[phone rings] dunder-mifflin paper/ sex predator hotline, this is dwight schrute. [quietly] i have information you have information about the sex predator?redator. i saw him two minutes ago. where? in the women's bathroom, above the sink. anti-flashing task force! above the sink. above the sink. hmm. captioning by courtney at captionmax www.captionmax.com ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> michael: welcome to "the daily show." i'm michael kosta. we have a great show for you tonight. the supreme court [bleep]blocks democracy, republicans scramble over eggs, and dulce sloan creates a brand new holiday. let's get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with the debate over in vitro fertilization. last week, the alabama supreme court threw the future of ivf into doubt by ruling that frozen embryos, that are less than a tenth of a millimeter, by the way, are legally humans. and i'm sorry, but if you could pass through a spaghetti strainer, you're not human. and now republicans, who spent years and years insisting that every embryo is touched by god are suddenly saying, "we didn't mean that in a way that makes us unpopular!" >> a lot of the gop's top brass are now trying to scramble to

get on the side of supporting ivf. >> the republican senate campaign arm jumped on the issue by sending out this memo on friday, urging that, "it is imperative that our candidates align with the public's overwhelming support for ivf and fertility treatments." house speaker mike johnson also came out in support of ivf treatment and called it a blessing for many moms and dads who have struggled with fertility. >> ivf is something that is so critical to a lot of couples. it helps them breed great families. our country needs that. [audience reacts] [boos] >> michael: okay, okay, that's too far in the other direction. okay? did this guy just say "breed great families?" are you trying to run a country, or get us into the westminster dog show? this guy must really clean up at the nightclub. like, "yo, girl. you got those straight teeth and detached earlobes. i want to genetically pass that onto my litter."

but you know what, better late than never. now that republicans are on board with ivf, i'm sure they'd jump at the opportunity to pass a law to protect it. >> a republican senator has blocked the passage of a bill to protect access to in vitro fertilization nationwide. senator cindy hyde-smith of mississippi objected to the measure's approval yesterday. >> the bill before us today is a vast overreach that is full of poison pills that go way too far -- far beyond ensuring legal access to ivf. it would legalize human cloning. it would legalize gene-edited designer babies and lift the federal ban on the creation of three-parent embryos. it would legalize the creation of human-animal chimeras. >> michael: first of all, "chimeras?" i don't know how to pronounce that word, but i know it's not that.

and secondly, you're not going to protect ivf, because you're worried that someone might put, like, a human head on a giraffe's body? why on earth would you want to stop that? that sounds awesome! i could be eating a tree right now! [applause and laughter] republicans are treating ivf the way i treat reading books. i'm always like, "oh, i'm gonna read so many books this year, i love reading!" but when it actually comes time to read? i'm like, pfft, not for me. and to be clear, none of the stuff that senator was warning us about is real. they're just looking for excuses to ban ivf. which, to me, is crazy. why would you want to criminalize one of the only times you can masturbate for a good cause? trust me, i tried jacking it for leukemia and people were not happy. let's move on. i don't know about you guys, but i eat food. do you eat food?

[cheers and applause] i knew you ate food! but when i'm at the grocery store, i can never figure out which foods are actually healthy. this one is low-fat, but high in sodium? this one has vitamin c but also poly-monofibers? now i'm staring at ingredient labels until the store closes, i'm trapped inside, my wife finds a new husband to breed with. it's a mess! but luckily, the fda is coming to the rescue. >> the fda potentially rolling out a new logo as soon as this year for companies to stamp on food packaging. they say it would clear any confusion on what products actually should be considered good for you. right now, only 3% of foods are currently allowed to claim their food is healthy. >> michael: wait, what? just 3% of foods qualify as healthy? god, please let fruit roll ups be a part of that 3%. but yeah, the fda is going to make a logo to help people choose healthy foods. which, you know, good luck with that. this is america, it's a victory if we can get people to unwrap

things before eating them. but i believe we do need a logo identifying healthy foods. i just don't think it should be one of these boring-ass options. am i trying to have breakfast cereal or do tax prep? if you want people to eat healthy foods, you gotta make the logo look cool. like jordan holding broccoli. and finally, let's talk about a major update in the ongoing battle between donald trump and karma. he's on trial right now for trying to overthrow the government, a pretty big faux pas. but recently, his lawyers threw out a hail mary legal claim that says he's immune from being charged for anything he did while president. and now, his buddies on the supreme court are saying... hmm, maybe! >> this morning, the u.s. supreme court handing donald trump the gift of time. the justices agreeing to decide whether the republican front-runner should be immune

from federal charges because his attempts to reverse the 2020 election happened while he was still in office. >> we will never give up. we will never concede. >> in a one-page order, the high court saying it will hear arguments in the case the week of april 22nd, but with no firm date for its final ruling, the prospect of a federal criminal trial being completed before the november election becoming increasingly unrealistic. >> legally speaking, his strategy has long been to delay, delay, delay. here, he gets help in doing that from the highest court in the land, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. >> michael: i cannot [bleep] believe this. this dude is slipping out of everything. is he some sort of human-eel "chim-era?" you know, he started his campaign with four different cases against him, and he's going to run out the clock on all of them. the stolen documents case, he got a trump-friendly judge. the georgia case has been completely sidetracked by two of the prosecutors [bleep] each other. now the january 6th case is

getting delayed due to a legal theory that nobody thinks is legit except for maybe the judges he hired. the only case that might be finished before the election is the stormy daniels case, and based on the way things are going, i bet that judge is going to get [bleep] stuck in a venus flytrap or something. i don't know. you'd think with so many cases against him, one of them would stick, but he's actually using that to his advantage, saying he needs to delay the cases so he has time to prepare for the other ones! it's like when arnold schwarzenegger is getting attacked by two guys and he bonks their heads together, and they're both out for the rest of the movie. for more on the supreme court delay, we go live to washington, d.c., with our very own desi lydic. [cheers and applause] desi. election day isn't that far off. how soon do you think the supreme court could rule on this? >> well, michael, that depends. when is election day? >> michael: november 5th. >> they'll rule on november 6th. >> michael: so this is purely

political? >> no, it only looks entirely that way. but you have to remember how complicated this issue is. the justices have a very difficult legal question to answer: can the president break the law anytime he wants? hard to say! hard to say. constitutionally speaking, can he burn down the white house for insurance money? can he set a bomb on a bus that will detonate if the bus goes below 50 miles per hour? can he stick his penis in a barrel of warm coffee beans at whole foods? these are not easy questions to answer. >> michael: aren't they, though? i mean, to me, all these seem pretty open and shut. >> hmm, okay, did you go to harvard law school? >> michael: no. >> well, i did. to use their bathroom once. and because i have that legal background, i understand that these things take time. they're gonna need two weeks to read briefs, another two to

debrief. then you need a silent retreat from the briefs, you rebrief, lots of stretching and hydrating. and then it's july, which of course, is french-american heritage month. and that is very sacred to justice brett kavanaugh! >> michael: i think he's irish. here's the thing. there has to be some way to get this decided before the election. can't they work around the clock? democracy is hanging in the balance! >> okay, but what about the other balance? work-life balance! "grind culture" is killing all of us. i mean, look at me. one minute, i'm reporting from the middle east, and the next i'm flying to d.c. to stand here in front of this very real supreme court building! i'm exhausted. and that's all on top of my cardiology practice. >> michael: you're a doctor? >> i used a lot of med school bathrooms, yes.

look, the point is, the justices are human beings like the rest of us, with full lives. they need time for things like being with their families, traveling in their winnebago, keeping donald trump out of prison, playing golf. >> michael: wait, what was the last thing you said? >> golf, they love golf. >> michael: okay. legal expert desi lydic, everyone. did she say -- [cheers and applause] when we come back, dulce sloan will be joining me at the desk. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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♪♪ get 6x longer-lasting freshness, plus odor protection. try for under $5! [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." today is the last day of black history month, so to get her thoughts, we turn to an actual black expert, dulce sloan! [cheers and applause] >> hello, friends. today is february 29th, which is leap day and black women's history day! [cheers and applause] and if you don't know that, it's because i just made it up! why? because the rest of february is taken! dr. king gets two weeks, the presidents get a three-day weekend, and they even give a day to a groundhog? what the hell is a groundhog?

that's not even -- is that even a real animal? are we sure? is it just a big ass guinea pig with a good publicist? so i'm claiming february 29th for us! yay! [cheers and applause] why only one day every four years? because you account for our wage gap and your mama'nem: the math works. trust me. i carried the four and everything! but the day is almost over, so let's celebrate some black women as fast as we can. okay, throw a clock on screen! what? no! that looks like a shot clock! this ain't the nba. no, no. make it historical! is that a cuckoo clock? you trying to say black women

are crazy? the nerve! the unmitigated gall! just put up any clock! ooh, i like her. she's black and she looks like she don't take no shit from nobody. okay, let's celebrate some black women. start the clock! okay, shirley chisolm. incredible congresswoman. chiseled her way into history by being the first black woman to run for president for a major party in 1972. she spent 14 years in congress representing brooklyn. and i mean brooklyn brooklyn. spike lee brooklyn, not lena dunham brooklyn. if you thought biggie had a tough time making money, imagine going door to door in bed-stuy asking for campaign contributions. "donations. raise mon-ney! donations. raise mon-ney!" i was off beat. that's all right. listen. next! dr. shirley jackson! ooh, another shirley!

the first black woman to earn a doctorate from m.i.t. she helped innovate touch-tone phones, portable fax machines, and caller i.d. she's the only reason long distance relationships work. so every time you use your phone, pour a little wifi out for your girl shirley! [cheers and applause] next up: missy elliot, for [cheers and applause] proving that black women can make a hit song while singing forwards and backwards. it's yerp witta flippa bin yet. is that how you say it? missy, we salute you. you salute we, missy! see, that's backwards, okay! look at ya girl! i'm doing it!

next. okay, wait, isn't there an auntie in the white house? kamala harris. first female vp, and one bad bike ride away from being president. listen, i'm just saying, if huffy bikes really wanted a female president, loosen some chains at the factory! y'all could make history! help a sister out. come on! next! mae jemison. the first black woman in space in 1992. what took so long? and that makes sense. cause in the '90s, black people were doing whatever they could to get the farthest away from the lapd. [applause] "so you saying i could go to outer space? while these cops stay on earth?

oh, i'll take it! come on, come on, let's go!" and the most amazing thing is that mae came back! that's never a guarantee. but girl, wow. there was a black woman on "family matters" who went upstairs and never came back down! next! lisa leslie! a basketball legend who was the first woman to dunk in the wnba. that's right. she can dunk, which is way more impressive because when women do it, we do it with titties. slows you down. she changed the game! like me every time i play uno with my 5-year-old nephew. draw four, draw 17, uno! ha! in your face, declan! next! hey, it's my mommy! [cheers and applause] everybody, look at my mama!"

she's out there everyday, giving, serving, loving. i mean, literally mothering! and you know, she made me. you're welcome! [cheers and applause] that's not bad! i was surprised i was able to cover that many people. >> michael: that's okay, we can celebrate even more black women in 2028. >> [laughs] there's not gonna be an earth then! [laughs] >> michael: fair. dulce sloan, everybody! [cheers and applause] when we come back, rex chapman will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. that was great. [cheers and applause]

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bright. citrusy. perfect for spring. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a university of kentucky basketball legend and an nba shooting star who has written a memoir called "it's hard for me to live with me." please welcome rex chapman! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> what's up, buddy? thanks for having me. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> michael: all right. >> all right, all right. >> michael: this book. you lay it out. i know you from basketball, some in this book, you talk about your addiction, your recovery. you are incredibly honest. one of the things that jumped out at me was, you broke the

rules and oftentimes the law, a lot, before the kind of the big bottom. there was cheating in school, there was cheating -- >> that's not against the law. >> michael: right. there was driving with a suspended license. there was breaking tons of curfews. >> rule breaker. >> michael: rule breaker. >> michael: the perks of being an athlete and being a successful athlete. is that what allowed you -- >> i think so. just talking about it in the green room with larry hughes, my simon and schuster guy. my last two years of high school, i have dyslexia and i didn't know any of that, though. i just knew higher math and science and all that stuff, i would sort of check out. how are you guys getting this? this is not easy. i'm being told it's kind of common sense. and i just kind of -- i quit. i'm not going to be a math teacher. why do i need to know this? and for me back in the day, we can only play basketball, like, three, four hours a day. by rule.

and so i would be in a geography of kentucky class -- >> michael: such a complicated class. >> [laughs] and i would be sitting there and thinking, well, reggie miller, clyde drexler, michael jordan, ron harper, all of these guys are working out right now and i am stuck in this class. and it is my only avenue to get where they are. i used to wake up at midnight on the east coast, i had fallen asleep, i would wake up in a sweat thinking, my god, someone i know out in l.a., my grade, he is at the park right now. it's 9:00. i need to do some push-ups. let me go run a mile, come back, go to bed. obsessed like that. somebody is working harder and i can't allow that. >> michael: so that same level of commitment, that stubbornness, that anxiety over working, how do you -- does that help you in recovery or in a way, is it like, is it hard to go? because i'm a bad [bleep], i can beat this? i know i can beat this.

>> i think that is probably the mind-set that got me there. [laughs] i for sure went through, very first when i started taking vicodin or oxycontin, i just remember, one day, very vividly, thinking, oh, -- can i cuss? >> michael: you can press. i already said [bleep]. [laughter] >> i thought to myself, oh, [bleep] shit. [laughter] no -- >> michael: you played against michael jordan. you heard it. >> i have heard it all. but i was thinking, all of a sudden, i was taking this medicine that was saying take it once every whatever. where i am making that call, all of a sudden, one day it flipped where that medicine was telling me when to take it. and before i know it, oh, i was only supposed to take three today, now i'm at four. i am at five. then i get to seven or eight and

i go, this is an issue, man. and i cut it down to four or five and then guess what? maybe an argument or whatever. [bleep] this. and that was -- from the time i was 15 or 16 years old, though, i started having some depression and whatnot. and really started coping that way then, because i didn't know how to cope. >> michael: what do you have to say to people listening who might be a middle school phenom in a sport or high school phenom in a sport, everything is in front of them, it seems like, and there is a reality of this that you have lived? what do you say to somebody who might be in the throes of addiction right now? do you have a message or thought? >> man. i guess it is really just find somebody to talk to. i had so much pride that i was this king rex type thing, this image.

i had so much pride about not living up to anything. i had all these secret insecurities and your pride can get in the way a lot. and once you let that move a little bit, then you can start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. however, i also recommend therapy. if i would have been able to have therapy, like, as a teenager, 18, 19 years old, i feel like -- i don't know if it would have changed anything but i know i'd have had a better shot of managing the stuff that goes along with being a popular and kind of athlete. >> michael: that is a great message. thank you for this book. i loved it. you are the man. rex chapman, everybody. [cheers and applause] "it's hard for me to live with me" is available now. rex chapman. we're gonna take a quick break, we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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languages. nobody speaks them. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ - ♪ do do do doo ♪ ♪ da da da da daa ya da da daa ♪ ♪ do do doo da da daa ♪ ♪ hey-de, hey-de, hey-de how's it going, guys? ♪ - what the hell are you so happy about, fat-ass? - oh, nothing, no big deal, really. - what's no big deal? - well, guys, it seems that i am the first one of us to reach manhood after all. - what the hell are you talking about? - well, because unlike you guys, i just got my first pubes. ♪ ya da da da ya da da dee ♪

- [muffled] you got pubes? - what's pubes? - pubic hair. he's saying he got his first pubic hair. - oh... no, you didn't! - oh, yes, i did. i'm becoming a man. - he's lying. - you wanna see 'em? - hell, no! - here, check 'em out. - we don't wanna see them, cartman! - there, see? how do you like them apples? ha! - what are those? - my pubes. - what? - i got 'em from scott tenorman. - scott tenorman-- the ninth grader? - yep, he let me have 'em for just 10 bucks. ha, ha, ha! ♪ i got pubes before you guys did ♪ ♪ i got pubes before you guys ♪ ♪ ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ - cartman, you are so goddamn stupid, it's unbelievable. - ah-ha, don't be jealous, guys. this doesn't mean we can't still hang out. it just means that i matured faster than you. you'll get your pubes, guys, someday. - cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself. - wh-what? - when you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you [bleep] dumb-ass! - nah-ah. - yeah-huh. - but then why would scott tenorman sell me his pubes for $10? - because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy scott tenorman's pubes for $10. - you're telling me these pubes are worth nothing? - yeah. - i'm gonna get that son of a bitch.