uh, c'mon. ♪ i been so lonely, girl, i've been so sad and down ♪ ♪ i couldn't understand why haters joked around ♪ ♪ i wanted to be free with other creatures like me ♪ ♪ and now i got my wish ♪ ♪ 'cause i know that i'm a gay fish ♪ gay fish, yo. i'm a fish, yo ♪ it's all right, girl ♪ ♪ makin' love to other gay fish ♪ ♪ all those lonely nights at the grocery store ♪ ♪ in the frozen fish aisle feelin' like a whore ♪ ♪ 'cause i wasn't bein' true y'know everyone said ♪ ♪ that i had to make a switch ♪ ♪ now i know that i'm a gay fish ♪ gay fish, yo. i'm a fish, yo. ♪ now i'm where i belong, girl ♪ ♪ makin' love to other gay fish ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, ronny chieng!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ronny: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng. we've got a great show for you tonight. the tsa is going diy. the covid vaccine meets its biggest fan. and we sent michael kosta down to the border, and unfortunately, he came back. plus, my friend awkwafina is joining me on the show! so let's get into headlines! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ let's begin with the covid pandemic. yes, remember that? next week will be four years since the day we started to take it seriously because tom hanks got it. "oh, no, not tom! take chet instead!" but everything's fine now. the cdc just issued new guidance saying that you don't even have to isolate if you get covid anymore.

that's right. you can go ahead and keep coughing into people's faces, as long as you feel a little bad about it afterwards. it really feels like no one's trying to avoid covid anymore. well, almost no one. >> a german man has puzzled scientists after he deliberately got more than 200 covid-19 vaccinations. 217, to be exact, over two-and-a-half years. that's a shot every four days, roughly. >> of course, scientists are wondering what the effect was on him. first of all, he didn't report any vaccine-related side effects at all. secondly, his immune response did show an increase in immune cells, but not necessarily a better or worse immune response. and finally, guys, he never got sars-cov2, the virus that causes covid. >> ronny: that's right, 217 shots! an approach also known as the immune system bukkake. if you laugh at that, you are disgusting. i mean,

i know anti-vaxxers are stupid, but let's not overcorrect here. i will say this, though: a lot of people "did their own research." this man became his own research. that's commitment. and also a nice change of pace to see germans doing human experiments on themselves. [audience reacts] and also, i'm glad he didn't suffer any major side effects. but sadly for this guy, doctors still haven't found a cure for being weird as [bleep]. but let's move on to the ongoing crisis in gaza, where the united states is taking extreme measures to solve a tiny fraction of the problem. >> the united states has conducted another airdrop of aid in the gaza strip. the mission delivered 36,000 meals in the north. but it's still far below the amount of aid needed for the around 300,000 palestinians who remained in the northern strip after the israeli invasion. >> airdrops are probably the least efficient and most expensive way to deliver aid. but it's a last resort, with israel blocking critical supplies on the ground. >> ronny: yes, that's right.

america managed to airdrop food around a blockade that israel built with weapons america gave them. that's good, but wouldn't it be better if the united states just told israel "just move! move out of the way! we gave you that! we are trying to help people! get out of the way!" [cheers and applause] i don't know. it just seems a lot less efficient to uber drop food from a thousand feet up, while yelling, "don't forget to give us five stars!" or maybe, america should just invent weapons that only fire food, and send those to israel. that way when you go to use the tank, it just fires burritos. efficient and delicious! but let's move on to some domestic news. here in america, the tsa is testing out a new way to make airport security even more annoying. >> this could be the future of airport security. at the tsa's innovation checkpoint at las vegas international, travelers are testing new self-service

technology for the first time. the idea is, it's supposed to be like a regular tsa checkpoint, except fewer tsa agents and hopefully streamlined. >> have everything tucked inside your bin? >> yes. >> here, passengers are greeted by a virtual agent. >> if you have a question, it's really easy to talk to the camera, get a very quick answer back. >> real agent. real person. >> right, who doesn't have to physically be with you. they're still performing the function that we've asked them to perform but in a different location. >> ronny: what the [bleep] is this shit? so it's a regular tsa line but you added a zoom meeting? "hey, i said i don't have a bomb." "what? you're muted! you're muted! oh, wait, i'm muted." this isn't going to work, guys. because we all know what it's like to work remotely. tsa's going to be pretending to look for bombs but they actually have porn open in another tab. and even if they do catch someone, what are they going to do, order us to tackle

ourselves? hey, i got a solution for you, tsa: it's a new form of technology called open another lane! just open another plane! [cheers and applause] in fact it doesn't even matter what tsa is doing. the problem is the people. there's always a guy in line holding everyone up, trying to bring a full suit of armor through the x-ray machine. "oh, i'm sorry, is this metal?" but look, none of this really even matters. cause once you get through security, there's a good chance the door will fall off your plane anyway. and finally, while the tsa is trying to reduce the number of security agents, the new york city subway is getting a shit ton more. >> the controversial new plan to address crime on the subway. >> 1,000 members of the national guard and state police will join forces with transit cops to conduct bag checks and patrol hundreds of subway stations.

>> the move by new york's governor follows a reported 45% spike in transit crimes in january. >> the nypd reminds people it is worth taking their longstanding advice on how to stay safe. watch your things and lower the volume on those headsets that you wear or take them out entirely. >> ronny: shut up, mom. i'm definitely not lowering the volume on my music. you think i want to be alone with my thoughts on public transport? i'd rather get stabbed. and look, i'm not saying crime isn't a problem. a 45% spike in transit crimes in january is actually kind of impressive. i mean, new york criminals are the only ones keeping their new year's resolutions. but getting the military to search bags for weapons isn't going to solve it. new yorkers can make a weapon out of anything. a bottle, a vape, a day old bagel. it's prison rules down there. anything can be a shiv if you stab hard enough. drawing up invasion plans for

the c train just feels like you're playing off people's fears. my mom lives in singapore. she is always worried for me here. she thinks the new york subway is a fist-fight to the death every day, when really it's only a fist fight to the death once or twice a week. for more on this story, let's go live to a new york subway station with troy iwata. [cheers and applause] troy, what's the mood down there? >> it's great, ronny. everyone feels super secure. there's 60 soldiers here, 50 more police, the coast guard has a dinghy floating in that gross puddle over there. it is locked down. >> ronny: okay, glad to know that people are feeling safe. and what are the long-term plans for addressing the root causes of subway crime? >> long term? those are big words. i don't follow. >> ronny: i don't know, like mental health treatment? affordable housing? >> oh, those sound like really nice, expensive things. we just don't have the money for

that. >> ronny: okay, but how much did all the national guard stuff cost? >> don't worry about that! that's military spending, so that doesn't count. >> ronny: what do you mean it doesn't count? it costs money. money is money. >> [laughs] money is money, except money for the military. you know how calories are calories except when it's your birthday, or you're sad? military money just appears when it's needed, like a fairy godmother with a rocket launcher. >> ronny: i don't think that's how the military works, but even so, shouldn't we invest in an long-term solution to help people get around safely? >> yeah, i guess we could have the military bring people to work. have you ever been airdropped into your office? it hurts but it's fast. >> ronny: that sounds like it would cost, like, a trillion dollars! >> a trillion military dollars. not my personal dollars.

>> ronny: where do you think money for the military comes from? >> the -- the war prize? when we win the war? you get the war prize? >> ronny: you know what, troy, just catch a train back to the office. >> oh, there are delays. which we cannot fix because we are broke. uh-oh! it's a conundrum! >> ronny: troy iwata, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, michael kosta goes to the border. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] to advance the future of golf, pga of america chose t-mobile for business.

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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." the border crisis is a major issue in this election cycle. but michael kosta went down to eagle pass, texas, to discover another invasion. >> eagle pass, texas, has become the epicenter of the national immigration debate, as over the last year, an unprecedented number of migrants crossed here to apply for asylum. and for many observers, this complex issue can only be summed up in one word. >> invasion. >> we are being invaded. >> we are being invaded. >> we are being invaded just like it's a military invasion. >> but how are the locals coping with its relentless onslaught? >> they have taken over the town. speak at our land and their people coming in. >> they are causing havoc and craziness. >> there is chaos. >> shouldn't you be welcoming? don't you have any empathy for the journey they have taken to get here? >> they are not welcome. >> you can't move around.

if you can't get a meal in a restaurant. can't get a hotel room unless you want to pay $400. >> who are you talking about? >> the state guard. florida, tennessee, arkansas, idaho. >> oh. what you need to be afraid of ours some of these convoys of people -- >> the we are talking about central american caravans? >> no, we are talking about the people invading the country not from mexico. because the invasion here is from governor abbott and the trumpers honestly 29 people. >> eagle pass has been overrun since governor abbott declared a crisis at the border and sent in the texas national guard, attracting a flawed of republican governors, congressional delegations, and even billionaire weirdos. >> this is our taxpayer dollars being put to use, coming out eagle pass, and what has happened is, it has jacked up the hotel prices. >> our room is $370 and we don't even have any hand lotion.

>> understood, understood. >> what is your message to the people that want to come down here? >> don't come. >> be more clear. >> please don't come. >> it is not just cool guys and scarves that are being victimized and his conflicts, but also local, small business owners who resemble sam elliott. >> right now, the only people who are going into the water are individuals from the press that want to see how ugly it is out there. >> the governor of texas is here disrupting your job and you want him deported. >> get him out. i am expecting to follow federal law, local law, state law. i would expect the same thing from the leader of our state. >> sam elliott and his mustache's concerns were justified because in america sentence people to eagle pass, they are not always sending their best. sum, i assume, drove countless hours to sit outside a fence. but why? >> this is my land. i am from texas. i am here to support those people who are fighting for me!

my life! my land! do we have guts enough to defend ourselves? do we? you are shaking your head. you are wearing a suit. you're being successful in the new york media. you sold your soul to the devil. >> if i sold my soul to the devil to be successful in news media, i would be more successful. i wouldn't be sitting here in eagle pass, texas. you think i want to say at a marriott town plaza with no body lotion? >> that sounds like something the devil would say. >> yes, dan's fashion critique hurt and his outlook was very confrontational. so i decided to talk to the chairwoman of the county republican party for a more measured view. >> so we have had this invasion, and it is really turned this town upside down. >> you mean from governor abbott? from the 13 out-of-state republican governors? news media such as myself? >> no, i am talking about the illegals migrants. >> i'm sorry, what did you call

them? >> wetbacks. >> i haven't heard that in a long time. >> now she got that out of her system, i was ready for a more nuanced conversation. >> we want them to come legally through the front door. >> calling them wetbacks, that is not we want them here. >> i want them to come legally. that is what i want. they aren't wetbacks. so they don't have to swim the river. they wouldn't be wetbacks if they didn't. >> obviously, there are some disagreeing about whether we should let people from other countries seek refuge here and whether shoot them up we should refer to them with vintage, racist slurs. but is militarizing the border actually working to keep anyone out? i asked a farmer. >> i asked them to several times, please don't put the wire up, we don't want it, it is a liability. they just came in and they put it up. >> do you think the fencing and the buoys in the razor wire, do you think that it's working? >> no, not at all. the governor is just pushing

them out to new mexico, arizona, california. guess what, they are still coming in. >> so if they haven't saw for the migrant crisis, could there be another purpose for the thousands of state guards, miles of barbed wire, and throngs of sunburned politicians in eagle pass? >> i would have to say it has to do with te fact that it's an election year. >> a narrative is being told that creates chaos, scares people. it is what is going to enact them the election. >> do you think this issue at the board has a lot to do with donald trump's reelection? >> i do. >> trump is concerned about the welfare of the people, me, this country. he is not worried about trying to look good so that he can get elected. >> the guy with a golden toilet and a spray tan isn't worried about looking good? >> it is a political stunt. the republicans who don't give a damn damn. >> does that mean politician? >> it is kind of a heavier bar

than "idiots." >> [bleep]? >> not as heavy as a [bleep] but idiot, stupid. >> somewhere between [bleep] and idiot. >> i would say so. >> as i come to understand the border is a complex issue that affects people real lives. it is so much more than a photo op. but before i left town, there was one more thing for me to do. >> ronny: thank you, michael. when we come back, awkwafina will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪ “lemme show you something” by kali j. ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy-nominated actor and comedian who stars in the new film, "kung fu panda 4." >> who is the chameleon? >> only the most powerful shape shifting sorceress. >> so she shape shifted into tai lung! >> but what does she have against me and the valiant peace? >> these are good questions. you should ask her. >> you are right. how do i find this "the chameleon?" >> she isn't someone who can be found. at least without someone in the know. >> and how do i find someone in the know? >> oh, it is me. it is obviously me. i am in the know. >> ronny: please welcome the one and only awkwafina! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> ronny: all right, all right, all right. thanks for coming. good to see you. >> thanks, guys. >> ronny: good to see you again. it's great. what is this, "kung fu panda 4" -- >> did they do that when you came out? >> ronny: they were louder when i came out. so "kung fu panda 4", right? >> yeah, yeah. >> ronny: good movie. >> great movie. great movie. >> ronny: i agree, i think it's amazing. you know, i am and that will be too. >> yes, you are in that movie. >> ronny: i am in that movie too. >> yes, you are in that movie. >> ronny: why don't you -- you do all this press for it. >> yeah, i've been doing a lot. >> ronny: no one is asking me any questions about that movie. why don't you ask me some questions about this movie? i'm in it too. ask me some questions. so i am going to go out. introduce me as a guest. okay, just read that. you can ask me some questions, all right? >> you are going to go out? >> ronny: read from there.

then interview me about this movie. >> okay. okay. my guest -- >> ronny: wait, wait! okay, go! [cheers and applause] >> wow. thank you, everybody. that is so nice. my guest tonight is a towering figure in comedy, an icon for all asians, a colossal acting talent who deserves his own action franchise, and my personal hero who i'm honored to even breathe the same air with. please welcome ronny chieng! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [crowd chanting "ronny"]

>> ronny: yeah! do you hear that? ask me these questions. >> you traitors. >> ronny: i prepared some questions for you in case you -- >> your voice acting is so realistic. did you go to julliard or something? >> ronny: oh, i'm glad you asked about. i just think sometimes with voice acting, you want to be as natural as you can. so i am kind of proud to say i didn't have any formal training in it. you know? i just think authenticity is the key to good animal animation. >> yeah, yes. 100% that. i mean, this year, we saw actors take on some incredibly challenging roles, cillian murphy as oppenheimer, bradley cooper as leonard bernstein and ronny chieng as fish in "kung fu panda 4". how do you --

[cheers and applause] >> ronny: keep it going. keep it going. >> [laughs] how did you prepare to take on such a big role? >> ronny: well, you know, i have been kind of eating fish my whole life. >> oh, nice, okay. >> ronny: i feel like i knew what this character would really taste like. >> yeah, yeah. >> ronny: i channeled that into -- tried to put a little bit of -- >> you live inside a bird. >> ronny: yes, spoiler alert. i live in a bird. it is a unique character. it is actually the second marine character to ever appear in a "kung fu panda" franchise. [cheers and applause] just have to show aquatic animals on land. we figured it out. >> this is the fourth project you have done with me. how does it feel to always be below me on the call sheet? >> ronny: is that what it says? anyway.

this is the fourth project we have done together. >> we have. >> ronny: we've done so much cool stuff together. >> we have. >> ronny: got to talk you up on the movie a little bit. "kung fu panda 4". you play a -- >> corsac fox. >> ronny: is that a real animal? it is a beautiful asian fox. >> you play a beautiful asian fox. in "kung fu panda 4". [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that is what you look like over there. i don't know if i spoiled it but it is a pretty important role in this because normally you are the second lead. something happens in this movie that really -- it really will change the franchise forever, i think. i don't know if we can talk about it. you can't say what is going to -- >> the spoiler alert. i think the movie, this one, i watched it a lot, i was a fan of it, i'm a huge fan of jack black who is reprising his role. [cheers and applause]

he is really the real deal, and so i think it is now speaking to, i think, the adults that watched it and are moving on and stuff, like, change and stuff like that. >> ronny: let's end this so we can go home. no. it's really good to see you, man. you are honestly the best. i've known you for so long. you've always been so cool to me. "kung fu panda" is in theaters march 8th. awkwafina, everybody. we will take a quick break but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ give me a hot pink cosmopolitan... and some drama.

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a what? hekkene? moneken? heini! hakkinen, please. me? ♪♪ wait, how do you spell it? ♪♪ heinekenne. ♪♪ the green one. ah. ♪♪ hakkinen? yes. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: all right! that's our show for tonight. so here it is, your "moment of zen." >> we heard from michelle obama's staff today that she officially is not running for president. >> if you read between the lines, she is not saying she wouldn't agree to be drafted into the convention in chicago, her hometown. she is saying she is not running for president. so there is a chance and i am not just saying that to titillate the audience.

or maybe i am. >> sorry. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪

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