there's a lot of princesses out there. you know, they have all different sizes and shapes of feet. and hands. so i think... i think my odds are pretty good. may i have a chocolate chip cookie? i gave blood earlier and i'm still feeling woozy. >> of course. >> [sighs] >> that's weird. you got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using band-aids. >> i, uh--oh, i feel so woozy. i just-- [mutters] it's band-aids. >> ah, damn. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. man, do we have a good show for you tonight. the chairman -- not the alderman, not the assistant secretary -- the chairman of the wisconsin democratic party -- [cheers and applause] only at "the daily show" does not get a big round of applause. wisconsin democratic party ben wikler, will be here to discuss the future of the national democratic party. specifically, is there is going to be one? i don't know.

but first: ladies and gentlemen, we can often get cynical about the state of things in the world. fall into a cycle of despair as though the horrors and depravations of our modern world can never be overturned or undone. but then, at our lowest, we get images like these from this weekend. a moment in time of pure, unalloyed joy. the delirious, almost uncomprehending excitement for a people celebrating a suddenly bright and hopeful new future. yes, even the people of syria yes, even the people of syria are celebrating the new york mets signing juan soto! [cheers and applause] chanting -- you heard them in the streets! chanting, i can only assume, "we're going to the series!" i kid, of course.

those images were jubilant syrians celebrating the end of the 50-year rule of the murderous, despotic assad family, a result that would have seemed incomprehensible even two weeks ago! and you know it's the real deal because they sealed it with the universal symbol of fallen dictatorships: the traditional toppling of the statues! they pulled them down with ropes! [cheers and applause] they toppled the horse one and they knocked over the one where assad signaled "field goal." they even paraded assad's head through the streets like a decapitated charlie brown in the macy's day parade. and if i may, a quick word to the many remaining despots in the middle east: it is my deepest hope that when you see this footage, you realize, once and for all, that you are really skimping on statue structural integrity.

because when you are overthrown -- and you will be -- they're going through these statues like tissue paper! this one here, one guy just pushes it over with his hand. just one guy! "this statue is a symbol of my eternal power and iron fist and -- oh, no, don't touch it! it's just clay and pressed wood shavings! father always told me, if it's worth putting up a symbol of autocracy, it's worth doing it right." and while the dictators could have made it fun for people by filling the statues with candy or something, assad's former subjects are still finding a way to have fun with the toppled totems. it's like their new public transport, some kind of

syrian version of a club med banana boat. by the way, i don't speak arabic, but i'm pretty sure that what they're chanting there is "mustache rides, five cents." oh, i know that fella there is is feeling the sweet taint of freedom! [laughter] but while statue assad is being tea-bagged in the streets, actual assad has left the building. >> assad fleeing with his family to russia, where he had been granted asylum on humanitarian grounds. >> jon: oh, oh, that's so sweet! yes, putin has given assad humanitarian asylum. and then immediately sent him to

go fight in ukraine. they're very short-handed. but obviously, it's a great decision by assad. i think no leader can go wrong in their exile choice by posing one simple question to themselves: what would steven segal do? but if assad is in russia, you know what that means... nobody's home at the palace! it's open house, people! the estate sale begins! crowds are pillaging his palace, they are sitting in his chairs, they are taking pictures on his chair, they are stealing more chairs... was there some kind of terrible seating problem in this country? the people are rushing the palace and they are just taking the chairs! people are coming out, like, "don't bother going in, the good chairs are gone. all that's left is money, jewelry, and antiquities." in fact, i want to show you this

real quick, my favorite moment from the looting of the despot's palace. a gentlemen in the palatial room frustrated that this chair is not reclining. [laughter] are there no depths to assad's depravity? where are the cup holders? obviously, this is surprising because in that part of the world, you'd think there'd be an abundance of at least ottomans. [laughter and cheering] there is an empire of them. what was startling to me is how quickly the whole thing unfolded. i mean, how long did it take to overthrow the assad regime?

>> the regime overthrown by rebel fighters in just 11 days. >> jon: [whispering] 11 days! [speaking in normal voice] how did they manage to end a decade-long civil war and defeat the entire syrian military in just 11 days! wait, zoom in on that photo. are you kidding me? no! no way! that guy? [cheers and applause] what! how did -- is that where he rode that citi bike? who couldn't have that guy. today, they did appear to catch the guy today at a mcdonald's in altoona, pennsylvania. [boos] it's true. i'm sorry, guys. apparently, a bystander ratted him out. normally, i'd say snitches get

stitches, but, obviously, without pre-approval... there's really -- [laughter and applause] seriously, though, i want to meet the rebel mastermind who overthrew this entrenched regime. >> the leader of the islamist rebel group, abu mohammad al-jolani, arriving triumphantly in damascus, addressing a crowd at a mosque. >> jon: my god. all hail syrian john turturro! tell me more about this modern-day george washington! >> syrian rebel leader abu mohammad al-jolani, who's been on the u.s. terror watch list since 2013. >> significant portions of al-jolani's group maintain strong links to isis. >> a former al qaeda member. >> he's got a $10 million bounty on his head. >> jon: ugh, $10 million. hope he never ends up in a mcdonald's in altoona!

okay, so we've got a former al-qaeda guy in charge. what does he have planned for the new syria? i'm assuming it's some taliban-esque, brutal, fundamentalist dystopia? >> there must be a legal framework that protects and ensures the rights of all, not a system that serves only one sect. >> i ask god almighty that this be a conquest free of revenge, but a conquest entirely of mercy and love. >> jon: "a conquest of mercy and love?" i think that's how taylor ended the eras tour! wait, the new leader of syria's a swiftie? how many terror groups is that guy in? [laughter] [applause]

seriously, though, how did an al-qaeda associate turn into deepak chopra? >> you've gone through quite the transformation. once an al-qaeda leader, and now you are projecting this image of a moderate leader and a moderate group. >> i believe that everyone in life goes through phases and experiences, and these experiences naturally increase a person's awareness. a person in their 20s will have a different personality than someone in their 30s or 40s. >> jon: i get it. who amongst us hasn't gone through an emo phase, or a goth phase, or a... 9/11 phase. you know. you know how kids are! "i don't like jihad anymore, dad! i'm into horses!" jolani's purported transformation to a more benevolent governance gives me

hope as our country goes through its hopefully peaceful transfer of power to hopefully a humbled and more mature leader as well. >> and his first network television interview, president trump said that he would like to see members of the january 6th committee sent to jail. >> honestly, they should go to jail. >> jon: or not! that is, of course, the incoming united states president, and i'm assuming future statue-haver donald trump, who this weekend was in europe, continuing the long american tradition of not waiting for the inauguration to become president and head overseas, meet with allies, and remind everyone how [bleep] weird he is about shaking hands. top down, up down, bottom up, side to side! grab it, hit me, and how seamlessly trump resumed his official duties of looking bored as shit in meetings. "this is so dumb!" now normally, the first lady

melania would have been there to say to donald, "sit up!" but in another stroke of weirdness, trump was apparently traveling with his predecessor's wife, attending the opening of the notre dame cathedral with jill biden. it was a rare moment of conciliation. one that would have given this country hope had it not been immediately undermined by the returning president releasing an actual cologne ad belittling and sexualizing said moment. >> the caption there saying, "a fragrance your enemies can't resist." the men's cologne and women's perfume are both selling for $199. [boos] >> jon: you [bleep] won! you won! you don't have to push merch anymore. i find it hard to believe i'm saying this, but it's beneath you. i mean, for god's sakes, you

don't see jolani out there pushing products! >> i conquered syria, and now you can conquer dry hair follicles with my new line of beard oil. [cheers and applause] >> jon: when we return, ben wikler will be joining us. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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-hehe. -are we winning!? -ha ha ha! -oh boy! yeah! money, power, friendship. let's go! [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the head of the wisconsin democratic party and he's running to be chair of the democratic national committee. please welcome to the program ben wikler. sir! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

welcome! thank you for coming in from wisconsin! the democrats -- and i am getting it -- we take questions and things from the audience early on, and the biggest question that we get is... "uh," no follow-up, and then tears, and sometimes vomiting. it appears the democratic party is slightly broken. you run the wisconsin democratic party, which was broken before you took it over. there was a super majority in wisconsin, the supreme court of wisconsin was diabolically making changes to withstand power, scott walker was the governor. how did you turn that situation around? >> so republicans took over wisconsin in 2010, and immediately smashed to unions, suppress voting rights, gerrymandered the living daylights out of legislative maps to make sure they never would lose power even if voters try to throw them out. and for years, it looked as though wisconsin was going to

fall off the cliff, be a state where republicans controlled everything, whether voters liked it or not. >> jon: and democratically so because through all those methods, like what new york some of the democrats in your try to do was gerrymander it even if it was closer than it should be. those were the methods they undertook. >> 2012, 2018, democrats won the majority of the votes for the legislators. republicans got almost two-thirds of the seats. in 2018, i volunteered, governor ebert's -- now governor evers ran in a land slide, he won by 1.1 percentage point. super, super close. it was like we grab a branch as we are falling, falling off the side of a cliff. republicans took away a bunch of the power. republicans regerrymander the state through the supreme court after that and i was elected chair in 2019, with the goal of supercharging our grassroots organizing and how we communicate across the state. and year over year, we have flipped 1-2 critical state

supreme court races. we were able to reelect governor evers, stop the republican super majority, finally a new pro-democracy majority in the state supreme court struck down the gerrymander. we stopped republicans from preemptively impeaching a supreme court justice. this year, finally, for the first time in 15 years, we had fair maps and it meant that even in a year where we were basically 50-50 state wide in terms of the vote, we flipped 14 state legislative seats. it is now democrats are on track to win a majority in both legislative chambers in 2026. >> jon: wow. >> we reelected tammy baldwin to the u.s. senate. we added votes to harris relative to pardon, the battleground, came closest to defeating trump. there was a lot of republican turnout. there are still work to do. but we are democracy again and that is the goal. that is the fight we are fighting. [cheers and applause] >> jon: here is the idea. i'm just going to throw it out there. i am just spit falling. we gerrymander the shit out of that place.

and appoint a bunch of democrats to the state supreme court and cut all the power out -- no? >> no. >> jon: no, your plan is probably good too. >> what we want as a government is structurally required to pay attention to what people want and is held accountable for what happens, whether or not they actually deliver it. >> jon: wasn't only only a structural issue? [applause] they are going to apply. did you make any changes to the messaging to connect? because again, i don't want to give the impression that i think that this election, the democrats lost because structurally, things were against them. i think they have a messaging issue. i think they have a "what do they stand for" issue. >> i think there is both. would say in this election just now, if republicans hadn't taken over the north carolina supreme court in 2022 and gerrymander that state, then right now, democrats would have a majority in the u.s. house of representatives, right where we are because republicans have

paid attention to these down-ballot races, that the rest of the country doesn't even notice, that have enormous consequences later. right now, wisconsin has a state supreme court's race in april. susan crawford -- >> jon: never heard about that. >> the thriller. >> but susan crawford and brad schimel's all over the country. >> don't say that. [laughter] here is my point. the national party, there is an infrastructure piece, which is to have a strategy in every state to prevent that state from being rigged and thrown out. >> jon: i see. >> that is part of what we need to do with the democratic national committee. that is why i am running for dnc chair. >> jon: you are writing to be the national dnc chair. >> yes. >> jon: you were outside of the establishment. one of the things that has been difficult for the democrats over these past years is, they have been a real status quo establishment party. they suppressed, i think, bernie's role in 2016 election. they have put their thumb on the scales pretty clearly.

you are an outsider. are they going to put their thumbs on the scale against you? >> i think democrats across the country, members of the democratic national committee, there was a real sense of unity that we need to change and adapt and win collections, and the question is, how do we do that? to me, it is these two things. one of them is organizing, building the kind of infrastructure and apparatus supporting state parties across the country to have the kind of strength that has made such a difference in wisconsin. the second piece is that we need to show people working across the country, and this is a cross race and ethnicity, this is rural areas, small towns, cities, suburbs, that we are fighting for them and that we mean it. we know this is not a game. that, to me, is the central thing. we know trump next year is going to try to pass a multitrillion dollar tax cut for the richest people in the world. he will do that by trying to get health care. they are talking about cutting the veterans administration, the veterans benefits. that is stuff that the vast majority of americans do not want to. and democrats need to get caught

trying, to fight back against that and to create a country that works for working people. [cheers and applause] >> jon: but see, that, i think, the difficulty is -- it is the kind of rhetoric that i very much appreciate. i don't know that i felt like they have governed without urgency that you are speaking with. you know. and that is the part -- how connected are the democrats, even here in the audience, and a lot of people talk about, well, jeez, do you think there were structural issues, is that why we lost? it was pretty clear, this was a whopping on narrative, that -- >> let me disagree. >> jon: please. >> this is the first election of my lifetime where we lost the majority of the voters who are making less than $50,000 a year. >> jon: right. >> those voters had a lot going on in their lives. a lot of them are the people least likely to be watching political news, hearing either side's message, and they are folks who often got a lot of

financial support during the pandemic when we passed, expanded unemployment insurance and tiled, child tax credit that made a difference and then it went away at the same time as prices went up. if you are experiencing, you have less money in the bank and you have to spend more to fill a prescription or buy your groceries or ensure you don't lose the home where you are putting your kids to bed, then you are going to vote for change. you are going to vote for something else. >> jon: correct. >> trump is going to make things worse for working people. >> jon: that was the argument that the democrats were making him that he's going to make it worse. i think we are saying the same thing. >> i think we are saying the same thing. and i think a lot of people did not hear our message. >> jon: yes. >> some people who heard it did not believe it. those are the two things. >> jon: let me ask you -- >> go where the voters are and say it like we mean it. >> jon: you are saying people making less than $50,000 on really connect with the news so they don't hear our message. but what they do feel is your governance. that is my point. >> yeah, i agree with that. >> jon: i think part of it is,

democrats are defending a status quo that people feel is not delivering on the discomfort they have in their real lives. >> i think that during trump's first administration, sometimes we would say, this is not normal. it wasn't normal. it's also the case that what is normal is not necessarily okay. >> jon: boom. >> it is not okay. >> jon: boom. >> that people can't get -- >> jon: amen! yes! >> we have to show them, this -- >> jon: i am getting excited! chair yes! >> you actually have to make the change, you have to change peoples lives. that is the point of this work! >> jon: all right! >> the only measure of working politics, it is not necessarily winning elections, it is whether you deliver change in people's lives. that is what winning looks like. that is the point of this work. >> jon: yes! actually, i was thinking, do you think we just didn't spend enough time with the cheneys? was that the issue?

>> i live in wisconsin, we had a business with liz cheney, we did a little bit better in the suburbs, and also, this is a country t that is majority working-class. most people in the united states do not have a college degree. they work for a living. they don't live off returns on their investments. >> jon: right. >> if we are not winning working-class voters come again, across race and ethnicity, we are going to lose. we are the party that actually believes everyone should be able to join a union and fight for better working conditions and wages. we are the party to think that no one should have to go to bed hungry because their parents didn't have enough money to put in a down payment for them. people shouldn't have to choose between rent and groceries. this is stuff that democrats believed to their core. and we need to communicate it through our actions and our words and where it is that we show up. so that we are listening, and then we are speaking in linguist that actually resonates for people. that is the work of the democratic party. >> jon: it is like wrestling a bear. you are a giant man with a

golden tongue. what do you think ultimately -- because i completely agree. one of the fundamental problems that the democrats have had is they cosign to this sort of what they call the neoliberalism, economics, deregulation, and after, all these other things. and they never caught it back. and what we keep hearing is we just need to keep raising taxes on millionaires but if you haven't convinced you are voters raised will be spent wisely and with value, none of it is going to matter. isn't it -- look, the democrats have a harder row to hoe. >> yeah. >> jon: because they are the party that believed government needs to be there and play a vital role in balancing out corporate interests and helping people's lives. it is not nihilistic, like the other, which is, blow the whole thing up and reduce it to the size you can drown in a bathtub. so is that a message of

competence that people can wrap their heads around in the democratic party? >> you have to prove it out. >> jon: right. speaker to be able to earn that. >> jon: have they done that in wisconsin? >> they did that in wisconsin. governor evers ran on "fix the damn roads." then he fix the damn roads. [cheers and applause] >> jon: can i tell you something, the wisconsin people, i mean no disrespect, they sure like the spicy talk. [laughter] >> sometimes there is pepper jack. >> jon: that is what you are talking about. fix the damn roads. ooh. >> that was 2018. in 2022, and wisconsin, it is so evenly divided. five of the last seven presidential race has come down to one percentage point. there was a slosh back and forth. if there is democrats in the white house, democrats lose the governor's race. that is been true since 1962. the last time we won by one percentage point, 1962 with a democratic president. governor evers won in 2022 by three points, four points. he tripled his landslide, 1.1.

margin in 2022. that was in no small part because people could see that he was actually delivering on what he talk about, and he touched their lives directly. you know, he had ads in every county about what he had done in that county to make people's lives better. and i think politics can make people so cynical. they can be so frustrating, sometimes it feels like the only thing that people want to do is attack each other. you have to actually show your work and show how what you will done will make someone's lives better to have any possibility of building trust. i think you are right. the republican project is create so much corrosive cynicism that people give up and walk away. that is just kind of their mission, and -- >> jon: vote to overthrow any status quo. >> but then what they do is they use that cynicism to tear up the place and hand out the pieces to the richest people in the world. >> jon: right. >> for democrats, we have to show that we are working for people, that it works, that we can deliver, and in this moment as an opposition party, we have to fight against these attacks,

and also make a proposition that we think we should be a country where everyone has basic freedom and dignity. where working people can actually support their family or aspire to have a family if they want to. the people should be able to live their lives and know that if they work hard, they are going to have a decent life. it is not rigged against them. >> jon: when you do this, i am assuming the democratic national committee has meetings. >> yes. >> jon: and you were at these meetings. and you say this with that great passion -- you don't use words like "damn," because we are delicate party. what is their response to it? do they throw analytics aren't you? do they throw data? because i have watched the people that were running these presidential campaigns on a variety of platforms, and i have been stoned at the lack of accountability or even reflection. and i am curious about has been your experience in the meetings. >> i will say come over the democratic national committee

meets -- i was just at a meeting with the state chairs, people do this work because they believe in actually fighting and making a difference. it is often totally thankless. it is often really tough, and often the choices that people are making are between turk about options when they are in these roles. people are mad at them because they chose a bad option that was worse than the other one. it is really, really hard to do, to enact these elections, especially when you are facing a wall of attacks in people who think that all politics is corrupt and you are like them i'm actually just trying to make sure that kids can get lunch when they go to school. so i don't think that there is this kind of cynicism. i think that there is -- >> jon: i don't mean cynicism. defensiveness. >> defensiveness, yeah. i think that there -- we are kind of in a system that is generally broken. money has this giant role in politics on both sides. people's attention is in a million different places so you can scream something from the rooftops and almost no one will hear it. often, if you work in politics, you're being told all the time,

"hey, you should do this thing," and you are thinking to yourself, i do that every single day and no one notices it. it is hard work. you talk about messaging. you have to build an infrastructure if you want to get the message out to be are you actually to have -- you talk to -- you talk about door-to-door organizing, we build neighborhood teams were neighbors are knocking on their neighbors' door so that in some when you actually know. >> jon: so much better. >> that is how we do it in wisconsin. >> jon: it blew my mind that they were like, we have strangers knocking on peoples doors three times and you are like, you are lucky no one got killed. >> but you have to do that for years to get to the point where it actually hits. >> jon: so your energy come i have to tell you -- i have talked to dnc chairs and people, you have a different energy than they do. i am telling you. they have a more corporate-ist vibe. that has been the vibe of their -- i remembered in canaan. god bless, good dude. he came on the show when he was the dnc chair and he was like "we have doorknocker's." i was like, we are in the

shitter. the passion that your brain, that feels like what it needs in this moment. i really do feel this way. you are approaching it from a much more populist, bottom-up standpoint than i have heard in the past, other than howard dean sort of 50 state strategy. [cheers and applause] i really appreciate it! >> i appreciate it. i appreciate the nice complement. i will also say that there are so many people, there are thousands of people who work in politics and sometimes you are buried in the numbers and you are trying to -- when you use this phrase, then people are like, what the hell are you talking about, so you have to use this phrase. a lot of times when people are on your show, they are trying to remember all those things about what might be a land mine if you step on it and that will blow up in your face. you are trained to do that in politics. you are trained to try to navigate through these incredibly tricky waters, and that is sometimes important work to hold a coalition together but it is easy to get lost in that

and not actually go to the whole point of the thing, which is to fight in a way that makes the difference in people's lives, so that they remember who is on their side when something went wrong. and they understand who was trying to rip them off. [applause] that is the reason that politics actually matters. >> jon: is someone writing this down! [cheers and applause] stop with the analytics! just signed a juan soto -- i am sorry. i apologize. went back to the mets. dead on! dead on! the caution is killing effective governance! it is that fear, if you come from a place of fear and not from a place of passion and belief, you lose! and people -- >> and people can see, people can feel authenticity. they can feel it. i think trump is a disaster for the country. i also think it is very -- >> jon: hallelujah. >> it is very clear, he does not think before he talks. he just says it. there is something that draws

people to him when he says that. even when he's lying out of his teeth, he is lying in an authentic way. >> jon: i didn't even think those are his real teeth, quite frankly! >> we have no idea about the teeth. his medical records, deep secrets. >> jon: deep secrets. i really appreciate you coming by and bringing this -- i am telling you, you have a dispirited group of people, wandering in the desert of feeling that they didn't know, thirsty for leadership, you have provided it for them today. we are announcing right now, ben wikler is a nominee for president two of the -- [cheers and applause] >> no, no, no! no! no, no. [cheers and applause] >> jon: for chair of the democratic -- >> listen, it matters who leads a democratic national committee and it matters who leads state partners and it matters who does

this work because this doesn't happen alone. you have to have millions of people involved to be able to make elections like this work. i am running to get people involved. i want people to join and fight and win. [cheers and applause] >> jon: thank you. wisconsin democratic party chair ben wikler. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. that's what i'm talking about! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that is our show! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, michael kosta! everybody, michael! [cheers and applause] that's a really nice chair, michael. >> thank you, jon. picked it up this weekend. i guess you could say it was a real "steal!" [laughter] >> jon: you looted that from assad's palace. >> don't be jealous, jon! i picked you up a little something, too. merry christmas. [cheers and applause] >> jon: is this assad's underwear?

this is assad's underwear? i don't want assad's underwear. >> why, because you don't celebrate christmas? >> jon: michael kosta, everyone. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> jeff bezos called me, we are having dinner, as you know, mark zuckerberg came in, we had a really nice dinner. he asked to have dinner. i had dinner with him. i am having dinner with everybody. people like me now beer you know, it is something going on. i said, would you have come to dinner with me if i lost? i think the answer is no. i think the answer is no. >> sorry. ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hey, guys. you look like you're getting a little red. maybe you ought to put some sunblock on. joe, we just got here. oh, sorry about that. these got a little mixed up. "hey, glad you guys could make it!" ugh, look at cleveland over there. he's obviously cleaning his feet in the pool without making it look like he's cleaning his feet in the pool. oh, that's nice. that's a good temp. i wonder if this temp is the same on my other foot. oh, yeah. sure is a good day for it. good day for these wet paint brushes, too. is the pool too warm for paint brushes? [toilet flushes] hey, sorry again, kevin. i didn't see you in the tub. [♪ tense music playing]

huh, what's all this? [joe] honey, it doesn't seem like the griffins are leaving anytime too soon! oh. hey, peter. hey, joe. what are all these pictures? oh, nothing. they're just some stupid scribbles i've been working on for a children's book. well, i don't think that's stupid. i think that's awesome! i mean, my one note on these would be to hide a bunch of dongs in the backgrounds, but, otherwise, i think they're great! wow. well, that really means a lot to me, peter. i've been working on this book for nine years, but i've been too afraid to show it to anybody. come on, joe. you can't be afraid. what if bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? then nobody would know about africa. what's it about? well, it's called the hopeful squirrel. it's about a handicapped squirrel who has to learn to overcome his disabilities so, he can survive in the wild. as you can imagine, it's very personal to me. wait... were you once a squirrel? no, peter. i'm handicapped. well, you know, you ought to do something with this. -really? you think so? -hey, trust me, joe.

i know talent when i see it. i mean, i discovered mr. peanut. ordinary legume. ordinary legume. extraordinary peanut! oh, man. there she is. -wha... who? -that girl, right there. she comes in here every morning after her run. ah, i'm obsessed with her. well, why don't you go talk to her? way ahead of ya. wh... where are you going? [panting] and... 1,000. -whew. [laughs] -1,000 what? percent, that's what. [scoffs] you, uh, you in the game, too? you mean running? uh, let me think, what's on my trophies? uh... yes! -[stewie] you're losing her! -hey, i'm brian. hi, i'm chloe. nice to meet you. hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe want to grab a bite to eat sometime, would you? -that sounds great. -awesome. you know, see, this is how you meet people. i tried the online dating thing, but there's just too much competition out there.

short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. hi, i'm al harrington of al harrington's wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube-man warehouse and emporium. due to a gut-busting divorce, limited people skills, and significant prodding from my therapist, i am currently seeking online companionship as a short, but handsome, slightly hairy, newly single salesman. and i would love to attempt to convert my heavily embellished internet profile and carefully airbrushed, out-of-date photo, into a night of physical intimacy with you...! [knocking] peter, i just heard the best news. wow, word gets around fast. -nice, right? -no. peter, i took your advice and sent my book to a publisher. they're gonna publish the hopeful squirrel. and it's all thanks to you! joe, that's amazing! so, there's gonna be a real live book out there with your name on it? well, actually, i'm writing it under a pen name, david chicago.

well, how come you didn't just write it under joe... s... steenburj... you know, your real name? i wanted to avoid catching crap down at the police station. they don't like anything artistic. they were pretty rough on my mime act. i'm in a box. oop, that's the back of the box. you're not supposed to talk! well, how else are you gonna know i'm in a box? [doorbell rings] oh. hi, brian. hey. you, uh... -you didn't forget about our date, did you? -of course not. i was just thinking, since it's so nice out, we could go out for a run and then eat. oh. yeah. n-no, no. you know, i would totally do that. i, i just... i've already run, like, so many "k" today. oh, come on, don't be a wimp! this way, you'll earn your dessert. [sighs] wow, this is great, isn't it, brian? [panting] yeah, it's awesome. hey, uh, is your vision also reduced to just a tiny pinhole? just push through it, brian. once you hit your runner's high, you'll catch your second wind.

runner's high? yeah, my endorphins always kick in at the top of this hill. oh, crap. [panting] [brian's heart] brian, this is your heart. what the hell do you think you're doing? stop. [brian's penis] brian, this is your penis. don't listen to him. we're this close to bone city. [peter] brian, i'm here, too. i'm hanging out with your penis and your heart. okay, here comes the top. chloe, i'm not sure i can... [♪ upbeat music playing] i feel it. i'm feeling the runner's high. ♪ it was a beautiful day ♪ ♪ the sun beat down ♪ ♪ i had the radio on... ♪ go get 'em, brian! [chuckles] by the way, the sun is really a black guy. the moon is korean! wow, this is amazing. i never want to lose this feeling. ♪ yeah, i'm running' down a dream ♪

♪ that never would come to me ♪ ♪ workin' on a mystery... ♪ oh, brian. that was incredible. yeah, you hump her real good, brian! i'm gonna go ahead and close the shades. i still see you! hello, everyone. i'm blake walker from piermont publishing. please join me in welcoming david chicago. [applause] okay, so, uh, hi, folks, and thank you all for coming. i know this would've been a great day to surf. [peter] that's not a joke! uh, anyway, this is the hopeful squirrel. "there once was a handicapped squirrel who could not climb trees to get food." okay, next page. "the squirrel, "the same squirrel from the first page, "hoped that the other animals would share their food with him. 'please,' said the hopeful squirrel.

'if you could all spare just one nut, "i, too, could survive the winter.'" sorry about that. mommy, i don't like the wheel man. "but none of the other animals "would share with the hopeful squirrel." hey, eyes front! i'm talking! don't tell my kid what to do. well, maybe if you did, i wouldn't have to! [parents grumbling] shut up! this is free! [quagmire] you know why it's free? -'cause it sucks! -quagmire? i think it might be time to leave. ah, crap, this is joe's dream. i got to do something. joe, what are you doing? the-the squirrel doesn't even sound hopeful. it's got to be like, [cheerfully] "if you could spare just one nut, "i, too, could survive the winter!" oh, i like that voice. he's funny. that's the man who passed out at the liquor store. joe, quick, give me the book. "and so, the squirrel decided to climb for his own nuts. 'i don't need legs when i've got a positive attitude "and arm strength.'" "'i'm sorry that we mistreated you,'

"said buddy the badger. 'could you find it in your heart "to share your nuts with us?' 'of course i'll share with you all,' "said the squirrel. 'for if i could not forgive, "then i would be truly handicapped.'" [cheering and applause] wow, that was great. who are you? just a grown man with a pet hermit crab. listen, joe, how would you feel about your friend -getting more involved? -what do you mean? well, you would write the books, and your friend, peter, would be the public face of the hopeful squirrel. he would be david chicago. well, i... i don't know. joe, this happens all the time. you wouldn't believe who really writes all those stephen king books. scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. ding! scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. ding! scary stuff, scary stuff, scary stuff. lunch! look, peter can get this book into the hands of every kid in america. that's what you wanted, isn't it? all right. well, whatever you think is best for the book.

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here we monitor your finances and alert you to changes big and small, so you can enjoy less stress and more piece of mind. simply scan your screen to experience intuit credit karma for yourself. it's closed. what about my letter? call uncle bryan. to the north pole! grandpa! oh no! the december to remember sales event. he did get my letter! get offers on select models. ♪♪ get offers on select models. [toilet flushes, door opens] peter, bonnie told me that joe's very upset. did you really take his book away from him? did you just poop and then get into bed without underwear on? that book really meant a lot to joe. i think you should talk to him. hey, that book would've been nothing without me. and besides, he's the one who quit. now the publisher wants another book and it's all on me! i just hate to see you two in a fight. and on the same week when my sister and i are having such a big fight, too.

good night, lois. all right, guys. ideas, ideas. we got a hopeful squirrel book to write. all right, now, who's got something? i, i got... i got something. what if the squirrel has lasers... that he shoots out of his eyes! quagmire's on the board. and how 'bout he got a frog friend that's got some sort of catchphrase? like, if he's seeing something kooky, he could be like, "damn, that's cray-cray in a good way, right there!" wow. god just speaks right through you, doesn't he, cleveland? i believe he does. -okay, what else, what else? -if there's a bison... is that a statement or a question? it is what it is. ain't nothing gotta be nothing, huh? [brian] hey, stewie! can you come in the bathroom for a second? [sighs] what is it, bri... oh, my god! hey, could you close the gate? couple of calves got loose. ha, pow!

brian, you're all sinewy. your whole body looks like paul mccartney's neck. -thanks. -that's not a compliment. you look terrible. what does your girlfriend think of this? i dumped her, she couldn't keep up with me. hey, grab me some more band-aids, will you? i got, like, eight more nipples to cover up before my run. you know, whatever you're doing, it isn't healthy, brian. oh, i'm not healthy? stewie, my heart rate is down to four beats a minute. besides, i got to keep training. the marathon's in two days. brian, i-i'm worried you're losing yourself in all this. do you remember that phase when you thought you were a pointer dog? was someone wearing my new high heels? you dick. [♪ dramatic music playing] [quagmire over p.a. system] ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hot moms who are married but looking... david chicago! [crowd cheering] hey, how many of y'all bitches like to read?