pe oh, man, i'd have to sell beats. probably submit them for competition. what? yeah, i know it sounds stupid, but nationals has always kind of been a dream of mine. how have we never talked about this before? wait, you don't even care about nationals. nothing? i don't know i've always wanted to own a bike shop, but what about you? i'd like to sell one big thing, you know, like a plane, one sale, i'm out. that's a lovely. anyway, robert's going to run this company into the ground. so we won't be doing this in six months. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desus nice! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> desus: let's go! let's go! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host this week, what's my name? [crowd says "desus nice!"] >> desus: that's right. it's great to be back hosting for a second night. i got to say, it is kind of like we are in a relationship now. i'm getting pretty comfortable here, you know? i might start taking a dump with the door open. hell, i might be taking a dump right now! you don't know. anyway, we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off in congress, where today, republicans were once again trying to pick a new speaker. after kevin mccarthy was kicked out, and steve scalise failed,

and jim jordan also failed, today they nominated some poor bastard named tom emmer. this dude was their nominee for 4 hours! then he dropped out. martin scorsese and her making movies that last longer than speaker candidates. if you saw this afternoon, you missed this dude's entire nomination. personally, i was disappointed. i was looking forward to tom and tom emmer being speaker. >> the gentleman is recognized for 5 minutes. >> thank you, madam chairman. i hope the strike will last more than 5 minutes. today's gig economy sprung up from the last recession, offering a job to anyone who wants. during covid-19, we must make sure that our nation providers in the smallest of small businesses receive timely -- >> gentlemen, suspend. i am sorry.

mr. emmer, are you okay? >> desus: [laughs] yo. does he look okay? i've never seen anyone look less okay in my life. how does that even happen? was the laptop upside down? was he upside down? we all use a zoom. that is not even an option in zoom. he had to code that himself. we have been using zoom for over three years, i have never seen anyone do anything close to that. like, i get embarrassed when i am muted on zoom. this guys and a whole different dimension! still, he would have made a great speaker. just as long as congress never had to attach a pdf to an email. but let's move on to our next story. it's a little dark. obviously, might be a little too dark for me to talk about. you know who can talk about it? my alter-ego: dark desus! ♪ ♪ we have a special effects budget, clearly. let's talk about airplanes. you know how on the airplane they've got that big door to the cockpit, and they keep that locked tight so no one can get in?

they don't want anybody trying to grab the controls, right, so they keep that door locked. and that works. unless the guy who wants to crash the plane is already in the cockpit? and that is what happened here. >> this morning, the off-duty pilot accused of trying to take down a passenger plane heading to court to face more than 100 charges including 83 counts of attempted murder. 44-year-old joseph emerson allegedly trying to crash an alaska airlines flight from everett, washington, to san francisco on sunday with 84 people on board. >> we got the guy that tried to shut the engines down out of the cockpit. >> emerson sitting in the jump seat of the embraer e175 cockpit situated right behind this instrument console between the captain and co-pilot. according to a federal official, he allegedly tried to pull the engine fire extinguisher handles located right here before being subdued by the flight crew. >> desus: hold on, wait? [laughs] why is there a handle that crashes the plane?

like, who asked for that? and also, why does the news very explicitly show us where his hand is? they were like, he pulled this letter. not that one, that one over there. the big one on the left. you have to pull it hard, though. in order to get to the cockpit, use code 2173. that works for all planes. listen, it is time for some financial news. "the daily show" is a serious show. i know some people expected me to come on here and do my thing where i just roast people i have beef with, but this is a serious show, this is a serious chair. serious desk. now i will give you some important financial news. so important, i have to put on my spectacles. financial news. >> popular radio host dj envy now distancing himself from an alleged multimillion-dollar fraud scheme. >> desus: not d.j. envious? that was never on my radar. go on! >> federal agents arresting his long-time friend and one-time business partner caesar pina in new jersey on charges of wire fraud, accusing him of a ponzi-like real estate scheme that allegedly defrauded

investors out of millions. pina often appeared on "the breakfast club," a top 20 iheart radio show with millions of listeners and youtube subscribers to promote real estate investment. he also held seminars and created youtube videos with dj envy. dj envy has not been charged in connection with the case, but many of the alleged victims say they were influenced by his celebrity status. >> desus: mm, mm, mm. wow, dj envy is in trouble for real estate fraud. what a serious story. it's definitely not funny. there's certainly nothing personal that makes it funny to me. it's not like raashaun accosted me on the radio for making a little joke about him and his wife, which i only did because i thought we were friends. it's not like he called me a dickhead and then got so mad, he locked himself in the studio for the rest of the show and then told the building security that i was a threat. even if that happened, that was all in the past. [applause] i'm just reading the news.

listen! and apparently, the news is, d.j. nevada might go to jail for a ponzi scheme flipping houses in new jersey. that's not hilarious. it's tragic, because he's just a dj. there's no way he could have known he might have been involved in a ponzi scheme. right? >> when i got into real estate, i called three people. i called clue, i called fabolous and i called joe budden. joe budden told me it was a ponzi scheme and i was going to jail. funny. >> desus: that clip is not funny. we are not laughing at this. or asking who's the dickhead now. i'm being serious. look at these spectacles. this could have happened to anybody. whenever i am doing financial transactions, i also get advice from joe budden, fabulos and, dj clue. everyone knows those are the lehman brothers of hiphop. and look, i don't want envy to go to prison. i mean, imagine getting locked up for one of the least cool crimes in hip hop history. this is a property brothers ass crimes. forget the blood scum he is going to have to join the house hunters. again, i'm just doing the news.

and the news is that dj envy is a dj, a man who turns tables. and now the tables have turned. [cheers and applause] for more on this alleged crime, let's go to one of these allege a, with dulce sloan! [cheers and applause] dulce! [cheers and applause] dulce, you got to feel sorry for the people that lost all that money. >> [laughs] no, i don't. listen. i feel bad for ugly people, i feel bad for orphans who can't sing, but these people their money to a dj. you can't trust a d.j. with money. you can barely trust a dj to dj! you should be flipping records, not houses. i should know, i went on a date with a d.j. come because who hasn't? and he gave me the check. i asked if he was going to pay. he said, sorry, i don't take requests. >> desus: i hear you. people gotta keep their money

where it's safe. like banks and other investments. >> desus: what? no. wall street is going to mess your money up like no one else. bank of america, stealing your money. silicon bank? collapse. goldman sachs? guess what their ceo does on the side? he's a [bleep] dj! [laughter and applause] >> desus: good lord. >> you can't trust wall street. they screw you over and it's legal. >> desus: so what am i supposed to do with my money? >> oh, it's easy, friend! you leave your money at the bank of dulce! or el banco de dulce! sponsored by telemundo. listen, i'll offer you a safe place for any of your financial deposits. okay, what interest rates are you offering? >> oh, nuh-uh. there's none of that. i'm gonna keep it under my mattress, just like my grandma. who is also our head of security. 100% safe. >> desus: and you're not going

to spend my money, right? >> i'm going to spend some of your money because i am taking on all the risk. >> desus: what risk? >> what you mean? i am putting a bank in my house! it is risky as hell. you will maybe lose a little bit but not as much as you'd lose with dj envy. >> desus: come on, money on your mattress? >> do you even have fdic insurance? >> oh, trust me: i "f" some "d-i-c" on that mattress all the time. so you good. >> desus: deal! dulce sloan, everybody. when we come back, lewis black watches "the golden bachelor." so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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-me too! -no way! ah man. -i'll see ya man. -yeah bye. the debit card that builds credit. get your experian smart money™ account through the free app. >> desus: [laughs] yo, welcome back to "the daily show." sometimes news falls through the cracks. when that happens, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> getting old isn't fun. my back hurts, my mind sucks. there are some perks to aging, but i can't [bleep] remember them! i guess one of the upsides is that i can get away with shoplifting. if i get caught, i just do the mitch mcconnell thing and pretend my brain's leaking out of my ears.

[applause] but recently, old people have an even better thing to enjoy. >> get ready for a bit of a spin on abc's long running show, "the bachelor." this time around, it's a 71-year-old man looking for love. >> it's a new twist on a classic show. after 20 years of "the bachelor" on abc, 71-year-old gerry turner is the first "golden bachelor." 22 women, aged 60 and older, will step into the spotlight hoping to find love with the golden bachelor. >> he's gerry. >> and i'm your first golden bachelor. >> finally, a dating show where all the contestants are just like me: old and willing to degrade themselves on camera. now if you are wondering if he is one of those cool old guys, he's not. none of us are!

>> gerry turner revealed how it's been getting back into the dating game. >> i've had to learn a few lessons. my granddaughters have been helpful. i had to bone up on some of the emojis and some of the more trendy words that are used right now. >> oh, i feel ya, gerry. there's a lot of new slang out there. but it's pretty simple. "cringe" means awkward. "mid" means mediocre. and "rizz" is something i got from a hooker in the '80s. don't worry. penicillin cleared that rizz right up. and emojis are easy, gerry! this means penis. this means penis. this means penis. this is a guy getting a haircut, although i use it to mean penis! now, i'll be honest. as an older gentleman in my, well, let's say, 40s, it is nice to see a tv show that really nails senior dating. i can't tell you how often i'm

going on horseback rides, taking trips in hot air balloons, and forcing women to play pickleball to impress me! seriously! pickleball? [bleep] pickleball! [cheers and applause] really, my only problem with this show is the guy they chose to be the golden bachelor. well, he's a [bleep] shmuck! >> whooo! i'm fired up today! i get to play pickleball! every door that opened was like the best christmas ever. >> you don't stop believing! >> that's great. >> you just don't stop believing. ♪ ♪ >> i like to dance. >> okay, come on, you're so good already! >> what do you say to guys who have really only known you a short time that tell you you're a really sexy woman? >> oh, christ.

this guy is like if the word "gee-willikers" became a person. seriously, gerry. stop talking about your emotions. we're boomers, you dickhead. just get drunk and wonder where your life went wrong in silence! dignified silence! i am talking to you, gerry. and i do have to give credit to this show. "the golden bachelor" is proof that people of any age can be milked for drama. >> he's gonna send you home. woman >> i want to wring the little one's neck. >> in her mind, gerry is hers. >> we're getting a little bit jealous. >> you know, people aren't necessarily very nice. >> you made it sound like you chose me. >> this just isn't worth all of it. >> i can't keep going like this. >> i just don't have the connection that i did. i'm sorry. >> oh, my god. how is this happening? >> d>> what the [bleep] is this?

to quote mitch mcconnell... this show is beyond disturbing. "the golden bachelor"? i would rather watch a golden shower. really? seriously? that is your reaction is kind of a whiny reaction? are you serious? golden bachelor set up golden shower! you serve them that before you even came in here! [applause] well, at least those people are having fun! my generation is a bunch of idiots. but we don't need to prove it again, not on prime time. and the scary thing is, this show could be my future. is this where i end up, when my

"the daily show" contract finally runs out in 2045? it certainly has good ratings, which means we could be getting more reality tv spin-offs, like "the amazing race: the walk to the mailbox." or, "masterchef senior: foods you can gum." or, "naked and afraid and suffering from dementia." and of course, "survivor: well, maybe until thursday." my point is, we don't need a show that makes old people look cool and happy. any old person tells you, these are the best years of their lives needs to be institutionalized. and if they are going to make ten more seasons of this shit, they are going to need to legalize euthanasia. desus? >> desus: thank you, lewis. my guy! when we come back, nana kwame adjei-brenyah will be joining me on the show. so don't go away!

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and lattes. great. oh... we want to be invited. great. and... not attend. (chuckling) great. we want to take the shortcut... (gasps) you lost? and not be in danger. reverse. sadly, we can't have it all. except at sport clips, where we check in with the pros in men's hair and totally check out with pure, uninterrupted relaxation. sport clips. it's a game changer. [cheers and applause] >> desus: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a bestselling author whose latest book, "chain-gang all-stars," is a finalist for the national book award. please welcome my man, nana kwame adjei-brenyah! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

wow! okay, okay! now full disclosure, you currently reside in what burl? >> the bronx! >> desus: yes, sir! [cheers and applause] i'm only telling you all because if you see the drip, you wonder. [laughter] your first novel, tell us about it? you are super popular, everyone i talk to, i say i'm having you on the show and everyone is like, i read that book already. >> thank you, i appreciate it. my first novel is an imagined future in which convicted wards of state can opt out of the future of a least 25 years and participate in death matches. it is really about abolition of prison system, but in a fun way fun way. >> desus: [laughs] so basically, incarcerated people can fight to the death to become free? >> they become gladiators and they are fighting for their freedom, yet. >> desus: don't give eric adams that idea, man. [laughter] >> this is a satirical but no macbook, eric adams, please. >> desus: is it hard to write a dystopian novel because we are

kind of living in a dystopian novel right now? >> broke, it is crazy to see it. i started this book about seven years ago, almost eight years ago. in the process of writing it, yeah i sort of watched the world become more and more aware of some of the things i was thinking about because it was becoming more and more true, we were seeing just how heinous the system was in so many different ways. and so it is difficult, but also makes me feel like, you know, maybe i am doing something that needs to be done. >> desus: got you. in your book, it is a for-profit prison system, which is kind of similar to the nfl? do you see any parallels there? >> yes. [laughter] well, no, i mean, i think that in general, i sort of, the consumer culture, we have this idea where people's bodies or things to be entertained by. we have become really comfortable viewing humans as a means to the end come outside of being a means to an end in and outside of themselves. i think the nfl is particularly

heinous. i think that is the big juggernaut of evil white men selling black bodies. [applause] >> desus: well. >> but i think that paradigm exist in a lot of other places too. >> desus: got you, guide you. in this book, your protagonist is a black woman? >> yes. >> desus: without a conscious choice? >> absolutely there was. i think there is a specific way in which a black woman can be respected and disrespected in the same breath. you think about serena williams, both she and lebron understand a particular way of being in the world but i think serena understand something to her, which is always being disrespected and reduced to something of sexuality, her image, that we are little jabs they give her. i think that intersection of being a woman, being an athlete, being someone who is in the eye of the public from all of those things are important for this book and so it makes sense for the protagonist to be a woman. >> desus: i recently hosted a gala for the bronx defenders, the public defenders in the

bronx. but your father is also a defense attorney? >> yeah, he was. >> desus: to that effect your view on the criminal justice? >> it absolutely did. he told me about how he was in the middle of defending someone who had committed a murder -- >> desus: got you. >> i remember thinking, dang, i guess my father is a villain. he is a fat guy. i remember him telling me, it is not that simple. and just in that little moment, i was happily 11, tenish, a little seed was planted, a big part of how this book came to be. >> desus: how satisfying does it feel to complete your first book? >> oh, my god. it is the biggest reward, to be honest. the day where i sent it an end it was done don, don don , i am just grateful it is out there. i'm grateful people are reading it, grateful people are thinking about the prison system and how i could maybe be more compassionate, so that is the big gift. >> desus: this might be a

little disrespectful to you. [bleep], mary, kale tori to toni morrison, zora neae hurston? james baldwin? >> toni is a god so i want to marry her. and then i feel bad to even say it. zora neale hurston and i would have some relations. >> desus: [laughs] [laughter] >> desus: we will be right back! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] you don't need the same duracell batteries

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[cheers and applause] >> desus: that's our show for tonight but before we go: please consider supporting food education fund. they prepare and empower students with lessons in the culinary arts, hospitality, and entrepreneurship. if you can, please donate at the link below. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> i am for us. i am for us. you know how you spell us, right? you spell us, u.s. i just picked that up. has anyone ever thought of that? i just picked that up. a couple of days, i'm reading, and it said us. and i said, you know, if you think about it, us equals u.s. isn't that -- now if we say something jeannie is, they will something jeannie is, they will never - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪