you saved the entire british empire. yes. now it will last forever. from south africa to the suez canal, from cyprus to australia, all of canada and grenada, even antigua and jamaica. india, jordan, kenya, kuwait, malawi, bermuda, the falklands. yes, all part of our empire. i'll always miss... the maldives, myanmar, new zealand, nigeria, pakistan. saint kitts and nevis. sri lanka, the sudan, uganda, and the united arab emirates. [brian] god, england sucks now. [violin playing family guy theme] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] >> michael: yes, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. it's happy hour at the pentagon, joe biden is making a list and checking it twice, and mangione drops a-manifest-o. so let's a-get into the headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's begin with the story everyone is still talking about: the arrest of luigi mangione: alleged ceo killer and the reason "conjugal visit" is trending on google. everyone's been wondering what his motivation was, and now they have his manifesto. although, for a manifesto, it's surprisingly modest. >> "the u.s. has the number one most expensive healthcare system in the world, yet we rank roughly number 42 in life

expectancy. obviously, the problem is more complex, but i do not have space, and frankly, i do not pretend to be the most qualified person to lay out the full argument." >> michael: okay, "i don't really know what i'm talking about" is a surprising thing to put in a manifesto. this is the first murder manifesto i've read that could have ended with "but no worries if not!" "either way!" you never see the taliban like, "death to america, although, we're not experts, so... grain of salt." now whether he's guilty or not will be decided by a trial, but, mangione is making everyone mangi-horny. >> and lilia, i know you were inside that courtroom today with the suspect. how was he behaving? >> norah, it was remarkable. he walked in confident. at times, he seemed defiant. he was looking around, he kept looking back. and a couple of times, i felt like he was making eye contact.

>> michael: "he looked at me. he saw me. we had a moment. and norah, i'm getting new reports just now that i can change him." [laughs] [cheers and applause] can i just say, this is confusing as a straight man. i don't know what i'm supposed to do to attract women. one day, it's do more work around the house, the next, it's be a better listener, and now apparently, it's execute the leader of a fortune 500 company? which one is it, ladies? let's move on to someone who never has to go to court again, in another edition of "trump 2.0: coming for the white house!" ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. [laughter] >> michael: look, there are over 20 countries in the world, and the president has to appoint an ambassador to every one of them. and being an ambassador's a

pretty sweet gig. you get paid six figures to move to some mansion in another country. you can't get arrested even when you plow into a group of tourists with your motorcycle. it's basically a dream! and trump just announced the latest lucky person to get one of these coveted positions. >> president-elect donald trump tapping another loyalist with close family ties to fill out his administration, naming kimberly guilfoyle to be ambassador to greece. >> michael: kimberly guilfoyle. kimberly guilfoyle. why does that name ring a bell... why does that hurt my ears? >> she has no diplomatic experience, but she's a long time trump loyalist, firing up the republican national convention during his 2020 re-election campaign. >> the best is yet to come! >> michael: that's it! i remember! the screaming lady! although, i guess in greece, that's considered normal volume? now you might be wondering why is trump appointing

kimberly guilfoyle if she has no diplomatic experience, and seemingly no ties to greece. well, it turns out, it might be a consolation prize. >> in a statement, the president-elect calling her a close friend and praising her sharp intellect. but he made no mention of her four-year long engagement to his eldest son amid tabloid rumors that donald trump jr. is now dating someone new. [audience reacts] >> michael: wow, what a great way to end a relationship. forget about, "listen, it's not you, it's me." now we've got, "listen... how would you like to be ambassador to greece?" good for kimberly to score this position after a breakup. last time one of my relationships ended, i couldn't even get my valtrex back. it's okay, she needs it now, too. bon voyage, kimberly. your relationship is over, but now you get to move to greece. or you might say: >> the best is yet to come! >> michael: [laughs] oh, my god, it still hurts. meanwhile, things are a little

rockier for a different trump appointee, pete hegseth, nominee for secretary of defense and veteran of multiple tours with captain morgan. last week, his nomination looked like it was in big trouble. probably because people were worried he'd have to blow into a breathalyzer before entering the situation room. let's check in on how it's going now. >> after a rocky start, pete hegseth, president-elect donald trump's intended choice to lead the pentagon, is on the rebound. >> he's much better off this week than he was last week. >> some republicans, including ones like senator tommy tuberville of alabama, someone who's very close to donald trump, have brushed off these reports of excessive drinking. >> is he a drunk? i mean, does he hang out in bars overnight? does he drink for lunch and dinner and breakfast? >> michael: "does he piss martinis and shit olives? no? well, then, give this man a security clearance." [laughs] i'm sorry, but "he's not drunk every second of his life" is a pretty low bar, which, by the

way, is the only bar that pete hegseth hasn't been thrown out of. look, you can argue what the exact definition of a drinking problem is, but i think a good barometer is: is everyone in the county talking about how much you drink? then you probably have a drinking problem. so that's one excuse for putting hegseth in charge of the defense department. let's hear another one from oklahoma senator markwayne mullin -- yes, that's his name. >> what i'm saying is, when you're talking about drinking at 10:00 in the morning, that's a drinking problem. now, it doesn't mean that there should be a stigma. >> well, then, there's a lot of politicians that have a drinking problem, jake. >> yes, of course. but i guess, my question is -- >> yes, and then there's probably a lot of media that has a drinking problem, too. [audience reacts] >> michael: yeah, a lot of people have drinking problems, but they're not trying to run the pentagon. so, yeah, it's different. it's different. and you agree. [applause]

it's like he's saying, "oh, nobody cared about my drinking before i got behind the wheel, but now all of a sudden, it's a problem?" yeah, it's a problem! ultimately, it's worse if you're an alcoholic in certain jobs. like, you don't want to have an alcoholic pilot. but a drunk "daily show" host? what's the worst that happens? i pee myself? behind the desk? and i need latoya to bring me new pants, right now? latoya! new pants! latoya! new pants! [applause] but even if he's confirmed, pete seems to understand that being blackout drunk 23 hours a day might be a problem, which is why he's offering to change. >> he's been telling members of the senate republican conference that if he were confirmed as secretary of defense, he would not drink alcohol at all. he would abstain from drinking. >> this is the biggest deployment of my life and there won't be a drop of alcohol on my lips while i am doing it. >> michael: that's good enough for me! when has an alcoholic ever

promised to do better and not followed through? what a deal. "just put me in charge of the largest military in history, and i'll stop drinking. by the way, jello shots don't count as drinking. that's eating." that's a solid. and it seems like it's good enough for donald trump, too. >> the fact that there are these allegations against him, the fact that he said to some senators, reportedly, he'll stop drinking if he gets this job, does that worry you? >> no. i think that everybody has something that they can stop. some people can stop eating. i'm lucky i'm not a drinker, but i could stop eating. >> michael: i think i speak for everyone when i say, sir, no, you couldn't. i guess he means eating junk food, but still, there's a big difference between alcoholism and eating. no one's ever said, "dad, you came home full again!" you know what's weird? it's almost like all the

revelations about hegseth's drinking has helped him, because now it feels like if he can just steamroll the senators on that one issue, he wins. like, the whole "completely unqualified" part about his resume is totally forgotten. but don't forget, if this guy quits drinking to become secretary of defense, his only qualification is that he quit drinking to become secretary of defense. [applause] but hey, maybe this nomination isn't the worst way to get someone off the sauce. in fact, some rehab centers are already adopting this strategy. >> has your drinking problem gotten out of control? then visit five-star recovery. our program gives you back on your feet by giving you full control of the entire u.s. military. you don't have to face alcoholism alone. at five-star, you will face it while managing a trillion dollar budget and 2 million soldiers. put your mind at ease at our lush grounds and a spa-like facilities, as you receive constant overwhelming updates on the position and force posture

of our forces around the globe. >> when i went to five-star, i was a drunk. they gave me peace of mind. and the nuclear codes. >> and got me clean for, like, six and half weeks. >> become your best self with our patented two step program. step one: admit you have a problem. step two: determine how to redeploy our special forces in syria without destabilizing the kurdish positions across the euphrates. do not [bleep] our [bleep] treaty with [bleep]. five-star. the journey to recovery starts with one confirmation vote. >> and by the way, if anybody has seen those cones, help. >> michael: when we come back, we'll find out who joe biden will pardon next, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

it's closed. what about my letter? call uncle bryan. to the north pole! grandpa! oh no! the december to remember sales event. he did get my letter! get offers on select models. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." last month, joe biden pardoned his son, hunter, causing people to ask, "joe biden is still president?" but he is, and he still has pardon power for another month. our own grace kuhlenschmidt hit the streets to ask new yorkers who they think he should use it on. >> president biden parted two

turkeys named peach and blossom on thanksgiving, and the human man named hunter biden a few days later. to find out who else he might pardon before leaving office, i decided to ask my fellow friendly new yorkers. sorry, pardon me. pardon me. that's my purse. that's my purse. [laughs] i love this city! so they are saying that biden might pardon enemies of trump. can you think of anyone else who might be on trump's enemy list? >> yes, me and all of my friends. >> got you. should dr. fauci be pardon for the crime of doing science? >> we have to pardon dr. fauci. he got us through a hard time. >> he got me through a really, really bad breakup. do you think you should pardon eric adams? >> eric adams. who is eric adams? >> mayor of new york city? >> no. >> do you think you should pardon giuliani for going goblin mode 24 sevenths? >> what is goblin mode? >> just looks like a goblin. >> i think he is really disgusting. he shouldn't be pardon of anything. >> the crime is actually

disgusting. it is heinous. murder varied 100 people. the conversation about how love is actually conditional -- >> really? >> let's play [bleep], marry, pardon be as big of nonshaman? >> oof. >> oof. >> and you can't [bleep] them all. >> eric adams. >> he could watch this, you could have a chance. >> you could put your finger and make him squirm. >> okay, i will marry donald trump. you know what, i think i would live a good life. >> i'm going to marry eric adams. >> interesting choice. >> just so that i can play mind games with him. >> love it. >> gaslight, gatekeeper, girl boss. >> being in the city of new york, i guess i will pardon adams? >> congratulation. youyou are [bleep] the qanon shaman. >> i forgot about that. >> no, you didn't. >> if you get it pardon for one crime, what would it be? >> arson.

>> that was a really quick answer. >> i like fire. >> let's get the matches away from this guy. have you written anything that you would need a pardon for? >> marrying my first husband. >> i did pirate a lot of limewire back in the day. >> all limewire uses should be pardoned. >> do you ever at cvs and you are holding a bunch of things and you forget to bring something up? >> when you are doing self-checkout? to become a part of self-checkout is maybe i am going to shoplift. do you want to look into the pardon cam right here and ask joe biden to be pardon for your limewire usage? >> joe biden, i am sorry. i just really wanted that linkin park single. >> president biden, i would like to be pardoned for the occasional mistake of missing an item on self-checkout. >> right. she does it every single day. but she doesn't mean to. is there anything that you have done that you think you should get a pardon for? >> i guess, telling people i love them when i don't. >> if you wouldn't mind look

into our pardon camp and asking joe biden for a pardon for that. >> yes, joe biden, please pardon me for lying to men all over the world. i am about to ask you to. >> i love that. >> this is the first time i admit it on camera. i guess i am growing up. >> biden, i need a pardon. i acted some on a national television. to be fair, she said it herself but i feel like i was a lesbian accomplice in this situation. >> i would date you. >> i would need another pardon. i picked someone up on camera, and absolute player. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> michael: thank you, grace. when we come back, t.j. english will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a journalist and best-selling author whose new book is called "the last kilo." please welcome t.j. english! t.j.! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ t.j. english. t.j. english. [cheers and applause] it's got at all. it's got it all. this book is so fun to read. >> thanks. >> michael: the first half of this book, i said, i want to quit my job and become a cocaine smuggler. it changed, but -- >> by the end of the book, a whole different view on that, i am sure.

>> michael: who do you write about so well in here? >> i write about a book that was called los muchachos, led by an guy named willy falcon, a cuban exile whose family had been chased out of cuba at the time of the cuban revolution. he came to the united states. in the '70s, he was kind of working construction and then some members of the anti-castro movement came to him and said, we need some young guys who will partner with us on a plan we have to bring cocaine into the united states and to sell it in the united states and use the proceeds to buy guns and explosives for the contras in central america. >> michael: and willy said, drugs are not my thing, goodbye, end of the story. >> he probably maybe wishes he said that. but he said, i can do that. his main motivation was to get rid of castro. i mean, that was the generation of cubans who woke up in the morning dreaming of a dead fidel castro. in fact, they woke up in the

morning, dreaming of strangling fidel castro to death with their own hands. >> michael: but in a way, doesn't that romanticize this a little bit? it's easy for willy falcon to say, it is okay i am doing all this because it has a good, i have the ability because i'm overthrowing the regime? but it grew bigger than that for him. >> yeah, i think we refer to that as a false value system. >> michael: [laughs] >> he believed in it, he believed in the cause and he was willing to do anything for the cause. so when they asked him to do this, he was all for it. you got to remember, in the late '70s when this started, cocaine was only used by the very rich. in hollywood, rock stars, some professional athletes. nobody else could afford it. so the first thing they did was they made it affordable. they brought in so much quantity that they could lower the price and they started to sell that and it was available at the working class level. >> michael: this book has 40

pages of reference notes. this is an entertaining read what you are telling me that you actually researched this shit? >> hey, man, when i started this book i thought i knew this era, like a lot of people, i saw the movie "scarface," "miami vice." this era existed in our culture and i came to believe that a lot of that is not untrue, but sensationalized. there is a lot of stereotypes in the presentation of the cocaine era. for instance, this group did not use violence as part of their operation. that was startling to me. i was even concerned. i was like, how do we tell the cocaine story without the submachine guns and chainsaws? >> michael: it seems like their philosophy was you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. there is examples of people -- of people lying to them, and they actually don't use violence. if anything, they would call them in for a meeting and give them some money and say, we should be friends, right? >> you know what they would do, they would cut them out of the business.

willy and his partner, sal, willy and sal and los muchachos, that was in any of their organization, were so predominant in the cocaine business, if you got cut out of their organization, you were cut out of the business. they had the best product of the best price. we are talking about miami as a base but what they were known for is the distribution system. so bringing cocaine to l.a., to san francisco, to chicago, to new york. they really created a system that touched off that entire era. >> michael: everyone should know, it ends poorly. it ends very, very poorly. and there is also part of me that gets so mad at all the rules they broke. that's not fair. you can't buy a sheriff. >> fixing the jury. >> michael: i mean, that blew me away. tell me a little bit about that. >> they finally go to trial, a big federal racketeering trial, and they are so popular in south florida that they not only fixed the jury, they fixed one, two, three, four, five jurors out of 12.

they buy off to give them a not guilty verdict and they are found not guilty. it was a shock to everybody. they own the system. they were like robin hoods in south florida. they were revered by many cuban-americans, because they funneled money back into the community. they built baseball parks and they spread the money around. they were very popular. >> michael: some of the more powerful moments in the book are when they are faced with those decisions through their families, their parents who came over in dangerous situations and almost act now embarrassed of their children. >> that is very poignant. it was very poignant to me because their parents were kicked out of cuba. some of them have been professionals and they lost everything, and they wound up in south florida with nothing. and here's the kids, 11, 12, 13, they are looking at their parents. they grow up watching their parents suffer. i think what was driving a lot of this cocaine generation was to succeed and to make their

parents proud. ironically, that was their goal. to show that they could make it in america in a way that would make their parents proud. and it was the parents that came to them, knew they were in the cocaine business, came to them and said, son, you've got to get out of this business. it's not going to end well. >> michael: that is easy. it's easy to cheat. it's hard to do it the right way. >> it's hard to cheat, too. >> michael: it's hard to cheat too. and that's the lesson. i want to ask you this. this is your tenth book. >> yes. >> michael: for any young writer, author out there, advice for anyone who wants to write? i don't even know if kids read books anymore. but there is a kid who wants to write books. what would you say to him or her at this point? >> write every day. write something every day. >> michael: okay. >> and get out into the world. because writing is basically transforming your experiences into the written word down on

the page. and so get out. if you are a kid who is in school, get away from school. and i don't mean drop out. i don't mean drop out. but i mean, there is a reality other than school, and that is a reality you got to learn. let go of the side of the pool and put yourself out into the deep end. that is how you become a writer. >> michael: well, you write wonderfully. [applause] my family was happy when i finished this book because they were talking to me and i am going "sex in prison, what the hell?" it's a great book. thank you for coming and talking with us today. >> thank you. >> michael: "the last kilo" is available now. t.j. english. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. thank you so much! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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boop! friends. let's go, let's go, friends! hold onto your dice. woohoo!! -nice frosting, pratt. -thank you! how we doin', keke? tastes like money to me. i can't go back to jail! wait, did you rob my bank? -hehe. -are we winning!? -ha ha ha! -oh boy! yeah! money, power, friendship. let's go! [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight but before we go, please consider donating to one simple wish, a charity that grants wishes to children in foster care. if you can grant a wish or donate towards their holiday wish fund, please do so at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> isn't that enough to figure out who is behind it?

i don't understand why we have no information on this. it feels -- i don't believe it. i think they do have information on it they are not telling us. my guess is that it is china and they just aren't doing anything about it. am i right? >> if the drone is large enough, we are going to be able to find out who made it and who bought it into effect. it into effect. >> sor ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ [♪ upbeat music playing] -[crowd cheering on tv] -[commentator] wide open in the end zone. touchdown, patriots!

beautiful pass by tom brady. yeah, brady! he's awesome. i can't believe gisele gets to sleep with him. i wish i was a supermodel. hey, it's a commercial. jerome, switch over to the redzone. screw that, i say we put on the bonezone. -what's that? -oh, it's awesome. they show every sex scene on tv without all the boring dialogue and plot. -[remote clicks] -okay, once again, nothing is happening on homeland, but over on masters of sex, lizzy caplan is hooked up to electrodes and getting it from a guy who sounds american, but probably isn't. hey, we're gonna split the screens now because my producer is telling me on game of thrones we got a malnourished albino plowing a girl in a tub as he names dragons. oh, there's a bone zone alert for girls, which we'll ignore, 'cause it's gabby hoffmann donald ducking it. last time we went to that, we lost a lot of subscribers, and we're keeping an eye on the knick. we don't want to bring you dead boobs, but if they're alive, we'll get you over there. -[phone chirps] -ah, crap. it's almost 3:00. i got to get out of here. for what? it's sunday. eh, the airline's making us all attend a seminar about what to do if someone flies a drone

into your flight path. yeah, i hear that kind of obnoxious behavior