no, actually, most of them went to go see a movie. what? shut up. yeah. and then they all went in meredith's mini van. it is so nice to be back in a country that has movies. i bet, you guys. can i come? oh, lake wobblegon's on. do you guys-- are you cool with that? guy (on radio): the lutherans brought their banana bread, but fred nordquist had no appetite. he was thinking about his pair of new boots. it's been 10 years, after all, and as he told mrs. nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show!" [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. so let's get this straight. tonight -- and we talked about this with the audience earlier -- this is my last show before the election. but not my last show. i am coming back, baby! [cheers and applause] but it doesn't mean i am not stressed out. it's very stressful. the election is in a week. i only have one week left to decide who to i'm going to vote

for. normally i just vote for whoever "the washington post" endorses. but i am not an amazon prime member, so. but anyway, because it's the last week, both candidates have been out there on the trail making their closing arguments. first, kamala harris had a rally with beyonce! i cannot wait to hear her sing! [cheers and applause] "freedom! freedom!" she'll do that better than me. >> your vote is one of the most valuable tools and we need you. >> jon: no -- no singing? just a heartfelt statement of the importance of this election? [bleep] it, i'm voting for trump. that's just -- you know what, as luck would have it, donald trump was holding a rally

my backyard, madison square garden! the world's most famous arena. [boos] they are not booing. they are saying "bruise." i bet this is going to be incredibly entertaining and uplifting as the trump campaign enters its optimistic morning in america phase. with its lineup of stars! >> the [bleep] illegals, they get whatever they want, don't they? >> they're on the side of the terrorists! >> she is the devil, whoever screamed that out. >> her and her pimp handlers will destroy our country. >> she is the antichrist. >> the first samoan, malaysian, low iq -- >> i love you, donald! >> [laughs] i mean, what? [laughter] >> jon: i will never not be

charmed by his girlish laugh. now generally, that's a lineup that you see outside madison square garden yelling at strangers as they try to get inside madison square garden. and let me just say, how dare they desecrate the stage that the piano man has consecrated? how dare you? how [bleep] dare you? [cheers and applause] you know how many "scenes from an italian restaurant" he's going to have to play to exorcise the demons that were on that stage? there is not enough "downeaster "alexas" in the world to clear out the xenophobic stench. you pieces of -- but of course, for the media, there was one moment in particular that raised the alarms. >> the opening act grabbing

headlines for all the wrong reasons. a comedian who offered unfunny, racist, cringe-worthy jokes. >> basically calling puerto ricans trash. >> the most repulsive racial jokes about latinos. >> disgusting and hateful. >> so incredibly crude. >> frankly, just too x-rated to play here. >> extremely vile so-called jokes. >> jon: extremely vile so-called jokes. she name-checked my comedy album from the '90s! did that really -- [cheers and applause] i don't know who is ai. me or that guy. now obviously, in retrospect, having a roast comedian come to a political rally a week before election day and roasting a key voting demographic, probably not the best decision by the

campaign politically. to be fair, the guy is really just doing what he does. here he is at the brady roast a few months ago. >> the great jeff ross, ladies and gentleman. jeff is so jewish, he only watches football for the coin toss. gronk, you look like the nazi that kept burning himself on the ovens. kevin is so small when his ancestors picked cotton, they called it deadlifting. >> jon: yes, yes, of course, terrible, boo. [laughs] there is something wrong with me. i find that guy very funny. i am sorry! i don't know what to tell you. i mean, bringing him to a rally and having him not do roast jokes, that would be like bringing beyonce to a rally and not having her... [audience reacts] [laughs] but you know what, those people,

those are just the underlings! and they brought a real dark, apocalyptic version of america to the stage. i'm sure former president trump will temper those passions. >> on day one, i will launch the largest deportation program in american history. we're going to get the criminals out. >> jon: day one? have a snack, meet the staff! day one is typically, we just read the syllabus! there's generally no homework! but okay, day one, mass deportation. how exactly is that going to happen? >> i will invoke the alien enemies act of 1798. [laughter] >> jon: who the [bleep] told

donald trump about the alien enemies act of 1798? because i'm going to bet you something. he did not come to the meeting and go, "hey, why don't we use the 1798 alien enemies act? would that apply?" he's not a history buff. as we remember from his dissertation on robert e. lee's role in the critical civil war battle of gettysburg. >> and the statement of robert e. lee, never fight uphill, me boys. never fight uphill. they were fighting uphill. he said, wow. that was a big mistake. >> jon: "he should have used the alien enemies act of 1798 to clear his enemies."

wow. from the man himself, that is his priority, day one, "i'm going to round up all the so-called "illegal immigrants." it's a tough policy, but i guess it's got to be done. and it's not like anyone else -- i.e. legal immigrants, or american citizens -- are going to be caught up in that dragnet. i'm sure trump's got a very detailed and precise plan. how many people are we talking about? >> millions of illegals. >> they think it's 2 million, it's probably five times that amount. >> you hear 15, 16, sometimes you hear 17. >> we have 21 million. at least 21 million. i think it's much more than 21. >> jon: so we are going to be rounding up and deporting between -- two and more than 21 million people?

but listen! they're all bad! and they have all committed terrible crimes! and we have cataloged, without due process, the terrible things they have done. yes? >> in springfield, they're eating the dogs. the people that came in. they're eating the cats. they're eating -- they're eating the pets of the people that live there. >> jon: so between two and 21 million people. and while they weren't doing that -- still! chase them with guns! because at the very least, they are here illegally. yes? they are illegal! >> donald trump threatening to deport thousands of migrants in the country legally. >> jon: so that one is tricky. but i'm confident on day one, when trump does his mass deportation of anywhere from two to 100 million people, it will

not be you. it will be them! because of how precise trump is, especially when it comes to people of color. >> i know willie brown very well. in fact, i went down in a helicopter with him. >> the african american politician in question was not willie brown, but rather this man, nate holden. >> holden saying, "willie is the short black guy living in san francisco. i'm a tall black guy living in los angeles. i guess we all look alike." >> jon: i guess there is confusion there. but he's not deporting california politicians day one. and that story made him look racist. it's not the point. he really can't tell white people apart either! >> you're saying marla's in this photo? >> that's marla, yeah. that's -- that's my wife. >> which one -- woman are you pointing to? >> here. oh. >> the person you pointed to was e. jean carroll and the person -- the woman on the right is your then-wife. >> i don't know this was the

picture. >> jon: you know what i just realized? donald trump doesn't have affairs. he just thinks everyone is his wife. [cheers and applause] so clearly, an attempt to deport between 30 and 500 million people is going to be complicated, so it's going to be important to know how carefully the former president would execute his plan. >> a lot of the millions of people have had children here who are american citizens. so yes to mass deportation even of women and children. and so on? >> so we're going to look at it very closely. the way you phrase it is exactly right. you put one wrong person onto a bus or onto an airplane, and your radical left lunatics will try and make it sound like the worst thing that's ever happened. >> jon: because it's the worst

thing that ever happened to them, the american citizens you mistakenly deport! yet trump is like, "and that makes me the bad guy? and why is my wife interviewing me? you are my wife, right? marla? ivana? ivanka? i don't know." this sounds awful, but as everyone knows, you can never listen to what trump's saying and hear it. >> i think you're taking everything a little bit too literally. >> look, trump speaks in hyperbole. this is nothing new. >> he's telling you what was in his heart. you always want to go with what's come out of his mouth rather than look at what's in his heart. >> jon: you're right. why hold former presidents to what they say they're going to do? from their mouth holes? perhaps if we only look inside his heart.

then we could see -- whoa! that's a lot of french fries and that's a lot of -- that's not good. let's see if there's anything behind it. oh, god! and bear spray! i wonder which one of those is good cholesterol? look, you know what, sure, maybe trump's just talk. but on day one, when the deportation of between 2 and eleventy billion people begins, what will be the guiding principle? perhaps we should ask the dead-eyed architect of these plans, stephen miller. >> america is for americans and americans only! >> jon: ah! that makes sense. we're only deporting people who have come here illegally, or people who have come here legally, but sneaky-legally. or people who have children who are actually citizens! or some people who look like they may have come here illegally. or some people who have

protested the war in gaza, or a special prosecutor trump doesn't like! like jack smith. by the way, name a more american name than jack [bleep] smith! where are you going to deport him to? faneuil hall in boston? or maybe we are just going to be deporting people that "always bring wretchedness and want." i'm sorry, that was how we described the irish in 1832. or people whose race inherently has a certain kind of criminality. oh, i'm sorry, that was the italians in 1911. the point is, every one of these groups was, at a place and time, on the wrong side of not being american enough. and right now, you think you're safe, because the group trump's talking about, it's not you. as if, "are you sure this isn't my wife" donald trump can tell the [bleep] difference, or even cares! that the day-one implementation

of the 1798 law that was last used to intern japanese and german citizens in world war ii will be a fine-toothed comb. it just makes me very sad. the whole thing -- >> jon, jon! >> jon: what the heck? [cheers and applause] jessica, is that really you? >> yeah, of course it's me. you think i'm a hologram? hmm? you think comedy central has hologram money? i'm just here in real life to tell you something, okay? don't be sad! jon, everything's going to be okay. for you. a white guy.

a rich, old, white guy. >> jon: you think my rich old white guy privilege will save me? >> maybe, but honestly, how much longer do you really have living-wise? you have a terminal d, right? >> jon: a what? >> a termie disease. are you dying? >> jon: no. i'm fine. why would you think that? >> i don't know. just your general vibe, and the whole face thing. woof! but i get why you've aged so much. it's been a whole ass year of you grinding it out every single day on the show! >> jon: i only host on mondays. >> oh. really? damn. okay, double woof. look, it doesn't matter. come on! come on! it doesn't matter. because for non-old white people, for people of color, and women, and queer people, it's going to be a completely different story. all right? let me give you some advice.

>> jon: please. [cheers and applause] >> look, jon, i know you're exhausted. hell, i'm exhausted. everybody's exhausted. anger and disappointment in our political discourse is exhausting. but it's easy to throw up our hands and be like: "fine. [bleep] it. i'm tired. go ahead and take people's rights, i'm just going to plow through a case of trulys and binge 52 episodes of "love island." oh, you want to know what those are? >> truly is a hard seltzer, and "love island" is like "gilligan's island" with [bleep]. >> jon: oh! what channel is that on? >> hey! focus! i just want to be clear: do not let them exhaust you. don't let the constant draining bullshit wear you out. do not turn away. look it right down that barrel and say: not today, apathy. i'm only having half a case of trulys. and no matter what happens, we have to throw our arms around

the people who need us the most, and hang the [bleep] on! all right? [cheers and applause] except for you, jon. i'm here now, you can let go. let go, jon, i'll tell them your story! >> jon: but i just signed on for another year. >> what, with your doctors? >> jon: no, with the network. >> oh, my god! you crazy. you think you're going to live for another year? that's optimistic! [laughter] >> jon: jessica williams, everybody! [cheers and applause] when we come back, governor josh shapiro will be joining us. so don't go away. come here! [cheers and applause]

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>> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, pennsylvania's chief executive. please welcome to the program governor josh shapiro! sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ nice to see you! >> governor shapiro: good to be seen. >> jon: let me tell you something. it has been so long since i have had a guest my size. they come in here with their height. >> governor shapiro: i did this for you. having a good day. trying to help you out. >> jon: that is exactly right. i was reelected for another year. it was that easy. [cheers and applause]

the question, it is very clear to me, people are on edge and away i haven't seen in a very long time. in your mind, you are on the ground there. who will be the president of pennsylvania? >> governor shapiro: [laughs] my wife, laurie, will be the president. >> jon: really? >> governor shapiro: it will not be me. >> governor shapiro: she will win. >> jon: either tired of the swing state status, the constant barnstorming of your lovely state of pennsylvania? >> governor shapiro: yes and no. it is close. for those of you out here worrying about this, the last two presidential races in pennsylvania came down to a less than a point. so of course, the polls are going to be close. now our folks tired of maybe some of the commercials and things on tv? yeah, but i think folks also understand that they have an extraordinary power here. and with that power comes a real responsibility. i think may be -- >> jon: dude, you can't just add here" "spider-man." you can't just --

with power comes responsibility? >> governor shapiro: i want to take a leap here from "spider-man to ben franklin. follow me on this. follow me on this! ben franklin, famously, one of the signatories to the constitution, signed the constitution, walks out of independence hall, is greeted by a woman on those cobblestone streets of philadelphia. she looks him in the eye and says, "mr. franklin, what do we have here? a monarchy or a republican?" franklin looks her in the eye and says, a a republic, if you can keep it. those five words, "if you can keep it" is our calling card come our charge. we enjoy this temporary status of a swing state. but let me tell you something, we've been fighting for democracy for 248 years a and i will be damned if we will stand out on this task. we will stand up and get the job done and i believe we will elect kamala harris as an ex-president of the united states. [cheers and applause] by the way --

>> jon: haven't even ask you a question. >> governor shapiro: ben franklin, my predecessor. it is true. he is the craig kilborn of pennsylvania. >> jon: he was the first host. >> governor shapiro: he was the og. >> jon: was mentoring them the governor of pennsylvania? >> governor shapiro: he was. >> jon: that was not something i knew was a part of the story. i knew he would walk out on the street and women would accost him about the form of gove government. i will say this, we talk a lot about democracy and fighting for freedom and all those kinds of things. and i'm of a mind-set -- and it gets to something you had done a pennsylvania -- donald trump, to me, is a symptom of a government that is at times not particularly agile and responsive to the needs of the people. it is what breeds space sometimes for demagogues. you did something in pennsylvania that i thought was really interesting, that he

hadn't seen in a long time. 95 burned down. there was -- for those of you who drive in that area, 95 is the aorta. >> governor shapiro: 76,000 cars and trucks every day. >> jon: right. it burns down and i'm immediately thinking -- because you know, i'm aware of construction projects, i live in new york city. i immediately think, oh, pennsylvania is now closed. >> governor shapiro: [laughs] >> jon: and it will be nice. i have family there. and hopefully, they will be alive. 15 or 20 years from now. you fixed it in, what -- >> governor shapiro: 12 days. [cheers and applause] >> jon: how? what was done? >> governor shapiro: first off, we brought the attitude that i talk about every day and governing. our gse attitude. i think i can see it here. ever get shit done attitude.

>> jon: i'm going to stop you there. >> governor shapiro: but i'm serious. i think a lot of the times, folks don't have that attitude in government. and they sort of let things happen here and we have a get shit done attitude. we have the best workers in the world and those philadelphia -- >> jon: there are barriers. there are regulatory barriers. >> governor shapiro: and we summoned everyone together. when folks told me it was going to take a month to figure that out, i would say, you have an hour. when they said, we have three days, i would say, you've got a day. what we constantly did is push the envelope. when we push people, they felt empowered and they were able to stand up and they made decisions when they were standing on that roadway and they were innovative and they were creative, and we had the best workers in the world, and we showed, and when the eyes of the world were on us in pennsylvania, we knew how to get shit done and we got it done and we got it done in just 12 days. >> jon: but it's an amazing story but you understand my point, which is, oh, why aren't

we doing that for housing? >> governor shapiro: we should be. >> jon: right. [cheers and applause] >> governor shapiro: we should be. >> jon: for those who are so critical of our government, you look at that situation and go, wait a minute. this can be done? and it is just a question of, so those of us on the left to believe government still has a big role to play in people's lives, have we, in some ways, undercut our own argument by overregulation? or the types of things that keep us from getting shit done? >> governor shapiro: i think so. i believe government can be a force for good in people's lives. otherwise i wouldn't be doing this work. otherwise i wouldn't have dedicated my life to public service. but i think sometimes you are right. overregulation, too much overthinking, and taking power away from the people who work in government, who have dedicated their lives to serving others, and instead, you set up a process on top of a process on top of a process, you never actually get things done. it's one of my biggest frustrations. by the way, i think it is one of the things coming to your point

earlier, that has maybe led to people feeling frustrated, and looking for others who might be dangerous, destructive forces like donald trump, to kind of shake things up. we have heard that before. i want to shake things up in a good way with people who give a damn damn about other people's lives and want to lift people up, not tear them down. i think we are proving how to do that and pennsylvania. >> jon: what happened with 95, and 12 days, you take a disaster and rebuild it. have you thought about doing it with the pennsylvania turnpike? >> governor shapiro: i think we are doing all right with the turnpike. >> jon: you are not doing all right with the turnpike. >> governor shapiro: you are on the jersey side. >> jon: no, you get a certain point past bucks county wherever the nice people are and then all of a sudden, the whole ride is this. and then all of a sudden, somewhere around happy valley, it just goes down to one lane and you are like what the hell is going on around here? >> governor shapiro: it is infrastructure night here at "the daily show"! >> jon: thank you! >> governor shapiro: this is a serious point. when people see their roads being fixed, when they see their

internet being connected to them when they see the lead being taken out of the water lines so the kids can drink water and the parents don't have to worry about it, that is real stuff that matters to people. that is putting points on the board for folks. that is on i'm trying to do everything pennsylvania. that is what kamala harris is going to do for the country. [cheers and applause] >> jon: beautiful. so when you have that experience with 95, did you go back into the kind of infrastructure agenda or the other things in pennsylvania and was it an epiphany? did you think to yourself, oh, i've got to go in there with a more forceful, innovative attitude to do that? have there been other things that have occurred that you thought, hey come on man, i think we've got something here in terms of a methodology? >> governor shapiro: we do. let's stay with roads and bridges. last year in pennsylvania, as a result of that gse attitude, we repaired more port condition bridges than any state in the entire country. we did that because we are aggressive, for the funding together, and we empower people to say, that bridge is a problem, let's get to work,

let's get it done. people want to see their tax dollars go to things that benefit them, shorten the commute times, get their kids to school on time, whatever it is, and we are getting that done in the commonwealth. >> jon: connect that to their lives. was it hard for you? you are very much talked about as a vice presidential candidate and you were vetted. were you better? >> governor shapiro: i was. >> jon: and when they vetted you, did they go -- >> governor shapiro: no. >> jon: after they vetted you, did they say, do you do see how many gummies that guy had? >> governor shapiro: i wish, i was pretty boring. the hardest part was going back to my old taxes. >> jon: how far back as i go? >> governor shapiro: o one night i am sitting on the floor on all fours, trying to go through all the paperwork -- >> jon: no, i don't need to know that. >> governor shapiro: and my wife walks in and she goes -- [laughter] i walked into that, didn't i? >> jon: you walked into that.

>> governor shapiro: my wife walks in, she looks at me and goes, if only the american people could see you right now. i'm literally just trying to find my taxes. >> jon: right now they are imagining it. but it does surprise me. doesn't the federal government have your tax records? >> governor shapiro: yeah, i don't know. [laughter] there wasn't much to see, jon. >> jon: [laughs] can we be done now? >> jon: no, stay! so you are on all fours. >> governor shapiro: this is not where i would thought this was going to go. >> jon: was a disappointing? was there a feeling that you had of people say it is because he's jewish, or too ambitious? was there something inside you that thought, what was it? >> governor shapiro: no. not at all. listen, first off, kamala harris made an outstanding pick and tim walz. he is a great guy. his wife is great friends with my wife, lori. these are great public servants and tim walz is going to be a

great vice president of the united states, and i am all in for kamala harris and tim walz. [cheers and applause] >> jon: right. and you have been, by the way, really barnstorming pennsylvania. i mean, really. do you come what is the key in pennsylvania that you believe, he has a tremendous amount of strength in the rural areas. does it come down to once again to the suburbs of bucks county? is it about turnout in philadelphia? what are the parameters of what makes -- pennsylvania has a couple hit a place? >> governor shapiro: i guess the answer is all of the above. you mentioned bucks county, pretty springy county in a swing state, philly is important. but don't rule out those rural areas. i spent a lot of time out there, listening to folks. they will deliver for a democrat. >> jon: they did. years ago, those were really blue areas, the blue-collar areas. >> governor shapiro: some of that has changed over time but part of it is, i think, they have been sort of thirsting for