oh, yeah. you can pretty much do whatever you want with any masseuse ever, because they're all prostitutes. and it's not just the masseuses. if you're ever seeing, like, a physical therapist, or doing yoga with a private instructor? just go for it. there's, like, an 80% chance you'll get there. but peter, there's-there's one thing i still don't get. why did you take the massage job in the first place? for you, lois. i did it to earn enough money to buy a comb for your beautiful hair. oh, peter, didn't you know? i sold my beautiful hair to buy you a bottle of massage oil. great. so now i'm an unemployed masseuse with a bald wife. merry [bleep] christmas. >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got a great show for you tonight. kamala harris drops her medical records, donald trump throws a one-man dance party, and lewis black tells undecided voters where they can shove their ballots. so let's get right into it with another installment of "indecision 2024!" ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] with the election just three weeks from today, the latest polls are as close as they can possibly be without touching, which makes it just that much hotter. and the candidates are doing everything they can to gain an advantage. kamala harris just taunted donald trump by releasing her medical records and then trump tried to turn those records against her. >> according to her doctor's report, she suffers from urticaria, defined as a rash of round red welts on the skin that

itch intensely, sometimes with dangerous swelling. she also has allergic rhinitis and allergic conjunctivitis, a very messy and dangerous situation. these are deeply serious conditions that clearly impact her functioning. >> desi: oh, my god. she has allergic rhinitis and conjunctivitis? the medical term for "hay fever?" is there a priest on call? she doesn't have long! that is how healthy kamala harris is. donald trump is reduced to calling her allergies a "very messy and dangerous situation." although, in fairness to trump, in this case, it's a woman sneezing, so that makes it more disgusting. a sneeze is the period of the face. [laughter and applause] now we all know donald trump

suffers from epidermal fragility, but we don't know anything more because he has never released his medical records. perhaps one of his minions could explain why that's not a problem? >> i saw that kamala harris issued her medical records. congratulations. donald trump's health is on display for the entire country every hour of every day. he has more stamina and mental acumen and strength than any political figure in -- probably in the history of the country no that i can remember. >> desi: i'm sorry, donald trump has more strength and stamina than any politician in history? i'd put 100 bucks on jimmy carter taking trump in a push-up contest today! today! i don't know, maybe "no rizz harry potter" over here has a point. trump doesn't need to release his medical records because his health is on full display every day. so let's see him whip out that

mental acumen and wag it all around this weekend! >> also, we have many "azure-asians" in our room. we have some incredible people in our room. >> desi: "azure-asians?" i can't believe trump is inventing new races. he doesn't even like the old ones! [laughter and applause] man, this is just what we needed, another chance for ronny chieng to be in a movie. the guy is in everything, everything. but obviously i don't want to hinge trump's mental health on one word at a rally. he also did a town hall last night. >> one of the most notable and honestly strange stretches of the campaign we have seen. a trump town hall that essentially just stopped in the middle with him playing music and dancing on stage. >> he had only taken about four questions at what was supposed

to be a town hall and instead it was just him on stage requesting various songs to be played and dancing for over half an hour. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> desi: i literally have no idea what just happened. i don't know if he's on edibles or if i'm on edibles. i'm just kidding. i know i'm on edibles. but let me just take a few minutes to walk you through this town hall, because trust me, it's worth it. trump was doing a town hall with puppy shooter kristi noem, and

all was well. he took four questions, then a couple of people passed out from the heat. and trump stopped the q&a to make sure everyone was okay, which was great, although he was still very trumpy about it. >> they're both okay. >> yes. >> they're both -- they're both in good shape. >> that's wonderful. >> would anybody else like to faint? >> desi: "anyone else want to pull focus with their medical emergency? get it out of the way!" calm down, donald, no one was trying to faint. trust me, no one wants to have a medical episode in front of kristi noem. she's just looking for an excuse to take you to the gravel pit. she cocked her shotgun when she heard kamala had allergies. but while the staff was attending to the situation, trump decided to play some music to keep up morale. and this guy knows what the people want. >> so we had a beautiful evening and i don't know if they can get

this song up quickly, but if they could play "ave maria." if you can get it, justin, let's go, if you can. ["ave maria" plays] ♪ ♪ it's so beautiful though, right, listen to that. we have nice music. we're together. not bad. not bad. >> thank you, mr. president. >> thank you, everybody, very much. >> desi: wow, "ave maria," huh? you sure you don't want to get the crowd hyped with some gregorian chants instead? all right, warming the crowd up, easing them into it. then you hit them with the banger: a different version of the same song. >> if my guys can hear me, let's listen to pavarotti sing "ave maria." can you hear that? they gave me the "ave maria" with no voice. put on pavarotti singing "ave maria," nice and loud. turn it up louder. we want a little action here. turn it up louder!

["ave maria" playing] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: trump is just lapping it up. why does trump know so much about "ave maria?" was it used in a mcdonald's commercial? man, he really loves that song. who's going to tell him it's about a virgin? and look at poor kristi noem. i got to say, this is the most i've ever related to her. because we've all been in a situation where a guy mansplains his spotify playlist to you. "so that was the pavarotti version. now let me play you a live version phish did at red rocks."

then poor kristi tries to get things back on track so she can ask more questions, but trump was in full dj mode. >> let's not do any more questions. let's just listen to music. let's make it into a music. who the hell wants to hear questions? right? >> desi: i love how everyone's always criticizing kamala for not being specific with her policies. no questions, no talking. meanwhile trump's like, "shh, no questions, no talking. we're just going to vibe for a while. just going to let my body do the talking." and if you're wondering, after 40 minutes of this, did they ever get back to actually answering questions? almost! >> so this has been an honor tonight. we could do another question or two if you'd like but probably -- do you want to do one? do you want to do -- let's go.

let's go -- you know. it's -- but it ends so beautifully. how about this? we'll play "ymca" and we'll go home. ♪ ♪ [laughter] >> desi: probably a good idea to shut down questions since i'm pretty sure the next one would have been, "hi, sir. what the [bleep] is going on?" for more on the state of the race, let's turn to "the daily show" election center with michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, how can trump be acting this unhinged and not be dropping in all the polls? >> it's simple, desi. it's what we in the polling business call the scary-to-funny ratio. you see, everyone can tell that trump is clearly losing his mind, which can be scary.

but as long as it's more funny than scary, then it's fine! for example, last week, trump lied about fema's hurricane response, and now armed men are trying to murder fema workers. terrifying. but he also jerk-off danced to "ave maria" for 40 minutes! which is pretty funny. so it balances out all the murder. [cheers and applause] >> desi: that shouldn't balance out. he also threatened to shut down entire news outlets if he's elected. >> yeah, and that's so scary! he wants to ban networks like abc. but then he called that reporter "george slop-a-dopolis," which is hilarious. so maybe we should ban abc! see? the ratio works! >> desi: how can voters think like that? something can be funny and scary at the same time.

>> well, actually, no. voters can only handle one feeling at a time. we're simple creatures. it's like when i saw baboons at the zoo this weekend. man, they're scary, but when you see that their butts are red, and that is so funny. [laughs] [applause] >> desi: so trump just gets away with all this? >> no, it works for biden, too! remember, for a while, it seemed like he was cognitively impaired. which is super scary for a president, right? but then he fell off a bike. and not even a moving bike. a parked bike. and that is undeniably hilarious! so we let him keep the nuclear codes, maybe he'll nuke that bike, right? it's just fun. but then, at the debate, biden stopped being funny. and that threw off the ratio. that's when it got scary. >> desi: okay, so what if kamala harris told a few jokes? >> oh, no, no.

the ratio doesn't work for women. voters won't accept that. yuck. >> desi: okay. but last week, trump threatened to use the military against americans, calling them "the enemy within." surely that's only scary! >> yes, 100%. and our model here showed that that made him lose the swing states and the election. but then he said the word "azure-asians," so the model now shows trump winning the election by 900 electoral votes. >> desi: no, that model is crazy, kosta! >> it is crazy but in a funny way. look, i put greenland in it! that's so funny. >> desi: i mean, that is kind of funny. >> right? it's like, how did it get there? anyways, i got to go to the hospital and get my mpox vaccine. i got bit by a baboon at the zoo. >> desi: oh, my god! michael, that's so scary. >> it is scary, until i saw my

big red butt! >> desi: you're right, that's hilarious! michael kosta, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, lewis black will be here. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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the cracks, lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> i hope you've all registered to vote, because like matt gaetz at a high school dance, the election is ominously approaching. i, for one, am excited. with 21 days to go, we still have no idea who the [bleep] is going to win! and that's all thanks to one very special group of morons. election day, the race to the white house, it is getting tighter, and the candidates are putting a laser focus on undecided voters. >> undecided voters in battleground states could decide it all. >> that small sliver of undecided voters that are going to make or break this election. >> oh, yes, undecided voters.

the same people you see at the ice cream shop asking for 12 mini spoon samples. it's a $3 cone, asshole! how is anyone still undecided in this election? at this point, choosing a candidate should be easy! look, it's like a lube salesman deciding if he should swing by p. diddy's house. he has all the information he needs. but after almost two years of campaigning, this election still comes down to winning over a few dozen pennsylvanians with carbon monoxide poisoning. now don't get me wrong. maybe these undecided voters aren't stupid. maybe they have a good reason for being idiots. has anyone asked them what the hang-up is? >> i just haven't -- i haven't seen enough of it yet. i need to pay closer attention,

and kind of do more independent research. >> i just need to do my own research. >> i'd have to do more research. >> oh, good god. they all have the same hair! go ahead, do your own research. hopefully, the library will let you huff paint inside. what are you researching, exactly? we've known these candidates forever. one of them has spent the past four years as vice president, and the other has spent the past 40 years as the worst person in america. [cheers and applause] what the [bleep] is left for you to learn about them? how they load a dishwasher? but i still have hope that some of you undecided voters will eventually make a choice. something has to force your hand.

>> we've just learned that taylor swift has endorsed kamala harris. okay, will you vote for kamala harris because of taylor swift's endorsement? anybody? >> you would? >> yeah. >> julian, you would. >> all right. >> i'm a musician. i mean, i have to. >> [laughs] yeah, you're a musician. you have to. oh. i'm going to send it back to you guys in the studio. >> even the reporter is like, "can i please go cover a mass shooting? this is depressing!" forget the economy, or abortion, or immigration. he wants to vote with his fellow musicians! don't tell him about kid rock, or his head will explode and there'll be nothing everywhere! i, for one, am grateful for all these focus groups of undecided voters. they give us insight into the complex minds of america's most powerful people.

>> well, it it is very important that we have expertise when making these decisions in policy, right? and so him bringing the specifics to say that we need the expertise, making these decisions, i believe that was very important. >> see! even that vampire magician agrees. expertise matters. and he should know. he's voted in the last 1,000 elections. for his final trick, he made my hope for gen z disappear! but the good news is, we don't have to listen to these idiots at all, because there's still another option. >> i don't know. it still could change. there's still some time left. you never know. >> i hope so. if i don't have a decision, i probably just won't vote. >> finally, someone talking sense. i'm tired of my vote being

canceled out by someone whose iq score only makes sense in celsius. so for all you undecided voters, i have a special message. hi. i'm lewis black, beloved comedian. really? and the only "daily show" employee who works less than jon stewart. [cheers and applause] i want to talk to you today about democracy. it's a big responsibility, a sacred right, and maybe not for everyone. because if you're waiting for a kardashian to tell you who to vote for, go ahead and sit this one out. sure, people have fought and died for your right to vote, but when those guys were lifting the flag over iwo jima, they

weren't saying, "come on, fellas. let's do this so someday a guy can fill out a ballot so the bubbles make the shape of a penis." if you're undecided come election day, do the right thing. don't get out the vote. sit out the vote. just focus on picking out that ice cream. might i recommend rocky road? yum! desi? [cheers and applause] >> desi: thank you, lewis. >> desi: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everyone. you know why i love halloween? why? people give me kit kats, for free. son, you're eight, all your kit kats are free.

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patients who have sensitive teeth but also want whiter teeth, they have to make a choice- one versus the other. new sensodyne clinical white, it provides 2 shades whiter teeth as well as providing 24/7 sensitivity protection. patients are going to love to see sensodyne on the shelf. [cheers and applause]

>> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a voting rights activist, host of "assembly required," and bestselling author whose latest children's book is called "stacey speaks up." please welcome stacey abrams! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> hi. >> desi: what a pleasure it is to have you on. i am so happy that you are here. >> thank you for having me. >> desi: you are a large part of why georgia flipped blue in 2020. [cheers and applause] it feels like there is so much progress that is being made and yet, here we are again, coming up on election -- on the election and it is mandated that ballots must be hand counted in georgia.

is it as [bleep] up as it sounds? >> yes. >> desi: great. well, that's all the time we have. >> okay. i've got two bits of goodish kind of news. number one, when they say hand count, what they mean is count the ballots -- not the votes. so they are physically requiring each precinct to physically count each ballot. we've got about 5.5 million voters. >> desi: oh, is that all? >> so it's going to take some time. the intent is to create chaos in the system. we need to tell people, here is why your vote matters because so many people think, my vote will not count. yes. georgia was decided by fewer than 12,000 votes in a state of 11 million people. it counts. it counts more than you can imagine. please, god, vote. [cheers and applause] >> desi: please, god, vote. please, god, vote. i do want to talk about your book. congratulations.

the story is about a young stacey who discovers that a friend of hers can't afford to buy lunch. what inspired you to write this? >> i wanted to tell a story about advocacy and empathy. empathy, how do you feel the pain of someone else? and then advocacy, what do you do about it? but center it around an experience that is universal to childhood, which is school lunch. i wanted a book that acknowledges how they feel and tells them that they are something they can do about it and using the story that is accessible, which is, everyone of us knows about lunch. we know about hunger. we need to think about the children who don't get to solve that hunger problem and see what we can do to help them. >> desi: go out and get this book. it is so sweet. "stacey speaks up." it's available now. stacey abrams, everyone! [cheers and applause] we are going to take a quick break, but we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

♪ i could feel it, i won't come down ♪ ♪ ♪ i could see it with all eyes ♪ ♪ whoa, i can feel it, ♪ ♪ la, la, la-la, la-la (i can feel it) ♪ ♪ la, la, la-la, la-la (tell them love) ♪ ♪ la, la, la-la, la-la-la (love has finally come) ♪ ♪ ooooo ♪ ♪ one hundred republicans who worked in national security for presidents reagan, both bushes, and for president trump. now endorsing harris for president. she came up as a prosecutor, an attorney general, into the senate. she has the kind of character that's going to be necessary in the presidency. vice president harris is standing in the breach

at a critical moment in our nation's history. we have a shared commitment as americans to do what's right for this country. this year, i am proudly casting my vote for vice president kamala harris. former generals, secretaries of defense, secretaries of the army, navy, and air force, cia directors and national security council leaders under democratic and republican presidents, republican members of congress, and even former trump administration officials agree: there's only one candidate fit to lead our nation, and that's kamala harris. i'm kamala harris and i approve this message. yeah, i got beer on the burger. gametime! your cousin from boston make anything a tailgate with sam adams octoberfest. (cheering) it's sam season whoa! how'd you get your teeth so white? you gotta use the right toothpaste! dr. c?!

♪♪ not all toothpastes whiten the same. crest 3d white removes 100% more stains for a noticeably whiter smile. new personal best. crest. introducing new eroxon gel, the first fda-cleared ed treatment available without a prescription. eroxon gel is clinically proven to work within ten minutes, so you and your partner can experience the heights of intimacy. new eroxon ed treatment gel. [cheers and applause] >> desi: that there were a show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> we are going to go, we are going to vote, we are going to have a good time. this is going to be -- i want this to be a really important evening. and those two people that went down are patriots and we love

them. >> yes. >> because of them, we ended up >> because of them, we ended up with some good music. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hey, you guys ever check zillow? joe, why don't you shut the... tell me more about this silly word. it's this website, zillow.com. you plug in your address, and it gives you an estimate of what your house is worth. but they call it a zestimate, because of the "z" in "zillow". [laughs] how do they... i just don't have that creative bone. wow, my house is way up from when i bought it.

-mine's up, too. -what the hell? mine's way below what you guys's are worth. wait, this-this can't be right. it says... it says my house is a murder house. what, like-like someone was killed there? yeah, it says... it says, in the '60s, some woman named doris billingsly died in my house. probably some naggy bitch, right? -joseph! -you know, they say when someone dies violently like that, -their spirit can linger. -what do you mean? i'm saying you might have a g-g-g-g-g... disembodied spirit in your house! wow, this is so cool. have you ever witnessed anything strange there? actually, now that you mention it... good news! the biopsy was negative. did you hear something? [♪ serene music playing] hi, chris. -oh, hey, kristen. what's up? -not much.