[cheers and applause] >> desi: that's our show for tonight but before we go, please consider supporting super majority buried they are an organization dedicated to making women the most influential voting bloc in the country. if you'd like to help them build a community of organizers, please donate to the link below. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> [speaking non-english language] >> [speaking non-english language] [laughter] >> [speaking non-english language] ♪ ♪ >> nature valley granola bars: carpet yourself in flavor crums. >> james: tonight on "tooning

out the news," it's the long awaited season premiere of the take no prisoners late night show "sparks!" and he's asking republican presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy whether he's telling everyone not to invest in woke companies because, as we expose, he's secretly buying all the shares for himself. then the elites at inside the hill ask legendary journalist carl bernstein if journalism has lost its sheen now that you just need to wait for a mar-a-lago member to post a selfie with trump using a cia spy list as a lobster bib. but first, the shocking firing of tucker carlson. will he have more empathy for society's downtrodden after a cataclysmic act of god like being replaced by brian kilmeade? it's time for some big news. ♪ ♪ >> james: good evening out there, i'm james smartwood and i cannot be fired because i will cry really hard. the top story: fox news, grappling with their wildly popular host tucker carlson airing racist violence, inciting

conspiracy theories, look deep into their soul, examine their moral core and decided, "christ, this guy is costing us a lot of money". tucker played a role in the $787 million dominion voting settlement, and is now being sued by his former booker, proving that he's not just some television phony, he's just as vile behind the scenes. >> show up first day of work, there are pictures like this bag of nancy pelosi and a bathing suit in europe, plastered all over. >> what was your experience with anti-semitism? >> i have never experienced at my >> james: truly shocking that life until now. tucker carlson's workplace was a bad experience for a jewish female producer. joining me now is democratic strategist whose life mission is to be name-checked in the followup memoir from chasten buttigieg, lydia parker. >> lydia: good evening. >> james: chief washington bureau chief whose wife kicked him out after he spent their entire 30th anniversary dinner talking to a couple at the next table, jonathan keene. >> jonathan: hello. >> james: chief field correspondent whose hand is

still a little sticky from when he fell in gravel earlier, james smartwood jr. >> junior: hey dad. >> james: and cbs news senior white house correspondent who woke up at 3:00 am in front of the fridge giving a full report on the state of today's carrots, weijia jiang. thanks for being here, weijia. >> weijia: great to be with you, james. >> james: weijia, tucker carlson's firing comes as fox news faces massive ongoing legal and financial exposure. what's the state of affairs over there? and when you answer, please set aside a relentless, frankly gosh, campaign to become tucker's replacement. >> weijia: well, all of this unfolded of course, when fox news decided to settle with dominion voting systems for that whopping number that you mentioned at the top of the show. and really that investigation unearthed a lot about tucker carlson and what he said about colleagues. sort of his, uh, s.o.p and running his show. and so this is the aftermath and i think it shows news corp and fox news is saying, sending a message that regardless of how

popular one of our hosts is, nobody is untouchable. >> james: well look, we're all praying for the murdochs, but i don't believe the reports about why this happened. i'm convinced he did something inappropriate at his april 20th hitler's birthday celebration. >> lydia: i'm concerned america can't weather the end of tucker carlson lawsuits, which have consistently served as a stimulus to our wobbly economy. >> junior: hey, i look forward to tucker unveiling the rube goldberg machine that connects his firing to a trans athlete joining a swim team. >> jonathan: and now the search begins for tucker's successor. i'm going with either jesse waters or a two-foot tall, gleaming, aryan goblin. >> james: oh, i am getting word that the goblin was just "me too"'d. wow, that was quick. >> junior: i could 'see it coming. >> james: now, moving on. president joe biden announced that he will seek reelection, showing he is not afraid of gavin newsom's repeated attempts to serve him cobra ice cream. biden is definitely physically capable of delivering a live 2024 reelection campaign announcement without collapsing into a pile of chalky bones, but instead opted for a far more taxing uploading a short video

to youtube: ♪ ♪ >> freedom... personal freedom is fundamental to us as americans. that's been the work on my first term, to fight for our democracy. to protect our rights. >> james: biden there appealing to draft kings-obsessed america by asking voters to bet their rights on joe biden's threadbare aorta. weijia, the white house could have gone with numerous lofty messages, including "the other guy boinked a porn star", but instead went with freedom. what are you hearing from the white house on this campaign? >> weijia: so i think this was an opportunity for the biden campaign to capitalize on the current state of affairs for the current republican front runner, which is of course former president donald trump. the big question now is whether he's gonna rely on video messages like the one we saw today or actually get out there on the campaign trail. uh, of course four years ago we saw him a lot via zoom, via videos, but that was in the middle of a pandemic >> james: luckily, the biden campaign is doing all they can. here in the studio exclusively

are the dolphins that will provide the cartilage that will be injected into biden's face so he appears alive. welcome dolphins to the show. >> lydia: i don't know if i like democracy hinging on the dolphins. >> jonathan: keep your voice down. the dolphins are right there. >> james: they actually can't hear, dolphins cannot hear. >> junior: even if they can hear dolphins don't have the ability to get offended. we know that. >> jonathan: is that true? >> james: just insult the dolphin quickly, keene. >> jonathan: okay. uh, your skin is far too shiny. >> lydia: what the hell keene? oh god. jesus. what's wrong with you? >> junior: we're all gonna get fired, keene. >> james: well i got a puke up some airpods, so that's all the time we have. when "tooning out the news" returns, it's the global season premiere of the no holds barred late night show "sparks!" with republican presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy. you will not wanna miss this. stick around. ♪ ♪

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♪ ♪ speak of the wait is over, the season premiere of "sparks" begins right now. >> major: tonight is the night: >> magaret: tonight it's the season premiere of "sparks!" >> jonathan: the long awaited season premiere of "sparks!" >> magaret: schools and workplaces are letting everyone out early. >> jonathan: tonight, to honor the premiere, the white house will be lit up monster energy drink green. >> magaret: look at this: on stubhub, tickets to be in the audience are selling for $5 million. >> jonathan: to keep the tailgating under control, president biden has called up the national guard, initiating a response simply known as "omega protocol". >> major: new york city has opened its overflow triage hospital in central park for viewers suffering laughter related injuries. >> jonathan: wall street concerned about a selloff of all non-sparks! stocks has closed the markets for tomorrow. >> magaret: a designated survivor has been chosen for the

"sparks!" premiere: kate plus eight's jon gosselin. >> jonathan: north korea will halt all missile tests during "sparks!," out of respect for what kim jong un is calling the "real gun show". >> major: a lot of rumors being thrown around on what to expect in the season premiere, but the leading contender among those rumors is austin sparks will wear a blue wig. >> magaret: this is no surprise: the top baby name of 2023: "sparks". number two? "little sparksy". >> major: we are working to confirm that austin sparks is simultaneously dating bella hadid, anna de armas, and tilda swinton. >> magaret: remember, there's only one "sparks" airing on comedy central. anyone who says otherwise is trying to scam you. >> major: i for one, cannot wait. >> magaret: god bless austin sparks. >> edd: tonight on "sparks!," seaworld jail five timers club member bonnie davis, concussion protocol dodger, blake holiday, republican presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy, and me, i'm edd hall.

and now, here's the host of the highest rated show in history, twice crypto-crash survivor, austin sparks. >> austin: thank you, thank you. stop. stop. seriously stop. we got a show to do. i love you too. all right. it's your boy austin sparks. but who am i really? i'll tell you in tonight's monologue. first of all, i'm a straight white man, and in today's america, that's a crime. have i been thrown in prison? of course not. i'm a straight white man, but every morning i feel like a prisoner. not to unforgiving masculine norms forced upon me from birth, but to wokeness. politically, i'm an independent. i believe in live and let live. you do you, full stop. unless it means men wearing a dress, you can't just do whatever you you want. i'm a truth teller. i say what i mean. no pulling punches. and if you're offended, i was just joking. i didn't mean it that way. you need to lighten up. i used to be a liberal.

yeah, it's true. i was fired from a liberal cable news program because i was too real for 'em, and i didn't realize my zoom camera was on during a meeting. coincidentally, at the exact moment my cancellation rendered me unemployable, and my agent mentioned conservative comedy is highly lucrative, i had a political awakening. the woke mob is out of control, and that's the monologue. speaking of woke mob, pour one out for my brother in boat shoes, tucker carlson, who is out at fox news. rupert murdoch apparently is all for free speech unless you commit the thought crime of costing him $1 billion. one man leading the campaign against corporations promoting woke ideology is wealthy business executive and republican presidential candidate vivek ramaswamy. according to a national poll of republican primary voters, he is now polling fifth ahead of strong republican candidates and mike pence. vivek also puts the "lit" in "literary" because he's a dang

new york times bestselling author of woke inc inside corporate america's social justice scam and capitalist punishment. how wall street is using your money to create a country you didn't vote for. make some noise for vivek who joins us now. what's up vivek? >> vivek: how you doing austin? how are you? >> austin: i'm doing so good, man. hey, let's jump into this. vivek, you were booked on tucker's show the night fox news announced his departure. bro, gimme the deets on how tucker pimp-walked out of there, flipping the double bird, one for each murdoch son. >> vivek: so to tell you the truth, i wasn't in the room and couldn't tell you what happened. what i will tell you is i've gone on tucker's show for a couple of years now. i've actually gotten to know him. i have found him to be one of the most thoughtful voices, not just in the conservative movement, but really in the movement of this open discussion about american politics. and so that's what i think we need more of in our politics, in our discourses, people who on principle will say that, you know what? even if you disagree with me, i believe in your right to say it.

i'll applaud my friend for that >> austin: good defense of tucker and hella smart of you to put yourself out on a limb like that before all the facts come out. >> bonnie: i am with you vivek, and you know, the left claims to care about sustainability then celebrates the firing of the number one recycler of world war ii era anti-semitic dog whistles. >> blake: this tucker departure is bad. we can't be switching generals this late in the sperm wars. >> austin: sperm/11. never forget. we'll be right back with more "sparks!" and vivek ramaswamy. like a glove!

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>> decorative bowl of limes: make guests mutter good for you asshole. >> austin: alright, we're back! now, wokeness is destroying something far more important than the fabric of american society, our money. luckily vivek, you are leading a crusade against environmental, social and governance investing or esg investing and even co-founded strive- anti-woke asset management and advisory firm. and you're crushing it, convincing indiana's 42.4 billion state pension fund to contract with strive. quote, "the contract obtained by the capitol chronicle is capped at $150,000 with conservative republican presidential candidate ramaswami set to earn $4,000 per hour for ad hoc work". ka-ching! but one state ain't enough. you're pitching strive to all the states on the backend of the literacy bell curve. "emails obtained by watchdog group, documented and provided to us show strive approached at least 10 states in the last year". now, vivek, how do you clap back at the haters who claim there's

a conflict of interest between your anti woke political crusade and your highly lucrative anti woke asset management business? >> vivek: well, i actually stepped aside from strive and my other businesses to run for us president, by the time i founded strive, you know what i was taken on? i was taken on incumbents like blackrock and vanguard and state street, those three institutions alone manage over $20 trillion of money. yes. including that of state pension funds across this country. they have captured the system. and when you have large incumbents in a near oligopoly, an esg oligopoly, yes, that captures the system, you're right, it is hard for a new incumbent to break in, especially when you're coming in with a different message >> austin: yeah, you stepped back. but according to the nerds at the sec, you still own a majority stake in strive between 50 and 75%. do you wanna send a heartfelt message to your employees back at the office making anti woke investments while you're out here on your completely unrelated anti woke presidential campaign? >> vivek: well, i've actually

never used the word anti-woke. i am pro-excellence. i think that's one of the things we miss in this country, is that we like to put labels on things as opposed to asking what it is we actually stand for. i stand in my presidential campaign for actual values, the individual, family, god, the nation. that's actually what i talk about. but i know a lot of left wing media likes to apply labels. anti-woke, i don't call myself that. i call myself pro-excellence and pro-american. >> austin: got it, we'll get the word "woke" off the cover of your book right away. moving on, you say that corporations have a fiduciary duty to focus on profits over woke priorities. now, indiana's nonpartisan office of fiscal and management analysis, which i assume is run by lena dunham, determined that your approach could result in reduced aggregated investment returns by 6.7 billion over the next 10 years. so vivek, explain why investment funds need to stop being woke and start fulfilling their fiduciary duty to make less money. >> vivek: well just look at the actual facts. last year, esg funds

dramatically underperform the market and they even more dramatically underperformed the very sectors that they shunned like oil, gas, and coal. >> bonnie: hey, hang on a second. it is not fair to say strive would lose indiana's $6.7 billion. i mean, strive is gonna siphon off a good chunk of that before it disappears. >> austin: awesome. now, vivek, let's talk about companies putting wokeness ahead of profits. now, specific companies like disney, nike, hershey's, starbucks, apple. i don't like to talk about how much money i have, but i got a lot of money, bro. so be real. should i think twice before investing in these companies? >> vivek: look, i think you should make a decision based on how well managed a company is and whether it has a product or service that actually makes people live a better life. that's the best way the companies create value. some companies have to serve their customer bases, but part of what's going on is companies like apple and chevron and home depot, they've been forced to adopt racial equity audits, and

they've been forced to adopt emissions caps, that those companies didn't initially want to adopt until they were forced to by the likes of blackrock and state street and vanguard. so i had to write a book exposing this, "capitalist punishment". but i'll tell you, this is a complicated issue. it's designed to do through the back door what government couldn't get done through the front door. that's a farce. and i believe in exposing all farces, all hypo- all hypocrisy for what it is. that's what this game is about. it's hypocrisy. >> austin: yes, we need to expose hypocrisy like how your company's strive asset management according to their sec filing, invest in all those woke companies you just railed against. is there anyway you can talk some sense into the bleeding heart sjw-majority owner? >> vivek: well, here's actually the interesting fact: index funds means americans get to invest in the market more broadly. but the little secret is you actually get a vote and a voice that goes along with that. so my purpose in founding strive was to exercise that vote and voice differently. telling companies something really simple, knock it off with

the politics, and focus on your products and services for profit without apologizing for it. and for those people who with their own money, want to tell companies to yes, focus on environmental or social agendas, you're right, it's a free country. you should absolutely be free to do that. but what i object to is a lot of people without knowing it, have their money directed via 401k accounts or pension fund accounts to fund managers that tell those companies to adopt social agendas without actually knowing it. >> blake: my dude is grinding. specifically, he's grinding away hardworking indiana resident's ability to retire. let them freaks eat cat foooood. >> austin: that's all the time we have. thank you to my co-hosts and my guest, surging presidential candidate, vivek ramaswamy.i'll be workshopping new material at the emphasis on the "ass" in assembly. so check me out there, folks. >> blake: it's going to be riveting. >> austin: when "tooning out the

news" returns, inside the hill asks legendary journalist carl bernstein if he needs help filming his fox news audition tape that's ahead. but first, here's your moment of very nice. >> [screaming] >> follow "tooning out the news" on instagram coming

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helicopter on your finger to get his attention like this. king king... ♪ he loves people. can't wait. ♪♪ ♪ ♪ >> rich: today, we talk to legendary journalists carl bernstein about whether it's harder for journalists to investigate corruption now that crafty politicians openly chant their seditious plans to a salivating crowd. >> sarah: let's go inside the hill. ♪ ♪

i'm sarah sabo, and i resent the moon for providing free illumination to just anyone. >> rich: and i'm rich ballard and i'm facing six different lawsuits from human rights organizations over the materials in my veneers. >> sarah: joining us is wall street journal columnist whose will has a section titled "settling of scores", eleanor palmer. >> eleanor: hello. >> rich: and princeton history professor oblivious to the fact that his phone cannot complete incoming or outgoing calls, dr. ike bloom. >> dr. bloom: greetings. >> sarah: let's jump in. special counsel jack smith's investigation into trump's efforts to overturn the 2020 election is ramping up as smith meets with trump's attorneys, heroically risking blindness by breathing the same syphilitic air. >> rich: here to discuss is legendary pulitzer prize-winning journalist carl bernstein, and author of the new book "chasing history: a kid in the newsroom", carl bernstein. thank you for joining us, carl. >> carl: good to be with you. >> rich: carl, since your

investigation into watergate, you've been known as the preeminent journalist on washington corruption, the second being worthless hack bob woodward. how has unmasking government corruption changed now that instead of covert meetings with "deepthroat", reporters just take notes as mike lindell broadcasts a seven-hour long manic episode? >> carl: i think that washington has always had huge problems with all kinds of conflicts of interest, with all kinds of fakers, with all kinds of wannabes. um, i wouldn't be too nostalgic. i think we're in an era where the real difference that we're talking about, say from the watergate era and today, is the people of the country, and the politicians, particularly the republican party, which has been captured, by forces that embrace and are enthusiastic about authoritarianism. uh, about a kind of dishonesty and conspiratorial viewpoint that has little to do often with

the truth, and it is hijacked, to a large extent, mainstream conservatism. >> moving on to the dominion fox news settlements, many in the media expressed concern that it did not issue fox news to issue an apology for the small crime of turning their our audience into misled, insurrection craving, armed psychopaths. carl, are you disappointed fox news is not required to issue an apology? and if so, what does that say about your petty vengeful jealousy? >> carl: look, the revelations about fox news in this case are extraordinary. we now know an awful lot more about the internal workings of fox news. it's not a real news organization. it is a political entity. and the sooner we recognize that and deal with it as such, uh, the better off we are culturally in this country. >> rich: ah, i think you're jealous. >> dr. bloom: everyone relax. i know how to talk to someone like carl, still holding on to his obsolete craft of

journalism. a fine morning, my dear lad carl. perhaps you and the cobbler will join me for some mead at the alehouse around sundown. >> eleanor: and perhaps afterwards, carl can take me behind the sheep's stable, spend a fortnight unclasping my girdle, and go bonkers on me. >> rich: i'm creating a foundation to get former nbc universal ceo jeff shell back on his feet, so that's all the time we have. >> sarah: thank you to our eteemed guest, carl bernstein. thank you, carl. >> carl: good to be with you. >> carl: good to be with you. >> i did not know they had the [music] oh, man. hotter than a magician's asshole out here. hey, jeremy! hey, vlad! what's up? i just, oh, is that your baby? nice! looks like a bowling ball! cute kid.

here we go!