[whistling] i thought i'd come in casual today. man, i'm hungry. anyone else feel like a beet? where did you get those? what, these? bernard farms. best beets in the state. i see what you are doing. but i do not know where you are going with this. well, you will. as soon as you visit my new beet farm. captioning by dave l at captionmax www.captionmax.com ow. you're supposed to cook these, aren't you? [scoffs] cornell. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: oh, baby! welcome to "the daily show!" [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. we've got a great one for you tonight. our guest on the program this evening, governor tim walz, democratic nominee for vice president, will be joining me later! [cheers and applause] but first, there's just two weeks until the election, and i'm going to say this: i don't like it! and we have officially entered into the fever dream portion of the campaign. right is left! up is down! the republican nominee is hanging out in a bronx barbershop! and the democratic nominee is

hosting some sort of book club with liz cheney! what the [bleep]! that's a cheney. what are you doing with a cheney? you're not allowed to hang out with a cheney! they're marvel, you're d.c.! you can't be in the same movie, it's a rights issue! and no one likes them. and here's the worst part: the cheneys have somehow synched up their circuitry directly to the madam vice president. right at the same time, they cross their legs! they move as one. it is so surreal. this campaign cannot get any weirder. >> hello, everybody. my first day at mcdonald's.

i'm looking for a job. so if you don't mind, i want to work the french fry counter. >> jon: give him the job. i implore you. [cheers and applause] i don't care if his references don't shake out. save democracy, give him the job. now kamala harris is out there sweating the details over her new opportunity economy. trump is just out there farting around! >> i love salt. wait a minute, i spilled some. just, i'm very superstitious. you take it for granted. you say, give me french fries. i'll never forget this experience. i always figured somebody stuffed them in with their hand and i don't like that and they don't do it that way. you never touch them. it's really great.

>> jon: [bleep] forrest gump? what are we talking about? so for decades that you've been eating at mcdonald's, you thought that the fries come out of the boiling oil, and the workers, making that sweet, sweet $4.25 an hour, just reach in and go... "ahh"! how do you think those burgers get flipped? ahh! ahh! that's his whole campaign right now. "ave maria" dance party, "i'm going to deport everybody," football tailgate, blame the jews if i lose, mcdonald's drive-thru. he's out there having the time of his life.

and the poor, sweet media, oh, poor, sweet media. they know they're mad. they're just not exactly sure which thing they should be maddest about anymore. but i can tell you one thing, media, it probably shouldn't be the mcdonald's thing. >> this was entirely staged. there was a fake customer. yes. he is so inept at pretending to be a real person that he really, literally cannot operate the frying machine as a normal worker, because he would be incapable of doing so. >> jon: what a pleasant counterpoint. look, i'm all for criticizing donald trump, but i got to tell you, i also don't know how to work the fryer at mcdonald's and would be incapable of doing so. we are at that point in the

campaign. we're at a fever pitch. we can no longer discern the noise from the signal. we've lost the ability to understand what level of outrage to even demonstrate. which brings us to this weekend, where the absurdity-outrage cycle reached its apex, at a trump campaign in pennsylvania. >> i'm going to tell them the real story of arnold. but arnold palmer was all man. and i say that in all due respect to women. and i love women. but this -- this guy -- this is a guy that was all man. this man was strong and tough. and i refuse to say it, but when he took showers with the other pros, they came out of there, they said, oh, my god. that's unbelievable. [laughs]

[laughter] >> jon: "i want to [bleep] arnold palmer so bad. i want to... [growls] " first of all, i'm not here to fact-check the former president, but arnold palmer wasn't all man. he was half man, half lemonade. [laughter and applause] but it is true. apparently, every time arnold palmer came out of the shower the other golfers were like... [golf clap] "talk about a dog leg. that is a par wow.

you are going to need a caddy. the question, ladies and gentlemen, is not whether or not arnold's palmer is being fitted for the green jacket, it's whether the media will performatively take the bait! >> this was not just crude and obscene, but it was completely inappropriate. >> vulgar, lewd. >> this is not presidential. >> is this really the closing message you want voters to hear from donald trump, stories about arnold palmer's penis? >> not one, not three, but ten minutes talking about another man's genitalia. >> jon: it's very serious. i apologize. what is the appropriate amount

of time? 3 minutes, i could understand. 10 minutes? it's a you problem. but i do get there is a double standard at play here. can you imagine if kamala harris held a rally, like, "billie jean king, her vagina, wow. she'd come out of the shower, and all the other tennis players would shout, "hello, hello, hello." ask your parents. that would be madness. but for trump, this was actually one of his milder genital rants. this was kind of his kid's bop genitals rant. it was classy, it was body positive, he was complimenting somebody else. i don't know why we have to parse everything that this guy says so sternly! >> we have two enemies. we have the outside enemy and then we have the enemy from within. and the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than

china, russia, and all these countries. >> jon: hey, who wants fries? >> we have some very bad people. we have some sick people, radical left lunatics. and i think they're the -- and it should be very easily handled by, if necessary, by national guard or if really necessary by the military. >> jon: you are not fun at all. that's not fun-loving and mischievous. that sounded quite threatening. that's actually worthy of some real examination. and all the republicans who have talked about having fun at trump's rallies, i'm sure they'd express concerns about this type of rhetoric. >> what i want to just make very clear is that it's my belief that what former president trump is talking about are the people that are coming over the border that, in fact, are committing crimes, that are bringing drugs,

that are trafficking humans. that is what i believe the president is referring to. i don't think that he's referring to elected people in -- in america. >> jon: oh, all right, good. because i -- okay. because i was worried. because it did sound bad. i probably wasn't thinking clearly, but just to make sure that that is what he meant, let's give the former president himself a chance to clear up that he's really talking about drug and human traffickers coming across the border and obviously not elected officials. >> adam "shifty" schiff, who's a total sleazebag, is going to become a senator. but i call him the enemy from within. [audience reacts] >> jon: but just shifty schiff, right? >> and it is the enemy from within. and they're very dangerous. the more difficult are, you know, the pelosis. these people, they're so sick, and they're so evil. >> jon: are you out of your

[bleep] mind? the former speaker of the house is the enemy within? well, i bet donald trump is about to get an earful from the current speaker of the house, who will, despite his support of donald trump, still have the courage to -- i'm kidding, just roll it. >> what he's talking about is marauding gangs of dangerous -- >> nope. >> violent people who are destroying public property. >> nope. >> jon: ah, yes, adam schiff and nancy pelosi, famous capos in the salvadoran gang ms-nbcah. where's the "we the people" "constitution first" outrage here? he's talking about treading on you! you always wave around the "don't tread on me" flag! this is treading! >> you are a decorated veteran. how would you feel about deploying against adam schiff? >> well, i don't think that's what he said, john. i think you're connecting some -- some dots there. >> jon: it's exactly what he said! not dots! words!

we're connecting words, through the earholes, with the listening! that is what he said! i understand the powerful pull of partisanship, but for my own [bleep] sanity, can i get one republican to at least acknowledge that trump said the thing that he is repeatedly saying? >> look, trump speaks in hyperbole. this is nothing new. he's not talking about attacking attacking -- using the military to attack people who disagree with him politically or anything like that. >> jon: he is literally saying that! he is literally saying that! what are you talking about? [cheers and applause] literally! he is saying, the enemy within, you can't just pretend that he is talking about something else! god! this is what gets us to the ultimate problem, which is: is any of the shit trump says real? how are we supposed to understand what's bullshit and what isn't? kamala harris, she's got to have an 80-page presentation on exactly how this opportunity

economy is going to function and how it's going to be paid for. meanwhile, the standard for trump is "emotional vicinity." apparently, it doesn't actually matter if the things he says are true! and if you try and dig down on the lies, he only gets lie-ier. >> when you said -- and you know it's gone viral -- "they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats," you said you're just reporting what had been said. but why not say now, look, that turned out not to be true -- >> i don't know if it's not true. i don't know if it's true or not true. i read something -- >> eating the pets? you don't know if it's true or not true? it's been debunked by -- >> what, about the goose, the geese? what about the geese? what happened there? they're all missing. >> jon: you -- what about the geese? they were everywhere during summer, but now, now that it's cold...

[cheers and applause] by the way, republican officials feel very confident that trump isn't being serious when talking about extreme measures to defeat his enemies, he has already tried it! remember that day he tried to overthrow the government? i know it didn't work, but "attempted murder" isn't the same thing as "never tried the murder." so we are left with this surreal idea that somehow trump's absurdity renders him benign. we dismiss his threats because of how much fun he has expounding on the length, width, and girth of arnold palmer's [bleep]. if only there were one dystopian moment from this past weekend that encapsulates this potent tincture of clownish campaigning mixed with authoritarian foreboding.

cause i know shorter clips do better on the tiktok! give me, oh, i don't know, a man in an apron at a drive-thru window, thoughtfully considering whether or not to future-coup. >> talking to reporters, trump was asked about accepting the 2024 election results. >> either way, will you accept the results of the election? >> yeah, sure, if it's a fair election. always. i would always accept it if it's -- it's got to be a fair election. >> jon: first of all, how dare this reporter brazenly violate the "no walking through a drive through" rule? and second, how the [bleep] is donald trump in a mcdonald's apron in the window of the restaurant talking about whether or not he will overturn the popular vote real life! how is this real! did we all die during covid?

and is this some strange, surreal purgatory? or maybe ai has already sucked up the sum total of human achievement and endeavors, and what we're all experiencing are merely the crumbs and detritus of human existence that ai thought was too [bleep] weird to vacuum up? or maybe it's a dream. maybe i'm in your dream or you're in my dream! i just -- i have to wake myself up! wake up, jon! wake up! wake up! >> jon: oh, my god! this is the weirdest dream. donald trump was dancing on stage to "ave maria," then he was making fries, then he was running for president. >> they are eating the dogs. they are eating the cats. >> jon: no!

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, he is the governor of minnesota and kamala harris's running mate. please welcome the democratic nominee for vice president, governor tim walz! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: very excited! they are excited! >> governor walz: thank you. [cheers and applause] ready to win. thank you. [cheers and applause]

>> jon: it must be nice. it must feel pretty good. now let me ask you this, actually, should have called you coach. actually, tonight, i talk to you not as a democratic nominee for vice president, but as a football coach. my giants got their asses kicked. there's got to be something you can do. >> governor walz: they could should have kept saquon. pay them money. >> jon: he's right! saquon! but thank you for being here. is this the first nonswing state that you have been in in the last -- >> governor walz: [laughs] been in a couple but mostly the swing states. >> jon: mostly the swing states. are they, at any point now when you show up -- you saw the reaction that you got here. you are coming into new york. we haven't seen -- honestly. [cheers and applause]

but right into pennsylvania, are they just, like, "oh, my god." >> governor walz: [laughs] no, they are excited. >> jon: they are excited. >> governor walz: they know how much -- they know what's writing on this. they know the swing states and the county's matter. they are doing the work. woke up in saginaw, michigan, yesterday, went to a union hall in the morning. 120 folks down there, going out to canvas. >> jon: i'm going to stop you there. there is no wooing for saginaw. >> governor walz: it's nice, right? that guy knows. >> jon: it is not "woo" nice. when you go into these places, are you speaking now -- it is rallies now are they are coming to see you. the listening tour stuff is over. >> governor walz: yeah. we are still, you know, getting to the union halls, stop in restaurants. that is what i do is eat on this most of the time. you can tell. but folks are still talking. and i know it is hard to imagine.

there's a lot of folks still deciding what they are going to do. i think the polling says there is no undecided voters. they are watching this. they are watching this craziness that you are seeing and they are saying that this is serious stuff. so i still think there is an opportunity, just to chat with them and tell them what we are doing. >> jon: have you met people that appear to be -- because what i know, people who say, "i am undecided" you talk to them for 30 seconds and you are like, "you are a libertarian." they have come out there deal is already set up. they just sort of place themselves in this "i don't know yet." what has been an effective argument that you have felt has pulled people closer to you? >> governor walz: the folks i'm talking to, they are folks that are probably republicans and they say it. a republican introduces me in omaha, he said, i can't stand with this guy anymore, this isn't the party of reagan, getting a lot of those folks that are trying to find permission to get off the maga stuff and move over. they are still listening. they are finding a way. >> jon: is the concern they

have that a harris-walz team would be too liberal or, you know, do they .2, in minnesota, you allowed tampons in different bathrooms and trans people were allowed to play sports, and oh, my god, we are all going to be communists? >> governor walz: our children are eating breakfast, lunch. [cheers and applause] >> jon: what is the battle here? where do you find is a barrier to them being able to place at? >> governor walz: for a lot of them, they've never crossed over that line. you can say it about liz cheney and dick cheney and some of those that did show some courage to cross over. they don't agree. these are folks that were told that historically republican, going to vote republican but they don't have a home anymore. i think for a lot of cases, they hear the noise that is out there that is why i'm out there talking to them. we talk about tax cuts to the middle class, home ownership. the one that makes a difference especially in rural areas because it is an older population, expanding home care

for medicare. medicare. all of a sudden, they are like, that is a damn good idea. [applause] >> jon: that might be my favorite policy. >> governor walz: it's mine. >> jon: when you think about everybody want to talk about, it is the economy, stupid. sometimes there is a sense that the government is not necessarily responsive, that there is a disconnect between kind of the legislators in washington and all the lobbyists that surround them, and the needs of people in their communities. home health care, child care, eldercare, you know, education. >> governor walz: rural hospitals. >> jon: rural hospitals. >> governor walz: that is one of the biggest issues. they don't have ambulances in rural areas in some cases. >> jon: how do you convince them that the things will be done in your administration will impact their lives in a tangible way? >> governor walz: yeah, they need to feel it. i often times talk about this as a teacher. the maslow's hierarchy of self-actualization, you have to have a lot of money and time to self actualize. they are worried about -- when they say they are worried about

the economy, believe them. they are worried about the economy. you can't tell them inflation is down, interest rates are coming down. they need to angible things that will make a difference. talk to them what a $6,000 tax credit looks like as opposed to a trump tariff that would have 20%. these are folks that want to find a reason to not vote for donald trump. we need to get them back. so i think in the midst of th this -- [applause] i said, coming out after that opening, it is terrifying what they are doing but that is all distraction for him with a trump distraction. he is dangerous. he is serious. he's not going to do and you manufacturing. >> jon: it's interesting. if i judge it from -- again, new york is not a swing state. we see the commercials. we are inundated with the commercials, mostly for down-ballot races and things like that. if i were to look at this as an alien stepping into the selection, just from the commercials, i would think that republicans vote on two things: stopping people from coming over the border and stopping

trans people from playing sports. like, those are the only two commercials that i've seen, and the democrats, oddly enough, run on two things as well. stopping people coming in from the border. they have accepted it. all the democrats that are running for congress or other offices in new york, all talk about the border, and then choice legislation. then you would think those are the only two things that are going on that anybody is talking about. so it's interesting to hear that it is more economy. >> governor walz: they asked people to rank the issues where they are active and depending on where you rank them. these guys figured out early, fear is a great short-term motivator. i often say, i supervised the high school lunchroom. i know fear works. it doesn't change behaviors. i still believe that there is this aspirational peace, and really listening to our people are accurate and small towns, these are not hateful people but they are wondering, where the manufacturing jobs go? donald trump ship them overseas. tariffs and things like that. we need to make sure that we are making the case that, looks, this is how this is going to specifically infect you.

we hear you about this. >> jon: but i would think the democrats -- when you talk about shipping things overseas, you know, he would say nafta or free trade, things that really hollowed out the manufacturing. now investment in infrastructure and all that has brought a lot of it back. but that is kind of an albatross around democrats apart if your snack you is next which is, our trade policies kind of helped this globalization. >> governor walz: it is a fair argument but i also think that covid changed the outcome of the breaking up their supply chains, and look, we can have fair trade. we produce more soybeans in minnesota than we are going to eat. we need to have markets for them but it needs to be fair, making sure the jobs are here. i think that is the one thing when you talk to people, what are their aspirations, they want to have good jobs, they want to have safe communities, they want to have good schools because these guys are going to go to the voucher of schools, where are you going to find a private school in a town of 400 where i grew up? where are you going to find a hospital? >> jon: you bring up an interesting point because we talk a lot about, is this

red-blue divide, different things. what about the rural and urban divide? it really does seem as though policies for one group are very difficult to apply to another group. even with guns. you know, guns in rural america means a very different thing than guns in places where it is more densely populated. >> governor walz: yeah, but dead children in their schools means the same thing in rural areas. [cheers and applause] >> jon: absolutely. >> governor walz: look, i understand that that has happened. i won a congressional seat, the second democrat and 100 years in a red district. donald trump won that district by 17 points. >> jon: your district. >> governor walz: and i still won again. that district has changed. what i win the district today? it would be a tough race as compared to what it was. but the issues have not changed. i think this issue around guns especially, being a gun owner, responsible gun owners know that you can protect second amendment but your first responsibility is

those kids and you can do red flag laws, you can do extreme risk perfection orders, background checks, and you can do getting assault weapons out off the streets. [applause] >> jon: so you know -- >> governor walz: i think we made a mistake on that. >> jon: one of the real first qualifications of being a vice president is obviously, rifle safety. >> governor walz: yes, it is. >> jon: i can't think of a vice president in recent memory that used a shotgun irresponsibly. >> governor walz: that's right. [cheers and applause] >> jon: the cheney thing -- do we really have to do that? >> governor walz: look, it goes farther than that. look, bernie sanders, dick cheney, taylor swift -- >> jon: no, no, no. no, no. >> governor walz: having the cheneys on board? >> jon: you can't dick cheney or taylor swift. no!

>> governor walz: perfect ten. >> jon: what country did taylor swift get us to invade? no! >> governor walz: don't you think, though -- and i do this, i believe this. there is still a core group of folks out there. your point being, the don't tread on me, the reagan piece of this, the libertarian piece of this, the constitutional piece, there are a lot of people out there. i think liz cheney and dick cheney give permission to those folks who want to find a reason to do the right thing. it doesn't mean they agree with us. we are not going to take a foreign policy decisions and discussions and implement those. we are going to take -- >> governor walz: promise? >> governor walz: yes, promise. [applause] [laughs] it's a stressful time. >> jon: it's a stressful time! now for you, is your day now, you wake up, are they hitting you with -- we get inundated with the polling data and they

are really digging down into each thing and it is, quite frankly, the 24 hours, ratchet up, i think some of the anxiety around all of this. is that what your day is like? are you protected from that? >> governor walz: yeah, somebody is doing that. whether it is saginaw and i will be off with tomorrow, looking forward to this, we will be in madison, wisconsin, with president obama tomorrow. [cheers and applause] >> jon: but will they say to you, like, we've got that data in and today, if you don't get betsy from outside of bucks county, we are done? >> governor walz: but it is the overarching message. it is saying, look, we know that suburban women are deeply concerned as they should be, and i will add to the men here, you should be deeply concerned about the choice legislation. [cheers and applause] it is less about -- my job at this point in time, to get those volunteers who are fired up and look, if you are in this mode and you can doomscroll through things and you can watch polls or whatever, the antidote is that is just to make sure he is

never elected again, to go out and do the work and make sure we elect kamala harris and get this done. >> jon: action, action, action. >> governor walz: that is what my day is. >> jon: how different has been being on the national stage from being on -- look, you got a pretty long career in politics. you know, in congress, as governor. now that you are on the national stage, has that changed your ability to do that sort of retail politicking that comes from more local things? what has been the difference? >> governor walz: no, i think i'm still doing this. i said this, i had the skill set that i know it. one thing is, i told people, i'm not that great a debater. i was a schoolteacher so i'm trying to answer questions. that is not a good debating skill. but i still think that reflection, but i am most proud of, i think it is "the wall street journal," they did to the financial disclosures, and they said, tim walz might be the poorest person to ever run for

vice president. but surprisingly, teachers, firefighters, it does give me an in with people. it gives me an intro talk about this, why do you think i'm fighting for these policies for defined benefit pension plans, the ability to form a union, to make it easier to be in a union? [cheers and applause] >> jon: see, i think that is a fascinating thing. it has always struck me as odd. i can render a time -- might have been in the 2016 campaign or 2020, where donald trump jr. said about his father, "he's a blue-collar billionaire." i said, i'm pretty sure that's not a thing. i don't think they make those. >> governor walz: yeah, and all the unions with us, they've got union politics -- >> jon: why have the unions, though, been more reluctant in the cycle? >> governor walz: they have talked politics inside. these are folks that are directly responsible for their members, and some of them split off. the bottom line is, how can you be with a guy who wants to bust a union, not there to make collective bargaining rights, not to make health care? >> jon: that is the cognitive dissonance i don't quite understand. >> governor walz: some of those leaders --

they don't have the leaders they need to. the vast majority of union leaders showed it. [applause] >> jon: you have the truck drivers and the teamsters and they might say, i am pro trump, make america great, putting on the hard hat and all that. and he is locked in with a group that wants to bring automation to all of those jobs. >> governor walz: right. >> jon: i don't understand how it makes sense. >> governor walz: we got to talk to folks better, we got to learn how to talk to them, we got to get out there because that disconnected -- i always said that as a teacher. my kids were getting the lesson, a lot of them, it is probably because i wasn't teaching it as well as i needed to. so i am still of the belief that we have to do a better job. i think biden kamala's message on the middle class, you are right. we have pages of this. it's too much. >> jon: it is too detailed. >> governor walz: how do you get a house, what is a tax cut looks like, and what does social security look like? we start talking to them. the vast majority of union members, the vast majority of middle-class folks know that.

>> jon: is there a question, in my mind, i always look at it, since reagan, we've turned into more of an investment economy, we've turned away from a labor economy. i always wonder, we've got little things here. got a child tax credit, home health care. is there a bigger swing? it always seems to me that the working people over the answer to them is, you need better representation. you got to get a better union. how do working people get that seat at the table where they get to participate in the shareholder economy? how come workers are not a part of that? >> governor walz: yeah, yeah. you elect folks who come from the middle class. so for example in minnesota, it matters to people, now you get paid family medical leave. in some states, but you get those types of things. and those are the things that workers are asking to have. you make it truly is. when it is easier to form a union, you take home more money. you have a better living style. i think making sure they see that connection for the folks that are electing them. >> jon: what is the proudest

thing that you instituted in minnesota during your time as governor? >> governor walz: free breakfast and lunch for kids. [cheers and applause] they learn better. couple that with early childhood, couple that with paid family medical leave, and the philosophy we have -- this is what i know kamala agrees -- you are either going to buy school buses and school meals or prison buses and prison meals. it makes more sense to go on the front end. it was all a lot of those problems. [applause] >> jon: we appreciate you, you come here, it is clear that a lot of our audience is undecided. [laughter] >> we love you, tim! >> governor walz: that guides for minnesota. >> jon: is that true? >> governor walz: saginaw. >> jon: he is not from saginaw. while you are in new york city, you got any plans? people come in from the midwest sometimes and they always ask me, where should i go for a

slice of pizza? >> governor walz: you are all going to be shocked by this. i am an avid runner and i got to go in central park and do a run. >> jon: did you really? is that the first time you went running in central park? >> governor walz: second time. after the debate, i went and ran in there. >> jon: did you really? >> governor walz: the next morning. >> jon: after the debate, he went running? >> governor walz: i needed that confirmation. "yeah, you kicked his butt but." [cheers and applause] >> jon: i lived in new york 35 years. no one has ever given me that kind of confirmation. when i run around the park, it is a very different vibe. >> governor walz: [laughs] >> jon: where is off to next? you are going to go with obama to wisconsin? >> governor walz: madison, wisconsin. >> jon: then the last two week run, what does that look like? >> governor walz: wherever they sent me. i'm guessing michigan, pennsylvania, back and forth. my wife is down in nevada. we'll be in georgia. north carolina with bill clinton the other day too, which was great to see. we were there on the first day

of early voting and the excitement, especially young kids voting. we will bounce around. [applause] >> jon: we very much appreciate you coming by and hanging out. ladies and gentlemen, the vice presidential nominee tim walz! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in

with your host for the rest of the week, mr. michael kosta! kosta, what's coming up this week? [cheers and applause] tell the people! >> well, by now, we all know what trump said about arnold palmer. but this week, i'll be investigating other famous dead guys' junk. for instance, winston churchill. jon, let's just say that during the war, he was getting double rations of hog! all right? it's true, jon. >> jon: i -- i didn't know that. >> well, then there's einstein. did you know his upstairs brain wasn't his biggest? you know what i mean? >> jon: i think we know what you mean. >> lot of dead penises. >> jon: michael kosta, everyone! now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> 14 million votes and he won, 22 people running, 22 democrats

running, looking at my hair up there. let me see. oh. i don't like it. i don't like it! excuse me. i'm going to recomb my hair, do you mind? i am going to recomb my hair. mr. future senator. mr. future senator. you got to get him [hip-hop music] - the two most important rules in my family were, never make eye contact with a junkie and never wake my father when he took his nap between jobs. ♪ ♪ we had to eat quietly. ♪ ♪ we had to sneeze quietly. we had to watch tv quietly. - at insane wayne's, we're knocking out high prices with championship deals on all tv, stereos, and video games! and this weekend only, we're giving away free nintendos

to whomever can beat the brand-new video game "mike tyson's punch-out"! that's right--beat the champ, win a nintendo! with promotions like this, i must be insane! [grunts] - nintendo for free? whoo-hoo! - shh! - back then, a free nintendo was a really big deal. - shh. - shh. - now they send me a nintendo every time i say nintendo! [hip-hop music] i loved playing "mike tyson's punch-out," even though the point of the game was for a small white boy to beat up grown-ass minorities. dang it, i lost. - you almost got to the end, though. man, mike tyson is the best-- the only dude from bed-stuy to ever punch his way into being rich. - and bite his way back into being broke. - move aside, cassius colored. - great, caruso's here. - hey, how'd you get extra health? - i got a cheat code. [all gasp] - isn't being white already a cheat code?

- whoa, he's already beaten the drunk russian, the dancing dominican, and the sushi-loving japanese boxer. - caruso enjoy beating up on those ethnic stereotypes so much, you'd think he was the lapd! [bell dings] [all cheer] - that's not fair. you can't use a cheat code. - well, you got two choices-- me using a cheat code or me using a beat code. - i started to wonder, what was the point of even trying if someone could so easily cheat to win? but i realized people were using all sorts of cheat codes to make their lives easier. - risky, i-i need help. my parole officer wants me to take a drug test. - drug-free cup of pee, 10 bucks. - risky, i've been dating a guy for, like, a month, and i think he's the one. how do i get him to commit? - positive pregnancy test, 20 bucks. - hey, risky, do you know where i could get a cheat code for, uh, "mike tyson's punch-out"? - for you, young blood, i got the ultimate cheat code.

this lets you skip to the final round to fight "tyson." [angelic choir sings] - ♪ ahh! ♪ [birds cooing] - go straight to the end of the game? i don't know--that sounds like a lot of cheating, and i'm not a cheater. - at that point in my life, i wasn't. - yeah, so? here's your chance to finally take a shortcut. - the only shortcuts are hard work and determination, chris. - that's as insane as me! do you want a free nintendo or not? - i'll take it. - 10 bucks. - see? you don't even have money to buy a cheat code. get a job. - um, can i put that on layaway? - you get the code when i get $20. - 20? you said 10. - well, now i know you really need it. - [sighs] - i'm going to tell daddy you're trying to steal money from the couch. - [scoffs] you trying to buy a cheat code? you'll never catch me using one. they're for cheaters. it says so right in the name. - hey, dum-dum, your face is a cheat code.

- she's right! - you fine, drew! - you can butter my biscuits anytime! - shoo! take your hormones elsewhere! - well, your cheat code is always blaming stuff on chris. - is not. - is too. - daddy, chris is making me and drew argue. - chris, don't make your brother and sister fight. [sighs] anybody seen my work shirt? - big man! thank you for letting me borrow your work shirt. - my uncle mike came to stay with us while his bedroom was being fumigated. while he had a pest problem, we had an uncle mike problem. but my mother always defended her brother. - uncle mike used my yellow belt as a napkin and got cheeto dust all over it. - now you got an orange belt-- problem solved. - uncle mike used my "miami vice" doll as a bottle opener and popped off tubbs' head. - then start liking sonny crockett better-- problem solved. - uncle mike stole my kidney while i was asleep! - you still got another one-- problem solved. - i figured you was throwing out your work shirt due to the mustard i accidentally spilt on it.

by the way, you're out of mustard. - you took my work shirt and spilled 3-cent worth of mustard on it? - julius, just wear your old work shirt for today-- problem solved. - [growling] chris, take drew and tonya to get haircuts, now. - whenever my mother and father were going to do some real yelling, she'd send us out to get haircuts. in the spring of '85, i was one argument away from being bald. - cheat code. - i'll take the kids. - damn it, julius. my brother is trying his best. can you just be nice? - mike doesn't deserve nice. he deserves a foot in his ass. - oh-ho-ho, i ain't taking sibling advice from a man who makes any excuse to not talk to his own brother! - me and louis not talking is exactly what makes our relationship work. - julius, your brother's on the phone. [garbage disposal whirring] [sighs] my brother means a lot to me.

can you please be cool about this, for me? - [sighs] okay, i'll try. you know, we're alone. i got a little time before my first job. i'm already not wearing pants. - mm, sorry, i got to go clean the bathroom. there's mustard everywhere. - [groans] [♪♪] did you know, there's a detergent that gets your dishes up to 100% clean, even in an older dishwasher? try cascade platinum plus. for sparkling clean dishes even on the toughest jobs. just scrape, load and you're done. switch to cascade platinum plus. pete g. writes, "my tween wants a new phone. how do i not break the bank?" we gotcha, pete. xfinity mobile was designed to save you money and gives you access to wifi speeds up to a gig. so you get high speeds for low prices. better than getting low speeds for high prices. right, bruce? -jealous? yeah, look at that. -honestly.

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at papa johns the shaq-a-roni is back! it's our extra biggy, ultra foldy, super pepperoni pizza. the biggest of the big. with more cheese, more pepperoni and more shaq! get the shaq-a-roni for $12.99. only at papa johns. order now to earn rewards. yeah! (vo) hi, we're visible. order now we offer one-line wireless plans with no hidden fees for just $25 a month on verizon's 5g network. one flat rate every single month. unlimited data included. your wireless should be... visible. cue the confetti. switch at visible dot com. - hey, manny, if i sweep up all this hair, can you give me $20?

- you're already doing it for free, dummy. besides, what you need money for so badly anyway? - i'm trying to buy a cheat code for a video game. - i wish i had a cheat code to get out of nam. the only cheat code for that was to be white... - oh. - or die. - whew. - cheat codes for black folks are few and far between. - i totally agree. so can i borrow $20? - i don't have $20, little man. i'll give you something better, a free story about choices. - i'd rather have the money. - too late! chris, like you, i once had a choice between taking the hard road or using a cheat code to make my life easier. - [groans] - that makes thurgood marshall our first negro supreme court justice, a job that entitles him to a lifetime salary, free meals, and an endless supply of robes, all on the backs of white middle-class taxpayers. lots to celebrate, for him. - isn't it so inspiring? - yeah. salary, food, robes! mm! that man is set for life. i got to be a judge.

[upbeat music] but as i pursued my judge dream, i realized i misjudged how hard it was to become an actual judge. wait, i got to go to law school, too? shi-i-i-t. i started to doubt if i'd reach my dream of living that easy life. but the day your parents got engaged was the day i got my cheat code. - and he took a second job just to pay for the ring. he delivered my newspaper, and then he delivered my heart. we're getting married! - taking two jobs was worth it for rochelle. i'm sure it's just temporary. - [sobbing] both of my babies are leaving. one's becoming a judge, one's getting married. who's gonna eat my free cooking? [sobs] whose laundry am i gonna do? who's gonna unstick me from this couch on a hot day? oh, lord, now i'm stuck! [wailing]

- julius, this might be too much for mama to take right now. you know what, mike? after we get married, julius and i will move in so you can go to law school. - oh. [smooth music] - you hungry, baby? you got to eat up for your studies. ♪ ♪ - as much as i love my dream, i love you even more, 'chelle. i'll stay home. - no, mike, you can't do that. - yes, he can! thanks, mike. we owe you. - i'm going to hold you to that. staying home gave me financial security, free meals, and i still get all the robes i need. - wait a second. he used his story to get out of paying me! that grifting man-child. - that man is a genius. - he's not a genius. he's a delusional fool. right, baby? [smooching]

- yeah, but the point is, he used a cheat code and got what he wanted. - look, chris, do you think mike tyson used cheat codes to get where he's at? you trying to be like iron mike or uncle mike? - aah! - [snoring] - back at home, my dad was doing his best to play nice, but uncle mike was breaking my family's biggest rule. - big man! - huh? - just got back from the barber. you want some lunch? - no, i want some sleep! - i heard you got some leftover pot pie. can i have it? - you can make love to that pot pie, for all i care. just get out! - big man! what do you cook a pie at? - 425, uncovered for 10 minutes. what am i doing? listen! do not bother me again unless it's an emergency! got it? please! - big man, emergency! there's no pie left. - you did what? you can't just throw him out. he's my brother! - if i don't get my nap, then i get tired driving my truck.

if i get tired driving my truck, i could fall asleep. if i fall asleep, i could crash. if i crash, i could die. if i die... [grunts] you have to get two jobs! [grunts] is that what you want? - take your stupid nap. i'm going to look for my brother. [door slams] - [grumbling] stupid mike. stupid pot pie. stupid. [door bells jingle] [hip-hop music] [door closes, bells jingle] - so, chris, i heard you're trying to get yourself a cheat code. - who's cheating? - she's cheating with some man named code? - is that marci's boy? - do he got a job? - yeah, it's for a video game contest. [all groan] - [sighs] but i'm not sure if i should anymore. - he means he'd cheat if he could, but he's too broke. - using cheat codes is a bad idea if you ask me. want to hear my life story? - no, thank you. - i come from a long line of hairdressers. my grandmother became the first person to give a white woman cornrows. the community got so mad, she was banned from doing hair,