- thank you, santa. it's real slippery out here. [rhythmic sound approaches] - oh, my god. - twelve drummers drumming. [rhythm picks up] ♪ ♪ [crisp military-like drumming] [clang] merry christmas, erin. take it away, boys! [drumming continues] ♪ ♪ [clang] [cheers and applause] >> from new york city, the only city in america, it's the show that invented news! this is "the daily show" with your host... leslie jones! [cheers and applause]

usable ♪ ♪[cheers and applause] >> leslie: all right! let's go! [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show," i'm leslie jones! [cheers and applause] last time i hosted the show i solved all of america's problems. but then you all [bleep] everything up again! acting like you got a substitute teacher, showing your ass. guess what? ms. jones is back in class now! [cheers and applause] so let's get these headlines! ♪ ♪

let's get started with something exciting. the republican presidential primary! yeah, can't you feel the energy? [laughter] look at those [bleep] winners! but i hope you are not getting attached to them because they ain't gonna be here long. >> breaking overnight, a shocking announcement from south carolina senator tim scott. he is dropping out of the race for the republican presidential nomination after failing to gain traction in the polls. >> as scott himself asked point, he simply did not think he had enough support from voters to keep trudging for the nomination. >> i think the voters, who are the most for markable people on the planet, been really clear that they are telling me "not now, tim." [laughter and applause] >> leslie: not now? not now? no. not now it's what you say when a

telemarketer calls you during the dinner time. this was more like "we ain't going to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever vote for you [bleep] ass antiabortion, antigay milk dog looking [bleep]!" [cheers and applause] but what's really surprising about this is we finally got to meet tim scott's mystery girlfriend. he brought her out on stage and then a week later he drops out. [laughter] and you know she was only dating him because she thought he was going to be the president. i bet you he is now like "well, i fell short, but at least we've got each other, baby." "baby was quote? "where did you go, baby?"

>> leslie: hopefully they haven't been dating too long because you know connecticut has a two week return on white women. don't take the tags off, tim! [laughter and applause] anyway i'm a tim scott is out of the race because when it comes down to it, he just couldn't compete with donald trump. which is crazy to me because trump is the dude that is saying shit like this. >> donald trump echoed the dangerous language of infamous fascist leaders. trump vowed to root out the "vermin within the country." >> we pledge to you that we will root out the communist, marxist, fascist, and a radical left thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our country, that lie and steal and cheat on elections. >> meanwhile, donald trump is essentially confirming reports that he plans to get revenge on

his critics if he wins a second term. >> yeah, it could certainly happen in reverse. they've done something that nobody thought would happen. it they've done indictments in order to win an election. it certainly happen. what they've done is they've released the genie out of the box, you understand that. [laughter] >> leslie: wait, wait, wait. am i tripping? did he say genie out of the box? man, this dude can even tell the truth about genies! the one thing we know about genies is that they come out of a lamp! if a genie comes out of a box, that's not a real genie! that's an elf that went to trade school and then took a genie class. how are you going to trust a genie in a box? if the genie can't afford a lamp, he definitely can't afford three wishes!

[laughter and applause] he might be able to give you one and a half wishes, they definitely going to be [bleep] up. more important, this man is calling american citizens vermin. when he is literally the definition of vermin. he's talking about throwing -- [applause] the definition! is talking about throwing his opponents in jail when he literally should be in jail! [cheers and applause] -- he is the dash can you believe he is the leading candidate? what the dumbass, america! did you all -- how to do all let this happen, because this ain't my fault! i wasn't paying attention.

the man is indicted in every state in america. i didn't know you was allowed to run for the president while he was already running from the po-po. variously, he doesn't even know that genies go into lamps! how is this happening i'm am i am a twilight zone? am i having a stroke? somebody get me a box. okay, all right, all right. you know what? [cheers and applause] genie, you are the most powerful being in the universe, please tell me what is going on. we go first of all, leslie, got to tell you, i'm not that powerful, i'm a genie, i'm not

oprah. >> leslie: okay, whatever. can you explain to me what the [bleep] is going on with donald trump? >> that's your wish? you want to waste it on understanding donald trump? are you single? don't you want a man? [laughter and applause] >> leslie: you know what, genie, now that you set that, that is a better option. i don't give a [bleep] about this [bleep]. i wish for a man, genie. >> okay, okay, but just to be clear, i am a box genie, so i don't know exactly what type of man i'm going to bring out here, there's a chance it could be donald trump. [applause] >> leslie: damn genie! and finally, how about we hear some good news for a change because apparently some powerful

men have been [bleep] around and now they about to find out. >> a major network of high-end brothels is now busted. the department of justice arresting three people and charges for operation in the suburbs of boston and eastern virginia near washington, d.c. one prosecutor describing it as commercial sex ring built on secrecy and exclusivity. if the wealthy clientele allegedly included doctors, lawyers, elected officials, tech company executives, plus some military officers and government contractors who have security clearances. >> it's alleged that the prospective sex buyers in this scheme first had to respond to a survey and provide information online including their driver's license photos, their employer information, credit card information, and they often pay a monthly fee to be part of this illicit club. and they also would receive a menu of different options and different women that they could purchase. >> leslie: wait a minute, wait

a minute, what the [bleep] did he just say? did he just say menu? you mean these [bleep] are ordering sex like they are at chili's? [laughter] you know, if i order a blow [bleep] for the table... would you guys like to share? [laughter] i'm trying to watch my penis. it blows my mind that guys will do anything for sex. they are giving over their personal information to strangers, that is so crazy. i won't even give my real birthday to my gynecologist. as far as she knows, my pussy is only 32 years old. [laughter and applause] what manner overhear like you

got bukkake, here's my social security number. for more on this story let's go now to the man who loves going to brothels. michael kosta! >> great to see you again. >> leslie: no it ain't! >> leslie, look, i know we have a history but let's keep it professional. >> leslie: yeah, we going to keep it real professional. so what you doing at a brothel, michael? you cheating on my friend again? >> you sent me here to report on the bl brothel and cheryl and i broke up a long time ago. it was mutual, we were just going in different directions. >> leslie: yeah, and you went in the direction of a brothel! what kind of scum bag even goes to a place like that? >> i'm glad you asked, because up until now it's been kept secret but thanks to my reporting, i have an exclusive list of the names of the ten who

visited this brothel. this is like a 60 minutes level scoop. >> leslie: 60 minutes? i heard you couldn't even last . cheryl said you are sexist trash. he said you all went on vacation and you couldn't even get it up. >> that was my grandfather's funeral, leslie. i wasn't in the mood. >> leslie: you weren't in the mood? you don't need to be in the mood. i had a threesome the day regis philbin died. that man was my hero but it is exactly what i wanted. >> let's try to focus on my exclusive story about these powerful men who may be honorable to blackmail. >> leslie: i told cheryl she should have been with a blackmail

black male period of but did she listen? i don't know what she saw on your pillsbury dough boy looking-ass, crying like a bitch of your grandfather's casket. i'm done with you, michael, wrap this shit up! >> all right, fine, fine. we don't know the full extent of the sex ring, but what we do know is that this is the latest scandal in history's oldest profession. for "the daily show," i'm michael kosta. >> leslie: for "the daily show," i'm michael kosta. you think you are better than lester holt? you not! you not better than lester holt! you wasn't this dignified when you broke cheryl's window. >> i broke a window because she threw me out of it. >> leslie: stop being a bitch! it was only the second floor! >> leslie, what do you want me to do? >> leslie: get back with cheryl! she love you and i love the two of you together!

>> leslie, that was years ago, i'm married now! i heard cheryl is married? >> leslie: but things and working out and i heard he about to fall out of a window. >> if that's what it takes to do my job and to put this behind us, i will give cheryl a call. >> leslie: and cheat on your wife? you a piece of shit! you have not changed! once a scumbag, always a scumbag. i'm done with you. michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, i'm going to save your thanksgiving dinner, so don't go away! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show"! thanksgiving is coming up and we all know how difficult it is to have dinner with some of your family members. but this year is going to be different. >> thanksgiving is just around the corner, and that means getting together with family members who you might not see i tie with. this thanksgiving, leslie jones will come to your house and politely interject when the conversation. >> i was --

>> leslie: that's the conversation want to startle everyone is happy at thanksgiving? what we are trying to be happy? have some dry-ass turkey. >> the way i see it, your generation are all a bunch of these he shows her lists. >> leslie: who is you calling lisa? you can even bring proper pie to thanksgiving and stop kissing the kids on the mouth, that's nasty! they don't like that. >> leslie can help them to knowing conversations before they even begin. >> try that maga shit. try it, and i will tell everybody in this room that you use nana's wi-fi to jack off. >> and if that doesn't work, leslie goes back to basics. >> i will just say these transgender people... >> [yelling]

>> leslie will even stop by the kids table to teach them how to shout down problematic relatives. >> are you ready? one, two, three. [yelling] >> talking to your family is hard, watching leslie jones shut them down is easy. >> i think richard acknowledged that this dinner is taking place on cherokee land. >> shut up! all this land is cherokee. can you spell indigenous? you can even ballot -- shut up! don't agree with me. shut up. who invited me to this? >> available for all holidays. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: when we come back, wnba star lisa leslie will be joining me -- yeah! don't go away!

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today i'm doing the degree gray t-shirt challenge. let's put degree advanced and old spice to the test,

and see if i get any sweat marks. ♪ final result? only one winner here. no sweat marks. degree advanced. keeps working when others stop. choose duracell to make the most of holiday magic. because before you know it, they're... moody teenagers! ugh! (sfx: toy hits floor) holiday magic is fleeting. don't risk it to save a few cents. trust duracell. (duracell mnemonic) [cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show"! i gassed tonight is a four-time olympic medalist, a three-time wnba mvp and motivational speaker, a realtor, and one of the greatest festival players of all time. give it up for my homegirl lisa leslie! [yelling] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> never can get our ground on each other. >> leslie: that's right! that's right! that's right! you deserve all of that, girl! [cheers and applause] yeah, that's right! you know what i got? >> what -- [laughs] represent! >> leslie: go out and get you a pair! that's them dunks! she got her own shoe! she got her own shoe! give it up, these are dunks, these are lisa leslie dunks. >> thanks to nike, 25th anniversary of the wnba and they came out with the dunks. >> leslie: yeah! [applause] oh, my god! up first of all, how about it is just so cool to have you in front of me right now. >> thank you! leslie, whit, can i just stop your show for a second? because your book is amazing.

>> leslie: thank you so much. if >> if you haven't got it, get it, listen to it. i'm on chapter six, up and laughing, crying, laughing again. but it is amazing. >> leslie: thank you so much, i laughed and cried a lot. >> it's awesome. >> we are both from the same area, right? we both played ball in l.a., i don't think i was as good as y you. [laughter] i definitely know i was not as good as you. >> yeah, i know that too. but it's okay because you played ball and you went to college playing ball. that's awesome! >> leslie: i thought i played unesco. you are a member when we first met i was like a plate against her, remember we almost got into a fight. and you were like girls... >> i did have a few fights. i did. i would say my alter ego is probably your persona in comedy. >> leslie: exactly! >> so it's like i'm very calm and collected off the court but on the court, my game is like

how you talk. >> leslie: exactly, exactly! let me ask you a question. >> is this -- >> leslie: that's water, yeah. that's what appeared that's actually alcohol... [laughter] would you like -- when the wnba started, i know it was pretty exciting but would you like to play in the double and be a when it first started or the wnba now? >> that's a great question. first off, i started in the beginning so i was one of the faces of the wnba, but if i played now i would have made so much more money because -- [laughter] i was into fashion and, you know, skincare, hair care, being a role model, deodorant. anything. toothpaste for teeth. >> leslie: yeah. right. because it's not too late, folks out there. >> leslie: [laughs] they can get your number! >> they can call me. i think i would have had a more lucrative outcome, i still would have been walking shots, me and

a'ja would have been going out it. >> leslie: oh, my god! i love her! as you dunked. i'm going to ask you a question. i know a lot of men ask you this because, you know, men love to ask dumbass questions. but i know a lot of men have asked you like hey, should we lower the rim so you all can dunk more and it can be more exciting? >> shut t the -- up. i think the game is amazing. you already know these ladies are playing at such a high level. [applause] it's like blurred lines with the men and women. yes, the dunk is amazing, yes more women have dunked, but i wouldn't change anything about the game. the product is phenomenal. even college women's basketball is phenomenal. can't wait for angel reese and caitlin clark to get to the wnba. it's just amazing. we are doing a great job. >> leslie: will be look at the camera know that all those people? >> 20 want to look at? >> leslie: i don't know --

this one right here. this one right here. all the people that doubt or the wnba was going to make it. [menacing laugh] >> whatever! we at the bank though. >> leslie: at the bank! >> cashing checks! >> leslie: that's right! i'm in love with you! >> my new friend! you're coming to my house, you coming to thanksgiving? [cheers and applause] >> leslie: oh, my god! give it up for lisa leslie! [cheers and applause] yes! we are going to take a quick break but we will be back after this! oh, my god! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> leslie: okay! that's our show tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting new york common pantry. their mission is to reduce hunger in new york city. if you can help them in this cause, please donate at the link below. now, here it is. our moment of zen. >> at the box office it was anything but a marvelous debut for "the marbles." >> superhero film performance was less than marvelous. >> a less than marvelous debut. >> a less than marvelous start. >> was not so marvelous. >> a not so marvelous debut for "the marbles." - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪