here's to my love. oh, true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. thus, with a kiss... i die. [groans] oh, no, romeo's dead. now he can't enjoy ruth's chris steak house's surf-and-turf two-for-one fridays. [applause, cheering] he did it. the son of a bitch did it. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, ronny chieng! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> ronny: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm ronny chieng. we'vgot so much to talk about tonight. a trump nominee hits the strip club, jordan klepper and i fight about sports, and neil degrasse tyson will explain space to me. but first, let's get into e big international story. >> breaking news this moing out of south korea where the present there just declared martial law. >> ronny: okay, sou korea, stop giving trump ideas! he didn't know you could do that! unfortunately for south korea, thisooks like the beginning of a long and slow dark period which may last a years, or even decades. >> breaking news from overseas. south korea's parliament just ted to nullify the declation of mtial law that was made by the country's president just a few hours earlier. >> ronnyoh! that's great! good old asian efficncy. the president went nuts,

declared martial law, the assembly overruled him, rtial law over. and they did it all in a lunch brea [cheers and plause] everyone, get back to doing k-pop, chop chop! but i'm glad this didn't get out of hand because i don't even know what martial law in south korea looks like. i mean, do th wheel this doll out and whoever moves gets shot? but let's turn to country just beginning its fascism period, in another ition of "trump 2.0: coming for the whiteouse." ♪ >> i'm going to come. >> ronny: donald trump has spent the last few weeks filling out his cabinet. and now that matt gaetz has dropped out to try and finthe high school from "euoria," there is a new nominee for shadiest nominee: pete hegseth, trump'pick for secretary of defense, and guy with resting divorce face.

all righ let's hear it, leftist snowflakes, wh's wrong with this one? >> cbs news has confirmed pete hegseth was forced to step down from a veterans' nonprofit after being accused of alcohol use, mismanaging the group's money. >> ronnyokay. that's a lot for one person. alcohol, sex, and financial misconduct? i mean, it's called delegating, bud. try it sometime. how could someone do soany bad things at the same time? like, not only are you drinking and haraing women, you've also goto find time to sk at quickbooks? let's go through these charges because i'm sure the libs are just overreacting. like with the alcohol. i mean, what, he probably had too much chardonnay at the office christmas party one time. w bad cld it be? >> the report says hegseth was repeatedly intoxicated to the point of needing to be carried out of the organization's events. >> so inebriated by 1:00 a.m. that a staffer who had driven him this hotel in a van full

of other drunken staffers ked for assistance to get hegseth to his room. >> hegseth passeout in the back of party bus, then urinated in front of a hot where cva's team was staying. >> at one point, hegseth had to be restrained while drunk from joining the dancers on the stage of aouisiana strip club. >> rny: wow. do y know hohard it is to be the saddest thing at a strip club? a half-naked pregnant woman dancing to pay her medical bills was looking at him like, "damn, this guy needs to get lp!" also, how do you not know that at a strip club?et on the stage they don't en let regulars do at, i'm guessing. i don't know. that's what wikipedia says. you guys are laughing, but does no one see the tgedy in this? a warrior, forced to fight, when really, he just wants to get on that stage and dan. but yeah, he seems to he

nailed the alcoholism. let's hear abo the sexual misnduct. >> hegseth and other members of the management teamexually "pursued the organizion's female staffers whom they divided into two groups: the party girls and the not party girls." >> ronny: okay, let just check this real quick. all right, yeah, that's not allowed. i don't know what worse: that he supposedly divided his female staff into "party girls" d "not party girls," or that he cldn't think of a word for "not party." he's really caveman, isn't he? "when the sun in sky: day. when sun go away: not-d. time for party girl." so pete was reportly constantly drunk and trying to sleep wi the "party girls" on staff. but what about the financial mismanagement? >>ou say under his leadership, veterans for freedom soon raup enormous debt and financial records indicate by the end of

2008, the year after he became the group leader, it s unable to pay its creditors. >> hegseth had "treated the organization funds like th were a personal expense account for partying, drinking, and ing cva events as little re than opportunities to "hook up" with women on the road." >> ronny: when he jned this veteran's charity,id he think that he was the veteran it was going to? "guys, it would really help my mental hlth to go to this strip club. okay? i have ptsd: party time, suck my [bleep]!" so unlike wr-around shades, none of this is a great look for pe hegseth. but you know what? hey, these are anonymous quotes from a bunch of haters. i'm sure his mom les him! >> meanwhile, hegseth's mother sent him an email in 2018 during his second divorce calling him, quote, "an abuser of women." penelope hegseth writing, quote,

"i have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, his own power and ego."women for >> ronny: okay, i'm putting mom down as "not a party girl." for more on the controversy surrounding pete hegseth's appointment, let's go to capitol hill with troy iwata. [cheers and applause] hey, troy, what's the latest? >> it's tense, ronny. i asked pete earlier for his response to this report, and he said these are baseless allegations, and he's determined clear his name, and then he rew up all over my shoes. >> ronny: so he's drunk right w? >> oh, no, no, no. this was this morning. he was drunk this morning. he is not drunk now. what's that? oh, sorry, he is also drunk now. ridiculous.kay, that's this h to kill his nomination. >> oh, god, i hope not

secretary of defens want a drunk >> what, like the sober ones have been so great? all they've done has gous into wars. iraq, afghanistan, iraq again, and who can forget the war on christmas? >> rny: that last one is not a real war. >> tell that to the starbucks barista who wished m "happy hidays" this morning. it christmas, you know, the birthday of mariah carey? the point is, i want a secretary who's not invading countries because he's passed out in the situation room covered in his own piss. >> ronny: yeah, but when he's not passed out, he'll be a big problem. like drunk people get mad! >> yeah, but it's easi to distract a drunk person. if he's like, 'm mad at france. let's go to war with france!" 'll just say, "or let's go to karaoke!" half an hour later, we're in koreatown singing "pink pony club." well, he's straight, so it'll be

"lose yourself but you get it. eternal peace. let me explain it to you visually. the more drunk someone is, the more peaceful they become. it goe war in iraq, "who's iraq?," omg, i love iraq so much, let's adopt a dog! >> ronny: aren't you worried that a raging alcoholic will ha access to the nuclear codes? >> no. do you know how hard it to enter a code when you're drunk? he'll be pokin' away with his fingies and halfway through, realize he's just playing candy crush on his phone. >> ronny: this all sounds very responsible, troy. america needs a compete administrator of its military. >> ugh, ronny, how can put this? you are sounding very >> rny: you take that back! i am party girl! i am party girl! troy iwata, everybody! [cheers and applause] en we come back, we'll fight

about sports. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

at harbor freight, we design and test our own tools. and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. whatever you do, do it for less at harbor freight. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." as we witness the dismantling of american democracy, let's take a moment to focus on what people really care about: sports. for a full recap of the biggest stories in the world of jocks and straps, we turn to "sports war."

[rock music] >> get ready for battle! it's time for ports war!" brought to you by gambling! gambling. the gentlemen's addiction. [cheers and applause] [rock music] >> ronny: hey, what's up, chodes and chodettes? i'm ronny chieng! >> and i'm jordan klepper! this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> ronny: so if i say college athletes should not be paid... >> then i say everyone in college should be paid. even the professors. >> ronny: uh, the professors do get paid, dipshit. >> clearly not your professors. ronny, what did you even major in? let me guess, eating by yourself in the dining hall? >> ronny: oh, like you were mr. popular. didn't you have three roommates kill themselves? >> okay. [laughs] it was two.

the third, we never saw again. enough about college. let's talk college sports. it was rivalry week for college football, and on saturday things got extra rivalry-ee. >> on sunday, the big ten fined michigan and ohio state $100,000 each after a post-game brawl erupted saturday. look at this. the fighting broke out between the two squads after the wolverines planted their flag at midfield of ohio stadium, following their 13-10 win over the buckeyes. police had to use pepper spray to disperse the players. >> boom! i love it. as my grandfather used to say, if there's grass on the field, play ball. just realized that's not what he was talking about. >> ronny: jordan, it's a shame you're not handsome because you're very stupid. reckless fighting should only happen during the game. that's the violence i'm gambling on. if you have the energy to fight after, that means you didn't play hard enough. >> ronny, you're a dumb man with dumber takes. this melee was fantastic.

a football game turned into a ufc fight. that's incredible! more sports should be combined like this. imagine an nba game ending and then, boom, lebron and kevin durant start competitive luging. ooh. and bonus, more sports equals less time with my family! >> ronny: which brings us to our "sick boom bang bet of the night." when will jordan klepper finally learn the names of his three children? as always, this bet brought to you by gambling. gambling: i think your mom has some money in her purse. >> three children? that can't be right. moving on to a trend in football that doesn't involve steroid-induced violence, but still is all the rage. >> the celebration trend in the sports world, the trump dance? trump's double fist pump has been a rally staple for years now, but now the dance jumping from rallies to sports. u.s. soccer star christian pulisic busted out the move. pro football players hitting the trump dance after big plays.

raiders rookie brock bowers in the end zone. lions player za'darius smith after getting a sack. titans wideout calvin ridley celebrated with teammates after a long score. and ufc champ jon jones hitting the dance after knocking out his opponent while trump watched. >> ronny: ugh, just stop it with this. i live by two rules: one, i do not mix politics and sports. and two, if i'm watching porn and they start speaking russian, i'm out. it's the least i can do to support ukraine. >> ronny, ronny, ronny, you know i support your anti-war jack seshes, totally support, but you're dead wrong here. we need more politics in sports. liberal athletes can do this, too! you score a touchdown, and then you hit that joe biden. who's going to hate on that? >> ronny: i hate it! we need to keep politics out of sports. sunday is for drinking eight beers and watching football. drinking eight beers and

watching rachel maddow? that's a monday thing. >> you're a monday thing! >> ronny: [bleep] you! i'm a thursday thing. >> oh, yeah. best i can do is wednesday thing. >> ronny: deal! >> look, my point stands, ronny: there should be more politics in sports. nhl goalies should be senators, and the slam dunk contest should be all supreme court justices. which brings us to my big baller bet blitz bonanza: what would sonia sotomayor's signature dunk be called? >> ronny: as always, brought to you by gambling. gambling: you need something to to do alone in your car. >> all right, moving on. ronny, as you know, it's not just football season. it's also the holiday season. >> ronny: merry christmas, jordan. >> and to you i wish a happy... buddhism day? >> ronny: okay, it's called asian christmas. >> thank you very much. point being, this year, there's a new movie that combines the best of both seasons. >> hallmark is making history for the upcoming holiday season

with their new film, "holiday touchdown: a chiefs love story." this marks the first time the company has collaborated with the nfl. and the defending super bowl champions, the kansas city chiefs, are the true stars of >> viewers should keep an eye out for some cameos from chiefs players and some well-known faces. >> boo! i hate this trend. athletes should play sports and actors should act. except o.j. simpson. he could do both. that guy killed it at everything. >> ronny: wrong again, hepatitis gumby. we need more football players in movies. i mean, just imagine gronk in "12 years a slave." never too soon for a reboot! >> ronny, you don't understand. these football players are moving into our territory. they're trying to plant their flag in our tv industry, and we have to fight them. >> ronny: i'm not fighting alongside you. where do you work out? dress barn?

>> you know what, they politely asked me to stop working out there years ago. i'll have you know i do a high intensity circuit workout designed specifically for elderly lesbians. >> ronny: which brings us to my badass bingo bomb bet of the evening: which elderly lesbian could kick jordan klepper's ass? as always, brought to you by gambling. gambling: savings accounts are for pussies. >> well, that's all for this week's "sports war." join us next week when we debate: should nfl teams get one smoke grenade per game? >> ronny: i mean, obviously, i think they should get one per half, like a challenge flag. >> that's too much smoke grenade, you idiot. ♪ ♪ >> ronny: no, no, it's no such thing as too much. [rock music] [cheers and applause]

go-friends, gather! keke! chris! jason! boop! friends. let's go, let's go, friends! hold onto your dice. woohoo!! -nice frosting, pratt. -thank you! how we doin', keke? tastes like money to me. i can't go back to jail! wait, did you rob my bank? -hehe. -are we winning!? -ha ha ha! -oh boy! yeah! money, power, friendship. let's go!

i think we need a bigger yard, with our credit? ow, ow, ow, ow. credit karma can show us how to improve our credit for free, then we can get a place with a bigger yard. yay. intuit credit karma. download the app today. (vo) at total wireless, we got your back every day. intuit credit karma. just look at the facts. we give you 50% off the total 5g unlimited plan. that's only $25 a month for one line. they don't. we lock your price for 5 years, they don't. so fact those guys, right? get the facts, then switch to total wireless.

at harbor freight, we do business differently from the other guys. we design and test our own tools. and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. ♪♪ and now we meet, the new reese's big cup with chocolate lava. ♪♪ which obviously comes from the reese's volcano, that flows with ooey, gooey, melty chocolate lava.

♪♪ i'm no geologist but that looks pretty darn good. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a renowned astrophysicist and author, whose latest book is called "merlin's tour of the universe." please welcome the great neil degrasse tyson! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] oh, man! it is almost like your show. >> [laughs] >> ronny: you are so beloved. thanks for coming on. so great to meet you. >> thank you! i as well. i've never met you before. >> ronny: i've watched you for years. i really appreciate -- >> i love you in the movie "m3gan," by the way. that terrified me. >> ronny: please watch that

movie has many times as you can. >> [laughs] >> ronny: there goes my contract negotiation. i love your book as well. your new book. >> thank you. >> ronny: it is a republishing of q&as that you got. >> brought into the 21st century. >> ronny: brought into the 21st century. so it is written in terms -- the format is kind of short questions, you kind of give answers, and this was done over the course of the last 30 -- >> 35 years ago, but i brought it into the 21st century. my brother illustrated it. >> ronny: yes. your brother illustrated it. >> he is an artist. he actually went to the high school of music and art in new york city. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: very talented family. art and science. what i love about this book is it is almost rich and like poetry, the science questions, in terms of every page is a distinct -- >> ronny: thanks for noticing that. every attempt to reply to people has its own personality, its own flavor. >> it is almost like reading a bukowski book, because you can

just have it on your desk, you flip it open, and you can get some inspiration from how dumb people are. >> [laughs] >> ronny: like, this was written 35 years ago, you know, i shouldn't say dumb, some good questions, how effective was the hubble space telescope -- i guess my point, this was written 35 years ago. have you found the general public's questions to you have gotten dumber or smarter? >> [laughs] >> ronny: where are we trending? >> i see both happening simultaneously. >> oh, no. the smart questions getting smarter and the dumb questions getting dumber. as an educator, you bring the questions on. >> ronny: even in science, going to extremes. >> but i am okay on either side of that fence. >> ronny: mathematically, it cancels out. >> they average out to the middle. very good. >> ronny: [laughs] >> take the average. >> ronny: okay. i'm going to ask you a few questions from the internet right now, in the spirit of your

book and you can answer. >> q&a, bring it on. >> ronny: here is a friendly internet q&a. our first question comes from twitter. can wind turbines cause cancer? this is from president trump. >> [laughs] [cheers and applause] >> ronny: okay, science man, science! >> that would be no. >> ronny: are you sure about that? is that a "maybe"? >> not just no. that is "no." you got to get down and deep on that. >> ronny: that is a solid e equals mc squared. >> of all the things to worry about cancer, this should be last on the list, not even on the list at all. >> ronny: not on the list at all. i got two more for you. is there a pill that can reverse the effects of the covid-19 vaccine? this is from nominee for fbi director kash patel. >> [laughs] wow. a pill that will remove -- >> ronny: the effects. reverse the effects of the

covid-19 vaccine. >> reverse the vaccine? why would you want to do that? >> ronny: hey, i am just asking the questions. >> so that you can die from the virus? >> ronny: look -- >> it's a free country, if that's what they want to do. i don't know that we can stop them. >> ronny: no, but is there a pill? answer the science! >> okay. if such a pill exists, i know nothing of it. >> ronny: so it might exist. it might exist. >> that's not what i said. >> ronny: that's kind of what you said, man. okay, last one. >> give me one more. >> ronny: all right. also from the internet. can the government manipulate the weather with jewish space lasers? this is from anonymous congresswoman. >> [laughs] >> ronny: this is more in your realm, astrophysics. what are the physics of jewish space lasers? does, like, the star focus

the thing? the prism? >> a laser will function as lasers do no matter the religion of who invokes it. >> ronny: you know, the more you speak, the more you are a buddhist, zen master than scientist here. >> i'm just saying, when you turn on a laser, the religion of the person doesn't matter. that's a. b, to worry that a space laser could affect the weather, while we are simultaneously pumping co2 into the atmosphere, possibly irreversibly changing the weather, seems to me to be a completely misguided, misprioritized sense of the world. [cheers and applause] >> ronny: okay, that's -- >> the answer is no. >> ronny: the answer is no. >> not a "maybe." it's a no. >> ronny: say that. >> no. no. no. [laughter]

>> ronny: okay. you can follow -- you can get his book -- [laughter] really, i mean, what a treasure that we have alive around when dr. tyson is going to educate us. [cheers and applause] "merlin's tour of the universe" is available now. dr. neil degrasse tyson. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

( ♪♪ ) woman: skating is my life and falling is a part of skating. there's a story behind every mark. movement leaves marks. your antiperspirant shouldn't. degree ultraclear. nonstop protection against white marks. welcome to the credit karmaverse.

here we monitor your finances and alert you to changes big and small, so you can enjoy less stress and more piece of mind. simply scan your screen to experience intuit credit karma for yourself. take a holiday from cooking this year with popeyes festive family box. loads of biscuits, regular sides, and of course, our crowd-pleasing chicken. all for twenty bucks. this year, everyone gets exactly what they want. ♪love that chicken from popeyes!♪ at harbor freight,

we design and test our own tools. and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. whatever you do, do it for less at harbor freight. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's o show for tonight, but before we go, today consider donating too please one simple wish, a charity that grants wishes to children in foster care. you can grant a wish or donate towards their holiday wish fund, please do so at the linkelow. now here it is, your "moment of zen." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> around the red carpet. ♪ ♪ >> sorry. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on wch we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively c do ♪ ♪ all ththings that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's family guy! ♪ hi, i'm peter griffin. it's almost oscar nit. boy, we've lost so many greats this year, including a dead costume designer who will get spill-over applause from the photo of sean connery that directly precedes him tonight, we salute some past best picture winners, whichever ones i spin on this wheel. the wheel has spoken! the silence of the lambs. [♪ ominous music playing]

[sighs] what a beautiful day to not get bodily uids thrown in your face and hair. and now, for some rock tunes to pump me up. ♪ one, two pries kneel before you... ♪ oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s. vaulting over a log. jumping a war hazard. climbing up a cao net. becoming an fbi agent is basically like being on battle of the network stars. -♪ you rockets ain't in... ♪ -[music stops] [♪ meloncholy sic playing] [♪ mysterious music builds up] -ah! -agent starling. good to see you. wh-why is your face so big? oh, this movie is mostly extreme close-ups. oh. yeah. weird. anyway, sorry you had to come so quickly, but this thing with no timetable couldn't wai we need you to talk to a supesmart psychopath. how smt? like, he can do the w york times crossword through thursday. friday, he can maybe get a corner or two. so, what's the job? fancy creep, eats people.