l you go. okay. bye. bye. hey, oscar? what's up, pam? um, i just wanted to let you know that dwight's gonna be okay. the doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. okay. i just, uh, thought you'd wanna know that. (nurse) okay, mr. schrute. inhale with me on three. one, two... sir, stop that. stop... stop that. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> michael: yes! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta! we've got so much to talk about tonight. the olympics has big dick energy, conservatives are finally interested in women's sports, and rfk jr. just lost his endorsement from smokey bear. let's get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the olympics, a gathering of the world's greatest athletes, and also some people who own horses. now i've been super interested in these olympics, mostly because i bet my daughter's college tuition on mixed doubles badminton. but it's fine, she's not really an academic kid, to be honest. so far, it's been incredible -- no, not the badminton. that's a stupid sport. but the real sports, like the

men's 100 meter finals on sunday, where american noah lyles got the gold medal by five-thousandths of a second. [cheers and applause] do you realize how little time that is? that's five-thousandths of a second. i just said it. pay attention! this was the closest finish in over 40 years. and i don't want to take anything away from noah lyles, but isn't this... a tie? i mean, what do we even have ties for if we're not going to pull it out for stuff like this? in fact, if you're just watching this with your eyes, all these guys finished at the same time. if these guys were trains, no one would say, "my train was late." another olympic moment getting a lot of attention is the olympic pole vaulter who knocked the bar over with his large penis. now, if you haven't heard about this story, do not google "penis olympics." that will take you to the wrong website. what can i say?

i like to do my own research. but you also don't really need to google it, because that's the whole story. a pole vaulter lost when his giant schlong got caught on the crossbar. and according to the rules of pole vaulting, you're allowed to touch the crossbar, but you're not allowed to [bleep] it. so he lost. but this has got to be the best possible way to lose. "yeah, i would've won, if it weren't for this damned massive hog i have." in fact, this is the only event where the guy who won probably felt bad. like, "hey, my dick is good, too!" i will say, next olympics, this guy should compete in the 100 meters. he'd win from 10 feet back. [cheers and applause]

oh, everyone loves a good pole vaulting dick joke. but look, to this athlete: i know this is tough but i'll say to you what i say to the little league team i coach: it's not whether you win or lose. it's how gigantic everyone knows your penis is. but the biggest story so far is about algerian boxer imane khelif, who's been doing a great job in the women's boxing tournament. some people would say, too good. >> some critics questioning whether khelif should have been allowed to compete in that ring at all, and claiming that khalife is a man or transgender, something ioc officials have emphatically denied. >> the algerian boxer was born female, was registered female, lived her life as a female, boxed as a female, has a female passport. this is not a transgender case. >> michael: seems pretty open and shut to me. she was born a woman, lives as a woman, and boxes other women. so what is the argument against that? >> this is such an outrage. look at this. this is a man. this is a man who is competing

in the boxing tournament for women. >> michael: no, she's not. she's a woman. she's a woman like you, megyn kelly. a woman at the peak of her career, unlike megyn kelly. [cheers and applause] she still is a woman. >> you can easily say, listen, you can only fight and compete in the gender in which you were born. those are just the rules. end of story. end it. >> michael: okay, but those rules would still let her box with women, because, again, she is a woman. she's fought as a woman her whole life. she's even lost to other female boxers nine times! what more proof do you want? does fox news need the ghost of roger ailes to sexually harass her first? she's a woman. >> if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and punches like a duck, i think it's a duck. >> michael: well, look, so she's not a duck. she's a woman. you're not making me question whether i know what a woman is, you're making me question

whether you know what a duck is. [cheers and applause] because, again, this female boxer is female. can we stop this before america turns it into a presidential campaign issue? >> the far left wants to allow biological males to beat the living crap out of women in boxing. >> michael: is that really what this race is going to be about? j.d. vance is going to be out on the campaign trail like, "you know, when i was growing up in the holler, the one thing we cared about was international women's boxing regulations." by the way, if conservatives are so concerned with women's safety, maybe consider caring about it outside of sports? [cheers and applause] there are women in america who are like, "help me, i'm having an ectopic pregnancy," and conservatives are like, "shut up! we're trying to protect women over here." look, i'm sorry this elite athlete does not look like the

way you think a woman should look, but a woman is allowed to be dominating and powerful at a sport without you questioning her gender. because, don't forget, these guys -- [cheers and applause] don't forget, these guys dragged her, and algerian female boxer, into their american conservative culture war. and if they are going to use her as a metaphorical punching bag, the least they can do is step into the ring and let her use them as a literal punching bag. [cheers and applause] let's move on to the presidential race. kamala harris is set to announce her running mate at any moment, and to balance out the ticket, it'll most likely be a white guy like josh shapiro, tim walz, or the pole vaulter dude with the penis. let's put that beast to use breaking the glass ceiling! [laughter] you guys love a pole-vault dick joke. meanwhile, donald trump has backed out of the september debate he had previously agreed, and is now saying he'll only debate kamala if it's in a

packed arena moderated by fox news. also, at any point in the debate, he gets to call the cops on her for loitering. also, it's not a debate, it's golf. but look, i'm actually sympathetic to trump. don't forget, he agreed to this debate against joe biden. if i agreed to wrestle an old man, and at the last second, he taps in a younger opponent whose knees actually work, i might also object. but look, wrangling over a debate, choosing a vp candidate, these are normal campaign stories. and since this race has already been so crazy, with trump getting shot and biden dropping out, and j.d. vance being... j.d. vance, i'm just glad that we finally have a normal presidential race, with normal presidential stories. right? >> breaking overnight, rfk jr. confesses to leaving a dead bear cub in central park. why? he said he did not have the time to skin and eat it. >> michael: what?

i don't know what's worse, that rfk jr. dumped a dead bear cub in central park, or that he said he only did it because he didn't have time to eat it. let me just back up here. this happened back in 2014, and i remember when they found that dead bear. because you find dead bodies in central park all the time, but they're usually tourists, so nobody cares. [laughter] but a bear? now that's memorable. >> a decade ago, a central park mystery baffled new yorkers, captured headlines across the country. >> police now want to know how the bear died and how it got into the park. >> now we know. robert f. kennedy jr., the independent presidential candidate, says he brought the dead bear to central park. in the videotaped confession, kennedy recounts the strange tale to controversial comedian roseanne barr. >> michael: i'm sorry, he's

admitting this to roseanne barr in a kitchen over a plate of flinstone's ribs? i mean, what is happening? does he think it will sound more normal if he's telling it to a crazy person? but you know what, let's not judge him too fast. let's hear him tell rosanne barr how he ended up dumping a dead bear cub in central park. >> i was taking a group of people falconing up in goshen, new york, up in the hudson valley. >> michael: great start. "i was out falconing with my friends." so far, very relatable story. >> and then a woman in a van in front of me hit a bear and killed it, a young bear. so i pulled over and i picked up the bear, and put him in the back of my van, because i was going to skin the bear, and it was very good condition. and i was going to put the meat in my refrigerator. and you can do that in new york state. you can get a bear tag, uh, for a roadkill bear.

>> michael: oh, yeah. you saw paddington get t-boned, and your first thought was, "pause the falconing, we got to get that bear in this car to skin and eat it, which, for some reason, i know is legal in this state." that tracks. that tracks. sorry, keep going. >> we had a really good day and we went late. we were catching a lot of game, and instead of going back to my home in westchester, i had to go right to the city cause there was a dinner at peter luger's steakhouse. >> michael: [laughs] yeah, right, so let's just do a quick recap: he already spent all day hunting game with falcons, he's on his way to eat a steak, which is a dead cow, but on the way, he had to stop and pick up a dead bear. and this is the environmental candidate? [applause] oh, and by the way, peter luger's steakhouse, it's a fancy steakhouse. it's not a place where people

pull up to the valet with bear cubs hanging out of the backseat. "hey, here's the keys. don't steal the rotting bear, i'm going to eat that!" >> and at the end of the dinner, it went late, and i realized i couldn't go home. i had to go to the airport. and the bear was in my car and i didn't want to leave the bear in the car, um, 'cause that would've been bad. >> michael: right. i mean, you wouldn't want your car to smell like rotting bear. then people might think you're a sociopath! that still doesn't explain why he dumped it in central park. >> there'd been a series of bicycle accidents in new york. they had just put in the bike lanes. and some people, a couple of people had gotten killed. and it was every day. and people had gotten badly injured. every day, it was in the press. and i said, i had an old bike in my car that somebody had asked me to get rid of. and i said, let's go put the bear in central park, and we'll make it look like he got hit by a bike. [laughter] it'll be funny for people. >> michael: oh, ha, ha, ha.

i get it. you were making a joke about all the people being killed by bicycles. ha, ha, ha. rosanne gets it, don't you, rosanne? can you imagine how weird you have to be for rosanne to look at you like you're crazy? honestly, i feel bad for her. she probably thought she was doing a cameo on "the bear." none of this story makes sense. if he was late to the airport, you don't drive into the heart of manhattan to dump a dead bear. you dump it into the east river. or you just bring it on the airplane! you call it your emotional support bear carcass, they'll let it on! look, i will say this: i am one of those people who hates the two party system, but if this is the candidate of the third party, i say, screw it. let's just have a king. for more on this extremely strange story, let's go out to rfk headquarters with desi lydic. [cheers and applause]

desi. desi, this is a really disturbing story rfk told. >> actually, kosta, the campaign is feeling quite confident about how rfk handled this potential p.r. crisis. it's like he saw the story by the side of the road and said, "i can make a meal out of this." >> michael: so rfk thinks that filming that video with rosanne barr was a good thing? >> oh, absolutely. by telling the story to a comedian, he transformed it from "disturbing story" to "funny anecdote." and word is, he's sticking with that strategy going forward. in fact, i'm hearing that he just confessed that he was the diarrhea guy who did diarrhea on that diarrhea plane. >> michael: wait, that plane last year that landed because a guy had diarrhea all over the aisle? rfk was that guy? >> that's right. that's right. he just sat down in rob schneider's garage to tell him the story. see, he was falconing along the hudson when he found a bunch of

loose deli meats by the river. he was going to throw it out, but he was running late, so he just ate all of it, jumped on the plane, and the rest is history. a lot of people would be embarrassed, but rfk is putting it all out there, just like he did on that plane. >> michael: you know, this is a lot for the american people to process, right after the bear thing. >> i know. just wait until they hear about how he caused the bp oil spill in 2010. >> michael: deepwater horizon? he caused that? >> calm down. he just finished explaining it in adam carolla's gazebo. it's a funny story! see, what happened was, rfk was flamingo-ing upstate. then he came across a lion giving birth. he wanted to collect the placenta in mason jars, for smoothies, but he had a train to catch in six and a half minutes, so -- >> michael: desi, what are you even talking about? these aren't cute, charming stories. they're bizarre and creepy!

>> oh, well, you are not going to like the twitch livestream he did from carrot top's tomato garden. >> michael: oh, my god, what did he even talk about? >> oh, this is a real fun one. see, what happened was, rfk was swan-tipping upstate. he worked up quite the appetite. because those swans don't go down without a fight. so he scoured the local highways for food, but sadly, nothing adorable had been hit by a car. then he realized he was already on a flight to wuhan, where he then went to a wet market with no shoes on. >> michael: desi, are you telling me rfk started the covid pandemic by going barefoot in a wet market? >> well, when you put it that way, it's much less funny. you're no roseanne. >> michael: desi lydic, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll talk to roxane gay. don't go anywhere. [cheers and applause] is that true? [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a best-selling author, publisher, and a professor whose new e-book is called "stand your ground: a black feminist reckoning with america's gun problem." please welcome roxane gay! [cheers and applause] wow, all right. [cheers and applause] what made you want to write this piece about guns? >> a lot of different things, but my brother was a big gun owner, very enthusiastic about guns, which was weird, because nobody in my family cares about guns and we were like, where did this come from?

>> michael: yeah. >> and he kept trying to get my other brother and i to buy a gun and we are like, no, we are good. finally, he broke us all down and so i got my first gun, and one of the things i noticed at the gun store and at the gun range was that there were a lot of people of color and black women in particular. and so i thought, why are black women buying guns? other than the obvious. [laughter] >> michael: well, why are black women buying guns? >> black woman, i think, are buying guns simply because we often recognize if we don't protect ourselves, no one else will. a lot of times it's that we don't trust that the police will come to our homes and protect us and in fact, sonya massey's murder recently bears that out among many others. and so i think it is not a form of empowerment, which is i think is overused and cheesy, but it is a form of protection and recognizing that sometimes you have to take your own defense in your own hands. >> michael: there is something beautiful about a bunch of white

male forefathers 260 years ago not envisioning black and brown people at the shooting range. >> i know. >> michael: was it beautiful? was that -- >> i mean, i think there was a lot to be said about the founders and their lack of vision. i mean, people always talk about -- [laughter] how much vision they have. >> michael: you mention it in the essay, that the second amendment wasn't written for black people. >> it wasn't written for black people, it wasn't written for women. they saw us as only three fifths of a person so i guess we could only use three fifths of a musket. but now, you know, if the second amendment applies to white men, it applies to all of us. [applause] >> michael: what did you learn that maybe you weren't expecting about america's gun epidemic in this process? >> i learned so much. and i think everyone -- i mean, we read the statistics every single time there is a horrific crime and nothing ever changes. but there are more guns than people in this country. >> michael: nuts.

>> which cannot possibly be the case, but yet it is. and only about 35% of americans own guns, which is to say that the people who own guns, really, really love their guns. and they own a whole lot of them. and that really surprised me, because when you listen to the nra and other lobbyists talk about gun ownership, they really make it seem like everyone is walking around with a gun in their purse or in the back of their jeans and that is not the case. nor should it be. and yet, that is what we hear, that so many people own guns. no, it is a choice that some people make, and yet those people get a disproportionate amount of our cultural attention. >> michael: you wrote that black gun ownership is definitely a political act. white gun ownership is generally taken as an inalienable right. explain that to me. >> absolutely. we tend to look at the bill of rights -- i almost said the ten commandments. [laughs] >> michael: eh. they are getting closer and closer. >> we treat those bill of rights

as it inalienable, but the further you get from a white, heterosexual, cisgender man, the more you have to fight for those rights, and the more you are considered sort of an anomaly when you choose to avail yourself of those rights. and i'm not the kind of person who is going to wrap myself in the second amendment. i think that no one should be able to own a gun, and if they want to come take it, like, feel free. >> michael: [laughs] >> that said, as long as the right is there, i think there are many black gun owners who say, why not? and some people are shooting enthusiasts. some people are concerned with self-defense and home protection. and there is room for all of that. we contain multitudes. >> michael: i love in your essay, you reminded all of us that the second amendment is 27 words. >> it is. it is shocking given how often people talk about it. >> michael: it is kind of like, hey, guys, you need a little more clarity. >> you would think. can we be a little more specific? also, in 1787, when they were writing those 27 words, a musket took a long time to load.

and it only shot one bullet at a time. i don't think that the founding fathers could have begun to imagine what that gun would become. and the fact that we decided collectively that we were okay with not regulating weapons of mass destruction is something that astonishes me every single day. >> michael: kamala harris. how are you feeling? >> i am feeling great. [cheers and applause] >> michael: as a black woman, as a feminist, as a gun owner -- i don't know if that pertains -- >> it actually doesn't pertain at all. >> michael: doesn't pertain, okay. >> however, i think that -- i wasn't really advocating for biden to step down, but i was excited when he did. i think that vice president harris is going to be a very interesting president. i think we have an opportunity. for so long, we've been told, we have to wait until 2025, 2032, 2040, who knows, for real

political change. and even in the run-up to harris becoming the nominee, people were saying that she's not a viable candidate. like, what about gavin newsom, what about gretchen whitmer? and so i think it is a real interesting moment to consider, who is kamala harris and what kind of president would she be? but i am encouraged. i think she is going to do the job extremely well. i don't think that she is going to make everyone happy but i don't think that is possible for a president. and look at the alternative. >> michael: [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you for talking with us. >> thank you. >> michael: the original e-book and audiobook, "stand your ground", is available only on ever-and. roxane gay. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you for sharing the story. [cheers and applause]

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♪♪ whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, this election season, we are working with headcount to make sure you and your friends are good to vote. did you know that your friends are much more likely to vote when the ask comes from you? so if you get three friends to make sure they're ready to vote, you could be entered to win a trip to new york city for a backstage experience on the set of "the daily show." take action now by texting "tds" to 57568 or by going to the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> this one is so smart, so sharp, she grabbed me, she gave me a kiss. i said, i think i'm never going back home to the first lady.

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- no, no, no, i'm telling you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skintight clothes and singing songs about their va-jay-jays. it used to be, chicks sung about relationships. now it's all, "my va-jay-jay this, my va-jay-jay that." but clearly, that's what sells. think about it. when was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar, singing about her va-jay-jay? see? you can't remember. - he--hey, fellas. - where's your lunch, butters? - oh, it's okay. i'm not hungry anyways. - dude, did a bully take your lunch money again? - yeah. - that's the third day in a row. you gotta tell a teacher. - nah, i'm not a tattletale. - well, then write the principal an anonymous letter. - no, i'm not no anonymous andy. - so, then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up. - nah, i don't want kids calling me a cliche conflict resolution kevin. - he has a point.

- well, then you gotta ride it out, butters. - yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass. - i can't believe what i'm hearing. this is why bullying is getting worse and worse at our schools. we can't all sit by and let it happen any more. - good for you, stan. nice somebody in this school has some balls. - i have balls. - yeah, little squishy boba tea balls. - still balls. - look, butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? you said your grandma's visiting this week. why don't you try talking to her? - my grandma? - well, so then your cousin elbert, linda, actually has two girls now! one is three and the other is about little butters' age, i think. - well, speak of the devil! - butters, what happened to your eye? - gramma, could i talk to you for a second? - well, sure, you come and sit right here next to grammie. - could i maybe talk to grammie alone? - well, sure, i guess. we'll go make some tea. - oh, some tea would be lovely. what's up? huh? you think you're tough, huh? - i just don't want you to pick on me no more, gramma. - think you're [bleep] tough, huh?

you don't look [bleep] tough. - i-i don't think i'm tough, gramma. - no, you're a little faggot. you got any more money? huh? - no, you took it all! - why don't you do something about it? do somethin', ya little bitch. you're grandma's bitch. - here we go! - oh, there's the tea! tea for me. how lucky! - and your favorite lemon bars! - goodness, what a treat this is! - mr. mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happening all over the country. bullying has become an epidemic, i'm afraid, and we at bully buckers-- trademark-- are trying to stamp it out. what is your school's policy on bullying? - oh, well, we think that bullyin' is--it's bad, mkay, and, uh, when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know...that... that's bad... mkay. - uh-huh. well, one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse. - who said?

- he didn't want that disclosed. - oh, he's a little anonymous andy? - we would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon. - mkay, but, uh, today's actually bad. uh, i already have an assembly today on positive thinking. - you believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? what's wrong with you? - well, i mean, they kind of work toge-- - no, shut up! what kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign? bullying needs to be stopped. now. this afternoon. - well, uh, just-- we nee-- - wuh-u-huh! you may only have an internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed, backwoods little dork, "mkay"? - [sniffles] attention, students... [sniffles] today, we will have an... assembly... on the subject of bullying. [sniffles] mkay? the assembly is mandatory, mkay?

so you better show up. mkay? [school bell rings] - butters, your grandma is looking for you. - my grandma? - she said to meet her outside behind the school. - oh, hamburgers! [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ - hey, twerp. you went and narced on me. - agh! oh, h--hi, gramma. - i heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor. [lock clicks] thought i wouldn't find out, you little narc? - i didn't narc, gramma! it wasn't me! - oh, look, what's this over here? oh, it's a narc puck. this is what narcs have to put in their mouths. aw, it's got piss all over it. - no, grammy, knock it off! no, stop it! - put it in your mouth! put it in your [bleep] mouth. [knock on door] [knob rattles] oh, hello! - oh, sorry, this door isn't supposed to be locked. - i'm sorry. i needed the restroom, and my grandson brought me to this one. isn't that right, butters?

- yes. - butters, you goofball. i'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am. - oh, thank you so much! you narc again, and you're [bleep] dead! [bleep] dead, you got it? - this way. - oop. coming! - what makes a bully? the truth is, there are more bullies at your school than you even think. and the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. come on out, lorraine. i asked your schoolmate lorraine here to help me out. are you bullied in the school, lorraine? - yes. - kids pick on you? call you names? - sometimes. - what kinds of things do they say to you? - ugly. n-nerd. - do they say, "nice pants, why do you wear them up to your tits"? - no. - bullying affects everyone. and only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped.

go, go. get outta here. now, what we at bucky bailey's bully buckers--trademark-- like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. so who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video? we just need one student to be the leader of our anti-bullying campaign. what, are you all chicken? [mimics chicken clucking] nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video? [mimics chicken clucking] wahhh! wahhh! [mimics chicken clucking] - i'll do it. i'll be in charge. - ooh! you're a big man? you wanna show what a big man you are? - no, i just--i think bullying has gotten out of hand and it needs to be stopped. - good for you, stan. - he's cool. [applause] [dramatic music] ♪ ♪ - you wanna know who i hate? i hate that kid butters. he's a dork.

- yeah, let's go p-p-pick on him. yeah! - hey, guys! guys! don't pick on butters! that's not cool! you can't do that! bullying? did you know that in america... [laughs] over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying? at south park elementary, we're better than that. come on, let's all put an end to bullying. right now! five, six, seven, eight! ♪ bullying isn't cool ♪ ♪ bullying is lame ♪ ♪ bullying is ugly ♪ ♪ and has a stupid name ♪ ♪ for a healthy world ♪ ♪ bullying's unfit ♪ ♪ and i think i know what we should do to it ♪ ♪ do do do do do to it ♪ ♪ let's all get together ♪ ♪ and make bullying kill itself ♪ ♪ bullying's an ugly thing ♪ ♪ let's shove its face in the dirt ♪ ♪ and make bullying kill itself ♪ ♪ whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ - ♪ boy, you like my body ♪ ♪ set the mood, let's play ♪

♪ you can touch me anywhere ♪ ♪ except for my va-jay-jay ♪ - ♪ we can make it stop ♪ ♪ we can stomp it out ♪ ♪ we can beat its ass ♪ ♪ until it starts to cry ♪ ♪ let's gang up on it ♪ ♪ and tell it it smells ♪ ♪ and beat its ass worse if it ever tells ♪ ♪ if if if it ever tells ♪ ♪ let's all join together ♪ ♪ to try and make bullying kill itself ♪ ♪ it'll be fun to see just how bad ♪ ♪ we can make it feel ♪ ♪ make bullying kill itself ♪ ♪ whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ - ♪ my heart says yes ♪ ♪ but my va-jay-jay says no ♪ ♪ ♪ - ♪ trapped inside the darkness of my mind ♪ ♪ i try to break free but words are so unkind ♪ - stupid! - ugly! - pansy. - dork! - can i--can i not do this please? [music stops] i don't wanna do this. - aw, butters, you ruined it!

this is all one big long shot and you ruined it! - but this is just gonna make things worse for me. - butters, you're the star of the video! - he doesn't want to do it, dude. - well, come on, you just wanna be bullied your whole life, butters? - pshh! - kyle? kyle. dude! where are you going? - why are you doing this, stan? - to stop bullying! - you're gonna stop bullying? - yes! - with cartman singing about his vagina? - it's about awareness, dude. don't you understand how important this is? bullying? do you realize that in america, uh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because they-- - don't--don't act for me, stan. really. because every minute, i'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you. - kyle, i'm trying to make a difference. - okay, just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in san diego. - what the hell does that mean?

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- oh, heavens to betsy, linda! this is such a yummy, yummy ham. i just love your cooking. - [yelps] - our linda certainly does know her way around a pork. - [grunts] - what's the matter, butters? - nothin', dad. just a little gassy. [groans] - oh, well, don't fart on grandma. she's trying to enjoy her ham. - okay, dad, i wo--aah! [grunts] [doorbell rings] - i'll get it. - linda, is that a new clock on the wall? - oh, yes. stephen and i got that last month. it's from germany, i believe. i just love the cute little canary on the dial. and every hour, it chimes. - your friends wanted to see you, butters. - dude, butters! we have awesome news! a hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video! - oh, an anti-bullying video?

how adorable. - [yelps] - yeah, and butters is the star! the movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters. - hyaaaa! - i know, right? [boys cheer] [cheers and applause] - wassup? - oh, hey. [lock clicks] - you went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know. - huh? - doing a video was my idea. it's the property of bucky bailey's bully buckers-- trademark-- you got that? - but i worked hard on that! it's been really stressful and i-- - oh, it's been "stwessful?" what's wrong with you? kids are getting bullied at school, and with this money, bucky bailey's bully buckers-- trademark-- can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! you greedy, selfish little prick! oh, what, you gonna "cwy?" - no. - no, go ahead, "cwy." lemme see you. lemme see you "cwy." - [crying]

- you don't have a choice, butters. you have to defend yourself. oh, but violence is never the answer. but she's gonna kill you, butters, you know she is. you're right, butters! i don't have a choice! sorry, gramma, but you brought this on yourself. it's time you met chaos. i've been pushed around for the last time! now i'm comin', and heck's comin' with me! - oh, look, it's captain pussy. you can't stop me, captain pussy. don't even try. - gramma. but how d-- - i got inspired when i came across your gay little costume in your closet. now, come on, captain pussy! time for you to get your gummy bears! - no. gramma, please. n-not gummy bears. - come here!

- aah! gramma! - stand up for yourself! fight back! be a [bleep] man! - i can't! - then it looks like you get gummy bears! [garbled] gummy bears! - aah! eww! - wassup? i'm mick jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video. [lock clicks] - oh, what, stan marsh got you to come talk to me? that little cliche conflict resolution kevin! - the video was conceived, written, and directed by the south park student body, you got that? - it was my idea! i told the students to make the video, and i produced the entire thing! i deserve to have my name on it! - yeah, only problem is, america doesn't give a shit about an old fart with a captain kangaroo haircut. they want to believe kids did something on their own. here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. if you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have. - but this was gonna be the thing

that finally made bully buckers--trademark-- a national organization. - oh, you gonna "cwy?" oh, don't "cwy." it'll "wook" bad "wif" your "wittle" captain "kangawoo" haircut. [lock clicks] - [crying] - 'kay, cool, hold it right there. cool. - excuse me, what are you doing to my locker? - we're putting up movie posters, kyle. the premiere is tomorrow, but since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come. [blows raspberry] - i don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere! and don't tape that to my locker! oh, god. [lock clicks] - what's up, kyle? why are you trying to trash talk our theatrical release? - do you really think that this is good for butters? to have his face put all over signs as the poster child for bullying? - butters is totally fine with it, dude! - yeah, well, butters is ten. he doesn't exactly know what's best for him, and neither do you. - all right, kyle, that's enough. i'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay? - what? you were waiting for me in the bathroom! - oh, yeah. - look, this is all getting way too big.

tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them. - this video can change how people think about bullying! it needs to be seen by everybody, kyle! - if it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it out on the internet for free? well? - wh-what was the question again? - if you really think every kid in america should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the internet for free? - get outta here, kyle. i'm trying to go to the bathroom. - fine! but when you're naked and jackin' it in san diego, don't ask me for help! - why does he keep saying that?

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[upbeat music] - we all know that bullying has become an epidemic. like aids, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. but now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to "make bullying kill itself." i'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. stan, congratulations on all your success. - well, i just got tired of seeing people like butters getting pushed around, and i knew i had to do something about it. [applause] - and how about you? what would you like to say to your bully out there? - oh, uh, nothing. - come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. what do you want to say to bullies all across america? go ahead. right now. say it. - uh, stop... stop trying to make me say things i don't want to on your tv show. - do you hear that, bullies? stop making kids say things on your tv shows. [applause] - what else do you want to say, butters? - please, leave me alone! - leave him alone! but that doesn't work, does it, butters? - no, it doesn't! - tell us in graphic detail what the bully does to you.

- stop it! - come on, this is for america! do you realize that in america... [laughs] over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying? don't you care? you better care! - [screams] - [screams, grunts] [both screaming and grunting] - what the hell were you thinking? everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath! - i didn't know! - this could kill our box office! people are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts! - i didn't beat up dr. oz. don't be mad at me! - it's your [bleep] movie! now i'm gonna have to work overtime with marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim. jesus, just get the [bleep] outta here. i gotta go to the bathroom. uh-oh. - my child, have you ever heard of a place called hell? [lock clicks] it's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad. - uh...

- oh, what are you gonna do? "cwy" now? - gramma? i did it, gramma. i finally stood up for myself. i got real mean and i beat the snot outta dr. oz. i can't lie. it felt kinda good...at first. but since then, all i have is this kind of dark empty feeling. and then i realized, that's how you must feel all the time. poor ol' gramma. you know, i been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. stand up to you, tell on you, but i kinda realize there's just people like you out there. all over the place. when you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. but they're not. life changes. you won't always be around. someday you're gonna die. someday pretty soon. and when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose and that little pan under your butt to pee in,

i'll come visit ya. i'll come just to show you that--that i'm still alive and i'm still happy. and you'll die, bein' nothin' but you. night, gramma. [booing] - huh? aw, come on! dude, what's going on? - you didn't hear? now that america knows butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bullcrap bullying video. - what? what's the movie studio saying about it? - the studio backed out! the producer had a change of heart. boo! - you made us look like uncaring idiots! - yeah! boo! - how was i supposed to know butters was actually a violent psychopath? - boo! - everyone loved me 16 hours ago. - stan? stan, mkay, abc called, and dr. oz is suing you and our entire school. what are you gonna do? - [sighs] i guess there's only one thing left for me to do. [upbeat music] - ♪ bah ba dah ba nah nah ♪

♪ bah ba dah bah ♪ ♪ bah ba dah ba nah nah ♪ ♪ bah ba dum bum ♪ - ♪ i'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines ♪ - ♪ he's gonna jack it ♪ - ♪ been spreadin' the word ♪ ♪ and now i need ease my mind ♪ - ♪ jackin' it ho ♪ - ♪ been plantin' them apple seeds ♪ ♪ and while the apples grow ♪ ♪ i'm gonna go out jackin' it in ♪ ♪ san diego ♪ - ♪ jackin' it, jackin' it ♪ ♪ jackity jack ♪ ♪ spankin' it, jackin' it ♪ ♪ spankity smack ♪ - ♪ i don't need no shirt ♪ ♪ no, gonna take dem pants right off ♪ - ♪ he's about to jack it ♪ - ♪ on such a bright day ♪ ♪ who needs underwear or socks? ♪ - ♪ jackin' it ho ♪ - ♪ been around god's country ♪ ♪ and there's one thing i know ♪ ♪ there's no better place for jackin' it than ♪ ♪ san diego ♪ - ♪ jack it, jack it, jackity jack ♪ ♪ spankin' it, spankin' it, smackity smack ♪ ♪ jackin' it, jackin' it, jackity jack ♪ - ♪ jackin' for the lord! ♪ [whistling song's melody] - come to san diego. there's so much to see. from the sparkling waters of mission bay to the warm tortillas of old town.