[cheers and applause] >> roy: that's our show for tonight but to before we go, please consider donating to the garden program at troy university in alabama. the program partners college students with female inmates at the prison to teach about horticulture and nutrition. if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> donald trump has called for america to defund the police. particularly the fbi, the department of justice, because the democrats have weaponized law enforcement. all right. who in this panel, raise your hand, who thinks that's a good idea? all right, nobody. ♪ ♪ >> american airlines entertainment: hope you like the 3rd and 9th episode of the goldbergs. >> tonight on tooning out the news, the conservative hot take

battles the culture wars, saying liberals are anti-family for trying to separate a hardworking dad like trump from the helpless middle-aged sons he hates. then the liberal virtue signal asks tiffany haddish whether the "girls trip" sequel will be more climate conscious by having jada pinkett smith zipline-pee over drought stricken farmland. but first, donald trump is indicted, and republicans called a political hit job before pushing for a fourth branch of government exclusively devoted to investigating hunter biden. it's time for some big news. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ good evening, i'm james smartwood and i'm starting to think i did not get cast in the barbie movie. top story: tonight, a nation is in shock after witnessing what is supposed to happen actually happened: a guy who committed crimes got arrested. the former president pled not guilty to 34 charges related to hush money payments that he's converted into a massive fundraising haul, marking the first time a trump investment actually made a profit. after returning home to his off

wife and bedbugs, trump said this. >> and this is where we are right now: i have a trump hating judge with a trump hating wife and family whose daughter worked for kamala harris. >> trump there laying the ground work for his insanity plea by openly threatening the judge and his family. meanwhile, republicans are not contesting trump's guilt, despite the holy unrealistic premise that trump is comfortable removing his clothes, and instead downplaying the charges as politically motivated. >> people view this as a political person of the action -- pierce kirsch end. >> political tenor. >> political vengeance. >> political prisoner. >> political persecution. >> political witch hunt. >> yes, republicans are right. wielding the law against an individual for political gain is an outrage, but it's totally chill when you do it against millions of people. >> republicans in florida look

good to limit access. >> and with most felons, state republicans enacted new restrictions. >> undercut in iowa, we have seen pass and kentucky and missouri, and >> in their defense, at least new hampshire is coming next. all those people who suffered generational trauma from that weaponization didn't have to share a three-hour flight with eric trump. joining me now to drive a convertible to headlines valley, drink red facts at a truth vinyard and get in a blowout fight when sarah drunkenly admits she slept with your ex-scoop, is democratic strategist who has a recurring nightmare where pete buttigieg points out a typo on her resume, lydia parker. >> good evening. >> chief washington bureau chief and sneezy guy at the orgy, jonathan keene. >> hello. >> chief field correspondent who music teachers instinctively handed the triangle, james smartwood jr. >> hey dad. >> and new york times columnist and tooning out contributor who is the existential opposite of las vegas, nevada, charles blow. thank you for being here, charles. >> thank you for having me. >> charles, please tell us the tale of the time when dragons and griffins roamed the earth and the law was not used as a political weapon. >> well, you know, it's very

interesting to hear everyone screaming now about whether or not this is a political prosecution. you know, politicians and the law are completely intertwined in all of this, so it's impossible to, to kind of extricate the two or separate the two from each other. uh, if president trump regains the presidency, you know, god forbid, he would then be in charge of the justice department. uh, alvin bragg has to run a political campaign to get the office that he now holds that allows him to do this. so politics, i take that into that is separate from the fact of whether or not this man committed crimes or not. and all of the people who are defending him are saying that this case is slim or that they used a novel, uh, approach to the, to this particular charge. none of them are saying that he didn't do these things, which are crimes, in new york. >> it's fair for maga republicans to compare trump's political persecution to that of nelson mandela. 'long walk to freedom' was about how he cheated on his wife, melania mandela.

>> well, if this is how it's gonna go, i guess there's no point in my becoming a billionaire, so forget it. >> yeah. >> i was gonna do it. >> you know, trump's followers once chanted "lock her up" and now their guy might actually get locked up. the irony is delicious. >> cool. >> not to, uh, belabor this, but how delicious is the irony? >> uh, it's fine, i guess. i mean, it's -- >> well, why can't you admit it's delicious? why are you withholding? >> what do you -- keene, what do you need me to say for you to stop doing this? >> i need you to say the irony is delicious. >> and... and what if i don't? >> you know, james, if you could just reach out and taste some of this irony and tell me whether you think it's delicious or not? >> it's just a truism, it's not even the -- he's in mar-a-lago right now. it's not even this, he's not even locked up. >> but were he to be locked up -- >> right. >> delicious? >> just say it, it's not worth all this. >> pretend it's a sandwich and say it's delicious. >> the irony's delicious. >> there you go. >> everyone happy?

>> okay, alright. yes! >> no, i take it back after that celebration. >> dammit. >> now charles, you blew your shot at a trump cabinet appointment when you wrote in the new york times about the trump case. "the eyes of the country are on these cases. the eyes of all those who've been badgered for minor violations who've had the book thrown at them for crimes that others either got away with or served no time for." that prompted the former president to retreat to his study, gather his thoughts, then vomit onto his white supremacist bee hive, truth social "racist columnist charles blowhard of the failing new york times, a sick degenerate who doesn't like our country or the values that made it great, prior to its massive failure over the last two years, writes that i should be prosecuted by radical left soros-backed lunatics even without evidence because i'm white." charles, trump's voters are ferocious consumers of the new york times op-ed page. are you concerned this will hurt your readership?

>> not at all. i'm not concerned with his whiteness as it relates to this particular charge. i'm concerned with his wrongness as it relates to this charge. and if he has committed a crime, he deserves to be prosecuted just like any other person would. america has a chance that right now to live up to the ideas that it has crafted for itself. it can live up to them or it can fall, uh, short of them. and this is a test for the country. we have to see if america is willing to or able to pass that test. >> don't take it personally, charles. i'm certain trump saw the "blowhard" nickname opportunity and worked his way backward to reading the op-ed from there. >> certainly possible. now for more on how the trump indictment affects the race for the 2024 republican nomination, let's go to junior who is at mar-a-lago. junior, what can you report? >> uh, my ears popped on the flight down here, so. >> okay. sorry to hear that. but what can you report on how other candidates are reacting to this indictment? >> oh, despite running against him, they are all coming to his

defense. >> and how so? >> well, nikki haley is offering to serve any possible sentence undergoing facial reconstruction surgery to look more like donald trump. >> wow, looks uncanny there. now how about mike pence? >> pence is claiming it was actually him, not trump, who had an affair with stormy daniels, insisting his sex drive is insatiable and proudly wearing a cod piece. >> karen cannot be happy about that. >> quite the contrary. >> now, desantis and trump had become rivals. is florida's governor coming to trump's defense? >> well, he sure is. he's distracting authorities keeping an eye on trump by hijacking an 18 wheeler and running down goofy. >> okay, i'm cheering for goofy on that one. it's a beautiful spring evening outside, so i'm gonna go home and eat pretzels in the tub, so that's all the time we have. now tyler, what politically expedient theory have you decided is an objective truth tonight? >> thanks, james. tonight we're on the front lines of the culture wars, starting with the cancellation of donald trump for his traditional view of marriage between wealthy men and getting away with crimes. and getting away with crimes. stick around.

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listen to your tv dad. drivers who switch and save with progressive save nearly $700 on average. >> hey, it's host whose first instinct is to sniff strangers' hands for treats, tyler templeton, alongside co-host with a roll cage on her toilet, bonnie davis; co-host who's the nation's only certified wombat super nanny, susan shepherd; and co-host who's king of the inappropriate adult kickball league tantrum, austin sparks. jeremy renner is stealing valor from americans like me who've been getting trapped under stuff for our entire lives. this is hot take. >> what's up, mommy issue mafia? even though you never served in combat, you can still get ptsd from seeing a lego girl in a wheelchair. it's time for dispatches from the culture wars! up first: the rule of law. the rule of law has gone woke, now unfairly targeting propeller-hatted innocent dunce

donald trump, just because he violated the law. trump attorney threatened with contempt to the next time he's late to court because he can't decide on the right pinky ring, joe tacopina, said it best. >> we all know, had donald trump not been donald trump and was john smith, this never would've been brought. >> that attorney who spent billable hours figuring out when the avn porn awards airs is right. trump is guilty, but this guy he made up is also guilty, therefore, trump is innocent. panel, back me up. >> this charade is ridiculous. they're indicting trump for paying off a mistress when a real criminal, like the guy who incited the january 6th riot, still runs free. >> liberals think they can break trump by sending him to prison, but he's been mentally preparing himself for this by living in rooms decorated by melania. >> now obviously, we need to break trump outta jail, which is why i have dug a hole in the studio. i dug four feet down, and since earth is a sphere, if trump digs four feet as well, we'll meet in

the earth's hollow center where we will enjoy iron-infused hormel chili concentrate together. next up, rainbows! school administrators in wisconsin have rightfully forbade class of first graders from singing dolly parton and miley cyrus's song "rainbowland" and kermit the frog's song, "rainbow connection" due to their overtly gay theme of colors existing. the administration had nixed the songs, deeming them controversial lyrics to "rainbowland" included the lines, "wouldn't it be nice to live in paradise, where we're free to be exactly who we are, and let's all dig down deep inside, brush the judgment and fear aside." in other words, let's all be gay. >> and why do they serve bread in cafeterias? bread is what grownups eat on big dates. quit sexualizing our kids with bread, perverts! >> everyone acts like kermit the frog is so innocent, but from day one, he and his puppeteer have been normalizing assplay.

>> just imagine what the liberals would say of conservatives made everyone sing a song honoring the american flag between every sporting and cultural event. >> so crazy. >> out of your gourd's! >> next up, the goose bumps books. the book series publisher scholastic is making so-called "sensitivity edits" to goosebumps, injecting our children with the dangerous belief that they shouldn't also be bullied by the books they read. "publisher scholastic has made more than 100 amendments, changing words such as 'plump' to 'cheerful', and replacing 'crazy' with 'silly'. scholastic said they made the changes to keep the language current and avoid imagery that could negatively impact a young person's view of themselves. this is too far. that's why we're proud to announce our new line of spooky conservative hot take goosebumps books, including the wolf man who painted his fingernails, attack of the mutant eric swalwell

and night of a thousand crimes in crime-riddled new york city where the da is funded by george soros. nonanti-semitic. alright, my tapeworm wants to watch twilight again, so let's wrap it there. when tooning out the news returns: virtue signal's liberal warrior kylie weaver asks special guest tiffany haddish whether the next "girls trip" movie will feature a stripper dressed like ukrainian president vladimir zelenskyy. that's ahead. yo, i got a sick hookup with the guy who puts the pins back at the bowling alley. who wants in? >> tuning out the news the podcas are you tired of clean clothes that just don't smell clean? downy unstopables in-wash scent boosters keep your laundry smelling fresh waaaay longer than detergent alone. if you want laundry to smell fresh for weeks, make sure you have downy unstopables in-wash scent boosters. black pumas “colors” ♪ with all my favorite colors, yes sir ♪ ♪ all my favorite colors, right on ♪

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♪ ♪ >> cadbury crème egg: is that the duke of cornwall waiting in the cvs self-checkout line? >> tonight, i welcome actress and comedian tiffany haddish to mark a sad, definitely not funny day in american history: a former president has been criminally indicted after a porn star said his junk looks messed. my friends, this is virtue signal. ♪ ♪ hi, i'm kylie weaver, and my favorite movie is so weird, you've probably never heard of it, it's "titanic." joining me in the echo chamber is former biden white house communications director who only watches entertainment media produced by either the obama's or royals, jordan polce. >> hello. >> former dnc chair who turned her daughter's bedroom into

excess pantyhose storage an hour after she left for college, charlotte fitzgerald. >> good evening. >> and lincoln project senior advisor whose go-to first date is showing her the hole in his mom's roof, troy lawson. >> hi, kylie. >> troy, read the room, it's a sad day. our former president, the job of the best person in the country, has been indicted, and like all liberals i'm going to treat it with us to solemnity it deserves despite having single-mindedly fantasized about it every waking moment until now. >> no time to celebrate. >> a sad time for america. >> i don't think we should celebrate this sad day. >> a somber moment. >> sad moment and a peerless moment. >> a grand historic moment. >> yes, we should take no joy whatsoever in the former president being held to account in the most embarrassing, hilarious crime imaginable. let's bring in our guest comedian and actress tiffany haddish. thank you for joining us, tiffany. >> thank you for having me, kylie. >> any time, girl.

now, tiffany, you're a comedian. explain why a porn star exposing the shape of trump's penis in vivid detail in the lead up to his criminal indictment is not funny. >> well, there's so many reasons why it could be funny, but it's not funny because, this is our former president and no president in the history of the united states of america has ever been, you know, hit with criminal charges like this. i think it's crazy that it's, that it, he's being charged with this when there's so many other things that he could be getting charged for. so, i mean the power of the pussy. >> that's literally my catchphrase. >> liberals must always stay above the fray and never celebrate holding the powerful to account, even though it's objectively good and popular, and they should run on it. >> this is great for democrats, trump being seen as barely punished by the justice system will make him completely unrelatable to the american

public. >> look, because we cannot celebrate the one good thing to ever happen, we will now drop balloons, sadly and solemnly and soberly. ♪ ♪ there. now, moving on, tiffany, you are starring in the biopic flowjo about legendary olympic sprinter, florence griffith >> that's crazy. >> yeah, i, i try not to brag about stuff like that, you know, but tiffany, what spoke to you about this story that will no doubt inspire extremely young girls like myself to follow their dreams? >> well, this story inspired me so much because, uh, florence influenced me. i ran track and field in high school, um, and she did amazing things. she made being an athlete beautiful. she made it look fun, and she was really the, the catalyst to getting endorsement deals for female athletes.

>> also, it's a great time to inspire women to start running since soon they'll have to go on the lamb if their period doesn't match what the government has on file. >> you know, i love this tiffany, because you are not only training for the film, but also for after the film. when you need to outrun psychos who think black women's stories should never be told. >> tell it girl, tell it. >> tell it girl. >> now tiffany, you may not know this, but as a record holder for the most pickles eaten in one sitting, i can't wait to see how you tackle the burdens of fame. >> mm-hmm, we all have a lot in common. now, moving on, tiffany, i'm so excited that you'll be starring in the upcoming sequel to the iconic 2017 movie girls trap. after this groundbreaking interview, obviously we will be best friends and go on our own girls trip. so let's plan it right now. you in? >> i'm in. let's go. >> yes. this is going to be so fun. okay, first up, where should we go? somewhere where we can forget the troubles of the world and just like relax.

>> mm, i think we should, i think we should go to fiji. >> fiji, yes. okay. that sounds so fun. but fun for me is actually going to south america to plant trees in the amazon after it was decimated by jair bolsonaro. but, but okay, let's do your idea. fiji is pretty good too. but how are we gonna get there? partying on a private jet, maybe? >> no, i was thinking maybe we could go by boat, like a cruise. >> oh, okay. yes, cruise. like a giant, like a giant cruise ship. >> that's, that's really fun. but it's also kind of a lot of carbon emissions, so maybe i'll canoe there. and also on the way i'll pick up some refugees, but i will see you there once i've hired them a human rights attorney. okay. now who else would you invite, no wrong answers? >> i would invite jordan and charlotte. and maybe we should invite michelle obama.

>> okay. yes. jordan, charlotte and michelle obama. but honestly, i would actually invite those refugees that i mentioned earlier and the late tony morrison. but to be honest, so many people are struggling to afford groceries. i can't imagine going on some decadent girls trip right now. please don't be mad at me. are you mad at me? >> no, girl. i am not mad at you. >> good, cause i couldn't deal with that feeling rain forest saving or whatever i said earlier. okay. i'm off to direct my very first music video. ah! ah! so let's wrap it there. >> can i be a dancer in your music video? >> of course, girl, you could be the one dancer. i only want one person dancing behind me and then me in front singing. okay. thank you. thank you. thank you to my guest and my new bestie and my new background dancer, tiffany haddish. thank you, tiffany. >> hey, thank you. thank you. >> she stars in "haunted mansion" coming to theaters this summer.

when "tooning out the news" announcement about what trump's indictment means for the future of this show. might wanna get some tissues that's ahead. >> follow "tooning out the news" >> follow "tooning out the news" kelly has 2 choices, a honeybaked ham that's been slow smoked, hand glazed, and spiral sliced, or a kelly baked ham. nobody wants a kelly baked meal, not even kelly. make your easter golden, only from the honeybaked ham company. the busch guide: cold and smooth survival skills. if you encounter a black bear, do not run.

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♪♪ text from: mom. good luck on your date. she looks like a keeper. exclamation point. oh, that's uh—that's embarrassing. text from: mom. did you borrow dad's foot spray? text from: mom. does she come from money? hashtag sugar mama. text from: mom. text from: mom. text from: mom. whoa! sfx: [crunch] text from: mom. bride emoji. groom emoji. baby emoji. tostitos® hearty dippers™. ha-ha! it was me the whole time. -whoo-hoo! -well done, ma'am. with snapshot from progressive, you get a personalized discount for being a safe driver. say "snapshot savings!" [ camera shutter clicks ] ♪when i was but a child... eating heinz on spaghetti.♪ ♪i hoped and wished that i could be a grown-up already.♪

♪adulting sucks!♪ [background singers echo] ♪adulting sucks♪ ♪you have to eat healthy... all the time?♪ ♪but fortunately...♪ ♪your ketchup can be, no sugar added heinz.♪ ♪ let's be honest, ♪ the spicy crispy chicken sandwich should've been named the spicy mccrispy all along. ♪ ♪ ba da ba ba ba ♪ ♪ ♪ >> welcome back before we go. from day one, virtue signal's mission has been to fight for democracy in one very specific way, attacking donald trump for being orange, having small hands, and once tweeting hamberders. and now that he is being indicted for something to do with stormy daniels, who is a porn star, mr. family values, i've completed my mission and will leave virtue signal effective immediately. >> oh, no! >> i know, but this is for real and it's forever the new host,

based purely on merit and not who won't overshadow my legacy, will be troy lawson. >> hold on. my doctor says i'm barely qualified to be a door stop, let alone a news anchor. >> hey, you got this. i'm behind you. 100%. take it away. >> okay. uh, top story, y'all, nato secretary, general jens goldenburg, has welcomed finland into the world's largest military alliance, prompting morning from moscow that it would bolster its defenses- >> troy, troy. hey troy. what are you talking about? you haven't said cheeto once. you know this is a news show, right? right? >> i'm sorry. saltine: i can't believe the vatican hired us to find the ten commandments. this is huge. don't get your hopes up, saltine. every few years, the vatican hires an arky to search for the commandments based on some crazy new tip, but no one's ever found them.