spinach in a can. how are you spinach? [popeye laugh] aw, my hero! [humming] yay! ok, everyone, i've tallied the votes. and the winner of the costume celebration spectacular and scranton wilkes-barre coupon book-- oscar martinez. [scatter clapping and surprise] if i have to vote for someone, i don't want it to be someone who can beat me. shake things up. i'm a nader guy. best edward james olmos costume i've ever seen! like, freaky good. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, leslie jones! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> leslie: [laughs] [cheers and applause] woo! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm your host, leslie jones! [cheers and applause] woo! and let me tell you, i've been having the time of my life hosting this week. i don't even care that i lost $3,000 for the swear jar. [bleep] that jar! [laughter and applause] but we've got a great show for you tonight, so let's get to these headlines! [cheers and applause] yes! let's kick things off with some big diplomatic news. the president of china is here in the united states for the first time since 2017.

now this is a big deal for china and the united states but it's a really big deal for the city of san francisco. >> because the world leaders are coming into town, san francisco has suddenly decided to clean up the city. contractors and maintenance crews not only sweeping streets and getting rid of trash and drug paraphernalia, but officials in law enforcement also removing people. many homeless reportedly being moved out of the areas where they might be seen. >> i know folks say, oh, they're just cleaning up this place because all those fancy leaders are coming into town. that's true. because it's true. obviously, any time you put on an event, by definition, you know, you have people over to your house, you're going to clean up the house. you're going to make sure the kids, you know, make their beds, you know, take the socks, you know, put them in the drawer, the hamper. >> leslie: homeless people don't have a hamper! did mr. slick just say he is hiding the homeless people like

you throw dirty socks into the hamper? "clean up your room, china's coming over!" what? i have a crazy idea. what if, instead of just moving the homeless into shelters when company comes over, how about they had a home to sleep in all the time? [cheers and applause] and i know you think it's crazy to just give the homeless a house, but it's been proven time and again, if you just give someone a home to live in, it's actually cheaper than keeping them on the streets. [applause] and don't tell me that you don't have enough empty houses! 'cause i watch "house hunters." all the time! there's at least two empty houses for every goddamn picky-ass couple looking for a place.

let's move on to some news about the united states postal service. they just announced that they lost $6.5 billion this year. i don't understand why, are they sending the bills through the mail? why don't the post office just throw away the mail? you know? they are the post office. but seriously, can we stop picking on the postal service? why is this only government agency we expect to make money from? [applause] what? they provide a vital service to america's people. who cares if it's not profitable? no one says to the fire department, "great job saving lives, but those numbers, not great. gonna need you to sell some more of those sexy calendars." looked, i know everybody thinks everything is email and texting now but there are so many things you can only send through the

mail. like a handwritten card from your grandfather. weed to yourself when you're going someplace where you can't get weed. or hey, how about order a book? [cheers and applause] comes right through the mail! right through the mail! now what would you do if you couldn't get my book from the post office? go to a bookstore? yes, yes. because they sell them there too. how about download the audiobook? yeah, you could do that too. you might even find a qr code somewhere. [cheers and applause]

all i am saying is that the postal service is important. [applause] [laughs] and finally, let's talk about politics. the good news is that congress voted yesterday to keep funding the government! [cheers and applause] yes! so there isn't going to be a government shutdown. congrats, congress, you did the absolute bare [bleep] minimum! [cheers and applause] now the bad news. every single person up on capitol hill seems to losing their damn minds. yesterday, we talked about a senator challenging a witness to fight, and he wasn't even the only one getting physical! >> tennessee congressman tim burchett says former house speaker kevin mccarthy elbowed him in the kidney. >> i got elbowed in the back and it kind of caught me off guard cause it was a clean shot to the kidneys, and i turned back and there was -- there was kevin. >> mccarthy calling any physical

contact between the two men purely accidental. >> if i kidney punched him, he'd be on the ground, come on. [audience reacts] >> leslie: oh, my god! you guys are such children! you act like 5-year-olds! this is insane! listen, i know what it's like to want to fight a coworker. [laughter and applause] but don't do that at work. you wait for them in the parking la lot like a responsible adult! [cheers and applause] for more on all the fighting in congress, let's go live to the capitol now with desi lydic. [cheers and applause] desi, holy shit, what happened? you look rough, girl!

>> thank you. well, you can't report on congressional fight club without joining congressional fight club. i've been throwing down all day. these pro-life guys talk a big game until their knots are in a bind and then they are all "my body, my choice." >> leslie: hey, wait, desi. there is a congressional fight club? isn't adding violence just going to make things worse? >> actually, it's been very helpful, leslie. there's only two ways to release all the tension in congress: it's either a fight club, or going to a musical with lauren boebert. and that poor woman can only do so much. she's starting to get carpal tunnel. >> leslie: desi, i am being honest, i'm worried about you, girl. you look like you got hurt. >> oh, no, no. i took a couple of blows to the head. i'm totally fine, lindsay. and the good news is that this is working. just one week of this, and

already the house passed a spending bills. not to mention, the house already passed a spending bill! back to you, louise! >> leslie: it's leslie. >> no, i'm desi. >> leslie: no, it's -- never mind. never mind. desi, this doesn't seem like a healthy. this is not the way to run a government. macho man bullshit is not a real fix. >> it beats how the women do it. instead of physical violence, it is psychological warfare. nancy pelosi called me "brave" for "not wearing makeup" and i was wearing a lot of makeup. >> leslie: desi, desi, i need you to get out there out of there. i'm worried about you getting hurt. think about your family, girl. >> you are right. i was supposed to fight ted cruz in a few minutes but i guess i can cancel. >> leslie: wait, wait, you

fighting ted cruz? >> yeah. >> leslie: never mind what i said. you stay, you stay there. [cheers and applause] yes. [bleep] your family right now. you stay right there, desi, and you fight. listen to me, desi, listen to me. >> leslie: okay. >> leslie: it has all led up to this, desi. all right? you got to stay loose, okay? you got to wear him down. you know what i'm saying? he is mostly midsection. you know what i'm saying? >> yes. >> leslie: he is all midsection and beard. you know what i'm saying? this should be easy. you got to do it for america! you got to do it for me, desi! >> yeah! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: you've got this, desi! >> yeah! woo! all right! [cheers and applause] >> leslie: [laughs] she's going to get her ass whipped. when we come back, i'm going to show you how calm i can be! so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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make crisp, sparkling water with a hint of fruit flavor. thirst quenching drinks with electrolytes. drinks with b vitamins or invigorating energy drinks. make thousands of drinks with the ninja thirsty drink system. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: yes! all right. welcome back to "the daily show." look, look. i'm going to be honest with america right now. i am known for, you know, not sugarcoating stuff, you know? and i am pretty loud. really loud, actually. kind of properly known for yelling. you know, i'm loud even when i'm whispering. so i just -- i just -- you all get it, right? everybody right now it's getting upset, everyone is on edge, the world is falling apart. but this is what i want to do.

i want to be the example to the show to show that y'all can stay calm, okay? no matter what you see, you can stay calm. okay? so that is why i created this new segment called "leslie jones tries not to lose her shit." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] there was a time when election stories would really get me upset, but now i'm better at staying calm. okay? so let's see what's going on with the election. >> third party candidates could prove to have a major impact in this next presidential election. robert f. kennedy jr. is polling higher than any independent or third party candidate in more than 30 years. >> it's not like rfk is going to win but he could hurt joe biden from winning. >> leslie: [laughs] well, that's not good.

but you know, it's really not good. you know, the race is tight enough. as it is without some random kennedy dude jumping into cause all kinds of chaos. but you know what? that's democracy. okay? everyone's got a right to run for office. and who knows? who knows? this dude might actually have some good ideas. >> kennedy, the candidate best known for his anti-vaccine advocacy and history of promoting ugly conspiracy theories. >> he's linked chemicals in our water supply to gender dysphoria, anti-depressants to school shootings, and insisted covid vaccines were a tool to control people via microchips. >> rfk jr. said last week that somehow covid-19 was engineered to not target asians and ashkenazi jews. >> le[audience reacts]

>> leslie: jesus wept. whoo. that does not make me happy but then again, it is a free country. everyone has a right to believe in what they believe. see? see? [applause] i did it. i didn't lose my ship shipped. robert kennedy. i did it! i did not lose my shit. we did it, everybody! [cheers and applause] now is there anything else i need to know? >> a recent photo on a flight is sparking an age-old debate: is it ever okay to remove your shoes on a plane? passengers snapped this photo of presidential hopeful robert kennedy jr. with no shoes and, key point here, no socks. kennedy was actually coming back from the bathroom -- >> mm-mm. >> the bathroom.

with no shoes, no socks. >> leslie: [bleep]! okay, i tried, i tried. y'all saw me! y'all saw me, right? i tried! you witnessed me trying! now i'm about to go in on that ass. [cheers and applause] this [bleep] went to the -- he went to the plane bathroom barefoot? this is the most disturbing video i have ever seen of a kennedy come out and that includes the one where a guy's head explodes! [audience reacts] like, how are you the worst kennedy? your uncle killed a lady by driving off a bridge! but then i see your nasty, feet and i wish i was in that car! the only reason you should come

out of a plane bathroom barefoot is if you got robbed and thereby someone who only needs socks and shoes! [applause] and he doesn't -- he doesn't even believe in vaccines! how far have the kennedys fallen? jfk was brought dogging marilyn monroe but the only thing this kennedy is raw-dogging is tetanus. why was that plane allowed to land? where is the malaysian pilot when you need him? [audience reacts] and you know what, you know what else? you know what else? one more thing. [bleep] you for stealing larry david's wife! [cheers and applause]

okay, that didn't go well. i guess we will try again next time. ♪ ♪ when we come back, the legendary athlete allyson felix will be joining us today on the show! don't go away! [cheers and applause] ♪what i want, you've got it♪ ♪it might be hard to handle♪ ♪and how, i can't explain♪

♪oh, yeah, well, well, you♪ ♪(ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh)♪ ♪you make my dreams come true♪

♪ mnemonic ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> leslie: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the most decorated track and field athlete of all time. she's also the co-founder and president of saysh.

please welcome seven-time olympic gold medalist allyson felix! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ you are so beautiful! give it up! yes! all right, now. first of all, you already know i am obsessed with the olympics. now i know you have seen all of the clips -- >> your commentary is everything. it is everything. top-tier. >> leslie: i love giving olympic athletes the love. because you guys deserve it. like, let me read this. [cheers and applause] let me read this out. she has been in five olympic games from 2004-2020. she has 11 olympic medals. seven gold, three silver, one bronze. [cheers and applause] she has 20 -- she has 20 world

championship medals! [cheers and applause] yes! that's what i am talking about! i got this question. when you were in high school and running track, did you ever think you was going to do all of that? >> not at all. in high school, they called me chicken legs. i was just concerned with making friends. you know, i was like, maybe i could get a scholarship to a college and that was my big thing. but i had no idea or even really aspirations to take it this far. >> leslie: i know this is crazy because you know i'm going to ask this because i am a black girl like you. when you are running, how do you choose how to do your hair? because black women, you know, we got to put our hair in a certain way. you got to explain the hairstyles. >> i'm a braids type of girl. i just don't want to be bothered. so yeah, usually some type of braids or cornrows or something that makes it really easy so i can focus on what i have to get done. >> leslie: exactly. exactly. this is my big question.

this is always going to be the big question. and man, y'all don't even understand how insulting you are that you don't even understand the stuff that female athletes go through. we got to have babies! y'all want to have babies, y'all get your wife to do it, and you ain't got to go through that. so tell america how it feels to have to not only be this olympic icon, but then, turn around, have a baby, and then have people tell you that you can't do it after you have had your baby. tell us about that. >> i mean, it's so hard. and women have been doing it forever. the thing about it is, just not being supported. everyone wants the glory moment when everything is great and when you've come back and you have gone through the struggles, but they don't want to support you through that. and that is what i experienced. really wanted to be fight on behalf of other mothers and say we have to do this differently. we have to support every athlete holistically, and that means motherhood as well. >> leslie: absolutely. absolutely. absolutely. [cheers and applause]

now, was that criticism and all of that stuff coming towards you, like the meaning of you doing your shoe, your own shoe? >> absolutely. i parted ways with nike over the fight for maternal protections. i was looking for another footwear sponsor and i could not find it. so in talking with my brother, we just decided to do it ourselves. >> leslie: that's right. [cheers and applause] >> yeah, we thought we were making shoes that i could wear in the olympics, but then we learned as we went down that path that shoes have not been made for women. and what that means is, a shoe is made off of a mold of a foot. it has been the mold of a man's foot to make women's sneakers. so we do things differently. our shoes are built off the mold and off the function of the woman's body and they are just specifically made for her. >> leslie: that's right! [cheers and applause] women looking out for women! [cheers and applause]

>> leslie: i want to say, as another black woman, if no one has ever told you -- and i'm pretty sure you have heard this before -- i have never been so tremendously proud of your accomplishments. thank you so much for being the person you are and being strong and fighting and just showing people that you got to fight for yourself. i love you and i think you are a bag of chips and all of that. you know? >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: for real, for real. thank you, allyson! [cheers and applause] thank you, allyson felix, for coming out! we are going to take a break but we will be right back after this! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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through the free app. [cheers and applause] >> leslie: well, that's our show for tonight. but before we go, please check out "common ground." it's an incredible documentary that explores how regenerative agriculture can help heal the soil. [cheers and applause] it heals our health and the planet.

you guys, go to the link below to find out how you can see this film and how you can do more! now here is your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> i love these people on social media calling the keyboard warriors, usually in their basement, basement bunkers, you know, in their underwear, and they are all tough on, you know, social media, then you call them out on it, they are not so tough. >> it happens all the time, you've got these keyboard warriors that will go out and run their mouth all the time and then they never have to face the ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪