these children have turned your house into a den of sin! pharaoh, did you allow this? - uh, as a responsible youth leader and a respected member of this church community, i just want you to know, chris did it! - hey, come on, guys. we had fun, right? - stone him! - judas! - [grunts] jeez, jesus. you too? - yes, for playing east coast rap in my house. everyone knows i like nwa. - [groans] singers: ♪ everybody still hates chris ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got so much to talk about tonight. kamala's packing heat, trump's sleeping in the buff, and i get to yell at ronny chieng. but first, let's get into it with another installment of "indecision 2024!" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] we are just 26 days away from the election. that's less than one menstrual cycle, according to the period app j.d. vance is secretly tracking you with. so with less than a month to go, both campaigns are going all out. starting with democratic nominee kamala harris, who has been everywhere recently: news shows, daytime talk shows, satellite radio, podcasts, your kid's piano recital. she applauded, but seriously, chopsticks? i mean, you can do better, arlo!

and this media blitz is not a moment too soon, because voters are looking for change, and kamala needs to articulate why she's the candidate of change. she's had plenty of time to think about it, so let's see her answer. >> if anything, would you have done something differently than president biden during the past four years? >> there is not a thing that comes to mind. [audience reacts] >> jordan: not a thing is coming into your mind? you really are continuing the biden legacy. come on, come on, madame vp, this is an opportunity to differentiate yourself from an unpopular administration. surely you would do something different. >> listen, i plan on having a republican in my cabinet. you asked me. >> oh, my god, i missed -- >> you asked me what is the difference between joe biden and me. well, that will be one of the differences. i'm going to have a republican on my cabinet.

>> jordan: okay. everything joe biden did, plus republicans. sneaky move! appealing to republicans by promising to do a diversity hire, which they famously love! now that she said that, i'm sure she's set. she won't go too far in trying to appeal to conservatives. >> i have a glock. >> jordan: okay! easy, mdam vice president! i have a family! i guess in these times, you do have to reach out to people who wouldn't be your natural allies. and obviously, she gets that. >> you have my sword >> and you have my bow. >> and my axe. >> i have a glock.

[applause] >> jordan: that was very dumb. but as kamala reaches out to republicans, her republican opponent, donald trump, has been sitting down for podcast interviews. which are great, because there's more of a free-wheeling conversation there that allows him to really dig deep into the issues. >> i'm good with names. >> you are, you're very good with. >> pocahontas. [laughter] we have names. >> what about and there is, you tampon tim was good. what about him? >> the problem with tampon tim, it's hard to say. >> yeah. >> it's a mouthful but when you put the names together, it's a little, you got to be able to "pume." >> jordan: it's so nice to see how reflective trump has become in his old age. "looking back on everything, i wonder... did tampon tim have enough "pume?" meanwhile, the trump campaign has brought out a very special surrogate: melania trump, former first lady, and the only slovenian you can name off the top of your head.

we don't see a lot of melania, but she's also been on a media tour this week: fox news, social media, your kid's piano recital. "arlo, you are not be best." now obviously, she's out there because she's a supportive wife who believes in her husband's america first -- i'm [bleep] with you. she has a book to sell! you know, people make a lot of jokes about this marriage. but when i look at their shared love of exploiting our political system to sell shit for personal profit... i just see two soulmates. we actually have a copy here! [cheers and applause] this is it. this is her book. i want to read you a quick passage just to give you a feel for it. this is real. page 78, from right after he won the 2016 election. "as donald prepared to go down to his office on wednesday morning, he and i had a private moment.

"congratulations," i said. "what an achievement. all those other people, and you won. you're the president of the united states of america." "and you're the first lady," he said. "good luck." i got to wipe away a tear! that is a heartwarming moment that definitely wasn't created by chatgpt. turns out writing is hard when you don't have michelle obama to plagiarize from. [cheers and applause] it is hard. it's very difficult, very difficult. and yesterday, melania paid a visit to her husband's other true love, fox news, where she revealed an interesting personal tidbit about her husband. >> would you have married donald trump if you had a crystal ball that said he would be president? >> huh. that is an interesting question. >> [laughter] >> by the way, does he ever

sleep? >> he doesn't sleep much. he does, of course, he needs to. >> does he wear pajamas? >> no. >> no. what does he wear when he sleeps, melania? [laughter] >> well, one of the things, one of the things she -- >> jordan: ooh. no pajamas, huh? that's a steamy image! i can just imagine that scene: trump under the covers, dressed only in his long red tie. melania says, "you are naked in bed," and he says, "and you are the first lady. good luck." wow. [cheers and applause] oof, pretty sexy stuff. but maybe hearing about donald trump's bedtime routine from melania doesn't get your engines revving. fortunately, the campaign also brought out someone for the ladies. >> former senior advisor to president trump, stephen miller, is here. we're getting a lot of texts

from women about miller and his appearances and his appearance. our audience at "primetime" believes you're some sort of sexual matador. >> jordan: ooh! stephen miller is a sexual matador? is that because he's literally a walking red flag? fox, i got to say, i'm worried about you. you already had to pay $780 million for lying to your audience, but this could be the one that bankrupts you. i mean, come on, i do believe stephen miller is a real lady killer, but more so in a check the basement kind of way. you know what, i'll bite. what does make stephen miller such catnip for the females? >> if you are a young man who's looking to impress the ladies, the best thing you can do is to wear your trump support on your sleeve. show that you are a real man. show that you are not a beta. >> jordan: ooh! he's so alpha he doesn't even

know how to say "beta!" wow. did you hear that? do you hear that? that sound you just heard was thousands of southern borders instantly shutting down. i'm talking about -- you know what i am -- did you get that? [applause] you hear that, men? do you listen to stephen miller? don't be a beta cuck and vote for kamala harris. come out to this sweet rally where a guy double jerks to ymca. [cheers and applause] apparently, it does get people going. now maybe you're thinking, jordan, you started this show talking about the election and now it seems to be a lot of sex stuff. well, first of all, mom, i've tried to explain how the show works many times. but also, sexuality is a campaign issue this year.

project 2025 calls for banning pornography. and some other big news from the last few days is that the porn industry is making their own campaign ads against it. >> they have started a "hands off my porn" campaign, which includes video ads that roll before the porn does on adult video-providing websites. >> i'm holly randall, and i've been working in the adult industry for over 25 years. i need to address the threat of project 2025. >> jordan: yes, my favorite porn category! informational psa! but don't just go snickering, "ooh, pornography." this is an issue of personal freedom, and these are the people who can speak to it most directly. so let's hear more of these ads. >> before you get swept up believing that porn is misogynistic, maybe actually talk to the people who work in it. i don't see you guys out there crying about how men are exploited in porn. have you seen those

ball crushing videos? not my thing, but again, that's a choice made by consenting adults. >> jordan: [laughs] i must say, it's strangely comforting to know that there are things on the internet that even porn stars look at and go, "man, what the [bleep]?" if you ask me, though, the big problem with these ads is that they're running them before the porn video starts. you really should run them after the porn videos, when there's clarity of mind. that's when i write my holiday cards. frankly, if you want to be truly effective, all you need to do is just show people what porn would look like under project 2025! ♪ ♪ >> i think she wants you. >> she is hard-core -- we are in a shocking situation. ♪ ♪

>> jordan: when we come back, we'll fight about sports. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

we've never spoken. but you've told us many things. that you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. the lexus es didn't begin in a studio — it began with you. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." with the election dominating the news cycle, let's take a break from politics to cover the one thing that really affects your life: sports. for a full recap of the biggest stories in the world of jocks and straps, we turn to "sports war!" ♪ ♪

>> get ready! it is time for "sports war"! brought to you by gambling. gambling! it is literally free money. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> what's up, morons? i'm ronny chieng! >> jordan: and i'm jordan klepper! this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> so if i say we need stronger helmets in football to prevent concussions... >> jordan: i say, [bleep] that! we were born with a helmet. it's called a skull. >> well, lucky for us, yours is empty. it's october: the one month where practically every league is going at it like some kind of sports gang bang. >> jordan: that's right. there's more balls flying around than that time ronny wore his daisy dukes to the office. >> well, that's on you for looking. >> jordan: and nowhere is the sports gang bang hotter than right here in new york! between the liberty, the mets, the yankees, the knicks, this city could only be happier if ronny announced he was leaving it. >> well, if i ever leave, it's because your mom is getting too

clingy. >> jordan: nice one, ronny. i hope you get circumcised in your sleep. and while many new york sports fans are celebrating, there's one team showing us that boeing ain't the only one with imploding jets. >> now to breaking news in sports. the jets have fired their head coach, robert saleh, just five games into the season, a move that comes two days after they just lost in london in disappointing fashion. >> there is rampant speculation that aaron rodgers is behind the firing of saleh. >> jordan: j-e-t-s! suck, suck, suck! oh, man! what a terrible move by the jets. coach saleh wasn't the problem. it's clearly aaron rodgers. that's like me firing the camera guy for the stupid shit that comes out of ronny's mouth. >> yeah, well, your mouth looks like a fish vagina. and you couldn't be more wrong. firing saleh is exactly what the jets need. for 55 years, they've sucked with a coach. hey, maybe it's time to play without one. just one season raw dogging it

without a coach, and maybe the jets will win the super bowl. >> jordan: the only thing getting raw dogged is your brain. you can't let a bunch of nfl players coach themselves. they need google maps just to get out the huddle. but we all know there's only one, maybe two, people crazy enough to take a job coaching the jets. which brings us to our jordan klepper locked and loaded triple vip bet of the night. which menendez brother will be the next coach of the jets? as always, brought to you by gambling. gambling: if you think you have a problem, stop thinking. >> ronny: moving on from an upset man to the upset of the year. >> next, a once in a lifetime upset in college football. vanderbilt beat number 1 alabama on saturday, 40-35. vanderbilt students were so excited, they tore down one of the goalposts and carried it a couple miles into downtown nashville. then, they tossed it into the cumberland river.

>> jordan: okay, okay, okay! rein it in, you private school nerds. winning is exciting, but show a little class. you don't gloat in front of the other team's fans. you bully them online like a normal person. >> okay, jordan, i know you're not used to winning, but this is what it looks like. you're just mad they threw the goalpost in the river because you empathize with long, skinny useless things. which brings us to our ronny's sure win v.v.i.p. bet of the night. which river will we dump jordan in after tonight's show? as always, brought to you by gambling. [cheers and applause] gambling: your wife can't leave you if you win. >> jordan: and finally, moving on to a more somber story as we honor the passing of one of america's greatest heroes. >> pete rose, major league baseball's all-time hits leader, who was famously banned from the sport for gambling, has died. >> rose was famously banned from the baseball hall of fame for gambling allegations. he denied those allegations for

years before eventually admitting that he did bet on baseball, both as a player and as a manager. >> all while he lobbied to be considered for the hall of fame, his lifelong wish never granted. >> jordan: now, i don't want to discount what jackie robinson did, but what pete rose accomplished was a billion times more important. he's a legend in two of america's past times: gambling as a player and gambling as a coach. pete rose definitely belongs in the baseball hall of fame. >> jordan, have you been hit in your oblong head by another pitch? pete rose doesn't belong in the baseball hall of fame. a hero like him belongs in every hall of fame. baseball, basketball, rock 'n' roll, hip hop, automotive, arby's. put his name on the vietnam memorial, everywhere! yo, they should hang his bookie's phone number from the rafters. >> jordan: boy, ronny, i really wish god took you instead of pete rose. which brings us to my jordan's

champagne room boom bet of the night. what will pete rose gamble on first in heaven? as always, brought to you by gambling. gambling: when it stops being fun is when it gets good. >> and that's all the stories this week. join us next time on "sports war!" >> jordan: yeah, we'll debate if it counts as cheating on your wife if you do it with a tackling dummy. >> obviously not! >> jordan: wait, do we agree on this? >> we can't. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ (♪♪) (♪♪) bounce back fast from heartburn with

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♪ when i push, i feel good ♪ ♪ when i push, i feel good ♪ ♪ when i push, push, ♪ [camera clicks x3] ♪ push, push, push, ♪ [dog shaking] ♪ push, push, push, ♪ ♪ you better move ♪ ♪ when i push, i feel good ♪ [camera clicks] ♪ when i pull, i feel good ♪ ♪ when i push, push, ♪ [camera clicks] ♪ push, push, push, ♪ [camera clicks x3] [camera clicks] ♪ when i push, i feel good ♪ [camera clicks] ♪ when i pull, i feel good ♪ [motorcyle revving engine] ♪ when i push, push, push, ♪ [camera clicks x3] ♪ push, push, push, push ♪ ♪ when i push, push, push, push, push, push, push ♪ [camera clicks] ♪ when i push, i feel good ♪ [camera clicks] ♪ when i pull, i feel good ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an award-winning writer and

activist whose new book is called, "abortion: our bodies, their lies, and the truths we use to win." please welcome jessica valenti! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> that's pretty nice. not a shabby way. >> jordan: not too shabby. >> not too shabby. i will take it. >> jordan: this book is -- it's fantastic. i feel like you articulate at the top. i should say this. you just got word it is a "new york times" best seller, baby. >> it is. >> jordan: number one? >> not number one. >> jordan: not number one but a best seller. >> right by the skin of our teeth but i will take it. >> jordan: this grew out of a newsletter you were writing called "abortion every day." why did you feel the need to start a newsletter, "abortion every day." >> i probably should have called it "abortion every hour,"

because that is how often the news is coming out about abortion. they attacks are so unrelenting. they are nonstop. i wanted to provide a little bit of order to the chaos to help people understand what was going on and sort of the same thing with the book, give them the information, context, language that they need to talk about this issue. because people really do care so much. people are so pissed off about abortion bans. they are so upset but they are also so overwhelmed. it is just so much to be happening. so i wanted to create something that people could really use in a useful way and also channel a little bit of anger. >> jordan: it feels like this book is there to provide clarity for people who want to engage in the conversation but perhaps don't know how. >> yeah, absolutely. >> jordan: i know there has been some softening in the discussion of the conservative side. when you hear j.d. vance softening on that issue, how much do you believe him on a scale from 0 to get the [bleep] out of here? >> yeah, it is definitely get the [bleep] out of here. [cheers and applause] it's true.

no, he is totally full of it. and the softening is all a p.r. move. and this is why i wrote the book, because they are using this language to make it appear as if they are more moderate than they actually are on abortion, using terms like "minimum national standard." "i don't support a ban. i support a minimum national standard." those are the same exact thing. it is just a bunch of nonsense. we have seen the same thing with trump. but we know what would happen if trump was elected. we know that the suffering that we have already seen in so many states across the country would just get exponentially worse. >> jordan: it's curious, in this book, you talk about the battle over language, which we have seen go way back, whether it is pro-choice, pro-life. you get into the nitty-gritty about nikki haley talking about consensus, talking about what late-term abortions mean. for folks who aren't paying attention, why is that so important and how do you seeing that getting morphed and shifted right now? >> sure.

this is how they trick voters. they use words like, "i don't want a ban, i want consensus legislation." "we are not banning abortion, we are giving it back to the will of the people, giving it back to the states." because this is something voters feel so strongly about, 81% of voters do not want government involvement in abortion at all. they don't want it regulated by the law. they are working really hard to use language that makes it sound as if voters are with them. they are trying to do this very clever pivot. and with something like late abortion, which is not a real medical term, they are constantly moving the goalposts for what late abortion means. when you hear someone like nikki haley say, "i'm against late abortion," ask her how many weeks that is, because right now -- i've been tracking the antiabortion movement -- right now, to them, that is 12 weeks. so when they say, "i support into this legislation for late-term abortion," they are saying, "i support a national ban at 12 weeks." that is how you have to decode the language.

>> jordan: how much of this do you see as right-wing legislators who are using this as a way to gain power within their party? perhaps not true believers. but using it as a form of manipulation. and how much of this -- you talk about legislators who are doing this to exert control over women's bodies. in some dark terms. when you look over all at that, how much of it is just a blatant move to be in a position of power and how much of it is exerting power over a woman's body? >> i think it is both. i wrote a column once called "the worst guy you know." think about the biggest asshole from high school, the guy who was devil's advocate, always had something to say, that is who the prosecutor is. that is who the local legislator is, that is who the sheriff who are bringing forward these cases. when you look at the people who are enforcing these laws on a local and state level, they are the worst guy you know. the worst kind of person you can possibly imagine. that said, i do think that there are a lot of politicians who don't really care. they don't care. it's just about the power to them.

>> jordan: in dark times, we have the worst guy you know from high school, what is the best guy you know from high school doing right now? >> i love that question. probably making phone calls to get bus tickets for people to get out of florida, no, really. to get an abortion out of state. i think one of the most amazing things about doing this work over the last two plus years has been seeing the way that people have come together on this issue to make sure that people can get the care that they need no matter what. there are so many folks like abortion funds on the ground, which are in the middle of a funding crisis and could really use your help. there are so many people who are doing the hard work of ensuring that people can get those abortions. that is what brings me a tremendous amount of hope and positivity in the future. >> jordan: well, it is a great book. [applause] and if you are tentative about getting into the conversation, this book will be really helpful. jessica's book, "abortion," is available now. jessica valenti. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. >> thank you! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

we work hard, and we pay our taxes. but billionaires are getting away with paying less in taxes than we do. donald trump gave them a huge tax break and wants to give them another one. you're rich as hell. we're going to give you tax cuts. well, i'm not rich as hell.

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