ltle kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and i don't know what else to say but, so long, sarcastaball, it was nice knowing you. let's just hope nothing like this ever happens again. probably won't, not for another year. check that, a couple days. - [gasps] dad! hey, dad! - what? - my wiener is all stiff and pointy! - oh, well, butters, that's just the friendly compass. see, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. it's pointing up, because jesus is your friend. - thanks, dad. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> michael: yes! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta! we've got so much to talk about tonight. the olympics has big dick energy, conservatives are finally interested in women's sports, and rfk jr. just lost his endorsement from smokey bear. let's get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the olympics, a gathering of the world's greatest athletes, and also some people who own horses. now i've been super interested in these olympics, mostly because i bet my daughter's college tuition on mixed doubles badminton. but it's fine, she's not really an academic kid, to be honest. so far, it's been incredible -- no, not the badminton. that's a stupid sport. but the real sports, like the men's 100 meter finals on sunday, where american

noah lyles got the gold medal by five-thousandths of a second. [cheers and applause] do you realize how little time that is? that's five-thousandths of a second. i just said it. pay attention! this was the closest finish in over 40 years. and i don't want to take anything away from noah lyles, but isn't this... a tie? i mean, what do we even have ties for if we're not going to pull it out for stuff like this? in fact, if you're just watching this with your eyes, all these guys finished at the same time. if these guys were trains, no one would say, "my train was late." another olympic moment getting a lot of attention is the olympic pole vaulter who knocked the bar over with his large penis. now, if you haven't heard about this story, do not google "penis olympics." that will take you to the wrong website. what can i say? i like to do my own research. but you also don't really need to google it, because that's the

whole story. a pole vaulter lost when his giant schlong got caught on the crossbar. and according to the rules of pole vaulting, you're allowed to touch the crossbar, but you're not allowed to [bleep] it. so he lost. but this has got to be the best possible way to lose. "yeah, i would've won, if it weren't for this damned massive hog i have." in fact, this is the only event where the guy who won probably felt bad. like, "hey, my dick is good, too!" i will say, next olympics, this guy should compete in the 100 meters. he'd win from 10 feet back. [cheers and applause] oh, everyone loves a good pole vaulting dick joke.

but look, to this athlete: i know this is tough but i'll say to you what i say to the little league team i coach: it's not whether you win or lose. it's how gigantic everyone knows your penis is. but the biggest story so far is about algerian boxer imane khelif, who's been doing a great job in the women's boxing tournament. some people would say, too good. >> some critics questioning whether khelif should have been allowed to compete in that ring at all, and claiming that khalife is a man or transgender, something ioc officials have emphatically denied. >> the algerian boxer was born female, was registered female, lived her life as a female, boxed as a female, has a female passport. this is not a transgender case. >> michael: seems pretty open and shut to me. she was born a woman, lives as a woman, and boxes other women. so what is the argument against that? >> this is such an outrage. look at this. this is a man. this is a man who is competing in the boxing tournament for women. >> michael: no, she's not.

she's a woman. she's a woman like you, megyn kelly. a woman at the peak of her career, unlike megyn kelly. [cheers and applause] she still is a woman. >> you can easily say, listen, you can only fight and compete in the gender in which you were born. those are just the rules. end of story. end it. >> michael: okay, but those rules would still let her box with women, because, again, she is a woman. she's fought as a woman her whole life. she's even lost to other female boxers nine times! what more proof do you want? does fox news need the ghost of roger ailes to sexually harass her first? she's a woman. >> if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, and punches like a duck, i think it's a duck. >> michael: well, look, so she's not a duck. she's a woman. you're not making me question whether i know what a woman is, you're making me question

whether you know what a duck is. [cheers and applause] because, again, this female boxer is female. can we stop this before america turns it into a presidential campaign issue? >> the far left wants to allow biological males to beat the living crap out of women in boxing. >> michael: is that really what this race is going to be about? j.d. vance is going to be out on the campaign trail like, "you know, when i was growing up in the holler, the one thing we cared about was international women's boxing regulations." by the way, if conservatives are so concerned with women's safety, maybe consider caring about it outside of sports? [cheers and applause] there are women in america who are like, "help me, i'm having an ectopic pregnancy," and conservatives are like, "shut up! we're trying to protect women over here." look, i'm sorry this elite athlete does not look like the way you think a woman should look, but a woman is allowed to be

dominating and powerful at a sport without you questioning her gender. because, don't forget, these guys -- [cheers and applause] don't forget, these guys dragged her, and algerian female boxer, into their american conservative culture war. and if they are going to use her as a metaphorical punching bag, the least they can do is step into the ring and let her use them as a literal punching bag. [cheers and applause] let's move on to the presidential race. kamala harris is set to announce her running mate at any moment, and to balance out the ticket, it'll most likely be a white guy like josh shapiro, tim walz, or the pole vaulter dude with the penis. let's put that beast to use breaking the glass ceiling! [laughter] you guys love a pole-vault dick joke. meanwhile, donald trump has backed out of the september debate he had previously agreed, and is now saying he'll only debate kamala if it's in a packed arena moderated by fox news.

also, at any point in the debate, he gets to call the cops on her for loitering. also, it's not a debate, it's golf. but look, i'm actually sympathetic to trump. don't forget, he agreed to this debate against joe biden. if i agreed to wrestle an old man, and at the last second, he taps in a younger opponent whose knees actually work, i might also object. but look, wrangling over a debate, choosing a vp candidate, these are normal campaign stories. and since this race has already been so crazy, with trump getting shot and biden dropping out, and j.d. vance being... j.d. vance, i'm just glad that we finally have a normal presidential race, with normal presidential stories. right? >> breaking overnight, rfk jr. confesses to leaving a dead bear cub in central park. why? he said he did not have the time to skin and eat it. >> michael: what?

i don't know what's worse, that rfk jr. dumped a dead bear cub in central park, or that he said he only did it because he didn't have time to eat it. let me just back up here. this happened back in 2014, and i remember when they found that dead bear. because you find dead bodies in central park all the time, but they're usually tourists, so nobody cares. [laughter] but a bear? now that's memorable. >> a decade ago, a central park mystery baffled new yorkers, captured headlines across the country. >> police now want to know how the bear died and how it got into the park. >> now we know. robert f. kennedy jr., the independent presidential candidate, says he brought the dead bear to central park. in the videotaped confession, kennedy recounts the strange tale to controversial comedian roseanne barr. >> michael: i'm sorry, he's admitting this to roseanne barr in a kitchen over a plate of

flinstone's ribs? i mean, what is happening? does he think it will sound more normal if he's telling it to a crazy person? but you know what, let's not judge him too fast. let's hear him tell rosanne barr how he ended up dumping a dead bear cub in central park. >> i was taking a group of people falconing up in goshen, new york, up in the hudson valley. >> michael: great start. "i was out falconing with my friends." so far, very relatable story. >> and then a woman in a van in front of me hit a bear and killed it, a young bear. so i pulled over and i picked up the bear, and put him in the back of my van, because i was going to skin the bear, and it was very good condition. and i was going to put the meat in my refrigerator. and you can do that in new york state. you can get a bear tag, uh, for a roadkill bear. >> michael: oh, yeah.

you saw paddington get t-boned, and your first thought was, "pause the falconing, we got to get that bear in this car to skin and eat it, which, for some reason, i know is legal in this state." that tracks. that tracks. sorry, keep going. >> we had a really good day and we went late. we were catching a lot of game, and instead of going back to my home in westchester, i had to go right to the city cause there was a dinner at peter luger's steakhouse. >> michael: [laughs] yeah, right, so let's just do a quick recap: he already spent all day hunting game with falcons, he's on his way to eat a steak, which is a dead cow, but on the way, he had to stop and pick up a dead bear. and this is the environmental candidate? [applause] oh, and by the way, peter luger's steakhouse, it's a fancy steakhouse. it's not a place where people pull up to the valet with bear cubs hanging out of the

backseat. "hey, here's the keys. don't steal the rotting bear, i'm going to eat that!" >> and at the end of the dinner, it went late, and i realized i couldn't go home. i had to go to the airport. and the bear was in my car and i didn't want to leave the bear in the car, um, 'cause that would've been bad. >> michael: right. i mean, you wouldn't want your car to smell like rotting bear. then people might think you're a sociopath! that still doesn't explain why he dumped it in central park. >> there'd been a series of bicycle accidents in new york. they had just put in the bike lanes. and some people, a couple of people had gotten killed. and it was every day. and people had gotten badly injured. every day, it was in the press. and i said, i had an old bike in my car that somebody had asked me to get rid of. and i said, let's go put the bear in central park, and we'll make it look like he got hit by a bike. [laughter] it'll be funny for people. >> michael: oh, ha, ha, ha. i get it. you were making a joke about all

the people being killed by bicycles. ha, ha, ha. rosanne gets it, don't you, rosanne? can you imagine how weird you have to be for rosanne to look at you like you're crazy? honestly, i feel bad for her. she probably thought she was doing a cameo on "the bear." none of this story makes sense. if he was late to the airport, you don't drive into the heart of manhattan to dump a dead bear. you dump it into the east river. or you just bring it on the airplane! you call it your emotional support bear carcass, they'll let it on! look, i will say this: i am one of those people who hates the two party system, but if this is the candidate of the third party, i say, screw it. let's just have a king. for more on this extremely strange story, let's go out to rfk headquarters with desi lydic. [cheers and applause]

desi. desi, this is a really disturbing story rfk told. >> actually, kosta, the campaign is feeling quite confident about how rfk handled this potential p.r. crisis. it's like he saw the story by the side of the road and said, "i can make a meal out of this." >> michael: so rfk thinks that filming that video with rosanne barr was a good thing? >> oh, absolutely. by telling the story to a comedian, he transformed it from "disturbing story" to "funny anecdote." and word is, he's sticking with that strategy going forward. in fact, i'm hearing that he just confessed that he was the diarrhea guy who did diarrhea on that diarrhea plane. >> michael: wait, that plane last year that landed because a guy had diarrhea all over the aisle? rfk was that guy? >> that's right. that's right. he just sat down in rob schneider's garage to tell him the story. see, he was falconing along the hudson when he found a bunch of loose deli meats by the river.

he was going to throw it out, but he was running late, so he just ate all of it, jumped on the plane, and the rest is history. a lot of people would be embarrassed, but rfk is putting it all out there, just like he did on that plane. >> michael: you know, this is a lot for the american people to process, right after the bear thing. >> i know. just wait until they hear about how he caused the bp oil spill in 2010. >> michael: deepwater horizon? he caused that? >> calm down. he just finished explaining it in adam carolla's gazebo. it's a funny story! see, what happened was, rfk was flamingo-ing upstate. then he came across a lion giving birth. he wanted to collect the placenta in mason jars, for smoothies, but he had a train to catch in six and a half minutes, so -- >> michael: desi, what are you even talking about? these aren't cute, charming stories. they're bizarre and creepy!

>> oh, well, you are not going to like the twitch livestream he did from carrot top's tomato garden. >> michael: oh, my god, what did he even talk about? >> oh, this is a real fun one. see, what happened was, rfk was swan-tipping upstate. he worked up quite the appetite. because those swans don't go down without a fight. so he scoured the local highways for food, but sadly, nothing adorable had been hit by a car. then he realized he was already on a flight to wuhan, where he then went to a wet market with no shoes on. >> michael: desi, are you telling me rfk started the covid pandemic by going barefoot in a wet market? >> well, when you put it that way, it's much less funny. you're no roseanne. >> michael: desi lydic, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll talk to roxane gay. don't go anywhere. [cheers and applause] is that true? [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a best-selling author, publisher, and a professor whose new e-book is called "stand your ground: a black feminist reckoning with america's gun problem." please welcome roxane gay! [cheers and applause] wow, all right. [cheers and applause] what made you want to write this piece about guns? >> a lot of different things, but my brother was a big gun owner, very enthusiastic about guns, which was weird, because nobody in my family cares about guns and we were like, where did this come from? >> michael: yeah. >> and he kept trying to get my other brother and i to buy a gun

and we are like, no, we are good. finally, he broke us all down and so i got my first gun, and one of the things i noticed at the gun store and at the gun range was that there were a lot of people of color and black women in particular. and so i thought, why are black women buying guns? other than the obvious. [laughter] >> michael: well, why are black women buying guns? >> black woman, i think, are buying guns simply because we often recognize if we don't protect ourselves, no one else will. a lot of times it's that we don't trust that the police will come to our homes and protect us and in fact, sonya massey's murder recently bears that out among many others. and so i think it is not a form of empowerment, which is i think is overused and cheesy, but it is a form of protection and recognizing that sometimes you have to take your own defense in your own hands. >> michael: there is something beautiful about a bunch of white male forefathers 260 years ago not envisioning black and brown people at the shooting range. >> i know.

>> michael: was it beautiful? was that -- >> i mean, i think there was a lot to be said about the founders and their lack of vision. i mean, people always talk about -- [laughter] how much vision they have. >> michael: you mention it in the essay, that the second amendment wasn't written for black people. >> it wasn't written for black people, it wasn't written for women. they saw us as only three fifths of a person so i guess we could only use three fifths of a musket. but now, you know, if the second amendment applies to white men, it applies to all of us. [applause] >> michael: what did you learn that maybe you weren't expecting about america's gun epidemic in this process? >> i learned so much. and i think everyone -- i mean, we read the statistics every single time there is a horrific crime and nothing ever changes. but there are more guns than people in this country. >> michael: nuts. >> which cannot possibly be the case, but yet it is. and only about 35% of americans

own guns, which is to say that the people who own guns, really, really love their guns. and they own a whole lot of them. and that really surprised me, because when you listen to the nra and other lobbyists talk about gun ownership, they really make it seem like everyone is walking around with a gun in their purse or in the back of their jeans and that is not the case. nor should it be. and yet, that is what we hear, that so many people own guns. no, it is a choice that some people make, and yet those people get a disproportionate amount of our cultural attention. >> michael: you wrote that black gun ownership is definitely a political act. white gun ownership is generally taken as an inalienable right. explain that to me. >> absolutely. we tend to look at the bill of rights -- i almost said the ten commandments. [laughs] >> michael: eh. they are getting closer and closer. >> we treat those bill of rights as it inalienable, but the further you get from a white,

heterosexual, cisgender man, the more you have to fight for those rights, and the more you are considered sort of an anomaly when you choose to avail yourself of those rights. and i'm not the kind of person who is going to wrap myself in the second amendment. i think that no one should be able to own a gun, and if they want to come take it, like, feel free. >> michael: [laughs] >> that said, as long as the right is there, i think there are many black gun owners who say, why not? and some people are shooting enthusiasts. some people are concerned with self-defense and home protection. and there is room for all of that. we contain multitudes. >> michael: i love in your essay, you reminded all of us that the second amendment is 27 words. >> it is. it is shocking given how often people talk about it. >> michael: it is kind of like, hey, guys, you need a little more clarity. >> you would think. can we be a little more specific? also, in 1787, when they were writing those 27 words, a musket took a long time to load. and it only shot one bullet at a time. i don't think that the founding

fathers could have begun to imagine what that gun would become. and the fact that we decided collectively that we were okay with not regulating weapons of mass destruction is something that astonishes me every single day. >> michael: kamala harris. how are you feeling? >> i am feeling great. [cheers and applause] >> michael: as a black woman, as a feminist, as a gun owner -- i don't know if that pertains -- >> it actually doesn't pertain at all. >> michael: doesn't pertain, okay. >> however, i think that -- i wasn't really advocating for biden to step down, but i was excited when he did. i think that vice president harris is going to be a very interesting president. i think we have an opportunity. for so long, we've been told, we have to wait until 2025, 2032, 2040, who knows, for real political change. and even in the run-up to harris

becoming the nominee, people were saying that she's not a viable candidate. like, what about gavin newsom, what about gretchen whitmer? and so i think it is a real interesting moment to consider, who is kamala harris and what kind of president would she be? but i am encouraged. i think she is going to do the job extremely well. i don't think that she is going to make everyone happy but i don't think that is possible for a president. and look at the alternative. >> michael: [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you for talking with us. >> thank you. >> michael: the original e-book and audiobook, "stand your ground", is available only on ever-and. roxane gay. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you for sharing the story. [cheers and applause]

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at harbor freight. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, this election season, we are working with headcount to make sure you and your friends are good to vote. did you know that your friends are much more likely to vote when the ask comes from you? so if you get three friends to make sure they're ready to vote, you could be entered to win a trip to new york city for a backstage experience on the set of "the daily show." take action now by texting "tds" to 57568 or by going to the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> this one is so smart, so sharp, she grabbed me, she gave me a kiss. i said, i think i'm never going back home to the first lady. >> you are supposed to get that

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- you find a good catcher's mitt, cartman? - dude, how come when we play baseball i always have to be the catcher? - well, because you've got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're [bleep] fat. - i'm not fat, kyle. - right, you're not fat. - dude, i'm not fat. i don't drive around on a mobility scooter like that bitch. - whoa, dude. - jesus christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to buy your candy? - excuse me. excuse me. - see what i mean? you can't even walk around a wallmart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a rascal! - why do they even allow those things in stores? - they don't just allow them. they have them available at the front.