oh, man. no, no, no. i don't need it. get out! [shouting indistinctly] (michael) it takes a big man to admit his mistake, and that's what i did. the important thing is... i learned something. i don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think i am going to help their career. i want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me. hmm. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show," ladies and gentlemen! my name is jon stewart. we have a fabulous show for you tonight. christine lagarde, president of the european central bank, is here. we'll be talking about her new movie, "beetlejuice beetlejuice 3 sisters!" by the way, speaking of europe, let's talk about the middle east. [laughs] as you know, october 7th marks the one year anniversary of the horrific attack against israeli citizens and the kidnapping of hostages, many of whom have died and many who are still being held.

since then, there's also been a horrific war in gaza, which doesn't seem to have gottenus any closer to those hostages getting released. but luckily for both sides, the united states has been working tirelessly since then towards... well, i'll let our former president explain. >> for weeks, i've been advocating a pause in the fighting. >> you know, i've been working tirelessly. >> relentlessly focused. >> i've been working non-stop. >> i'm engaged in this day and night. >> we're working around the clock. >> we are closer than we have ever been. >> we're very close. >> we're close. we're close. >> jon: he stopped to get ice cream once! but other than that, it was all ceasefire all the time! now if you don't mind, i'm going seeing what's going on over there and it's making me a little hungry. i want to tell my going to get some ice cream for myself.

[cheers and applause] i'm going to -- i just shot ice cream into my eyes. ice cream, i give the president credit. they are a dangerous treat. i'm going to take a big bite of my ice cream cone as i find out how our ceasefire efforts are paying off. >> israel launching an all-out assault on hezbollah in lebanon over the weekend. [cheers and applause] >> jon: what? so worth it. wait, we've been working tirelessly for a cease-fire in gaza and then [bleep] lebanon? the whole point was we're going to downgrade hamas, we're going to attack the terrorists there, get the hostages home. what did lebanon do? >> no country can accept the wanton rocketing of its cities. we can't accept it either.

>> jon: but you've also been wanton rocketing! what kind of rocketing are you doing in gaza, if not wanton? [cheers and applause] that is how little criticism they face. by the way, lebanon is also a country. what makes you think they're going to accept your rocketing or whatever other james bond shit you've been up to? >> thousands of wireless pagers simultaneously exploding across lebanon. >> jon: exploding pagers. ah, lebanon expected israel to attack from the south. but instead, they attacked from the 1980s! what? ooh, you know what lebanon should do! well, israel, got any quarters? by the way, a quick message for our viewers under, let's say,

45. this is a pager. [cheers and applause] this is a pager. i'm going to put it over here. not really sure where we bought those from. you see, there was a time back in the olden days, when we didn't have cell phones, but still wanted to buy drugs. you would -- you would ping your local neighborhood dealer on his pager -- what? and he would come over and then he would say something like, "are you going to smoke all of that?" and then you would say, "do you wanna come in?" and the next thing you know you're driving him to

schenectady. the point is, stay in school. [cheers and applause] but yes, israel -- israel remotely exploded all of hezbollah's pagers and walkie talkies, which is why, going forward, hezbollah will limit its communications to the message boards on nudeafrica.com. because no one will ever find out the things you post on nudeafrica.com, under the username "i am mark robinson, candidate for north carolina governor 836." no one will find out. [applause] now we know the americans have been working tirelessly on a ceasefire in gaza through countless hours and all 31 baskin robbins flavors.

apparently. but this new conflagration points to another outcome the united states has been very much trying to avoid. >> from day one, since october 7th, it's been one of our primary objectives to prevent the conflict from escalating are spreading to other places. >> prevent an escalation or widening or deepening of this conflict. >> we have been laser focused on trying to prevent that wider war since october 7th. >> i don't think we need a wider war in the middle east. that's not what i'm looking for. >> jon: why would you be looking for that? "you know what i'd love? a wider war in the middle east." well, now that a wider war has broken out in the middle east, this is president biden yesterday talking about what we're going to do about it. >> we're going to do everything we can to keep a wider war from breaking out. >> jon: how [bleep] wide does the war have to be before -- "without turkey, it's

technically still in the margins!" "look, as far as i'm concerned, it's not a wide war until it includes mongolian archers!" come on! what are we doing? and by the way, if this isn't the wider war, then what is this? >> it continues to be a very dangerous situation. a very difficult situation. it's a very difficult, volatile situation and the -- the situation could escalate at any moment. >> jon: [bleep] -- i'm sorry, so it's not a war. it's a "volatile situationship." friends with "bomb-efits," if you will. [cheers and applause] what if you really want to experience the full cognitive dissonance and language calisthenics that have

to be deployed to describe the middle east over the last, i don't know, four, five, six, 10,000 years, i give you: the golden soundbite. brought down from sinai to explain how [bleep] convoluted this has to be. >> what the israeli government has said -- and the biden administration is, in many ways, subscribed to this idea -- is de-escalation through escalation. >> jon: or as that is sometimes called: war! that is -- world war ii, look at the subhead! de-escalation through escalation. i mean, do you even hear yourself? my god, that -- de-escalation through

escalation. that phrase is right out of... let me see if i can find it. [cheers and applause] no, it's not in here... let me see if i can find. no, it is not in there. let me see if i can find -- [cheers and applause] oh, my god. jon, that cat has wrecked havoc on your bachelor lifestyle. although, i do take issue with one of garfield's bromides: i happen to love mondays. [cheers and applause] it's the start and end of every work week. though, i hear fridays are nice.

but here's the worst part. the country that's providing all the bombs to the middle east, or bombs "escalators," seems to have no idea when about these bombs are going to be used! >> we were not notified by the israelis about their strike or the intended target of their strike. >> first, this is something we were not aware of or involved in. >> the united states did not know about, nor was it involved in, these incidents. >> jon: oh! they're not telling you anything? have you checked your pager? i mean, my god, there have to be other ways of achieving deescalation without the respectful exchange of missiles. historically, that part is generally followed by years of sorrow and bloodshed. and we know there have been

opportunities for de-escalation but netanyahu did not seem particularly interested in it. oh, my god. i have criticized netanyahu! what have i done? go ahead. >> the people who are criticizing the prime minister, it is shameful, it is pathetic. >> we should be standing shoulder to shoulder with our strongest ally in the middle east instead of launching this criticism. >> they criticize them for going too far constantly and that gives hamas comfort. >> jon: i'm sorry? criticism of the war is shameful and it gives comfort to hamas? you know who might be surprised to hear that? the israelis, who are unbelievably critical of the war and netanyahu! [speaking hebrew]

>> jon: what are you going to say now, [bleep]? get off my back! you heard what he said! he said... [attempts to speak in hebrew] does anyone have a google translate on what he said? >> interpreter: the prime minister did not look the public in the eye and tell the truth: that he won't bring the hostages alive. >> he don't have any intent to end this war. for him, it is a kind of endless war. >> he is trying to do everything to prevent a deal. >> he don't have any intent to end this war. >> netanyahu is lying as he breathes. >> jon: what antisemites! the former prime minister of israel and defense minister are! but still, people are going to see this segment and go, all right, maybe israel isn't

perfect, but the criticism feeds the fire. don't you worry about anti-semitism? and to that i say: no. i believe anti-semitism will be fine. [cheers and applause] i got to say, not for nothing, but from what i have experienced, it's very resilient. and isn't tied to any event or war or activity or reality. for god's sakes, kanye thought we ruined his adidas deal. we just need orthotics, that's all! anti-semitism will survive this war like it survived all wars going back to the brave hebrews at masada. do you see, rabbi? i was paying attention in hebrew school! [cheers and applause]

but you know what? you know what? maybe i'm wrong. maybe the "blame the jews" from the black death to the spanish inquisition to the space lasers will all go away, if israel does right, and peace will reign, and people will no longer baselessly and conveniently blame the jews when things don't work out the way they want them to. >> this is the most important election in the history of the united states. i'm not going to call this as a prediction, but in my opinion, the jewish people would have a lot to do with a loss if i'm at 40%. >> jon: son of a bitch! when we come back, french money lady christine lagarde will be here. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

as a prosecutor, i never asked a victim or a witness: 'are you a republican or a democrat?' the only thing i ever asked them: 'are you ok?' and that's the kind of president we need right now — someone who cares about you and is not putting themselves first. i intend to be a president for all americans, and focus on investing right now in you, the american people. and we can chart a new way forward. i'm kamala harris and i approve this message.

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my guest tonight, the president of the european central bank. please welcome back christine lagarde! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ thank you so much for being here! we were just talking, last time that i saw you, you were the french minister of finance. >> correct. >> jon: and then you moved on, imf, and you came back, and then now you are the head of the ecb, which is, for context, similar to what the fed would be, i assume, for the united states. >> that's right. >> jon: and you lowered interest rates as well. >> yes. we started a little earlier in june. >> jon: okay. i didn't know it was going to go there right away. i didn't know we were going to do this right away.

>> we did 25. he did 50. >> jon: you only do 25? >> but then we did it again. so it is 50-50. >> jon: do you guys talk? do you say, i'm about to do 25, and he likes them i'm going to do 50? >> [laughs] >> jon: two months later and make you look silly? >> [laughs] >> jon: you don't coordinate? >> no, we talk to each other but we don't coordinate. we don't. >> jon: is this the basis points -- and we all now, there is a certain oracle nature, we wait to see what the central banks will do, and they always talk and coated and coated them a mysterious language and they say, 25 basis points and we are like, yes! what is that? but is it now, is that the signal inflation has been defeated? >> it is not quite. we are getting there. we are almost at target. >> jon: what are you pointing

at? what is -- >> my target is two. 2%. i want to get to 2%. >> jon: what is it now? >> it is 2.2. but i want to make sure that we are at 2 and we stay at 2% because that is regarded at sort of stable inflation and we look at that in the medium term. we don't want to have one month that's 2% and then another month and 2.6%. we wanted to be steady, solid. >> jon: at 2. >> ad 2. >> jon: w who is the 2 chooser? >> interestingly enough, that was way back, i think new zealand was one of those that started -- >> jon: and we are all following new zealand now? that is what this is? new zealand one day one, you know what will be a good number? 2. >> i think all central bankers around the world thought, 2%, because then that leaves a little wiggle room to negotiate wages increases. we are not exactly sure the statistics are perfect. but there is room to maneuver on all accounts, and 2% is

something that goes reasonably unnoticed as long as wages progress as well. >> jon: right. although, when you say 2%, we face kind of a pretty large inflationary spike, so it seems like these higher prices have a certain stickiness that the corporations have gotten accustomed to. like, the supply chains are a little better and things have eased, but, why not? people are still paying it. >> that is a big difference between the level of prices, and the increase in prices. >> jon: i. >> jon: i see. >> when you have had regular increases in prices, generally, it does not move down. it stays at that level. that is, when you talk about a level of prices. >> jon: why is that? what caused the inflation in the first place? do we have a handle on that? >> yes. >> jon: okay. >> shall we think the last big inflation wave that we had? [laughter] no, okay.

>> jon: yes. >> as an example. what caused it? you have three components. one is, you had the worst pandemic ever, since the '20s, the last '20s. >> jon: that's right. the shutdown of -- >> to shut down -- >> jon: that would seem to be deflationary because it seems like demand would disappear. >> well, some demand disappeared and some demand to state them particularly when people continue to receive checks in the mail and -- >> jon: the mistake was keeping people alive. >> no, no. >> jon: i get it now. i get what's happening here. >> [laughs] >> jon: all right. >> so supply chain completely disrupted. >> jon: yes. >> first. second, we had at least in europe, the worst war since the '40s. >> jon: still going on in ukraine. so energy. >> energy, wheat, all sorts of commodity prices went down, especially given that dear

mr. putin anticipated that and weighed on energy prices, so wait on energy supply, so that prices started going up, even before the war started. he had planned that all along. so energy prices were a big component. >> jon: so supply chain disruption. energy spike. now that is in europe. we did not have that to the same extent, i would assume. >> you had some of it. correct. because you have energy on-site in the country, we don't have any energy sources. >> jon: drill, baby, drill. did you know that as our national anthem? that is what we -- we sing it before every ball game. [cheers and applause] so that is two. we've got two. what is the third? >> i would say three. the pandemic, the war, and the energy prices. so the three of them just pushed prices up in a big way. and more so in europe than in the u.s. we went on average in the euro area, prices went up 10.6%. you never had the double-digit.

>> jon: i would imagine certain commodities would go up faster than others, it is not linear, i wouldn't imagine. >> no. but it has a dribbling effect. so if you have oil prices going up, it will have an impact on pretty much all other products because you find energy everywhere. >> jon: so give me a sense, so oil prices go up. how long does it take for that to insinuate itself into the supply chain system and create that -- >> inflation. >> jon: that inflation. >> it was relatively fast. in a matter of four, six months, it is into the various prices. where there is a lag, which is much longer, is on wages. wages take more time to respond to that increase in prices. and -- >> jon: i don't know if you know this in america, wages have yet to respond. we are talking about from the '50's. like, it is really -- wages don't go up. [cheers and applause] since the '80s, it feels like

the economy flipped over to an investment economy, rather than a labor. >> much more capital intensive and the renumeration of capital was higher than the renumeration of labor. you are right. it's a long time, not just the last ten years. >> jon: it seems like the approach of the 80s were the period of the regulation and it sped up. but the tools that we use, whether it is the fed or quantitative easing or those kinds of things, are still working at that supply-side level, and in other words, like in 2008, we bailed out more on the corporate side rather than the people side. >> well, we secured the financial system to make sure that depositors for all the customers around the world were not completely lost. so that was the key proposal. make sure that the financial system doesn't collapse. and then, you are right. there was, particularly in the last six years, five years, since 2019, when we had covid, we tried to keep the economy afloat.

we try to avoid -- >> jon: the more demand-side stimulus. >> yeah, certainly in this country. >> jon: and that is where maybe the rubber meets the road. it feels like, from what i've heard of economists -- >> you want to dampen demand if you want to keep inflation down. but that the same time, increase demand by putting some physical -- >> jon: but on the same time, we kept people alive and in their homes. in 2008, when they decided on the quantitative easing, to give sort of at 0% interest window, and people were able to borrow money at the corporate level, -- >> households as well. >> jon: there was a horrible recession. it hundred people lost their homes. -- a ton of people lost their homes. the lesson to become a stimulating on the demand side with a more efficient use of capital and also had the moral bonus of covering human needs -- >> the people. >> jon: rather than -- so why does that seem now so controversial?

>> it is not controversial in my books. >> jon: well, because you are human. but these guys i am talking to, they give me a whole "that last really and really screwed us for the next ten years," and i'm like, what are you talking about? >> well, everything has to be reasonable and sensible. you don't want to overdo it to a point where you have to withdraw and spun to liquidity's that are out there, and that is the reason why at some stage, you have to stop quantitative easing and you have to also stop the fiscal stimulus and support that you have given to the economy in hard times, because times are getting better. >> jon: do the central banks have mechanisms that can be more responsive on that demand-side, as you said, rather than at having to filter through the system more on that supply-side? >> the first tool we use as interest rates. that is the most efficient one and it is the one that has been traditionally used. >> jon: almost certainly, if you raise it, will dampen the labor. >> yeah. and if you tighten, which is if

you reduce the interest rates, if you cut, then it should stimulate the economy and it should encourage people having lower financing costs to go o borrow, invest, and buy houses and things like that. >> jon: right. i wonder, is there any school of thought that thanks, we've got this thing flipped on its head, and we would be such a more efficient and humane society, if we stimulated more -- like, i'm thinking about -- you tell me if this is the wrong way of thinking about it -- trump came in, $1.7 trillion tax cut. most of it went to rich people. got the corporate tax rate from, i think, 35% to 21%. 14%. that is a huge amount of money. he regulated a lot of industries. so i would think, as a package, that is trillions and trillions and trillions of dollars. a lot of it went to stock buybacks. it doesn't trickle into wages and the labor market, but it does pop up our deficit, making

us less able to withstand, i don't know, a pandemic. because we feel like, then we can't put that -- >> i'm a little bit scared when you talk about pandemic because i watched the interview that we did together in 2009. >> jon: what did i say? >> well, you said at the time, because we discussed the standing of the economy, and i kind of sad, things are getting better. and then you close to the interview saying, unless we have a global pandemic. [audience reacts] [applause] >> jon: to the camera, i just want to address anybody quickly. when she says i said that, she is not suggesting, all jews gave us -- what we are trying to do -- i only say that, because there has been some confusion here in the

united states. but exactly right. i'm wondering, as a central banker, is there a way to look at the economy, less on the supply side. how do we get labor to benefit more efficiently from all of that money? >> you have to -- you know those things. you have two components. capital, labor, and you bring these together, and you create value. the two have to be compensated. and for decades, capitalists have been better for enumerated then labor, and the labor share in the value production has been reduced. then it is a matter of give and take. so if the labor market is tight, as it is now, it is for the labor were to actually say, excuse me, i think that should be renumerated as well and probably better than it has for many, many years. so it is a question of -- >> jon: is there a way to do

it? >> negotiations, discussions, and persistence. >> jon: right. is there a better way? because it feels like for corporate subsidies, they don't have to fight so hard. it seems like labor has to fight for that seat at the table, where as the larger entities don't. >> the balance of lobbying forces is obviously skewed to one side. >> jon: right, right. >> in most countries. >> jon: you would recommend that poor people get better lobbyists. that would be -- [cheers and applause] what about this? how about this? is there anything in corporate, like, would you talk about buybacks, it is all in stock, what if workers were automatically invested in that? some companies do that. i think the tech industry does a pretty good job of that. when you get hired there -- >> that is one way to deal with it but it is a very small component, it could be a lot

bigger. >> jon: do you think, when you forecast out, what i worry about is, labor is kind of been on the back foot, and it seems like ai is going to further erode labor's position. is that something that you guys figure in? >> that is a big concern. the discussions that are taking place now actually in new york, concerning the governance of ai around the world and how it should be enhancing workers' position, contribution to the economy, rather than replacing workers, is a vital discussion to be had. >> jon: who is having that? >> i think it is engineered by the united nations and there is a group of, you know, thinkers and philosophers and experts in ai who are saying, watch out. because if there is no global governance on that, just as we have global governance on nuclear, not perfectly complied with, but at least generally respected. at least there is -- >> jon: we are all still here. [laughs] i am worried about that.

i happen to run into a couple of, like, leading lights of the ai world. and i said, globalization, you know, really hit american manufacturing and we are still feeling it, and that is something that took decades to really play out. >> it also benefited the consumers, don't forget. >> jon: no question. we did get much cheaper stretchy pants and everything. yes, yes. but that played out over years, and there are still areas where it has decimated and haven't been back. it seems like ai will do the same thing to the more white-collar movement, but it is going to do it much quicker. i said, are you guys concerned about that? and the guy goes -- he is one of the big hitters, and he goes, no, we will be good. and i was like, oh, we are all going to die. this is crazy. will you adjust -- >> i don't think we are going to die. but i think completely -- well, we will at some stage. >> jon: no, i understand.

and by the way, me before a lot of people. >> last night but we should really be concerned about ai because where you are totally right is we should affect all jobs, and those sort of white-collar jobs, which were not affected, will be affected. and we have to be prepared. we have to improve our skill set. we have to be able to master that tool and not be the servant and the object of that tool. because it is fast and it is transformative. >> jon: do you know what they told me? it is already smarter than us. what they do, it takes the 10,000 sort of years of human achievement and it swallows it in -- >> i will tell you something. this morning, i wanted to check the price of butter because i thought you were going to ask me, do you do grocery shopping and did you notice that prices have increased. >> jon: what kind of an animal do you think i am? christine lagarde, how dare you? if i may say so, i know your

butler does the shopping! they go so i check and i checked with one of those terribly smart ai engines. i said, what is the price in 2019, what was the price in 2024? i get the answer and it is totally skewed. it is cheaper now than it was in 2019 and my recollection is -- so i tell this guy. this ai engine. i said, are you sure about your numbers? can you check that? comes back and said, we are terribly sorry can we made a mistake. yes, it is the other way around. so that tells me one thing. we have to be alert, we have to check the facts, we have to exercise judgment, and we cannot -- >> jon: does it tell you that or does it tell ai is so far ahead of us that the plan was, i am going to give the head of the european central bank the wrong butter figures, absolutely plummeting her career. she is in charge of stability of europe. europe is then plunged into chaos! 500 years of black death!

oh, ai has got us by the -- >> you must be behind that. >> jon: i probably am. the final question, so we are coming onto a period come people are talking about the soft landing. it has still been rough for consumers. do you foresee, within the next, you know -- because i know these things take time. 12 months, 18 24 months, a better stability bill building into all of this, without some terrible catastrophe. >> yes. i should think so. why do i say that? because i think that the tools have improved, the analytical models and tools that are used to anticipate and to try to measure our better, and because we have learned in the last few years more than we have in decades. >> jon: and the stable 2% -- >> and we know that uncertainty will be with us and we have to factor that in and make sure that we have tools to anticipate uncertainty. which is a big, big challenge. >> jon: sure. we are anticipating uncertainty here in about eight weeks. so i feel you.

i feel you. thank you so much for joining us. it is always such a pleasure to see you. european central bank president christine lagarde. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

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the week, ms. desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] what are you going to bring to the people this week? >> so many scandals: there's rfk jr., matt gaetz, mark robinson. which reminds me, jon, i need to look through your phone. hand it over. yep. >> jon: why would you need to look? >> we've got to make sure there's no scandals brewing here. who knows which nude continent porn site you've been commenting on. phone, now! come on. >> jon: i don't have anything to hide. jesus, how big is your font, jon? my god. okay, selfie, selfie, selfie. oh, my god. jon stewart! is this real? you postmate an entire fudgie the whale cake every morning?

ugh, disgusting. disgusting. >> jon: i was hacked. i was doing research. >> oh, by god? what is this! >> jon: desi lydic, everyone! now here it is, your "moment of zen." speak with a problem with another debate is that it is just too late. voting has already started. she has done one debate, i have done two. it is too late to do another. i would love to come in many ways, but it is too late. the voting is cast. this is a message to all american infidels. prepare to die in a sea of holy fire. you will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of radaman. -you-- -[all laughing]

wait. wait a minute. did i just say... what did i say? "radaman?" [stammering] ramadan. radaman. what is that? what is... yeah, maybe dennis "radaman" is gonna punish you with his crazy hair. -no? -[man] osama. what's that? right, right. yeah, no. okay, okay. all right, let's go again. okay. this is a message to all ame-- [laughing] i'm not-- i'm not gonna be able to do it now. okay, all right, okay. no, i just-- i got to get all the... i got to get all the laughs out. okay? i got to get all the laughs out. [babbling] -okay, all right. -[cameraman] today sometime. stop making that face over there! -[all laughing] -what are you doing? i can't... he makes that face and it makes me laugh, okay? you know what, just turn around. turn--turn around. i don't care where you look. just look over there. okay, all right. they're-- they're-- they're cracking-- they're cracking up over there. okay. oh, yeah. look who's snickering over there. mr. i-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-i'm-sick. he had a--he had a note. -[man 1] he got you. -[man 2] he's so bad. he had a note from his doctor.

he brought a note from his doctor. it's a suicide bombing. -[man 1] it's true. -what are you... okay, all right. okay, all right. here we go. this is where i get all serious now. okay. death... [laughing] i can't. i can't do it. i can't do it. i can't. oh, come on. now you're just trying to make... hey, wait, wait, wait. look, look, rubber chicken, you know? i should do, like, the whole tape with this in my hand, you know? just totally, like, with the chicken right here because everyone will be like, "what the hell? what--what is-- what is 'death to americans'?" just let him do it. let him do the tape. [cameraman] talking chicken. don't blame me. it was the chicken. he was... oh, no, no, no. actually, no. you know what would be better? hey, wait, wait. just walk out like this. i just... look... i just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. like this totally, like, completely serious. like--like i don't even know i'm wearing them. [cameraman] oh, man! death. death to america. what? what? what are you looking at? what? do i have--do i have something on my face? what? what? right here? what? boys, i'm just wearing my regular glasses. -i always wear these. -[cameraman] that is crazy. hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? yeah.

-[all laughing] -hey, he got it. he got it over there. the little guy got it. who is that guy? i've never seen him around here before. how's it going, chief? good day to you, sir. and now prepare to die. [heroic music theme] [screams] [men groaning] [groaning] [chicken squeaks] [groans] who... who are you? i'm stewie griffin. and don't ever let me catch you guys in quahog! [screaming]

[ police squad! theme] [cat meows aggressively] [people yelling] [all exclaiming] [twins gasping] [monster snarling] [laser guns firing] [groans] hey, stewie. who the hell is that? [joyful music] [staple gun firing] peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. oh, sorry, lois. i didn't know you were home. what the hell are you doing? i'm laying down the red carpet.

the emmys are on tonight. oh, god. don't tell me you forgot about meg's play tonight. but, lois, meg sucks! everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. plus, i went to her first grade play that one time. oh, robin hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. don't worry, maid marian, i'll save you. boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. i'm just telling you for your own benefit. i'm-i'm very aware that i'm watching a play right now. come on, i got to watch the emmys. peter, you're going to meg's play and that's that. is that that now, mrs. that's that? if you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. [peter screams] now, are you gonna go to meg's play or not? yes! you like eating red carpet, tough guy? yes! say you like eating red carpet! [peter] i like eating red carpet. giggity. god, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? well, i could tell you, but i'd rather show you

through interpretive dance. [jazz music] [wails] well, crying baby. i'll take him out. uh, you know, lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the emmy for best documentary. um, i hear there's one on vacuuming. really? well, that sounds interesting. wait a minute. you can't fool me that easily. you are not watching the emmys tonight. now shush. [jazz music continues] excuse me. i got to go do some black guy stuff. [whines] man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. thanks for coming to my birthday party, jake ryan. thanks for having me at your birthday party, peter. make a wish. it's already come true. here's your present. no, jake! not like this! [peter screams] our top story, beloved entertainer bob hope

briefly came back to life today only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident. hey, i'm gonna jump all those trash cans. [chuckles] in other news, actor david hyde pierce created a major controversy at the emmys last night when a "trouser malfunction" caused him to expose his testicles. [david hyde] sure glad i didn't miss the emmys, diane. oh, that's just great, lois. thanks to you, i missed a moment of television history. well, now you know how george w. bush felt when he showed up in vietnam. all right, let's do this. let's kick some ass. uh, george, the war is over. what? yeah, it's done. get out of here! are you serious? -yeah. -oh, man! oh, man! i just got your messages. and i--i... oh, i'm sorry. george, it's been over for a while. -really? -yeah. it's 1981. it's... oh, oh, wow! oh, so i'm way late. oh, boy! yeah. uh, well, you want to do something else? -i got some blow. -son of a bitch! it took you this long to tell me? break it out, man!

gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the david hyde pierce incident. and as you know, one call equals a billion people. which means 20 billion people were offended by this. needless to say, something must be done. perhaps we should ask the chairman. good idea. uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the hyde pierce incident. you've got to censor television, you fools! now follow my orders. [dramatic music] [tv announcer] and now, stay tuned for three's company. jack, are you out there? i want to show you my new bikini. what the hell! why are they blocking out all the good stuff? [announcer] it's the [bleep] van [bleep] show starring [bleep] van [bleep]. they're messing with my shows. come to think of it, there was something very different about that honeymooners episode i watched today. one of these days, alice, one of these days... i'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an american car. this must be the fcc overreacting to the david hyde pierce incident.

they're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. what the hell! they let sarah jessica parker's face on tv, and she looks like a foot. well, mark my words, i'm gonna fight this. you're on tv, mr. tucker. can't you do something about this? well, peter, i'm flattered you came to me for help. we'll have more after this. good evening. we're back. peter, to answer your question, if you want to control content, you'd have to start your own television station. my own tv station? i haven't had my own business since i ran that mail order operation. yeah, uh, i bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain. sorry, no returns. i've been a customer here for years. i can maybe give you a store credit. but... really? well, i guess... what's the holdup in here? i'm taking care of it. peter, what are you doing? what is all this stuff? dad's starting his own tv station, but i'm not supposed to tell mom because she's just gonna bitch him out. what the hell do you expect to accomplish with this? i'm saving television, lois. apache chief, put the satellite on the roof.

sure, peter. apache chief... [speaks native language] well, that was the high point of my day. guess i'll go gamble.

thursday night football on prime. it's on. ready to have some fun? yeah, let's do it. the dallas cowboys take on the new york giants, as thursday night football is on. stream thursday night football. only on prime. the city hall insiders have a formula: grow the system, exploit the system. take mark farrell's record. after receiving the largest ethics fine in city history for breaking campaign laws. mark authorized a commission almost every year he was in office. he was even caught taking donations from people he would then appoint to commissions, including a felon convicted of bribery. san francisco's challenges demand urgency, not more of the same failed insiders.

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hi, there. i'm peter griffin. and you're watching ptv, means i'll never miss a day of freshness. where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. like the episode of all in the family where archie got the jeffersons to move. [archie] time for you to move there, uh, jefferson. oh, archie. i can't see out of my sheet! edith, will you stifle yourself? we're supposed to be incognitus. and who could forget that classic episode of the waltons? [mary ellen] good night, jim-bob. [jim-bob] good night, mary ellen. -good night, pa. -[pa] good night, jim-bob. -good night, elizabeth. -[elizabeth] good night, pa. -good night, ma. -[ma] good night, elizabeth. good night, john-boy.

-good night, john-boy. -[footsteps] -[door opening] -john-boy? [john-boy] damn it! can't a guy masturbate in this house? [jazz music] peter, look at these numbers. we're a hit. you know, if i were you, i'd think about expanding your programming somehow. brian, that's a great idea. that's exactly what we need to take ptv to the next level. original programming. [stewie] cheeky bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. oh, my god! where is my roast pheasant? hmm, by now i think it's in my lower intestine. [laughter resonates] you ate it? but i told you my boss was coming here for dinner. well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. [laughter resonates] you cheeky bastard. [laughter resonates] [man clapping] welcome to midnight q. tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of charles mingus. norman mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. and then we also have a girl from omaha who's hiding a banana. we'll find out where.