[sniffs] he was a brother. - i guess i couldn't say the cologne didn't work. thanks a lot, billy dee. - ♪ everybody hates chris ♪ - [whistling "dixie"] - hey, did you see a skinny black kid here the other night? - i did, and i'll tell you the same thing i told him. get lost. - oh, i'm going. just wanted to make sure it was you. the sheet makes you all look the same. [bright tone plays] - ♪ a beating ♪ - ♪ a beating ♪ - ♪ a beating ♪ - plant your back foot and swing, boys. all: ♪ a, a, a, a foot ♪ all up in, in, in your ass ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. j.d. vance won the vp debate! tim walz also won the vp debate! and triumph the insult comic dog poops on the spin room. so let's get into "indecision 2024!" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the big vice presidential debate, the only time these candidates will face off. well, in the united states. the european tour is kicking off next week. but for those of us who found it very exciting, there actually was one particular moment that everyone is talking about today. >> in what was the night's most contentious exchange, vance refused to acknowledge that donald trump lost the 2020 election. >> i would just ask that. did he lose the 2020 election? >> tim, i'm focused on the

future. >> michael: "i'm focused on the future?" i didn't know you could answer questions like that. next time my wife asks me why i forgot to pick up the kids, i'll say "hey, i'm focused on the future. where are the kids now?" or how about the next time i get pulled over? "do you know how fast you were going?" "i know how fast i am going. zero miles per hour. that's got to count for something, officer." but i appreciate j.d. vance. he's not focused on trump trying to steal the last election. he's focused on trump trying to steal the next election. and honestly, that is progress. but of course, it's not just the debate that matters. because yeah, some people form their opinion by watching it as it happens, but a lot more people form their opinion by watching other people's opinions. you know how you go to a fancy restaurant that took months to get reservations, it's so expensive, and at the end you're

thinking, "that was not very good," but then the people at your table are like, "that was the best meal i ever had," and then you're like, "you know what, it was pretty good! maybe putting cannellini beans in ice cream wasn't disgusting!" and that's why both parties put so much effort into spinning the debate results, because it's effective. so let's get to the real debate, the one between the pundits. starting with the conservatives. they thought j.d. vance did a great job, so they were very happy to spike the ball. >> it was quite obvious that j.d. vance won the debate tonight. i'm incredibly proud of j.d. >> had a fantastic performance. >> the future of the republican party is j.d. vance. >> kind of wiped the floor with tim walz. >> i don't think he could have done better under the circumstances. >> ten out of ten for j.d. vance. >> it was a master class. >> he looked humble. he looked earnest, sharp, 20 years younger than walz. he looked beautiful tonight. >> michael: "as a long time political expert, my analysis on j.d. vance:" ♪ you're beautiful ♪ ♪ you're beautiful ♪

♪ it's true ♪ [cheers and applause] [laughs] but yeah, it seemed like j.d. vance made his party proud last night. and i'm sure nobody was more proud than the big guy himself, donald trump. >> kristen, interesting little side note. at 10:02 p.m. eastern time, donald trump, this is in the middle of the debate, tweeted about the death of baseball great pete rose. >> "the great pete rose just died. he was one of the most magnificent baseball players ever to play the game. he paid the price! major league baseball should have allowed him into the hall of fame many years ago. do it now, before his funeral! >> michael: do it before the funeral? you don't have to bring the body to the hall of fame to swear him in. look, i want to rag on trump, but this is why he's so relatable. even when it's his vice president, he can't watch

the vp debate without being like, "let me just see what's on espn..." now that tweet may seem unrelated to the debate, but pete rose was a beloved figure who played for cincinnati, which is in ohio, which is next to several swing states. so the calculus here is -- actually, i'm just kidding. he was bored as shit. and seeing this tweet, it must've been rough for j.d. vance. it's like hitting a home run at your little league game, looking to the stands to see your dad's proud smiling face, and realizing he's at home tweeting about the death of pete rose. so that was the conservative reaction. on the liberal side, they kind of knew tim walz didn't crush it, so they were focused on subtly undermining j.d. vance's performance. see if you can pick it up! >> one of these candidates is much slicker than the other. >> j.d. vance was very slick. >> he is much more polished. he's slick. >> i've never seen someone so slick and smooth in not directly

answering questions. >> he talks a good game. you know, he was slick with it. >> he was good. he was too slick, maybe. >> a slick debater. >> he looked shifty, he looked slick. >> yes, he was slick. >> slick, slick, slick. >> michael: [laughs] thank god we have all these sharp political pundits to give us a broad array of opinions. they called him "slick" so much that i couldn't tell if tim walz was debating j.d. vance or moo deng. now that's a wet hippo! i don't think that sentence has ever been said on late night television. if you're wondering what they meant by "slick," "slick" is liberal-speak for "he was good and we're mad about it." it's such a back-handed compliment. if you look up "slick" in the dictionary, it says "smart, but in a bad, italian-american kind of way." [laughs] but look, it doesn't really matter who the pundits think won the debate. the only thing that matters is

whether the debate will have any effect on the election, and on that point, voters are answering with a resounding, "nope!" >> in a new cbs news poll, 42% said vance won versus 41% for walz. the rest said it was a tie. >> look at the cnn polling, it's very evenly split for vance 51% and walz 49%. >> michael: great! the entire debate was pointless and irrelevant. so in a way, it really did prepare them to be vice president! [laughter and applause] it's true. for more on the debate and its fallout, we go live to the spin room with troy iwata. [cheers and applause] troy, can you give us a substantive analysis of the debate and what it revealed about the candidates' actual policies? >> uh, no. nobody goes to the spin room to talk policy, michael. that's like going to coachella

to hear music. we go for the drugs. policy is so boring. it's much more fun to talk about who won and who's the big dumb sucky loser who sucks. >> michael: but how can you tell who won the debate then? it's so subjective. it's not like there's a point system. >> yeah, there is. my point system. i give candidates points based on their statements and presentation. it's an objective, dignified series of metrics that i call troy's suck-o-meter. >> michael: i don't know if that's a good name. >> okay. well, you can call your point system something dumb, like, i don't know, michael's suck-o-meter. >> michael: fine. so how did the troy suck-o-meter rate the candidates? >> well, let's start with general presentation. tim walz had such an honest, sincere look on his face that said, "america really needs this." and i found that desperate. so i docked him two points for

being needy. and then, on the other hand, j.d. vance had those dreamy blue eyes, so that's plus five points. but they were almost, like, too blue, right? like if chucky came to life and had a lot of opinions about the uterus. so that's minus three. >> michael: okay, but what about their positions? >> i'm getting there! at one point, tim walz was giving his position on climate change. and while he was droning on about that, i noticed something important: his american flag pin, it had some dimension. it wasn't just a 2d flag. it had a wave to it. a point of view. and i like that. so ten points! [cheers and applause] >> michael: ten points? >> oh, and i thought j.d. vance had a very compelling answer about how much donald trump saved obamacare, so plus 10 for that. >> michael: but no, that's

exactly what i'm talking about. trump tried to kill obamacare! j.d. vance was lying. >> okay, fine -- plus nine points, whatever. ooh, okay, norah and margaret looked great up there. classy and demure. they get three points for that. but i'll store them with walz since they don't have their own score. >> michael: this is so incredibly unscientific. are you done with this? >> i have one more. walz had a really bad moment where he forget what month he was in china 30 years ago, so that's minus two points. and then on the other hand, j.d. vance supports the overthrow of the u.s. government, so that's also minus two points. >> michael: no, no, those two can't be equal! >> okay! i'm sure the michael-suck-o-meter will reflect that! but based on my objective analysis, the debate was a tie. >> michael: you did this whole report, and you didn't even talk about their stances on childcare, the war in the middle east, lgbt issues, anything. >> wow, okay, it sounds like you

actually watched the debate and carefully analyzed it and everything. so that's minus ten billion points for you. so i guess you lost the vp debate, michael. >> michael: whoa! i wasn't even in that debate! troy iwata, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we sent a special correspondent to the spin room. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] popeyes crispy, juicy, tender signature chicken

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." after a debate like the one last night, reporters and politicians gather into the spin room, where they try to explain why their candidate won. it's a place of dignity and gravitas, so we sent over a special correspondent to attend. >> welcome to the 2024 vice presidential debate. the debate between one man who thinks trump is a mentally ill fascist psychopath, and tim walz. it is a great battle between j.d. vance and what he looks like after four years as trump's vice president. that marks the third debate of this election that joe biden will sleep through. and as you can see, the atmosphere in the spin room is electric. quiet, everyone. the debate is just about to start, and here in the spin room, there is a palpable, dead silence, that one can only compare to the sound melania

makes when donald trump is inside her. >> so there is an application called the cbp one app where you can go on as an illegal migrant -- >> so far, the candidates have been quite civil and respectful to each other. yes. glorying! -- boring! what do you think so far? >> very substantive. >> substantive, i know. i want to turn to the show about the menendez brothers. those guys have much more. >> for all of us here at "cbs news," thank you and good night. ♪ ♪ >> now the people are reacting to the debate. rachel maddow said it was a slam dunk the democrats. but mark robinson said the video was so boring, he couldn't even finish. and here with illinois governor, j.b. pritzker. everyone loves tim walz, right? he is so cute with his round face. he is like a cabbage patch adults. >> on the one hand, a guy who has got real hard. on the other side, you've got a

guy who is frankly, the more concerned might be eating dogs. so i'm worried about you. >> you know what, i was concerned about you, i have to be honest. [laughs] for a second, you looked at me like i was a chocolatey claire. i swear. how do you think tampon tim did? >> i remember, in the boys room. >> in the bathroom. >> why did he do that? >> here is what really makes no sense. if he's okay with putting tampons in the bathroom, what is his big problem with installing a couple of douchebags in the white house? legendary senator and former astronaut mark kelly. as a former astronaut, you have any plans to reveal the name of j.d. vance's home planet? >> you know, that stuff is classified. >> he just doesn't want to get caught up. >> it is a big moment. >> something is funny over here. i smell piss and cocaine. there we go.

been waiting to talk to the great senator katie britt who is post-state of the union speech last january is now considered a halloween holiday classic. how do you feel about j.d. vance? is it hard to see your dad ignoring someone besides you? i guess, none of these republicans think they will talk to a liberal ""daily show"" dog but i do know who they would talk to. >> who wants some spin from the hulkster? what are you going to do when j.d.'s mascara runs wild, rather! what are you going to do when i asked for a lift home, brother? how about some bus fare, brother? the hulkster needs bus fare? who is that behind me! is that a democrat? oh, yeah. jasmine crockett. she is going down! >> to protect them, and they

don't have -- >> brother, you are lucky i don't throw a punch at you right now. the hulkster is here to spin the debate for you! >> i have met hulk hogan. you are not hulk hogan. >> listen to me, jake tapper, i did not spend my career beating up immigrants to let that kamala take over! people got to understand, i know kamala. back when she was kamala the ugandan giant. >> what's going on? >> oh, van jones. hi, van. >> i am here to spin. >> jake. >> what we saw tonight -- you are weeping. >> [crying] >> what we saw tonight was two men coming together, putting aside their differences, and focusing on the issues. [crying] i can't hold it together.

it was so beautiful, jake! [crying] >> that is not -- that is not how he cries. >> who's got a question for meemaw? the meemaw of j.d. vance. hi, jake. it is meemaw. but it is spelled mama. sorry. >> did you make these? >> you jewish people don't know how it is spelled. it's okay. >> what makes you think i am jewish? >> things aren't that bad, jake. you don't have to deny it. my boy, my little j.d. is the american dream. he started out in rural ohio, and now all the people he grew up with can turn on the tv and say, there is the hometown boy who was going to cut off my medicaid! >> there is moments there that i think walz let it slide and

allowed -- >> triumph, we are live on cnn. this is try out the insult -- >> this is how you know it is almost 1:00 a.m. i don't know that you are mic'd. we are not going to make fun of j.d. vance project is grant other. >> how about the hulkster? >> this is triumph signing off from the greatest presidential debate in history, for me to poop on. [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you, triumph. when we come back, jelani cobb will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] agent: so what did you think of the, the pitch i emailed you?

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the dean of the columbia journalism school and staff writer at "the new yorker" who is featured in the new pbs documentary "one person, one vote?" >> but we don't really talk about the fact that thomas jefferson derived so much of his power from southern voters who were being subsidized by the three-fifths compromise. >> ordinary americans take a look at this and they say, wait a minute. jefferson is winning by eight electoral votes, but 12 electoral votes are just because of slavery. if you took those out of the equation, adams would have won. >> michael: please welcome back jelani cobb! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

all right, all right, all right. thank you for coming on. >> thank you. >> michael: thank you for coming on. the electoral college. most americans cast their vote and they think it is for the president. >> president, right. >> michael: who are they actually voting for? who are we actually voting for? >> they are actually voting for a slate of electors that are pledged to in turn vote for that particular candidate. and if your candidate wins that state, you will send a slate of electors who will be the people who are responsible for making sure that your person actually achieves the office that they had been elected to. >> michael: 90% of our audience just said, "what the [bleep]?" >> i know. [laughs] we are the only place in the world that has this system. it doesn't make any sense. nobody else around the world understands it. most of us in this country don't understand that. so it is one of those kind of peculiarities of american politics. >> michael: why do we have it? what is one of the big reasons we have it? >> so one of the reasons that we have it, a really fundamental

reason we have it is to balance out the political power of large states and smaller states. now that is a generic answer. >> michael: yes. >> the real answer is that it was a means by which slaveholders would be able to use the bodies of the people they were holding in slavery to count in the census in order to give them additional political power, because the constitution also has the three fifths clause, which allows them to count 60% of the enslaved population. in 1860, that meant 2.4 million people who were enslaved were counted in the census when you determined how much congressional representation in the south would have. now bear in mind, this is a country that owes its existence to a war fought over the idea of no taxation without representation. >> michael: right. >> slaves cannot vote. >> michael: right. >> but the 4 million people who are enslaved in the south are

counted as part of the political system that gives the authority to southern voters. >> michael: is "contradiction" too soft of a word? >> i think hypocrisy is a better word. >> michael: hypocrisy. you are the dean of the columbia journalism school. what does the average american not understand about news, trustworthy news, trustworthy journalism? >> i think that because people don't understand the process and the methodology of reporting and journalism, it is easy to believe that we just kind of go back to our cubicles and make stuff up, or that we walk into the room and we say, like, who do we want to win the debate? we decide that vance won the debate? that is what we will go with. but really, there's a lot of work that goes into everything that we do that requires a great deal of skill and craft to be able to go into an environment that you may or may not be familiar with to find out what is going on, to interview people

who may be reluctant to talk to you, to get facts, and then turn those facts into something that people can consume. you have editors, you have fact-checkers, you have copy editors that we really do work very hard at producing the information that we have. and that there is a difference between the information that you can get from a vetted, qualified source, and what you may get from just a random guy's youtube station. >> michael: what is good in the news right now? not necessarily the stories. but in the idea of journalism and news. what is a positive that you see? >> a real positive is that we have lots of people who each day, despite all the difficulties, despite all the discouragement and even some of the distrust, we have people every day who wake up and go out and report and we have a dedicated corps of journalists in this country, people who even believe that the public's perception, the public being informed, is more important than their own safety.

that is something that i never take for granted. [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank god we have those journalists. thank you very much for talking with us. >> thank you. >> michael: "one person, one vote?" is now available to stream on the pbs app. jelani cobb, everybody. we are going to take a quick break and we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: world central kitchen is on the ground in north carolina, florida, tennessee, and georgia providing meals to communities impacted by hurricane helene. if you can, please support this amazing organization by going to the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> they let hannity an end they were a lot about the dog puppet in and they had not let me in and i am going, c come on, guys. >> the dog puppet was advocating, the "the daily show" dog puppet was advocating for the senator. >> the dog puppet actually said, claire should go in before the dog puppet. dog puppet. i said, thank you for that. - the 1980s was all about "the sally jessy raphael show." she was a white lady with three names, two shoulder pads, and one concept-- worrying people about nothing.

bye, mom. - okay. be safe out there, drew, chris, or tonya. - up next, we're gonna discuss the dangers of brothers who aren't friends. [audience murmuring] - [gasps] - distant siblings today, crackheads and murderers tomorrow. - why aren't you and drew going to school together? - uh, we don't really hang out there. [funky music] [laughter] - what? y'all ain't friends at school? do you want him to be a crackhead murderer? - no? - you and your brother should be inseparable, like best friends. - [sighs] - i don't want him ending up in the wrong crowd. you better stick to each other like cain and abel. - she just read "the bible for dummies." why? drew's friends are harmless. most of them belong to a dojo. - dojo one day, white blow the next. it's your job to look out for him. and if you don't, you're gonna have to look out for this. [suspenseful musical sting] [upbeat hip-hop music]

- [panting] drew! wait. wouldn't it be fun if you rode the bus today with me? please? - mm, okay, sure. go on without me. all: aw. - this is the worst day of my life. - [sighs] crap. jerome's out on the stoop today. - what's up, little dude from across the street? let me hold a dollar. [ethereal choral vocalization] oh, my black jesus. let me give you a dollar. - uh? - thanks. this will replace the one i lost doing magic. - and here's a little something for you, drew's brother. - ow. what the f-- [bus horn honks] shoot. [honking continues] ♪ ♪ - [growls] no seats. - here you go, drew. take mine. - [grunts] here, drew. please, sit. - whoo!