so i need to find my own plan. for $4 a month, i got a plan that covers my preexisting condition and weekly therapy. make your plan happen. new law, lower prices. healthcare.gov is here for you. enroll by december 15th. healthcare.gov is here for you. people of argentina, i have heard your cries, and i just want to say... meg. meg! i already told you you're not gonna be evita. you're gonna be the back half of edgar the farting horse. now get in. [loud fart] [peter] hey. i do the farting. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we got so much to talk about. trump's transition continues. fox news invades the pentagon. and joe biden passes the baton to a same generation of leadership. so let's get into another installment of "trump 2.0: coming for the white house!" ♪ ♪ >> i'm going to come. >> jordan: the peaceful transfer of power is one of the most cherished features of american democracy, a hallowed tradition that extends all the way from 1796 to 2016, yada, yada, yada, and continues to this day. and today, the current president and the future president agreed to set aside differences and make nice for the cameras. >> mr. president-elect and former president, donald, congratulations. >> thank you very much.

>> and looking forward to having a, like we said, a smooth transition. do everything we can make sure you're accommodated, what you need. we're going to get a chance to talk about some of that today. so welcome. welcome back. >> good, thank you. thank you very much. and politics is tough and it's, many cases, not a very nice world, but it is a nice world today and i appreciate it very much. a transition that's so smooth, it'll be as smooth as it can get. >> jordan: [laughs] now that's a man who appreciates a smooth transition of power, as long as it's transitioning towards him. if it's transitioning away from him, there's going to be some january 6-ing, but if it's towards him, smooth. they did both try to hang mike pence, just out of tradition, but other than that, it was very cordial. perhaps too cordial.

joe biden, you spent the whole campaign calling him a fascist threat to democracy. it's a little weird to now be like, "well, give us a call if you need any help, mr. hitler! toot-a-loo!" but hey, maybe this respectful meeting at the white house is a sign that donald trump is maturing. i really think we should give -- [audience reacts] no, no! i really think we should give him a chance to make some responsible decisions from this point forward. >> breaking news, donald trump has named tulsi gabbard as his pick for director of national intelligence. >> jordan: okay. [audience reacts] that's terrifying, but we're warming up here. how about from this point forward, responsible! >> donald trump has nominated his pick for attorney general, and that is florida congressman matt gaetz. >> this is definitely a pick that will raise some eyebrows on capitol hill. >> jordan: yeah! yeah!

yeah! it's going to raise eyebrows! we should have seen it coming! matt gaetz? as attorney general? this is a new low. not as low as our age of consent laws are about to be, but pretty low. quick question: the department of justice isn't within 100 feet of a school, is it? it almost feels at this point like donald trump is trolling us. i mean, these picks can't get any more ridiculous! >> fox news personality pete hegseth tapped for defense secretary. [audience reacts] >> jordan: no, no! why do i keep doing this? stop it! stop it! pete hegseth? the "fox & friends" weekend understudy? the department of defense is one of the most complex bureaucracies in human history, and the president is choosing its leader the same way i chose breakfast cereals as a kid. "hey, i saw that toucan on tv! he must know how to make

cereal!" now if you're fortunate enough not to spend your life watching fox news, and you're wondering if pete hegseth is one of the few responsible journalists on there, he's not! >> black lives matter trying to destroy christmas as we know it. >> can the black panther be played by a white guy? >> wuhan virus, chinese virus, maybe even the kung flu. >> look, i got a plate full of burgers. i got a buddy over here eating a big mac breakfast. >> i put a flag inside my jacket, okay. >> what game are we playing while i get this on? >> i think you're going to do sudden death soccer. >> rachel, you want in on this? >> no, i don't! >> i don't think i've washed my hands for ten years. >> jordan: that's secretary "i don't wash my hands" to you! now, to be clear, hegseth isn't just a fox news anchor. he's a combat veteran with tours in iraq and afghanistan. although, the combat he's most famous for did occur on a live fox broadcast. >> they're testing their skills

with the ax. who's going to win this battle of the lumberjacks? that's going to come up next. i'm putting my money on clayton. [drumroll] >> jordan: jesus! i love how conservatives are like, "new york is a violent war zone! well, time to fling an ax onto fifth avenue." yes, pete hegseth threw an ax at a group of drummers, which is pretty unbelievable. i mean, i'd understand if it was bass players, but drummers? then again, launching a weapon that accidentally hit a civilian? why is everyone saying this guy isn't qualified to run the pentagon? now you might see this and wonder what does hegseth offer the u.s. military? i'll tell you what: great deals! >> you see, one man army loves the country and makes damn good

soap. i've used them all and i love these new brands, like gun smoke, smells like american firepower or, gurka refined bourbon and tobacco leaf, or how about patriot and the pine tar bar? there's more of them, too. you can get them in a variety pack. each of them shaped like a grenade soap on a rope. the well-groomed militia this 4th of july. join it at grenadesoap.com. >> jordan: look, i'm no history buff, but i have to think this is america's first defense secretary who has previously served as a soap influencer. and not just any soap, of course -- grenade-shaped soap. for the kind of man who's too insecure to wash his body. "is it gay to soap up my own butt? i don't know!" i mean, what are these scents, by the way? gun powder? bourbon? tobacco? i love getting out of the shower smelling like i need a shower. i'm surprised this ad wasn't like, "do you want to smell like

a man at his lowest? then try grenade soap and smell like divorce!" but look, pete's tenure isn't just going to be about smelling like bourbon while evading ax murder charges. no, as secretary of defense, he has plans to protect us from its greatest enemy. >> we only have one military. and if the military goes woke, then it is less equipped to fight the wars it needs to fight. social justice, politically correct, environmental, lgbt nonsense, crt, dei nonsense that divides the force, makes it weaker. i'm straight up just saying we should not have women in combat roles. [audience reacts] >> jordan: that's right. no women in combat roles! in trump's america, if women really want to risk their lives, they're going to have to get pregnant. [audience reacts] [cheers and applause] come back, talk to the man. now, you might wonder why pete

is so down on the idea of women working in the military. it's tough to say, but when you consider that reportedly his first marriage ended because he had an affair with a female coworker, and then his second marriage ended because he had another affair with a female coworker, then you begin to understand why he's so worried about working with women. of course, pete hegseth has written many books espousing his social conservative principles, and if you're wondering how he squared those principles with all his affairs, it was easier than you think! >> in his 2016 book "in the arena," pete hegseth called for policies "preventing divorce of parents with kids." a year later, after his affair ended his marriage, he published a revised version, changing his demand to policies "preventing wanton divorce." >> jordan: damn! fellas, you ever have sex so good, it changes your opinion on divorce laws? our next secretary of defense has! for more on the appointment of pete hegseth, we go live to the white house with troy iwata!

[cheers and applause] troy! troy. troy, what's the latest? >> well, jordan, pete hegseth's appointment is leaving many concerned. back to you. bye! >> jordan: troy! wait. come back! troy, troy! come back! what are you doing? why are you dressed like columbo? >> i don't want to be on air right now. the longer i'm on tv, the more of a chance trump sees me and appoints me to his cabinet. then i'll have to work alongside pete hegseth and listen to him explain his soaps all day. "oh, dirt and blood-scented? that's manly." >> jordan: troy, come on, take that disguise off. take it off. take it off. donald trump is not going to pick you and i doubt he even watches comedy central. >> fine. is this better? >> jordan: yes.

yes. thank you, troy. as you were saying... >> as i was saying... damn it! it's a letter from donald trump! "dear troy, i saw you on tv, so you are now the new secretary of the interior. see you around my house, parentheses the white house." thanks a lot, jordan! >> jordan: seriously? he just made you secretary of the interior? you're not qualified to run the interior. >> i'm gay, jordan. he obviously thinks the head of the interior is a decorating job. there are wallpaper swatches in here and everything. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: okay, what are you going to do? >> well, i'm certainly not putting nautical print wall paper in the lincoln bedroom. that's stupid. >> jordan: no, i mean about the job. and how did you get hired so fast? i've been on tv for 10 years. >> well, it's not just being on tv. you have to have charisma. have you tried having charisma?

>> jordan: i have charisma. i've got the rizz. daddy's got the rizz! >> stop that! you're embarrassing yourself. another letter? jesus. "dear troy, i loved how you read my first letter so good. he's made me the secretary of education now! "plus, you wear a bow tie, which means you are professor. please go wild on the d.o.e. for me." damn it, jordan! see you what you did? >> jordan: sorry! what are you going to do? >> i guess, i'm going to run the department of education now! why doesn't he get a qualified tv personality, like miss frizzle or someone? curse my rizz! >> jordan: why do you keep getting all these appointments? i have charisma too, mr. president-elect! check this out! right? look at me! >> oh, my god! god, stop. >> jordan: hold on a second. what do we have here? well, well, well, troy, looks like someone's noticed my rizz! "dear jordan, this is president trump.

please ask education secretary troy, why do i see moon in sky during day?" damn it. go tell him, troy. >> you think i [bleep] know that? no! even if i did, i wouldn't tell him. he's just going to put me in charge of nasa! >> jordan: troy iwata, everybody. when we come back, we remember america. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." a lot of people are wondering what donald trump's election means for america. and the answer is simple: it means the end. but who will remember us as a country? dulce sloan took up the task. >> well, looks like donald trump gets to be president again, and judging by how it went last time -- >> a half million americans died unnecessarily of covid-19. >> demonstrations after the death of george floyd have spread over six continents... >> i think we can be sure that america is not going to survive another term. before it all goes down, i want to document what life was like in america before our dumb-asses clap society so join us here in new york city and in our new segment. this is what we call a public

library. a cathedral of knowledge. a catalog of human experience, and a place for creeps to masturbate on weekdays. one place you could tell strangers to shut the [bleep] up, because that is the official policy. this is where we came to read the great works of literature like "a tale of two cities, or, this "men's health" magazine with michael b. jordan on the cover. library. you are nasty. this was the theater! and ancient venue for dramatic performance, constantly interrupted by cell phones and hard candy wrappers. can y'all cool it on the jolly ranchers? i'm trying to see who killed the salesman. the theater was also a place to go to see a musical of a movie that wasn't that great in the first place. what is playing here? oh! "bad santa" the musical. can't wait! this was a rare place where the public is the artist and person and could barely wait for the stage door to get an autograph. thanks for signing, john stamos!

you are brilliant as king lear! now to sell this on ebay for $12. good luck with that beard audience members would hand the performers flowers for no reason! i will take it! oh, the public park. a shared space where jamaican nannies would take white babies while their parents work. a place where joggers could jog, bikers good bike, and drug dealers could challenge you to a game of chess. on these fields, corporate employees would play four endings of softball once a year to distract them from the soulless tyranny of their everyday lives. and also! for you in the future, pocked on my parks are the fields the canadian military uses to airdrop supplies. so in the next drop of medicine, bring a frisbee or the rib cage of the person you just meet in the thunderdome. i don't know. your life is bad. this was a school, a place of learning, and a ponzi scheme run by the scholastic book company. it is where we teach our children essential academic lessons, like reading, writing, and dodging a ball.

ooh! still got it. schools are also where we help kids grow up i teaching them valuable social skills about how to drive a car and how to put a condom on a banana. that is important because i'm not trying to get herpes for my banana. i don't know where the educated lady has been. there you have had it. the cornerstones of american society before we allowed hate and anger to poison our hearts. what? at the [bleep] out of my shot! oh, yeah. hopefully, the society that comes next will learn from our mistakes. and now to take shelter in the only place i will be safe from the nuclear war. the bodega. they have four layers of bulletproof glass so that ought to do it. until next time, i am dulce sloan, and this was america. y'all got any jelly beans? [cheers and applause] >> jordan: thank you, dulce. when we come back, rapper and politician shyne will be joining me on the show. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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we were there in paris, exclusive events at incredible restaurants. nights at the sapphire lounge on the siene. heaven. experience the world as an insider. from exclusive lounges, to immersive dining experiences, all with chase sapphire reserve. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy award-winning musician turned politician whose story is told in the new documentary, "the honorable shyne." >> all it had to be was, listen, puff didn't have a gun, wolf didn't have a gun, shyne pulled out his gun, after we saw a guy pull out their gun. and shyne was just trying to defend himself. and my lawyers did nothing to try to make that point. we called no witnesses to make that point that i could recollect. it was just -- i was mortified. i couldn't believe. i said this on the record. i went to the judge a few times asking to change my

lawyers, asking to call a mistrial to get a new lawyer because he was deliberately throwing the case. >> jordan: please welcome moses "shyne" barrow! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> i got to come here more often. >> jordan: they love you. >> i got to come here more often, my goodness. >> jordan: come on back. >> this is like madison square garden, this is the colosseum when i used to be a performer. >> jordan: that is how i got to know you, as a performer. i mean, your story is, can i say bonkers? is bonkers the most appropriate way to frame this? >> extraordinary. i think resilient. i think it is the human spirit, which is indefatigable and indomitable.

>> jordan: what is easier to navigate? the rap world or the world of politics? >> man, politics is vicious. it's quite similar. in music, i was making music to be the voice of the voiceless. my art represented so much more than just a beat and being famous and being an entertainer. it was really poetry, it was really, you know, dissertations that were life or death. and being in the house of representatives is the same thing. there are people that are dealing with high crime rates, high poverty rates, people dealing with inflation, people dealing with poverty, and when i go into the house of representatives, i am speaking on behalf of those people. so i don't care what my political critics have to say. i don't care what, you know, the paid media or any of my detractors have to say because i'm fighting for people. so i was doing the same thing as a musician. this is even greater for me

because you are creating a society. your policies are going to impact society at large and not just impacting the creative sector, the agro sector, you know, the business sector, the laborers. so similar as a musician because everybody listens to your music. so it really is a seamless transition for me. >> jordan: you found connection so early as a musician. and if people are unfamiliar with your story, a grammy award-winning musician, and then there is a shooting incident in a club with puff daddy. >> i got the grammy after. >> jordan: that's right. the album came out after the incident. >> i got the grammy nominations and credit for usher's album. i performed on that. lil wayne and faith evans and carl thomas. so this all happened while i was incarcerated, unfortunately, for taking the fall, being the sacrificial lamb for diddy. >> jordan: well -- [laughs]

oof is right. and diddy is a big part of your early story. >> indeed. >> jordan: your story of taking the fall for diddy didn't get much attention way back when. now do people see that in a new light? or how do you see what is happening? >> it is interesting because his celebrity, his power was so loud that when myself and my mom and my supporters were screaming, "hey, this guy destroyed my life, this guy sent witnesses to testify against me and i was just trying to defend him and he has ruined my life, taken away my freedom, took away my career," nobody was listening. nobody heard me. i had been saying for so long. then i got to a point where i said, you know what, i'm not going to keep exerting energy on blaming anyone. i'm going to take responsibility for my life. i am going to curate my present and my future and i am going to let go of this baggage. and that's what i did.

[applause] thank you. and that's how i got involved in politics and really just focused on fixing my life and not waiting for anyone to fix it and not lamenting on who broke it. and you know, i found the right partner in disney to do the documentary, and here we are. all of the events that you see happening just happened to be happening. we have nothing to do with that. and so this story is not necessarily focused on the demise of diddy. it is focused on the celebration of my resilience, which is your resilience. [applause] anyone that is listening right now that is going through a difficult time, anyone that is listening right now that thinks the world is unfair and they have been screwed over and they have been done wrong, i

represent that hope that things work out. the point i'm trying to make as i could have felt sorry for myself for ten years but i didn't. i was present every day of those ten years. then i got deported and i was present every day for the 13 years of deportation before i was allowed to come back here as the future prime minister of belize. so i kept fighting for 23 years. [applause] you guys only got -- i'm not taking any sides. but i'm just saying, whoever is not happy with the outcome, you only got four years to fight. >> jordan: theoretically, yeah. >> right? so get to fighting. >> jordan: get to fighting. "the honorable shyne" will premiere exclusively on hulu on november 18th. moses "shyne" barrow. [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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(♪♪) (♪♪) ♪ "black” by the soft moon ♪ ♪ ♪ don't care what ♪ ♪ don't care what they have to say ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." [reporters talking at the same time]

[reporters talking at the same time] ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hey, guys. you look like you're getting a little red. maybe you ought to put some sunblock on. joe, we just got here. oh, sorry about that. these got a little mixed up. "hey, glad you guys could make it!"

ugh, look at cleveland over there. he's obviously cleaning his feet in the pool without making it look like he's cleaning his feet in the pool. oh, that's nice. that's a good temp. i wonder if this temp is the same on my other foot. oh, yeah. sure is a good day for it. good day for these wet paint brushes, too. is the pool too warm for paint brushes? [toilet flushes] hey, sorry again, kevin. i didn't see you in the tub. [♪ tense music playing] huh, what's all this? [joe] honey, it doesn't seem like the griffins are leaving anytime too soon! oh. hey, peter. hey, joe. what are all these pictures? oh, nothing. they're just some stupid scribbles i've been working on for a children's book. well, i don't think that's stupid. i think that's awesome!