and i didn't miss him with all six bullets, -that's for sure. -what are we gonna do about meg? she's upstairs having very loud sex with her imaginary boyfriend. [meg] ♪ suddenly seymour ♪ [♪ news intro music playing] maybe this has something to do with that. the fda has issued a recall on four brands of mustard due to possible e. coli contamination. so far, there have been three confirmed cases here in rhode island. symptoms of infection include fever, diarrhea, and delusions of having a criminal boyfriend. wow. that family guy simulation was really freaky. it's like i was in the episode. i'll say. do you want to do a bob's burgers? dude, lead with that next time. >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central, it's america's only source for news! this is "the daily show," with your host, ronny chieng! [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> ronny: hey! welcome to the emmy award-winning daily show. i'm emmy award winner ronny chieng, please address me as such. we've got so much to talk about tonight, donald trump at a very busy weekend. republicans want you to tone your rhetoric down, you bas bastards, and rfk jr. is still doing rfk jr. things. so let's get into the headlines. ever since joe biden dropped out for being old as shit, lots of people have been saying what about donald trump? he's also an old man. but trump has energy. look at how much he got done this weekend. he held a rally, he started a crypto company you definitely should put all your money into, and he got in nine holes of

golf. well, five holes, there was a bit of an interruption. >> tonight, the chilling new details and the apparent second assassination attempt on donald trump. >> ronny: again? will you people stop trying to assassinate donald trump? not only is it morally wrong, but you're also just giving him more things to brag about. "they only tried to kill abraham lincoln ones, that makes me twice as great as him." yes, this weekend a crazy person tried to hunt donald trump in his natural habitat, his golf course. >> investigators say a secret service agent monitoring the woods ahead of mr. trump as he played golf on sunday saw a rifle barrel through a tree line and opened fire. >> the subject, who did not have line of sight to the former president, fled the scene. he did not fire or get off any shots at our agents. because cell phone records show he had been in place at the edge of the golf course nearly 12 hours. >> ronny: disk i managed to walk into trump's golf course and stay there undetected for 12

hours. okay, and i don't know if you've thought about this, trump, but maybe you should consider building... like a wall? i don't know if -- just think about it. [applause] by the way, have you noticed that the news reports are all like "a harrowing near tragedy sending chills through the nation," and meanwhile, everyone you actually know is like "oh, yeah, i saw that, yeah." i mean, we have to act like it's a big deal but it doesn't really have the same impact of the first one. it's kind of like "black panthe. you are like "yeah, i guess lcf." now the secret service is getting a lot of heat for letting the guy get this far, but don't worry, they are taking action. >> is part of that increased focus on security, the palm beach county sheriff now says that mar-a-lago, behind me, has the highest security level possible, equivalent to when donald trump was president. >> ronny: that's right, the highest security level possible. it goes security, maximum

security, and then "home alone" level. paint cans on the stairs, scary movies playing really loud, a cardboard cutout of trump in the windows moving back and forth and if things get really bad, trump's scary old friend will show up and protect him. now, the motive of the assassin remains unclear, so we will have to look at who might have a reason to be angry at donald trump. >> on sunday, three hours before the attempt on his life, trump blared "i hate taylor swift" on truth social, reacting to her bombshell endorsement of kamala harris. >> ronny: donald tweeting "i hate taylor swift?" that's dangerous. i would rather buy one of those has bullock pagers and tweet "i hate taylor swift." i think trump needs to stick to racism, if less divisive. but the assassin this week and was probably not a swiftie. he doesn't fit the m.o. they are nonviolent. they preferred to cyberbully you until you kill yourself. so why did this get comfort

from? according to j.d. vance, trump's vp and the worst thing to happen to cat ladies since feline aids, democrats made him do it. >> the left needs to tone down the rhetoric and needs to cut this out. we cannot tell the american people that one candidate is a fascist, and if he's elected it's going to be the end of american democracy. >> ronny: yeah, liberals! stop accurately describing tr trump! you're putting him in danger when you repeat the things he says verbatim. but j.d. vance has a point. the left needs to stop calling its political opponents fascists. you don't see donald trump doing that all the time. >> she's a marxist, she's a fascist. she's a marxist, communist, fascist, socialist. we have a fascist person running. there is a radical left marxist, communist, fascist. she's a marxist, communist, fascist...

person. [laughter] >> ronny: that last one it felt like he ran out of words that end in "-ist." she's a marxist, fascist,... dermatologist. he's called her fascist so much i'm not sure he knows her name. it's like when you say to a coworker, "hey, yeah, good to see you, my fascist buddy." don't forget the rules of slurs. you can use the word if you are one. that's why i can call someone else ronny, but you can't call me ronny. whether or not you think the rhetoric should be toned down, it's just not something that trump and vance actually believe in. for the past week the city of springfield has been overrun with bomb threats after trump and vance claims that haitian immigrants are eating everyone's cats and dogs, which there is no evidence of. people love posting photos of their food, so we would have seen it by now. but when trump was asked about those bomb threats, he didn't seem too concerned.

>> do you denounce the bomb threats in springfield, ohio? >> i don't know what happened with the bomb threats. i know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants. >> ronny: yeah, the guy who wants everyone to believe he's super concerned about political violence can't even bring himself to say he's against bomb threats. i mean, what more information are you waiting for? it's a bomb threat. do you need to know who the bomb is going to vote for? i can't believe this guy is saying there are very fine bomb threats on both sides. this isn't a trick question. this is a layup for politicians. it's like "do you support the troops" or "do you like taylor swift?" just say yes! it's a layup. if so will any of the heated rhetoric in this country change? probably not. but there was at least one moment over the weekend that offered a glimmer of hope. >> president biden tonight spoke on the phone tonight with trump, the white house describes the conversation as cordial, with biden sharing his belief that

the former president is safe and trump thanking biden for the call. >> ronny: oh, yeah, joe biden! i forgot about that guy! [laughter] that's right, he's the president! it's nice when two 80-year-old man can speak to each other on the last piece of technology they can truly understand. and i know what you're thinking: it would be great if we knew exactly what they talked about on that call. well, luckily, we at "the daily show" got our hands on the very real audio recording. >> hello? >> it's me, president joe... >> biden? >> that's it. my name is joe brandon. i'm just glad you're safe, make sure mar-a-lago completely secure. >> thank you, joe, and let me just say, please come back. please, joe, this race is no fun without you. everyone is shooting at me, this black lady keeps laughing at me in the debates. we had good times together,

didn't we? >> of course we did. running against you gave my life purpose. nowadays, no one pays attention to me. just yesterday i fell down a flight of stairs, jill just walked over me. >> then tell everyone you are back in the race. you can call me a threat to democracy, i will call you a demented head of an international crime family, it will be like old times. >> don't you think i want to? posting on my door -- posted outside my door with a baseball bat. sorry, i've got to go. >> i've got to go too, j.d. vance just called women "walking embryo bags." i got to deal with that. >> wait, donnie, run away with me. 5:00, we will drive to a small latino country and run for president there. >> oh my god, is this really happening? were you serious, joe? >> i'm serious as --

>> you son of a bitch, you've made me the happiest man alive. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: i'm so happy for them. when we come back we will talk about the latest rfk scandal involving the corpse of an animal. don't go away. [applause] [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." the 2024 race has been going on for about 60 years now, and for me the worst part was having to hear about rfk jr. and all the weird things he does with animals. i mean, we had to learn how he grills goat skeletons and how he picks up dead bears and dumps them in central park, and how his head is a cemetery for brain eating worms. but last month he dropped out of the race, and think to do, because now i don't listen to anymore visit weird animals shit. of. >> robert f. kennedy jr. is now under federal investigation for allegedly decapitating a dead whale and taking the head home. >> ronny: what is going on with this dude! is there any animal on earth he won't mutilate? keep that creep the hell away from moo deng!

now he's under federal investigation for whale beheading. it's only questions. for instance, how do you know where the head starts? where does the tie go? does it go up here or is it like down after the finns? the whole animal is a head. and also, i didn't even know the government had an agency for whale crimes. they must've been so happy to get this case. i bet that morning there were like "guys, i think we are going to have to shut down. that's just not enough whale crimes to justify our budget, so you're all fired in three, two, one... wait, hang on, the phone is ringing! yes, yes, we can be right there, okay, we might have to rearrange our schedule, but just wait for us." and by the way, if you are wondering how he brought the whale head home, it's as gross as you think. >> the longtime conservationist allegedly sawed the head off a dead whale back in 1994 after it washed up on a massachusetts beach. kennedy reportedly cut off the

whale's head and then bungee corded it to the roof of the minivan before driving it across state lines to bring it back to his new york home so he could study the skull. rfk's daughter, kick kennedy, originally shared the fishy anecdote more than a decade ago. >> she said every time they accelerated "whale juice poured into the windows." >> ronny: how can you be in the same family as ted kennedy and still have the worst driving story in the family? [laughter] rfk jr. keeps saying vaccines cause health problems, maybe you think it's from inhaling car exhaust for eight hours? my big question is, what the hell did rfk do with the whale's head? >> he sold the great head to me! [cheers and applause] the one who said that? who said that? >> it is i! a hearty whaler who scours the

wind dark seas for its blubbery beasts. >> ronny: hold on, are you some kind of old tiny fisherman? >> don't you see the beard and the pipe? ♪ of the seas were angry that summer moran ♪ >> ronny: i don't need a whole see shanti. are you saying that you buy whale heads from rfk jr.? why would you do that? >> if you know a better way to get whale juice, i'm all ears, you 2-legged landlubber. >> ronny: what you do with the whale's head? >> what don't i do with them? their oil fuels the gas times of nantucket, their bones make fun corsets for the lasses of new bedford and the blowholes are nature's flesh-like. >> ronny: that's gross. >> someone likes to kink-shame. get with the times, it's 1824! the point is i need more whale heads. spread the word across the seven seas, a gold doubloons for any greenhorn who brings me the

skull of the leviathan! >> ronny: i don't think those are legal currency anymore. >> fine, crypto then. it will buy you many a blowhole for the lonely nights at sea. >> ronny: listen, old tiny sailor. decapitating whales is wrong. >> it doesn't have to be a whale, any creature of the sea will earn you meet treasure. the tentacles of an octopus, the jaws of a great white, the head of the orphan clown fish they call nemo. an extra doubloons to any man who brings me the giant squid of the deep so i can make her my bride. if. >> ronny: did you just say you are going to marry a squid? you sound like you really know rfk jr. really, really well, are you going to be voting for him? >> [bleep] no! i collect the severed heads of whales, i'm not a lunatic. >> ronny: for old tiny sailor, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, luis elizondo will be joining me on the show,

so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ( ♪♪) you never want to lose your edge. and the lexus rx completely understands that. (♪♪) what if the promise of better work wasn't just something we dreamed about... but something we found? this might be the one! or better yet... no way! ...something that found us. i got the interview. ay, muy bien! welcome to applebee's. what can i get you? i'll have the 50 cent bone... cover your mouth! they could steal your order.

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an ultra close shave with a single edge stainless steel blade? [man sniffs] yup. we're still smoking that bacon. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." my guess tonight is the former head of the secretive pentagon unit that studied ufos. he's written a best-selling book, "imminent: inside the pentagon's hunt for ufos." please welcome luis elizondo! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ okay, so, you know, thanks for

coming on the show. >> think of her having me, my honor and privilege. >> ronny: it's really nice to take a break talking about divisive american politics to talk about what is going on, there's aliens? >> first of all, we don't call them aliens anymore, that's kind of a politically incorrect term. a-determiner. >> ronny: fee aliens are woke. >> we now call them nonhuman intelligence. >> ronny: you are a military man, veteran, intelligence officer, counter intelligence officer a grown adult. by your own words you are also a fact-based person. you said that in interviews. to go but i'm also proof you don't have to be intelligence to be in intelligence. let me just put that out there. >> ronny: let me put this out there: what the [bleep] is going on with aliens? what is going on, there's aliens? what is this? >> the u.s. government for many decades has been investing a lot of taxpayer money looking into this topic here and it turns out

there are absolutely technologies that are coming into our controlled u.s. airspace over our sensitive military installations, may have the ability to interfere with the nuclear equities, and it's real. not only are pilots picking it up and reporting it. we've got optical data like gun camera footage, and also radar data. and it's not just here, it looks like it's pretty pervasive all over the world now. >> ronny: ... so, what, there's aliens? there is [bleep] aliens on earth right now and doing shit. what are they doing? >> how you put those two words together, i'm not sure they are necessarily -- >> ronny: [laughs] there are [bleep] aliens. so what are they doing? what are they doing here? what are they doing? >> it appears they are interested in our technology. we don't know yet. >> ronny: why? they came here, they don't want to look at my iphone 16. they've got shit that flew across the stars. >> they are very interested in our military equities and

capabilities and also our nuclear technology. and i think for me what was most compelling was that in some cases you had literally -- literally -- near misses of u.s. combat aircraft coming within 1n some cases literally splitting a combat formation right down the middle. these are things that can do things that none of our vehicles can replicate. their performance capabilities are far beyond anything that we have, and quite frankly, there's not a whole lot we can do about it right now. >> ronny: ... so beyond a shadow of a doubt, you've seen evidence there are aliens? >> the evidence has already come out. if you have a former director of national intelligence, a former director of cia, a former president of united states all coming out and saying officially yeah, there is something to this. i mean, these things look like -- they are definitely interested in our stuff, and furthermore, when the government first came out with their new ufo program called arrow, their first report said there's 143 of

these incidents, but we expect these numbers to go down as we figure them out. the next report that came out there was over 300. the next report, there is now over 800. the number is increasing, not decreasing. >> ronny: is this getting buried in the cycle because donald trump says i hate taylor swift so we just never see this stuff? the president, the government has had these things are around. >> there in lies the problem, it's the bureaucracy. men and women -- the men and women of the pentagon and u.s. government do incredible work and most of the time we are a lot better off as a society because of their profess professionalism. unfortunately, in this particular case, the bureaucracy was a problem. we continue to try to get alarm bells after the secretary of defense over and over again but there was this layer of proverbial praetorian guards that didn't want to tell the secretary of defense that we were spending taxpayer money looking into these things and, oh, by the way, turns out they are real. >> ronny: with all due respect, is there any chance

that you are accidentally describing the synopsis to "independence day"? [laughter] because that was in the movie! they couldn't get to the dude because they wouldn't listen. so you're telling me aliens are going to take over because of u.s. government bureaucracy? >> i certainly hope that's not the case. you look at this issue here, this had been going on for decades. >> ronny: it sounds like we are battling and bureaucracy here. i don't know if we can fight a two-front war in this, can we choose a side? >> i think i would refer to fight aliens if i had to choose between bureaucracy... [laughter] >> ronny: so being very professional and technical and calm as an intelligence officer and then you're saying there's aliens here that we don't know what they want. what should people take away from this? there's aliens and, what, when you see it, shoot on sight? [laughter] >> don't do that. i would recommend not doing that. i think what people need to know right now, the u.s. government is taking this very seriously. there's several pieces of

legislation going through congress right now. there are members in both the house and the senate that have been briefed by whistle-blowers on this topic, people who have been part of certain efforts, uap efforts in the past. >> ronny: you are sure it's not getting mixed up with a border act? used to aliens, i don't think they really know which one you are talking about. >> illegal aliens and then you've got -- >> ronny: right, illegal aliens. [laughter] so it's -- we are legislating against intergalactic aliens? >> i think the idea is to open the door for whistle-blowers to come out and be able to have a protected conversation with congress so congress can then have a conversation with the american people. i think that's really what this is about and certainly i think there are certain people -- by the way, for the first time, this is a bipartisan issue. you've got liberals and conservatives on the hill, can you believe it, of all things -- >> ronny: that's the most outlandish thing you've said. that is not -- >> who would have thought?

>> ronny: i will believe aliens. [applause] there's no way these guys are working together. >> they are. i swear to god. i can't say who they are, but there are names have already been in the press quite a bit on both sides they are taking this topic very seriously. i think there's opportunity here, in the last several years we have come further than the last 70. they want this conversation to occur, they want the american people to know, this is the worst kept secret at this point probably in the u.s. government. it's pathetic. the fact that 's only people in our military intelligence communities, summing people up close and personal with these things -- >> ronny: okay, this is -- this is crazy. anyway, "imminent" is available -- [laughter] "imminent" is available now. we could talk for hours about this thing, but luis elizondo, everybody! we will take a quick break and be right back after this.

[applause] ♪ ♪ thank you. thank you for trusting us with your secret recipes and shared moments. thank you for bringing us into your homes and into your hearts for nearly 150 years. thank you for making quaker a part of your family. thursday night football on prime. it's on. welcome to thursday night football. the new england patriots take on the new york jets, as thursday night football is on. making the catch for the touchdown! it's aaron rodgers what a catch! up against a new era in new england. good show, you guys.

stream thursday night football. only on prime. do you guys think we come here too much? ♪ your cousin from boston ♪ summer ale! octoberfest! winter lager! cold snap! nah! it's sam season you know why i love halloween? why? people give me kit kats, for free. son, you're eight, all your kit kats are free.

♪♪ happy halloween! have a break. have a kit kat. could this be menopause? clearblue menopause stage indicator uses an app that combines your age, cycle data, and fsh hormone levels over time in a personalized report to share with your doctor to get the clarity you need. ( ♪♪) you never want to lose your edge. and the lexus rx completely understands that. (♪♪) >> ronny: that's our show for tonight. but before we go, this election season we are working with head count to make sure that you and your friends are good to

vote. did you know that your friends are much more likely to vote when they ask comes from you? you have free days left to get three friends ready to vote. you could be entered to win a trip to new york city for backstage experience on the set of the emmy award-winning daily show. take action now by texting "tds" to 57568 or going to the link below. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> together, we will make america powerful again. make america wealthy again! make america healthy again! make america strong again! make america proud again! make america safe again! ♪ make america free again ♪ ♪ we will make america great again ♪ thank you very much! ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy ♪ oh, it's a letter from my fancy private high school. [barking] [growling] i'll take this envelope to the refuse, madam. oh, thank you, letter butler. -what's that all about? -oh, it's an invitation to my high school reunion. i went to the fancington's academy for insufferable girls. our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets. nice. i'm sure you and peter will have a great time. uh... [sharp inhale] peter.

nobody look. this is a private, gross matter. right. do people bring husbands to these things? you're not thinking of going without him, are you? honestly, brian, these girls come from old money, so, they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental. well... i'm still available. "but the real outliers were the friends we made along the way". -the end. -[door opens] -oh, hey, lois. -wow, look at you. -reading a book, huh? -oh, yeah. i read everything people leave on planes. i read the da vinci code four times. and i'm not sure the last time i've seen you in your uniform. you really clean up nice. hey, glenn, i have this class reunion coming up soon, and i thought maybe it'd be fun if, i don't know,