>> would you like to dance? >> no. >> ♪ they have everything for young men to enjoy ♪ >> stop squirming. >> well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing. >> you wanted to do this, okay. just be brave. >> i know, but you're not a professional, and i'm thinking maybe we should have gone-- >> i'm doing-- no, i'm doing it for free. just, you have to stop squirming, otherwise i'm gonna mess up. >> are you sure that's not the gay ear? >> gay ear? are you 12 years old? >> well-- >> look, i'm gonna count to three. >> count to 20. >> no, i'm gonna count to three. one, two, three. >> ow, son of a bitch! >> andy, that was just the ice. >> it was? >> yeah, it was. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> michael: welcome to "the daily show!" wow! i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. kamala is putting on a festival, tucker carlson makes everyone uncomfortable, and with the election just 12 days away, everyone in america is slowly losing their minds. so let's get into it, "indecision 2024!" [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ with less than two weeks until election day, kamala is calling in the reinforcements. tonight, she held a rally in atlanta with bruce springsteen, tyler perry, and barack obama. and she announced that on friday, she'll be joined in houston by beyonce. [cheers and applause] woo, baby! talk about a get! the last time beyonce appeared on stage with a presidential candidate was hillary in 2016, so things are looking good!

it's in the bag! but don't get the wrong idea. donald trump has been bringing in some special guests, too. >> i've never -- i've never in my life spoken at a political rally. i've covered a million of them for over 30 years and i've never spoken at one, never thought i would. i can't believe i'm here. [laughs] >> michael: [evil laugh] hey, i don't wanna be a hater, he's excited for his first political rally. seems like a perfectly reasonable time to laugh like an old-timey villain who tied a woman to the railroad tracks. [evil laugh] let's hear what his argument is for electing donald trump. >> there has to be a point at which dad comes home. and when dad gets home, you know what he says? you've been a bad girl. you've been a bad little girl and you're getting a vigorous spanking right now. you're getting a vigorous

spanking because you've been a bad girl and it has to be this way. [audience reacts] >> michael: okay, so this might be why you've never been invited to speak at a political rally before. you see, america? these trump people, they aren't weird. they just know that trump is a big strong daddy that is coming home to spank us all! totally normal stuff! i can't wait to hear tucker's thoughts on the economy. "inflation is like a babysitter. and she's been naughty..." but hey, that's just me. donald trump, what are your thoughts on tucker's intro? >> i'm gonna come. >> michael: right, right. i figured as much. i figured. so kamala and trump are pulling out all the stops to get their message out to voters. but at this point, it seems like many voters have heard enough. >> how would you describe the onslaught of political ads so far this year? >> chaos, complete chaos. >> they're ridiculous. >> absolutely no escape.

i mean, you go on tiktok, facebook. it's everywhere. >> we're all sick of it. >> i think it's overwhelming. >> it's wearing me out. >> all of a sudden, it's nothing but, like, illegal immigrants, she's the border czar, she's not the border czar. and we're just trying to get into fall spirit, you know what i mean? >> michael: yeah. look what you've done, america, you've ruined this man's fall spirit. you've made him so anxious, he can't even enjoy apple picking anymore! i'm just kidding. nobody really enjoys apple picking. except for me, honey! i can't wait to go this weekend. why would i want to sit on the couch and watch a football game when i could ruin my shoes to bring home 70 apples? i mean, we eat, what, one apple a week? it totally makes sense that we'd bring home two years' worth of apples. "but with the leftovers, you can make an apple crisp!" no one has ever made an apple crisp! my point is, there's a lot of political ads, especially in the

swing states. i spent a weekend in pennsylvania recently, and every single commercial break, it was kamala, trump, kamala, trump, on and on and on. i actually wept tears of joy when a "kars for kids" ad came on. and then one of those kids said "kamala harris wants to turn me trans!" and i realized it was another campaign ad. jesus christ. and it's not just that it's annoying. this barrage of politics, it's taking a toll on our mental health. >> a new poll from the american psychiatric association finds that 73% of people surveyed cite the election as a source of anxiety. >> 31% said they're fearful when thinking about the election. now a separate survey done by pew research found a majority of americans feel exhausted when thinking about politics. most said it made them feel angry. >> people's irritable bowel syndrome is flaring. that happens every election cycle. >> michael: irritable bowel syndrome! this election is so scary, americans are literally shitting

themselves. [applause] got some sufferers in the audience today. although, this works as a convenient excuse. you can leave the bathroom at your friend's place, like, "sorry about the smell. election year." but if you ask me, there's one major sign that america has lost its mind this election. and that sign is our behavior around, well, signs. >> they've been snatched from yards, burnt to pieces. in another critical battleground state, wisconsin, police receiving several reports of stolen and vandalized signs. one letter left behind saying, voting for kamala harris will lead to blood on your hands. trump supporter ben ganther says he isn't taking any chances after he had one of his signs stolen and another sign cut through. >> they didn't get the trump sign this time because i had wrapped it in chicken wire. >> michael: are we really stealing signs now?

you know that person can still vote? it's not like if you take their sign off their lawn, they're going to be like, "huh, i forgot who to vote for! what's that sign say? "deer crossing?" i guess i'll vote for deer crossing!" the only thing more deranged than stealing someone's sign is the lengths that some people are going to to prevent that sign from being stolen. >> a resident in leesburg, virginia, took matters into his own hands, sparking panic after rigging his anti-harris sign with trip wire and alarms. in tempe, arizona, police arresting 60-year-old jeffrey michael kelly for hanging multiple anti-harris signs with white powder and razor blades attached. >> michael: all right, you guys are really going to kill someone over a campaign sign? pace yourself. the civil war doesn't start for two weeks. jesus christ, fellas, maybe it's time for a hobby, no? i never thought i'd say this fellas, but have you tried apple picking? my wife is looking for someone to go with. but trump supporters better watch out with their anthrax and razor blades, because democrats

can hit back just as hard. >> john scarborough had a sign showing support for vice president harris in his garden until one night it disappeared. >> i got some gold craft glitter, mixed it up with some vaseline, and i smeared it on all four edges. you know, i don't want anybody to get hurt, but i at least want them to understand that actions have consequences. >> michael: yep, and there's the election in a nutshell. the republican strategy is to kill you, and the democratic strategy is merely kinda gay. although, to be fair, have you tried to get glitter out of anything? i'd rather grab razor blades, to be honest. and you don't have to booby trap a sign to stop a thief. you just have to get high tech! >> missouri resident laura mccaskill putting an apple air tag on her harris-walz signs after she says thieves stole them three times. >> could you open the trunk of your vehicle and show us that it's not there? >> using the gps to track down these young men and their mother all as cameras rolled. >> i'm sorry.

this is funny. why don't you just take them all? here you go, liberals. >> well, but just, it's -- it's more than that actually. >> no, it's not. it's so stupid. just go vote. >> it's a felony, ma'am. >> no, it's not. get over it. >> yes, it, it actually is. >> ma'am, please don't throw these at me. >> mom, stop that. >> i'm so tired of this. >> michael: hold on, you're giving them attitude for the stuff your son stole? that's the law and order party for you. "no, see, when we commit crimes it's funny." but honestly, i'm disappointed in these high school kids. they're spending their saturday nights going around stealing political yard signs? if they were my kids, i'd be like, "you go to your room and smoke weed like a normal teenage boy!" the way i did. [applause] but i don't want to give you the idea that everyone is stealing yard signs. no, some people are adding them! >> a davis voter is raising concerns after a ups driver was caught on camera leaving opposing political signs on her lawn. >> the driver here seen walking

up on the property, leaving about ten tiny trump flags. >> when shelly bales checked the lawn of her davis home, she found these, nearly a dozen small flags supporting former president donald trump's 2024 campaign. >> michael: aww, make america cute again! seriously, you call that a maga flag? good luck beating a police officer unconscious with that! what are you even hoping to achieve with a flag that small? you think someone's going to be walking by, like, "whoops, i dropped my keys, and i don't even know who to vote for. hey, i have an idea!" you know what the problem with all these people stealing signs? they face no repercussions. tucker carlson was right. these people need a vigorous spanking. yeah, yeah. these men need their exposed bottoms spanked bright and rosy red. >> i'm going to come.

>> michael: yeah, we know. [laughs] look, here's the bottom line. i know we don't like these elections that last two years and cost a billion dollars, but we've got to learn to deal with it. and don't give me the "oh, what if we had shorter elections that cost less money?" that's just not how democracy works. unless, of course, you're talking about canada or france or britain or germany or australia or every other democracy on earth except for ours. but don't worry, if you feel like you can't take it for another two weeks, there is one new service that has a solution. >> millions are cro crossing our border. >> a second trump term. >> are you stressed or exhausted from this endless campaign? then you need hole. for just $12.99 a day, we will drive you into an empty field and throw you into a hole. deep down in the dark, you will be free from the flood of

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it's a whole new kind of brisket, done the chipotle way. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." the campaigns are targeting all sorts of microdemographics in these last two weeks. ronny chieng sat down with one that's been getting some unexpected attention. ♪ ♪ >> people have a lot of dreams for j.d. vance. we are dull, oddball. certified freak seven week. but does he deserve his reputation? >> some glazed and sprinkle stuff, some of these cinnamon rolls. >> whatever makes sense? nothing about the way he did that makes any [bleep] sense. recently, his wife out of him on national tv for something even weirder. >> he has all sorts of dorky interests. >> i want you to explain what the dorky habits he has. >> she said, he's going to kill me for saying it but it is "magic the gathering," which is a card game. it is similar to pokemon.

>> that is right. before j.d. vance was a powerful political shape shifter, he played "magic the gathering," a collectible card game that has been around since the '90s. so we magically gathered a bunch of card-carrying dorks to see how they thought vance's allegiance would affect their community. >> so what is "magic the gathering"? and how would you explain it to someone who doesn't give a [bleep] about any of this shit? >> it is a turn-based card game. you get resources, you get those by playing the lands or others sources. you get creatures and that is what you use to attack your opponent and you try to accumulate it over time. >> at what point do you grow up and stop playing this shit? >> but how do these super nerds feel about one of their own trying to move out of his mom's basement and into the white house? >> are you worried that j.d. vance playing magic will make you guys seem weird? >> no. >> no. >> heat that's a step up in my book. >> you need a certain level of intelligence to play magic.

>> because you're making a bunch of tactical decisions based on what is going on. >> being able to decide, i don't ever want to have a woman touch me. i would rather play with some dudes in a smelly room. >> it doesn't always smell the best in here. >> vance also said that his favorite strategy was something sinister. i think. i still don't understand the [bleep] game. >> j.d. vance says when he played "magic the gathering" from his favorite deck was -- what the [bleep] does this mean? >> it is a combo deck where you get to trade your life away for power? >> he's doing what he needs to do to end. even if he is being a dirty player. >> so is is a disqualifying time of the way a felon should not be president? >> i probably wouldn't trust someone if they're willing to sacrifice so much just to get ahead. >> like how j.d. vance spent years talking shit about trump and now he's running with him. >> people that are played it too much to be fun. >> you could draw 20 cards if you want which gives you a ton

of advantage. you can't be touched for a whole turn. >> i wouldn't worry about that. pretty sure that is not a factor in play, play, independent of cards. think about was vance's nerd cried enough to work some magic in the voting booth? >> who is voting for trump-vance? who here is voting for harris-walz? and undecided voters? what are you going to do? it in the voting booth and roll a 20 sided die? >> may be. >> what is harder to explain to your family. being an undecided voter or being an adult man who plays magic the gathering? >> a gay guy who decided to vote actually. my parents are haitian. born and raised. so they are like, what do you mean, we don't eat cats. >> but did use say that j.d. vance also played "magic the gathering"? >> no. i don't think that is going to dissuade them. >> how these wizards and

warlocks really undecided? i needed to explain politics in a way they could understand, using a custom election 2024 magic deck, i gave these monsters a truth to snack on. >> i summon j.d. vance. when j.d. vance come up boy wonder, enters the battlefield, all haitian preachers are returned to their owners lands. you feel a little more decided now? >> i think so. >> one down, three to go. however, these players were teaching me a valuable lesson, that we are all losers. but especially them. >> when a creature like that gets exiled, you can choose if you are commander to put it in the commands own or leave it there. >> how do i lose quickly? >> got to choose wrong. >> pick a number, one, two, three, four. >> ready? >> i picked three. >> i picked two. >> rfk jr. and elon musk die. >> great. >> i will pass this.

>> i will go find an island. >> having a little bit of fun? >> i'm having absolutely no fun. >> time to do was all a favor and january 6 this shit. game over, nerds. now go vote. and don't tell anyone i wasn't smart enough to understand the dumb game. [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you, ronny. when we come back, fat joe will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy-nominated artist whose new starz series is called "fat joe talks." he's also a healthcare reform advocate working with "power to the patients." >> if you want to do right by workers, employers, and unions, then you got to do right by the people they represent and the families who depend upon them.

we got a hero. prices now. power to the patients! >> michael: please welcome fat joe! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: yes! yes. fat joe in the house. bronx. from the bronx. >> bx! let's go, yankees! let's go, yankees! woo! [cheers and applause] >> michael: fat joe, i got to admit, when i was introduced to you many years ago, you looked a lot different than right now. are you still fat joe? >> i think i'm more handsome now. >> michael: you are more handsome now. >> thank you, brother. [laughs] >> michael: you are not fat joe anymore. >> yeah, i lost a lot of weight, man. i'm trying to stick around, man. [cheers and applause]

life is so beautiful. >> michael: is that the hardest thing you have done, is -- the hip-hop industry the hardest thing you have done? what is the hardest thing you have done? >> the hardest thing i have done is trying to get a law passed in washington, d.c., for health care price transparency. [cheers and applause] >> michael: shit, yeah. >> that is what has been my hardest -- >> michael: it was easier to lose 250 pounds than get a law passed in washington? >> this is the only thing, you go anywhere in the world, you don't get a price for. over 100 million americans in debt due to health care price transparency. so it is real in every family. so you want to create a system where they tell you the prices, so we can know where we go. >> michael: tell me exactly what power to the patients is. >> power to the patients is an organization that is fighting for the american people. there is people afraid to go to the hospital to get health coverage because they are afraid of what the price is going to be in the long run because this is like you are just pulling in the

hat, coming up with whatever. so that is why you see people limping across the street, you see people struggling, and then it just is a snowplow, and before you know it, you are in real trouble. there is a guy who went to the hospital for an epipen and they charged him $18,000. he went online and saw it for $100 online. >> michael: there is a guy on my subway stop who will give it to him for 25 bucks. >> hey, maybe that is the guy selling me my ozempic. [applause] >> michael: you just had an no opportunity at the bet hip-hop awards to interview vice president kamala harris. how did it go, first of all? >> it went great. [laughs] >> michael: politicians -- i don't want to say struggle. maybe they are confused or maybe they try very hard to reach the black and brown man community. what can they do? are they doing the right stuff?

>> i would think so, it depends. it depends what you are looking for. some people, of course, the black and brown community has been disenfranchised for many, many years, but the men, i don't know. you know, this race just boils down to, will a man vote for a woman? that is all it boils down to. i have read the analytics and every which way, shape, or form. there is an obvious person to vote for. now are you going to be man enough to vote for a woman? [cheers and applause] >> michael: right. i like that. i like that. >> michael: your new talk series, "fat joe talks." >> that's right. >> michael: you talk to celebrities like method man but also politicians like hakeem jeffries. >> that is a good one. >> michael: tell me, is it

important -- did you tackle different kinds of people on purpose? >> i really like to talk. >> michael: you are good at it. >> i'm really good at it. i like to jump in but i learned. i learned how to just let the artist, the person talk, give me their perspective and then i will lean in. normally, you will not get one word in in the house. >> michael: i love that. you haven't had a solo album in 14 years. now you are working with health care reform, for more health care transparency. can you be transparent with us? is there a new fat joe album coming up? >> yes, it is. it is called "the world changed on me." >> michael: it is almost like i what is it called? >> it is called "the world changed on me." so i feel like i'm the last ungentrified rapper. i got the bodega. i got the bodega on the block, hell no, we won't go, and we just want to keep this real hip-hop alive. "the world changed on me" is pretty amazing. >> michael: i look forward to

it. thank you for chatting with us. >> thank you so much. >> michael: check out powertothepatients.org! and new episode of "fat joe talks" on fridays on starz. fat joe! we are going to take a quick break. we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ "black” by the soft moon ♪ ♪ ♪ don't care what ♪ ♪ don't care what they have to say ♪ i think we need a bigger yard, with our credit? ow, ow, ow, ow. credit karma can show us how to improve our credit for free, then we can get a place with a bigger yard. yay. intuit credit karma. download the app today. ♪♪ let's unretire. ♪♪ why not? ♪♪ pepsi! hey, hey, hey. i need that senior discount. ♪♪ i'm good right here, bro. ♪♪

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with cascade platinum plus, i have upped my dish game auntie, in that dishwasher? watch me platinum plus gives you the highest standard of clean, even in your machine. clean enough for you? yeah! scrape. load. done. cascade platinum plus. >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i wish i put it on tape. every time, i say, i love these conversations. i could tell you what i did.

here's the problem, every time -- i want to tape every conversation! the problem is, i start thinking about richard nixon did that and i say, you know, let's do without the tape. without the tape. >> s ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy ♪ peter, come on, time to get dressed for our valentine's day dinner. we don't want to be late for our reservation. reservation? yeah. i decided we're going someplace nice this time. not like last year when we went to the outback steakhouse, but it's "out" as in the gay way.

we'll get to the specials, but first, i need to tell you... i'm gay. the hell you are! no waiter of mine is gonna be gay! peter, please. he's our waiter. he's the only waiter we have. lois, our waiter is dead to us. we have to focus all our attention on our hostess now. he-- he just needs a little time. [weakly] scott... i'm finally ready to hear the specials. well, happy valentine's day, lois. let's have a dying marriage side-face kiss. mwah. well, i better set out a can of tuna fish and a cigar for arthur valentine. i can't wait to see what he brings me. uh, you want to tell us what the holy hell that was? [sighs] i'm afraid it's something we made up that we finally need to deal with. you see, years ago, when chris was in preschool... [crying] peter, poor chris didn't get a single valentine today from any of his classmates. what? why not?