e. yes, i will take your coat, and i will keep it with me, and i will sleep with it, because it smells like you. no, no, no, just put it on my chair. - all right. - bye. bye. call me when you land. i will. safe travels. good bye for a very, very, very long time. hmm? ok. it's only three weeks. all expenses paid. yeah, jim's going to be there. their marriage is not good. nobody knows better than me. definitely, we will. it's three weeks in tallahassee. what else is there to do? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desus nice! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> desus: yo! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, desus nice. [cheers and applause] thank you. let's hear it. let's hear it. [cheers and applause] and for those of you at home who might be confused, i'm not charlamagne. i'm the other bald black guy. unless i [bleep] it up, in which case, i'm charlamagne. i'm so excited to be back in my hometown, new york city. [cheers and applause] listen, i have a question. is the bronx in the building? [cheers and applause] what about brooklyn? [cheers and applause] what about staten island?

[boos] >> desus: thank you. i told security not to let them in. listen, we've got a great show for you tonight so let's get into some headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] look, i know there's a lot going on in the world right now. there's so much news. but it's also my first day. i'm still getting used to everything, like where the cameras are. so let's ease into -- shit. so let's ease into everything with some sports news. and by sports news, i mean taylor swift: america's sweetheart. [cheers and applause] she did some charity over the weekend by shining a spotlight on the little unknown sport called football. >> we begin with taylor swift's secret handshake? >> swift attended another kansas city chiefs game to see her rumored boyfriend, travis kelce, and she was sitting with brittany mahomes, wife of quarterback patrick mahomes. they broke out a celebration handshake after the chiefs' touchdown.

[laughter] >> desus: yo, she really nailed that. you can see her concentrating too. "slap, slap, turn, bump -- you got this, girl!" also, props to brittany mahomes. she leveled up! she went from being the quarterback's wife to taylor swift's bff! that's, like, the highest level a white woman can get! i will say, it's a good thing taylor is dating someone on a good team. if she was dating someone on the jets, she wouldn't have a touchdown handshake. she'd just have a reassuring shoulder tap. "we'll get 'em next time. you can't win 'em all. or any of 'em." but let's move on to another legend. he's not selling out stadiums or dominating headlines. but he is an inspiration to millions of people around the world who want to skip out on a check. >> we've heard of dining and dashing, but how about dying and dashing? this lithuanian man was arrested in spain after allegedly faking heart attacks in at least 20 restaurants across the country to avoid paying his bill. police say he would order food

and drinks, and then perform a theatrical fake heart attack that fooled at least 19 restaurants. that was until staff at the 20th restaurant caught on. the bill he was caught on was $37 for some paella and shots of whiskey. >> desus: [laughs] first of all, look at that guy. look at this legend. are we sure he isn't having a heart attack? he looks like he's dying and being born at the same time. i don't know what's worse, that he was "acting" out heart attacks or that he was doing it during the actors strike. stealing is wrong, scabbing is unforgivable, my guy. my other question is, how far did he actually take it? did he actually go to the hospital? or was he just like, "i'm dying! i'm dying! it's fine, i'll just grab an uber. but brock set up. the bread too, please." but you know this only works in a country with universal health care, though.

in the u.s., people pretend they are not having heart attacks to save money. "don't call an ambulance. i will sleep on it." [applause] all right, let's get into some real news. let's talk politics. sheila jackson lee is a congresswoman from texas who's running for mayor of houston. h-town. although, based on some leaked audio that just came out, you know who's not voting for her staff. >> where was it? what date was it? >> uh, jerome took it upstairs. i have to call him. >> i don't want you to do a [bleep] thing. i want you to have a [bleep] brain. i want you to have read it. i want you to say "congresswoman, with such and such date." that's what i want. that's the kind of staff that i want to have. i need to ensure my schedule and, you know, if boo boo did it, shitass did it, [bleep] did it. and nobody knows a [bleep] thing in my office! okay? nothing! i gave it to you. your job was to get it on the calendar. not to, "oh, jerome has it." okay? so when i called jerome, he only

sitting up there like a fat ass stupid idiot talking about what the [bleep] he doesn't know. okay? both of y'all are [bleep] ups. [indistinct] it's the worst shit that i could hav ever had put together. two god damn big ass children [bleep] idiots serve no god damn purpose. >> desus: god damn! listen, if you get an older black woman to talk to you like that, you [bleep] all the way up. the only way you get out of that is fake a heart attack. it is nice to know democrats can get angry about something. because usually they are really meek. "i guess we won't pay off student loans, oh, well." meanwhile, she's like, "hey, which fat ass messed up my calendar? damn it, jerome!" [applause] and you know what? c-span would be the number one channel in america if congress could talk like this.

[applause and laughter] "good afternoon, esteemed colleagues and mother[bleep]. lot of you dumbass [bleep] face shit rags been running your nasty little mouths regarding spending bill hr-337. you little shits really are as stupid as you look. i yield my time." [cheers and applause] good news for sheila because congress has way bigger issues to deal with right now. republicans are trying to figure out a new speaker of the house. and surprise, surprise, even republicans don't like other republicans. >> on friday, house republicans dropped jim jordan of ohio as the nominee in a secret ballot

after his three failed attempts to get elected. >> he's out. he's out. >> at least nine republicans are now vying to be speaker of the house, setting the stage for a new candidate forum tomorrow. among the contenders, byron donalds of florida, retired marine corps lieutenant general jack bergman of michigan and majority whip tom emmer of minnesota, who's backed by ousted speaker kevin mccarthy. >> desus: that's right. they got nine republicans running for speaker now. i'll be honest, i kind of want to root for byron. i feel like he might be my guy. i mean, no particular reason. but for real, though, look at this group of contenders. looks like someone put a bottle of hershey's syrup in the mayonnaise aisle. yo, all these white dudes look the same! in fact, three of them are the same guy, and you didn't even notice. [laughter and applause] that's how similar they all are!

if you ask me, byron can win this thing easy. all he has to do is say, "vote for me and i'll let you say it." yeah, you know that i'm talking about. oh, i'm just kidding, you know they already say it. listen, for more on the race or speaker, we go live to capitol with desi desi lydic. desi, what is your take on the situation? >> in political science terms, republicans are all kind of [bleep] up right now. although, to be honest, the situation isn't bad for many americans. when the house doesn't have a speaker, we don't have to pay any bills. >> desus: um, i'm almost certain that's not true. you have to pay your bills. >> no, i don't think so. they can't pass bills. therefore, i don't have to pay bills. it is political science. it's okay. it's your first day. >> desus: cool, cool, all right. it's been a few weeks now. what can republicans do to find a speaker?

>> republicans can do what women have been doing for centuries. they can settle! [applause] what? they are not getting any younger. it is time to except a speaker who is just good enough. maybe his resume isn't as tall as you had hoped for. maybe he sends you we are pictures of his caucus. or maybe he is jim jordan. well, tough. that is what settling is all about. either he's got a job or he's good and bad. it is never both. he either has a good relationship with his mom, or he's good in bed. it's never both. he can either read, or he's good in bed. it's never both. why can't it ever be both? >> desus: yeah, i'm learning a lot about you, desi. but they're going to have to pick someone. who do you think they should pick? >> oh, that is their choice, desus.

i would never tell republicans what they should do with their legislative body. [cheers and applause] no, no. all i am going to say is, time is of the essence. and their political clock is ticking, okay? maybe, just maybe, kevin mccarthy was the one that got away. you know? they had a mediocre thing going and they took it for granted. look, i know he lies and he is not good with money, and yet, he voted to overturn the election, and he's also probably terrible in bed and can't read, but look, it is cuffing season. for the love of god, just turn off the lights and vote! [cheers and applause] >> desus: desi lydic, everybody! [cheers and applause] so good. listen, when we come back, i will be some real new yorkers. so stick around! [cheers and applause]

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( ♪♪ ) you're welcome, america. man, i wish i was out there. let's unretire. why not? (♪♪) [yelling] dan marino? [record needle scratch] you're alright? 22...22! (♪♪) [whistle] delay of game! number 13! (♪♪) i'm good right here, bro. (♪♪) should we? don't even think about it. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> desus: yes! welcome back to "the daily show." if you know anything about me, i am a real new yorker. i don't know if any of you are all real new yorkers so i hit

the street to find out. what up? it is desus nice. i am on the streets of new york to find out who was a real new yorker. we will find out if it is about being born here or if it's about experience here. follow me. you consider yourself a real new yorker? >> definitely, yes. >> i was born here, brooklyn, brooklyn hospital. >> desus: that's how you know he's a real new yorker. he told me the hospital, i did not ask him. >> desus: are you new yorker? >> i consider myself a new yorker. to be when you consider yourself a new yorker? >> i moved here from hong kong when i was four years old. >> desus: is there one event where you are like, i went through that, i am a you new yorker? >> the whole experience. this in itself is an experience. >> desus: what is the most new york thing you've ever seen? >> probably, when jay-z -- >> desus: as a new yorker, what borough has the worst guys? >> the worst guys? i would say the bronx. [laughter] >> desus: what's wrong with

the bronx? >> i just feel like the bronx is dirty, no offense. >> desus: what about uptown on the bronx? ever been? >> i don't frequent the bronx, bro. >> desus: here we go with the bronx. >> it's afar ass train ride. >> the craziest thing i thought, i was on fordham road and grand concourse and a crack head went right in the middle of the street and took a short shed. that is a craziest thing i had seen. >> desus: is not crazy for fordham road? >> for fordham road, yeah. >> desus: as every new yorker has one of these, have to ask you what is yours? your go to bodega order? >> chopped cheese. >> desus: chopped cheese. the hero or the role? >> the role. >> desus: too much meat? >> yeah, yeah. >> let me get a blt. mayonnaise, salt, pepper, extra tomato. >> you want me to say bacon, eggs, and she is. >> desus: i don't hear that a stereotypical. >> that is what you want me to him. >> desus: if you say that, you are a transplant or ever cover crop. which of these readings is a

better rating, and a or c? >> a means it is clean, the rats that work there have benefits, that kind of thing. do you know what the c means? >> no. >> desus: it is supposed to mean the place is disgusting, there is right here in the food. >> wrong. probably some of the best food, succulent, you will get the chicken off the bone. >> desus: what is the best restaurant rating? [laughter] >> okay. amy and celine, c means -- >> you know. they don't give you no attitude, they ain't got a c. >> chinese shot what the b, the best chicken wings. >> b stands for the best. >> are you a knicks fan? >> die hard. let [bleep] go. >> that is what i love about new yorkers, optimism. >> when the knicks win for championship, what are you going to vandalize? me personally, i'm going to flip the christopher columbus statue at 49th street. get him out of there. >> if you have one piece of advice for anyone about to come

to new york, what would you say? >> mind your business and you won't get [bleep] up. >> mind your business. >> mind your business. >> mind your [bleep] business. >> i think you pass the test. you are a real new yorker. >> about to put on a new yankee fit and some air force ones. >> let's go. go >> even though you completely destroyed the bronx and you called us dirty, you said we are fatherless, i recognize you area true new yorker. >> yes. >> thank you. >> the talent that was giving to me by giuliani, i now proclaim you a true new yorker. this guy is the real deal right here. >> pleasure. >> run for mayor one day. >> let's go mets, let's go knicks. go >> what does it take to be a new yorker? >> you have to have a lot of great and you have to work hard, play hard. you have to be opinionated, hold your own. >> using your own standard of definition of new yorker, you pass the test. >> thanks! >> thank you. you are now a true new yorker. i want you to walk down the street and pump it to someone and not apologize.

>> here we go. here we go. [cheers and applause] >> desus: all right, when we come back, we'll be talking to a real new yorker. congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez will be joining me on the show. don't go away! [cheers and applause] wake up to a scrambler a perfectly mixed up breakfast so water the dog walk the plant and face the day head on scramble your morning. scramble your morning with new oscar mayer scramblers. he hits his mark —center stage—and is crushed by a baby grand piano. you're replacing me? customize and save with liberty bibberty. he doesn't even have a mustache.

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>> how are you? hey, everybody! [cheers and applause] >> desus: aoc. listen, always good to see you. >> always good to see you, bronx side. >> desus: that is our formal introduction, not that b.s. introduction. how have you been? >> i've been good. it's been a little crazy. >> it's been a wild time in congress. what has it been like for you? i see you in social media and you are like, it's a sunny day, and people are like "i hate you." >> [laughs] you know, it is not that different than the 6 train at midnight sometimes. >> desus: got you. >> you know, you get that practice. >> desus: but you still love what you do? >> i do. in fact, i think i love it now more than ever. >> desus: i have to ask you about the house speaker debacle. >> yes. >> desus: from the outside, i

have no idea what is going in. can you really quickly explain it? >> so republicans kicked out their speaker, and now they can't find a new guide to run their group project. >> desus: yes. >> and they are all come alight, fighting with each other about it. >> desus: got you. for a local in the bronx, how does this affect them? >> so in terms of how this affects the bronx, we have a clock ticking on a government shutdown. and if this gets us to a point of a government shutdown, i mean, that is real, right? that is when we start seeing tsa and airports get affected. that is when people could potentially miss their checks. so this is something that is really important for everybody to make sure that we get that pressure on. but also, we need to make sure that we don't have people like jim jordan or extremists because whoever takes over the house could potentially put our democracy in danger when it comes to certifying or r recertifying an election or so

on. >> desus: got you. people say congress doesn't get anything done right now because of the shutdown. what were you guys getting done before? i know you have been doing some work. >> okay, that is an excellent question. i will say, from when republicans took over to now, they provided a lot of mean content. >> desus: yes. >> but before that, when democrats were in the majority, we passed the largest climate package in american history. >> desus: okay. [cheers and applause] >> we capped insulin at $35 for my people we made sure that when the pandemic went through, we started the program of child tax credits. now we have some folks in the senate shut that down but when we take back the senate, we want to make sure that we reestablish and expand those programs back again too. [cheers and applause] >> desus: okay. >> we are able to do some things, they are on the struggle

bus a little bit. >> desus: put some respect in my name. i feel you. we just did about the piece about the people running for house speaker. who are you voting for? >> none of them, i can tell you that. [laughs] i will be casting my vote for hakeem jeffries. [cheers and applause] >> desus: all right. shouts out to the parents, the immigrants are the lifeblood of new york city. our mayor, eric adams, he said we can handle anymore here. you represent one of the most diverse districts in congress. what can be done at a federal level to help? >> well, here's the thing, is that i think, weather, from all parts of the political spectrum, one of the biggest issues that we have when it comes to immigration is the fact that we have an undocumented population. now you can fix that by trying to build a wall or you can fix that by trying to document people and create a path to citizenship. [cheers and applause]

and we will have folks that might say, look at these systems that are shelter system has weight and things like that, but one of the reasons that our public systems experience weight is because people don't have a documented and reliable path to work and sustain themselves. just like all of our ancestors did, and our grandparents and grand del my great grandparents. i always love when people talk about, oh, my great grandfather came and he wrote his name wrong on a book and now he is a citizen. like, can we put two and two together, that our processes today are so difficult, that they make our immigration process difficult. but that doesn't mean that immigrants do not create a positive contribution to our country and our economy and our society. and so the answer should really be, we should make it easier to be legal, documented, at a citizen of the united states. [cheers and applause] >> desus: it was great talking

to you. thank you for coming. give it up for congresswoman alexandria ocasio-cortez! [cheers and applause] we will take a quick break. we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ booking.com vacation ideas? a ski resort! how about a hotel with a spa for mom? i like that idea. play ball in more places booking.com/booking.yeah

chocolate and caramel. and a crunchy cookie?! it's more than more. it's more... (groan) errr!!! yes! it's more-er! (vampire hissing) hmm. more-er. there's more-errr!!! to a twix! hey-y-y! (glass shattering) (sigh) your cousin. ♪ from boston ♪ it means, "ok to beer fest". another sam octoberfest? nein. cousin: make it ten! i like this guy. (laughter) so how would you describe the chicken to someone who had never tasted it? literally melt in your mouth tender. we don't have a freezer, you know, it's almost like a farmer's market. when you walk into the restaurant, you should hear the sizzle that you're hearing right now.

just sends all those waves up to your mouth. you're making me hungry! [swords clanging] [yipping] [rumbling] [rumbling] [explosions] [whooshing] [crashing] ♪ “nautilus" by anna meredith ♪ [swords clanging] [yipping] [music builds and fades] [distant crashing nears] [swords clanging] [music resumes] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desus: yo! that's our show for tonight. before we go, please consider supporting dreamyard. they're dedicated to working

with bronx youth, families, and schools to build pathways toward equity and opportunity through the arts. if you can donate, please click the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i hope you don't take this seriously but do you have any idea how clannish you look? one of your members blocked nancy nate mason and made a pussycat emoji at him. it is seriously like high school. we need a speaker! the country need a speaker! this isn't about, you know, prom king. >> there are some angry people, and -- >> you know what? none of us out here ca - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪