- what an awesome party. the best wedding i've ever been to. i got six numbers. one more would have been a complete telephone number. this was epic. my kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man, my dogs are barking. [exhales] my feet were so sweaty, i can't even feel the cold. what a lovely hotel. - okay. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> jon: boom! welcome to "the daily show!" happy new year! welcome! please! very nice. thank you, thank you! welcome to "the daily show!" welcome to the frozen tundra of new york city. my name is jon stewart. what a historic day in washington, d.c. it is, as many of you know, january 6. it is january 6th. and as you can see, once again, a blanket of angry white descending on the capitol! this white, oddly enough, not as disruptive! it did snarl traffic, but a lot less bear spray and confederate flags. of course, it is january 6th.

it is the day that, traditionally, we now pretend that we knew was a big deal in terms of certifying the elections. be honest. before that insurrection, you had no [bleep] idea that there was a january 6 ceremony, or what it did, or why it did. you just had to act like, "oh, yes! the reading of the electors... so important!" so let's get to it! it always begins with the traditional children's procession, where they bring in boxes filled with cremated remains of their dead pets, and then they dump them, all the ashes on the speaker's desk who then blows on the dust president-elect is conjured in the mist. america is a wonderous land. but it's good to see them bringing in the boxes.

nice to know that democracy now has pall bearers. [audience reacts] so trenchant. of course, the ultimate indignity of this january 6 is that donald trump's opponent, kamala harris, because she is vice president, serves as the master of ceremonies to this - [audience reacts] really, you are a very reactive and sad group. the empathy is off the charts with this group! kamala harris has to be the master of ceremonies. but it does suck. >> the votes for president of the united states are as follows. donald j. trump of the state of florida has received 312 votes. kamala d. harris -- [cheers and applause]

>> jon: that's got to sting. she's like, "um... i can hear you." goddamn. that's like attending your own funeral, and even the mourners are like, "woo-hoo!" man, i can't imagine anything that would be more uncomfortable then standing there while the crowd applauds your opponent. >> kamala d. harris of the state of california has received 226 votes. [cheers and applause] >> jon: wait! that sounded louder! there is a lot of joy in that room! i think she can still win this thing! she just need them to find 130,000 votes in georgia! and then some in michigan, pennsylvania... maybe wisconsin, it'd be nice to flip north carolina! but ultimately, the certification ceremony that we all look forward to every four

years, since i was little, went off without a hitch. because it's amazing how smoothly our democracy works when you don't act like a little bitch when you lose. [cheers and applause] not naming names! just saying. it was lovely to begin this new political year on a peaceful and calm note. because the actual new year was really quite rougher. the hopeful dreams of a peaceful new year filled with the love and camaraderie of people in times square holding in their pee for 12 hours was shattered by a terrorist attack at 3:15 a.m. in new orleans. the attack was sudden and horrific. it said law enforcement scrabbling to find their perpetrators and viewers to find out if the perpetrators, once found, would validate or invalidate their previously held political viewpoints. >> we are hearing local reports that the suspect has been named as shamsud-din jabbar, which

would indicate middle eastern descent. >> jon: oh, would it? you don't believe he's of the mayflower din jabbars? the connecticut din jabbars? i am going over to the country club today. we are going to play a round with din jabbar!" so point one: maga. >> the fbi confirming that an isis flag was located in that ford f-150 pickup truck when the attack occurred. >> jon: isis flag, that is 2-0, maga. it's best to five! papa needs a brand new reason to deport everybody! >> we do know that the vehicle crossed through eagle pass, texas, crossed the border two days ago. >> jon: a radical muslim illegally named din jabbar crossing the border to commit violence against americans? yahtzee! and while normally the right, in

tragedy, would caution us to take a moment for thoughts and prayers for the victims, and not politicize it, that's only when they think they're on the wrong side of this shit. >> the biden administration has created an environment that allows things like this to happen. >> mr. trump is blaming the biden administration's open border policies. >> we've been saying for over a year now that there is likely to be a terrorist attack on our home soil with an open southern border. >> jon: no time for thoughts and prayers! deploy the continental 48 cloche! that's -- that's called a cloche. you know, in the diner, you are like, i will have that pie, and they act like someone is going to steal that pie and they put it under that. that is called a cloche, and that is the basis of the joke. [cheers and applause]

of course -- what i love most about this drop is the ability to educate. all the various paraphernalia found at diners. of course, this judgment that the networks came to was, of course, rushed to. >> now we're hearing from multiple reports that he was an american citizen. he was in the army reserves, that he wasn't some illegal immigrant that came across the border. >> jon: lift the cloche! the cloche has been deployed you must lift the cloche! so that did not turn out to be the ironclad argument for sealed borders that the right was hoping for. but fear not, more chaos to come! >> breaking news out of las vegas, where a tesla cybertruck exploded outside the trump towers hotel. >> jon: cybertruck exploded outside a trump hotel. so even terrorists are political cartoonists now?

a little on the nose, don't you think? i mean, come on! i think it's pretty clear what's going on here, have at it, boys! >> john, i'm going to point out the obvious. he goes to the trump resort in las vegas, donald trump, he's in a tesla cybertruck. elon musk. >> this was a statement. he was making a statement about trump, about elon. >> should the fbi be treating this as another attempt on trump's life, even though he wasn't at the hotel at the time? [laughter] >> jon: why the [bleep] not? i saw a car accident outside of trump tower in new york. let's make that number four or five. who cares what is really happening? but unfortunately for that narrative, the statement by the bomber was actually: i think trump is awesome! >> officials say the man who blew up a tesla cybertruck outside a vegas trump hotel expressed support for president-elect donald trump and

elon musk. >> saying americans need to quote, "rally behind president-elect donald trump and elon musk." >> jon: far be it from me to tell someone how they should express their affection -- i've worked for years to become more open -- but even i know that blowing someone's shit in front of more of their shit, it's what we call in the therapy business: a mixed message. [laughter and applause] so neither end of the "illegal immigrant" "anti-american" parlay has hit. don't let reality ruin a good narrative. >> the person who committed the attack was, indeed, an american citizen. but let's not take our eyes off the bigger picture here, which is that over the past four

years, millions of people have come into the country. >> my goodness, what else don't we know if these -- these are a couple of people who are home grown, what don't we know of all of these people who have come across the border? >> jon: yes, clearly we have a problem over here, so... what about over there? it turns out that american-born extremists not only show we have to close the border, they also take the wind out of the left's other favorite policy prescriptions. >> this also should lay bare the idea that gun control is going to make us safer. you know, we're using -- what are we going to do? start preregistering people for car -- or giving background checks for people to get cars? >> jon: i saw that. you got halfway through that and were like, oh!

oh! i can almost see it, when your brain was like, "i don't want to go down that road!" "oh, what are we going to have to do now, registered -- abort! no, don't say abort! i don't know what is happening!" [applause] putting on a [bleep] one-man show. "what, are we going to make people get licenses -- [laughs] what it seems to show is that people have a tremendous ability to fit whatever happens into their predetermined, dogmatic worldview. it's not a rush to judgment as much as, like, a gag reflex. which is why in the immediate aftermath of these terrible

events, we all wait to see whose worldview will be validated. and it makes it doubly frustrating that the fbi feels the need to play into the demand for immediate answers, when they couldn't possibly know them yet! i give you the fbi four hours after the attack. >> this is not a terrorist event. >> jon: just say you don't know yet! because a couple hours later when you find out what's really going on, you're just going to look dumb. >> the f.b.i., we're working with our partners to investigate this as an act of terrorism. >> jon: okay! no harm, no foul. it's not like you played into the fears of co-conspirators out there lining the streets with explosives. >> we do not believe that jabbar was solely responsible. >> the fbi has recovered video, surveillance video, that appears to show three -- three men and one woman appearing to help put ieds -- what are believed to be ieds -- at locations in the french quarter. >> jon: holy shit! ieds in the french quarter!

i guess i have no option but to violently confront anyone in this vicinity that i believe is operating a sleeper cell! >> police interviewed those four individuals and now believe that they just were bystanders who happened to look suspicious. [audience reacts] >> jon: but i already killed them. they happened to look suspicious? in new orleans? what were they wearing, beads in the winter? little sparkle and glitter? were they carrying musical instruments around and seemingly too upbeat for a funeral? >> it turns out those were just patrons on the street that were looking -- looking inside the coolers. >> jon: yes, nothing more suspicious than people on

bourbon street at 3:00 in the morning looking inside coolers. "i arrested these ladies who were lifting up their shirts, clearly signaling to the other jihadists!" these attacks are really frightening, and add to this feeling of the societal tenuous nest since we have ingested since, i will go with, the creation of facebook. almost more frightening is we can't place these attackers into the normal, neat boxes of disturbed, bullied loners. not only do they not fit into neat ideological packages, they almost seem uncomfortably normal! the isis-supporting jabbar? this is him from a while back. >> i'm shamsud din jabbar, property manager with blue metal properties and team lead at the midas group at core realty. i just want to say hello and let you know a little bit about me. so i'm born and raised in beaumont, texas, and now live in houston. >> jon: here's the crazy thing: here's a terrorist. i would have bought real estate from this guy. he seems totally run of the mill guy who's been life-coached up.

he's even got -- if you notice in the background there -- the basic bitch, motivational discipline posters behind him! "go all in." "take responsibility." terrorists generally don't have those posters! i don't remember bin laden having to remind himself to "hang in there." [laughter and applause] by the way, this is true -- just as a side note -- that is the actual, original "hang in there, baby" poster. i don't remember. i had one that was a super cute orange kitty. but this one really seems more demanding that you hang in there. like, it doesn't really look like a kitty trying to give you more -- it looks more like did nero and "cape fear," pull-ups being like, "i will [bleep] you up." that is not -- that cannot --

that cannot would [bleep]. if you died, that cat would eat you and crawl inside of you. although, i guess most cats would. i don't like these terrorists and killers having such vibrant digital trails. i don't want them to be relatable! the cybertruck bomber guy. >> you see the photos on facebook. he did a lot of traveling. there is one photo that was taken in thailand. >> jon: i nap! and look at luigi mangione. this guy was a hooded professional assassin with a silencer and now we've got to watch him deliver the valedictory speech at his high school? >> as i conclude my speech, i have to remember that a valedictory by definition is a farewell. >> jon: by the way, where did that kid go to high school? they all look like extras in a consent video.

i'm not trying to be a dick. but it looks like everybody in the background looks like they're about to go, "all right, girls, who wants some grain alcohol?" and we all wait on pins and needles for their motive, have to know "why." what's the road from "real estate wannabe" to "the west is decadent?" and they have left manifestos. but their manifestos suck! allegedly so obsessed with health care costs that it drove him to murder, here's what he wrote in his manifesto. >> "frankly, i do not pretend to be the most qualified person to lay out the full argument." >> jon: "i'm just the muscle! i'm not the ideas guy!" "i don't know anything about it, i just no, you know -- finally, someone willing to stand up for what he isn't really sure he believes in. to be quite honest, i urge the news media, don't even call these manifestos. these are an insult to manifestos! throwing something down on your

notes app is not a manifesto. say what you want about ted kascynski, the man put in the work. cabin with no plumbing, 35,000 words, old school typewriter, double spaced! bibliography, table of contents! i think it had been blurbed by other crazy people. "if you have to read one manifesto this year..." charles manson. these other guys are out here, "hey chatgpt, write me a concise screed against the healthcare industry as though it were a drake rap." like, this is -- the point is, i don't know what's going on here, where normal-seeming people have a setback in their life, end up online, down some rabbit hole, the algorithm amplifies their anger and fears, and all of a sudden, you're releasing a half-assed manifesto and shooting the place up! it doesn't have to be this way.

so a plea to all the would-be terrorists that are out there: hey, girl! down on your luck? girlfriend left you? job's a dead end? spending a lot of time watching whatever youtube autoplay is showing you? and now you've got some ideas? how about you don't kill everybody? just do what everyone else does in that situation. get a [bleep] podcast. that way, nobody dies! [cheers and applause] you get a podcast, nobody dies. you can still terrorize people. and no, i do not want to be on it. when we come back, we will be talking to congressman jamie raskin, don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight represents maryland's 8th congressional district in the house of representatives. he was elected ranking member of the judiciary committee and he joins me now from washington. please welcome to the program congressman jamie raskin! sir! hello! [cheers and applause] how are you, sir? thank you for joining us. i imagine, sir, a very hectic day. did they do their traditional tracing of the congresspeople through the bowels of the building? >> yeah, luckily it was snowing outside, so all the insurrectionist's were slipping and falling on the road. but no, today was actually a totally uneventful and peaceful and nonviolent today. it is what january 6th should be and it is what it used to be

like, i suppose. >> jon: congressman, is it hard on a day like today, seeing the way that it went, not to be passive-aggressive to the republican colleagues, to not be like, "oh! hey, look at this, done by 1:00! hey! oh, my god, we can go out to friday's and eat apps because there was no rioting?" >> yeah, the whole thing took, like, maybe 25 minutes. it should have taken 15 minutes but some of our republican colleagues confused it with the republican national convention and they were cheering and applauding and yelling. we were just there to count the votes, and we were not there to continue the campaign. but yeah, i mean, i talked to my friend lauren boebert and i asked her how she enjoyed it and she said it was great because no

democrats had made any objections and i said it was terrific because nobody tried to assassinate the vice president. so we were all happy with how it went. [cheers and applause] >> jon: good point. at any point, with lauren boebert, when you say something like that -- and i am that doesn't happen -- that she ever say "touche"? >> lauren is actually very funny. it is sort of like the beatles on the rolling stone. you are either a marjorie taylor greene person or a lauren boebert person. i am a lauren boebert myself. but they call her lauren grope-ert, which really isn't fair. >> jon: so there is a lot of passive aggression down there. >> there is, indeed. >> jon: things aren't going to change much in the house because johnson was the speaker before. the republicans control the house.

so generally, other than some changing of committee chair -- chairmanships and you are being elevated to rank, what is going to be different for democrats in the house in this new fashion? >> they've got a much narrower margin now. so i think we are down to 219-2015. because matt gaetz left and then and then elise stefanik is on her way out. [cheers and applause] while i appreciate that year. so it will be 217-215, which means they cannot afford to lose a single vote and they have already suffered the defection of congresswoman from indiana who got so mad about the fact that she wasn't put on the committee she wanted that she has left the republican conference and is an independent now, and we haven't even started deliberations yet. so i think we are going to be in good shape to exploit some of the conflicts and contradictions going on within the republican conference. i think you probably saw, jon,

that enraged nativist racist maga base is upset with elon musk and the broligarques who want to bring in tens of thousands of cheap foreign labor so that is something that is exploding. there is a bunch of issues like that including abortions where there are still some libertarians who don't want to go near it but the theocratic majority within maga, led by mike johnson, say that life begins at conception. so they have been trying to ban it nationally, and we expect that to come back and hopefully, we'll be able to pull over some of the lingering pro-choice republicans. >> jon: right. is that more a question of, because when you don't control -- in the house especially -- the house especially is kind of a zero-sum game. the senate rules are sort of so antiquated and bizarre and you need 60 for this and three quarters for this -- the house really is, even if you have one other member, you control all of

who gets called before congress, you get to control the witnesses, you get to control the legislation. does that make it harder for democrats, even on a purely logistical, mechanical way? >> yeah, it does. because over on the senate side, they've got the filibuster, so each senator theoretically can throw a monkey wrench into the whole thing, whereas we've got our rules committee, we adopt the rule and the rule is usually whatever the majority wants. in fact, they wrote the first partisan discrimination into house rules in history, saying, they are going from one person to move to vacate to seven members moving to vacate, but they've got to be from the majority party. so it would be like saying, only republicans but can move to adjourn or move to reconsider a vote but they voted for that and one of my new colleagues, actually from rhode island said, this is outrageous, this violates equal protection.

let's go to the supreme court. and i was like, yeah, we've been there, we've done that. the roberts court is not exactly all over these unconstitutional -- >> jon: you got to tell the new kids, oh, i've got some bad news from you about that supreme court. they are going to do that. are there things, though, can the republicans do that with the debt ceiling? i know there are a lot of democrats who thought that the debt ceiling fights were ridiculous and really limited their ability to get anything done. are there any sort of -- can the republicans say, we are going to remove the debt ceiling but only for four years? and basically force, for whatever they want to do and spend on, they can do, and if democrats regain control, that all goes away again? >> yeah, i mean, fortunately, they are more divided than they are even hateful of us. so they can't get together and get anything done. if you look at the last congress, the only way that we kept the government afloat and

going was democrats coming into bail out mike johnson. i think it is going to be the same thing. i do think there could be some issues where we get together. for example, donald trump is very proud of the fact that he beat kamala by 3 million votes and we are part of the fact that joe biden be donald trump by 7 million votes in 2020. but if they are proud of the popular vote, why don't we get rid of the electoral college and start electing the president the way we elect everybody else, like representatives and senators and mayors and governors? why don't we actually come together and step forward? the electoral college can get you killed these days, as we saw in 2020, and is given as five popular vote losers in our history, twice in this entry. donald trump and george w. bush. so let's move forward on that. why do we get together on that? >> jon: is that before or after they add the conservative provinces of canada to the popular vote total? like, i just get the sense that they are always one step ahead. they are like, sure, let's do

that. oh, welcome, alberta. they will do something that just screws it. and is there something in here too, congressman, i want to ask you, isn't there a certain something freeing for the democrats right now, having nothing to do with the republicans and their infighting and all that -- i follow this relatively closely, enough to look like this now. i am 27. i follow it relatively closely. i don't know who is in charge of the democratic party. i don't know the direction you are going. isn't there something enlivening about the opportunity before democrats right now, to rethink, to have that opportunity, almost a rumspringa, if you will? you won't control the judicial, the congress, the executive. you have the opportunity to recreate what this party will be going forward. is there a process for that? is there a desire for that?

>> yes, and being the minority definitely is a lot more fun. it invites a lot of creativity and you know, it is a riot in the prejanuary 6th sense of the word. >> jon: that is not a slogan that is going to fly with most minorities. most minorities would be like, ehh. >> but we have the opportunity to organize for massive democratic victory in 2026 and that is exactly what we are doing. because we think that everywhere they are headed is so extreme that the vast majority of the american people are going to reject it. most americans do not want to ban abortion across the country. most americans do not want to deport 12 million people. most americans don't want to turn the department of justice into an instrument of revenge and retaliation and we are going to be standing up, every single day, jon, for the constitution, the bill of rights, and the freedoms and rights of the people. [cheers and applause] >> jon: it's going to be a lot

of work, but i look forward to seeing how it goes. do you think -- with this election being sort of a repudiation, boy, there's nothing worse in politics than having to govern, it seems. like, just when everybody gets mad at the status quo. do you think the leadership from the democratic party, the future of it is going to come from washington, which is so -- the brand is so diluted at this point for the american people -- or do you think it is going to be more from the statehouses and the governors? where do you think that energy is going to come from, in your mind? >> i mean, look, i think it is going to come from all over the country. i think it is going to come from democracy summer, the project we've got for young people all over america to learn about the history of social change in the country and to get involved in digital organizing and canvassing and organizing. you know, it may come from our two new states. and i'm not talking about panama and greenland.

i am talking about washington, d.c., and puerto rico. which we are fighting to admit as to dates to the united states. >> jon: but you don't control anything! you can't get these things done. by the way, congressmen, let me just say this, democracy summer sounds like really, the worst camp anybody has ever been to! that does not sound -- >> well, i invite you to come and appear. i think you will find something very different. >> jon: i will do it! oh, congressman! [cheers and applause] would you invite -- if you guys -- listen to me! if you have a retreat, oh, what i love to come down there and -- >> you will be our guest comedic speaker -- >> jon: no, no! i am taking over this bitch! i am coming down there! [cheers and applause] >> [laughs] look, i got to tell you, we've got -- i should have brought it with me but we've got the most beautiful poster in the world that shephard fairey made for us.

he is the guy that did the obama hope poster. he made a democracy summer poster for us. the future really is with the young people and we need them and there is a major battle going on for young america right now and we need young people in the democratic party. >> jon: was the hardest part, so many constituencies moved to the right. what was the one that stung the most? was it latino voters made a big move, men and women. but young people, surprisingly, were the ones that really made a move and until you sort of get together and decide what that core value is of the party, isn't it hard to have a plan to gain those demographics back? >> well, there is no doubt that the right wing social media outlets and the talk shows and the podcasts have been targeting young men especially. and so that is why, look, i am a

62-year-old grandfather now, which means i am in the younger part of the party in congress. and let my kids are in their 20s, okay? and i know what is going on with young people in their 20s and they are being targeted. and we need to organize. as the g.o.p. turns itself into a cult with authoritarian habits of submission and obedience to authority, we have got to be a lot more like an open school for america to come in and to get educated about what is really going on and to feed people not lies in conspiracy theories, but facts and the truth. so i invite you very much, jon stewart -- >> jon: in your heart, you feel like democrats are being honest with themselves about what happened? i am hearing a lot, quite frankly, excuses that feel like,

oh, we just didn't message well, or if i'd only knocked on that door four times. are they being honest enough with what their actual ideas are in terms of popularity within the american people? all those things? or do you feel like it is still about, jeez, if we just had better podcasting, we would have won? >> you know, it is a process for trying to figure it out. it is not like the election is over on november 5th and november 6, you know exactly what happened. it is a complicated situation. but i will tell you that everybody is very serious about trying to figure out both substance a doll back substantively, and also what went wrong about not connecting with different communications and audiences ou. as you know, it is not like the mainstream media is the mainstream media anymore. everybody is getting their news and their ideas in different places and we do have to be a lot better about getting in front of the different audiences

that have grown up in this new system. >> jon: well, sir, we really appreciate it. there's very few people i like to listen to more than you, and especially on the judiciary committee. boy, your work in those committees is really -- sometimes, i feel like i'm watching "matlock." the way you walk up there and you just slowly disassemble the logic and all those different things, it is really something to watch, man, and i think we all look forward to seeing those hearings soon. and we really appreciate you taking the time with us this evening, and it is january 7th another milestone for democracy? none of us actually know civics. >> i will tell you one funny story about january 7th. because my kids always say i get really depressing when i talk about the sixth. i have one really funny story which is the next day, i was down in nancy pelosi's office and i was waiting in the little receptionist area and the receptionist picks up the phone and people were calling and saying, you know, i was in your

office yesterday, do you guys have a lost and found? because i think i forgot my phone there. i think i forgot my purse there. and so she didn't know what to do. i said, let's get in touch with the capitol police. they came over and started writing everything down. give us your name, that your social security number, your address, and we will get you your property back. [cheers and applause] >> jon: congressman jamie raskin! of maryland! fantastic. thank you for joining us! [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause]

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(♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! [cheers and applause] desi, what are you covering this week? desi? desi? desi? >> huh? oh, what? >> jon: what you got this week? >> oh, sorry, jon, i'm just following my new years resolution to make sure i get more screen time. >> jon: did you say more screen time? don't people usually try to get less screen time? >> no, that's a big mistake. see, if you set goals that you can't reach, you're just get going to get depressed when you fail. so my resolution is to do all the stuff i'm going to do anyway, so i complete my resolutions and become a better person.

[cheers and applause] >> jon: doesn't more screen time make you a worse and less attentive person? desi lydic, everybody. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> there is no reason for us to do that. we understand that these individuals need a place and don't have a hearing, let's move forward. and i apologize but i am with my daughter and i actually can't vote so i am going back and forth here. >> sorry. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy ♪ okay, kids, remember, it's father's day, which is the one day a year we have to pretend your dad's annoying habits are charming quirks. here it comes, we get to watch him remove his mouth guard. good morning, family. let's see if i can break the nine-inch saliva string record. there it is, nine inches. peter, that's two inches. saliva starts at the taint, lois. you always measure from the wrong place. -brian? -thank you. i'll just take that to the nibbling corner. [brian moans with pleasure] happy father's day, dad. okay, peter, we have a special present for you this year. we thought you could have the whole day to yourself... -yes! -to do the father's day scavenger hunt

i organized with the other wives. -no! -no! no! no! no! what was that? my inner al pacino. everybody has one. -i don't. -sure, you do. since it's father's day, you have to do that thing in bed with me tonight. no! huh, son of a bitch. anyway, i thought a scavenger hunt would be fun. dads don't want fun on father's day. they want to put their hand down their pants and watch a guy from a weird country win a golf tournament. [♪ dramatic music playing] who's ready to scavenger hunt? i'll be your guide, today. hop on and, uh, please excuse the clutter. i'm kind of no mad landing it in this thing. can i move this bucket? i wouldn't move or open any buckets. now, i'm gonna put on a microphone headset even though i'm mere feet from you. -[feedback whines] -let's open that first clue and start pedaling. [whirring]

this is very hard. yeah, it's usually bachelorette parties on these things, so, they mostly run on "woos!" "kids grow up so fast. luckily, we are there for them when they need that extra support. -this is where you bought meg's first bra." -at goodwill. oh, that's where i got junior's first bra. happy father's day, daddy. a bunch of grabby fellas at the mall thought he was... [sighs] lizzo. [♪ dramatic music playing] did you really buy meg's first bra here? i didn't think they were allowed to sell used underwear products. they do, there's just a special way you have to ask. -hi. -hi. i'm looking for, um... uh... in a garbage bag behind the lamps. thank you. -i found it. -what's it say? "everybody's heard about this bird. the next clue can be found where he coops up. but don't worry, i'm not talking about his coupons."

sounds like the giant chicken's house. [♪ epic music playing] this is where the giant chicken lives? it's amazing. how's he so rich? his family got into the telecom game early. -they laid all the fiber from here to barrington. -chickens did that? quahog actually has 5 of the top 15 richest chickens in the world. i did a whole episode about it on my podcast, joe's gold, the hidden gems of quahog. i didn't know you had a podcast. well, you have to ask questions to get answers, peter. or as i say to my listeners, "ask and you shall joe-ceive." is that supposed to rhyme? because it doesn't. hey, you're joe from joe's gold. that's right. you want an autograph? no, i just want to say your hellofresh promo code doesn't work. -oh, did you type it in all caps? -yes. -joe's gold. all caps. -yes. it's got to be something on their end. hmm, i called them. they said it's your end. and you did all caps? [♪ western music playing]

we have reached our final destination. i do accept tips, and i also offer them. do not become a high school principal. [sighs] we made it, guys. looks like the last clue is on that fence over there. "congratulations on finishing your father's day scavenger hunt. you have earned your big gift." "you are now the proud sponsor of a rescue sheep on the ranch-- " -oh, no. -happy father's day. where we going to dinner? "baa-ja" fresh? i'll be keeping the sheep. [wind howling] [♪ suspenseful music playing] what the hell is he doing? [ranch hand] he's doing what he does every father's day. waiting to shoot his dad. [crunching] every year he stands under that there clocktower at high noon, waiting to duel his father, old west, who abandoned the family to become an outlaw. [crunching]

it was a promise he made to himself when he was just a boy, a promise his mother asked him to keep on her deathbed. [crunching] "pain for pain," she said. so, every year, wild west waits right there for his father to show, but every year... his father never does. his mouth is very wet. hmm. well, if he's just waiting there, now seems like a good time to ask him some chit-chatty questions. hey. hi. heard about your dad. crazy stuff. i don't have time for pleasantries. totally get it. hey, you run a small business. i'm looking for a new paper shredder. i can never find one that lasts. any recommendations? are you using lubricator sheets? i've never heard of that. buy lubricator sheets. use them every 500 pages. do you have a brand you use? -nuova. -muova? -nuova. -that's what i said. muova. it's nuova with an "n." -an "m?" -an "n." n-n? just spell it? i'll write it down.

[groans] "n." -[gunshot] -[groans] [♪ dramatic music playing] hello, son. dad. fathers and sons have one of the trickier relationships, historically. we talk about that all the time on the pod. hey, you're joe from joe's gold. guilty as charged. your hellofresh promo code doesn't work. no, we don't have any sponsors. i just made that up. go-friends, gather! keke! chris! jason! boop! friends. let's go, let's go, friends! hold onto your dice. woohoo!! -nice frosting, pratt. -thank you! how we doin', keke? tastes like money to me. i can't go back to jail! wait, did you rob my bank? -hehe. -are we winning!? -ha ha ha! -oh boy! yeah! money, power, friendship. let's go!

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