yes that's it. push yourselves, boys. it's not a party if you don't do something that scares you. i need a breather. oh. oh. you two keep going. hey, he's asleep. we can just leave. so leave. trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> jon: oh! [cheers and applause] hello! welcome to "the daily show!" [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. we've got a great show for you tonight. i didn't even want to tell you this before. economist mark carney is here. [cheers and applause] yeah, that mark carney! you ask for it, we listened! we will be discussing whether or not he is going to run to be the liberal party of canada's new leader, or if he will be the governor of our 51st state. we are not sure yet! but of course, all news pales in comparison to what is occurring right now in the state of

california. a horrifying inferno, whose danger even now has not passed. but even amongst the tragedy and sadness, there have been incredible moments of human compassion and kindness. neighbors looking after neighbors. charitable contributions pouring into gofundme from all areas of the world. mainly, the tireless and heroic actions of firefighters in the california region, some of them prisoners fighting with incredible bravery and tenacity. [applause] rescue workers from all over the country, rescue workers from outside the country! rescue workers from mexico! [cheers and applause] mexico! damn your open borders, biden! i guess they are sending us their best!

you want to know how bad it is in california? here's how bad it is. >> president volodymyr zelenskyy has offered to send 150 ukrainian first responders to help battle the massive wildfires. >> jon: we're so [bleep] that a country that has been relentlessly bombed for almost three years was like, "you poor bastards." but it is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, of man's ability, across cultural and political and religious lines, in times of crisis, to appeal to our better angels. as archbishop desmond tutu said, "we are made for goodness and love and compassion." or as our own president-elect put it... >> trump shared a meme on truth social of fires raging behind the hollywood sign, which was photoshopped to read

"trump was right." [boos] >> jon: appropriate. thank you, mr. president, i had almost forgotten about your penchant for casual cruelty and dick-foolery. flames, nice touch. on the graphics. surely, you won't be content with trolling those in dire need. surely you see this as a merch-ortunity. >> "the new york post" posted these images of president-elect donald trump driving a golf cart wearing a "trump was right about everything" hat. >> jon: trump was right about almost everything. i wouldn't say he was right about the outfit choice. rule of thumb: never dress in the same color scheme as the upholstery on your vehicle. unless, wait, perhaps trump has reached his highest form:

part-man, part-golf-cart. and apparently all cholesterol. i guess rfk jr., stat. but trump is going to troll. the problem now is republicans appear to want to attach their "i told you so"s as a condition of funding california's disaster relief. >> i expect that there will be strings attached to money that is ultimately approved. >> i think there should probably be conditions on that aid. that's my personal view. >> before we put funds -- funds into place, we've got to find out exactly how we're going to hold these leaders accountable and what sort of policy changes are required. >> there can't be a blank check on this. >> they don't deserve anything, to be honest. unless they show us they are going to make some changes. >> jon: what the [bleep] is wrong with you?

really, senator, from alabama? those states near the bottom in reading, math, test scores. the next time you get hit by a [bleep] hurricane, why don't we have a little parent-teacher conference to see if you got your scores up, he would get the money. actually, let's not do it because he will get the money anyway because we are not [bleep] psychos! that is psychotic! there is something wrong with you! [applause] and you know what, here's the thing. i can do the "the daily show" thing, i can run on all the congress people and senators on the right calling for conditions on disaster aid that absolutely had the opposite view when it was their state on the line. >> we need to do everything we can. we have citizens that are literally going to get worse by the day. >> jon: shut the [bleep] up! i can do it but it doesn't even matter. i'm not even going to do it. because red states are always the tragic victims of circumstance outside of their control, and democrats always vote for their aid. whereas blue state disasters are a function of their flawed morality and policy, and if we

help blue states survivors, well, what message will that send? what lesson will they learn? but fine, if strings must be attached, what be the strings? >> the problem with california is forestry management. >> jon: oh, yeah, sure, the management of the forests. you have to rake the leaves and shut down the illegal elf-tree-cookie factories. i understand. and what a great, utterly anodyne suggestion! i mean, what forest couldn't be managed better? have you been to a forest lately? chaos! it's chaos! there's dirt and leaves all over the place! and what is that, bear shit? i want to see the manager! okay, so we get the money if we have better forest management. everybody then gets food and clothes. what else? >> they've not done the necessary work to make sure there's fresh water flowing into

key areas. >> jon: oh, water. yeah, no question. water for the fire! i am going to get that message to the firefighters tout suite. water is so important. water is a terrific fire r -- i don't even want to say the r-word. but i always say, "what ya got, mister, a fire? nothing like water!" water works on all kinds of fire, except for one kind of fire. but i don't know which one that is. but odds are with you. but point taken! forest management, and get some water up here, and your children may have blankets! these are all great pointers on how to mitigate fires that i'm sure california has absolutely been trying. water and forest management. maybe not good enough but they have it. there's one thing you might not be considering, as you criticize them, and that's this.

i don't know what kind of system you could develop that completely mitigates the risk of fire, plus drought conditions, plus 60-80 mile-per-hour winds, plus delicious wood. look at this! look what is happening right there! do you see this? fire [bleep] a tornado! rake your way out of that! do you understand? [applause] i love the blame game. i love the blame game. i played all all the time. but the fire [bleep] a tornado! the only thing that would stop it is the absence of oxygen. which, if i'm being honest, we could do -- hear me out. there is something called a cloche. a cloche is a covering, you've probably seen it in pie-shops.

you can put a cloche -- very quickly. guys, that is a continental sized cloche that we had a previous program suggested for immigration reform. we need a little more casual. can you check on the sideboard behind the gravy frigates. it is under the sink. there it is, the cloche. air-tight. it's the best way to smother a los angeles-sized fire, and if you live in new jersey, keep a pie fresh in a diner for eight to nine years. the cloche. i am going to make cloche happen. years from now. then i'm going to get a hat that said "jon stewart was right about everything." [applause]

"hey, all you idiots are dead! told you so!" but these people don't actually care. they're not trying to find a solution. they're just trying to work their pet issues into this tragic situation. it's confusing, but thankfully, some people are being more explicit in their conspiracy theories. >> on x, representative marjorie taylor greene asked, "why don't they use geoengineering like cloud seeding to bring rain down on the wildfires in california? they know how to do it." >> jon: who is "they," margaret? are you perhaps referring to the "they-ish" people? is that what it is, margaret? the very same people that control the area on fire? why would we -- they -- destroy the very industry we -- they --

control, when we have the means to bring the rains? we have space lasers and we can bring rain! the clues are there, margaret! alex knows. >> alex jones wrote that "los angeles fires are part of a larger globalist plot to wage economic warfare and deindustrialize the united states before triggering total collapse." >> jon: oh. all right, well, it is alex jones. he's certainly known for this type of thinking. i don't believe anyone's being taken in by this kind of thinking. >> elon musk responded by to that post by writing, "true." >> jon: now i feel sad. but unfortunately, a lot of the

information that is out there is not correct. and because of poor forest management, that information just jumps, igniting into larger and larger nonsense infernos that coincidentally seem to reinforce whatever grudge any of these folks have against california, especially their ideology. >> when you hear stories about state of oregon sending 60 fire trucks -- i haven't confirmed that myself yet -- but they had to go to sacramento to get emissions testing, get them to l.a. where they're needed. i mean, this is woke gone -- this is woke gone wild kind of stuff. >> jon: oh, "woke gone wild," i remember those vhs tapes! spring breakers reading "the autobiography of malcolm x" and putting on more clothes. getting cat called. "show us your privilege!" by the way, as far as what he was saying, the whole thing is bullshit! those fire trucks were not sent

to sacramento to get emissions testing. they were sent to be transitioned into minivans, without their parents' consent. that's what happened. [laughter and applause] but man, if there's one thing harder to extinguish than the fires, it's the most resilient of the right's talking points. >> the whole thing is a complete disaster. a lot of it comes back to dei. >> kristin crowley, the fire chief in los angeles, she is a very silly woman, the first gay female fire chief ever. wow. >> under her is christina kepner, first -- first lesbian assistant chief. then, under her is christine larson. they're all christine or christina. she's also a lesbian. christina, christina, christina, lesbian, lesbian, lesbian. >> jon: what! what are you doing? you just [bleep] summoned them!

do you understand? you can't just say the name three times! do you know what you just unleashed onto this earth? from now on, it's just infernos and lesbian firefighters. by the way, i'm not sure megyn with a "y" should be criticizing people named christina. but apparently, to the right, drought conditions, high winds, and densely stacked flammable structures were all fine until they added the lesbians. and then, something peculiar happened. >> what is your message to city administrators starting with mayor bass? >> my message is the fire department needs to be properly funded. >> and it's not? >> it's not at this point. >> did the city of los angeles fail you? >> yes. >> we need to be fully, fully funded and supported so that our firefighters can do their jobs.

>> jon: lesbian firefighter has attacked black lady mayor! who will the right support in this opposite of a sophie's choice? really, i mean, in the hierarchy of dei crimes, black lady mayer, lesbian firefighter, who is their -- i don't want to say white whale -- i'm not suggesting that dei is not responsible for 99% of this tragedy, but -- devil's advocate -- this is the palisades in 1923, and that's not after a fire. it was just [bleep] dead. it's, like, a desert! and someone decided to build a city there, a densely populated -- albeit beautiful -- city, in the middle of it!

that's what they did! and i'm going to guess that the person whose idea it was wasn't a lesbian firefighter or a black lady mayor. we didn't even have lesbians back then until one snuck here from france in 1934! so stop with the dei. "oh, that was the straw that broke the camel's back." the meritocracy built that [bleep] city. the meritocracy created the dangerous conditions that made a tragedy like this almost inevitable. don't take my word for it. i know the liberal argument sounds like charlie brown's teacher to your ear. let me get someone who speaks to your frequency. >> so i was talking to this guy and he was telling me, he goes, dude, one day, he goes, it's just going to be the right wind, and fire's going to start in the right place, and it's going to burn through l.a. all the way to the ocean, and there's not a [bleep] thing we can do about it.

>> jon: now of course, he goes on to say, "lesbians will make it worse." but the point is, man, we're humans. we build shit in difficult areas on the belief that we will figure out how to subdue god and nature. for god's sake, 50 years ago, they made a movie about what a dumb [bleep] idea it would be to develop this city into the country's second largest metro area. even then they knew l.a. wasn't a good place to raise your daughter. or your sister. >> or your daughter. >> my sister, my daughter. >> jon: movies were [bleep] wild in the '70s. like, you could do anything! there was no slop cord,

literally, they were like, "jack, do it again. this time with your fist! they didn't give a [bleep]. sometimes things happen that are beyond the bounds of human infrastructure. although, admittedly, the l.a. powers that be have not covered themselves in glory at this time. >> right now, if you need help, emergency information, resources, and shelter is available. all of this can be found at url. [audience reacts] >> jon: look, i'm not saying she's churchill, ladies and gentlemen. "when the bombs start falling, don't worry. just insert useful information here." so yeah, improvements can be made in leadership, in management, in design, in materials, in myriad ways! but sometimes, fire [bleep] a

tornado and makes a mockery of human infrastructure and our ability to dictate the terms of our existence on this planet. but the one thing it shouldn't dictate is the cruelty that we would show to those in pain because we don't think they consistently vote for us. please. [applause] but if you are going to attach strings, i still think this announcement was too far. >> lost everything in a natural disaster? introducing a new crowdfunding site from congressional republicans. go [bleep] you. go [bleep] you is the number one source for politicians to dangle my money over your head while delivering a monologue about why they hate your politics. no matter how hard life gets, there are people who care about your mayor's dei policy. so start a go [bleep] you today and sit back and wait for the helpful input about transgender

athletes to roll in. go [bleep] you. available in all blue states and any cities where the mayor is black or gay. [applause] >> jon: when we come back, we'll be talking to mark carney. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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ever. no!!! no! at chipotle. no freezers. and it's really fresh! [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight -- i'm excited about this. oh, you will want to hear this. he is a canadian economist and former governor of the bank of canada and bank of england. please welcome mark carney! sir! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] welcome, sir. i welcome you to our land,

america. we are soon to be -- >> well, there was a border when i came, jon. >> jon: when was the last time you checked twitter? >> [laughs] >> jon: so you -- you have really involve yourself in -- i remember you from 2008 and i truly -- i mean this. your work and helping can i get through the economic crisis of 2008, the financial crisis that hit this country terribly, and i thought made a lot of really painful decisions for the people of this country, i thought canada avoided the worst of that. and i believe you played a very strong role in that. >> i mean, thank you. we did. [applause] you know, we did because we didn't do things that we didn't understand. so we didn't let our banks to think that they didn't understand just because all the other banks were doing them.

so subprime, cdo squared, really fancy derivatives -- >> jon: you are saying, you thought, let's not let the banks dissolve mortgages into particulate matter? makes it into cups -- >> throw it off. >> jon: throw it in the air and then sell that? >> threw it in the air, take a big profit, pay themselves a lot of money, and then it hits the ground. >> jon: how did you not have to do that? >> we didn't understand it, jon. >> jon: [laughs] son of a bitch! [applause] that is all it took. >> that's all it took. >> jon: so you've gone off now and you have worked with brexit and the bank of england, trying to ease that. >> not my idea. >> jon: brexit wasn't. you are canadian. you are very polite from a very nice. you are never one of those "i want to leave a union." you stay in it until it dies. >> [laughs] >> jon: what are they making up their of the overtures and sort of trolling to canada about being a part of the

united states? >> well, the bottom line, it's not going to happen. [cheers and applause] the overture, i mean -- >> jon: you don't want it? >> [laughs] we are proud -- we find you very attractive. but we are not moving in with you. it is not you, it's us. [cheers and applause] we do things a little differently in canada. >> jon: sure. >> we believe in -- >> jon: before you go any further, i am up for it, we are up for it, whether ever you do differently. we want to experiment. whatever you guys want. you want, like -- >> there could be a few benefits, jon. friends with benefits. but not all the way. benefits of trade, benefits of defense. >> jon: yeah, we'll be cool about it. we won't levy tariffs on all

your goods. as retribution for you not going out with us. we respect your boundaries. >> [laughs] >> jon: is there a fear now that there will be an economic trade war with canada? how much of this do you believe is bluster and how much preparation do you need to do for it? >> well, we have to prepare for it. and i think you look at what happened five, six years ago, would we did have a similar situation with a trade war -- >> jon: lumber, only a few things. >> lumber is very important to us, jon. it is fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on you, right? >> jon: i feel like you are breaking up with me the entire interview. this is -- >> we are resetting the relationship and we are going to be stronger. we are going to be stronger going forward because, as you say -- >> jon: you are getting a swipe left as hell.

do you think this time -- i don't know that americans know that 50% of our fuel comes from canada. >> yeah. the electricity for this show comes from canada. >> jon: not this show. >> [laughs] you've got some solar up on the -- >> jon: hours only comes from venezuela. we are that leftist. it is not bad. >> that brings the point, florida half million barrels, a little more than that, of oil, come to the united states. the other option is venezuela. >> jon: so okay, so that is -- funny you bring that up. we are taking them over as well. are you surprised -- is america generally -- i think we have always been known as, we like to live our values and speak them. it feels like this administration is going to be more explicit about what is really happening.

"hey, what's up, greenland, i don't know if you know this but you have something under your soil that we want, so you are ours." i feel like past administrations would do the same thing, but they would be like, "and we are liberating you." they would make it a high-minded affair. is it easier to deal with someone that is transactional at his core in that way? >> i -- >> jon: take your time. >> i'm going to take my time. i think in the end, it is not. because in the end, and a relationship -- i will keep the relationship thing -- >> jon: oh, my god. did you just get out of therapy? what is happening? >> [laughs] >> jon: every time i say something, you are like, "i hear you." >> i made a few resolutions this year, jon, and we are still in january. >> jon: [laughs] >> you got to have some shared values. you have to be able to predict how the other is going to behave. so it's not just a series of transactions.

look, we can do a series of transactions, we are fine. we are in a strong position. you want to do a series of deals, we can do that. what is much better is to look at our -- [laughter] look at everything we have had, jon, together. >> jon: you are just about to lean in, like, "look, man, it's late, you are drunk, you can call us, it's cool. but i would rather we mean something to each other." so that we get some thing out of this together." >> like sunday afternoon in the park. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. so right now, it is turmoil. trudeau has resigned. there will be new elections. you know when their new elections are? >> they have to be by october. they could come sooner. >> jon: sooner than october? >> yes. >> jon: what will be the trigger of the election sooner? >> well, it would be likely that a choice of the current governing party, which is the

liberal party. >> jon: and you are of the liberal party. >> i am of the liberal party. >> jon: are they looking for a new leader? >> i think they might be, jon. >> jon: sir, may i recommend to you, with your charm and debonair wit, yet strong financial backbone, that you offer yourself -- have you offered yourself as a leader? >> i just started thinking about it. [cheers and applause] >> jon: just now. the concern of it is -- and this will blow your mind. so the conservatives are run by pierre poilievre. did i say that correctly? >> yes. >> jon: it's a fictional j.k. rowling name at best. pierre poilievre. this always fascinates me. i want to show this. this is -- so trudeau obviously. the other guy is pierre poilievre. it looks like -- and he is trudeau's arrival. yes? they look like two fictional boy

school rivals, or like, polievre seems like a villain in, like, "karate kid" movie. there is something very, very off-putting. what is he like in person? >> eh. >> jon: take your time. >> you are not far off. [cheers and applause] he is -- i will say this. there is a type of politician, you have a fear of them here in the united states. >> jon: stop it. >> i think they had a lot in and around brexit. >> jon: yes. >> and we have mr. polievre in canada. the type of politician who tends to be lifelong politician. >> jon: really? >> tend to worship the market. they never actually worked in the private sector. and they see opportunity in tragedy, like you just had with

the california fires, these horrible fires. they see opportunity in tragedy to push an agenda that, here is when they have spared earlier, and they fit it in. so whether it was brexit here, often, the star of the beast type of approach. so pierre poilievre, when covid started, his reaction was, hmm, this is a good time to cut spending and cut taxes. everybody has been pushed out of a job, no one has worked, so let's cut the taxes on the work they don't have and let's take away the social safety net when everybody is vulnerable. >> jon: wow. and how did that work out? were people happy? >> fortunately, he was in opposition. to be one that was his idea. and the people, see, the headwinds for this more right-wing populism, though, are all around the world and it feels like canada is no different. i mean, did trudeau bow out because he knew he wouldn't when rock is this an attempt to give

the liberal party a chance? >> i think it does give the liberal party a chance, yes. >> jon: and he did that purposefully? >> he came to that. he came to that conclusion. >> jon: he came to that conclusion or nancy pelosi called him and said? >> somewhere in the middle. >> jon: one of the secured all comedy shows up there did a bit that made fun of him for 5 minutes and he fell apart! who -- who are the top contenders right now that you believe give the liberal party the best chance? polievre is going to be their champion, yes? >> yes. >> jon: who would give the best opportunity? >> i think in a situation like this, you need change. you need to address the economy. we've got an economic crisis because of what mr. trump is about to do or saying he's about to do. but we also have challenges in housing, cost of living. >> jon: did you have the same inflationary pressures that we

faced here? >> i could debate the absolute level but we had the same inflationary pressures. >> jon: no, we will debate the absolute level. right now. >> [laughs] i think -- look, canadians have been very hard-pressed in the last few years. wages have not kept up with inflation. people are falling behind, not getting ahead. housing is very expensive. and there is this broader concern, again, exclamation point put on the trump harris, about what the future brings. the world is more divided, it is more dangerous, what are we going to do? truth be told, the government has been not as focused on those issues as it could be. we need to focus on them immediately. that can happen now and that is what this election is about. [applause] >> jon: can i tell you something? i feel like i am looking in a mirror. we just had that election. run. when i say run, i mean not for

office. i mean [bleep] run the other way. that is so hard. when the headwinds are like that, it is really difficult for a candidate to come and who is saddled with the policies -- >> but let's say -- >> jon: oh, boy. >> just throwing out -- >> jon: look at you trying to preserve the relationship. >> a wild hypothetical. let's say the candidate wasn't part of the government. let's say the candidate did have a lot of economic experience. let's say the candidate did deal with crisis. let's say the candidate had a plan to deal with the challenges in the here and now. >> jon: you sneaky -- you are running as an outsider! >> i am an outsider. >> jon: wow. so you are going to be coming in there to say, i have not been in the government. i have worked in the financial markets. i understand all the things that go around trade. i mean, you worked -- let's say the california fires. you have done an awful lot with the banks with insurance

industries. so you understand very particularly what is happening out there in california. >> very particularly. ten years ago, governor, governor bank of england, overseeing lloyd's of london, which does all the insurance for exactly this type of stuff. ten years ago, they were saying, there's going to be a lot more fires so we will have a lot less insurance. a lot less insurance as we have seen unfortunately in california, it is an absolute tragedy where people are going through, a lot less insurance in places like canada. last year, you may have noticed here in new york, we had a few fires in canada. >> jon: yes. i was going to talk to you about that later. >> the fires in canada, including where i was born, my hometown, fort smith, northwest territories around where i grew up in alberta, these fires -- >> jon: hold on one second. really? >> small town. >> jon: from alberta, and they've been sleeping the whole time. they heard the name. "woo"! is the bus going to alberta? where are we going here?

you have the fires. >> we got the fires, jon. if the fires alone would have made canada the fourth largest emitter in the world after the united states, china, and india. >> jon: just the fires. >> just the fires alone. and this, you could see this coming ten years ago, as the insurance companies. and now we are dealing with this, which is why we need to act more broadly on the issue. >> jon: let me ask you a question on this because this speaks to what these republican politicians are saying. they keep saying, oh, this dei. loads of lloyd's of london, insurance companies. ten years ago, they change risk assessments. do they change the policies because they assess the risk of lesbians being in the fire department or did they go, climate change is happening, and these fires are going to be more damaging and they are going to happen more frequently? so we are going to be changing our rates and we are going to be

dropping policies? which one did they go with? >> very decidedly the second. what they have seen is the number of these extreme events that they insure -- remember, they are pulling back insurance -- you can't get insurance in many coastal areas in florida. you can't get insurance obviously in los angeles. so they have been pulling back, and still, even with all of that sophistication, the number of these extreme weather events that the insurer have gone up three times and the cost of it has gone five times. so they are furiously backpedaling. >> jon: and this gets us to the rub which i think is why i feel like we're in such advice when it comes to climate change and political feasibility, and what can we reasonably expect people search you to accomplish. you know, you have always -- you have champion with the banking industry, esg projects, you have champion climate projects. as soon as these big banks got a

hold that donald trump was going to be back in office, they all bailed. they all failed on all these commitments that they made, and you are left in some ways holding the carbon tax bag. is not going to make your writing more difficult? >> well, you packed a lot into that. >> jon: i did. i read your wikipedia page. >> [laughs] >> jon: [laughs] >> remind me to edit it later on. two things. one, what the banks -- it's only the american banks but what they decided to do is to -- >> jon: i didn't know there were other banks. go ahead. >> focus on financing. but in terms of, canada, what we need to do is make sure that we are addressing these issues, doing our bit, making our companies more competitive. you know what is going to happen in united states, five years from now, you will care about it again. you will have an election, you will care about it again. we better be in our position

where we have done our bed at that point. we have done it in a way that canadians are not paying the price. >> jon: how do you do that? that is the rub. how do you make proactive measures on future disasters feasible in a political moment today? every time i have seen a gas tax or a carbon tax floated, it is not politically feasible. >> so the vast majority of our emissions in canada come from our industry. in fact, almost 30% of our emissions from canada come from the production and shipment of oil to the united states. >> jon: you are welcome. >> so part of that is cleaning that up, getting those omissions down, more than changing in a very short period of time the way canadians live. >> jon: you are not obviously going to take away our oil. >> [laughs] well, you don't apparently want the oil is much as you used to.

>> jon: we wanted very badly! have you decided to run yet? because a lot of people in the liberal party in canada have said specifically, they will not run. i think they fear the headwinds in this election. >> can i say one thing on that? i want to defend -- this is a very important point. if you look at our foreign minister, our finance minister, dominic leblanc, steve mckinnon who is our labor minister, they are not running, in part because there is a crisis right now because of the threat of the trump tariffs. >> jon: so they are saying, i will not run because i want to focus on -- >> yeah, country before party and personal ambition is absolutely. >> jon: right, right. [applause] but do you say -- you don't have a job presently. >> i do, but it isn't you -- just be when you are being so coy with me.

i love the chase. i love this cat and mouse! >> we had to shake things up. >> jon: we spiced up our relationship tremendously throughout this interview. so congratulations on announcing on this program that you are running. to be the leader. [cheers and applause] we sealed it with a handshake. mark carney. we are going to take a quick break. we will be right back after this. server. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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ooh! booking.com booking.yeah [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. jordan klepper! jordan! [applause] talk to me, man. what do you got on deck for the rest of the week? >> we'll be talking about the government banning tiktok next week, jon. and i know we've all had our fun, but now that it's over, might i suggest a little something called books? i think you might find them equally entertaining! >> jon: i don't think -- >> do you have a charger? maybe a charge or? >> jon: on books, you don't

swipe up. >> i have turned on a book before. [laughs] i've forgotten how to read. >> jon: all right. jordan klepper, everyone. [applause] before we go, i want to very quickly say, please, i know there are a lot of organizations vying for support. please consider supporting the california fire foundation. they are on the ground working with local fire agencies and community organizations to provide support to impacted residents. if you can, please donate at url. [applause] here it is, your "moment of zen." >> if i don't see you again, thank you -- you could have stopped taking the hard questions years ago and you didn't. so we appreciated. >> let's say one last dance. i don't know how i am going feel my dance card now, how will i fill that void without you? >> you tell me. [laughter] >> sorry. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ ugh, look at ms. tammy. what a skank. she's free-muffin it at a baby school. hi, stewie. mommy's here to pick you up. why do you feel the need to narrate every little thing you do? oh, hi, mrs. griffin. you know, i've actually been meaning to talk to you about stewie. i'm concerned that he might have an attention problem. attention problem? yes, he's been a little difficult to deal with, and on page two of three in the how to be a teacher manual, it says that any child who's being difficult should be medicated.

what? drugging a baby? are you sure? that sounds so serious. i'm afraid his behavior has been an issue for a while. he's even been bothering students during nap time. hey, you up? guess where i have a crayon. so, i spend, like, $75 on cat toys, and what does she play with? -a shoelace. -that's crazy. joe, that's been your answer every time i tell a story. it's like you're not even listening. well, that's 'cause you interrupted me when i was telling you about kevin trying to hang himself with an extension cord. i know, that's crazy. hey, y'all want to try some of our new food? i'm trying to turn this place into a gastropub. these are korean tacos, 'cause whatever the hell nowadays. [munching] ugh! these are terrible! [laughs] quagmire, when it comes to tacos, i'll trust the koreans, thank you. you're nuts. this tastes like ani difranco after a bike ride. geez, quagmire, since when are you such an expert on food?

for your information, i'm an excellent cook. [laughs] you? a cook? huh. what's your specialty? no-way souffle? [laughs] i'm sorry, that was out of line. i am a good cook, and i'll prove it to you! saturday night, you and all your wives are coming to my place for dinner. fine. we'll be there. ooh, can we make it sunday? saturday, i'm giving javier bardem a haircut. -so, what'll it be? -everything. -what do you mean? -long in the short places, short in the long places. it should be from both the future and the past. something a child would do to a doll. sorry, i just prefer to do number two at home. -where were we? -it's stewie, dr. hartman. he's having trouble focusing at school. ah, yes. so, you're telling me your baby won't sit still -in a way that's convenient for his teacher? -yes. i'd heard stories, but never thought i'd see it with my own eyes. mrs. griffin, i'm going to write stewie a prescription for adhd medication. really? well, i don't know. doesn't that stuff make you wired?

well, if you're low-energy and lethargic, yes. but if you're high energy, it actually calms you down and helps you focus. at least that's what i'm reading on webmd. wow, there are a lot of different kinds of medicines. there's a cat in here. okay, i guess we can give it a try. here you go. now, who's this little guy? wow, when did you learn to cook, glenn? well, as a young man, i found that a great meal was the quickest way to a woman's heart. how romantic. i mean, how do you think nba players get all those chicks? they're all great cooks. except kobe bryant. his, his... his secret is different. quagmire, you're really good. you could probably make money at this. yeah, maybe you could open a restaurant. or maybe get a cooking show. you know, the 11:30 cooking show on channel five needs a new host. the old one burned off his eyebrows, and was just too weird to look at. you should do it, quagmire! i'll even come along and cheer you on! -you'd do that for me? -course i would. i love cheering people on, like when i go to nascar.

-[crowd cheering] -[peter] go in a circle! go in a circle! go in a circle! advertise stuff! advertise stu...! go in a circle! hey, where's stewie? -oh, he's probably sleeping off his pills. -what? well, the school said he had an attention problem, so, dr. hartman gave him a prescription. you're giving a one-year-old drugs? you're doping up a baby! peter, are you okay with this? will you stop talking? i'm trying to think about a girl i saw at the gas station. stewie? [slowly] welcome to pillow-world, bri. let me get up and greet you. there we go. how you doing? -oh, my god! stewie, you're totally drugged out! -you know something? i have been thinking about how everyone in this family, brian, does their job. and they do a pretty good job of it.

god, i'm really freaking out over this audition. what if i blow it? quagmire, when i agreed to come to this, i didn't know it would require this level of emotional support. you glenn quagmire? i'm carson, the producer of the show. peter griffin. i should be at work. okay, let's see what you've got. i think you're gonna like this. cedar plank salmon with a maple glaze and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes on a bed of mesclun greens. hmm. not bad. also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair. look down. there's also a carrot. [laughs] this is great! terrific food and a hilarious sidekick? -this! this is the show! -what do you mean? i'm saying you're hired! just as long as your friend joins you. what do you say, peter? i say let's do it! -whoops. uh, uh. -oh, i'm... i'm sorry. what do i... what, what do i do?

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