- it's you. i'm married. - i'm the mistress? - okay, everybody, let's take this next hill. - excuse me. yeah, i'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this. - you know what? you had your chance. you're no leader. up out of your seat, let's blast! - don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill. - no! the hill's a trap. let's take the dirt road off to the side. - no, guys, no. we're just cooling down-- - if they catch us, they will rape us. go for the cliff. and three, two, one-- jump! no! you're dead, you're dead, you're dead. good jump. you're barely alive. okay, now nice cooldown. check your pulse rate. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. gambling addicts have a new sport to bet on, costco's out of toilet paper again, and charlamagne tha god is here to tell us who's working the polls. so let's get right into headlines! come on! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] the presidential election is just 34 days away. and if you thought the stakes couldn't get any higher, well, good news: now they can! >> well, you could soon see folks betting on the outcome of this year's congressional elections. that's because a federal appeals court declined to block a lower court's decision allowing it. it is a blow for a government agency that argue doing so could undermine election integrity. >> michael: place ya bets! place ya bets! democracy may fall, but your bank account doesn't have to!

okay, yeah, okay! thank you. but yes, betting on elections is about to be legal. which is great for everyone who wishes they could see even more fanduel ads. but seriously, this is shameful. why are we betting on congressional races when this country could collapse into a fascist dictatorship? because that's what i want to bet on! you know? if i could parlay a fascist takeover with the over-under on the jets game, ooh, baby, i'm in the money! this is the last thing american democracy needed. "hey, honey, how did voting go?" "ugh, i stood in line for hours, then when i finally got to the booth, tony "the shark fin" gambino threatened to shank me if my vote doesn't help him cover the spread." but let's move on to a pretty big story that happened this week. you might not know this, but when you order a foam roller or stapler on amazon, it's not just magically made on your doorstep by elves. no, it's made in china by

children. and then it's put on a ship and sent to america, where dock workers take it off the ship. but right now, those dock workers aren't taking anything off any ship. >> a port strike by some 50,000 dock workers across the east and gulf coast entering its third day this morning. >> the u.s. dock workers are fighting for higher pay and for protections against automation. essentially, robots taking their jobs. >> workers say foreign-owned shipping companies have made record profits and they want a piece of the pie for their hard work. >> we want to work! we're just saying we need fair wages! how the hell can i go work at mcdonald's and make what i'm making now? makes no sense! >> michael: okay! good message! not a very easy chant. "we want work! according to some schools of philosophic thought, it's in man's nature to work! but we also have material needs that must be addressed! it's the tension between these two conflicting dynamics that

has resulted in our collective labor action!" [cheers and applause] [laughs] thank you. so yes, the dock workers are on strike, which my researchers tell me threatens the u.s. economy, because longshoremen play an important role in the supply chain. and believe me, their leader makes that very clear. >> people never gave a [bleep] about us until now when they finally realized that the chain is being broke now. you know how many people depend on our jobs? half the world! >> let's get a contract and let's move on with this world and in today's world, i'll cripple you. i will cripple you and you have no idea what that means. >> michael: hey, hey, man, don't cripple me! i'm not a shipping conglomerate! leave me out of it! i'm just a guy who addresses his mild anxiety with the dopamine hit of spending $70 on amazon every day! now you could argue that the

phrase "i'll cripple you" is a little aggro coming from a union boss. but i'll tell you what has never worked, is when workers to say, "hi, excuse me, for-profit multinational company? i was just kind of wondering if you had some extra money you didn't want? maybe we could have it?" so that's why he went with "i'll cripple you." now you might be thinking, "hey, being crippled sounds like a bad thing, just pay these guys more so that doesn't happen." but some people think they get paid enough already, so this probably isn't helping. >> he does have a bit of a lavish lifestyle. he's got a $2.4 million home in sparta, new jersey. he's got a bentley, which he's been known to drive around town in. he's also got a $1.4 million home, according to newsweek, in highland beach, florida. elon musk made a really interesting post on x. he said, dude has more yachts than me. >> michael: this is what i love about america. everyone's cool if a tech ceo,

or movie star, or tiktoker who farts on cakes has a big house, but if you're working hard labor, they're like, "you should sleep in a bunk bed at your mother's house just like the rest of us!" look, i get it. [cheers and applause] this is not what you expect when you think of a longshoreman. you think of a crusty old guy who lives in a shack and has sex with a mermaid, be it through some sort of fish vagina thing, or maybe they're doing oral if there is no vagina -- what was i talking about again? anyway, despite the bad optics, the longshoremen have a lot of political support in this fight. both kamala harris and donald trump are backing the striking workers, a sign that, even in these polarized times, both candidates really want to win the election in a few weeks. and you might be wondering, "how can i help support these striking dock workers?" just kidding, you're wondering, "is this going to affect me?" unfortunately, it might. >> analysts expect you'll start

to see pressure on the prices you pay or possible shortages if this lasts another one to two weeks. >> a prolonged strike could impact banana shipments, new car deliveries, imported chocolate and alcohol, to name just a few. >> michael: oh, no! bulldozers, medicine, and hearing aids are one thing, but please, god, don't make me eat domestic chocolate. it's swiss or nothing! chocolate has to look like one of those things that keep me from backing up after i rent a car! and no more banana shipments? every sex ed teacher must be freaking out right now this is how they demonstrate how to put on a condom! what are they going to use now, zucchini? penises don't look like zucchini! penises look exactly like bananas. so the strike could affect the supply of lots of things, but this is america, and there's one product that we care about more than any other.

>> with news of 45,000 dockworkers going on strike, americans are snapping up all the essential items they can get their hands on, especially toilet paper. >> it's happening again. panic buying for toilet paper. social media is flooded with empty store shelves. people are stocking up on essentials like toilet paper. >> we sold out of toilet paper by 11:30 a.m. >> michael: to be fair, even if you buy one package of toilet paper at costco, it looks like you're panic buying toilet paper. but you know who should really be taking advantage of these panic runs? big bidet! [cheers and applause] this is bidet's time to shine. bidets. power wash your asshole.

[cheers and applause] [laughs] you almost laughed too early. but look, i have good news for people who are engaging in hand-to-hand combat in the costco aisles. a port strike is not going to affect your toilet paper supply. >> no one needs to be panicking about where their next tp is coming from. america makes toilet paper. we do not import it. >> michael: you see? we do still make things in america! toilet paper and apps where you can bet on your next senator. nothing else. for more on the dock workers strike, we go live to grace kuhlenschmidt. [cheers and applause] grace, i see you're down at costco. >> that's right. i'm here to report on the supply chain, and i also needed a five-pack of honda civics. >> michael: okay, so how are people reacting to the strike? >> not well. everybody is panic buying, myself included. i've been loading up on florida

oranges, and idaho potatoes, and new jersey dirt. >> michael: grace, all of those products are domestic. >> oh, wow, so because i'm a woman buying them, that makes them domestic? you're [bleep] up in the head! >> michael: no, that's not it! i'm just saying, the shipping only affects international products. chocolate, batteries, bulldozers. >> oh, shit! not bulldozers! i'm going trench-digging this weekend! and i was supposed to bring the dozers! >> michael: grace, at this point, it seems like the panic buying is causing more problems than the port shutting down. >> yeah, that's right. people need to know, you don't need to hoard toilet paper. if supplies are low, just pool together with your neighbors and everyone can take the two squares a week they need. >> michael: two squares a week? that seems low. i use a lot more than that. >> you use more than two squares a week? >> michael: yeah, a lot of people do... right? >> michael, i have never heard

of anybody needing more than two squares a week. do you ever stop shitting? >> michael: look, let's not discuss that right now. how about this. do you think the strike is going to get resolved any time soon? >> well, it's not clear. president biden says he's trying to make peace between the two sides, and based on how that usually goes, there's probably going to be a regional war in a few weeks. [audience reacts] [applause] speaking of explosions, how many squares a week do you use? >> michael: honestly, i've never really counted. >> too many to count? michael, you need to go see a hole doctor. i think you're dying. >> michael: i'll call my hole doctor after this. so what should people do if their costco runs out of toilet paper? >> well, michael, i'm starting to think the toilet paper shortage is less of a supply issue and more of a michael issue. you need to quit toilet paper. go cold turkey. from here on out, wipe your ass with cold turkey. i mean, i'm at costco. i can pick you up 25 pounds. do you want hickory smoked or

honey baked? >> michael: grace, please. honey baked. grace kuhlenschmidt, everybody! [cheers and applause] when we come back, charlamagne will make sure trump doesn't steal the election. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] ♪♪ this kia turbo-hybrid is built for all the things you've yet to do. like taking a long drive. just to throw a monster tailgate party at an away game. ♪♪ brisket anyone? ♪♪

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>> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." we all know i've got great opinions, but i'm not the only one. studies show that other people also have opinions, so here with another installment of "in my opinion" is our good friend, charlamagne tha god! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> okay, election day is just one month away, and i don't want to spoil it for you, but i already know the results: donald trump is going to declare victory. yes. he'll declare victory if he wins. and he'll steal it if he loses. trump has never accepted a loss in his life. you really think the first time he's going to be cool about it is if he loses to a black woman? trump hasn't had a good relationship with a black woman since they took aunt jemima off the syrup. and how do i know he's going to try to steal this election if he loses? he tried to steal the last one!

okay? jack smith just dropped another 165-page court document about it! and if there's one thing i've learned from heist movies, it's that there's always a sequel. "ocean's 11," "ocean's 12," "ocean's 13," "ocean's 8?" y'all need to learn to count! i'm not saying donald trump is danny ocean. but he did bankrupt more casinos. and in 2024, trump's getting his crew back together: putting a team of maga loyalists on the inside to get him past security. we know, because they literally told us. >> the republican national committee recently invited the guy known for helping spread the pizzagate conspiracy to speak to g.o.p. volunteers about how to monitor elections in michigan. jack pesobic, a conservative political activist, said the key to elections is that, quote, "it doesn't matter who votes. it matters who counts the votes." >> that's why it's so important to be in the room, in the counting room this time. this is what we've trained tens of thousands of people for. >> we're going to take over the election apparatus. >> we're taking over the

republican party, the precinct committee strategy. we're taking over all the elections. >> that's right, trump's recruiting more people to work the polls than magic city. poll workers and poll watchers are supposed to be impartial, but they got a whole army of karens to police the polling place like it's a juneteenth cookout. "officer, this voter says her name is lashonda. you'd better send a whole swat team now." and it's a little surprising that steve bannon is just saying this plan openly, but what else is he going to do on his podcast? drop his skin care routine? "bro, let us know what embalming fluid you use!" maybe he died with it, maybe it's maybelline! [applause] the heist crew is starting to come together. and this should be raising all kinds of alarms. but trump thought of that too, and he's got people in position to cut the wires on those alarms. specifically, state groups in charge of election oversight boards.

those groups rejected his claims last time. but this time, they've brought in over 80 officials whose main qualification is denying the 2020 election. yes. and trump loves these people. how do we know? again, because he told us! >> i don't know if you've heard but the georgia state election board is in a very positive way. they're doing a great job, three members, janice johnson, rick jeffries, and janelle king. are they here? where are are they? where are they? where are they? thank you. what a job, thank you! [cheers and applause] >> i don't know if i need to say this, but we should be suspicious when a candidate is shouting out the names of election board members. imagine lebron james praising the refs by name before the game. "holy shit, is that steve and ricky over there? oh, we traveling tonight!" appointing election deniers is

like if delta hired a pilot whose linkedin just said "plane crash enthusiast." but trump's got them ready to certify him as the winner of the next election. let's see, what else does a heist need? oh, yeah, they got to create a distraction. cue the demolitions experts. >> in georgia today, the state election board passed a new rule that will require poll workers to count all ballots by hand. it's the latest in a series of changes by the pro-trump majority on the board, and it would require three people to count every ballot in every precinct on election night or the day after. >> poll workers are warning this rule change could cause complete chaos by taking up too much time, money, and almost certainly producing counting errors. >> count by hand? no one does anything by hand anymore, except maybe lauren boebert. [audience reacts] this is going to cause chaos, and that's the point. the more of a mess election day becomes, the more trump can

demand that his people in congress step in to "fix it." what are democrats going to do about it? sue? sure, go ahead and take it to the supreme court. they'll probably discover a clause in the constitution that lets trump steal the election. it's right next to the presidential immunity clause! so this whole thing is being planned very carefully. but a heist isn't all about the brains, it's also about the brawn. which is why every crew needs some muscle. >> the brennan center's 2024 annual survey of local election officials found that 38% of them have experienced threats, harassment, or abuse, while 7 in 10 local election officials feel that threats have increased since 2020. >> that prompted me to start talking with the sheriff about, you know, personal safety. he recommended that i wear a ballistic vest whenever i feel necessary. i wear one pretty much every single day. >> these poor guys are wearing ballistic vests every day? they're election workers, not managers of a waffle house. you know what the worst part about all this is:

trump is only able to plan this heist because nobody stopped him after the last one! and now people are saying the only option to stop donald trump is to vote? but you don't stop a dictator through voting. you stop a dictator through laws. and we have the laws, but it took merrick garland two years to even think about prosecuting him under those laws. pray to god, if you ever catch a murder charge, you get merrick garland as your prosecutor. i bet merrick garland showed up to o.j.'s funeral with handcuffs. "what do you mean it's too late?" point is, i just wish donald trump had to deal with the same consequence for trying to steal an election that danny ocean did for stealing from a casino. spoiler alert! they put danny ocean's ass in jail! you don't give someone the chance to steal again. because the greatest democracy on earth should at least be as secure as a casino. and while we're at it, polling places should also have a buffet. but that's just my opinion. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> michael: charlamagne tha god, everybody! when we come back, jj johnson will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause] we've never spoken. but you've told us many things. that you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. the lexus es didn't begin in a studio — it began with you. ♪♪ brisket is back at chipotle. seasoned. smoked. seared. spiced. sauced. bowl'd. and gauc'd. it's a whole new kind of brisket,

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yeah, i got beer on the burger. gametime! your cousin from boston make anything a tailgate with sam adams octoberfest. (cheering) it's sam season [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a celebrity chef and founder of fieldtrip and author of the best-selling cookbook, "the simple art of rice." please welcome jj johnson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

yes! cooking. >> i know, it's amazing. >> michael: these people love rice. >> that is what's up. >> michael: this is a beautiful book. >> thank you. >> michael: congratulations on it. before we even get into the book, i love this picture. all of this rice. >> there's so much rice. >> michael: all this rice. the beautiful color of rice. i mean, in my, like, north american white culture, i'm like, there's two different rices? >> so much more than two different rices. >> michael: so much more than two different rices. >> everybody's backyard has rice. new jersey has rice. hudson valley has rice. >> michael: what are you talking about? there is rice? >> there is rice everywhere in america. >> michael: you love rice. why? >> i grew up in my grandmother's kitchen with rice. she used to make a soupy rice dish that she would drink out of a coffee cup in the morning and kind of pass around to everybody. and then i started to hate rice. >> michael: because your family --

>> because people can't cook it, you get sticky rice or hard rice. and then i went to ghana to cook and i went to west african and ghana to cook, i was a at a grandmother's table, everyone was running around the table, and i wanted the goat. when i got to the jollof, i was like, this is amazing! and i need to figure out how to cook rice well so i started doing heavily research around rice for eight years, nine years. but yes, rice is here in the u.s., and north america, very disrespected. >> michael: okay. >> i think it's the disrespected ingredient. it has tons of history behind it. but it's more than a side dish. it makes your life so much easier. because when you cook the simple pot of rice, you each some, you put it in the fridge, you let it cool down properly, and then you are like, what can i do tomorrow with this rice? and then you make fried rice. >> michael: hell yeah. [laughter] i was looking at this yesterday hungry and i am like, this is the worst book to look at

hungry. fieldtrip is your first restaurant in harlem. >> yes. >> michael: and it is delicious. it is accessible. >> yes, it is. >> michael: it is healthy. how did we end up at fieldtrip, how did we end up at harlem? you have other locations as well. >> my dad is from harlem. and i never thought i would ever open a restaurant in harlem. when i first moved to new york city from pennsylvania, i lived with my two aunts, that really schooled me on harlem. and harlem is a great community of folks. and when you go to open a business, you have to think of who is going to walk through your doors? i was like, okay, my cousin is going to walk through the door, christina is going to walk through the door, my aunt is going to walk through the door. for me, when i look at a community like harlem, i want people to be able to eat good for your food. >> michael: yes, i like that. >> there is not enough of that in a lot of working-class communities in america. so fieldtrip gives you a chance to say, today, i will

consciously eat better because i know the chef cares, the restaurant owner cares. the people working in there from the community, and that is what we started off in harlem and rice is culture. there is so much culture running through the streets. we have been fortunate to have a location at rockefeller center, one in front of columbia university, one in bahamas at the atlantis. >> michael: i should have gone there to research this book. instead, they sent me to rockefeller center. thank you for coming and chatting with us. your book is beautiful. your restaurant is delicious. >> thank you. >> michael: i really appreciate it and i got to cook the spicy lamb. >> the cinnamon-spiced lamb rice, got to buy black rice because black rice is the goat of all rice. >> michael: you know what they say, once you go black... [cheers and applause] thank you for having me. "the simple art of rice" is available now. check out "just eats" on cleo tv. chef jj johnson! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

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but when you get your tools from harbor freight something about the job feels a little different - your wallet. because we believe no matter what you're working on you need high quality tools at a great price. and that's what we're all about. ♪♪ whatever you do, do it for less, at harbor freight. ♪♪ popeyes crispy, juicy, tender signature chicken is the meal your craving deserves. and now you can get 3 pieces of the chicken you crave for just $5. we don't make sense. we make chicken. ♪ love that chicken from popeyes. ♪ ( ♪♪) you never want to lose your edge. and the lexus rx completely understands that. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> are you seeing any panic

buying? >> yes, toilet paper! okay, why are people stocking up on toilet paper? [laughter] what is going on? >> and did you hear him? stop hoarding my toilet paper. >> stop me! [laughter] [laughter] >> ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ well, here we are. oh, and if you hear the guys call me "poopy thumb", i-it's just a fun nickname, it's not something that actually happened. hey, poopy thumb.

it was gulden's spicy brown mustard from my sandwich. how many times do i have to say it? [chuckles] okay. no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw. hi, everyone. i'm your children's teacher, miss laura, and like pretty much everyone in america right now, i'm very high on legalized edible pot. ha-ha. [inhales sharply] it's crazy how much your kids look like you. wha... peter, pay attention. sorry, i was having a fast times daydream about that tank top mom. yeah, that's disgusting. how would you like it if she did that to you? [♪ "moving in stereo" by the cars plays] [peter] i chocked on water and had to get mouth-to-mouth from a guy. [all] five, four,