number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. and three, you should now that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of burlington coat factory. yeah, i guess. i won. you did win. you did win. anyway, i'm gonna need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. totally kidding. [whispers] i'm gonna need four. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news! this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> desi: welcome to "the daily show," i'm desi ly lydic! [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting] oh, yes! [cheers and applause] yes, this is my last day behind the desk. i know, i know, but please, please, don't be sad. comedy central said they are sending me to a farm upstate with all the other guest hosts, so it's gonna be fun! we've got a great show for you tonight musso let's get into the

headlines. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's get into anig tucker reemr the first time she was fired, regarding a personal video from his business on. >> good evening, it's tucker carlson. one of the first things you realize when you step outside the noise for a few days is how many genuinely nice people there are in this country. kind and decent people. the other thing you notice when you take a little time off is how unbelievably stupid most of the debate to see on television are. they are completely irrelevant. they mean nothing. in five years we won't even remember that we have them. where can you still find americans saying true things? there aren't many places left but there are some, and that's enough. as long as you can hear the words, there is hope. see you soon. [laughter] >> desi: wow, good for tucker. even though he's isolated in a

remote cabin somewhere, he's getting his message out, just like the unabomber. [laughter and applause] and you know what? lets give tucker credit for not seeing the c word once during this video. of bravo, tucker! i know that was really hard for you. although it is funny how he said when you step outside the noise, people are actually pretty nice. buddy, you are the noise. your entire show was you being mean to people. trans people, immigrants, women, lady m&ms. tucker complaining about people being mean is like guy fieri complaining about how there are salad shows. meanwhile, cnn's female expiration date checker don lemon was also fired this week. and he's handling things much different way different way. >> don lemon spoke for the first time at a star-studded event appearing on the red carpet at the annual time 100 gala in

new york city. >> what is next for you? >> i don't know, sitting on the beach with this gentleman all summer and having a great summer, and i'm going to have the summer of a 12-year-old. [laughter] >> desi: yep. don lemon is going to have the summer of a 12-year-old, so i guess getting horny while reading the "harry potter" books? i like how tucker is like "i'm going to do whatever it takes to fight for the truth" and don lemon is like "i'm gonna go board." listen, you don't need to go back to being a 12-year-old to live your best life. don't let anyone tell you you are past her prime. [laughter and applause] past your prime. let's move on to washington, d.c., where congress yesterday held hearings on covid school closings with testimony from teachers union president randi weingarten, and i think

this is an entirely reasonable subject for rational debate, that is of course and less cue in on. >> are you a mother? >> i am a mother by marriage. >> by marriage, i see. >> and my wife is here with me, so i'm really glad that she's here. >> what i'd like to talk about is your recommendations to the cdc as not a medical doctor, not a biological mother, and really not a teacher. people like you need to admit that you're just a political activist, not a teacher, not a mother, and not a medical doctor. [boos] >> desi: what the hell was not about? listen, you don't get to decide who is a mother or not, that job exclusively belongs to gay men tiktok. [cheers and applause] also, it's a little weird to hear mdg dissing stepmothers, because this woman has the most

stepmom energy i have ever seen. remember that white coat? [laughter] okay, that is not the coat you wear when you're a mom. that's they cut you where when you are [bleep] on one's dad. [laughter and applause] and finally, you may have noticed that air travel has been kind of a shit show lately between unruly passengers, delays, long security lines, thanks to the tsa's policy of finding every dildo. well, not every dildo... [cheers and applause] and all of that was bad enough before a new problem showed up. actual angry birds. >> four dramatic bird strikes over texas, all within 24 hours, forcing planes packed with passengers to turn around. this in as pilots on the united flight from houston santiago,

chile, describe it right after takeoff. >> we are declaring an emergency for the bird strike. >> two other flights and american from mcallen to dallas and a southwest flight from just into corpus christi all colliding with birds. these strikes come after that terrifying incident over the weekend. >> mayday, mayday, we have a bird strike and an engine failure. >> and we're only going to hear about more of these as we go into the summer because more than half of all bird strikes happened between july and october. >> desi: not july through october! what about don lemons 12-year-old summer! [laughter and applause] birds flying to planes? that's terrifying, but i kind of get it. i just watched the "avatar" equal on a flight and i also wanted to throw myself into a jet engine. [laughter] the question is, how can we make the skies safer? to get every perspective, we turned our news team. [applause] [cheers and applause] starting with our very own dulce

sloan! what can be done about the bird strikes? >> oh, nothing. [laughter] look, this is survival of the fittest, baby girl, okay? if a bird can't see or hear a 747, it's time for that bird to meet bird jesus. [laughter and applause] i mean, that bird is not the best of the brightest. if it wasn't going to be a plain it was going to be a glass door. >> desi: bird jesus? >> the point is we've had planes for over 70 years. if the birds don't know about it yet, that's on them. [laughter] i'm not letting it stop me going to barbados. there's a nice man there looking for me. >> desi: hey, good for you, dulce! [cheers and applause]

that's a hard-line position, so you're saying you don't care about any of the birds? >> desi elizabeth lydic, of course i care about the birds! chickens are birds! and i [bleep] with chicken! [applause] because they know their place, and that place is in a sandwich. >> desi: fair point, fair point. now we turn to the forest with our very own jordan klepper. [cheers and applause] jordan, so should humans show no regard for birds in the sky? >> of course not, as he buried this is such a typical human response to colonize the error. first we appropriate bird culture by flying into their home uninvited, we mock their bird cuisine by eating their little knots in a bag and then

tell them they are not welcome? no, i will not be co-opting avian spaces. the wright brothers, more like the wrong brothers! if you want to get to houston, just do what i do. hop on a bike. boom, 30 days later you are there. [applause] >> desi: okay. so you are clearly team bird, interesting. let's turn to roy wood jr. [laughter and applause] >> hey, desi. >> desi: what side are you want? >> desi, i'm on neither side. the solution is to come together and share the skies. that's why we need to convince the birds to fly in the plains with us. [laughter] it's a win-win buried look at me right now. i'm on white to miami i'm on a flight to miami sharing a seat with this little guy. his name is daryl and we've

become great friends on the slight, isn't that right? >> desi: oh, roy, it is so cute, very inspiring. dulce roy says that we can share the skies. >> listen, you know what birds are like. if you give them an inch, they will shit on it! [laughter] i don't trust animals that poop white. is this how you make white out? does anybody know what white out is? >> desi: don't know. >> i didn't think so. >> desi: don't know about that. jordan, what do you think you might geico know, that's not how they make white out. frankly the only upside to humans in the skies that we might die. that's when we are reminded that we are alive. i'm going to tell you a story. a while ago before i was versed in the oppressive structures of aerodynamics, i was on the flight that was hit by a bird strike. i thought i was going to perish and while the plane was going down i called a girl i had a crush on in high school and told her eye loved her.

>> desi: wow, that's a really sweet story. >> my wife didn't think so. [laughter] neither did tonya or her husband. by the time i later, two marriages were in shambles. that's why man doesn't belong in the sky, it will only end in tears in three months in a buffalo airport. >> desi: that's... sad. i have to say i like the idea of sharing our planes with the birds. roy, i think i agree with you. >> bad news, desi! darrell hijacked the plane and bit my fingers! he went straight to the cockpit, now we are all migrating south for the winter! you betrayed me, darrell! i shared my crackers with you! have to text somebody i love. tonya, i love you, thank you for choosing me over the white boy. >> wait, is that my wife -- tonya -- >> desi: land safely.

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♪ ♪ [applause] [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show"! let's talk about wellness. it's a $1.5 trillion industry and i'm obsessed. i've tried it all. i drank mushroom coffee, i've done ice baths, i tried education apps, i gave my meditation app an ice bath. i don't know if it worked because my phone won't turn on. but like a ski trip with gwyneth paltrow, wellness has a dark side. [laughter and applause] and that is what i want to talk about in tonight's installment of "long story short." [cheers and applause]

you might think that the term wellness started in the '90s back when wh white women inventd yoga but it's actually been around for at least a century and until very recently there's been zero government regulation to make sure that wellness products are legit. a company could claim that there panda semen protein powder could give you that glow but they don't have to show receipts so it's no surprise that they tell a lot of snake oil. >> the u.s. preventative services task force reviewed 84 studies involving hundreds of thousands of people over 30 years. the task force concluded there was little or no benefit in using vitamin and mineral supplements to prevent cancer, cardiovascular disease, and death. >> there's a new study that found some of those melatonin comments that are so popular actually contain way more of the hormone then they advertise. >> wellness influencers promoting products like colonial silver drops they say can combat where there is infection. >> nonprescription products that contain colloidal silver are not recognized as safe by the fda.

>> there's a lot of buzz around t taxes, but dietitians and doctors will tell you it is a myth. >> there is one ingredient that takes some to another level. it's called senna leaf and the thing is it can also cause stomach problems, cramps. >> after using for a while you might not be able to poop without it. [laughter and applause] >> desi: that's right, if you take some of these products, you might be as full of shit as the influencers who sell them. i get what people want to believe this stuff works but if just drinking tea was the key to looking snatched, the british royal family would look a lot different. [laughter and applause] but look, the truth is you don't have to spend a single dollar to try a bowl-shit wellness trend. just gone social media and you'll find plenty of ways to jeopardize your health for free. >> advocates of the soft ohmic saltwater flush claim chugging water mixed with 2 tablespoons of salt is a healthy way to clean out your colon, but

experts are issuing stern warnings. >> dangerous as [bleep], it is literally napalm for your. >> it's the latest viral health trend with nearly 40 million views on tiktok. the claim, the putting tape on your mouth and i can help you get better sleep. it's a trend that has some medical experts sounding the alarm. >> you are risking things like cardiac arrest, it can induce seizures. this a lot of risks to it. because doctors are warning against the viral wellness trend called perineum stunning. they say it's not worth the risk of sun damage or even skin cancer. [laughter] >> desi: just a general rule, never try a trend that seems like it was invented by the guy next door with binoculars. and please, please do not try that at home. if you want to see sunburnt asshole, just watch the next presidential campaign.

[cheers and applause] that's the last we will see of him, nailed it! but maybe the darkest side of wellness is that too often it's not even about wellness, it's about targeting women's insecurities. other it's delimiting your wrinkles, flattening your abs, or the industries favorite targets, our extremely disappointing vaginas. apparently it needs a full reno down there. detox pearls to stay clean, ex-detective score and of course dummies to improve its taste. because it's not enough that your b-12 can regulate its own ph, and to be a pleasure center and deliver a baby, it also needs to taste so good it gets a michelin star. [laughter and applause] we don't need any of this. the vagina is a self-cleaning organ.

it's not like you need a tiny room but in there getting all the hard-to-reach corners. in fact, if your vagina has corners, please go see a doctor. but the fact is the reason the wellness industry is making so much money off women in the first place is because of doctors. the american health care industry is constantly failing women, whether it's doctors dismissing the symptoms or telling them that their pain isn't as bad as they are claiming, or prescribing them less medicine than men for the same issues, and keep in mind this has only been worse for women of color. and it's happening is the courts and states are rapidly eroding women's access to refractive health care. and all of this is stressing me out so much i could really use a panda semen's movie! [laughter and applause] my meditation app when i need it. so it's no wonder that women turn to wellness despite all its

faults because what's more ridiculous, health care system that denies women treatment and tells them that their pain is all in their head, or this? [laughter and applause] so long story short, until american health care takes women's concerns seriously, we are going to continue to be targets for alternative solutions. so the next time a wellness brand tries to sell your product, here's some advice. pretend like you're a doctor listening to a female patient. don't take their word for it. [cheers and applause] stay tuned, because when we come back, sophia bush will be joining me on the show. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is an actor and activist who will be starring in london's popular western production, "2:22 a ghost story," beginning may 14th. please welcome sophia bush! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ hi! gorgeous! >> thank you! wow! >> desi: sophia! >> this is so nice. >> desi: yeah, it feels good, right? power at a desk. >> just ladies running "the daily show." >> desi: that's it.

>> i'm very into this. >> desi: all female this week. go thanks for having me, hi, everybody! [cheers and applause] >> desi: you've been busy on many things. you are extremely vocal about issues that you care about. gun reform, voting rights, women's reproductive health, you were just honored yesterday by the national institution of reproductive health for your work. [cheers and applause] about to start a play in london called "2:22 a ghost story." that i get that right? "2:22 a ghost story." are you excited to go work in a country where they have access to health care? >> yeah, wow. i realized it was a really big deal when i had to apply for my work visa and there were like have you ever tried to sneak into the united kingdom to access health care, and i was like oh, yeah, we have to do that i guess. that's weird. no, but while i'm doing this job

can i go to the doctor? that would be so cool. >> desi: tell us with the play is about. it's a supernatural story, right? it involves ghosts. >> it is. so, i don't want to give it away but the thing we all loved about "friends" was watching a group of people in an apartment hang out. so imagine it's four instead of six friends and when their dinner party gets like a little bit lit, people start up a conversation about who does and doesn't believe in ghosts and suddenly we're talking about belief and faith and upbringing and education and what's bigger than us, and it's very spicy. >> desi: that is fun! i love a good ghost story. to do research for this role did you just go visit the senate? [laughter and applause] >> [laughs] you know, i should have. >> desi: you once said that you weren't interested in working in politics back in

2013, you said this. but you said asked me in ten years. so what's up, what do you think? [laughter] >> well... so interesting... so many people were the last number of years have said to me like a quote run," and then nancy pelosi said to me one day like "it will all be better when you're president" and i was like that you say that's all the girls but thank you so much. it was so deeply flattering and then i went like "i guess if we are electing people from tv... anyone who knows anything about public policy or public health or education or like women would be cool. >> desi: can string a sentence together. >> yeah, you know, articulate humans who like other people instead of wish ill upon their lives. would be nice. [applause] but i think is i've learned so much over the last ten years, i don't know what it's going to

look like. i don't know where i'm supposed to go. if i can be most useful serving in elected office, great. if i can be most useful raising money for incredible candidates across the country and making sure we flip statehouses we are not, you know, thrown back to the dark ages, into it. literally just tell me how to help and i'm down. you know? [cheers and applause] >> desi: i so appreciate -- we so appreciate all the work that you do you are a delight! >> thank you! >> desi: sophia bush, everybody! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ and this is ready to go online.

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: that's our show for tonight and that's my time is your guest host. stay tuned for next week when your guest host will be dulce sloan! [cheers and applause] now here it is, your moment of zen. >> the desi lydic show. [humming] >> our first guest will be, melissa and her dog lassie. >> thank you very much for tuning in and we will see you next time. [singing] [music] oh, man. hotter than a magician's asshole out here. hey, jeremy! hey, vlad! what's up? i just, oh, is that your baby? nice! looks like a bowling ball! cute kid.