i do it every day. anyway, looks like everything worked out for the best. you know, brian, that acting stuff was a bit much for me, but i did quite enjoy the dancing and the cocaine. -yeah? -yep. -so, you're just gonna be a dancer and a drug addict? -for a while. i might crash when i'm 18, but then, i'll just turn to the lord and working out. i'll-i'll just be a 180-degree different type of insufferable. i used to need drugs to feel powerful, but now my power comes from my core strength. and let's look at that word, "strength." the "s" stands for sacrifice. no gain without sacrifice. the "t," of course, stands for the sufferings of the cross. -the "r"... -you want some cocaine? oh, my god, please, yes! that's all i want all the time! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got a great show for you tonight. america has chosen a direction, and now we're heading into it. barreling towards it, some might say. so let's get right into it in our new segment, "trump 2.0: coming for the white house." ♪ ♪ >> i am going to come. >> jordan: four more years of that! we all know trump has big plans for his second term: mass deportations, tariffs, and finally building that statue of arnold palmer's [bleep]. that's to scale! but the question is: who's going to come to the white house and help trump carry out his glorious agenda? and you know what, the man has

won the popular vote. he's earned the right to pick his new team. we owe it to him to hear him out without, you know, nitpicking. >> south dakota governor kristi noem is expected to be tapped as the secretary of homeland security. >> jordan: i'm sorry, if i could nitpick for just a sec. just a sec. kristi noem for homeland security? are you [bleep] kidding me? she's supposed to get the border under control? she couldn't even train her dog! although, i will say, i guess we know at least one mexican who's not making it over the border. [audience reacts] i know. very sad. very sad. this is our new reality. this woman has no national security experience. she's the governor of south dakota. that isn't even the best dakota. it goes north, fanning, johnson, then the building john lennon was shot outside of.

then south dakota. [cheers and applause] i will say, noem does have experience striking fear in the hearts of terrorists. wait, i read that wrong, terriers -- fear in the hearts of terriers. sorry, sorry. you know what, i said i wouldn't interrupt. who else is on board? a promise, promise, promise not to nitpick. >> the former president also turning to a former house member lee zelden of new york to lead the environmental protection agency. >> jordan: okay, just to nitpick for a second. republican congressman lee zeldin? last i remember, he wasn't a big advocate for the environment, but you know what, maybe he has some good ideas. >> what do you plan to do at epa? >> we have the ability to pursue energy dominance, to be able to make the united states the

artificial intelligence capital of the world, to bring back american jobs to the auto industry. we have the opportunity to roll back regulations that are forcing businesses to be able to struggle. >> jordan: so the head of the epa's top priority is protecting the auto industry, boosting artificial intelligence, and boosting business in general? where's the environment in all this? [cheers and applause] look at this. does the "e" in epa just stand for "eh, [bleep] it?" it's pretty cool how our nation's climate policy is like a battle over a thermostat. dad comes in and turns it down, then four years later, mom turns it back up. over and over until we drown.

the truth is, when you look at trump's cabinet picks so far, they're kind of all over the place. you've got mainstream politician marco rubio as secretary of state, far-right weirdo stephen miller as deputy chief of staff, congresswoman else stefanik as u.n. ambassador, even though she has no diplomatic experience. what common thread could there possibly be that would explain why trump hired all of them? >> president trump risks everything for us! >> leading us in this fight will be a man who, although wounded and facing danger, he stood up and raised his fist. >> he is the toughest man i've ever met. >> ever! >> nobody has endured more than what he's been through. >> nothing, absolutely nothing will stop president trump from standing and fighting for our great country. >> donald trump's a style icon. >> jordan: ugh!

blegh! "a style icon?" steven miller wants to put kids in cages, but that is perhaps the most offensive thing he said. but i guess that's the uniting factor. these people are kissing trump's ass so hard, they've got bronzer on their nose. and yes, he puts it down there. he covers his whole body in it except for right here for some reason. the most important person on trump's team right now doesn't have a cabinet position. elon musk, world's richest man, and guy who looks like a wax statue of himself that you'd look at and say, "man, that's a bad wax statue!" since the election, trump's been getting something that elon's 11 children will never receive: his full attention. >> elon musk, who's been spotted

at mar-a-lago basically since election day. he has been seen golfing with trump and hanging out at dinner. >> he is one of the few people sitting in this make-shift situation room that they built in mar-a-lago. >> elon musk has been weighing in on some of donald trump's potential picks, making it clear to the president-elect who he believes should have that role. >> jordan: oh, good, good! the world's richest man is helping the president-elect run the country. i'm sure by the time elon's done, his businesses will be unregulated, he'll have billions in new government contracts, and it'll be illegal to point and laugh at a cybertruck. [cheers and applause] don't do it. don't do it. don't make fun of it. i want to know. what else is going on in the mar-a-lago makeshift situation room? >> he's also been sitting in many times when he's been with donald trump on some of the calls from foreign leaders, including ukrainian president volodymyr zelenskyy. >> musk happened to be at the

club when zelenskyy called and that trump put him on speaker. >> jordan: poor, poor zelenskyy. hasn't ukraine been through enough? he's in a bunker, russian troops are amassing outside, and he's like, "don't put elon on, don't put elon on... hey, elon! yes, i did see you jump very high. yes. very cool, man, very cool! oh, yeah, the hat looked radical, man, cool." i guess because elon provides ukraine with internet through his satellites, this was basically a customer service call. which means when they put elon on the phone, zelenskyy was probably like, "ugh, i hate it when these things make you talk to a robot. human operator! human operator!" so now elon is by the president-elect's side, with no oversight, or security

clearances, or even a title! >> responding to speculation about his position in the new administration, musk posted on x: "i'm happy to be first buddy!" >> jordan: oh. you know what, let's go back to not having a title. "first buddy" sounds like a sequel to "air bud" where we elect a golden retriever to be president. which, frankly, i would take at this point. just -- [cheers and applause] it looks nice. just keep it away from kristi noem. you know? for more on the relationship between trump and musk, let's go live to mar-a-lago with michael kosta. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] michael. michael, the world's richest man and the president of the united states are colluding out of the public eye. this is corruption waiting to happen. >> god, you're cynical, jordan.

for you, the glass is half empty, but for me, the glass is a shiny mirror, covered in cocaine. you may see trump and elon as two billionaires colluding to promote their own self interests, but i see a blossoming friendship between two men. and in a time when male friendship is in recession, i think that's something that we should be celebrating. [laughter and applause] >> jordan: what are you talking about? these are two wealthy moguls taking advantage of the system. >> okay. so there's going to be some conflicts of interest. yes, we're all going to have elon's computer chips installed in our brains. but what's more important? government-mandated neurosurgery, or two old bros viciously vibing? >> jordan: the brain surgery thing is more important! >> you know what i think, i think you're just jealous that you don't have a male friendship like they do. when was the last time you hung out with a male friend, jordan? and i mean really hung out?

>> jordan: i mean, i guess... before the pandemic? a few years before the pandemic? does my dad count? >> aw! no, definitely not. see, you're lonely. but lucky for you, i'm right here. how many times have i said that you should get me a drink after work? or that you should let me let you buy me dinner? or that we should do a trip for the boys to cancun that you pay for? i mean, male friendship is right there, my guy. you just have to reach out with your visa capital one venture card and grab it. >> jordan: very generous. my new best friend, michael kosta, everybody! when we come back, we'll find out who won sports. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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(♪♪) it's big, its back, and it's only $6. get the big box y'all love today! and this holiday season you can order a cajun style turkey at your local popeyes. ♪love that chicken from popeyes♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." with the election dominating the news cycle, let's take a break from politics to cover the one thing that really affects your life: sports. for a full recap of the biggest stories in the world of jocks and straps, we turn to "sports war." ♪ ♪ >> get ready! it is time for "sports war"! brought to you by gambling! gambling. don't worry. it's our little secret. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: what's up, morons? i'm jordan klepper!

>> and i'm desi lydic! this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> jordan: so if i say, "travis kelce is the sexiest man in sports"... >> i say, no thanks, mr. met can still get it. >> jordan: i weep for your children. this is a special post-election episode of "sports war." it's a historic day for america. desi has broken the glass ceiling and become the first female co-host of "sports war." [cheers and applause] >> thanks, jordan, this completely makes up for kamala not winning. instead, i get the thrill of arguing about sports with an asexual balloon animal. let's start with the biggest issue for women on the ballot in missouri. a woman's right to choose... which team she bets on. >> just in, voters have approved a missouri amendment 2 legalizing sports betting. the yes votes won by just .3 percent. missouri is the largest state to

allow gambling on major sporting events. there will be a 10% sports betting tax rate. that money will then go to compulsive gamblers prevention fund and also missouri schools. >> wow, it used to be that the only way women could gamble in missouri was with a high-risk pregnancy. [audience reacts] but this is great news for missouri's underfunded public schools. congratulations to all the kids at fanduel elementary. >> jordan: desi, desi, desi, your take is as lame as that blonde wig. look, missouri does not deserve the majesty of legalized sports gambling. casino near kansas city, this is going to destroy my bottom line. some very bad people are not going to be happy. bye-bye, thumbs! >> that brings us to my ring-a-ding sure thing bet of the week: which one of jordan klepper's family members will receive his thumbs in the mail? brought to you by gambling. gambling: is your marriage too stable?

try gambling! by the way, if i can be serious for a moment, if you or a loved one has a gambling problem, use promo code "desi wins" and i get 10 bucks when you place your first bet. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: and if you're a newly minted gambling addict in missouri, good news! betting on the 2028 presidential election has already begun. >> jets quarterback aaron rodgers is among the favorites to win the presidency in 2028, according to betting sites. oddsmakers are giving rodgers a 30 to 1, or 3% chance, of becoming the next president. meaning, if you bet $100, you could win $3,000 if rodgers is elected. >> jordan: ooh, mark my words: aaron rodgers will not be president. head of the cdc, sure. but president? get real. his name is aaron. we can't have a president named aaron. that's like having an army general named skylar or a

co-host named desi. >> jordan, you anemic twizzler. you're as tall as you are dumb as you are feminine. aaron rodgers would make a great president. america has to elect someone crazier than donald trump in 2028, otherwise we'll lose our momentum. president trump removes fluoride from our water. then president rodgers removes hydrogen from our water. >> jordan: wouldn't that just make it oxygen? >> that's right, oppenheimer. last time i checked, oxygen wasn't making our kids gay. and yes, aaron rodgers has taken a lot of hits to the head, but some of our best presidents have had brain damage. abraham lincoln. john f. kennedy. >> jordan: now those guys were shot in the head! >> agree to disagree. >> jordan: okay, which brings us to my money go boom boom bet of the night: is america ready for its first cte president? as always, that bet is brought to you by gambling. gambling: you won't know if you have a problem until you try it. >> finally, let's move on from

odd mental decisions to odd physical ones. last weekend, a fitness influencer was banned from the new york city marathon for life. his crime? loving cinema. >> a fitness social media influencer is banned for life from the new york city marathon. >> 29-year-old matthew choi ran the 26.2-mile route, followed by a camera crew on e-bikes. it was all to film content, including video posted here on instagram. >> this guy is a pioneer. the whole point of exercising is to rub it in everyone's faces. >> jordan: desi, no, the whole point of exercising is to get in shape. >> and what shape are you? a drinking straw? [bleep] health. [bleep] it. it's about content. which is why my christmas card this year is just a picture of me bench pressing my family. do you know how heavy mr. met is? >> jordan: desi, desi, desi, you've done the impossible. you've made me actually miss ronny chieng. a marathon is not about content. it's about running away from your personal demons.

if you're running, there's no time to stop and think about how the kids in 7th grade said your body type was "giraffe penis." and then everyone, including your teachers, started calling you "g.p." they printed "giraffe penis" on your diploma. and now you have to put it on your resume, it's your nickname at work, your fiance puts it in her wedding vows. she yells it out every time she pretends to climax. what's going on? [laughter and cheering] theoretically. >> settle down, g.p. which brings us to my big baller bet blitz bonanza: which animal's penis does jordan most resemble? as always, that bet is brought to you by gambling. gambling: hit rock bottom. maybe there's some money down there! >> jordan: well, that's all the time we have for "sports war." >> join us next time when we debate whether basketball should have more balls. >> jordan: you mean multi-ball, like pinball? that's a stupid idea. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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simply scan your screen to experience intuit credit karma for yourself. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a harvard professor and social scientist who wrote the seminal book "bowling alone." he's featured in the new documentary, "join or die." >> there is no america without clubs. what happens when a nation built on associations stops saying "sign me up?" and starts saying "i am not really a joiner"? this is a film about why you should join clubs. and why the fate of america

depends on it. >> jordan: please welcome robert putnam! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] professor! welcome. welcome to the show. >> thank you. good to be here. >> jordan: you wrote a very influential book, "bowling alone", a few decades ago, which sort of chronicled the demise of the american community. >> right. >> jordan: to catch us up, what essentially is the thesis of that book and why is it still resonant today? >> well, the story basically is that over the -- this book was published now 25 years ago. over the preceding 25 or 30 years before that, about a half-century ago, americans who

had historically been connected with one another -- that is what this french philosopher, tocqueville, said we were the most connected nation in the world. that began to change. and we started knowing our neighbors last well. we started knowing our families less well. we started -- we began to slacken our involvement in the community affairs, politics. but not just politics. that is the story of the book. declining all these measures of the way -- the degree to which we are connected with one another or even trusted one another, going down, down, down. of course, i was writing this book, i hope to not continue this trend. and you know what happened? >> jordan: do you see what happened in this last election is connected to the trends that

you saw? >> yeah. so steve bannon is trump's guru, what i said was that america was becoming steadily more fragmented, more isolated, less connected -- less trusting of people around us. and that was true. and bannon advised trump that that was their path to victory, was to look for those people that were just completely isolated, fragmented, and didn't have any connections and they were going to give them some real connections. and actually, the data show -- i believe in data -- the data show, they were right. that is to say, the more socially isolated you were, the more likely you were to vote for trump. >> jordan: there is a famous quote that says "dictators prey on loneliness." it essentially plays off of that idea. >> that's right. >> jordan: what are examples of bridging this divide? >> can i use a personal example? i live up in a little neighborhood out in the sticks in new hampshire. we have a little neighborhood

association. that is my one group. and we have a lot of things in common. we all have to worry about that the show and i want to make sure that something is going to help me, i'm getting a little old so i have to have somebody shovel me out when it gets bad. we were having a neighborhood association meeting a couple of weeks ago and i discovered that one of these people was a trump supporter. now hold on. i know, you know that i'm making a subtle point here. >> jordan: [laughs] >> so here's the theoretical point. when you want to bridge, look for something that bonds across that. what bonds me and this guy are who was going to shovel out, are we going to help one another shovel, and can we get the snowplow to actually come. that is our bonding. but just for a moment, i was enabled to put myself in his shoes and him in my shoes, because we were bonded by all these other things but bridging the political divide. maybe that is a little too personal as a story but it is a story that illustrates, that is how you do it.

you don't try to force yourself to make friends with people who you think are evil. you make encounters with other people who you know are decent people. he actually would come over and shovel my sidewalks. but he turns out also to be a trump supporter. i don't know if that makes sense or not. >> jordan: oh, i believe it. i feel like, as somebody -- [applause] america! get your friends together, sit in front of the television, and watch the film, and understand, we can do this together. because dear lord, who else is going to move the snow off of our driveway? "join or die" is available now on netflix. robert putnam. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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>> jordan: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> people keep bringing up this loyalty garbage, and you do need someone that is loyal to your agenda. >> absolutely. >> and he doesn't want to -- listen. and unequivocally listen. >> you are the managing editor

of fox business, right? >> what time it is? >> you are. suppose i hated you and i work every day to undermine you. i should be fired. you don't want to hire somebody like that. >> why are you here? >> why are you here? ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ [announcer] we now return to the nba on tnt... on lsd. man, i'm out my mind! okay, my mom will be here any minute for our spa day.

"spa," s-p-a. yes, very good, peter. and remember, while we're off getting our massages, you and daddy are gonna spend the day together here. aw, i don't want to hang out with him. he's, like, not ticklish anywhere. look, i'm sorry, but my mom said he can't be left alone at home anymore. last time, he went crazy and moved all the furniture around. ♪ dancing, walking ♪ ♪ rearranging furniture ♪ ♪ babs is shopping ♪ ♪ i let the bird out of the cage... ♪ [knocking on door] hello, dear. oh, i always forget you walk right into the living room in your house. hey, do you have a band-aid? nothing happened, but i'm bleeding. you know what, i'll just rummage through your bathroom. [sighs] man, spending a whole day with him, is gonna be worse than eating at a ball park. uh, i'll take one terrible beer, filled up way too high, so i spill most of it, and a too-long hot dog on a too-short bun. and do you have mustard and relish? yeah, it's right there between the entrance and the exit to the bathroom.