yeah. thanks. oh. and, uh, molly? i know it can't be easy working for jan. good luck with your feelings. dwight, that was really nice. you should ask for her number. oh, i got her number-- 415 ycl. that's a license number. that's all you need. and when i have curried favor with her, i will let you know. oh, why me? because you are my friend, and you are a woman, and women love gossip. it's like air to you people. ugh, god. [retching] >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> ronny: thank you, thank you! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng and i'm guest hosting! [cheers and applause] thank you, thank you, thank you! [cheers and applause] i'm ronny chieng and i'm guest hosting for one day only! dreams do come true. i just want to thank the network for believing in me for 23 minutes only. we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's start with the big news: we are apparently close to a truce in the middle east. that's right. i accomplished what no other "daily show" host could. sure, maybe if you gave me the job permanently, i could solve this, but for now, here's what you get. >> this morning, a breakthrough

in the hostage negotiations is closer than it's ever been, u.s. officials say. multiple news reports quoting hamas and israeli officials are this morning outlining a possible deal. a multi-day cease fire with at least 50 israeli and international hostages freed in waves with more to follow. and palestinians detained in israel, women, and children released in exchange. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: yes. some good news. i mean, it's not great news, but it's the middle east so we will take it. that is right. israel and hamas are close to a temporary truce. israel will stop bombing for a few days and hamas will release some of the hostages, specifically women, children, and one guy who was just really, really annoying. "this guy won't shut the [bleep] up about his podcast. get him out of here." still, for all the hostages who are being released, i just want to say congratulations. and i just want to prepare you:

andre 3000 has a flute album now. but let's stop talking about the war and start talking about something else that can destroy the world: artificial intelligence. and i know everyone has been freaking out about this new technology, but don't worry, the people in charge of it obviously have everything under control. >> this morning, an open revolt inside openai, the company behind the groundbreaking artificial intelligence chatbot known as chatgpt. just days after the company's board of directors fired its ceo, sam altman, claiming he had not been candid in communications with them, 725 out of the approximately 770 employees signing a letter attacking the board's competence and threatening to quit if altman is not reinstated. >> ronny: wow. the ceo of openai got fired and all the employees started to go with him. these start-ups are such cults. who cares that much about their boss? i mean, trevor quit right in front of me and i didn't do

shit. i was like, all right, man. i'll see you later. you are not supposed to care about your boss! okay? no busboy at red lobster is committing seppuku because their manager got canned. asian references. that's what i am here for. [cheers and applause] i mean, it's also ironic that the people creating technology that's going to destroy everyone's jobs are also fighting so hard to save one guy's job. it's like seeing ted bundy perform cpr. also, the world's top ai company is not the place you want to hear that people are fighting over philosophical differences. the stakes are too high. it is fine when ben and jerry fight. worst-case scenario, i get raisins in my chunky monkey. with ai, it's more like, "hey, am i going to have a robot sex slave, or am i going to be the robot sex slave?" just to be clear, i'm cool with

either one. i just want to know. the crazy thing is, we still don't know why they fired him! i mean, my working theory is that humans from the future resistance came back in time to fire this guy before he could destroy the world. schwarzenegger is just showing up like, "you are terminated. put your things in this box. it's always tough to do this during the holidays." and finally, let's talk about thanksgiving, which i still can't believe is a real holiday. i asked someone what happens on thanksgiving, and he said, "we all get together and eat." and i was like, "so, it's dinner?" and it is. thanksgiving is when americans clog up airports and arteries. but maybe, this year, times are changing. >> this morning, with thanksgiving just days away, the new wave of prescription weight loss medications are altering how many will approach their holiday eating. with the average american consuming more than twice the recommended daily calories in a

typical thanksgiving day, drugs like ozempic, wegovy, and mounjaro can be a game changer for those battling with obesity. doctors suggest if you are taking these medications, be prepared to manage your feasting expectations. >> they enable people to have a couple of bites and say, i don't need to eat a large portion of this. that was enough. >> ronny: this is the most american story ever. big pharma created a drug to help americans eat less, and now they're having anxiety over what they're gonna do on the eating holiday. although, i will say that ozempic is great for parents who can't cook. "no, mom, i'm not hungry because of the ozempic. it's not because your turkey taste like shit. and it's good when you can get past the binge eating and focus on the real meaning of

thanksgiving: friends, family, and remembering that one time when the pilgrims and native americans walked to the super bowl and nothing bad happened. for more on this ozempic thanksgiving, let's go live to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, how will ozempic affect thanksgiving this year? >> well, it definitely comes with its own problems. if everyone in the family is eating less, that means most of the food is going to waste. unless you take it to the homeless shelter, but come on, that's, like, a 20 minute drive. >> ronny: okay, i guess the family could just make less food. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. let's not go that far. there's actually a much better solution. gluttonal! it's a new drug that dramatically increases your appetite during the 24 hours of thanksgiving. [applause] you inject ozempic into your thigh, you inject gluttonal into your neck, and boom! you're deep throating aunt karen's fingerlings all night long!

>> ronny: yeah, okay, but isn't that going to [bleep] up your metabolism? >> oh, yeah, big time. if only there was a drug that could fix that. well, guess what, it's called compoxo. you pop a couple of these pills up your butt and your metabolism is evened out for the day. >> ronny: hold on, hold on, kosta. you are putting these drugs up your butt but at the thanksgiving table? want that we are not your family? >> it will. which is why you will have to drug your family. introducing: hapinerol. it sends everyone's oxytocin levels through the roof. just slip a tablespoon of this in the gravy boat and let the hugging begin. >> ronny: okay, wait, isn't oxytocin the hormone that makes people horny? >> yes, yeah, a family orgy is a possible side effect. which is why you need: demoralyn. just put a few drops in your

eyes, and voila, you're as flaccid and dry as grandma's brisket. now, you do have to take it at the same time as the butt pills, otherwise you'll die. >> ronny: kosta, stop! this is dumb! instead of people taking all these drugs, why can't they just not eat as much? >> oh, i'm so sorry that some of us need some help to eat less, and then eat more, and then talk to our family without having sex with them. >> ronny: okay, okay, i'm sorry. i guess i just wish there was a way people could just enjoy life without putting drugs in their veins and up their butts. >> well, there is, ronny. introducing: cocaine. cocaine is one of -- >> ronny: all right, enough! michael kosta, everyone. save some for me. when we come back, we'll find out how donald trump manages all of his court dates. so don't go away.

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dad! once-daily sotyktu is proven to get more people clearer skin than the leading pill. don't take if you're allergic to sotyktu; serious reactions can occur. sotyktu can lower your ability to fight infections including tb. serious infections, cancers including lymphoma, muscle problems, and changes in certain labs have occurred. tell your doctor if you have an infection, liver or kidney problems, high triglycerides, or had a vaccine or plan to. sotyktu is a tyk2 inhibitor. tyk2 is part of the jak family. it's not known if sotyktu has the same risks as jak inhibitors. find what plaque psoriasis has been hiding. ask your dermatologist about sotyktu for clearer skin. so clearly you. sotyktu. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." let's talk about the only man who has seen more

court time then lebron: donald trump. yesterday, his lawyers asked the court to release him from a gag order, so that he can call the judge a fat mexican or something. but that's just one of his 4 billion court cases. and you might be wondering, how is trump able to juggle all of these court appointments and run for president? luckily, we found the guy who helps him do it. >> donald trump has another court date on the calendar after pleading not guilty for the third time in four months. >> goddamn it another lawsuit? >> my name is barnaby dirk and i am donald trump's official scheduler. and i want to die. ♪ ♪ i have a color-coded system that falls apart every 10 minutes, but red is for state court prep, blue is for federal court cases, yellow is new york city court cases. purple is for his kids but it is

also for fraud charge cases because they basically overlap. then, each morning, i input a daily schedule into a monthly calendar from '90s so president trump actually reads it. please don't ask me about that. yeah, sure, we can print out a deposition on the books. could you just please remind me? what day he comes between and wednesday? oh, really? well, then i guess i will have to invent want to fit it in, won't we, you [bleep] asshole? i've kept schedule for ceos, titans of industry, the nxvim guy. it's never been a problem no matter how they get sued or how many secret families they have. this is like nothing i have done before. sometimes i have to go but get created about scheduling two

things that once. one time, mr. trump had a round of golf that he refused to cancel, but he also had to bury his ex-wife ivana. >> there are reports that ivana will be buried in bedminster. >> ronny: i won a golden calendar for that. that is a top award. as you can see, sometimes, i have to schedule down to the minute. but he's going for the court case, bathroom breaks, when he comes out, when he stands outside and goes on a ranch about how the stenographer is reading the case or that the clerk really wants to bone him or something. i haven't left this building in six months. i pretty much live on logan pauls energy drink and don jr.'s leftover coke. you've got kids. do i have kids? [bleep], i don't remember. but i dream about the day there is nothing left to schedule.

i did it. i scheduled it all! >> the former president trump now has another court date. i am in washington. we will have -- >> no! goddamn it! no! no! [bleep]! no! too many court dates! [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that guy seemed cool. when we get back, john oliver will be joining me on the show, so don't go away! [cheers and applause]

[upbeat music] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪

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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former failed correspondent at "the daily show." he has done nothing since then. please welcome mr. john oliver! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> hello. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: yes. all right, we get it. enough already. >> i agree with you more than i agree with them. [laughter] >> ronny: well, well, well. look who has come crawling back. >> yes. >> ronny: where it all started. >> i know. it is pretty weird to be back. i do not like being in that guest room at all. >> ronny: really? >> that was the one room when i work here that you were not allowed to go in. i don't like being in it now. it feels like i'm doing something wrong by being inside it. >> ronny: you ever snuck in to see a guest? >> no, no. no, no, no. we were never allowed to be in there because it had to be kept nice for the guest. it never occurred to me one day, i might be that. so i put my bag in there and then stood in the corridor for the rest. >> ronny: [laughs] >> i don't want to be in there at all. >> ronny: this place brings back sweet memories. you were here in this building.

>> i was very much in this building. this was the reason i came to america. i was here for eight years. >> ronny: yeah, same. [cheers and applause] that's why i was so happy you came on because people don't know by looking at us, but we actually have very similar backgrounds, because we both joined the show. i moved to america to do the show, just like you. when i first joined the show, "the daily show" alumni network is so strong, i asked to meet up with mr. oliver. >> mr. oliver. [laughs] >> ronny: he was mr. oliver. there was no way this guy is going to let me meet up with him. and you were like, no, come before work. >> there is nothing i like more than talking to people who have questions about how to make field pieces. because it is such a narrow set of skills. and you had -- all of your questions were great. i remember you leaving and thinking, you are going to be fine. even though you don't have the answers yet, all your questions are good. you are going to be fine. you do not have a problem.

[cheers and applause] i will say, before we make it too sincere, you do have the unique skill set of not minding being a dick to people. i believe that is the secret sauce. >> ronny: that is -- i mean, you have to really not care to do satire sometimes. everybody -- i don't think people know how much you don't give a [bleep]. >> yes. >> ronny: you truly don't give a [bleep]. >> in the marrow of my bones sometimes, when the lawyers say they are upset, i am not having a physical reaction to that at all. it is of no concern to me whether the sackler family are mad with me or not. to be honest, there is a tingle of happiness. >> ronny: that is kind of what you need. >> definitely, yeah. i like the feeling of trouble. in comedy, it is good. i am probably a natural coward in many ways. but when it comes to comedy, i do like the feeling of being in real trouble. [laughs] >> ronny: pushing the buttons. there is a button, just got to push it. when you told me, it took you two years to be learn how to do

comedy in america. >> i think that's probably true. >> ronny: you were spot on to the day, by the way. in hindsight, i was like, oh, my god. i remember, there was a day, i was in new york city gigging at some comedy club, and it was two years in, literally almost to the day, and i remember things starting to click a little bit of relearning how to do comedy. because again, like you, like me, we were doing comedy outside of america before we even came here. >> yes, yeah. i think the outsider perspective in comedy always works. the thing with being an immigrant, you kind of have to learn the exact ways that your outsider perspective can translate. so you kind of have to learn basically how that can work. once it does, you're fine. but until that point, it does feel a little like uncharted waters. >> ronny: yeah, it's a bit like, you know, you can come here and you can joke about america on a very surface level, and that will do well for you if you have a 15 minute set, maybe 30 minute set. but after nine months or a year

in america, the audience can smell the bullshit of you have been here long enough. like, guns shouldn't be weird to you. >> that's right. >> ronny: how profound your two year thing was, it takes two years to learn the nuances of america, so you can make fun of them in ways which they appreciate. >> yes, exactly. >> ronny: don't tell us we have guns. we know we have guns. tell us something else. >> if we know nothing else about ourselves, it is that we have guns to a genuinely problematic extent. that is not a fresh insight. [laughter] we genuinely know. yes, exactly. >> ronny: you are going deeper and deeper into it, which, that was my guiding light as well when i first got here. >> i am so glad my incredibly insightful advice of waiting 24 months works. [laughs] >> ronny: it worked like a charm. i can't believe it. >> i deep down didn't want to hear from you for 2 years. [laughter]

>> ronny: yeah, that is the thing, we are both immigrants in america. do you ever -- i guess my question to you, how do you answer the people who are like, if you don't like it here, leave? >> yeah. >> ronny: i get that a lot. >> yeah, i mean, i guess, it is a horrible point, but it's a fair question. i guess, now my answer would be, i am a citizen. you can't do that. [applause] the tricky thing is, i felt ownership -- it's very dangerous. a british person saying, "i felt ownership of this country," historically does not bode well. it is amazing. "i just went to india and i felt like i belonged." [laughter] i felt at home here long before my legal status was solid. that's the tricky thing as an immigrant. the more i felt at home here, the more cognizant of you are that the fact that is not up to you whether you get to stay or not. so it was a massive relief to get my green card and an even bigger relief to get my citizenship. despite the fact immigrants tend to talk shit, it is generally

the kind of way that you talk shit with someone that you genuinely love. also, as a comedian, i only really talk shit as a way of expressing love. >> ronny: professionally. >> exactly. i don't know how to express myself sincerely. i like you. i am never going to say that. [bleep] you, ronny. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: [bleep] you and your show. [laughter] >> ronny: all right, so we get it. every interview, i researched you on, you profess your love for america, you're still here. clearly, you still love it. so can you shut the [bleep] up and love it and constantly complaining and talking like a [bleep] foreigner all the time? i challenge you. >> you challenge me to be american. >> ronny: i want you to eat this hotdog right now. than i want you to throw a football, this football. first of all, you have to call it a football. >> i can't do that. i can call it an american football. i will call it an american

football. >> ronny: you eat that first and you throw this to me. >> like this? >> ronny: no. tight spiral. >> okay, okay. >> ronny: so eat this first. >> [laughs] oh, no. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: this is the way we do it. usa! usa! usa! you got to come over here. you got to stand right here. you got to throw a tight spiral. >> how hard can that be? [cheers and applause] >> ronny: hang on, hang on. here we go. can we get a drum roll? [drumroll] [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ronny: you proved it. "last week tonight" with john oliver airs wherever you will find it. who gives a [bleep]? >> that's not how you thorough to a commercial! >> ronny: we have to take a

quick break. we will be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪what i want, you've got it♪ ♪might be hard to handle♪ ♪and how, i can't explain♪ [dog barking] ♪well, well, you♪ ♪(ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh)♪ ♪you make my dreams come true♪ ♪(ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh)♪ ♪ well, well, well, you♪ ♪(ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh)♪ ♪you make my dreams come true♪ ♪(ooh-ooh-ooh, you) oh, yeah♪ ♪ just hear those sleigh bells jingling♪ ♪ring tingle tingling too♪ ♪(ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!)♪ ♪come on, it's lovely weather♪ ♪for a sleigh ride together with you♪

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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: please consider supporting asian and pacific islander american vote. an organization dedicated to educating and empowering aapi communities to build a culture of civic engagement. if you can, please donate at the link below. and stay tuned tomorrow when jordan klepper and desi lydic take over the desk! now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> i guess i need to be a modern man and stop being a man out of time. but i am not going to let any ozempic medication or any of that other stuff stand