so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one. trivia announcer: oh boy. welcome to the stonewall lions trivia championships. first prize is $2,500. let's just do our thing, collect our hardware, and get the hell home. riboflavin. riboflavin? michigan. the president of the united states is potus. john steinbeck wrote "the grapes of wrath." ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! hey! i didn't know -- [cheers and applause] look at that. i didn't know where it was coming from! welcome to "the daily show!" please! my name is jon stewart. we got a lot going on in the world today, very consequential. the things you are seeing on the news and all that. huge consequences. but i would be remiss if i did not comment on the big news in broadcasting: pat sajak, patrick sajak stepped down from "wheel of fortune" after 41 years. it was incredibly emotional, and i just want to say to pat sajak: have you thought about just

doing mondays? because... [cheers and applause] you can phone and that [bleep] in. but of course, he is gone. just in time for pride month! ironically. [cheers and applause] i won't mention why. pride month is, of course, that time of year when corporations get together and financially exploit the decades-long struggle of gay people for acceptance and equality. hey! remember when you were fired from that bank job after you were outed? well, burger king does! with a burger that has two bottom buns! [audience reacts] yeah. that is not a funny make 'em up. scarred by conversion therapy? skittles is releasing a colorless version of skittles! apparently not wanting to confuse gay people with competing rainbows.

yeah. and then there's this ad, showing a family overcoming a father's deep conservative values. and as you watch it, try to guess exactly what it is they are selling. >> mom, this is amy. >> hi, amy. >> hey, dad. >> you're the cutest little baby. >> is that your dad? >> what is he doing? >> did i do it right? ♪ ♪ i love you. do you like it? >> i love it. [laughter and applause]

>> jon: what the [bleep]? yeah, the next time you waste an enormous amount of paint to apologize to your daughter for making her and her girlfriend walk on [bleep] eggshells the whole [bleep] weekend, not even saying anything, just standing there with your little glowering beard face, in the shadows... you painted face and give her an oreo? and then, of course, there's target. pride month means so much to them that they set up one small area in their 20,000 square feet of store space to sell you a pride t-shirt they had made in indonesia for 29 cents landed. because they believe so much in the cause. >> well, target will be dialing back its pride month merchandise this june. >> jon: what? how will i learn to "live, laugh, lesbian?"

that's right, target is... apparently less proud of pride this year. but why? >> retail giant target is grappling with backlash from conservatives over its most recent collection celebrating the lgbtq community. >> do not shop at target or else you're gay and you're a pervert. [laughter] >> jon: even if i'm just getting paper towels? is that -- but that's the burden corporations must bear. they care almost too much about the human condition, often finding themselves in the crosshairs of ideologues and fundamentalists. but they stand by their values. sometimes for a couple of months! for instance, post-january 6th, hundreds of corporations announced the end of donations to senators or congressmen who voted to overturn the election. and that moral stand in defense

of democracy itself lasted... almost a month! yeah, they ran the numbers, and apparently you can sell more cell phones in a dictatorship. but that month appears nearly gandhi-esque when compared to bud light, whose foray into inclusion was last april's incredibly not-in-the-public's-face small promotional social media video with a transgender influencer named dylan mulvaney. prompting a conservative bud light murder purge! [gunfire] dear god, man! those beers had families! bud light sales plummeted, stocks tanked, and it only took two weeks for budweiser to issue an apology and run a new ad campaign, designed to win back the kind of people who shoot at their products.

>> let me tell you a story about a beer rooted in the heart of america. >> jon: a talking horse? you're apologizing about a transgender influencer, using a talking horse? tell us your story, national velvet! >> found in a community where a handshake is a sure contract. this is a story bigger than beer. this is the story of the american spirit. ♪ ♪ >> jon: first of all, i think that horse is scared shitless. the apology gift to people upset about budweiser... is a budweiser. curious. but don't be sad. for this is only following in a long line of hollow corporate pandering meant to convince you that not only are corporations

people, they're good people! decent people! who care about the systemic ills of this great nation. we saw this very clearly in the wake of george floyd's murder. corporations saw people's demand for a reckoning with america's racist past, and they said, "sure, us too!" >> we're on a 400 year long journey and scars don't fade, but neither does hope. >> and in the fight against systematic racism and inequality, doritos is committing to amplifying black voices. >> general mills serves the world by making food people love and inclusion is one of our secret ingredients. >> at kraft heinz, our purpose is to make life delicious and we believe we can't achieve that without one essential ingredient: diversity.

[laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jon: are you sure you don't mean sodium triphosphate? meanwhile, while corporations forcefully pronounced their deeply held value of promoting diversity on network television, their commitment only lasted until the protests died down. >> time for the morning buzz. major tech giants, including google and meta, quietly slashing their diversity, equity, and inclusion jobs this year and laying off workers in those departments. d.e.i.-related job postings in 2023 declined 44%. >> jon: hmm, using much less of the ingredient than they thought they needed!

turns out the recipe kraft wanted just called for a dash of inclusion, just a soupcon of diversity! so they're very clearly conflicted between the high moral values they think we want and the amoral values that serve their shareholders. so if i may address corporate america quickly in this moment: stop. we don't need any of this. we don't need to know that your products are used by only the most diverse families walking down sidewalks, or camping, or diverse families doing a ride or a loan or doing laundry or a diverse family -- i don't know what they are. this guy, he's got a skin condition. no [bleep] way is he dating her! no way!

no way! there is no way! [applause] oh, sure, we are supposed to believe how many beautiful, multiracial young ladies are dating eczema opie. oh, okay! okay! very believable! i apologize sincerely to that gentlemen. and by the way, for those on the right who wish corporations would just ditch the woke performances and go back to good old-fashioned patriotic values: that's all bullshit, too! for god's sakes, spaghettios told us not to forget pearl harbor. by the way, why is the speghettio so happy about pearl harbor? is he remembering or celebrating it? i wouldn't be surprised

if spaghettios supported pearl harbor. technically, a can of spaghettios is a sneak attack on your digestive system. [laughter and applause] spaghettios: the arby's of pasta. [applause] why are we allowing ourselves to get worked up over whether giant, multi-national corporations are pro-gay or have traditional american values? because corporations have but one value: shareholder value. that's all they have! that budweiser horse that wants to restore our american spirit? it's actually owned by a belgian-brazilian beverage conglomerate! that "all-american" clydesdale's name is probably jean-luc bolsonaro. even the corporations you think are sincere, like dove and their multi-year commitment to

body positivity, are owned by unilever, also the owner of axe body spray and their decades-long commitment to [bleep] anything that moves! there is nothing corporations do that is not in service of their bottom line. even when you go to the checkout at the grocery store and the little card reader thing says, "you want to round up to help feed some children?" well, the first thing i think is, "you're the one with all the food, [bleep], why don't you round some of that up?" and then they got the balls to put out a press release talking about how much money they donated to stop world hunger. that's my money! you tell those kids that's my money! let's stop pretending that a corporation can even be woke or unwoke, or patriotic or unpatriotic.

let's just let corporations live their truth as the profit-seeking patrick bateman psychopaths they are. at the very least, we might finally -- [cheers and applause] we might finally get some honesty from them as well. take a look. ♪ ♪ >> hi. we are corporate america. >> not any specific one. all of them. they go over the years, we pledge our commitment to some important causes, like gay rights, democracy, and something to do with black people. >> this month, we are proud to celebrate our biggest commitment of all. no longer pretending that we give a ship shared about any of that. one of our new honesty, we pledge no more mission statements or awareness campaigns, or promises to increase diversity in management. >> you think a year ago, we'd be putting up two straight white people this close together? >> got no. we would hire two diverse actors to pretend they worked here. what a time. >> from now on, we will go on to do what we are designed to do, making products as cheaply as we

can and tel selling them to yout the highest price possible. >> yeah, but we'll still be carbon neutral because it's important to get in that zero. [laughter] >> i mean, we never did that in the first place. >> i don't even know what it means. >> here at corporate america, love is love. >> what are you doing? ♪ ♪ >> jon: when we come back, monica mcnutt will be joining us. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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it could've been a screw on a patio chair. or, a bent staple, that just won't staple. but here it is, chairing the welcome committee for an authentic, mexican dos equis. (♪♪) well, look at that. the welcome committee is at it again. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, a basketball analyst, host, and reporter for espn, as well as the voice of the new york knicks radio broadcast. please welcome to the program monica mcnutt! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

monica, how are you? [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ monica! welcome, welcome. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: it is so nice to see you. everyone is aware there was a huge, viral moment in sports reporting and you, monica, were at the center of it, concerning an appearance on stephen a. smith's show, and a young basketball player on the fever. >> mm-hmm. >> jon: who is apparently generating quite a bit of controversy. >> yes. >> jon: tell us a little bit about that viral moment. >> the conversation, jon, it started about this foul over the weekend, that chennedy carter for the chicago sky fouled caitlin clark on the indiana fever. i'm not going to lie to you, if i take you through my day that morning, i got the call, got the text,

are we really leading sports with this? are we really leading sports with a foul? >> jon: a person got knocked over in a basketball game. >> let's just do it. we have a conversation with colleagues and friends, stephen a. smith, shannon sharpe. my larger point in the conversation was the tenor and the prevailing narrative that has been created around this season's wnba play is that it is the league versus caitlin clark. and that is just absolutely false. it is unfair to the women that have been there, building this league to this moment, so that caitlin clark's popularity can take it to the next level. so while caitlin is fantastic and i think she's going to have an incredible career in the wnba, there are women that were worthy of coverage prior to her arriving and i will not be silenced when it comes to that. [cheers and applause] >> jon: beautifully said. now -- and i'm going to tell you this -- i have not particularly followed the wnba on a day-to-day. i follow women's basketball sometimes more in college, i think. in the old days, dawn staley and those players, i did follow that. >> yep. >> jon: but i have incredibly strong opinions about it anyway. >> okay. [laughs]

fair enough. fair enough. >> jon: there is another layer of conversation going on beneath this. >> correct. >> jon: that has been introduced onto the stage and that is, look, we all know everything that underlines society in many ways goes along race, class, and gender. >> mm-hmm. >> jon: and race, class, and gender has entered the conversation. >> in a very large way. what is interesting and i'm hoping more folks are like, yo, this basketball is great, i want to learn more about these women, race, culture, gender are things that the women of the wnba have never shied away from. a part of the bubble in 2020, they impacted the election in georgia in terms of standing on their values. but if we have a conversation about the societal totem pole, if you will, black women, a large representation of queer women, these are all things that sit at intersectional identities, and you just opened up your show talking about rallying these things. >> jon: that's exactly right. >> so there are all these isms out of me the wnba beautiful

for 28 years, including this season, and even the wnba has to have its arc in terms of growth of learning into these women both on and off the court. but it is, at the base of it, if you take all of that out, these are women who are competing and you just got here? what are we doing? [applause] >> jon: what is amazing about it is, what i have heard from some of the commentary are people who just got there saying, this is so unfair to the sweet white girl. now first of all, caitlin clark looks like a competitor. >> 100%. >> jon: she looks like somebody who is really a competitor. but the odd part is, i'm always interested in this idea that sports exists outside of the fault lines of regular society and isn't a reflection of those things and a continuation, in some respects, of those battles. >> mm-hmm. that existence is for probably, like, 20% of men's sports and then you got to deal with race and then there's other things that you got to deal with.

like we said, women's sports sits right in the midst of all of that. we could be not talking about basketball and we have plenty women's issues that have our country on fire. and so it's a beautiful time and i don't think anybody who is a part of this league or has covered this league, sure, we'll admit, keeping this thing that we love to protect it from all of the noise, right? >> jon: that's interesting. >> but in the same breath, the eyeballs and the visibility and the growth is better for all involved. >> jon: are there people within the wnba community who feel like, i don't want this to belong to everybody? i wanted to belong to this band of sisters that have worked so hard to make it something? oh, monica mcnutt! one of the band! >> i have had that moment a few times, because as much as the conversation has been dictated by the audience, right, we still haven't really set up and talked about the actual basketball of it, jon! i don't know how many people just joined the wnba understand that las vegas aces are chasing down a threepeat,

which hasn't been done since the formative years of the league, houston comets. i don't know how many people know that the connecticut sun just lost their first game the other day, they were 9-0 to start the season. what names can i help introduce you to? if you pick up a "rolling stone," a'ja wilson and breanna stewart are part of the next issue, i believe. so we have opened the door but we are still looking in instead of walking in, if i may. >> jon: absolutely. absolutely. >> so i think it is a really unique time -- and even with this olympic team stuff. caitlin clark, who you mentioned is a the tremendous competitor, said herself, it's the toughest team to make. not surprised. >> jon: and she's a rookie. she's just coming out of iowa. >> she can say that and she can also feel as if something in her has been awoken in terms of making that a goal of her own. i would hope -- and i know this is not a thing in sports -- we got to remember that two things can be true. she's been great for the league but there were 144 women prior to her in this class that have gotten this thing up to year 28. >> jon: final question, i am a

new york knicks fan -- >> yes, we know. >> jon: and i want desperately to know if what i'm seeing, if the love i am feeling, i have opened my heart again. monica, it's been so long -- >> let's hold hands. >> jon: thank you so much. i have opened up my heart again to a basketball team. i never thought it would happen again. >> i am proud of you. i am so proud of you. that was a big move. >> jon: monica, i have to tell you something, i am afraid to be hurt. >> that's okay. >> jon: will the knicks hurt me? >> life is full of -- >> jon: that was hesitation, monica! that was a hesitation! [laughter and applause] i want them to be great! >> i think they are on the right track what you got to play the games. >> jon: that is why we go to them. and i don't want to be a sad meme anymore, which is always what happens when i'm at the games. monica, what a delight to meet you and i am such a fan of yours and i wish you all the best and continued success. monica mcnutt, ladies and gentlemen. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

people couldn't see my potential. so i had to show them. i've run this place for 20 years, but i still need to prove that i'm more than what you see on paper. today i'm the ceo of my own company. it's the way my mind works. i have a very mechanical brain. why are we not rethinking this? i am more... i'm more than who i am on paper. norman, bad news... i never graduated from med school. what? -but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... i know... faster wifi and savings? ...i don't want to miss that.

that's amazing doc. mobile savings are calling. visit xfinitymobile.com to learn more. doc? [keyboard typing] [clock ticking] librarian: you're playing with fire, kid. ♪ laptops aren't made to handle all that... ♪ multiple apps, big files. you think it won't crash. ♪ you're a hot dog in a hurricane. ♪ student: it's a mac, it's running fine.

[clock ticking] librarian: oh... that's a weird fork man.

we've never spoken. but you've told us many things. that you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. the lexus es didn't begin in a studio — it began with you. ♪♪ it's hard to run a business on your own. make it easier on yourself. with shopify, you can have your inventory, payments, and customers in sync across all the places you sell. start your journey with a free trial today. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of this week, mr. jordan klepper! jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] jordan, what will you be

covering? >> well, jon, i am eager to dig into the ramifications of these important french elections, which is why i will be covering it live from paris! >> jon: oh, we cannot afford that. so that's not -- >> oh, really. cool. well, in that case, i'll be focusing on israeli citizens being banned from visiting the maldives, so join me all this week live from the maldives! [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's more expensive. it's a luxury resort. >> we can't even -- okay, fine. [bleep] it. i'll be talking about the hunter biden gun trial in delaware. >> jon: fine, you can go to delaware. >> which i will be covering live from cancun! >> jon: no. >> may be? maybe he flees there? >> jon: i guess we'll see. jordan klepper all this week, everyone. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> donald trump, he will sit down for that meeting and he will be able to engage with that

probation officer, who will hand his report to the judge, the judge can then use that report and helping to make a determination about what sentence he will hand down to the former president at that july 11th sentencing. >> over there song bear, "great balls of fire." - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy, neighbor!" ♪ - ♪ headin' up to south park, gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - [muffled singing] - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪

you will be the first transport into agents with powers beyond those of mortal man. or, you just might explode, we don't really know. i give you... the mega minions. [ speaking minionese ] [ laughter ] good luck with that.

- ♪ walgreens ♪ - next, please! - you are sure you want to do this? - of course i'm sure! - okay, roll up your sleeve. - i can't believe we all got duped. i been wearing this stupid thing for months. i feel like such a tool. - lying jerk! - [crying] - hold still, please. - i don't know what to believe in anymore. mkay? - all right, let's do this. make me believe in something that's bullshit will you?

uh, hold on. uh, let's see. that one. stupid fraud! good riddance to you! - all right, i'm next! i'm next! get this thing off of me! - did you do it? - yep, it's done. you know i spent 5 bucks on that stupid thing? - [mumbling] i told you it was a bad idea. - oh, don't even start, kenny. just because you guys didn't buy into the bracelets doesn't mean you're smarter than me, okay? - [sighs] - what's wrong with him? - oh, i feel like such an idiot. - it's all right, dad. - but i wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy is a complete phony! there's even more coming out about it today. - these latest tests are once again confirming that the performance enhancing drug hgh was in the body of christ at the time of crucifixion. all over the country, people are having their "what would jesus do" wristbands cut off. it was just a last week a team of scientists found traces of hgh on the shroud of turin along with several other illegal compounds and pain killers. - without a doubt, there was hgh in the body of christ

at the time of crucifixion. jesus did not suffer for our sins. he was, in fact, very high. - all the years of being told something. it's just so unfair. - priests and bishops have been working overtime to remove jesus from the record books and from the last supper. - [speaking latin] - i know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets. i bet they all feel pretty stupid now. - [sighs] [school bell rings] - yeah, and so--and so then i asked preacher, well, what about the new testament? - uh-huh.

- and he says, well, you still should ought to read it, but you're gonna need to put an asterisk next to jesus' name whenever it comes up. - so weak, dude. dark times, brah. dark times. dude, what the hell? you're wearing a "what would jesus do" bracelet! - all right, all right, i got it a few weeks ago. big whoop. - the big whoop isn't that you have one. the big whoop is that you're still wearing it! - yeah, stan, didn't you hear jesus did all his miracles on drugs? - yeah, i know. - well, don't you care? jesus asterisk christ, stan, people are really feeling cheated by all this! - [moaning] where do i go? what do i do? - cartman's right. if you care about fairness, stan, then you really have to lose the bracelet. - look, i just don't want to, you guys. honestly, it's not that big a deal. - it's the charlie rose show. here's chuck. - we are here tonight with the only person in america who still wears his "what would jesus do" wristband. please welcome stan marsh. - dick! - stan, after everything that's come out, after all the facts have been proven, why do you still wear the wristband? - i don't know. i just like it.

- you just like it. - yeah, i don't know. i've had it a long time. i just don't feel like cutting it off. - well, joining us now is just one of the billions of people who think that anyone who still wears their "what would jesus do" wristband is doing all of society a disservice. chris martin, you say that stan marsh is a dick? - yeah, yeah, thanks, charlie. my problem with this kid is he doesn't care about the truth. okay, if jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine, but then he went on to say it was a miracle, and that is where it became dangerous. what about the incas? what about the aztecs? millions of people who were murdered in jesus' name, and then jesus turns out to be a fraud. wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone. - what do you say about that, stan? - i don't know. i like it. - all right, well, we searched high and low to find my next guest, who actually agrees with stan marsh and thinks he's doing the right thing. please welcome a retarded fish. - [blows bubbles] - now, retarded fish, you don't see any problem at all with someone keeping their bracelet? - barp blarp blarp blarp blarp blarp blarp! - that's because--that's because you're a retarded fish,

and you don't know any better! what about the crusades? the inquisitions? how many people were tortured and put to death for somebody who was a fake? - barp. - what about the crusades, stan? does that enter into your decision at all? - no, i just-- i don't know. no. - anything to add, retarded fish? - no. no, i'm good. thank you. [school bell rings] - stan! hey, stan, can i talk to you? listen, stan, i just want to tell you, you've really been an inspiration, mkay? - i have? - yeah, you know, i can't believe in jesus anymore 'cause he's a damn fraud, so what i'm gonna believe in is just being me and being independent like you. so what i did is i got this brown bracelet to remind me of standing my ground, mkay? and just believing in the cause of being me. - you're wearing a bracelet to think of me? - oh, i'm not the only one. there's lots of people doing it! hey, butters, stanground! - stanground, mr. mackey! - anyway, thanks, stan. and, you know, just keep on-- keep on standing your ground, mkay?

- you're wearing a brown bracelet now, butters? - well, yeah, it helps remind me that i shouldn't back down anymore when i feel pressure from other people! i just got really moved after i saw what you did for all those farmers in belarus. - farmers in where? all: yeah! - dude, where are people getting all the brown wristbands? - i don't know. i got mine down at 7-eleven. see? right here. - hello, you interested in a stanground brace-- oh, wow, it's you! stanground, bro! - wow, this is happening so fast. - hello, stan. steve nelson with endorsement management. are you ready for your nike commercial? - yes. [mellow hip-hop] my friends told me i was crazy. that i was wasting my time. but my cause is to stand my ground. when others sat, i kept my bracelet on because i stand for standing.

- would you like to be seated? - no, thanks. i'll stand. - hey, you want to sit down? - i'm good. - sir, the captain's asked everyone to take their seats. - tell the captain to take off. people ask me, "you never took the bracelet off? not once?" no. never. not ever. what do i do? i stanground. [school bell rings] - now, when dr. drew told jeff conway he was on a one-way street to nowhere, what tactics did he use to try and convince-- - mr. marsh. if you don't mind, we'd like to see your bracelet. - for what? - if you have nothing to hide, then please hand it over, mr. marsh. - what are you people talking about? - are we good? we live? tom, i'm here at south park elementary where officials have barged their way in after reports that stan marsh of the stanground foundation did in fact at one point remove his yellow bracelet. rumors have surfaced that stan did not stand his ground as previously stated,

and that the wristband is in fact super-glued back together. - please let us check your wristband for super glue. - no! this is stupid! - he's the one person who doesn't do stuff like that. why don't you leave him alone? - are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, mr. marsh? - no! i never cut it off. - then let us see it. - this is an outrage! who out there is saying that our friend stan is a liar? - i cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source who is of the utmost prestige. - who? - all right, it was craig. - craig! you asshole. - what's the big idea, craig? - it just looked like you cut it off, that's all. - you got nothing better to do than try and knock me down? you can't just say anything you want about people! - ooh, look at him go, standing his ground! all: yeah! - you know what happens when you lie, craig? you hold that lie inside... - go, stan! - and it grows and it grows right in your balls until they have to cut it out! - a little unnecessary, but go, stan! - go ahead and test it! then let's just see what happens

to this money-hungry alcoholic prostitute! all: yeah! - prostitute!

norman, bad news... i never graduated from med school. what? -but the good news is... xfinity mobile just got even better! now, you can automatically connect to wifi speeds up to a gig on the go. plus, buy one unlimited line and get one free for a year. i gotta get this deal... i know... faster wifi and savings? ...i don't want to miss that. that's amazing doc. mobile savings are calling. visit xfinitymobile.com to learn more. doc?

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- this is breaking news. the tests are done, and the results are in. the little boy who claimed he never cut off his "what would jesus do" bracelet did cut it off and lied about it. - not only did we find traces of super glue but of yellow magic marker as well. this is a dark day for honest french swedish people everywhere. - though the tests seemed conclusive, stan marsh continues to deny any cheating. [knocking at door] - yeah. - hey, dude, people are kind of pissed off at you. - thanks, kyle. - you probably should come clean and tell the truth. did you super glue your bracelet? - why does it matter? - because you kind of made it matter. - you know, i'm just-- i'm just through with this whole thing. i can't put my family through any more of this. - so you did super glue it.

- you know what's really sad? that this is what matters to people. what nobody seems to remember are the farmers in belarus! stanground is bigger than me. you want to tell all those farmers in belarus it's all bullcrap? - dude, the sooner you eat your peas, the sooner you can try to win some of your friends back. you need to bill clinton this. - you really think i went through all that trouble-- lying about my wristband and claiming to be something i wasn't-- for what, kyle? for what? this is a witch hunt, dude. it's all that stupid french scientist. he's the fraud, and i'm gonna prove it! - [breathing deeply] - would you mind getting me some water, darling? - can't you see i'm trying to do my calisthenics? - but my throat is parched, dear, and i'm so scared of burglars. - is tap water going to be okay, or do you want me to go down to a crystal geyser and bring her highness some right from the spring? - tap is fine, dear.

what was that? i could have sworn i saw something outside. - it's your imagination. [breathing deeply] - oh, darling, could you change the channel for me? the remote is dead. - [sighs] you just want to me to change the channel? or should i go and make a tv program written just for you? - no, just change to channel ten. thanks. - it's starting to feel like the carol burnett show in here. [vase shatters] - what was that? i think somebody's here! - maybe it's the pee pee fairy so somebody can take a pee pee for you too. - please, i'm terrified. please go check it out. - [sighs] - jesus! - shh! - what are you doing here? - my child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy. i am simply here to search for something i can use... both: to discredit him too.

- that's what i'm doing. - oh, it's tweedledum and tweedledee trying to break into my house. - jesus, everyone is claiming you were using drugs to resurrect. why didn't you say anything? - sometimes it is best to say nothing, my son. - yeah, i've been kind of seeing that. - excuse me, i'm sorry to intrude, but do you want to seve or should i make you some kofelbread and sausages? - it all just happened so fast. the next thing i new, i had a nike commercial. - yeah, i know how it goes. - everyone hates me now, and it isn't fair. - i know. i just feel like if people could see me in action again, they'd realize i'm not a fraud. - here you go, kofelbread and sausages for you. - thanks a lot. jesus, did you take hgh to do your miracles? - no! pft. that's just-- no, okay? no. everyone just lost their faith. did you cut your wristband off, my son? - no! pft. no, that's--no, okay? no. and anyway, it's not even the issue. - pft, i know right? - pft, it's like, that's here and--

- yeah, and we're, like, you know, here. - pft, there's-- there's farmers in belarus who are in a life and death struggle. that's what should be important. - yeah, instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone focusing on what matters! where's bela-- rus? - exactly! people don't even know where it is! - maybe if we could get people to care about it, then i could go and save it, and people would be stoked on me again. - how can we raise awareness? - we need to get some bracelets. - welcome, welcome to the p.f. pityef bracelet factory! how can i be of service? - well, we wanted to start a new movement, and we thought since your company seems to make all the bracelets... - ah, i see you're wearing one of our brown scauses already! delightful! what color would you like your new scause to be? - our scause? - well, of course! you came for a scause to wear on your paws, and you want others to wear yours upon thars! - i'm confused. - hm, perhaps i should start from the beginning.

in the modern age, there are those who believe that a cause is a thing to be worn on one's sleeve, and so we sell a cause. it's called a scause, and wearing a scause gets you lots of applause. we start with some plastic, which is sherped by our sherpas, then dip it in colors that show off your purpose. there are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties, and pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties. do you hate abortion? ah, then a white scause is for you! why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue? we make scauses for this! we make scauses for that! why, there's even a scause for just being fat! what's the matter? can't think of a scause? how about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnoz? let's just think of the thing that you care about most! then let's make it orange, like marmalade toast! and now i'd like to say thank you for your coming down. i'm off to go sell these in your little town! - dude, the hell just happened?

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[school bell rings] - kids. kids, mkay. i need to talk to you about a serious matter. you've probably all noticed my orange wristband, mkay? it's to show my solidarity with the people of belarus. mkay, you should know that the belarusian government is right now trying to-- - we know, mr. mackey. we all have our belarus bracelets too. - oh, you do. you got those? okay, okay, that's good. good you're doing something about it, mkay? hey, kids! kids, over here!

- dude, what's this about orange bracelets? where do you get them? - there's a guy selling them downtown, but they're not made from recycled plastic. - dude, i don't give a crap about using recycled plastic. - yes, you do. - oh, i guess i do care about that. huh. - hey, stan. well, some people are saying that you knew what you were doing all along. that you cut off your wristband on purpose to shed light on the belarusian farmers. - people are saying that? - yeah. is it true? - well, you know, whatever it takes, butters. people are aware of the problems in belarus. maybe i did it all on purpose, or maybe it was just a coincidence. - yeah, whatever, stan. i thought you were a butthole, but now i think you're a cute, sneaky little butthole. - we did it. - it has become the biggest concern for most people: the farmers of belarus in their plight against their government. and now one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis. his name? jesus. - these are very troubling times, and these farmers are literally fighting for their lives. you know, i'm, uh-- i'm here just to do whatever i can. - jesus, some people might be thinking you're doing this

as some kind of publicity stunt to put to rest the rumors of your drug use. - you know, i don't even have time to think about that. this is a crisis that needs my attention, and i'm just here to do whatever i can. i've talked to the government here, and i've talked to the farmers, and i think we have everything just about worked out. crowd: aah! - you know, whatever stupid rumors people want to believe about me, it doesn't change the fact that the people of bellaris need my help. - i believe it's belarus, jesus. - yes, it very well may be if we don't do something now. - um, so you think you've done something here to keep the conflict from escalating. is that right? - i'm just doing what i've always done. people want to know what i'm on. what am i on? i'm on a farm in bellaris, busting my ass. what are you on? - uh-huh, and now that the belarusian farmers are all dead, what will you try next? - what? aw, shit! [crowd shouting] - one at a time, please! one at a time! - look, i want to return this orange bracelet, mkay?

it's worthless now! - not a problem. you can return your scause, and for just $5, i'll give you two more! - okay, i need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes, and a jade green one for how much i hate kyle. - absolutely! $5, please! - heidi turner says you asked her to borrow super glue last week. - are you still on that, dude? have you ever heard of ends justifying means? [twing, boing, pop, toot] - oh, my, it's the sound! - what sound? - of all sounds in all soundom, this one's most profound! that's the sound that means i must pack up my tent! it's the sound of the very last cent being spent! my work here is done, and just look at you now! you're all covered in scauses, from your hoof to your brow! enjoy all your scauses! you look great in your cause! be sure to give each other lots of applause! i'm off to the next town in my little truck! have a nice day! toodle-oo!

- [bleep]. dude. weak. - it's almost like... like that guy had this figured out all along. - yeah. - we were trying to do good, but we got everyone duped by a bracelet company. - yeah, well, i guess we're just gonna have to accept that people aren't gonna think very highly of us. - well, we can't just let that guy get away with taking everyone's money. - what can we possibly do? - what would jesus do? [rocky's theme playing] ♪ ♪ - [roaring]

[yelling] - yeah! - rah! rahh! rah! vengeance is mine! - no, please! please show mercy! - rah! - [screaming] [gauge beeping] [cheers and applause] - thank you, my children. we've all been through a lot. we got caught up in scauses that didn't mean squat. they turned my message away from the teachings it hid