>> jordan: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: please consider donating to the huntington disease society of america. a terrible disease that hits close to home to me. please donate at the link below. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> and i hope that you always support me with how important milk and the milk products are to the programs that you run. so just bear with me a moment here. it is so good. ♪ ♪ >> netflix, cut us some slack. we only have $150 million.

>> james: tonight on "tooning out the news." to the liberal virtue signals has democrats calling on dianne feinstein to retire for discriminating against employees right to work remotely from the coffin. then conservative hot take asking the daily show's if parents thomas should be okay exposing him to more progressive views than those held by his wife. but first a republican make a donor no longer seeing ron desantis as trump without the baggage due to having a charisma of an empty suitcase. it's time for some big news! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, man, i got stung by a stingray this weekend. >> that's terrible. it's be on its fine, and the end it will bring me on the stingray closer together. i am host james smartwood, to be on the safe side, i think voting machines are fantastic. republican make a donor's are

starting to think that ron desantis might not be that nasal voice charisma free children obsessed 2024 that they thought he was in a story sure to alleviate populous fears come in the nation is run by a shadowy cabal of rich people. rolling stone revealed donors questioning whether he has the minimum confidence to be an effect upon. quote "what the [bleep] is wrong with our d." after he did not have the publicity in the massive flooding in fort lauderdale area. those donors with the false impression that republican politicians focus on responding to statewide crises rather than credit rumors about khaki crisps turning kids gay, and a wealthy thing of desantis "because he stands on abortion a book banning, myself and friends are holding our powder dry." you know you are killing it when they are facing a star hush money bombshell and they are like, let's see how this plays out. and uncharacteristic generosity by putting ron desantis out of his misery with this ad.

>> ron desantis loves sticking his fingers where they don't belong. and we are not just talking about putting. desantis has his dirty fingers all over senior entitlement. and medicare. slashing social security. even raising our retirement age. tell ron desantis to keep his putting fingers off of our money. and some to get this man a >> james: . >> america great again inc. is responsible. >> james: and thinking this this ad can sway voters, then he is exactly right. joining me right now, ragtag gain of misfits to win the champion truth by showing the many headlines possible. this strategist kicked off for text chain performing chuck schumer spam lydia parker. chief borough chief who has only ever made love on murphy beds jonathan keene. chief failed correspondent who will be taking a shower with soap james smartwood jr. >> hey, dad prayed >> james:

and cnn host who on tv makes my wife interested in the news van joins. thank you for joining us. why has ron desantis been able to connect with voters or rich donors no matter how hard he uses the power of his office to stop the downtrodden? >> i just think he is famous for being in a fight with mickey mouse and disney world, but he seems to be living in his own fantasyland where as long as he is able to rile up the fox news audience he can be president of the united states. the reality is he is not popular. he beats a walking corpse to become the governor in florida. he did not have stiff competition. he has been bragging on that. he does not do well one-on-one with people, and his policies are coming in oh, more popular probably in afghanistan then they are the united states. >> james: he could go after an even lower rung of society,

going and karate chopping a bunch of chickens. >> desantis has been strong on technology. brilliantly transforming every issue facing the country and to a new form of trans-phobia. >> that pudding thing is crazy. you have to be in a high chair being fed by a grandma. >> i understand that his madness is us doing heinous things to further our ambitions, i know i have, terrible things. >> james: no, you haven't. >> i sure have, i have been a real terror. >> james: didn't you apologize once? >> when i am in the wrong i say so. >> james: a desantis super pac responded with the attack ad written by the political team that put jed bush to stardom. >> being attacked by the prosecutor in new york, so why is he spending millions attacking the governor of florida. chum stealing pages from the biden/pelosi playbook repeating lies about social security.

here's the truth from governor ron desantis. >> we will not mess with government security as republicans. >> at some point they will be. >> and defying democrats, not lying about the governor desantis. >> it's like nine hours long. >> james: great ad, trump's policy really going to think twice about voting for now. and what does an effective desantis ad on donald trump look like? is it a whiny defense of his record? >> what they probably have is he did not know how to fight. if he thinks he is going to be able to beat donald trump by splitting hairs about social security policy, he has not watched donald trump. you go after donald trump by going after things he really cares about. he is a vain man. you talk about his looks. you talk about his hair. you talk about his family. you do stuff that is going to throw him off his game. unfortunately, that is not in the ron desantis playbook. he stands behind a podium phoning reporters who are going to throw him softball questions and let them say mean stuff about people who are not there.

he is not prepared for this. >> i don't know about that ad, ever since watching the trump pudding ad, i believe all political ads must contain thinly veiled ads for butt stuff. >> it will be better if it plays in the corner of the pudding ad. >> that's a good idea. >> james: that's aptly better. i feel like it's a little bit big, can we make that smaller? >> that's an improvement. >> i like that. okay. >> james: let's try it out of curiosity. can we tried ten times smaller than that. >> that's nice. >> that's even better. >> no one paying attention to the desantis ad. >> james: maybe we get rid of it entirely? >> yeah, we are good. >> james: let's just watch those pudding ad. >> oh, that's nice. >> can we do pudding and pudding? >> there is an idea. >> james: if there would just be infinite pudding, that would

be great. look at that go. >> this is great. this is it. spin on the guys in the corner just recruited me for a brawl, so let's wrap it there. sorry we did not have time for the photos of the dominion voting machine blowing the fox news settlement out of ownership. thank you to my guest van jones. his documentary "the first step about crossing party lines to enact criminal justice reform" is available to stream now. kylie, what will you do when it affects your lifestyle tonight? >> thanks, james, tonight we go after democrats demanding senator feinstein step down, impossible to retire from a job you don't remember having. that's ahead. ♪ ♪ dove men invited dermatologists

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>> black rock, wheat houses. >> kylie: tonight we stand feminist icon dianne feinstein, because even one woman losing her seat in the senate is worse than all women using body autonomy. this is virtue signal. ♪ ♪ hi, i am kylie weaver, and i freaking love paula george, amal clooney's husband. democratic senator who has shingles and is ready to mingle on the river styx dianne feinstein is facing an avalanche of petty calls to resign just because she has not shown up to work since february. 58 senate votes, and a party to confirm liberal judges and is a illionaire. just listen to this backstabbing from democratic congressman ro khanna of california. an unregistered lobbyist for a

big spry. >> she has missed 75% of votes this year, she hasn't been showing up. and she has no intention. we don't know if she gets even going to show up. she has no return date. you need to have a deference to the senators who serve so long. how about a difference of the american people? >> kylie: why should we listen to ro khanna? he completely discredited himself when he went on some dumb cartoon show. he has. hang a report in the notorious gossip rag in "the new york times" which read ms. feinstein sometimes does not recall colleagues, has little recollection of meetings or telephone conversation and walks around in a state of embattled men. so she struggles with tiny details like her colleague's names. she has a big picture gal. she needs the biggest picture possible, and an aid to hold her head in place. luckily dianne feinstein has defenders all across the democratic party's insider belts leadership. >> senator should make their own

judgments about when they are retiring and when they are not. >> it's up to dianne feinstein an end her family to decide whether she wants to keep on serving. and she has had a remarkable record, and i respect that. >> yes, all of you voters out there if you are in line, stand line so you can protect women's rights unless we need to protect the pride of one rich lady. joining me in the echo chamber is former bright house wide white house by then interpreter jordan polls. former dnc chair convinced that bloomberg lieberman ticket would win 50 states charlotte fitzgerald. and senior advisor and oscar isaac falling from one floor to another troy lawson. >> hi, kylie. >> kylie: what attacks do they have two the other 89-year-old girls out there hoping to get their gnarled hoof in the door? >> it is toxic.

americans cannot tell dianne feinstein what to do, because her ears fell off. >> amen, what's so bad in walking around in a state about puzzlement? would you rather she walk around with a gun? of course not. >> senator feinstein, pick whatever ordinance you need from my bucket that is my thorax so you can stay in the senate forever. may be skeptical and income the doctor says it is -- but i insist on holding on -- >> kylie: troy, we -- >> the concern was it would turn evil, so they come with a crucifix. >> kylie: troy, we have to move on. in solidarity with her every day working class colleagues, former speaker nancy pelosi said this about a senators right to work well into rigor mortis. >> its work that is going after senator feinstein that way. i have never seen them go after a man who is sick in the senate in that way. >> kylie: that sentiment is echoed by the unbiased passengers on the feinstein -- dianne feinstein gravy train. it calls for her to quit as the

least of ageism, sexism, and unchecked political opportunism. those elder abusers are right, and it is also able us to insist you can't hold office just because you are ashes inside earth. >> it's also racist, since feinstein's skin turns blue everytime the temperature drops below 90 degrees. >> you never hear about joe biden's age except for in a poll saying nearly and seven in ten voters say that president biden is too old for another term. and more democrats agree than disagree with that assessment. i know that seems to prove voters don't want to be governed by leaders so old that they bruise when you breathed on them, but it actually proves that joe biden is a woman. >> can i say just one more thing? >> kylie: sure, but it cannot be about your. >> you are saying don't do this, missing out. >> kylie: i have to celebrate my sister's total bull shit nobel prize in chemistry, so

let's leave it there. and it's a clarence thomas scandal threatening to take the american dream of one day buying a judge. that's ahead. >> "tooning out the news" the podcast is available thursdays podcast is available thursdays wher oh, hello! hi! do you know that every load of laundry could be worth as much as $300? really? and your clothes just keep getting more damaged the more times you wash them. downy protects fibers, doing more than detergent alone. see? this one looks brand new. saves me money? i'm starting to like downy. downy saves loads.

mara, are you sure you don't want -to go bowling with us tonight? -yeah. no. there's my little marzipan! [ laughs ] oh, my daughter gives the best hugs! we're just passing through on our way to the jazz jamboree. [ imitates trumpet playing ] and we wanted to thank america's number-one motorcycle insurer -for saving us money. -thank you. [ laughs ] mara, your parents are -- exactly like me? i know, right? well, cherish your friends and loved ones. let's roll, daddio! let's boogie-woogie! welcome to the next level.

this is the lexus nx with intuitive tech safety radar detector: watch for traffic. and our most advanced safety system ever. ♪ >> ross dress for less, and chaos, there is order. >> it's host and rest tyler templeton alongside cohost forcibly d cloud by the state bonnie davis bonnie davis.

company host who wishes garbage trucks could stand up on legs and fight susan shephard, and cohosts from a family that got rich selling porta-potties to both sides of some more, i refuse to drink bud light until i can inspect to the clydesdale's. this is "hot take." ♪ ♪ what's up, loud piss legion. top story, the memory that supreme court justice and strip her of the document that calls him three fifths of a person clarence thomas did not disclose the 2014 sale and renovation of property is owned by justice thomas and his relatives to texas billionaire conservative activist and man a definitely nonsuper villain name harlan crow. this comes after pope clement pro public owes report that its undisclosed vacations with justice thomas, and no one can resist partying with this guy. that revelation said thomas would release a statement

reading "harlem and captain crozier are among our dearest friends and we have been friends for over 25 years as friends do, we have joined them on a number of family trips during the more than quarter-century we have known them." hello, they are just friends. me and my bro's t get together and watch the game and by each other's houses. here to discuss is the daily show's desi line and could, thank you for joining us. >> thank you, tyler. >> desi, i assume you're coming to us live from a house that your friend bought and renovated out of the goodness of their hearts, isn't that what friends do? >> yes, what he did was clearly illegal and unethical, but from a headline standpoint, i really appreciate this story. supreme court justice accepting lavish gifts and property from a nazi sympathizing republican billionaire, this is trump mad lids at its finest. >> just because he collected

nazi artifacts does not make him a nazi sympathizer. the last thing we need a support from a nazi sympathizer. >> he needs it in case an appointment does not work out. >> we know why this is happening. clarence thomas and his wife jenny are minorities. clarence thomas is african american as jenny thomas is xanax american. >> at bought clarence thomas' mom's house because he needed as much space as he could get. you can't fit all of the furnishings of the third reich into one house. >> absolutely not. moving on to the presidential campaign, the republican candidates are 100% pro-life except for when the life of their doomed presidential campaign is at risk. former south carolina governor nikki haley who was so passionate about the palmetto state, she made it her personality said this about abortion to a crowd in iowa. i don't want unelected judges deciding something this personal. yes, your body, your choice, our choice to a wholly abandon our political project in 50 years.

now republicans also made a mistake when they legislated women's bodies, it took us more than six weeks to realize that and we want to reverse course, what is so wrong with not wanting to live with never winning elections? >> look, i think it is clear that nikki haley stamped on abortion is still just dating, and i am really excited to see what it looks like when it is fully developed. nikki haley has a built a career over flip-flopping, everything from her support of supporting trump to the confederate flag, to abortion, so this should not be surprising. but at the end of the day, i believe women. [boos] i believe nikki haley now, i believe her before she changed her mind, and i will believe her when she changes her mind in the future. >> they should pass on popular laws and win elections, which is why i will say it again republicans need to secretly pass laws under a tarp. what are they doing? popular stuff, i'm sure. >> moving on, desi, you have

demonstrated through your popular series "desi explains" to that you understand the popular mind. which rings us the new game "liberal conspiracy or just what happen." you tell me if it's a liberal conspiracy or just what happened. are you ready? >> i'm ready. >> away we go. manhattan d.a. alvin bragg charges donald trump with crimes. liberal conspiracy, or that's just what happened? >> that it's just what happens. >> wrong, liberal conspiracy. the deep state knew the best way to kneecap trump was to charge him with a victimless crime based on an incomprehensible legal theory. >> i don't think that's right, but we can move on. >> thank you very much. next up i lost my life savings betting on "the masked singer." liberal conspiracy or that's just what happen? >> this one is impossible for me to know for sure, but based on our brief interaction, i'm going

to say that actually happen. >> liberal conspiracy, because it makes so much sense that i would find a singing song so titillating that it blew up my pleasure centers and i would have to place massive life destroying bets to feel anything at all. screw you, dandelion! next up, my mother only calls me to ask for money. >> oh, god. i don't know. maybe that's just what happened? >> liberal conspiracy, my god! aoc is holding her hostage. mommy loves me just the way i am. and finally, bill clinton is a free man. liberal conspiracy, or that's just what happened? >> that's just what happened. >> that's correct. that's just what happen. he has a total boy scout assuming you ignore all of the witness accounts and jet flight records. and that's how you play liberal conspiracy or that's just what happened. all right, i'm going to impress my grandpa's friends by doing a backflip off of the roof of their hospice, so that's all the time we have.

thank you to my esteemed guest desi laidig. >> thank you tyler, i hate to tell you this, but i think that you might need therapy. >> i would do it if they did not have a national restraining order against me. now desi, she is hosting my warm-up act "the daily show" on comedy central next week when "tooning out the news" returns, we have a brand-new edition of "i'm not done." stick around. >> follow "tooning out the news" on facebook, twitter, and instagram for exclusive content. [ upbeat music ] ♪ do your thing ♪ ♪ i said, do your thing ♪ ♪ come on now, let's roll now ♪ ♪ let it all out ♪ ♪ do your thing ♪ ♪ do your thing ♪ ♪ just do your thing ♪ spring moments made easy. that's totally target.

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without n-word all day. keep it right below the gramophone. >> unless you have been cryogenically frozen like my main man austin powers, you know i am the host of the world's number one show "sparks." and our new season premieres next week. list is real with hot takes body davis. mixed martial arts fighter turned political analyst blake holliday, and special guest, republican presidential candidate bedecked mama saw me. me like he. see you there. >> is it true that they watch your show from the moon? >> yes, is this real life. >> yes, is this real life. >> you rul - ♪ mtv ♪ [both chuckling] [rock music] ♪ ♪