ha ha ha. yeah! ok. come on! right on! bam bam bam bam bam. boom. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from new york city, the only city in america... it's the show that invented news. this is "the daily show" with your host, kal penn! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> kal: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm kal penn. and it's taylor swift's birthday! yeah! [cheers and applause] finally, a day where everyone can celebrate her. it's about time. we've got a great show for you tonight. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with the 2024 presidential race. a decision that will come down to how deeply americans hold the very democracy that sustains our society. and also, stuff like this: >> tonight, the former president, donald trump, fundraising off his mug shot again. he's now offering people the chance to buy this, quote, "historic gift" just in time for christmas. mug shot edition, that's what they call it, digital trading cards. and if you buy 47 of them, you will get a piece of the suit

trump wore when his mug shot was taken. now, to do all of that, it will run you about $4,600. >> my last two trump digital trading card collections sold out in just hours, and now i'm back with my latest series called the mug shot edition. it is an authentic piece of the suit i wore when i took that now famous mug shot, and it was a great suit, believe me, a really good suit. it's all cut up and you're gonna get a piece of it. i'll be autographing some of them. a true collector's item. this is something to give to your family, to your kids and grandchildren. >> kal: ah, yes. mwah. what a perfect gift for the dad you stopped talking to. i wish that i loved everything as much as trump loves his own supporters. if you are thinking, this isn't funny, he is tricking people out of their hard-earned money for pieces of fabric from indicted men's warehouse, let's be honest. it is not like this money was going to otherwise end up in a

roth ira. it was either an nft of trump or a second pet snake. in fact, the popularity of these nfts makes me think that biden should run this video as a campaign ad. because if you can afford -- right? if you can afford to blow five grand on a piece of a suit with mustard stains, the economy must be doing pretty good. [cheers and applause] and i will confess something to y'all. i actually think these are all really pretty cool cards. they've got trump as a soldier. trump with lightning hands. trump as a robot. but, like, why don't any of these cards show off his amazing policy accomplishments? like, where's a card showing trump tackling a doctor who was about to perform an abortion? where's the one of him heroically catapulting a refugee child far away from his family?

was that too much for you? or how about one of him patriotically lighting a tiki torch for a neo-nazi? oh, yeah, those was the days, y'all, there was was the days. second term is going to be great. all right, let's move on from something that's destroying america to something that's destroying the whole world: climate change. [audience reacts] very uplifting for you tonight, i'm telling you. everyone knows it's time to stop talking and do something about the climate crisis, and that is just with the nations of the world are... talking about doing. >> an historic deal has just been announced at the cop 28 climate conference in dubai. it urges nations for the first time to transition away from fossil fuels. >> so the most significant thing about this is that agreement to transition away from fossil fuels. and in the 28 years of these summits, this is the first time the final agreement actually uses the word "fossil fuels." now other key points of this deal include a call to triple the amount of renewable energy

sources worldwide by 2030 while relying less on fossil fuels and achieve what's known as net-zero carbon emissions globally by mid century. and in the end, these are just words on paper. what matters now is whether or not nations quickly cut their planet-warming emissions. >> kal: that's right. the world's nations pledged to net zero emissions by 2050! which is fantastic! but they also offered no plan to enforce it, which is not fantastic. this agreement is basically like when you tell a former coworker that you should "get together sometime." "yeah, we should totally grab a drink, definitely by 2050!" even holding the conference in one of the oil capitals of the world was a major [bleep] you to climate change. it's like celebrating hanukkah at kanye's house. look, i'm not saying it was a bad idea itself.

people's insta post look super fun but maybe there is some consequences for not achieving your goals, aside from the whole world ending thing. either way. congratulations, cop 28. you may not have solve the climate crisis but you didn't not not not solve it? and finally, let's talk about gerrymandering. it's the reason some congressional districts in america look like a rorschach test. that one just looks like my kindergarten teacher yelling at me. gerrymandering is when politicians draw districts to help their party win, because the alternative is winning on your ideas and that's, like, way harder. with congress so closely divided, control of the house could hinge on which party gerrymanders the best. which is why a court decision in new york could change everything. >> new york's highest court has thrown out the state's congressional map, a ruling seen as a major win for democrats. >> the new maps to be drawn by the independent redistricting commission could give democrats a shot to take back

the u.s. house. a high court ruled last year that democrats had unconstitutionally gerrymandered districts. a neutral court-appointed special master drew new lines that helped republicans flip four seats last november. but judges today said those maps were only supposed to be temporary, and in a 4-3 vote, the court of appeals upheld the challenge and tossed out the current maps. >> kal: that's right. new york's highest court is electing democrats gerrymander again which is not good for democracy. unless it helps democrats protect democracy, in which case, being bad for democracy is good for democracy? i am so confused! my kindergarten teacher was right. i am stupid. the question is: is it unethical for democrats to engage in gerrymandering? to debate this moral dilemma, we turn to ronny chieng and desi lydic. [cheers and applause] ronny, let me start with you: should democrats be doing the thing they've always criticized republicans for?

>> of course not, kal. and after that question, and i mean no disrespect, but i have lost all respect for you. like trump says about his sons, two wrongs don't make a right, okay? in the olympics, would rush to get caught doping, we punish them. we don't want every other country start doping. all that would do is create a world of athletes with tiny balls the size of sesame seeds. >> kal: that's a fair point. desi, what do you think? >> bill, kal come in my professional opinion, i think ronny should stop being such a little bitch. when your opponent stays dirty, you throw on your brass knuckles and punch him right in the sesame seeds. you don't stand there complaining about the rules. you take the rule book, you rip it in half. you shove half of it down their throats, and the other half up their butts, so then the whole book is in their stomach while your arms are still in there and you are just playing them like an accordion until you win back the house. >> kal: desi, that's gross.

>> thank you! >> see, this is the problem with america. okay? every solution is just more of the same problem. that's how you end up with an app on your phone to tell you you are using your phone too much, you [bleep] children! where does this end, desi, where does it end? >> it doesn't end, ronny. in fact, why should democrats stop at gerrymandering? hell, stack the courts. steal the election. go to third base during "beetlejuice!" why do republicans get to have all the fun? >> kal: desi, that is anarchy. >> yeah, but they started it, kal! it's like i said to that tow truck driver. if you are going to take my car, i'm taking your car is in my car was already attached, so now i have two cars. >> kal: that checks out. >> kal, this is the slippery slope i am talking about. this great nation, that i've lived in on and off for a few years, was founded on principles! when we give up on those principles, whatever they are, we give up on ourselves! >> kal: that's a beautiful

sentiment, ronny. >> yeah, that's a beautiful sentiment, ronny! too bad i just gerrymandered your box, bitch! >> yo! what the hell? leave my box! kal, do something! [cheers and applause] >> coming for your future is next! >> kal: don't be complacent! desi lydic and ronny chieng, everyone! [cheers and applause] when we come back, we discover santa's terrible secret. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> kal: welcome back to "the daily show." it's almost time for santa's trip around the world. and if you've ever wondered how he makes all those toys, well, the answer is a bit disturbing. ♪ ♪ >> ho ho ho! merry christmas! >> yeah, merry christmas. wait, why are you so skinny? ho ho ho-ozempic! santa has a revenge body! >> where are all the toys? >> we don't have any money left

for toys. >> money? no, no. we make that choice. all the little trains and dolls we build for wood and dreams and light-based paint. >> this isn't the 1820s anymore, old man. kids want ipads and game consoles and roblox, whatever the [bleep] is. we have to buy that shit. you think we are going to hammer out a ps six? >> what are you saying? >> i am saying this workshop is a ho ho ho hoax. of the bank is demanding repayment. >> how much do we owe? >> oh, jesus? ho ho ho holy shit! i will have to sell my body. >> you don't have to go right to that. >> okay, okay. what if i kill myself or the insurance money? >> no. maybe. if you are going to do that, you might as well sell your body and then kill yourself. that way we can it get twice the

money. >> jingle jingle, nicholas. it's the bank. >> shit! it is the bank. i thought we had more time. does the bank know where we live? all of the male just says "northwell." >> hi, santa. just stopping by to to see where the [bleep] money is. >> it is coming. we just need a little more time. >> oh, do you? do you need a little more time? >> don't hurt him! this is my fault! just don't have the money. >> oh, okay. no problem. that is what collateral is for. repo the sleigh. turn the place into a cinnabon. tell the elves to apple. >> think of the children! he will break their little hearts! >> what are we doing with these reindeer? >> shoot them! sell the meat! >> don't do that! what about the christmas spirit? >> wait. what's this? >> it is a list of which gift

each good boy and girl is going to get this christmas. >> do you realize the insider trading we could do with this thing? >> isn't that super illegal? >> like they would ever arrest a finance executive. [laughs] [evil laugh] how about this? you gave me this list, and i give you more time to get our money. ♪ ♪ [tense music] >> okay, deal. >> and so, santa and has mary off chopped up the body of the banking executive, and christmas was saved, until next year, but that is next year's problem. merry christmas to one and all. [cheers and applause] >> kal: when we come back, mike massimino will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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♪ (you've got to try a little kindness) ♪

♪ (yes, show a little kindness) ♪ ♪ (just shine your light for everyone to see) ♪ ♪ (and if you try a little kindness) ♪ [cheers and applause] >> kal: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former nasa astronaut and "new york times" bestselling author who's here to talk about his latest book, "moonshot: a nasa astronaut's guide to achieving the impossible." please welcome mike massimino! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ welcome! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> kal: man! okay. i am a huge space nerd, okay? >> so am i. >> kal: most of my tattoos are space related, from voyager 1 on. >> cool. >> kal: i knew when i was backstage, that i needed to come up with very smart, engaging questions for you. you have been to space twice, and so i wrote a bunch of them down. i just have to ask you, how [bleep] cool is it to go to space? >> it is pretty [bleep] cool. >> kal: yes! [cheers and applause] >> i would say the coolest part of it, though, was getting the chance to spacewalk. it's pretty cool inside the space ship, doing some work, looking out the window, floating around is kind of cool. you go outside in a space suit, now the whole planet opens up to you. you can see the planet and how beautiful it is. when i first saw the planet from the spacewalk, you can kind of see it in its entirety, you can see the curvature of it. i thought to myself, it is so

beautiful. it's more beautiful than human eyes can withstand. i shouldn't be looking at this. i actually turned my head. don't look at it. i said, you idiot. of course you are supposed to look at it. so i looked again and i got overcome with emotion. i started to tear up a little bit, kal. then i got petrified because if you introduce water into your space suit, it can cause a problem. there would be an investigation and i would have to admit that i was crying. >> kal: [laughs] >> there is no crying in space. your friends will make fun of you. but the third time i looked at it, the thought that went through my mind, this is a view from heaven. this is a heavenly view. and you look the other direction, you see the darkness out here, it is kind of cool, we checked out the neighborhood. we got nowhere to go. we got to make this planet work. >> kal: you recently commended congress for investigating ufos, at least sort of reporting on all of that. >> yeah, yeah. >> kal: whenever i see these stories on tv, i feel like everybody just thinks of aliens coming down here. right? >> yeah.

>> kal: no one ever talks about the difference between life that seems to exist, drake equation and all of that, out there, versus intelligent life and the possibility that intelligent life could have visited us. can you walk us through each of those things are and why they are so much hype around it? >> i think, the congressional thing, what nasa has been doing is looking into uaps. they used to be ufos now they are uap, unidentified aerial phenomena. they put together a really good committee, and they came up with about 95% of those sightings can be explained. we still have 5%, we don't know what it is. it doesn't mean that it is a e.t. to visit. it's probably a weather phenomenon or some other aircraft or a drone. i think it is good they are trying to find out what the 5%, whatever they don't know is, that is flying around. the intelligent life versus the signs of life, the intelligent life, e.t. showing up. there is no real evidence of that happening yet. and we don't really have the ability to go that far to find anybody. so they got to come find us. wherever it is, they have to

come find us. i think that day will probably happen sometime. it has not happened yet. but the search for life, even within our own solar system, which i find very intriguing, we thought, for example, way out at the end of the solar system, some of the moons around there around jupiter, we thought they were just frozen blocks of ice. what we find is that they are warmer than we expected and there is probably oceans underneath that ice. we think that life began in the oceans here on our planet, so who knows what could be going on there. probably not any real life that we would think, or intelligent life, but even just those building blocks being that close to us i think gives us hope that there is probably somebody else out there. there are billions of galaxies with billions of stars in each. most of which have multiple planets orbiting around those stars. i think -- i can't imagine we are the only ones here in the universe. but we still haven't found each other yet. >> kal: that is really exciting. i hope we do in our lifetime. >> i would be very excited. that is going to be big news. >> kal: i wanted to -- huge news! i mean, i was secretly just hoping you would roll in here,

like "let me tell you something, i can tell you what's going on." >> no, i wish i could. i have nothing like that. >> kal: that's fine. >> big news, it would be hard to cover that one up. we are going to find out about it. >> kal: we will know when we know. >> i agree. >> kal: i'm not going to ask you, how do you poop in space, because that's childish. i'm going to ask you, how do you in poop space, because i am generally interested. >> it is actually a pretty interesting process and requires a lot of training. >> kal: really? >> over would show up on your schedule, when you are going to fly in space, you get rendezvous training, robotics training, there would be potty training. that is what they call it, potty training. the simulator, we had the space shuttle toilet that we would get trained on and in the simulator, the little training facility that we have, we have the real toilet that you can actually practice pooping in, because you want to practice everything, and we also had another toilet next to it that you wouldn't poop in that was used to practice alignment. because the key for pooping in space was getting a very small target.

there was a camera inside of the screen. >> kal: come on! just looking in your hole? >> i've got nothing for you on aliens, but i've got this. okay? with this camera looking up, right, you have a short circuit tv right there, and a little tv, and you practice your alignment to make sure that you are right in the center of where that opening is. and then, the instructors, what they told us was, memorize that body position. what i remember was, i am riding a chopper. that is what it felt like. i am riding a chopper and i replicated that in space and we i was cued into this, kal, by a very famous astronaut, john young. went to the moon. he flew in space six times, the first commander of the shuttle. he walked on the moon, only 12 people walked on the moon. he was still an active astronaut, he was in the late 60s when i joined nasa. i am flying with him, we got to know each other, i asked him, what was the moon like? what was it like on the moon? he says, mike, i tell you, the best thing about it, you could finally take a shit.

and i go, what? what is that like? he said, mike, you will find out in space. gravity helps us with digestion, you are floating around in zero gravity for a few days, you just can't move anything, you get on the moon, the 1/6th gravity is just enough so you can let go. >> kal: [laughs] very helpful advice. [applause] >> very important. >> kal: very helpful and vice. >> very important. >> kal: your book is fantastic. i read it the day it came out. i would love for you to quickly talk about the 30-second rule. i thought that was really nice. >> 30-second rule, if you make a mistake, you don't want to make a mistake but you are going to, you don't want to ruminate them over for a long period of time, take yourself from living because you are so upset with yourself. it is okay, i think, to be upset. what i learned in my training, if you make this mistake -- i use this in space. you make a mistake, oh, man, that was a terrible mistake, you can feel upset but cap it at 30 seconds. 30 seconds to beat yourself up, call yourself names, just be brutal to yourself. don't vocalize any of this because you will scare the people next to you. keep it internally.

after the 30 seconds is over, it is over, you've had your little rant, it is time to move on. [applause] >> kal: i had an acting teacher who had a similar rule. she would say, if you screw up an audition -- and you will screw up many -- give yourselves 24 hours to get over it. because we are, like, super dramatic. so you would go three weeks beating yourself up over something. she's like, no, 24 hours. it sounds like the 30-second rule is perfect for actually smart scientist people. the rest of us are too self absorbed. we need a full 24 hours. thank you for sharing that. >> try the 30 seconds. >> kal: i am going to try that. mike massimino, everybody. "moonshot" is out right now. mike, thank you for coming! we will take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. love this book. thank you, my friend. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ (a soft melody plays) ♪ my darling granddaughter, this camera was given to me when i was your age. may it capture your big, beautiful life the way it did mine. (♪♪) ♪ it's so surprising ♪ [camera shutter click] ♪ what the little things can do ♪ ♪ wouldn't it be wonderful if everybody ♪ merry christmas, grandma. ♪ gave a little love? ♪

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yeah i like that. feels iconic. [cheers and applause] >> kal: that's our show for tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting "make the road new york." they provide legal support and advocacy for immigrant and working class communities. if you can, please donate at the link below. now, here it is. your "moment of zen." >> some people call these cards pop art or modern art. i wish i looked as good as i do in those cards. i can tell you, they gave me muscles where, believe me, i don't have them. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪