all right, you can take it, but i want it back. oh, yeah. so, uh, what are you guys gonna do today? oh, this and... that. and the other. boy, i really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple. [♪♪] america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desus nice! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> desus: welcome to "the daily show!" i am desus nice. can i get a yeah? [cheers and applause] yo, we've got a great show for you tonight. i'm super excited, a little for this show but mostly because the night is the greatest team in basketball's opening. the new york knicks! [cheers and applause] now win or lose, i will be on the street outside the ms tree screaming. so if i don't have a voice tomorrow, you know why. but i do have a voice now, so let's get into some [bleep] headlines. [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with big news about the speaker race in congress. after spending three weeks on the dating scene temple republicans are finally swiping right, far right.

>> breaking news out of washington, house lawmakers finally elected the new speaker of the house. >> after 22 days, 14 candidates, and four nominees, house republicans united to elect congressman mike johnson of louisiana, the new speaker of the house. >> republicans finally named conservative congressman mike johnson. >> it is about time. >> desus: [laughs] that is right. america's new speaker of the house is some dude named to mike johnson? i will be honest. that sounds like the name you give a hotel when you are checking in after having an affair. "my name is... mike johnson?" mike johnson? you rent rooms by the hour?" now if you don't know mike johnson, don't worry. nobody else does. but what they do know is that he wants nationwide limits on abortion -- [boos] he wants to criminalize gay s

sex -- [boos] and he even wants to ban reggaton. [boos] i'm lying on the last one but that seems like his vibe. the one thing that people know about this dude, he was one of the main guys trying to steal the election for donald trump. [boos] but apparently, he doesn't want to talk about that anymore. >> johnson is a staunch trump ally who recruited republicans to sign on to efforts to overturn the 2020 election. i asked him if he stands by that vote. >> you helped lead the efforts to overturn the 2020 election results. [boos] >> shut up, shut up! [laughter and applause] >> desus: all right, someone, come get their nana... so at first when i saw that reaction, i was like, damn, that was a lot. but then i learned the reporter who asked the question was black. then it made a little more

sense. especially when i found out that shut up lady is named virginia? and she represents north carolina. that's a lot of southern heritage right there. i bet you she was born in some small town named plantationville or something. where was she born? oh. [audience reacts] oh, she from the bx? bx all day? wait. yo! i remember her! yo! she used to be on the block! that's ginny from 149! we used to go to high school together! she got old as shit. i will see her at the reunion, though. all right, let's move it onto the restaurant that has had it with you and your loud as kids. >> the restaurant charging customers a new fee. it's a bad parenting fee.

>> the menu at a restaurant in georgia lists a surcharge for adults, "unable to parent." yikes. one customer was charged $50 for their kids behavior. critics of the policy say children are unpredictable, but supporters say it keeps parents in check. >> desus: i don't understand why this is necessary. we already have restaurants where you can go and there is no kids there. it is called the strip. no, for real. they've got the best sushi in new york city. we'll sushi out there. if they are going to do this, they should charge based on what your kid did. is your kid during french fries? ten bucks. is your kid putting their mouth on the ketchup bottle like it is their mom is titty? 20. is your kid not really doing anything but he keeps staring at my table like a creepy ghost? 50 bucks. so i fully support this. it's almost as good as my idea to keep kids in line, this lady. >> shut up!

>> desus: problem solve. all right, let's move on, because a big internet debate has finally been settled. i'm not talking about whether justin timberlake should get a pass for his wigger phase. i am talking about whether you would rather have $500,000 or lunch with jay-z. now people have been arguing about this for years, but now hova himself has weighed in. >> there's something interesting online, jay, i'd love to hear what you think about this. if you had a choice between getting paid $500,000 in cash or lunch with jay-z, which would you choose? >> you got to -- got to take the money. >> people say, of course you take you take lunch with jay-z because the wisdom that you would get from him would be so beneficial to you -- you would take the money? >> take the $500,000, go buy some albums, and listen to the albums. the blueprint literally to me and my life and my journey is there already.

>> desus: that's your advice? we've been listening to your music! and we are not billionaires! all i've learned is concrete jungles are where dreams are made of. and i have no idea what that means. i do be singing that hell out of that of the club, though. by the way, this only works for jay-z. no other wrapper commands anything close to half a million dollars. any other rapper, it would be like, you want $142, or tapas with da baby? the only thing you got to remember is if you do take the money, just don't invest it with who? [crowd says "d.j. nevada"] >> desus: hey! [applause] but yeah, jay-z says to take the 500 grand instead of lunch with him. which makes me wonder, why doesn't jay-z want to eat lunch with him? kind of sounds like he's hiding something.

what if he doesn't want you to eat lunch with him because he is secretly a picky eater? "i don't like the mouth feel of mashed potatoes. it is making my tongu itch. do you know how they raised tilapia? it's a bottom feeder. yo, box this bread. i didn't get rich by wasting bread. take the condiments home. i haven't paid for catch up in ten years. your boy." "i can't eat with that creepy ghost kid staring at me." listen, for more on this, we turn to michael kosta and grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] michael, let's start with you. 500 grand or lunch with jay-z? what's the right choice? >> it's easy, desus, you take the money. what financial advice is jay-z gonna give me?

hey, michael, become the greatest rapper in history? at best, i could make it into the top 20. let me show you what i got, desus, drop me a beat. ♪ felon, killing him a bad boy drilling ♪ >> desus: absolutely not. grace, what about you? do you take the money? >> no way, you definitely have lunch with jay-z. look at his list of accomplishments. he married beyonce, he dated beyonce. he probably has beyonce's phone number. so yeah, definitely lunch. screw the 500 grand. i would pay that much to have beyonce spit on me. >> yes, of course we'd all pay half a mill for beyonce to spit on us, but that's not the question, grace. between jay-z or half a million, you got to take the money! >> this is why your rap career stalled, michael. you don't think big enough. you don't have to choose between jay z and the money.

what you have to do is, have lunch with mr. z, but you tell him you only eat gold coins, like a my strange addiction thing. then, after a couple of hours in the emergency room, you are rich! >> no, no, you can't meet jay-z and poop out gold. it is not your birthday, okay? money or lunch. you have to choose. >> but i don't, though. [laughs] to quote jay-z, "no thank you!" >> desus: what jay-z song is that from? >> oh, it's not from a song. i just assume at some point jay-z has definitely said, "no thank you." my point is, having lunch with mr. knowles could still make me rich. investment. dividends. profit! these are all words he could define for me! >> grace, you are making this too complicated. do what i'd do, just take the $500,000, invest it in a sensible index fund.

then, in five years, i take the principle, take it to vegas, put it all on black. i win big, now i'm a high roller, i get front-row seats to the big prize fight, who's in the front row? boom. jay-z! fell out, that way i can also i pretend one of my contacts fell out, that way i can also pretend i don't recognize him at first, which will make him feel normal and remind him of simpler times. i give him some of the kosta charm, we exchange numbers, i ask him to lunch. then, when we meet up, i play him some of my rap demos. >> yes, yes! you play your rap demos, beyonce hears them, she's so offended by what she is hearing that she spits on you. you are a genius! [applause] [cheers and applause] >> i am a genius, and i mean

this. my boy sneezes, allergy season -- desus, give me a beat! give me a beat! >> desus: we are out of time! michael kosta and grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we find out the truth behind lanternflies. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] [explosion]

♪ ♪ karangailyg ♪ ♪ kara ♪ ♪ hovaa ♪ ♪ o, ♪ ♪ dyngyl - dyngylda-a-ai ♪ ♪ ♪ want luxury hair repair that doesn't cost $50?

pantene's pro-vitamin formula repairs hair. as well as the leading luxury bonding treatment. for softness and resilience, without the price tag. if you know... you know it's pantene. carl never really thought much of his credit scores. until he got credit karma and used his scores to score more. like this less humble, humble abode. that's what i'm talking about carl. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. (alarm ring) let's go. everything they've tasted until now. ok. was just practice for this. oh my goodness gracious. these are the two sauces. sweet and spicy jam, and the mambo. look how that thang drizzle on there. the way it's glistening, stop. oh my. mh, mh, mh. sweet & spicy jam and mambo sauce are on the mcdonald's menu for a limited time. oh my goodness. ♪ba da ba ba ba♪ [cheers and applause]

>> desus: welcome back to "the daily show." there are a lot a lot of conspiracy theories out there, and i believe, like, 80% of them are true, which is why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies you might have missed. >> conspiracies. they are everywhere. or are they nowhere? or is not exactly what they want you to think? so that's where that while it is. for every d, there is a me. i'm kevin matthew kemp. follow me as i pull back the curtain to find the truth behind the curtain. this is "project conspiracy." new york has been the victim of countless animal invasions. apes, lizards, beetles, and now, there is a new invader wreaking havoc on new york, and it might just be the most dangerous one

yet. ♪ ♪ the spotted lanternfly. >> the invasion of the spotted lanternfly. >> they wreak havoc on more than 70 varieties of plants. speak of the spotted lanternfly's are everywhere. >> once they stick, they breed quickly. >> you walked out any sidewalk in the city and you will see them, a bug, seemingly biologically engineered to be squished. easy to spot. docile. with a slight crunch that tickles the ear. damn it. now i have killed my fair share of animals. and every single time, the officials tell me to please leave the zoo. so why is it that this time, the government agrees with me? >> this is so much poo. >> officials are telling residents to stop and squash.

>> squash, stomp. >> if you see it, smash it. >> just go whack, whack on the flip-flops. >> is much as i love stomping the life out of things come anytime i agree with the government, it means that something is not right. it is time to get to the bottom of this bugpsiracy lanternflys, where do they come from? well, the government claims they migrated from china. that is an obvious lie. china has to be at least 50 miles from new york. wei too far for a bug to fly. nice try, deep state. i am not taking the bait. so the real question is, who or what would stand to gain from continuously smashing... ah! while seeking treatment for my battle wounds, suddenly, i realized the answer.

open bracket whispering] podiatrists. podiatrists. come on, there has always been something shady about podiatrists. a doctor just for your feet? that is like having a doctor only for your heart. doesn't make any sense. but if these guys were going to get rich, they would have to manufacture demand. damn it! the most obvious way to do that is to create a fake bug crisis, laundered to the american people through the u.s. government, enticing us to walk directly into their offices. ♪ ♪ it is a plan so jeannie asked you almost to respect it but i don't. and now all i need is some proof that could bring this flip-flop to heal. that's a good one. i bet you are getting so many patients at a vendor themselves from stomping on lanternflies. must be a real gold mine for you. >> no, you are the first i have seen.

most people are able to gently step on them without injuring themselves. >> uh-hu. enough small talk. where is it? where are you reading the lantern flies? what is this? what is this, the foot of the last guy that got too close? you are never going to catch me. your security has never seen someone move this fast. >> just be careful. your shoe -- >> you are never going to catch me. you are not going to get my co-pay either. >> i will see you in two weeks! >> from up here, it is easy to see the vastness of this conspiracy. millions of feet, hunting down millions of lantern flies, making millions of dollars for bigfoot. now that i know the truth, i'm not going to be a part of it anymore. just one more can't hurt. got you! ♪ ♪

whoa! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desus: rest in peace, kevin. when we come back, wnba champion sydney colson will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] you don't need the same duracell batteries that help power williams racing... (car engine revving) until you do. duracell is a proud partner of williams racing.

here's why you should switch fo to duckduckgo on all your devie duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie.

and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. we want it all. we want our dog to fetch it... drop it. and drop it. drop it! we want to fix it ourselves... ooh! and... actually fix it. we want to order the market price lobster and know the market price of the lobster. how much is... whatever the market says. sadly, we can't have it all. except at sport clips, where we check in with the pros in men's hair and totally check out with pure, uninterrupted relaxation. sport clips. it's a game changer.

[cheers and applause] >> desus: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a two-time wnba champion who plays for the las vegas aces. please welcome sydney colson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ sydney! sydney! congratulations on another championship. >> thank you. [cheers and applause] okay, we got vegas fans in here? >> desus: we got biggest fans everywhere. this is supposed to be liberty turf. >> there is two. >> desus: did you come here to close? >> no, i am sorry. >> yes, actually.

>> desus: talk that talk. >> i don't have to. most of them are cheering for the aces, i love it. i think we just got w fans here. i appreciate it. [cheers and applause] >> desus: actually, i was at that game and it was the highest rated game in the wnba history. this season from people are actually watching games, coming out. what does it feel like to be part of that movement? we are now more visible and people are really welcoming the wnba? >> it is incredible. i think about when i came in the league in 2011 and what it looks like then versus what these arenas will look like today and what -- how many times we will see players on commercials and on tv shows, just a variety of things. more than anything i ever expected to see in my time that i was playing. especially as a young black player, to see women that look like me doing it and killing it, i was like, just got to keep working. [cheers and applause] >> desus: now going into game 4, you were down two star

players, and that is the game you had choice words? i think we have a quick. >> people wanted to count us out because we had two of our starters down but they don't know, we've got some dogs on the steam! i got two words to say! night-night! >> desus: wow! [cheers and applause] i mean... it's got the ring! but are you one of the best trash talkers in the wnba? >> when i tell you i'm not even a trash talker, i am not. this particular moment blew up and it makes me look like such -- >> desus: i am loving it. >> a. >> desus: loving your villain era. >> i didn't even know i would be in it. i am trolling people at this point because i don't care. they are like, you only had two points. how is she on "the daily show"? that is going to be it today. >> desus: speaking of two points, kind of got cooked on

twitter today by a'ja. >> my own teammate. >> desus: she said, you thought the whole team was going to see usher, and she tweeted a response, "lololol, sis scores two points in game 4 and think she gets tickets to usher? are you responding to that? is this like playful rivalry? >> this is for sure. >> desus: i love that. you haven't seen that before in the wnba, even the rivalry between the liberty and you. you guys respect each other on such a level. >> for sure. it is like, would you got a sibling or cousins that you grew up with, you rag on each other, you joke on each other, but you love them. >> desus: got you, got you. you are now working on a new unscripted comedy series called "syd & tp show." are you trying to take my job? [laughter] tell me about the show. >> so the log line is two wnba benchwarmers or try to become the face of the league even though nobody asked them to.

it is just hilarious. there is a lot of man on the street type stuff. if you sketches that we do. and i was just -- anybody who knows our personalities or seen us on the aces social, i think they will enjoy it. >> desus: thought to have me on. >> season two, we are hoping for it. come on! >> desus: "the syd & tp show" is now streaming on fubo's maximum effort channel and fubo sports. we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this! sydney! [cheers and applause]

when the murrays discovered gain scent beads, they fell in love with the irresistible scent. ♪ ♪ huh, huh, so did their dog roger. ♪ ♪ gain scent beads keep even the stinkiest stuff smelling fresh. ♪ dramatic music ♪ [flight attendant alert] [baby crying] [snoring] [luggage rattling] [baby crying] ♪ dramatic music ♪ ♪ upbeat music begins ♪ for everyone who's endured the bad seat, finally, sweet, sweet redemption. the lexus tx. three-row luxury that treats every seat like the best seat. (♪♪) bipolar 1, i got help to push back. i got help to push back. we got help to push back -

with lybalvi. once-daily prescription lybalvi is proven to treat manic or mixed episodes of bipolar 1 in adults to help you push back. elderly patients with dementia have an increased risk of death or stroke. do not take lybalvi if you are taking opioids or are in opioid withdrawal. the samidorphan in lybalvi can cause severe opioid withdrawal that can lead to hospitalization or increase risk of life-threatening overdose. get emergency help if you have trouble breathing, become very drowsy with slowed or shallow breathing, or feel faint, very dizzy, or confused; or if you have fever, stiff muscles, confusion, rash, swollen glands, or problems with your liver, kidneys, heart, or lungs. other serious side effects may include high cholesterol, weight gain, potentially fatal high blood sugar, uncontrolled body movements, which may be permanent, dizziness upon standing, or falls. are you ready to push back against bipolar 1? ask your doctor if lybalvi is right for you. [cheers and applause] >> desus: that's our show for tonight but before we go:

please consider supporting the bronx defenders. they are a public defender nonprofit that is radically transforming how low income people in the bronx are represented in the justice system. if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is. your "moment of zen." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> there is now a push being floated by former spea speaker mccarthy to be reinstalled as spea speaker mccarthy, alongside jim jordan as the assistant speaker. two points to make her -- and i do hear your laughter. two points to make here. first, is one source who was -- [laughter] i can't even continue with you. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪