[whistles] so long, peter. glad to have you back on the nice list. [ ♪ triumphant music plays] merry christmas! ho, ho, ho. [peter] and that was the christmas i would never forget. until i went home and had, like, 50 beers, and did forget. but only after i screamed myself into a blackout while my whole family held me down. merry christmas. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got so much to talk about tonight. joe biden gets a win, jack smith drops his receipts, and americans are on the brink of losing their favorite way to waste time on the toilet. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with the big news of the day. >> at long last, i can announce a ceasefire on a hostage deal has been reached between israel and hamas. >> jordan: huzzah! whoa! what a historic moment! joe biden articulately got through a sentence. and also, a ceasefire! and the timing couldn't be better for biden. there's still time for him to win michigan.

now we're in the early stages of figuring out what this means, and we'll be following it closely. but for now, let's talk about another crisis just as serious as what's happening in the middle east. i'm talking about tiktok: a.k.a. the reason your thumb is so frickin' jacked. i find that genuinely disturbing. tiktok is the hottest app in the u.s., and next week it is [bleep] gone. >> first, the story that is on a lot of people's minds this morning, the looming shutdown of tiktok here in the u.s. >> yeah, a federal ban of the chinese-owned app is set to take effect on sunday. >> the argument from the u.s. government is that tiktok presents a national security risk, and that the chinese-owned company is stealing user data. >> y'all, we are so indescribably cooked. >> i know the government's argument is, oh, we want to protect your data. [bleep] you and the data, bitch! >> the united states has done a lot of stupid things. this has to be number one. >> jordan: that's the number one worst thing?

i mean, we did slavery in america. let's at least call it a try, shall we? tiktok users are upset about this, but there's not much they can do. congress passed a bill, the president signed it, and the supreme court seems ready to rule that the ban is constitutional. which i don't think we can be surprised by, because this is not exactly tiktok's core demographic. they're more of a walgreens app type of crowd. they're old and sickly, is what i'm saying. i mean, the last time the supreme court heard the sound "tik-tok" was when death was following rbg around. although, there's still a chance that tiktok can be saved before the costco guys are euthanized on sunday. so tiktok would be allowed to keep operating if it's sold to an american owner. and there's no shortage of interest. >> new names are surfacing as potential buyers for the platform. including elon musk. >> mr. beast has joined the bid

to buy tiktok. >> former treasury secretary steve mnuchin previously launched an effort to buy it and "shark tank" star kevin o'leary says he and other investors are also making a play. >> jordan: yes! there is still a chance tiktok could be sold to one of america's many rich weirdos. apparently lex luthor wasn't available. so this is the best america has to offer? i actually heard myself say, "i hope that tiktok goes to someone sane, like mr. beast." can't there be one cool potential buyer? shaquille o'neal, i'm talking to you! stop buying so many papa john's franchises and get real about your investment future! the trad wives and the big headed bitches with their trench coats buttoned to the top need you! but if no american buyer

emerges, there's still one more wild card, the wild card: donald trump. he tried to ban tiktok during his first term, but he's now trying to save the app, and you'll never guess why he had a change of heart. >> i have a warm spot in my heart for tiktok because i won youth by 34 points, and there are those that say that tiktok had something to do with it. >> i was on tiktok for the election, and i won the young people by 36 points. i'm not opposed to tiktok. >> jordan: that's right, tiktok helped trump, so now, tiktok is good. and by the way, if you're wondering whether trump won the youth vote by 34 points or 36 points, the answer is, he lost the youth vote by 11 points. [applause] slight discrepancy right there. basically the same thing. so all this is up in the air, but tiktok users are not waiting around to find out how this is going to play out.

>> amid fear a tiktok ban could take effect later this week, some americans flocking to chinese apps like red note. >> i'm a tiktok refugee. >> and lemon8. both apps have similarities to tiktok, and lemon8 shares a parent company, byte dance. >> red note is owned and operated by the chinese communist party, and users must agree to adhere to the chinese constitution, practice socialist values, and promote the traditional culture of china. >> jordan: yeah! good job, u.s. government, you told americans they couldn't see china anymore and now they're running off to vegas with it! this has got to be so frustrating for kamala. she just spent a whole election fighting accusations that she's a socialist and now every american is like, "i would literally pledge to be a chinese socialist for a good tiktok replacement." the question is, why would americans be so cavalier about the threat of china spying? maybe it's because after years of receiving monthly emails about how every american company

has lost or stolen our data, we've become cynical about the concept of privacy. or maybe we actually get off on knowing china is spying on us the whole time? maybe it's gotten so bad, i can't even enjoy a cat video anymore unless i know xi jinping is watching me from some digital cuck chair in the corner. so it looks like this new app red note is exploding. the last time something from china went this viral was... it's not important. but wait 'til you see what people are discovering once they're on it. >> one thing that i've noticed since being on red note for, like, the last two days is how much more advanced the chinese culture is than what i had in my brain. >> most of these chinese people, they look so much less traumatized than most americans. i am no longer convinced that we're living in a first world

country. >> while lurking on red note, i found out about this car. we can't sell this car because it's chinese. look how cute it is. they sell it in pink. it's, like, $15,000, which is affordable. >> i made a new bestie. she ended up going to the market and sent me a picture of her local market. corn on the cob. 94 cents. what would it be here in america, you might ask. $7. is this what they don't want us to know? >> jordan: [laughs] that's not a good sign for america. "i was made to think a communist dictator was bad, but check out these corn prices. daddy likey!" come on, america! fight back! if chinese people show you their cheap corn, you show them our robust free press... okay, no. you show them our fair and impartial justice system... [bleep]. not that.

dave & busters! show them our dave & busters! hell yeah! in your commie faces! for more on all the tiktok alternatives, let's go live to beijing with michael kosta. [cheers and applause] michael, what do you think about apps like lemon8 and rednote? >> jordan, those apps are as useless as grindr. none of the dudes i met on grindr even knew how to grind pesto at all. great sex, though. luckily, i found a new tiktok alternative. it's called psy-op, and it's the best app yet. >> jordan: the app is called psy-op? as in psychological operation? >> what? no, why do people keep asking that? it's just a great app that my camp counselors here have assured me is all for fun. >> jordan: sorry, what's that about a camp? >> well, the app is a bit complicated and there is a learning curve, of course. so i had to educate myself, which is why i'm here at the "psy-op re-education camp" for a

few weeks to learn the user interface and the brilliant philosophies of chairman mao. >> jordan: kosta, kosta, you're clearly being groomed into a spy. >> they told me the haters would say that. but jordan, don't be such a "wang ba dan!" they're just showing me how to use the app. and they're teaching me english! >> jordan: you already speak english! >> no, it turns out there's tons of words i didn't know. strychnine. ricin. hydrogen cyanide. and this is all helping me to become a better influencer so i can make funny dances and take down the electrical grid. >> jordan: take down the electrical grid? >> i didn't say take down the electrical grid. the point is, forget tiktok, everybody needs to get on psy-op now. it has the best features. it's easy to upload, and you can record anytime, because the mic never shuts off! it keeps track of your location data, and all your conversations with elected officials! it's very convenient if you're a

busy dad like me, who's swamped with soccer practice and taking down the electrical grid. >> jordan: kosta, kosta, buddy, you've lost your mind. >> on the contrary, corrupt capitalist swine, i haven't lost my mind, i've gained tons of followers! commandant ping. first lieutenant yao. katy perry. hold on, i'm just going to block her. >> jordan: michael, don't you want a social media platform that isn't stripping you of all your personal information and influencing you into carrying out the agenda of authoritarian rulers? >> hmm. you're right. i guess i'll get back on x. and facebook. and instagram. >> jordan: you know what, never mind. tell me more about this app. >> oh, dude, you got to get on, jordan! we can be friends! ben-shiji jiang shi zhong guo shiji! >> jordan: was that mandarin? what did that mean? >> i don't know. the voice in my head just keeps yelling it! >> jordan: michael kosta, everybody. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we bring donald trump to justice, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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we've never spoken. but you've told us many things. that you love stargazing, hate parallel parking, and occasionally, your right foot gets a little heavy. the lexus es didn't begin in a studio — it began with you. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." donald trump becomes president on monday, but that hasn't stopped jack smith, the special prosecutor and son of kevin mcallister's scary neighbor. yesterday, he released this, his special report on trump trying to overturn the results

of the 2020 election, and it is very damning. >> special counsel jack smith in a new report is calling out president-elect trump and bluntly stating he brought the case because he believed he would have gotten a conviction. >> smith writes, quote, "when it became clear mr. trump had lost the election and that lawful means of challenging the election results had failed, he resorted to a series of criminal efforts to retain power." >> suggesting that trump's actions warranted prosecution, saying that no, quote, "man in this country is so high that he is above the law." >> jordan: that's right, you hear that, mr. trump? no man, and i mean no man, is above the law. >> jack smith resigned friday night and there will be no prosecution. >> jordan: all right, one man is above the law. but that doesn't mean this report is useless! we can... frame it, and put it on our wall, and pretend it had

meaningful results, like we do with our liberal arts degrees. is democracy wildly unstable? sure! but you know what isn't? a wobbly table, after i jam this report under one of the short legs! but it seems like trump's election has allowed him to avoid accountability for all of his crimes. it's a strategy that law firms might start picking up soon. >> are you in legal trouble? are you facing wife in the slammer? is your lawyer trying to end your case in court? then ditch that loser and called james and carino! we will keep you out of prison, a better way. by getting you elected president of the united states! here is how it works. step one, we gather evidence. step two, we tossed at shit in the trash and get you on a plane to michigan. we will get you lawn signs, campaign rallies, national tv ads of you hugging your family. don't have a family? we'll get you one! and while he run for president, we'll use your campaign to delay

your trial. your honor, my client is preparing for a national debate. he doesn't have time for this parking debate. >> this case is for murder. >> murder, ticket, whatever, he's busy. >> if somehow you aren't elected president, we will get you pardoned by the president. he's a former client. so stop trying to beat the law and start putting yourself above. >> counselor! your client is clearly guilty. >> well, well, well. looks like we just won pennsylvania. >> you are free to go. >> call 1-800-be-pres today. we get you out of the big house and into the white house. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: when we come back, alok will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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you'll love. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian, actor, and poet whose new comedy special is called "biology." >> they are so upset with us trans people. they say that we keep on making up new genders. making up new pronouns. making up new words. i don't know who else is going to tell you this, but all words are made up. [cheers and applause] in fact, every single word that i'm currently speaking to you in this moment in time was once, in fact, made up! >> jordan: please welcome alok! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ welcome!

first of all, congratulations on your first comedy special. how does it feel? >> you know, it feels quite funny. >> jordan: does it? >> i look at myself and i am like, bitch. >> jordan: yeah, you did it. >> it also feels kind of traumatizing. i have a yellow tongue in it from taking cough drops before. >> jordan: oh, i thought that was a creative choice. >> i am a person of color but i try not to go that far. >> jordan: it feels like a vulnerable choice to show that you carry sickness into performance, you let us see that part of you. >> actually, i was sick right before taping that so i texted all of my friends, what do you do when you are sick and you have to be on live television? maybe you will be one of those people i text in the future. and everybody said, go get an infusion. so i went to go get an infusion. what do you want to put in it? give me the ego of a white man who thinks ai can end climate change. put that in right there. give me the confidence to do this. >> jordan: and you perform with that kind of confidence and

privilege. it's very nice. >> okay, science matters. >> jordan: [laughs] >> jordan: you didn't necessarily come from a comedy background. is that fair to say? >> did you just ask me where i came from? >> jordan: oh, boy. >> in this political climate? >> jordan: i know, i'm sorry. >> are you going to ask me about my genitals next? >> jordan: i was going to warm up to the genitals. i like to end with a good, classic genitals question. everybody likes that. >> that was just me kidding with you. i know that your community is so worried about getting it wrong and potentially getting canceled. >> jordan: yes, we are just trying to be allies. >> i can't imagine how difficult that must feel for you. >> jordan: do you understand the difficulty i'm having right now. >> you are doing a very good job. >> jordan: thank you very much. >> your discomfort is valid. we are just afraid of being murdered. it's not the same. i don't want to say that. it's not the same. >> jordan: you don't think i'm afraid of being murdered? i go to trump rallies every other weekend. [cheers and applause] come on! [laughter] what i find really refreshing

and interesting about this special, you deal with big issues. but you also have a quote in here. you said, "transphobia is merely a distraction from our shared humanity. we should be talking about the fact that we are all going to [bleep] die." talk to me about that. death is real. >> i don't know how else to tell you this, i'm going to die, you are going to die. >> jordan: that is true. >> we've created an entire society that pretends that is not the case, which is just ridiculous. so people keep on thinking that if they imbibe the blood of their 18-year-old son, that will stave off death. or, like, find the next cryptocurrency, but you are going to die. actually, the real biological truth in our society is our mortality, so when people say we are erasing biology, i am like, okay, maybe, but just you're pointing to the wrong thing. from the perspective of death, i believe that all living is just stand-up comedy, because death is kind of looking at us being like, oh, my god, that is so

funny and so cute that you think that new shoe is going to prevent you from dying. silly little bitch. and so i kind of wanted to make a show that was basically about having to reckon with the fact that we waste so much of our time with absurd antics, like, hating other people, judging other people when at the end of the day, we are all human, which means we are going to die. and if we remember that, then we have the potential for profound empathy, because we are all in this together. >> jordan: yeah, i love that. i love that. [cheers and applause] there is something unifying about that absurdism. if i were to make a pretentious reference, albert camus would talk about imagining sisyphus happy. that is an absurd life that we lead. can you give me my space? >> sorry. >> jordan: camus would say imagine sisyphus happy as he pushes the rock up because all of existence is inherently meaningless, so reckon with that and connect with your neighbors. >> i identify as a pretentious

piece of shit. >> jordan: so do i. >> you are speaking my love language right now. i'm like, camus, the goat. [laughter] >> jordan: i want to quote you back to yourself. and i want you to talk about this too. you say, "humorlessness is what loses any campaign for social change." talk to me about that. what's really frustrating is most people think that trans people are just snowflakes, humorless, hypersensitive. but if you spend a couple of centuries surviving attempted eradication, you get kind of bored with being depressed. it is just a major buzz kill, you know? >> jordan: sure. >> so you have a lot of time on your hands to do something else so you start cracking jokes or whatever to survive and then you begin to realize actually, maybe part of the oppression is keeping you miserable, because whenever you are in a space that is comedic, that is a space of possibility and expansion. so what i started to realize in my own life was, there are powers that be that want me to hate myself and to be sad. what's profoundly rebellious when you are a marginalized person is recognizing that people might have the ability to take your rights, they might

have the ability to take away your safety, but it can't take away your joy. so what humor has become for me is a practice of resistance, of saying, oh, you are oppressing me? thank you so much for the comedic material. you are going to keep me gainfully employed! [cheers and applause] >> jordan: your special is executive produced by christopher guest. how did that come about? >> here's the thing. i asked him to direct. he said, alok, we both know you can do a better job directing than me. the first time in history that british man has ever said that to an indian person. >> jordan: sure. >> i was blown away. i felt like my ancestral healing. i was like, whoa! >> jordan: i will take it from you, chris. >> i want to learn from you. he was like, i have nothing to teach. so i said, tell me stories about what it was like to be on set. and then that is where the wisdom came, just from the storytelling. when he was speaking to me, he

really spoke to something i truly behich is the kind of sacredness of comedy. that comedy actually is a sacred ritual, where we can alchemize and detoxify things that are so profoundly painful and turn them into something beautiful and bountiful. and he said to me, there is going to be a knowing in you that a lot of people are going to doubt but only you can make that decision, which is how i justified spending hundreds of hours making every single editing decision in my own special. i was looking at every single camera angle and making every single choice and my manager was like, do other things! and i was like, this is antireligious because this is a sacred practice for me right now. so i have christopher guest to thank for that. >> jordan: well, it's a truly remarkable special. i hope people go out to see it. "biology" is available to stream now at alokvmenon.com. alok. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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—you make this stuff fresh every morning!? yes. every single day we prep everything in our store. onions, jalapenos, cilantro... —wow! [laughs] —looks pretty fresh to me. fresh ingredients every day. —delicious. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight, but before we go: please consider supporting the california fire foundation. they are on the ground working with local fire agencies and community organizations to provide support to impacted residents. if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen."

>> justice alito asking why users can't just take to a different app. >> i'm just wondering whether this is, like, somebody's attachment to an old article of clothing. i really love this old shirt because i've been wearing this old shirt. but i could go out and buy back something exactly like that. but i like the old shirt. but i like the old shirt. is that what we have here? ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's a fam ily guy! ♪

hey, guys, look what i got. it's a magic genie speaker that plays music, talks and knows stuff, all without wires. but there's a wire. no more from you, please. all right, let me squinch my face up and put on a pair of glasses i never wear to look at these directions. boy, if they were giving out medals for tiny writing [chuckles] huh? huh? okay. now, to activate the speaker, you say its name. brandee. [beeps] and now, you just talk at it. brandee, what's going on in the news? breaking news from the huffington post, "prince bred purple dolphins." -wasn't there a senator shot this morning? -you see? right there, this device is a perfect example of how we continue to become more inept due to our dependency upon machines. there was a time, not too long ago, when people would talk to each other. yeah, the bad times, the sucky ages. our society is doomed. people and technology are a bad match. just like moms and radiohead.

oh, no. no, no. this isn't music. no, i don't like this, david. no. that's enough. no, david, i don't like that. no. sharon. hey, it's brian griffin. wondering if you were free for dinner on saturday. you died? oh. so, you're dead right now? what's that like? [line clicks, dial tone] god, why am i such a loser? [brandee] possible reasons for being a loser, bad breath, arrogance, unemployment okay, okay. this is not helping my hangover. [brandee] the hangover part iii, available for instant download. i never saw it. is it good? [brandee] searching reviews. top critic on rotten tomatoes says, "i walked out of the theater, and i'm ed helms." okay, no download, but thanks. maybe you are useful. but i bet you can't answer this question, brandee, what is love? [brandee] john lennon said, "love is the answer." he also said, "no, thanks, every hot woman,