did we? we never got caught and we actually made some money. oh, yeah, you're right. hey, hand me that stack of kobe jerseys and a sharpie. guys, i just found meg's ankle bracelet. -so? -her foot's still in it. [beeping] [helicopter blades whirring] [meg grunting] [panting] hey, meg? where's your creek buddy? you're not in any trouble, you just need a creek buddy. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much to talk about tonight. donald trump begs women to take him back, mark robinson wants his scandal to climax and finish already, and we get to know the real tim walz. but first, let's talk about women. did you know they can vote? let's take a look at the men trying to win their support in a special edition of "indecision 2024." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] those graphics cost 10% more because they were pink. let's start with donald trump. according to polls, he's deeply unpopular with women. maybe it's because of his

legally-adjudicated record of sexual assault. maybe he forgot their birthdays. it's hard to say. but the fact is, he needs to win them back, and he knows it. so last night, he turned on the old trump charm! >> sadly, women are poorer than they were four years ago. much poorer, are less healthy than they were four years ago, are less safe on the streets than they were four years ago, are more stressed and depressed and unhappy. >> desi: ooh! excuse me! you really know how to flatter a lady! please tell me more about the bags under my eyes! i love how he's acknowledging that we're stressed out, as though he's not the one stressing us out! this is like boeing being like, "weird how people seem so freaked out about air travel these days." although, it's not true that all women are poorer. e. jean carroll seems to be

doing pretty well. [cheers and applause] but trump is a master marketer. that's how you sell things to women. you convince them they have a problem, and then you say "here, buy these vagina gummies." and yes, in this analogy, trump is the vagina gummy. >> i believe that i will fix all of that and fast. you will no longer be abandoned, lonely, or scared. you will no longer be in danger. you're not going to be in danger any longer. you will no longer have anxiety from all of the problems our country has today. women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free. you will be protected and i will be your protector. [audience reacts] >> desi: uh, i'm actually meeting someone here. i have a boyfriend.

thank you so much, though! [cheers and applause] i know what you are thinking. how can trump expect women to support him when he took away abortion rights? well, luckily, he has an answer for that. >> you will no longer be thinking about abortion. because we've done something that nobody else could have done. it is now where it always had to be, with the states, and a vote of the people. >> desi: yes, the states! where women live! remember that thing that you could always depend on because it was legal everywhere? well, now it's up for a vote every two years in every jurisdiction forever! that feels better, right? no need to think. don't think! just don't think. but trump isn't the only one not thinking clearly about abortion. republicans up and down the ballot are having trouble with it, like ohio's bernie moreno. he's the republican nominee in a pivotal senate race. it's high stakes, so try not to

piss off half of your constituents. >> republican senate candidate bernie moreno is getting harsh backlash tonight because of comments he made over the weekend about women who support reproductive rights. >> you know, the left has a lot of single issue voters, sadly, by the way, there's a lot of suburban women, lot of suburban women that are, like, listen, abortion's it. if i can't have an abortion in this country whenever i want, i will vote for anybody else. okay, it's a little crazy, by the way, especially for women that are, like, past 50, i'm thinking to myself, i don't think that's an issue for you. [audience reacts] >> desi: yeah. how dare a woman who can't get pregnant care about abortion! only men who can't get pregnant are allowed to care about abortion! [cheers and applause] if people should only care about issues that affect their bodies, why do you care about it,

bernie moreno? it's abortion, not the rising price of extra small condoms. [audience reacts] [cheers and applause] but of course, the winner of this week's "shitty men competition" has to be north carolina's mark robinson, candidate for governor and horny carl winslow. last week, it was reported that robinson spent years posting on the porn website nudeafrica.com. yeah. he called himself a black nazi and wished he could buy slaves. he talked about his love for trans porn even though in public he denounces trans people. and he allegedly wrote detailed fantasies about his wife's sister that are so explicit, i only feel comfortable reading them to you if i replace all the nasty words with the word "smurf." so here we go:

okay. here it is. "right when i was really pumping the smurf chute good, she shot a long hot stream of smurf up in the air that covered my chest and smurf! it was so smurfing hot! she was smurfin', i was smurfin', she was smurfing, and i was covered in smurf, and smurf juice and smurf. damn." there goes my childhood. now, normally, if even one of these things were reported about you, you'd probably lay low for a while, but mark robinson is not a normal person. >> new this morning, republican mark robinson fiery and defiant. >> while this country is literally facing a crisis situation on the world stage, while our border is wide open, while our businesses are struggling, while folks are dying from fentanyl, while crime is spiraling out of control, you folks want to focus on tabloid trash. and quite frankly, i am sick of

it. >> desi: "yeah, people! listen up. there are real issues at stake here! inflation is so high, america's milfs can't afford to pay their pool boys. utilities are so expensive, young men are forced to shower with their step-moms. cities are so strapped, the mta is raising prices on the bang bus. american families are so poor they're living ass-to-mouth. and immigrants are stealing all our jobs -- hand and blow!" [laughter and cheering] for more on this scandal, let's go live to north carolina with dulce sloan! [cheers and applause] >> hello! >> desi: dulce, how do you think this mark robinson scandal going to affect the female vote? >> the female vote? no, no, no. women shouldn't have to respond

to this. this mark robinson guy is a problem for men! he's confirmed all our greatest fears about them. that they just want to cheat on their spouses and watch porn all day! in fact, i want a man to answer for this. where is josh? josh johnson, show yourself! put a camera on josh! [cheers and applause] >> ah? >> josh! answer for mark robinson right now! >> what? is there a camera in my house? how'd you put a camera in my house? >> i'm an airbnb superhost. [laughs] i can sneak a camera into any room in america. but that's not important. you need to tell me right now you're not leaving nazi comments on porn websites. >> a -- what? >> i bet you're jerking off right now! >> you can see both my hands!

>> i don't know how you little freaks do it! >> i'm eating! who eats and watches porn? >> jared from subway. [applause] next question! >> desi, help me out! >> desi: answer the question, josh. are you watching porn? >> i'm watching a documentary on industrial farm animals. >> desi: mm. so you can [bleep] 'em? >> yeah! see, nasty! i bet you go to the last page of pornhub. >> it's not porn! >> oh, so you've never watched porn? >> dulce. >> hmm? >> my mama watches this show. don't make me say -- >> see, i knew it! i bet you're on nudeafrica.com right now! >> i've never even heard of that website! >> oh, so you're saying you don't find black women

attractive? josh? >> when did i say that? >> you know what? you nasty! get this nasty man off my screen. he makes me sick! he makes me sick! there you have it, desi. clearly, men like josh johnson will be voting in record numbers for mark robinson. >> i'm not! >> so when you go to vote, bring some purell, ladies! because that voting machine lever is not the only thing they're yankin' on! >> desi: duly noted. dulce sloan and josh johnson, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, the shocking truth about tim walz. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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at oscar mayer, we smoke our bacon for 12 long hours. keep it oscar. experience an ultra close shave with a single edge stainless steel blade? [man sniffs] yup. we're still smoking that bacon. [cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." one week from tonight will be the first vice presidential debate. so let's get to know one of the two men who'll be on that stage, in another installment of "the daily showography." ♪ ♪ >> boy, that tim walz fella sure seems nice. a little too nice. >> tim walz's job is to be the jack kevorkian for america. his job is to be the assistant

suicide doctor period to lean over, charmingly, by the bedside of america, and to give it a fatal injection. >> close your eyes, america. it will all be over soon. this is the "daily showography" of tim walz. rabidly nice. sponsored by trump vance and project 2025. timothy james walz had a dangerously folksy upbringing. >> i counted 400 people, had 24 kids in my class, 12 were cousins -- >> he developed a taste for blood from his father and grandfather who owned a meat locker. [screaming] and was indoctrinated into communism by working on a farm, where he evenly distributed fertilizer, regardless of which crops worked the hardest. soon, walz was recruited to join

the national guard, where he admitted to swindling our brave troops. >> i willingly say i got far more out of the military then they got out of out of me. >> disgusting. that government welfare paid for him to attend an elite ivy league school in the globalist nexus of nebraska. not surprisingly, walz used his education degree to get a job teaching america's future enemies in communist china. in china, walz worked at a chinese school, teaching armies of chinese students, who were from china. after completing his chinese brainwashing, walz returned to the midwest, where he indoctrinated decent american children with his social studies, forcing them to read textbooks, and look at maps. now safely undercover in minnesota, walz married fellow teacher gwen, and where do you think they honeymooned? that's right.

china. to this day, he still doesn't try to hide his allegiance. >> happy chinese new year of the pig. >> walz's sinister niceness could not be contained by a classroom. it started bleeding into after-school activities, when he took a position coaching football. the same sport cia operative travis kelce plays as part of his taylor swift xi op. but it is o surprise, walz ended up a football coach. it was in his blood to crave the touch of dead pig flesh. from there, it was a small step to his most evil act of kindness yet. grooming children to be nice to each other. >> they asked if i would be interested in helping start a gay straight alliance group. if you have an older, white, straight, married male football coach, who is deeply concerned that these students are treated fairly and that there is no bullying. speak about being nice to

children wasn't enough for this. he wanted to be nice to a whole congressional district. >> i will speak for you! thank you! >> after winning a seat, walz charged in on day one, just dripping with entitlement. >> holy cow. look at the door. >> my own restroom. >> pooping on the taxpayer's dollar. you know where else they have government restrooms? china. before long, this ambitious zealot set his sights on an even fancier place to poop: the governor's office. his opponents tried desperately to warn people. >> i think tim walz is an affable individual who has a wonderful smile. >> but it was too late. walz seized power and within days, the estate was overwhelmed by riots in the streets and a deadly virus from yes where?

to no one's surprise, governor walz unleashed a theory of radically nice policies. and the nicest of all, free breakfast and lunch for school kids. >> you know who else gave kids free food? that which who ate hansel and gretel. >> a nice fat chicken! >> walz transformed minnesota beyond recognition, even renaming his fairy roads after bizarre pop stars who would make less confident men question their own sexuality. >> this is the coolest bill signing that we will ever do. >> sure, if you like your little corvettes red. and his dark addictions don't end up with pop music. whether it is fixing cars, coin collecting, butter carving, or owning guns and hunting... wait, no, skip that one. that is normal. the point is, walz is a madman who dabbles in elitist predilections, ranging from haute cuisine... >> i am a corn good dog. >> to haute couture.

>> i am wearing corn dog socks. >> it is no wonder that when kamala harris needed a henchman for her extremist takeover of america, there was only one man for the job. speak with the most neglected part of home ownership is the gutters. >> drink some water, folks, it is hot out here. >> the graph is green, the coffee is hot. >> we are close to getting hay in the barn and getting this thing done. >> and that is why, tim walz truly is radically nice. >> i think i live the most boring life of anyone you've ever met. [evil laugh] [cheers and applause] >> desi: when we come back, aubrey plaza will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an emmy-nominated actor who stars in two upcoming films, "my old ass," and "megalopolis." >> listen, bitch. you and i ought to have an understanding. you are on my territory now. and you are going to play by my rules! okay? one, crassus is mine. two, the bank is mine. and three -- and this may come as a little surprise to you -- cesar is mine. and he has been for a long time. [cheers and applause] >> desi: please welcome aubrey plaza! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> i don't want to do that but it does feel good on my broken knee. >> desi: how is your broken knee, by the way? >> i don't want to do that the whole time. it is doing great. >> desi: no, you committed and that is what we are doing. we are doing it the whole time. >> because it feels right. >> desi: like it or not. >> it really does feel good. >> desi: does it? keep it up there. i don't give a [bleep]. it's basic cable. who is even watching now? [laughter] aubrey injured herself doing something very cool, playing basketball. not like me when i tweaked my back because i slept the wrong way. >> no, i have done that, too. it's true. i was playing basketball, wnba all-star weekend in phoenix at their brand-new beautiful practice facility. and it was a very casual game

that ended tragically. i think i could be wrong but i might have been the first injury report on the team usa roster. i am not kidding. >> desi: you should have led with that. that is, like, number one. >> i think it is true. >> desi: i know you probably have to be a little tight-lipped about the plot of this coppola film, "megalopolis," you play a morally corrupt journalist. how much tucker carlson footage did you have to watch to study for this character? [cheers and applause] >> [laughs] i mean, i actually, in all seriousness, i did watch a lot of a lot of fox news. >> desi: did you? >> to study, yeah, to research my role as a corrupt journalist. i did. >> desi: how high are your therapy bills now? >> high. very high. >> desi: what was that like, i mean, being on a [bleep] coppola film? that is enormous. >> it is wild. i still can't believe it. we had the premiere last night

and i was sitting around going, i cannot believe i'm in this movie. it is insane. it is such a -- he is such a legend, an icon. it doesn't feel real. >> desi: i heard that he treated the set like theater camp. there was a lot of improv and rehearsal. is that true? >> oh, yeah. [laughter] i mean, francis loves actors. he loves the process, and he set up a week of rehearsals, and i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. but i found out very quickly that anything can happen and it is not about reading the lines on the page. it's about doing whatever games come to his mind on that day. different kinds of games. yeah. but it was kind of amazing because it was a mind meld. we all kind of, you know, it was like an old timey kind of theater troupe. we all kind of connected and our defenses fell away and it was

fun. >> desi: you are not just starring in a coppola film. you also have a marvel show coming out. >> yes, "agatha." >> desi: "agatha all along." [cheers and applause] you also have a sundance starling called "my old ass." >> yes, "my old ass." >> desi: talk to us about "my old ass," the movie, not my old ass or do. go on. >> okay. "my old ass," yes, it is in theaters now, and it is a ridiculous -- it's a very funny title for a movie that is so, like, heartwarming and, oh, my god, i cry every time i see it. and it is about a girl called elliott who is -- the summer before she leaves home for college, she does a mushroom trip with her friends and she meets her old ass, her 39-year-old self played by me, her old ass, as she calls me,

during the mushroom trip and then it is kind of this amazing move about your 39-year-old self talking to your younger self and going, don't do this , and do this, and it is just awesome. it is really good. maisy stella is incredible and megan park, the director-writer knocked it out of the park, no pun intended. >> desi: as she was born to do so. it is such a sweet movie. it is so funny and it is so heartwarming and you are wonderful in it. >> thank you. >> desi: congratulations on everything! >> thank you! >> desi: aubrey plaza! [cheers and applause] "megalopolis" is in theaters and imax everywhere september 27th. aubrey plaza, everyone! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ ”hand me downs” by citizen ♪ bella: siri. what's the name of the guy i had a meeting with a couple months ago at cafe grenel? siri: you met zac wingate at cafe grenel. zac: hey... bella: zac! zac: oh wow, i didn't think you'd remember me. bella: yeah of course, as soon a i saw you i'm like, it's zac, nobody walks like zac. zac: [laughs] ♪ “genius” by krizz kaliko ♪ ♪ i am genius (whoaaa) ♪ he told us who he was. should abortion be punished? there has to be some form of punishment. then he showed us. for 54 years, they were trying to get roe v wade terminated. and i did it. and i'm proud to have done it. now, donald trump wants to go further with plans to restrict birth control, ban abortion nationwide, even monitor women's pregnancies.

we know who donald trump is. he'll take control. we'll pay the price. i'm kamala harris, and i approved this message. ( ♪♪) you never want to lose your edge. and the lexus rx completely understands that. (♪♪) thursday night football on prime. it's on. ready to have some fun? yeah, let's do it.

the dallas cowboys take on the new york giants, as thursday night football is on. going deep! touchdown! it's dak prescott and the boys facing an old rival, -let's go! -the g-men you're not getting this anywhere else. stream thursday night football. only on prime. when you host, your bathroom can feel like a revolving door... keep things fresh with febreze small spaces. it's an outlet-free air freshener that fights odors for 45 days. so even after every flush... you know your bathroom smells amazing. ♪ lalalalala ♪ >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> how does that man do it? you know, we lead our lives, from work, we've got stress. this guy, what he does, the energy! he is relentless.

i think that is the perfect word. >> sorry. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ [♪ theme music playing] oh, good. kids, you're just in time for breakfast. no time, mom. the girl i stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00. i love a red-cheeked barbarian. how about you, meg? can't. i'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. god help me, i love the attention. well, it's just you and me, stewie.

what should we do today? i don't know, maybe forget everything that just happened? all right, there he is. -do you have his lunch ready? -lunch? this big boy has his first whole day of preschool today. oh, my god, is it september already? wow. so i have the whole day to myself. let's see. i... i guess i've got nothing to do except create an excuse to touch the target cashier lady i want to run away with. that'll be $6.11. oh, perfect. i have a dime and a penny. they're right here, in my hand, for you to take. [♪ melancholy music playing] [quietly] we could go to montana. i want to, but i can't. [whirring] esperanza, it's time to get back to work.