[cheering] - oh, no, no, put your credit cards away, it's on us. - oh-ho! all right! did i mess up my career today, my future prospects at sabre? i don't know. there is a chance, yes. i tell ya, i love my job. but jo wants me to put on a show for her and pretend to work late? ah. i spent all day trying to make her like me, and i forgot to ask myself something: do i even like her? as the irish poet bobby mcferrin said, "don't worry, be happy." - whoops. [grunting rhythmically] - okay. okay. all right. best night ever. - [grunting rhythmically] - what the hell's going on back there? >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central, it's america's only source for news! this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic!

[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome to "the daily show," i'm desi lydic. we got so much to talk about tonight. the real presidents of america have a drama filled reunion. we look at why nba ratings are lebroken and move our, black little mermaid, conservatives have a new fish to be mad at. so let's get into the headlines! [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with a historic day in washington, d.c., where former president jimmy carter's funeral was being held in the washington national cathedral. and look, i don't know how you measure the life of a man, whether through their personal accomplishments for the lives they touched, but if you measure a life by the vip guest list at your funeral, then jimmy carter was a [bleep] pimp!

>> funeral services for for president. today's funeral service bringing together five living presidents: bill clinton, george w. bush, barack obama, joe biden, and donald trump to honor carter, the longest lived commander in chief. >> desi: wow, that is incredibly rare to have five american presidents in the same room together. and even rarer to have donald and melania in the same room together. [laughter] kudos to president carter! and it seemed pretty uncomfortable that they all had to sit next to donald trump. just think about the history there. trump tried to put her in prison... accused him of murder... said he was a secret muslim founder of isis... said she was pretending to be black... ended his entire family dynasty... almost got him murdered... tried to overthrow his presidency... and paid off a porn star behind

her back. [cheers and applause] and by the way, basically all of them have said that he's hitler. so yeah, it's a seating chart so awkward that it probably had them asking "is there any extra room in that coffin?" although there was one surprising moment of chemistry. >> during carter's funeral, president-elect trump chatted with former president barack obama. of course, we don't know what they discussed but the interaction seemed friendly with both presidents talking and occasionally smiling. >> desi: someone is trying to make y elon jealous! it's a little weird for obama though, right? to go from "this guy is future hitler" to "oh, man, cool story, future hitler!" and by the way, kamala noticed. ♪ ♪ [laughter and applause]

i don't know if that funeral music was for carter or for her. kamala did the look that i do when someone behind me at the movie theater is talking. i didn't pay 20 bucks to hear you sing "defying gravity." also, this is conclave, why are you singing "defying gravity"? she did not seem happy to be sitting that close to donald trump. she basically spent the rest of the day flipping through that funeral program like she was going to find 44 electoral votes in it. [laughter] [applause] but of course the story dominating the news right now is the los angeles wildfires. there's been so many challenges as l.a. workers try to control these fires, like water shortages and manpower shortages. but there's one thing that we

have an endless supply of: good old-fashioned, made in america blame. and of course one of the countries leading blame producers is donald trump. >> i've been trying to get gavin newsom to allow water to come. you have tremendous water out there, they send it out to the pacific because they are trying to protect a tiny little fish, which is in other areas, by the way. called the smelt, and for the sake of the smelt, they have no water. >> desi: okay, we will come back to the smelt, but can we just talk about how weird it is that this senator is staring so hard at trump the entire time he's talking? that's the kind of behavior that makes me change subway cars. [laughter] and for the record, no, the l.a. fires have nothing to do with smelt. but in trump's defense, words are hard, and smelt only has one syllable, while "climate change" has three. obviously trump supporters

aren't just blaming fish for the wildfires. they're also going back to the hits. >> of course we haven't even mentioned the idiotic dei priorities that have infected the higher of senior personnel throthroughout the state. >> she is the first female lgbtq+ fire chief. she's been putting her firefighters through dei training. >> focusing on dei. >> this state has been hijacked by the extreme left. remember, karen bass is the socialist mayor who said castro is a great guy. it's dei. that dei, which is so sickening. what does dei have to do with putting out fires? but you got a city fire chief who thinks dei is the number one issue. consulting! >> desi: okay, leo, you are at a 2.0 right now. i'm going to need you to bring it down to 1.0, okay? this whole argument is so annoying. women can't be firefighters? they let dogs be firefighters.

society is so hypocritical. although to be fair, there are some signs that dei and firefighting is a little over-the-top. >> remember, only gay muslims can prevent forest fires. [laughter and applause] >> desi: smokey bear? more like "wokey bear," am i right? [applause] thank you! thank you! honestly, these people really seem to think that if anyone in the l.a. fire department isn't a straight white man, it must mean that the mayor used lower standards one hiring them. they are so obsessed with this it's getting a little creepy. >> 70% of our hires have been based on dei, not muscularity, not experience, not size, not competence. >> desi: this guy is talking about firefighters like the only thing they do is pose for sexy

calendars. "not muscularity, not size, not girth, not cut or uncut -- sorry, where was i?" for more on the los angeles fire, we go live to michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, what's going on? why are you at the airport? >> obviously i'm flying to l.a. to help out there gay fire department. you heard those fox news pundits, there's too much dei. so they need a straight, white man with big chest muscles and that v-thing going down. my doctor said not to mix steroids and i was ozone pick, but the results speak for themselves, all right? >> desi: do you even know how to fight fires? >> of course i do, desi. i've blown out birthday candles, how much different can it be? and i'm not one of those pussies that needs two tries put their mom to come over and help. i make my wish, usually to get that v-thing going down and then

i [bleep] own those birthday candles. >> desi: that's not going to help you with this fire, michael. >> do you know what will help, desi? one of these floppy tubes that i see firemen always pointing out fires. it's called a hose, but beware, desi, as a straight white male, i'm obliged to put rose before hose. you get it. >> desi: how exactly does you having a white male identity help you fight fires? >> well, i'm white, so the fire will respect me. i'm straight, which means i won't leave the fire halfway through to go see "wicked," and i'm male, which means i can always bust out firehose 2.0. talking about my peen, desi. >> desi: yeah, i got that. go ahead, fight the fire in l.a., just get on your flight. >> oh, i missed my flight.

but i told united to let me pilot my own plane out there so that's what i will be doing. >> desi: do you know how to fly a plane? >> it can't be that hard. it's just a matter of defying gravity. >> desi: you did see "wicked!" >> desi, grow up, sexuality is a spectrum. >> desi: michael kosta, everyone! when we come back, we find out who's right about sports, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show"! it's a new year and if one of your resolutions was to spend less time with the people you love and more time with those who will never love you back, you are in luck, because there's so much going on in the world of sports. so let's get into it in a new edition of "sportswear!" >> get ready for battle, it's time for sports war, brought to you by gambling! gambling, the sport michael jordan was best at! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> desi: i'm desi lydic! >> i'm jordan klepper. this is sports war, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> desi: if i say baseball should get rid of the designated hitter... >> then i say everyone should have to hit. the umps, the hotdog vendors come at the-year-old organist.

choke up, seymour! >> desi: i wish i was designated to hit you with a sock full of quarters. >> i would like to see you try that again when i'm sober. >> desi: seeing -- it was the last week the nfl regular-season and that means it's time for some players to cash in. >> with the final game of the season you get those players going all out turn big-time box earning incentives, escalator clauses in their contracts. von miller needed just one sack to stack $1.5 million in bonus. he barely gets a couple of fingers on the quarterback, but it counts. miller only played three snaps in this game, but that's all he needed. the tampa bay box could have just taken him he would seconds to go but their future hall of famer needed just five more yards to earn 3 million bucks in a bonus, and he got it. >> $3 million bonus! these players are putting the "damn" in "irreversible brain damage." [applause]

and i got to tell you, desi, i love it. you can't put a price on $3 million. i mean, if you did, it would probably be $3 million. >> desi: bad take, discount joel mchale. why do professional athletes need more money just for doing their jobs? isn't the pussy enough? sorry, jordan, i should explain. "pussy" is slang for "vagina," which is a woman's genitals and what your face looks like without a beard. >> wrong again, it's what my face looks like with a beard in the 1970s. my point is, desi, how could you not like this? even we get performance bonuses. every time i interrupt you i make an extra 50 bucks. a-determiner. >> desi: what are you even -- >> interrupting! interrupting! easy 50 bucks, the system works. >> desi: maybe you could use that 50 bucks to get a haircut that doesn't make you look like the stunt double for tilda swinson. boom! i just hit my $20,000 tilda

reference bonus! >> you keep her name out of your filthy mouth! god, i wish you were adopted but didn't know it. that way i could break it to you when you are at your lowest and most vulnerable. which brings me to my can't lose bet of the week. which notorious serial killer is probably desi's real father? brought to you by gambling. gambling, it's barely addictive when you compare it to smoking crack. >> desi: moving on, if you missed the big nba game last night between okc and the cavs, don't worry. you are not alone. >> the nba is in trouble. tv ratings for pro basketball games have flopped this season. viewership is down nearly 20%. what's to blame? according to many, the three-point shot. critics accused teams of becoming excessively reliant on the deep ball in recent years buried. >> the ratings are down because of three pointers? hard disagree. in fact, i got three pointers for you right here. yeah, and you want to guess where the third one is? >> desi: for giant boil on your back that's growing eyes?

>> [laughs] correct! what is happening to my body! but but they are so fun! i love these three-pointers. so why would fans stop watching because of three-pointers? >> desi: jordan, just because you only date 3s, doesn't mean they are fun. but that's not the real reason the nba is bleeding viewers. >> woke destroyed the nba. ratings have collapsed. >> some say it's that, some say it's dei kind of stuff. what the heck is going on? >> desi: bingo! it's dei! i'll say it! there's too many eastern europeans in the nba! pack your bags, luka doncic, and take your little c symbols back to transylvania! >> i'm surprised you don't like diversity given you were a diversity hire for this job. >> desi: why? because i'm a woman? >> no, because you're a, desi. which brings me to my jordans juiced and jacked that of the

night. could desi correctly spell dei if given both the d and the letter i? brought to you by gambling. gambling: did you know if you rent a storage unit, they don't check if you are sleeping in it? >> desi: finally, college bowl week is over, but no matter who won matt, there's a clear, undisputed national champion: giant novelty vats of food. >> this season a lot of attention is on the mascots of the balls. drenching minnesota's head coach p.j. fleck with a 5-gallon tub of mayonnaise. >> the trophy is a functioning toaster and there goes the pop-tart mascot. denim and roll going down, and look how he comes out. yep, ready to be served and enjoyed by everyone as they break off a piece of cinnamon roll mascot. >> wow! wow! i love this. we should be able to eat more mascots. it's funny how everyone's happy about the pop-tart, but when i put the filling fanatic in my

mouth, it's actual assault. how was i supposed to know that was his penis? >> desi: if you know, you know... and you are absolutely wrong, jordan. college sports should not be humanizing breakfast pastries. because then when i.e. from, i imagine how they were burned to death in a toaster screaming "why, god, why?" and as those hot coils roast it pastry flesh, i wonder if the pain makes them taste even better and ask myself what that says about me. but then i take another bite of their delicious gme pop-tart blood and smile. [laughter and applause] which brings me to desi's bankruptcy buster bet of the week. will jordan klepper face justice for what he did to the phillie phanatic? brought to you by gambling. gambling: 20 million homeless people can't be wrong! >> well, that's all the time we

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teeth like that? cheerful, grinning people. can't stand them. loitering out there, demanding your hard-earned cash. it's a scam. they're scamming people! >> desi: please welcome marianne jean-baptiste! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> desi: what a delight it is to have you on! your performance in this movie is remarkable. remarkable. >> thank you. >> desi: and congratulations, you are getting all kinds of accolades for your performance, and the movie as a whole. you play the character of pansy. >> i do. >> desi: who might be

described as, as we saw in the clip, a bit of a difficult woman. >> just a bit! >> desi: just a bit. she lashes out at pretty much everyone around her, including perfect strangers. i found her quite relatable, honestly. [laughter] >> the thing is, a lot of people do. i think getting a lot of people saying that's my mother in -- lots of mother-in-law's, by the way. that's my mother-in-law, that's my auntie, that's my friend. a few people have professed to be in her. >> desi: really? because yeah, and i'm like you are too self-aware, she's not self-aware. she thinks she's nice. >> desi: of course she does, but that's a real testament to your performance in this is a character like that would possibly be hard to want to follow along and relate to and watch but you make her so vulnerable and raw and captivating. >> right, thank you. >> desi: yeah, well, it's tr true. this has continued eight -- you know, a decade-long relationship with mike leigh, who is an

incredible filmmaker. you are nominated for an oscar for your performance in his other movie "secrets and lies." [cheers and applause] and you got a little bit of buzz going on right now for this movie too, i might say. he has a really interesting creative process. you are not handed a script and asked if you want to be part of it. you are part of the collaboration process from the very beginning. >> yeah, totally. you will call you or email you and say i'm doing a film, i don't know what it's about, i don't know what you will be playing in it, but we are going to have fun. and you go yes, of course. i love that. i love being terrified. [laughter] >> desi: just trying to trick you into writing it for him? [laughter] >> it's a really sort of creative, collaborative, rewarding experience because, you know, he respects you as a

creative artist and not just an interpreter of his vision, so you really do work on it with him. >> desi: because you did so much improv for this character and you are part of the collaboration process, was someone like pansy hard to shake? when you went home would you bring a little pansy home with you? >> you know what, we've got a really disciplined process. we never refer to ourselves as the character, it's always in the third person. you never say "i," otherwise he will kill you. so you are used to getting out of character but i would have her thoughts in my head. so i started to sort of hear her voice with me saying look at him, what's he got that shirt on for, it looks awful. you know, and i would be like "shut up, pansy." but when i got home i'd cook, i'd play music, drink wine. all the things she doesn't like doing, so i was like him quote yes, i own me.

it's me." >> desi: i imagine she comes in handy every now and again. i was thinking after i watched the movie, i kept thinking about that character, what would pansy think about this, so i would know mike was wondering if you would play a little game with us and i'm curious how pansy would react to some of these news stories and things in the world. >> well, we will see if we can conjure her. >> desi: first question: how does pansy feel about ai? >> "what's that?" [laughter and applause] >> desi: what does pansy think about congestion pricing? >> "it's disgusting! it's another way to get money out of people. if people stayed inside, we wouldn't have the problem in the first place. maybe there should be more curfews." >> desi: and should marianne jean-baptiste get another oscar nomination? >> "who on earth is that?"

>> desi: [laughs] [cheers and applause] i think this world needs a little more pansy in it. i really do. congratulations on everything, thank you so much for being h here! >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> desi: "hard truths" will be in theaters nationwide jan january 10th. marianne jean-baptiste! we are going to take a quick break, we will be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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the bold louisiana flavor and crispy crunch of popeyes signature chicken is the meal your craving deserves. and now you can get 3 pieces for just 5 bucks, and make it a meal for only 3 bucks more. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: fats are show for tonight, but before we go, please consider supporting the california fire foundation, they are on the ground working with local fire agencies and community organizations to survive, provide support to impacted residents, if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> the bond of our common humanity stronger than the than the divisiveness of our fears and prejudices. god gives us a capacity for choice. we can choose to alleviate suffering. we can choose to work together

for peace. we can make these changes. and we must. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... family... guy! ♪ [♪ jazz music playing] good evening, i'm tom tucker. the guy who dyes my hair is on vacation and i can't get ahold of him. our top story tonight, excitement in the music world

as former jolly farm star mary elizabeth becca ryan is releasing her debut single, the surprisingly filthy "face chair." oh, my god! i can't believe mebr is finally releasing her first song. -"mebr"? -yes. mary elizabeth becca ryan. her real fans call her mebr. i've literally never heard you talk about her. talk about mebr? i'm always talking about mebr. i love mebr. if i weren't such a big fan, would i have mebr tattooed right above my root? that is very low. yeah. it's a root tattoo. they're low. brian, i have followed her whole career ever since she was the little pig who went "oink, oink" on jolly farm. i can't believe it's the same girl. you know, all the jolly farm kids grew up to be stars. except for the ones who went broke, od'd, or are now just clickbait mug shots on the cnn web page. but i'm all in on mebr. she is a superstar. i told you she'd grow up to be hot. you couldn't say that then and you can't say it now. did and did. [clicks tongue]