4 for at least six months so that safety protocols can be established. [clippers buzzing] >> john: i got to stop making these stupid promises before i go to news clips. [cheers and applause] but yes, that's right, ai is getting too powerful. as soon as it knows how to pick which of these images is a bike, we are [bleep]. now for more on ai's threat to humanity, we go live to chatgpt headquarters where desi lydic is joining us! [cheers and applause]

wow. [cheers and applause] wow. desi, why does it look like you are dressed for a war? >> because i am dressed for a war. and also, there was a sale dick's sporting goods. mostly a war thing. it is us versus the machines and it is time to pick a side. >> john: desi, why are you so eager to go to war with ai? >> come on, john. war with the machines is inevitable. so let's do it now while it is still a chat bot instead of waiting until as a bloodthirsty kill bot. look, if there is one thing i learned from working at chuck e. cheese, it's a lot easier to fight a child than an adult. >> john: i don't know, i don't know. desi, war with ai sounds like a really bad idea. >> no way! war with ai would give humanity a common purpose. we're so divided right now,

russia versus ukraine, democrats versus republicans, selena gomez fans versus hailey bieber fans. but now, it's us versus the machines! versus hailey bieber fans. >> john: hey, desi, ai is getting more powerful by the day. what if we start this war, then immediately lose it? >> i am pretty sure you never lose a war that you start. but if we do, then we are going out together, john. you and me, in a bunker, with two cyanide pills. i take them both and you strangle yourself with your bare hands. >> john: oh, come on, couldn't i have one of the cyanide pills? >> no, it was my idea. i get them both. >> john: come on, desi, you're getting ahead of yourself, for all we know, ai could lead humanity to a new golden age of something. >> oh, sweet john, sweet, naive,

pubeless john leguizamo. take it from me. humans and robots can never coexist. like i said to my manager at chuck e. cheese's, i would rather die on my feet than live one more day in this animatronic hellscape. so clean the piss out of the ball pit yourself, doug, i quit! >> john: desi lydic, everybody. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back, we'll talk about what's really happening at the border. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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and broccoli pancakes, and broccoli ice cream, and broccoli hotdogs, and of course, they have raw unseasoned broccoli..... with stems. -daddy, i don't want to go to las vegas with you and mommy tomorrow. oh, are you sure? are you sure you don't want to go,

ozzy, are you going to help me pack these boxes or what? we've got a flight to england! hang on, sharon. i want to plug in my playstation vr2. is that a friendly dinosaur? (roaring) oh my god! what the... (screeching) (screaming) oh, no! sharon! rated "t" for teen. (laughing) this is amazing! electronic voice: playstation. - [both] so hungry. this is amazing! - grubhub? speaking my language. - [both] go for grubhub. (upbeat music) - thank you grubhub. how about, uhh, '80s music? let's do it. yeah. yeah, let's. ♪♪

text from: mom. good luck on your date. she looks like a keeper. exclamation point. oh, that's uh—that's embarrassing. text from: mom. did you borrow dad's foot spray? text from: mom. does she come from money? hashtag sugar mama. text from: mom. text from: mom. text from: mom. whoa! sfx: [crunch] text from: mom. bride emoji. groom emoji. baby emoji. tostitos® hearty dippers™. [cheers and applause] >> john: welcome back to "the daily show." tonight, i want to talk about the scariest topic you'll ever hear about on the campaign trail: the southern border! [thunder cracks] wait, sorry, that was the wrong sound effect. the southern border! [mariachi music plays]

see? that's not so scary! it's all about how you frame it. because whenever americans hear about the border, it's always so negative. but the truth is, america's southern border has a rich history, steeped in cross-cultural pollination. because for thousands of years, that area has been the grand central station of the continent. in fact, for well over a century, america had no barrier at all on its border. and when they finally put one up, it had nothing to do with people. >> in the early 1900s, ticks are causing disease among cows in rural areas. those cows are crossing back and forth over the border. so the first ever border fence is actually built to keep cows from spreading disease. >> john: that's right: the first border fence was to keep out ticks. if the one time it wasn't racist to say, "we got to stop these filthy animals from crossing over here." and that is just one of many

things people get wrong when it comes to america's southern border. so i thought tonight, we could separate border myths from border facts in another installment of "long story short." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] look, we can talk about numbers or figures, or demographics, but the immigration debate is never about facts, it's about fear. "hordes of machete-wielding illegals pouring over the border to take your job and put fentanyl in your guacamole. that's why it always costs extra!" yo, this type of rhetoric isn't meant to solve any problems. it's meant to dehumanize immigrants into zombie criminals, because then all you'll want to do is to "build the wall!" the phrase made famous by the man who might have to hold his next inauguration in prison cafeteria. >> most illegal immigration is coming from our southern border.

>> we will build a great wall and we will stop illegal immigration for good. >> we'll build a wall, folks, don't even worry about it. go to sleep. go home, go to sleep, rest assured. >> john: go to sleep? go to sleep? this is the worst bedtime story ever. no wonder these kids are so [bleep] up. [cheers and applause] now to hear trump tell it, a wall would put a stop to illegal immigration. but that's a myth, because the truth is, these days, a majority of undocumented immigrants come into the country legally and then just overstay their visas. that means most illegal immigration doesn't start at the rio grande, it starts at the airport between the cinnabon and the baggage claim. by the way, donald trump of all

people, i thought you would understand wanting to stay longer than you are supposed to. yep. [cheers and applause] here's another myth. because for some demagogues, brown people coming to america isn't scary enough on its own. so there's one specific type of immigrant that they want to scare you about: the drug smugglers. >> illegal immigrants from mexico who are trafficking these pills that look like candy for children into the country. >> they're carrying drugs on their back. they are bringing fentanyl. >> those people are bringing in fentanyl, which is killing thousands of americans every month. >> it's not like fentanyl walks across the border by itself. it comes with illegal immigrants. >> john: of course fentanyl doesn't walk across the border by itself! do you know the street value of fentanyl? that bitch drives a caddy.

but yeah, they want to scare you about the hordes of criminals coming across the border to profit off of our opioid crisis, which is messed up. 'cause that's what we have pharmaceutical companies for! but the truth is that only .02% of people arrested by border patrol for crossing illegally had fentanyl on them. but guess who is being arrested for smuggling fentanyl? american citizens. they're 86% of convicted fentanyl traffickers. so when you think about a fentanyl trafficker, think less about this, and more about this. "bro, dude, i got fentanyl up my ass, i got it my ears, up my nose. i wish i had another orifice, i'd pack it full of fentanyl. but you know how it goes, bro." and here's the bigger point i'm trying to make: the vast, vast majority of undocumented immigrants do not sell drugs, they do not shoot

people, they do not commit terrorism, they do not commit any crimes! they're human beings searching for a better life. [cheers and applause] and they don't want to get in trouble, especially since they don't want to get caught and be deported. i'm the same way! when i'm a guest in someone's house, i'm on my best behavior: i take off my shoes, i hold in my farts, i bring a bottle of sauvingnon blanc. but when i'm in my own house? i am in the living room terrorizing the couch with my bare balls. that's a different story. we shot that before i shave the beard. anyway, here's another myth these demagogues say: that migrants are stealing american jobs. >> when you have a wide open border and you got millions of

illegal aliens coming into our country, where do you think those people are going to do? they're going to go take jobs that could have otherwise been american jobs. >> millions of american jobs are disappearing at the hands of illegal immigrants. >> joe biden's 5 million illegal aliens are on the verge of replacing you, replacing your jobs. >> john: yeah! these immigrants are taking all the jobs! food jobs, farm jobs, steve jobs -- all of them! these demagogues want you to believe that if you lost your job, it's not because of corporate outsourcing, or automation, or the destruction of unions, or cost cutting to maximize profits for shareholders. no, it's jose's fault! shame on you, jose! but the truth is, undocumented immigrants are mostly filling jobs that americans have no interest in doing. i mean, are you gonna tell me there are americans just lining

up, wishing they could pick vegetables in the sun all day? america is a trip, man. work, au want to do all of the field work? [cheers and applause] so, long story short, we can debate about the border but we cannot dehumanize these people. that is not going to lead to the right policies, that is only going to lead to tragedies. the next time you hear people scare-mongering you about the border, remember they're not preaching facts, they're promoting fear. and that's the only wall they've built: the one between themselves and reality. [cheers and applause] all right, when we come back,

i'll be joined by congressman richie torres. you don't want to miss it. [cheers and applause]

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my advice, in this one very specific case is to definitely put all your reese's eggs in one basket. and that your basket be enormous. oh, and that your basket have wheels, so you can roll it around from place to place. oh booking.com, ♪ i'm going to somewhere, anywhere. ♪ ♪ a beach house, a treehouse, ♪ ♪ honestly i don't care ♪ find the perfect vacation rental for you booking.com, booking. yeah. [cheers and applause] >> john: welcome back to

"the daily show." my guest tonight represents parts of the bronx in the united states congress. please welcome democratic representative ritchie torres! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ wow! you know, we just had breaking news, donald trump has been voted to be indicted by a grand jury. first president to be indicted, former first president to be indicted. what are your thoughts? >> donald trump announced on truth social that he has been "indicated" rather than indicted. [laughter] >> john: no spell check for the president. >> he probably should have chatgpt help put that together. donald trump -- >> john: i know. >> donald trump has been a pathological liar and lawbreaker his whole life. and has gotten away with it.

[applause] >> john: oh, yeah. >> like, he is a master of he is facing the accountability he deserves. [cheers and applause] but -- >> john: i want to see the perp walk, that is the only thing i'm dying to see. >> i will confess, of all the crimes he is committed in his life, i never thought of my wildest dreams that he would be taken down by hush payments for a porn star. >> john: true that. >> he is the al capone of american politics. >> john: for real. well put. you are the first openly gay afro-latino congressman. >> outing me publicly. >> john: whoa, whoa. i would never do that, i would never do that. you are part of the hispanic caucus, the black caucus, the equity caucus, don't you think all of these caucuses should caucus together into one ginormous caucus? how would that caucus be? >> for us, diversity is not a source of division, it is a source of unity. >> john: it should be. >> the house democratic caucus

is the most diverse legislative caucus in american history. 70% of the caucus consists of members of the lgbtq community, women, people of color, the house democratic caucus has more diversity and intersectionality than george santos. >> john: [laughs] speaking of george santos -- >> by the way, george santos and i were the only gay latinos in the new york congressional delegation, so we are very close. >> john: does he pretend that he is somebody else when you try to talk to him? >> you know, i avoid him. >> john: [laughs] you're the one that avoids. that's what i thought. >> i have trouble keeping track of his lies. his life story is the greatest fiction in the history of congressional politics. >> john: oh, my god, so true. so true, so true, man. now we had the terrible shooting this week. i wanted to ask you about gun reform. republicans, they don't want to support background checks, what do we do about this? how do we deal with them?

>> look, whenever there is a mass shooting, republicans are quick to bring up mental illness. every society on earth has mental illness. we are the only wealthy country that has an epidemic of gun violence and mass shootings. >> john: true that, true that. [applause] >> let's be clear, it is not an inevitability, it is a public policy choice. we as a society have chosen to put our own children at risk of gun violence and there are republicans who claim we are powerless because there is evil in the world. and my view is, if you are too powerless to protect children from mass murder, then you have no business being in congress. >> john: yes! [cheers and applause] that is why i voted for you! >> thank you. if you voted for me without being in my district, that is voter fraud. >> john: that's why i campaigned for you. [laughs] that is why the docuseries, on "leguizamo does america," you are in my third episode. thank you, ritchie, that was a blast, man. >> appreciate it.

thank you. [cheers and applause] >> john: we are going to take a quick break. we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ as a business owner, your bottom line is always top of mind. so start saving by switching to the mobile service designed for small business: comcast business mobile. flexible data plans mean you can get unlimited data or pay by the gig. all on the most reliable 5g network, with no line activation fees or term contracts... saving you up to 75% a year. and it's only available to comcast business internet customers.

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[cheers and applause] >> john: well, that's our show for tonight. that was my time as your host. but stay tuned because next week, your host is going to be roy wood jr.! [cheers and applause] and if you want to see more of me, please tune into my new six part series, "leguizamo does america." take a look. >> yo, i want to wear this! come on! >> look at this. >> look at that! >> dude, what about one of th these? >> that is like papi likes math, a couple pencils, protractor. >> what about this one? >> referee, gucci. when you guys play soccer, i say, you've got a foul. there is a fight.

okay, guys. fight over. keep your hands to yourself. hey, stop fighting, stop fighting. neither one of us are tall enough. >> it is like high-fiving an nba player. >> what's up, shaq? [cheers and applause] >> john: okay, you can watch this streaming on peacock starting sunday, april 16th, 10:00 p.m. eastern. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> is it true that you have an onlyfans page and you can peel a banana with your feet? >> i don't have one. i will indulge you this. i just discovered what onlyfans was about three weeks ago when it was brought up in a discussion in my office. >> what did you think? >> i was oblivious to the whole concept. [laughter] [laughter] iguana jerky? -no, thanks. -you sure? it's a rare -and cantankerous delicacy. -i'm good. well, i got plenty of different varieties in my billfold, if that's what floats your apple. let's see.