un with you. just you, not everyone in the circle. okay, i am gonna go walk in the water now. yeah, it's a good day. pam, that was amazing. but i am still looking for someone with a sales background. ♪ flintstones meet the flintstones ♪ my name is andrew bernard. i was with a group called dunder-mifflin. hello? ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: yeah! boom, boom, boom, boom! yeah! welcome to "the daily show!" i am your host, jon stewart! [cheers and applause] you know what? we're! come here! here! welcome to the resistance. [cheers and applause] i promise you.

actually being for she facetious, but okay. i promise you, for the remainder of the next four years, i will only speak to you in this tone of voice, this close to the camera. i will be relentless. or, well, they will -- i'm here mondays. really not even that many. there's dark weeks, holidays, and the point is this. you can count on me for... truly about 15 hours of resistance total. all right, go back out to the thing. welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen! [cheers and applause] we've got a great show for you tonight. [cheers and applause] oh, look at that tie. later, i'll be talking with thomas j. brennan, he's the founder of war horse, a non-profit military reporting

organization. they do fabulous work. a gentleman in the audience asked me a little bit earlier. he said, hey, last week, what happened? he may have meant it rhetorically. but if you remember, the last time we spoke, it was midnight on election night, and it seemed even at that moment very clear donald trump had won the election in a bit of a thumpening. now part of the disorientation of the democrats losing the electoral vote, and the popular vote, and losing ground in the cities, and the areas around the cities, and the areas around those areas -- i guess you call it "america" -- was that we'd been told by many of our prognosticators that it was going to be close! boop!

we ran the results in the computer 100,000 times! she won 50,001 times! he won 49,999 times! but in this coin flip country, i was confident, because the democrats had a secret weapon in a close election. perhaps the most important weapon. >> since joining the race, the vice president has raised an eye-boggling $1 billion. >> jon: call me eyes boggled! see, the democrats, in a 50-50 election, a war chest to be spent on had a billion dollars. a war chest to be spent on data analytics, and polling, consultants, and very clearly, texting. there was a lot of texting. a lot of that money went to, "how the [bleep] did they just text me? i am in the tub! i don't even have my phone. it just came through the water! and while, of course, maybe just giving away a million of it every day would have been the

smarter, more efficient plan, no! the billion dollars went towards the one thing republicans didn't have, couldn't have! that would put the democrats over the top. >> the harris campaign has a massive ground game, 50,000 volunteers. >> volunteers knocking on five million doors in pennsylvania alone. >> this is the first time some democrats have told me they have ever heard of people knocking on the same doors a second time or a third time. >> jon: you know, if there's one thing people love more than someone appearing randomly at their door once, it's that same [bleep] person coming back two or three times to talk politics. even though everyone from vacuum salesmen to jehovah's witnesses know that's a losing strategy

in fact, they have known that for decades, let's just spend a quarter of a billion dollars on it. you know what democrats should do? whatever money is left over, just send those same people back to those voter's doors. and just knock again during dinner, and when the homeowner comes to the door, go: "what the [bleep], scott? i thought we connected!" but the reason why -- and i give them some shit for their strategies -- but there was a method to the democrats' madness. >> democracy and freedom are on the ballot. >> our democracy is on the line. >> we have to protect democracy. >> have to work even harder to make sure that we defend our democracy. >> we don't get to choose when we're asked to defend democracy. we just have to do it. and this is not a drill. >> jon: noble words.

and i'm glad to say democrats did protect democracy, just for the other side. [laughs] because when all is said and done, we had a free and fair election, in which the democrats had been prepared for almost every scenario but one. >> the harris campaign has built probably the most sophisticated, robust, impressive voter protection program in the history of presidential politics. >> we have millions in the bank ready, with lawyers all over the country that are ready. >> democrats have been planning on every single one of these options for four years. are democrats ready? you bet they are. >> we have county clerks ready to go, secretaries of state ready to go. >> jon: so it's all lined up! what are we forgetting, people? we got the lawyers, we got the production. what did we forget? "jimmy, did you bring the voters?" "i thought you were bringing the voters!" "i brought the "hate has no home here" posters.

nobody brought the voters? where are the [bleep] voters?" it turns out the election was stolen... by more people voting for donald trump! that's quite a caper! "ocean's 74 million." gah! so now, as many on the left fear the future, many others rue the past. >> joe biden should have dropped out earlier. >> there should have been an open primary. >> people never got to know kamala harris. >> they spent too little time talking about the economy. >> wildly overestimated the power of the abortion issue. >> chose the wrong v.p. >> managed to alienate historic numbers of latinos. >> abandoned the working class. >> democrats need a new way to talk about urban america. >> do that joe rogan podcast!

>> jon: trump spoke to the people. democrats never once mentioned arnold palmer's [bleep], never once! yet focus group after focus group said, "you got anything on arnold palmer's [bleep]? not, can you at least stand and sway to "ave maria?" for like an hour? can you at least do that? but it's a delight to hear about why it happened from so many people who were so wrong about what was going to happen. and everyone has their own pet theory. but there's one theory that a lot of people seem to be coalescing around. >> they were too woke. >> insisting that people use the term "latinx." >> too far to the left on transgender rights. >> you have to say "they," no, you have to do this. >> stop with the virtue signaling. >> step away from woke. >> focus less on who is woke and more on who is broke.

>> social justice issues take a backseat when your son is in the basement vaping and playing video games and can't find a job. >> jon: i feel like that guy was really venting more about his son. everybody else had sort of a broader point but his was just so specific. you really got to focus on, let's say, a kid in your basement, vaping and jerking off all over the couch, night after night! but point taken. everyone is talking about this "wokeness" theory, from cable news to the op-ed section. and sometimes, the op-ed section being read on cable news. >> we want to get to the maureen dowd piece.

maureen dowd's piece for "the new york times" entitled "democrats and the case of mistaken identity politics." >> jon: ooh! that was "morning joe" host mika brzezinski discussing a "new york times" column by maureen dowd... on how to escape the liberal bubble. i guess i'll just have to get "the times" and read it myself unless there's a way to make it less entertaining. >> we're going to read the entire piece, but it is worth it. >> jon: about wokeness? i couldn't even stay woke through the whole [bleep] thing! why don't you read us the wordle. i only have one problem with the woke theory: i just didn't recall seeing any democrats running on woke shit. these were the commercials i

saw for the democrats! >> sherrod brown is working to fix our border crisis. >> mondaire jones is working to secure our border. >> pat ryan is restoring order at our southern border. >> i'm laura gillen and i'm here at the border of nassau county. we're 2,000 miles from mexico, but we're feeling the migrant crisis almost every day. >> jon: in nassau county? by the way, suffolk county, make my [bleep] day. you want a piece of our strip malls, you're going to have to go through laura gillen. those are the democrats! the democrats! i'd gave the police more than they wanted! i gave them tanks and tanks! i built a moat around the country and filled it with alligators and chlamydia! they didn't talk about pronouns, they didn't say "latinx." it was the opposite!

>> we can't let china steal wisconsin jobs. >> benefits for illegal immigrants? no way! blocking support for white farmers? i mean, look at me! >> standing with law enforcement against defunding the police. >> i've owned a gun my whole life. >> let me be clear. i don't want boys playing girls' sports. >> you all know me. i've never pushed for sex changes. >> jon: well, that's just a weird one at the end there. "come on, guys, you know me! he's like george bailey in "it's a wonderful life." "i'm in your shops every day, i never push for sex changes! mary! it's me, george bailey! i'm not trying to get you to get a sex change! wishing i was dead!" and don't forget about kamala.

it's not like she was exactly waving around her npr tote bag. >> i have a glock. >> jon: they didn't do the woke thing. they tried! they acted like republicans for the last four months. they wore camo hats and went to cheney family reunions! do you know how dangerous it is wearing a hunting hat around cheneys? do you have any idea? [cheers and applause] i thought i had one more rip in me. i didn't. democrats were mostly running against an identity that was defined for them based on a couple of months of post-george floyd, defund the police, me too instagram posts from four years ago. what happened was, the country felt like government wasn't working for them. and that democrats in particular

were taking their hard-earned money and giving it to people who didn't deserve it as much as them. and so the democrats got shellacked. i'm sure any robust examination of better policies is very welcome, but i just want to please assure people, this isn't forever. this is the map in 1984 when ronald reagan won. that is the map! the only state the democrats won was minnesota. yeah. everyone thought that's the end of the democrats, but eight years later, there was a democrat back in office. we don't know what's going to happen in four years at all. the only thing that is certain is this: >> you all know me. i've never pushed for sex changes. >> jon: when we come back, thomas brennan. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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but that cough looks pretty bad. try this robitussin honey. the real honey you love, plus the powerful cough relief you need. mind if i root through your trash? robitussin, with real honey & elderberry. [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, we are delighted to have him on. a decorated veteran who served in iraq and afghanistan. he's now a journalist and founder of the award-winning nonprofit newsroom, the war horse. please welcome retired u.s. marine corps sergeant thomas brennan! sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] nice to see you! >> thank you for having me. >> jon: first, i want to congratulate you. what thomas has created with the war horse, very briefly, tell them. it is such an impressive

organization and idea. it is a very small organization. but it is about military journalism in a different way. tell us what that is. >> so the war horse is a team of seven full-time-you'res right now that we are a nonprofit newsroom focus on the human impact of military service. we published long form investigative reporting. we host writing seminars that join the next generation of writers that are veterans and military family members. >> jon: kennedy, part of your team, the reporting that she did on toxic exposure was, i think, instrumental. >> kelly's impact on the veteran community, as far as raising awareness about toxic exposure has i think really helped you and other advocates have a tremendous impact on the veteran community and make sure that future service members that are poisoned by the department of defense get the health care they deserve. >> jon: yes, and they will be. that is kind of how that operates. >> kind of the thing.

>> jon: what did you think, when you started, what were you not seeing a military reporting that made you think there is a better way to connect these stories to veterans themselves and active military service members? >> when i first got off active duty, i worked as a local reporter outside of camp lejeune in north carolina. i was the last full time military in 2014 when i left to go to journalism school. so there hasn't been a military reporter in eastern north carolina at the second marine corps base in the world since -- for ten years now. so what i noticed at the boots on the ground level is i was covering stories of national importance and because of the decline in the military -- or in the journalism ecosystem, those stories weren't being picked up, people weren't hearing about them. it wasn't until i published one story about the national defense authorization act in 2013 where they were cutting suicide prevention care for active duty service members, i wrote a story about that, the secretary of defense within three days reversed the furloughs, restored

mental health care to full capacity. and it was a moment in my career where i felt like i really saved a life. at that moment, i asked myself, how can there be a national newsroom that focuses on these topics and help increase awareness among the american public to the issues that veterans and military families face? >> jon: i have to say, it is a remarkable -- [cheers and applause] what you guys do -- and the tough part is, here's the part that makes me crazy. so it is a nonprofit. >> yes. >> jon: which most of news is now. not by choice. >> right. >> jon: but how difficult is it -- this is such an important service to the military community, to the nation as a whole, and yet, you've got to go out there and raise the money to keep just seven people out there being able to do that. how difficult is it to even get funding for these things? >> war horse was brought to life by 550 donors on kickstarter back in 2016. that was back and it was just myself with an idea. >> jon: just a web thing.

>> just a web thing. i want to journalism school at columbia, graduated, and i left with no plans of having a job. i just wanted to start the war horse. i figured i was young enough that it was an opportunity for me to have what i thought was a massive impact on the military and veteran community and i just decided to run with it. then those people wound up investing in me, investing in the idea. at that point, i couldn't give up. i had to keep going. >> jon: you weren't just sitting in your basement vaping. you know, that is a thing that is going on. a lot of kids these days, they sit in the basement vaping. >> i -- >> jon: [laughs] don't answer that. don't answer that! along with the work that you do, so i think what is remarkable about your story -- and i have known you for a long time and i'm just such an admirer of your dedication. but i didn't know your whole story, to be frank, until recently. this is now the 20th anniversary of the battle of fallujah, which

i think americans, for the most part, have heard of because it was considered one of the most bloodiest, dangerous battles. that was november -- november is the anniversary of that battle. >> correct. november 7th of this month was the 20th anniversary. to speed when you have done something i think that must be incredibly difficult for you, as a journalist, you are generally outside of the sphere of the story but this is something -- you were there. >> yes. >> jon: what made you decide you want to tell the story of fallujah and the group that you were with at that time and to tell it now? >> for 20 years, i have watched as the conversation about war and the experiences of the men and women who actually execute those wars on the ground be

controlled by public affairs officers and senior military officials, whether they are generals or officials at the pentagon. and i had a very -- i have a platoon that i served with in iraq and i have very unique access to be able to talk to them about our experiences. so around the 19th anniversary, i went back to them and i said, i really want to tell our story. i want to show the american public what happened during operation phantom fury from our perspective and without hesitation, all of the marines and corpsmen that you see in the film that we created jumped at the opportunity, never hesitated for a moment to hop on camera and share their story with the american public. >> jon: and i thought what was so interesting is you don't ever shy away from the fact that many of you struggled from that, but weren't able really to even share it with each other, and if you don't mind, would you mind telling the story of your

platoon unfortunately didn't come back intact. >> for 20 years, we have all, i think, it is fair to say we have avoided the conversation with each other. one of the things that i think is abundantly clear in the film is that we all struggle with survivor's guilt, like, our corpsmen blames himself that he could not stay him. i was down the street and it is completely irrational for me to believe that i should have shot a rocket into the house, but i feel that way. my lieutenant was in charge of our entire platoon and he feels like he has the burden of responsibility for why bradley didn't make it home. so it was a healing series of conversations that we were able to have back in august and i am just incredibly proud. i mean come our corpsmen and their marines that we served with were able to put their heart

on display for the american public in the hopes that they would listen to our sacrifice. like, we are just a dozen marines from a battle that included well over 1,000 of us, and that doesn't include the iraqis and the brits and the other people that participated with us. whether you are a mortuary affairs marine, and inferred true man, a pilot, or admin processing the casualty reports at the vase, every single person who was in iraq at that point felt the impact of fallujah and it has continued to shape how we fight our wars and how we deploy our troops up to today. >> jon: and the fact that you are able to tell the story, we spoke about this a few times, about the moral injury, about war being a failure on all levels of human civilization, and the fact that you guys signed up for something knowing

the price you could pay, and maybe even some of the things that had to be done, but that -- that leaving things on your soul. >> it is easy to look at an army infantry men or a marine in for treatment and say, oh, yes, the signed up to go to combat or go off to war. there is one thing the average american just doesn't understand, is that everyone who enlists or is commissioned in the military, regardless of whether you are adamant are you work at hospital or you fix trucks and turned renters or you are special forces, everyone is willing to make that special sacrifice. so i think we just need to start paying attention more to what we are asking service members and their families to endure on behalf of us as a country. it is a vital part of the conversation that is just missing and it is even less present in the journalism

ecosystem. less than 5% of all journalism focuses on the military and national security, whereas as you talked about before, it is our number one budget item in this country. so the disparity -- the conversation we are having on the conversation that needs to be had, it pales -- there is no contest. >> jon: i am struck also by the almost schizophrenic cultural way that we relate to the military. you know, i watched football all day yesterday and it was a celebration, justifiably so, people's sacrifice, but it was so steeped in kind of a numbing patriotism that didn't really explore, as you were saying. and then i watched what you had filmed and the disparity between what the soldiers are experiencing and what their families are experiencing and the kind of rah rah, it's

veterans day, come to denny's, it is 10% off. it is really jarring. >> it hurts as a veteran. it really does. i think i can speak for a lot of us when i say that performative thank you for your services, where somebody just continues walking and continues their dayd rather not get that. but i really want from the american public on veterans day and every other day is for them to actually care. like, care about the policies that are put into place that are going to affect veterans and military families and active duty service members. care about the use of force and when we send people off to combat. don't wait until the ten or 20th anniversary of a battle to reconnect with the service members who fought it. like, be proactive in this conversation because if it ever comes to the point where we get to a draft or where we need to send people off to a war, like,

it is going to be your son. it is going to be your daughter. it is going to be our nation's children who are answering that call and when that happens, it is too late to actually care. >> jon: right. and we need to understand what the true cost of that is, not just as a budget line. i want to play something from the documentary. you know, there is something in it. you talked about, you were there with the navy corpsmen and you talk a little bit about the responsibility -- not just that your whole platoon felt -- but the navy corpsmen in particular, that they sort of suffer in a strange silence. and this is -- it is a little bit from -- i believe it is his mother speaking about the death of her son and the army corpsmen as well. so can we run that really quick? >> i guess knowing he wasn't alone when he died was the most comforting and seeing how much

each one of you cared about him was sort of amazing to me. i don't think i really saw too much of your pain at the memorial service. i was in a state of shock. what i really feel like they were being strong so i wo woulde strong. >> my relationship with kathleen means a lot. she treats me as if i was one of her own. i can feel that she loves me just as much as a mother could love one of their kids and that means a lot. she is constantly telling me it is not my fault. i need to stop blaming myself. >> jon: what did that moment mean to him? >> i -- so that is r ronaldo, he is our corpsmen. corpsmen are why marines run into fire. they are why we stare down machine guns, why we are willing to kick indoors. it is because we know that they might not save us but they are going to do everything that they

can, as a marine, i cannot overstate how much corpsmen mean to us. the pain that i have seen him carry for losing him has been tremendous over the last 20 years and watching him -- we were sitting inside of the fallujah exhibit of the national museum and what people don't realize is that doc was kicked out for smoking weed after we got back from iraq. and the marine corps publicly shamed him and told him that he lost his honor and that he shouldn't be proud of his service. and i feel like this film let our platoon -- it helps doc feel pride in his service again. it helped doc feel like he tried his best.

it helped all of us see doc take a legitimate step forward in his healing, and like i said to the marine corps when i thanked him for letting us film layer, was, doc and our entire platoon left that exhibit with our packs much lighter. listening to kathleen read her son's final letter in there, listening to doc claim what the marine corps did to him, and how it has left a mark on his life, it may sound selfish, but it made the marines and the platoon feel like we had his back the same way that he had our back under fire, and i just -- i hope more than anything as i continue moving forward and as this film continues to build up steam, is that doc continues his journey to healing. because if there is anybody in

our platoon that deserves it, it is him. [applause] >> jon: well, thomas, i can't tell you how incredible the work is. it is not selfish at all. it is everything that i think the marine corps stands for, which is, we don't leave anybody behind no matter what happens. you do amazing work. love you. thanks for being here. >> thanks. >> jon: thomas brennan. be sure to check out thomas brennan"s piece, "shadows of fallujah," at thewarhorse.org. we're going to take a quick break. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jon: that is our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. jordan klepper! jordan klepper! [cheers and applause] jordan! what's coming up this week? >> jon, i'm choosing not to dwell on our grim future. there's lots to be happy about. in fact, i spent the weekend enjoying all this beautiful summer weather! >> jon: yeah, it was unseasonably warm. it is fall. >> yes, well, that would explain

the cozy smell of campfires! >> jon: that was actually wildfires, jordan. new jersey, brooklyn, from the drought. everything was pretty much a fire. >> i'm trying to be optimistic, jon! just this morning, i saw a horse and carriage ride by! actually, there was no carriage, and technically there were four horses. >> jon: you saw four horseman? >> i mean, they were hooded and floating, so it's hard to tell. >> jon: keep -- keep smiling. jordan klepper, everybody! now here it is, your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> now that good he discussed, and his view, could be unraveled, right? by a second trump admini administration.

oh -- okay. oh -- okay. we can't hear ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ happy birthday, lois. you know, today, you officially become the oldest woman i've ever slept with. yes. you said the same thing last year. well, unlike you, that joke never gets old. oh, and i forgot to pick up the cake. hey, lois, i don't like any of these snacks. can i have something from the kitchen? we can have snacks from the kitchen? i could go for a sandwich.

no. no one gets snacks from the kitchen. you see what you started? [knocking on door] hi. i'm here for the pony rides. -what? -oh, boy. this-this must be some sort of big mix-up. don't worry, lois, i'll handle this. -what's his name? -lightning. [laughs] that means he's fast. so, uh, lois, where are your parents? didn't they say they were coming? yeah, but i'm sure daddy had a last-minute work thing. he's always put business first. even growing up, he never came to any of my piano recitals. it was the '80s, so, he was always doing cocaine-and-sushi business meetings. all right, hideki, it's a deal. now, let's celebrate the way rich guys do, by... [inhales deeply] ah, damn it, i snorted the wrong one. ah, wasabi! wasabi in my nostril! [groans] still better than sitting through that piano thing. [knocking on door]

oh, hi, daddy. you missed the party. i know. i thought i'd apologize with an upper-class new england mumble-kiss. [both smooching] -i'm so sorry, dear. -it's okay. and here, i brought you a gift. -a gun? -yeah, you love guns. no, i don't. you don't know me at all. i can't believe you'd blow off my party then give me a handgun. especially, when there's kids in the house. hall. kids in the hall. damn it, daddy. i'm trying to explain that guns are hazardous and unsafe, not have a conversation about a tepid 1990s canadian sketch group. you're wrong about guns and comedy. i'm out of here. buh-bye. was that a tepid 1990s david spade reference? [father] people are allowed to like things! peter, you want to watch netflix? yeah, let's watch one of those stand-up specials. there's a bunch of 'em, they got to be good. no. no. tom segura? no. chinese girl.

another chinese girl. no. no. anjelah johnson? geez, they're giving one of these to everyone. -how come i don't have one? -you do, peter. this is the taped intro. mr. griffin, you're on. -[♪ upbeat music playing] -[applause] good evening, ithaca civic auditorium. [cheers and applause] so, i'm thinkin' i might get a bike. [cheers and applause] you know, one of these things? ring-ring, ring-ring. "i'll get you, toto!" [chuckles] yeah. i'm thinkin' i might. [cheers and applause] okay, i'm off to the grocery store. -so, what'd you do with the gun? -gun? yeah, my father gave me a gun as a present yesterday. where was that during birthday sex? maybe i would have finished. unlike you, guns can actually fire. i don't think this marriage needs a gun. anyway, i hid the gun someplace safe until i can figure out how to properly dispose of it. so, don't get any ideas.

good for lois. guns are a major problem, especially in the hands of someone like... [gunshot, glass breaking] it was in a box with chris's adoption papers... oh. -[gun cocks] -you heard nothing. hi, i got my gun here. i'd like to rent a stall, please. sure. you need a tutorial before you start? [chuckles] yeah, it's a gun range. i think i got it. wait! i think i did it wrong. so, how was the gun range, dad? did you shoot up that silhouette real good? [laughs] that is so my dad. [♪ upbeat music playing] now, here to sing the heart classic "alone", is chris griffin. [♪ mellow music playing] ♪ i hear the ticking of the clock ♪ ♪ i'm lying here ♪ ♪ the room's pitch dark ♪

♪ i wonder where you are tonight ♪ ♪ no answer on the telephone ♪ -[gun cocks] -[peter] turn around. [announcer] we now return to the orville on fox. why do you hate that show so much? [different voice] because it's preventing me from doing my work here at family guy. damn it, i think i loaded a bullet wrong. all right, let's all take turns looking down the barrel with one eyeball and see if we can figure out what's going on. chris, you go first. oh, my god! peter. give me that. this gun is not staying in this house for one more second. i'm giving it back to my father. yeah, it's been a disaster. like when peter was the only one not wearing black jeans at a rush concert. [cheering] sing "tom sawyer"! we already did. and what are you wearing? what? these are my concert khakis.

beat him! beat him in six-eight time. and don't let him escape to the completely unoccupied ladies' room. ah! no. please, uncles who voted for gary johnson, leave me alone. [whimpering] and now a song about radio towers. daddy? daddy, are you there? [whispering] don't do anything to scare him. he flew on my shoulder while i was having a lemonade. -daddy, i... -[squawking] -what? -daddy, you need to take this gun back. i never should have accepted it in the first place. and you never should have given it to me. are you sure? i bought it at anthropologie. oh. wait a minute, what am i saying? no. you have to take it back. i'm not. you're keeping it. it's a gift. damn it, daddy, why won't you just take the gun?

oh, my god! daddy! i'm so sorry. [gasps] it can't be too serious. they haven't done an overhead crane shot yet. oh, god! there it is! -i'm calling 911. -[line rings] oh, no. it's floating up, signifying his spirit leaving his body. [♪ single minor key note plays] and there's the single minor key note. this is bad. family guy will be right [squawks] back. well, now it doesn't seem so serious. [♪♪] did you know, there's a detergent that gets your dishes up to 100% clean, even in an older dishwasher? try cascade platinum plus. for sparkling clean dishes even on the toughest jobs. just scrape, load and you're done. switch to cascade platinum plus.

hey, quick question, any of you guys know how to countersue somebody? dr. hartman, please, how's my father? well, at this point, it's hard to say. he suffered severe head trauma. so, if you want to beat him in mario kart, this is your chance. [video game sounds on tv] and the champ is dethroned. oh, poor daddy. you know what? we're gonna bring him home with us and take care of him until he's 100%. what? oh, come on, mom. i want grandpa to get better, too, but living with us? why can't grandma take care of him? oh, she's busy. she went to antarctica al a penguin. -penguin? -daddy's gonna require all our love and support. well, you got the right guy for that. i'm great at supporting people. on mad men, i was christina hendricks' bra. joan, can you call a meeting of the partners? [peter muffled] help me. too much is being asked of me.

[chris muffled] at least you're there. i'm jon hamm's underwear. [stewie muffled] why am i elisabeth moss's socks? chris and i should switch. -[chris] yeah, let's switch. -[stewie] we're gonna switch. all right, chris, give me a hand with carter. [joe] hey, i heard another chair. oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god! he's not paralyzed, joe, he's just recovering. ah. all right, daddy living here, is gonna be a big adjustment, and we're all gonna have to make sacrifices. so, meg, daddy will sleep in your room, and stewie and chris, you'll stay where you are. what? i'm the only one sacrificing. don't be ridiculous, meg. i said everybody's names. come on, meg, it won't be any worse than when i took gerard depardieu to burning man. i feel so free. my breasts are muddied up. i'm tripping balls. easy, gerard, we're still at enterprise rent-a-car.

i'm gonna go crazy. you can poop anywhere. we'll take the insurance. all right, carter, now we're gonna try and jog your memory and get you talking with some familiar pictures. so, i'll hold them up and you say what they are. what? you don't know who this is? but he's so talented. anyone who doesn't know who he is brings shame on his children and wife. peter, come on. we're trying to help daddy, not relive our embarrassing loss to joe and bonnie in celebrity. all right, fine. next picture. what? you don't know who he is, either? go on, lois, scream at him that he should know. this guy was in a movie once. that means we need to put a fifth head on mount rushmore. damn it, peter, you should've known who he is. even joe knew. yep, joe sure did. hey, ansel elgort and gemma arterton are in a cary fukunaga film. good for them. all right, daddy, i know ncis is on, but i want to watch real housewives,

unless you tell me not to. [grunting] oh, those two hate each other. these two have a three-year-old feud based on an offhanded remark at a charity fashion show. [grunting] i'm sure andy cohen will explain it all on watch what happens live after the show. no! the show itself is bad enough! we don't need another show explaining what we just saw. daddy! you're back. please, anything but this show. we could watch netflix. uh, cleveland brown, "you startin' to see what i'm sayin'?" so, the president pulls the plug on an investigation into the president? you startin' to see what i'm sayin'? [laughter, applause] since you're doing a little better, daddy, i thought you should see where you work. it might help trigger more memories about your life. i work here? wow. this place is huge. what do we do? are we nice? you put pesticides in baby food.

-aw. -not only that, -your chemical waste gave a town cancer. -yikes. -you burned down the entire amazon rain forest. -whoops. -you're the number-one producer of whale meat. -sheesh. you dumped lead in drinking water. -zoinks. -your oil pipeline moved 12 native american tribes. -[whistles] -your fertilizer plant exploded, -killing 4,000. -[inhales sharply] -you bought vine and shut it down. -i did what? -you bought vine and shut it down. -i did what? -you bought vine and shut it down. -i did what? i'm sorry, daddy, but you're a very cutthroat businessman. and maybe worst of all, you engage in constant, gratuitous animal testing. sir, as you requested, we had all the monkeys watch vikings. did they like it? -do they think it's worth me putting in the time? -uh, no. -they didn't care for it. -good. this is valuable information. now have them watch sarah jessica parker and thomas haden church in divorce. sir, they've just watched 66 consecutive hours of vikings. -if you could... -oh, what, so you want humans to watch divorce? because if monkeys don't, that's what has to happen.

wow, i guess i was a cutthroat businessman. but what about when i wasn't at work? what did we do together? well, sometimes you made me reenact kids in the hall sketches that basically had no endings. -[♪ musical sting plays] -[cheering and applause] but to be honest, we didn't do much. your work always came first. really? and you still took care of me when i was hurt? i... i don't like who i was. but from now on, i'm going to be a better father and grandfather. we're going to spend real time together. really? oh, that'd be wonderful. i haven't been this happy since i went on safari. oh, my god. this is so much faster than firefox. [chuckles] all right, let me go to facebook. f-a... [sighs] it's auto filling "fat butt rodeo"? peter! you were supposed to stay on firefox.

morning, pumpkin. i brought muffins. you brought pumpkin muffins? what? no. wh-what? -but you said... -you know what? let's try it one more time. hey, sweetie pie. i brought muffins. -you brought sweet pies and muffins? -no. -[♪ musical sting plays] -[cheering and applause] we've already done that. damn it, now it's gonna go back outside. wow, daddy, you really meant what you said. it's been wonderful spending so much quality time with you. yeah, carter. you know, you've always been a real bastard, but i got to say, it's nice to see you turning things around. thanks. you know, you guys made me realize that i wasted my whole life caring about money, and i'm not giving up another second. that's why i've decided to retire from pewterschmidt industries and give all my money to charity. oh, daddy, that's wonderful. yeah, carter. good for you. thanks. you know, i was a little worried you guys would be mad about losing your inheritance. oh, daddy, i don't care. i've seen what wealth's done to you, and i certainly don't want that to happen to us. besides, we're regular people. we wouldn't miss millions of dollars, right, peter?

i'm thinkin' i might. so, it's weird being japanese. last night, my husband wanted 69. i said, "why do you want beef and broccoli now?" hey, that's chinese. i'll be honest. by the end of the day, my floors...yeesh. but who has the time to clean? that's why i love my swiffer wetjet. it's a quick and easy way to get my floors clean. wetjet absorbs and locks grime deep inside. look at that! swiffer wetjet. ♪♪ ♪ summer or new years... ♪ ♪ or today at noon. ♪ ♪♪ jen b asks, "how can i get fast download speeds while out and about?” ♪ or today at noon. ♪ jen, we've engineered xfinity mobile with wifi speeds

up to a gig, so you can download and do much more all at once. it's an idea that's quite attractive. or... another word... fashionable? i was gonna say- “popular! you're gonna be pop-uuuu-larrr!” can you do defying gravity?! yeah, get my harness. buy one line of unlimited, get one free for a year with xfinity mobile. and see wicked, only in theaters november 22nd. - achieving my goals as an adult was challenging without a high school diploma. with the help of an adult education center, i finished my high school diploma and it changed my life. oh my gosh. - this year's book is a testament to your accomplishments and how they have impacted all of us. - getting my high school diploma made me feel like i can do anything. now i can help the kids in my community achieve their dreams. - when you graduate, they graduate. visit finishyourdiploma.org to find free and supportive adult education. ♪ febreze! ♪ when it comes to my space... i've got to keep things fresh and tidy. just like mama taught me.

so i'm always spraying febreze fabric spray... to freshen up and fight odors. smells like home. smells like flowers to me, man. thank you, zeke. ♪ lalalalala. ♪ i got this $1,000 camera for only $41 on dealdash. dealdash.com, online auctions since 2009. this playstation 5 sold for only 50 cents. this ipad pro sold for less than $34. and this nintendo switch, sold for less than $20. i got this kitchenaid stand mixer for only $56. i got this bbq smoker for 26 bucks. and shipping is always free. go to dealdash.com right now and see how much you can save. [♪♪] did you know, there's a detergent that gets your dishes up to 100% clean, even in an older dishwasher? try cascade platinum plus. for sparkling clean dishes even on the toughest jobs. just scrape, load and you're done. switch to cascade platinum plus.